6th of Elul

 I thought I'd be posting here more often than I have. Kind of sad. I have been posting what's been happening medically on Facebook. People seem to like that. Maybe I'll get back to posting here on a regular basis soon. 

I can't believe it's almost Rosh Hashanah (lit. Head of the Year) or our New Year. It's also the start of the High Holy Days. That lasts for 10 days and ends with Yom Kippur (or Day of Atonement). Rosh Hashanah is at the beginning of the next Jewish month of Tishri. During Elul, it's a time of introspection and asking for forgiveness. There are some traditions people do during it. For instance, we blow the shofar each morning during the month. It's like waking our souls up to be prepared for the High Holy Days. I finally did that yesterday morning. I had been meaning to when the month started. I'm surprised I managed to get a sound out. I also get nervous doing it when someone else is home, and especially if they have work meetings on zoom like my parent did at the same time. Hopefully, I didn't disrupt it too much. Although, she didn't say anything. 

Had the radical hysterectomy on July 24th. I wasn't expecting it to be so soon after seeing the surgeon. They took out pretty much everything in there. It was done by a robot. Only did 4 small incisions. Biggest one was in my belly button. I actually can't see that one. It was for both the light and camera. If I look in the mirror, I can see 3 of them. I think they have dissolvable stitches. Parts of them are dropping off, so I'm assuming that's normal. No one's said anything about taking them out. 

I did stay the night at the hospital. It wasn't really connected to the hospital, but apart of the surgical building. The room looked like a cramped storage closet, and I wasn't too happy about it. As they wheeled me into it, I had horrible leg cramps. In order to keep those to a minimum, I tried to have the bed turn into a chair as much as possible. I think that helped. The nurse was nice, but a little too talkative. The food wasn't great. I know some people have told me that anesthesia can affect the taste of things, but I could tell and I don't think it was reacting in that way. The TV was on almost the entire time, and it seemed like an ambiance channel. At night, it was going through space, and during the day it showed things like waterfalls, horses, rocks, mountains, etc. Nice to look at occasionally. 

I also had issues with it being a Catholic hospital. Almost all the hospitals near me are Catholic, which scares me. I don't really have a choice in it. I'd prefer one not affiliated with any religion, but especially not with that one. They can turn away LGBTQ+ people, for one thing. Prayers over the intercom every so often is isolating (not sure if that's the right word...) and unwelcoming. There are a lot of other reasons why it's scary to me. Even with me just being Jewish. 

They kept me up most of the night. They wanted me up and walking almost immediately. I didn't know they'd put a catheter in. It was my first time having one. The nurse said it wouldn't hurt when she was about to take it out. It did hurt. It also hurt to go to the bathroom for a little while after that. I didn't like that none of the people that did the surgery told me anything afterwards. One of them was going to early the next morning, but I finally was asleep and he didn't want to wake me. I would have been more than fine to be woken up for that. More so than the blood draws they kept doing. They told my parent at least, but I like hearing it from the actual people, too. I was discharged from the hospital earlier than expected. The morning after. I don't think it was the best time. 

I had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon's nurse a couple of weeks later. She told me more in-depth stuff. They didn't see any lesions or signs of the cancer in what they took out. I still don't know if the cancer they found in the vulvar biopsy is related to the skin, vulva specifically, or reproductive tract. I might ask my gynecologist that soon. Good to know it hadn't affected further up my reproductive tract. They were worried they'd find lesions that would make it difficult to basically scoop that stuff out. That they'd be fused to certain parts. Since it wasn't, it made it more simple. Still, it was a 3-hour surgery. 

I had really horrible constipation and swelling in my feet and ankles after. I thought I'd never clear the constipation, and what finally did help was a suppository. I'm not used to them, and was reluctant to try it. Still have issues with it, but it's much better. I'm now taking 3 stool softener pills 3 times a day (up from 2 pills 3 times a day), which again has helped. 

The swelling seemed even scarier. My feet were huge. Couldn't even fit into my slippers. Socks wouldn't fit either. So, I ended up feeling really cold, and that made the pain worse. It was like a sunburn type of pain. They were so swollen, they changed shape. Looked like I bound my feet, huge arches, toes sticking straight out, almost transparent on top, birthmarks moved and stretched, etc. It was bad. Could barely walk or stand up. Eventually, I tried a diuretic. It worked well, but slowly. Now my feet look pretty much back to normal, but my left ankle is still pretty swollen. Right ankle isn't as bad, but still has some. I can fit into my socks and shoes now. Yay! So much better. The nurse I talked to said it's normal to have constipation and swelling after surgery like that. They pump you full of fluids during the procedure, and that can get stuck in your system. Also, they worked near the lymphatic system. They didn't touch it, but it still can get irritated and cause swelling. That kind of swelling has to convert itself from lymphatic fluid to water and blood, which takes a while. Thus, probably why my ankles are taking so long to get back to normal. This makes me nervous for future surgeries. We'll be more prepared, though. I might have top surgery next. I would have thought they'd want to do that first, because the cancer started there. Maybe this was easier to do. 

I decided to join 3 metastatic breast cancer Facebook groups. I was reluctant to for a while. I wanted ones that were specifically for mbc, not just the bc. There's kind of a rift and different attitudes between them. One of the groups is a 45 years old and under group. Only saw one that was like that. So many groups have people that are much older. It can be harder to relate. I already get the 'you're too young to have that' thing. I can't help it. Not that I wanted this. It's a different perspective with my age group. I was surprised by the responses from all 3 groups with my intro post. I'm still getting reactions and comments from the biggest one. That has over 100 reactions. First time I've had that many on a post. Also, made 3 fb friends through those groups. All of them live near me. Yay! Maybe I can meet them someday. 

I was a bit reluctant to join these groups mainly because I thought it'd be too depressing or something. I've liked seeing how some people have lived with it for many years, though. Some have had it for 20 years, and that gives a little hope that maybe I can live for a while with this. The statistics aren't great for how long people can live with it. 27% are likely to live 5 years after diagnosis. 11% after 10 years. With that, it's a bit disconcerting. I want to live for as long as I can. Certainly longer than 10 years from now. Again, that's why it's been nice to see so many people mention in these groups that they've lived much longer than 10 years with it. They also say those stats are old. Medicine has really advanced since then, so the stats might be better now. The other side is you have to be continuously going through some occasionally tough treatment in order to survive. It's difficult. Everyone's case is different, too. Not all of us have the same type of breast cancer, same areas where it's spread, if it's hormone based, etc. Lots of factors come into play. I like that it's being treated more like a chronic illness. It's a little easier to deal with that way. 

Tomorrow, I have my eye exam. Haven't had one in around 2 years. My current prescription for contacts certainly isn't the right one. Things don't show up totally clear. Lines blur into each other sometimes. This will be the first time I went to Costco for the exam itself. We normally would go to Sears Optical, but they're not there anymore. Hopefully, they're good there. I'm actually covered as a dependent for vision this time. Haven't been covered for that for over a decade. That should be good. I can order the new prescription while I'm there, too. I've read that cancer can affect the eyes, so hopefully mine hasn't been messed with too much. Hopefully, they'll have samples of the new prescription I can use while I wait for the ones I order. 

I might also have a blood draw after that. My oncology pharmacist wants to run some labs after every 2nd week of a cycle of Ibrance. They have to make sure things are ok before agreeing to the next cycle of it. I'm supposed to take it for 3 weeks, then go off of it for a week. Then, start it over. I have to have a phone appointment either with her or the specialty pharmacy before every cycle of it. It'll be interesting to see how things are. 

My oncologist is still reluctant to start me on zometa. Zometa is a bone-strengthening infusion. I've read that you go to an infusion clinic every couple of months, and sit there with it going through an IV for 15 minutes. Pretty quick. My oncologist is worried I'll catch covid while I'm there. So, I'm being denied it because of the virus. I really need something like that. 

He also wants me to get a full bone scan. That way we can compare it to the one back in April. I hope it's improved since then. Not sure what will happen if it's worse. 

He wants me to switch to arimidex instead of tamoxifen soon. I decided to switch when I run out of the tamoxifen. I have the arimidex already, but I think it can wait. Both are kind of like supplements to Ibrance. They work with hormones, so they're good for people who are hormone positive. I'm positive for all 3 hormones. Arimidex is usually suggested after people have had hysterectomies or are going through menopause. It's supposed to be stronger, too. I'm nervous about that. I've got maybe another week or 2 before I finish the tamoxifen. 

I decided to cancel the My Thrill Club monthly subscription box. It's the one where they give you 2 hard cover books that are in the horror, mystery, and/or thriller genres each month. I got the surprise me one. They give you a mix with that one. I love those genres. Anyways, the books are super thick. I thought I could challenge myself with reading both books within each month, and starting again with the next batch. Since my contacts aren't great right now, it's hard to read for a certain amount of time. I couldn't keep up. I already have 4 books from them, and only have read about 1/4 of one of them. They've already shipped another 2, so I'll have 6 soon. Too much. Fallen too far behind to start up my challenge again. Even if I get a much better prescription soon. At least, I'll be able to read more. I think with 6 of them, I could rotate them each day. I was going to slog through one book at a time, but it might be more interesting to switch it up like that. Each day would be a different book. I want to read all 4 so far, because they sound really interesting. The Gold Rush fantasy type one looks almost as thick as a dictionary, though...That'll probably take a while. I didn't particularly care for the sex scene in the one I've been reading, but the rest of it is interesting. I want to know what actually happened to that missing friend of the main character. There's also a Sherlock Holmes book by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. That should be fun. The last one seems like a horror one about a possessed typewriter, I think. Intriguing stuff. I don't know what the next 2 will be yet. I could start it up again after I read all 6 books. That'll take me a while, though. I want it to take me some time. Good way to preoccupy myself. 

I found another monthly subscription thing to replace it for now. It's called Arts in Letters. You get letters from famous artists, scientists, musicians, etc. in the past. They're real letters in their handwriting. They come with info on the person and what was going on at the time and around them. Very interesting and fun sounding. I can read letters and the info quickly, so I thought that would be best to replace it. You get a letter a week, which seems more fun than one thing once a month. There's another one that interested me that I could try in the future called Matter. With that one, it's an adult science-based thing. You get artifacts like animal bones and they go in depth with info on everything. I like that sort of thing. Maybe if I get tired of the letters or Try Treats. 

This month's Try Treats is on Ireland. I feel like they cheapened this one. I get the premium version, which is supposed to have 10 or more snacks. Ended up with around 7 of them. The standard is 5 or more. Plus, 2 of them are Japanese. They were actually stuffed on top of the tissue paper that held the Irish stuff inside. Weird. Maybe they don't think there are many good Irish snacks? Sad. The recipe this time was Irish coddle. Sounded good, and I can turn it 'kosher', so I can eat it if I wanted to. I can look for beef or turkey sausage, and same with the bacon. I tried the 2 potato chips. They were the same flavor (cheese and onion), just different brands. Tasted pretty much the same. I prefer kettle chips, but they were better than our regular chips. They seemed denser and slightly thicker. Mostly tasted the onion for both. There's a candy bar by Cadbury. I've had Cadbury chocolates before and liked them, so it's probably good, too. There's a huge thing of custard sandwich cookies. Those look interesting. There's a bag called twiglets. Don't know much about those. Both Japanese things are sweet and sour candies. One sounds like pop rocks, the other almost like long flat taffy. Both are cola flavored. I like sweet and sour things, so they might be really good. 

The downstairs' toilet is off limits again. After my parent did an enzyme thing with it, it was fine for a while. That toilet has always had issues. It overflows super easily. At some point, we really need to have a plumber look at it. In the meantime, I'm stuck with going up and down the stairs to use my bathroom toilet. That's a falling hazard. Not good when you feel like your bones are made of glass. I can easily break them. My toilet upstairs is great, and works well, but the stairs make it dangerous. I still do all my other bathroom stuff (brush my teeth, take out and put in contacts, etc.) downstairs. I almost feel like I'm camping down there. I still sleep on the hospital bed in the living room, instead of my room upstairs. I might not ever be able to sleep in my actual room again.  

3rd of Elul

This is my wallpaper for September. It's Tanjirou from Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba (Demon-Slaying Blade). I've been really amazed by this anime. Wasn't expecting much. The animation has been top-notch (just looking at the water scenes, it looks so real, which is difficult to pull off), music is haunting at times, the characters are well developed, epic fight scenes, and the plot is interesting. I wasn't expecting much because it's essentially a zombie anime. There's so much more to it, though. It takes place in the Taisho period, which is 1912-1926. So, more 'modern' than some of the other anime I've watched that are historically based. I like the idea that Tanjirou only joined the Demon Slayers to cure his sister, Nezuko, of being a demon. The demons in the story more closely resemble zombies in that they eat people and were once human themselves. They still have a sense of self, intelligence, and magical abilities. Scarier this way. Nezuko seems to be one of the first demons that hasn't eaten a single human. Instead, she gathers energy by sleeping. She was kind of tricked into thinking all humans are family and to protect them at all costs. She's incredibly strong, even for a demon. She's also cute. Tanjirou is kindhearted and a huge empath. He feels for most of the demons he defeats.  

The month-long holidays for September are: National Biscuit Month, National Breakfast Month, National Honey Month, National Potato Month, National Rice Month, National Cheese Month, National Piano Month, Pain Awareness Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. Quite a lot this month. 

The month of Elul ends with Rosh Hashanah or our New Year. It's also the start of the High Holy Days, which ends with Yom Kippur or the Day of Atonement. The HHDs last for 10 days. RH and YK are the most important holidays on the Jewish calendar. Many people 'prepare' the month before. One of the customs I follow (as did my mom) is blowing the shofar (ram's horn) every morning throughout most of the month. We refrain from it on Shabbos (which is every Friday night until Saturday night). I sometimes forget to do it until a few days into the month, like this year. Hopefully, I'll remember tomorrow and the rest of the month...It can be fun. It's supposed to wake us up spiritually. 

The elements calendar features arsenic this time. The main pic's of pure arsenic metal granules. The one next to it is of a type of arsenic treated wood. Another pic's of an old tin of arsenic. The last pic's of Paris Green, which is useful in pigments and rat poison. Scary one for this month.

Recently 2 groups on fb shared the same post. One in an ace group, and the other in a non-binary one. It was an 'adding' game where you state your age and post a selfie, then friend whoever interacts with it. I almost didn't respond to either posts, thinking it was just a popularity contest. However, it was a good way to let others know it was ok to friend them. Some people might not want to for many reasons. Also, a great way to connect with other LGBTQ+ people on there. So, I did eventually post in both of them. I gained 25 friends through that over the weekend. I think that's the most I've had in such a short time. Also, overall, I'm up to the most friends I've had on my list at once there. They all seem like cool and interesting people. 

We did our big monthly grocery shopping yesterday. We normally go to Costco, but it was closed for Labor Day. So, we went to Trader Joe's. I think I only found one thing there: olive hummus. Haven't had hummus in a very long time. I like making hummus and cheese sandwiches. They're refreshing, tasty, and full of protein. The olive one is one of the best. They also had chocolate hummus. That sounds nasty. I did read an article about it, and the author was surprised by how great it was. I don't know...

We also went to a local bakery. I love their Norwegian brown bread, and I usually get it sliced. Turns out that the ones that were available were frozen. They can't cut it until it thaws enough. Last time that happened it took like 3 hours. I didn't want to go through that again. On the other hand, it is getting harder to cut things, so it makes it even more difficult than before for me. I also got a maple doughboy. It's one of the things they're known for. It's huge! It's like a gingerbread man, only in donut form. This one had maple frosting. The other version is glazed. 

There's a smoked goods shop right next to it. They have smoked salmon, smoked nuts, smoked cheeses, jams, spices, and other snack-like things. I got smoked cheddar (one of my faves) and blueberry jam. I don't think I had their blueberry jam before. Too many seeds can be a trigger for my gut. So, I thought a jam with either very few/none or really small seeds would be best. I still like to have it. I think the blueberry one follows that. 

Went to World Market after that. Found quite a lot of things this time. Got my fave pickled red cabbage and apple salad, an artichoke pasta sauce, dill pickle mustard, pumpkin spice pancake mix (I still have a little of their banana and caramel pancake mix, and it's easy and delicious), pumpkin spice yogurt pretzels, and a few other things. 

Went to a local market for dinner yesterday. I just grabbed what I could eat at the salad bar. I'm trying to be better about avoiding trigger foods, and eating more protein. I need more protein than most healthy people, since I tend to have issues with absorbing it. It's hard for me to even get over half of what's considered the normal range for healthy people. Since I have to stay away from most raw vegetables, I steered clear of most of the greens like lettuce and spinach. Making it not really look like a 'healthy' salad. Shredded carrots seem to be ok, as well as a few cherry tomatoes. They had turkey, hard-boiled eggs, olives, and various other types of salads like potato salad and orzo salad. Didn't turn out as much as I expected, but it was ok. 

At Safeway, I found another mug cake mix thing. This time it's a chocolate chip cookie with chocolate frosting from the same company that did the cinnamon roll one. Should be interesting. Since it's so many calories and sugar, I'm saving it for my treat days. They also had a 12-pack of their rainbow chip (like M&Ms) cookies that were cheap. I got the small packs of 2 in the past. They're really good. It will last me a while. I pretty much have my desserts set for the next couple of weeks at least. Yay!

Went out to Costco today. Realized later that we got a lot of protein-packed things. I'm going to try 2 more different types of jerky. One's teriyaki beef and the other is beef steak. They actually have decent amounts to a bag there. 

I decided a couple of days ago to count the lumps I have at the moment. I've thought for a while that it was just around 5 of them and no big deal, but never counted them until then. There are over 30 of them! Most are in my hands. There's one big one in my neck, another in between my right eye and nose, another on a toe, and another in the crook of my left elbow. Some are soft, but a lot of them are hardening. Some seem to be growing so much they might burst through the surface. The hard ones in my hands feel weird when I grip things. Whatever I'm holding feels bumpy or uneven, even if it's smooth and straight. Some of the bumps are getting so big, I can see them just from looking at the sides of my fingers. I wonder if they're calcium deposits? I hope not. At least most of the time they're not painful. I see my primary in the middle of this month. Maybe she'll order imaging on at least my hands. I'll see my rheumatologist at the end of that week. He'll probably be able to help a lot more.

Both arms are still hurting a lot. I tried Tylenol PM last night, because the pain was also keeping me from sleeping, and I felt I needed to try something for it. The problem is so many sleep aids can mess with my mental health stuff, and so many can affect my colitis, possibly setting off a flare. That eliminates many right there. The only painkiller my primary will let me have is Tylenol, and I've been told by GIs that NSAIDs can cause flares or make it worse. I looked it up online, and Tylenol PM seems to be the safest for people with IBD in general. It basically has Benadryl and extra strength Tylenol. Benadryl's usually safe for the mental health part, too. I think I got a little more sleep. It was mostly calming. So, even when I was awake in bed, I was more relaxed. That's nicer than without. I guess I'll see how it goes after a few nights. 

I pinned a sausage and hash browns slow-cooker recipe a while back on Pinterest onto one of my boards. I think I mentioned it on here after I made it. I was the first to share a pic of it. I did not create the pin. However, a ton of people have been repinning it from me. Around 200! It's like every hour or so I get a notification on it. Kind of annoying. I've never had that happen before. Sure, a handful of people repin my pins normally, but this is very different. It doesn't even look that great. It tasted amazing, though!

Despite not going back to my Dutch this weekend (including Monday) on Duolingo, I was promoted to the Sapphire League today. That shocked me. How could I still be in the top 10 by the end of that week? I finished the Kitchen unit, and am close to finishing the Materials one. 

Managed to draw a rough outline of Junko's legs. Took a little while to figure how I wanted to position them. Edited more of Alliance. I'm into chapter 4 now. Went through 6 pages of the ebook, and 8 pages of the print. That's more than I was doing each day last week. Maybe I'll get to a lot more this time. It's flowing a lot better now. 

National Peanut Butter Day!

Most of the time, I love peanut butter. A little goes a long way. I can only have the smooth kind now, since whole and chunks of nuts can upset my gut. Sad that I have to stay away from most nuts this way. Smooth peanut butter, however, is one of my comfort or calming foods. I would think with how rich it can be, that it'd be a trigger as well. Luckily, it's not.

Last week there was a local trans meeting. It was a lot better than the meeting before that. For that one, if it had been my first time there, I wouldn't have come back. One of the members was rude to me and a few other people. She has a weird thing with enby people. I don't know what it is...It's unnerving. I think she was the one that brought up that Washington state is planning to add the 'x' option for birth certificates. X standing for non-binary genders, along with the f for female or m for male. A lot of states have either done some form (IDs and/or birth certificates) of this already or are considering it. It has stirred up 'debate', and some people are scared about it. I'd be freaking happy with that x on everything, personally. When you're neither m nor f, it puts you in a funny spot if those are the only options. Anyways, she was worried that they'll take away her f or do away with both the m and f, if they make this change. Why? Why would they take away your f? This is for enby people. We're not taking away anything. Although, no one really needs gender on their IDs. If we do have them, like now, there should be an option for others. I know there was also an argument by some nurses saying they won't know how to treat patients that have the x. That we're somehow going to destroy their system. Maybe the system needs to be updated. Maybe medical professionals should put things on forms/reminders like: those who have a vagina, penis, breasts, etc. That sort of thing. It makes it seem colder, but on the other hand it doesn't out people necessarily and everyone might feel a bit more comfortable. That's basically what the gendered stuff in health boils down to. It wouldn't be awful to make a system like that. 

She also made me feel awful about how I felt about something. It somehow didn't seem that big of a thing. At some point, it felt like she was interrogating me about it. She also seems to think being enby is a young person's thing. It isn't. Just because some people are figuring it out earlier (thanks to the internet), doesn't mean others won't find out later in life. Is being binary trans a young person's thing? No. Same with enbies. I've been surprised by the age group in the enby group I'm in on fb. There are people in their late teens, but we have a lot that are in their 50's and 60's. I think one person said they were 73, and they only realized a few years ago. I also want to learn more from the older generations and their stories/experiences. It's really cool to have that mix. 

This time the 'I' statements and not 'you' statements were stressed at the beginning. I think this helped a lot. She seemed to not talk as much...At least, she was a lot more polite and not as in your face. 

One of the members said I should try the Binder Reminder app, especially if I'm thinking of getting a chest binder. It reminds you when you need to take it off, do special exercises, etc. I think it also lists resources. The down side...it's an Android app. I have an iPhone. There is no iPhone alternative. Sadness. I could create my own reminders, though. Maybe using alarms on my phone based on what's recommended. It's a makeshift solution, at least. I'm glad that he brought it up to me. He didn't know about it until a few days before, because someone on Tumblr mentioned it. Tumblr seems to be the go-to place for a lot of LGBTQ+ stuff, but also for the haters/gatekeepers...I've stayed away from it for a while now because of those haters. I don't need that. 

I also liked that someone came back from some sort of LGBTQ+ retreat, had wanted to do one of the exercises they brought up. She asked us for trans positivity terms. At the workshop she was in all that people were coming up with were negative for the trans section. Absolutely nothing positive. We came up with a long list in just a few minutes. It was cool to see. Some were very creative and moving. I brought up diversity. The community is extremely diverse, and that's a very positive thing to me. There was also sassy, divine, wise, spiritual, weird (in a good way), and many more. 

Oh, recently trolls have been raiding trans groups on fb. Specifically making it a point to target enby groups. (One of the admins in the enby group I'm in mentioned it a few days ago.) Apparently, they think if we're bombarded by bigotry and the 'truth', that we'll somehow realize we were really cis all along. It's weird. Also, that we're too 'confused' and are 'mentally ill', so we again need to be set straight. Raiding is when they flood a group with their members and suddenly start trolling/spewing hate, then they'll report their own posts repeatedly. I'm not exactly sure how this works, but eventually that group will have too many reports and will be shut down. They've managed to shut down several groups in the past. Apparently they do this during certain times of the year, so it's dubbed raiding season. Often, in order to stop it, groups will go secret during that time. They'll scrutinize each post more, too. It makes it extremely hard to join during those times, but they need more of a safeguard. It's kind of sick to think about people raiding on a regular basis, or even ever. Maybe this is why when I started looking for enby groups, not many were showing up? How do you stop people like this? 

We got Rosie and Tasha 2 new toys. One looks like a sci-fi bony caterpillar. It's a 'wobbly bug'. If it's on the linoleum and is turned on, it vibrates and moves in circles. It doesn't move on carpet, and most of the house is carpeted...Rosie was terrified by it, and doesn't seem to like it even when it's off. I don't know how Tasha feels about that one. The other is 'Winged Chase', and it has a butterfly that whips around quickly when turned on. It actually looked cool that way, but again Rosie was scared of it while it was on. She loves it when it's off, though. She can bat and gnaw at it still. I don't know how Tasha feels about it when it's on. Dad told me that Tasha was playing with it a couple of mornings ago. So, maybe she likes it when it's off, too. 

I've been feeling like a cold or something is coming on really slowly the last few days. Runny nose, slight cough, sore throat at times, getting hot flashes in the morning, etc. I don't want to be sick. It can intensify symptoms of colitis. Even when the patient is in remission. (I oddly still get symptoms, although I feel I really have been in a strange flare most of this month.) So, it appears a little differently usually. If anything, I hope it's not the flu. I already got my shot, so I should be a little more protected. Still...it's scary.

I only missed a couple of days of writing so far. Not too bad. It's mainly been because of feeling 'sick'. I'm a few pages into chapter 3 of Alliance 3. This part has been fun to write. I won't say much, because it might spoil it. 

I started writing out the seafood section of the cookbook today. Got 6 of them done. That's good, I think. One of them was dated as 1966, which I think is the oldest. Maybe she found the recipe much later, but it came from that year? She would have been about 11 years old. I don't think she would have started this so early... (If she did, that's really impressive.) She tends to not give too many details about things. Her handwriting is difficult to read at times. I'm perfectly fine with reading cursive, but she wrote it in a very loopy and bubbly way. I know she was mainly writing them for herself, but it's still a slight pain. I found a few recipes she wrote down of Dad's. They're interesting. I stopped at the fish recipes that she got from a grocery store a long time ago somewhere. It doesn't say where. So, I'm crediting it as just 'from a grocery store'.

German has been interesting. Today, among a lot of other things, I learned the word for gender: Geschlecht. (I thought there was an r between the e and s, but the wiki has it like this.) The sentence example Duolingo had translated to: Is gender important? Very interesting. I also looked into enby terms in German, and there's a wikipedia article on it. Apparently actually saying 'gender' is also used in German sometimes. So is 'agender'. However, another way they say agender is: Geschlechtslos. That seems harder to say. I'm glad there's an actual German equivalent, though. Gender identity is: Geschlechtsidentitat. The a has the 2 dots over it. I should probably try getting the German keyboard on my desktop, like I did for Japanese. The community over there has come up with several gender-neutral pronouns, too. It is a gendered language so to read about how they navigate it is interesting. They have several words for non-binary as well as for the shortened form, enby. Nichtbinar (a has the 2 dots again) seems to be the most 'formal'. It's literally 'not binary'. There's also nibi for enby. I find it a little frustrating still that their 's', 'ch', 'z', 'v', 'd', and probably a few others; change their sound depending on a certain order. I'm still trying to figure some of that out, because they don't actually go over that. I'm at least seeing some sort of pattern. Sometimes the 'ie' and 'ei' slip me up a bit. Ie is pronounced as 'ee' and ei as 'ai'. I knew before about the ei thing, but just seeing them together, sometimes in the same word, is tricky. My brain tells me it only makes sense to switch them, but that's obviously not true. Their words are getting longer with each lesson. I know they do that, but it still seems scary at first. I like how the lit. translation for I'm hungry is: I have the hunger. (They do this with thirsty, too.) It's a different way of thinking again. I'm noticing that they apparently capitalize their nouns, too. That freaked me out at first. When my throat started having issues, even now, they haven't been picking up on my voice well. 

I've been posting the same pics I post on Instagram to deviantART. Most of the time, I don't share them in groups on there anymore. They're still managing to attract people. One person faved over 50 of my food pics or 'deviations'. Most were from before I had a long inactive spell. I was really surprised. That's a lot, and that never happens with me. They later added me to their 'watch' list. Those are like artists they're following on there. They said they just really love my food pics. I've also gotten more llamas on there lately. Llamas can be given by other members as basically a way to say they like your art. It's an in thing. Depending on how many llamas you get, your page's llama gets upgrades. Mine made it to white super llama recently. It's a fun little thing. I've also gotten more follows than I expected on Instagram. That's made it to a little over 60. I'm only following 26 people myself. Also, getting more and more likes with each thing I post. People especially like the food stuff.

Youtube:

Most of these are from before I found those Boku no (My) Hero Academia amv's that I shared last time. Also, I decided to try Blogger's youtube vid search/insert instead this time. Not all of them showed up in the search. Oh well. Youtube's actual site is weird on my desktop, so this was easier. (I can't embed/add video through the app I have.) Not sure why the other ones weren't there:

Fairy Tail:

Pandora Hearts (This one seems to change the meaning of the song, and it surprisingly fits):

Servamp:

Bungou (Literary) Stray Dogs:

National Pasta Day!

This holiday was on Tuesday. I love pasta! 😍 Could probably eat it all day every day. That wouldn't be very healthy, though.😅I like pretty much all the shapes I know of. The thick pasta seem fancy to me. Having it for special times, like Shabbat. It's probably because I'm not as used to that type of pasta.

I've felt pretty crummy gut-wise this week. 😞 So much so, I've wondered if I'm flaring again. The only way to really know for sure is through tests...As long as I don't have a prolonged fever, throwing up every day, and losing weight faster than usual; I can't do much about it.😒If any of those things were happening, I've been told to go to the hospital immediately. The pain has increased on both sides of my abdomen, which scares me a bit. I think I'm reacting to food more often again, as well. 

I was able to make a phone appointment with my gastro for the end of next month. She wanted me to make it for the end of this one. There was only one other one that was sooner, but it was around 8am.😳Even if I was up at that time, it still seems too early for a phone call to me. Not only that, but they have it as possibly calling 30 minutes before or after the appointment time...I might ask her about having tests done again. I think by then it'd be a few months since the last round of them. It'd be the first one since I started Lialda, and we could see how that's going with those tests. 

Last week, I tried on an old embroidered keyhole knit sweater. It fit surprisingly well.😳It's supposed to be clingy, which I'm not used to. I don't think I've been able to fit into it since I was 19. That was just before the infamous 'freshman 15' people usually gain in college. I'm almost 33. That's a long time.😮 I don't particularly like how much it accentuates my chest. Every time I bend over a little, it shows a lot of cleavage through the keyhole, which I don't really like either. 😑The rest of it feels nice. 

I decided to look at other old clothes a few days later. Most of these old clothes I hadn't worn since high school. Pretty much everything I tried fit. This was really surprising, good, and slightly weird to me. I found 2 flannel shirts (wore these quite often in high school), a red long-sleeved shirt with white embroidery, and 2 cardigans. I think the traditional Chinese shirt (don't remember the name of it) fit, too. It's fancy and cool looking. However it takes some maneuvering to get it on yourself. It has lots of buttons and a zipper on the side. I was trying it on over something else, too. This was the most surprising one to fit into, to me. It's rather small. Even when I got it from a women's day conference thing years ago, it was small and tight on me. 

So, with all these things fitting, I'm basically the same size as I was in high school. 😌I didn't think I'd make it back to this size. I also thought I was gaining weight again. I'm apparently still losing it. It's kind of scary that way. I want to be back to the normal weight range for someone like me, though. This means I'm getting there faster than I expected. I'm only going to truly worry if I somehow become underweight. 

I joined some more LGBTQ+ groups on facebook. 2 generalized ones, and another non-binary one. Also, found another IBD group. The generalized LGBTQ+ group I was apart of beforehand was really weird. Especially after the fights about allies in the acronym. The creator had some bizarre ideas. After that drama, hardly anyone posted. 🙄So, I dropped that one. I like having a generalized group for it. Feels more like a community. There aren't very many of them, and some of them can be ace/arophobic as well as enby-phobic. The 2 I just joined seem very inclusive. One of those groups has it as 16+ for the minimum age. They just recently made a 30+ group. I might join that as well. Not sure if I'll drop the 16+ if I do that. We'll see. 

The new enby group seems more active and interesting. There are actually questions and topics we can discuss. The other one was mainly just selfies and intros. 😑The new one apparently has another subgroup. I dropped a couple of ace groups, because they weren't active. There aren't that many ace groups on fb as it is. The new IBD group has a huge amount of members, and it's a lot more active than the other one because of that. I can connect more with that community this way, too. 

I've made at least one fb friend through the new enby group. Another one added me as well through one of the ace groups. Very interesting. Their requests were like a day apart. Another person that I knew beforehand through the local trans group friended me too. That was a day after those other 2. Cool. I'm all for people friending me, as long as they don't harass me, and I know them through some sort of group. 😊

In the new enby group, someone asked if all afab enby people identify as trans masc. Many people think of the stereotype that enbies tend to be masculine or look that way. Afab is assigned female at birth, by the way. I'm afab, and agender. I tend to like some things that are considered 'feminine', but it's like a pretty and fun mask. 🎭I don't particularly feel femme or masc. In my mind it's kind of hard to feel either if you don't have a gender. Unless it's referring to clothes or expression, I guess? Still, clothes don't actually have a gender. Many of the 'men's' clothes honestly look bland and boring from what I've seen. Although, some of their vests look interesting. I'm actually thinking of looking more into that stuff, too. Anyways, some people were also saying since they're enby, they're not trans. That's not...how it works. 🤦‍♀️Trans means that your gender is different than the one that was assigned to you at birth. So, technically being enby makes you trans. Sure, it's up to the individual to decide if they want that label, but that's personal. I put that I'm trans, enby, and genderqueer. I like all of those. Honestly, I don't know which of those last 2 I like more. They mean the same thing, but some people are uncomfortable with the word queer. (Totally understandable.) That's how enby came about. It's newer than genderqueer. Someone felt exactly the way I did about all this, which was cool. 😎Someone else loved it. 

Another person said they didn't feel enby enough because they still use she/her pronouns.😨 She's agender. She wasn't sure about they/them for herself. Many people, like me, said you should use whatever you feel comfortable with. You're still valid as an enby. ☺️I've been thinking about my pronouns, too. I still use she/her, because I'm used to it. They/them seems interesting and logical for someone like me, but I don't really know if it's right...🤔I don't have to decide immediately, though. 

We finally had a meeting for the trans group. Couldn't find a place for it during the summer. There was a pretty decent amount of people. We had one new person, which was good. I talked more about agender stuff during my check-in. Found out one member is agender, but leaning on the masculine side. I suppose that's kind of like the idea behind the ace/aro spectrums? It was interesting. A couple of members, who weren't there, are bigender. I can't imagine having one let alone 2 genders at once, but that's still cool. 😳There are pangender people out there, as well. That's incomprehensible to me to be all genders at once. Even more fascinating, though. A couple of the older trans women seemed to be confused by some of it. They're willing to learn, though.

I brought up how I've been thinking about top surgery (double mastectomy). I've always felt weird about my chest. Especially when they 'exploded' a couple of years into college. It felt more 'right' when I was small. They've felt foreign since they grew, too. 😨I still want 'feminine' clothes to fit me. Someone suggested a reduction instead. That might be ok, however there's still a health risk side. My mom had breast cancer, her mom had it, and one of my mom's sister's had it. I saw what it did to my mom. I don't want that to happen to me. 😣So, getting top surgery will both be a gender and health thing. Doctors will most likely get behind it if I only bring up the health risk part. They still might fight with me. Saying I'm too young for such a drastic change. I'm tempted to bring it up with my primary, but I don't like her anymore. We'll see.

Icons or avatars were brought up that people looked up to. Many people thought about others that they felt they could relate to gender-wise. Mine have always been people like Marie Curie, Audrey Hepburn, and Coco Chanel. I think in the past, I went with what body-type I had. I feel weird with saying female-bodied, but some trans people use it. These were fierce, smart, beautiful, and cool women. I also went by personality rather than gender. The thing is, I don't know any out agender celebrity, scientist, or other icons. So, I can't truly see my gender represented through anyone. 😒

When I brought up Audrey Hepburn, one of the older women said: "oh, you mean Katherine Hepburn." It took me a moment, because I wasn't sure why she 'corrected' me on it. 🤔After a moment, she added: "since she was a tomboy." No. Agender doesn't equal tomboy. 🤦‍♀️Tomboys still are women. I meant who I said, too. 

We might have a Halloween party at the next meeting. 🎃That meeting will be on the 1st, so it makes sense. It'd be a nice, fun, and social thing. I just have no idea what I'd wear for a costume. 

My birthday is November 7th. 🎉Coming up really quickly. I don't have anything planned yet, nor a list of what I want for it. I'm horrible at making birthday lists. 😒I might want a new computer. Mine is having issues going online, and isn't supported by Microsoft anymore. Can't decide between Mac or Windows. I think it'd be cool to have an all-in-one. Computers have come a long way since my current one. Another thing might be a black ring. I might go out to eat for it, go shopping, maybe see a movie at the theater, etc. I don't really know yet.🤷‍♀️

I've made it to practicing my clarinet for 55 minutes. Yay! ☺️Next week I might start doing it for an hour. I don't want to practice for longer than that. I'm sounding much better now. Trying to play things I usually skip, too. 

Finished the agender chapter in the memoir. Ended up being longer than I expected. I'll get back to the travel one next time. At the moment, I'm covering stuff from Kentucky. The state I was born in. The sequel to Alliance has been interesting so far. I'm still not sure where it's headed.🤔

I noticed that Dad had created a playlist based on her memoir. It gave me the idea that maybe I should make one for mine as well as for my other books. That sounds like it'll be fun, and I might feel closer to them. The Sweet Endless Terror one would be probably the easiest to make. A lot of Halloween and other scary/ominous music. 👻🎵

I've kind of given up on the local ace group.😔 No one showed up for months when I went regularly to the cafe. No one has asked where we are since I stopped going. No one's posted in the online group for a long time. I was pretty much the one to post stuff. There were one or two allies that did too, but no one else. It just...seems sad.😣 It seems they want a group, but once they're a member they don't do anything. I get that some people want a more private place, but this was voted on. Also, we don't have many options available to us. 

At some point, I still want to go back to my ace media list. I want to search a bit longer for stuff to add, and then share it. I think I'll share it here somehow, in the inactive local ace group, other ace groups on fb, on ace forums, etc. I want it out there, and people can suggest adding more to it. That way there's an even broader list over time. It just takes time with this stuff. It might be a while before I share it.😞

International Museum Day!

The holiday was yesterday. Museums are awesome! There are so many different types, and all of them are interesting. Cool that there's a day devoted to it. The day was created by the International Council of Museums in 1977. The organization chooses a different theme each year. This year's theme was Museums and Contested Histories: Saying the Unspeakable in Museums. Last year it was Museums and Cultural Landscapes. Today's World IBD Day. IBD definitely needs awareness. Too many people are ignorant about it.

My health seems to be getting a bit worse. I'm actually throwing up more often. I usually don't have this issue. I remember my 'specialist' had said that if I throw up often, or have a fever for a while, or I'm bleeding a lot; then it's time to go to the ER. It's not constant, though. I had made a phone appointment for Wednesday to talk to my primary about the new med, side effects, seeing a gastroenterologist, possibly having malabsorption issues again, that weird lump that's still behind my ear, etc. For phone appointments, they can call you 30 minutes before and after the appointment time. So, I waited the entire time, and there was no call. About a half hour later I get a voicemail from her about how she was sorry she missed the appointment, and we really needed to talk to at least bring her up to date on things. My phone didn't ring before I got the message. Maybe service wasn't good at that moment or something. It still was after my appointment time. I'm a little upset about it, but will try again soon.

Another thing that made me a little pissed off, was about a post on one of the public ace pages I follow. Someone said that another person told them that the A in LGBTQIA is for ally. Their response was awesome! But, they were still shaking with anger. This is a huge thing for us, and often it's a tactic to erase our identity from the community as a whole. It's also strange to say allies matter more than aces. The A also stands for aro and agender. It's pissing off 3 different identities at once. And, I might be all 3. At the very least, I know I'm 2 of them. Many 'gate-keepers' tell aces they're 'basically straight', and that we're invading their spaces. Then, turn around and often actually let in straight people into those spaces. Doesn't make sense. They push that aside, saying that allies are often closeted LGBTQ+ people. That seems weak at best. There might be some, but they're still associating with that community. Oftentimes, people who use this argument seem to only want the L and G part. Allies are an important outside force helping the community, and don't need to be in the acronym. 

There was drama again in the closed LGBTQ+ facebook group. The same that seems to be brought up every few weeks. This time, it seemed to be even more heated. The admin/creator of the group wants to be as inclusive as possible. I know she means well by this, and I know English is not her first language. I like that the main title for it is Rainbows, Unicorns, and Aces. Then, it used to have a longer acronym than many LGBTQ+ groups, but that was still ok. She made it much longer recently. People started to ask what some of the more lesser known letters meant, understandably. So, she listed them out and some of the definitions. First of all, with some of the back and forth, she said the definition of straight is a bigot essentially. (This felt really horrible.) Heterosexual wasn't straight to her. This in itself caused tension. She had added H for heterosexual, and added that the A also stood for ally. She had a lot of identities under the A already. Many of these identities and the ones added for others, actually fell under other umbrellas. Like asexuality covers ace-spec people, but she listed specific ones as separate. Anyways, she clearly didn't understand why the H especially was a big no-no. She said that since trans people can be heterosexual, aros can be heterosexual, and aces can be heteroromantic, there needs to be an H to acknowledge them. It was crazy enough to me that I stepped in and commented on it. I said those people belong in the community (if they choose to) because they're trans, aro, or ace. Not because of the hetero part of their identity. We live in a heteronormative world, so why would we need hetero in there? (There are so many more reasons that it's a really bad idea...) I'm not saying being straight is bad. I'm saying that identity isn't why someone would be apart of the community. I think it might be hard for some people to think about intersectionality, and that might be her problem with this. I got quite a few likes on this, so I must have said it right. 

I also responded to the ally part. She wants allies to be apart of the group, because all her friends are allies, and to her, not adding them would be an insult. I mentioned that she can have it as: [acronym] And Allies. That way she acknowledges them without throwing them in the community. Many groups do it like that. 

She also wanted suggestions for the acronym. I mentioned that some people have it as QUILTBAG+, and it's kind of fun to say. A good majority do: LGBTQ+. The plus meaning other identities that aren't listed. It's not erasing them this way, and is shorter/easier to say/type. MOGAI (Marginalized Orientations, Gender Alignments, and Intersex) has been growing in popularity, too. I kind of like it, and it seems inclusive. I prefer writing/saying LGBTQ+, though. Something about it sounds better, I guess. She liked the ideas I brought up. However, she's thinking of leaving the group, because of this drama. She was the one that turned it into something crazy like this. Now she's looking for admins to replace her. Kind of sad. She finally seems to understand, but is giving up. 

Went to the local trans group Wednesday night. We had a few new people this time. It's interesting and nice that the group seems to be growing pretty quickly recently. There was a group of 3 new people that were talkative, but really nice and friendly. One is Taiwanese, I think, and translates things into Mandarin. In fact, she wants to learn more about LGBTQ+ groups, and translate what she finds out into Mandarin for other people to learn. She's actually lesbian, so she has that perspective already. I think that's amazing! Another one came from Vietnam, is a trans man, and I think might have been one of the youngest members in a while. At the end of the meeting, he made sure to hug Dad and I. It was sweet of him. I think there was a new person who is non-binary, too. That was nice to see. I'm still nervous to ask about gender stuff there. I have this weird feeling if I do, I'll offend someone. Mainly because of the strong possibility of me being agender. Like, to people who experience gender, it might be insulting if someone might not...I know the group's not like that, but it still feels weird to me. I haven't met anyone through the group that's agender, either. They might be the ones that would help me the most. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't care what others might think, and just ask things anyways. Also, someone has been bringing 2 dogs for last few meetings. I love animals, but they've been very distracting. It won't matter much next time, since it's the 5th Wednesday. Those are potluck and movie meetings.

Local Pride stuff is coming up. The picnic is next month. It was nice last time. The Pride parade will be apart of the 4th of July parade. Last year they didn't have an ace flag. I helped with holding the huge rainbow flag, though. It was really something to see that flag throughout most of the events last year. 

This time I plan to bring my big ace flag. It's 3' x 5'. Bigger than me. I just need to find a pole for it. I'm a little nervous that it might be too big, overshadow other identities, or that it might be too into people's faces. However, Pride is about being proud about who you are. So, maybe it's perfect for it. A popular saying in the ace community is: Ace and in your face. That would certainly fit this. I might wear it as a cape at the actual Pride at the end of July. Some people do that with the big flags. I'm not sure if I'll trip over it, though. 

It'd be kind of cute to find a mini aromantic flag at Pride. Although, I doubt I will. I could wave it around while I'm there.


I was told that they'll have a bulletin board at Pride for group flyers, and that I can leave info sheets or brochures at the main info booth. That makes it easier. Although, I'll still tell people about asexuality and the group, if they ask. I probably will have some people at least ask about the flag. It'd be cool if other aces show up, too. They might gravitate towards me if they see the flag. I was thinking of having a separate booth for the local ace group I created, but no one else seems interested in it. I don't want to be the only one there if we have one. It's silly that way. 

I'll make the flyers for the group soon. Might get people that are actually willing to show up offline. I was thinking about it yesterday, and it was brought up a while ago, that the group's name might need to be changed. I knew there was a group called ACES, but I didn't think they had the county in the name. So, it's essentially the same thing, only with more capitalized letters...It stands for Alternative Community Education Society. A totally different thing. Often, it's seen as a very sexual organization. So, I'm wondering if people have been confused by this? I was just going with the pattern before of other groups. I really thought that group had a specific city name in it, instead. I should have looked more closely at it when I made the group. However, this makes me wonder about the few other ace groups in the region. Many apparently aren't as active as they used to be. Maybe people get it confused with that organization, too? So, I think I'm going to change it to [County Name] Asexuals. It's short, upfront, and gets the point across. I made a post on there about changing the name, if anyone objected, and/or if they had other suggestions. So far, no one's objected to it, or had other suggestions. I know I only posted it yesterday. However, if I still have no objections by tonight, I'm changing it. If people have issues with it, they can tell me. Maybe we could come up with something better if they give me a better alternative. This might actually look better to people at Pride, too. I wanted to make sure it was an ok name for everyone. That way I can start designing the flyers. It'd be a waste if I made flyers before the name change. Hopefully I'll have them ready for the meeting after the one this Saturday. That way I can at least put one up at that cafe while I'm there. I looked at Asexual Outreach's free info sheets, but the wording is strange. I might look at other places for it. Although, the asexual issues sheets were pretty well done. They have a teen and an adult one. Those groups face different issues. Maybe I could use that in addition. We still would need a general info one. Maybe I'll make my own, if need be. I'll probably have them before Pride comes along. So, lots of fun and interesting stuff coming up. All of this has potential to boost our group's visibility and membership.

National Chocolate Parfait Day!

The holiday was actually on Monday. I love parfaits! I don't like the ones that are usually considered parfaits locally. Those have granola, berries, and yogurt. It's like a regional thing. Anyways, at least our local Safeway has the real stuff. They have lemon, apple spice, chocolate brownie, cherry, and strawberry flavored ones. I recently had their apple spice one. It has whipped cream on top, apple pie filling, sponge cake, and vanilla pudding on the bottom. I think the others are pretty much the same, just switch out the apple filling with the others. I think I've had the brownie one, and it was really good. To me, the lemon and cherry ones are tied as the best, though.

This is my wallpaper for May. It's Leo and Sonic from Kekkai Sensen or Blood Blockade Battlefront. It's a fun one. Also, Kekkai Sensen will have its 2nd season soon. (I don't think there's a set date yet, though.) That'll be awesome!

With the Pusheen calendar, it seems Pusheen has her own cafe. There are several other cats at the tables, and one ordering something. The food looks tasty and cute. 3 kittens are at one table, each one eating a cat head-shaped cupcake. 2 older cats seem to be chatting about things. One has coffee, the other has cat head-shaped cookies. For some reason, the one with the cookies reminds me of Tasha. That one's all white and long-haired. Tasha has black spots, though. She still seems to have a similar expression and overall look. There's a curly-haired cat alone at one of the tables. They ordered the most amount of stuff. They have a cookie in front of them, a slice of cake, coffee, and a parfait. It's a cute scene. On the calendar part, they have a chocolate chip cookie. Kind of makes me hungry every time I see it. 

The month-long holidays for May are: National Asparagus Month, National BBQ Month, National Egg Month, National Hamburger Month, National Salad Month, National Salsa Month, National Strawberry Month, National Vinegar Month, Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month, Drum Month, Haitian Heritage Month, Jewish American Heritage Month, National Bike Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. Wow! That's a lot of them this time. 

The 5-year anniversary of my mom passing away was on Monday. We visited her grave. Apparently, someone had cleaned off the headstone. Dad was thinking of wiping it down with a towel. Last year we had the unveiling. It was somewhat dirty looking after we took the covering off. So, it was nice to see it this way this time. I like it even more. We couldn't stay long, because it was really buggy out. Last year, it was because of the rain...Seems every time I go to that cemetery it's either raining or buggy out. 

Her yahrzeit, or the Jewish anniversary of it, is on the 9th of Iyar or May 5th this year. Technically, starting tonight until tomorrow night. I'll light a yahrzeit candle for it. They burn for the entire time. I'll probably take a pic of it, to at least do something for it. I almost forgot about looking up her yahrzeit, so I'm glad I didn't miss it.

Afterwards, we went to the somewhat new local Indian place. Just to have something calming. I think she would have liked it there. I got chicken saag (a spinach type curry), and plain naan. Haven't had saag in a long time, and it was good. They have a ton of different types of naan. I think I've had their garlic one and potato one. Their plain seemed the best so far. It's huge, too! Got gulab jamun for dessert. It's one of my fave desserts, and haven't had it in a long time. They're like milk-based ball-shaped donuts soaked in a honey and rosewater syrup. They usually come out piping hot. I think I was supposed to wait a little longer before trying to eat the first one. It wasn't entirely cooked all the way. Plus, even though I tried cooling it off, I burned my tongue a couple of times. Oh well. It was still really delicious. Although, I think the last time I had it, it was slightly better. 

I thought, since there were a few likes to my reminders for the last local ace meeting, that we'd have a few more people. Nope. I was wrong. It was just me and one other person. It's great that that other person is going, but it doesn't feel like a 'group' yet. Hardly anyone else posts on the online group, either. It's alright if people don't want or feel they can post online, but at least show up to the offline meetings. Contribute a bit. I know some are allies, and that's cool. Still would be great for them to show up. I also know some ace and ace-spec people might be too nervous to go, and take time to get the courage to go. Totally understandable. There should be some that are willing to go by now, though. It's weird. I don't hate anybody in the group, just would like more people participating in some form. I want to plan some group-like things. Get people's input on the media list I'm creating, hear other people's stories, hear their concerns, see what we could do as a group about some of that stuff, have getting to know you type events, and mold it into more of a community. 

I do plan to make flyers for it. I'm a little nervous about broadcasting it, since I don't want, what some people call, 'chasers' and other dangerous people showing up. Yes, there are actual asexual chasers out there. I've read many stories about them in other fb groups. Some might be semi-harmless, and just want a relationship with an ace. However, most of them, consider aces a challenge. Like, it's their duty to 'convert' or make them straight. You can tell where this can lead...Also, there are people out there that want to kill anyone who isn't 'normal' or a heteroromantic heterosexual cis person. So, how to broadcast it without putting the group in danger? It's a tricky thing. I know Dad had put flyers out at cafes when she started her group. Later, people put flyers up in libraries and at their college. I think places like those seem 'safe'. I'll definitely put one up at the cafe we meet at. The other person that's been showing up said they might go around their college with some. 

I also want ace representation at Pride. Events start with our local one next month. I feel a little strange about it, though. It's rare, but there are some people who have issues with aces at LGBTQ+ things. Even though we technically are apart of it, there are exclusionists or 'gatekeepers'. They're still like that with bi and pan people, too. Those gatekeepers would probably just want it to be for LG, and not the rest of the communities. Anyways, I thought it'd be cool to have a booth at our local one. I can have my giant flag draped over the front, or put it over a table. (Although, it's more likely to get dirty if it's on the table.) Then, have flyers for the group on the table. Asexual Outreach has free info flyers and brochures that I can print out, as well. It'd be something. If the group was in full swing already, I'd ask them about it and what they would like to have at the booth. I might still post a status about it in the online group. Dad is apart of the Pride organizing group, so I'll ask that group about it.

As it is, I also want to find a pole for my huge ace flag. I'll probably wave it around during the parade. It might be too big, though...It's actually bigger than me. I'll be loud and in people's faces if I use it. Then again, that's kind of what Pride is about. Being proud of who you are, and showing it to the world. It would be interesting if I had like a mini aro flag to wave with it. Aros are almost non-existent at these things. Even more so than aces. If I'm able to have a little booth, I might make aro info flyers, too. Since I'm both. Also, often times aces help the aro community out. Even though many aros want to distance themselves from aces, it's still good to help each other, I think. And, the people who are both, like me, have a different view of it. Interesting how I only fully realized/came to terms with myself being ace a year ago. Sometime in June will mark a year. It's only been since November when I realized I was aro. 

I'm still questioning if I'm agender. My mind is still going in circles about it. Thinking things like there's a lot of different types of women out there. Then, going back to I never felt like the women I've been around about gender. In the past, I've thought: oh, I have a similar body to women, so I must be a woman. That technically doesn't make a person a woman, though. I haven't felt like clothes 'affirm' my gender like some people. So, gender expression comes into play, as well. I see a lot of what's considered 'feminine' stuff as fun and pretty decoration. It doesn't make me who I am, I guess. Some men like that stuff, too. It doesn't mean they're any less of a man. It's confusing to me. Part of it I'm thinking, is if I'm agender, this 'confusing' part would make sense. If you don't 'experience' or feel a certain gender, how would you figure that out with all this gender-specific stuff? It feels very vague. 

At the trans group last night, I brought up that I'm questioning if I'm agender. There was a bit more of a reaction this time. Had a lot of people there, too. One person asked what it meant, and they don't mean to offend. I told them what it meant. I'm not offended that they wouldn't know, it's kind of a lesser known gender identity. I only knew about it pretty recently. The person who asked is questioning their gender. However, I think they said in the past that they're leaning towards genderfluid. There aren't that many non-binary people there. Let alone someone who's agender. In a way, I kind of feel like agender isn't trans. But, it's not cis, either. It's kind of its own thing. I don't really know...Maybe I'll bring up more of this stuff next time. Oh, and apparently I'm a toaster now. Someone joked about how Dad might have 'changed' me, and therefore she gets a toaster. They started calling me the toaster. Funny, but I'd still rather be a unicorn. Much more majestic. 

Also, if I am agender, I'd be what some people call in the ace groups I'm apart of on fb, a triple A battery. Some have it as A cubed. It's interesting. Also, within agender, there are other identities. Like, maybe you like what's considered feminine things and are agender, or masculine things for that matter. Are you afab or amab? This one's also used in the trans community in general. Afab is assigned female at birth, and amab is assigned male at birth. Both would have different experiences no matter where they actually fall in the spectrum. I forget many of the terms the agender community has. I'm really just starting out with looking into it, though. 

I recently started writing the sequel to Alliance. Don't have a name for it yet, so I guess I can refer to it as Alliance 2 for now. Even just for myself, I've wanted to continue the story. Alliance ended on a huge cliffhanger. I could probably make the story into a series. There's so much I can do with it.

Started writing a memoir, too. I decided that each chapter will have a topic, and I'll expand on that topic and the experiences I've had related to it. The first one's titled: Aro Ace. I might throw in gender stuff, as well. A lot of these 'chapters' sound like they'll be pretty long. That's ok, though. It also won't be necessarily linear. Hopefully, I can keep up writing both the memoir and Alliace 2. 

My health hasn't been great lately. Every few days, it seems I find a slightly different side effect. One of the ones that's been constant lately has been a weird rash on my left lower eyelid. It usually appears at night. Like, around dinner time. It feels like a bad sunburn. My right lower eyelid is starting to do a similar thing. IBD can affect things outside of the digestive system. Like, the skin, eyes, bones, hair, etc. Technically, everything's connected to our digestive system, though. Anyways, it's a little upsetting to me. A couple of weeks ago, when this started, it was at its worst. My entire left eyelid was in so much pain for most of the day, I couldn't open it at times. It made my eye sting, but most of the pain was on the outside. So, I knew it wasn't an inner eye thing. It's been a bit easier to live with after that day, but it's still weird. I'll bring it up when I talk to my primary. 

Maybe it's a side effect of the nortriptyline, which is the new med I was put on. The 'specialist' from before said it might help with my stomach pain, and may help slightly with sleep. It doesn't really do much. I've noticed that I still have a hard time falling asleep because of the constant pain. I still get about the same amount of sleep, which I'm guessing is about 4 hours. Not good enough. When I wake up, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. It's hard to move, too. I think that's a side effect of it. They said it will most likely make me groggy, but this seems to be something more. It kind of adds a different sort of pain. I'll bring this up with her, too. Another thing, is when I look at people to listen to them more intently, my face feels droopy. Especially my eyelids and mouth. It might just be the angle I look at people, because I've noticed it at other times, as well. It's a weird feeling. Sometimes it feels numb, too. Eyes seem to get blurry occasionally, too. I was actually told that this one might be a side effect.

In the past, the only thing that I got results with the constipation was from the dulcolax. It was really bad again, so I got some. I decided to take 3 the first night (on Monday), which is the highest dose. The following morning, I woke up and immediately threw up. Luckily, I made it in time. Apparently, 3 was too much for my system to handle. I didn't get any relief for it until yesterday. Still feel backed up. It's pretty bad when dulcolax isn't quite cutting it. I'm happy it helped a lot yesterday. I'll bring this up, too. Although, she won't be able to help me on this until I actually see a specialist or gastroenterologist. It scares me. I keep thinking that maybe I have a partial blockage that's slowly getting worse. I hope it doesn't end up being completely blocked. I'd have to go to the hospital for that. 

I finished watching Bleach. It's a really long one. However, I skipped most of the 'filler' episodes. There were enough filler episodes at times that they had their own story arcs. I'm glad I skipped them. The manga version ended in 2016. It was going for 15 years. The anime ended in 2012, and went for 8 years. The anime ended early, so if people want to see what happens next, they can read the manga. I might do that. There are 4 movies, which I might watch in the future. There's also a live-action film coming out at some point. I think I read that it's an American adaptation or something. Not sure how that will go. There's a rock musical, too.