29th of Nisan

It's been a long time since I lasted posted here. Didn't want it to be this long between posts. Hopefully, I'll get to posting more often. I've been posting a lot to places like Facebook, Tumblr, and PatientsLikeMe. They've kind of become more of a way for people to know what's going on with me. It's a bit more difficult to post on here, because I can only really do it through my desktop. There isn't an app for this. At least, not a reliable one. I haven't really used my computer in a while, either. Trying to stay downstairs as much as I can, and my computer's upstairs in my room. My room doesn't even feel like my room anymore. It's odd that I now sleep downstairs in the family room with a hospital bed in the middle of it. They want me to avoid upstairs as much as possible because of my bone mets, and it's easier to break a bone if I fall. I miss being up here, though. 

Yesterday marked the anniversary of when I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. It's crazy that it's been a year. Feels like longer. A lot has happened. At least, I can look at it like I survived a year. Many people don't make it past 5 years after diagnosis. I hope I can make it that long, and surpass it by a lot. I want to live for as long as I can. Hopefully, my quality of life will still be relatively good for a long time. 

I didn't do Passover this year. That's twice in a row of not doing it. Last year I was recovering from falling in the shower and breaking my right shoulder, and I had just learned about having cancer. I think it was later that year. That's another thing. It kind of crept up on me this year. Last month was rather expensive, and I didn't want to add on to it. I also was just not feeling it this year. Even a month beforehand, when I usually try to start getting the food for it, it just didn't feel right. I'm hoping next year I can feel up to it. If I do it early enough, I can find everything I need for the holiday and not worry about cooking much during it. I've felt so fatigued that it's hard for me to do things like cook. That holiday is very cooking-centric. However, like I mentioned, if it's early enough, I can get most of it already prepared online. No need to make my own things like cereal that way. It's one of my fave holidays. 

Kind of along the same line, I recently started Duolingo's Yiddish course. It just came out a few days ago. Feels like another way to connect with my ancestors who spoke it. It's interesting that I tried their Scottish Gaelic course when it came out, too. Some of my other ancestors spoke that. There aren't many speakers of either language today. There might be more who speak Yiddish than Scottish Gaelic today. People are trying to change that with both languages, though. I think that's awesome! It was interesting that on the day Yiddish went live, Duolingo had a thing where if you order a bagel in Yiddish at participating stores, you'd get it for free. I wish they had one that was local to me. I could have tried it. So far, I'm doing pretty well with it. Only missed a few questions/sentences out of 7 units, and leveling out 4 of those. (There are 5 levels with around 5 lessons for each unit.) With most of them, I've gotten perfect scores. I started out on the totally new to it trek. They start you off with the letters that way. They added in actual words and sentences earlier than I expected. It would have been even greater if they also had speaking exercises. I know it's still in beta, but hopefully they can add that in the future. I'm just happy I get to be exposed a bit more to it. My plan for Duolingo before is going to be put on hold until I finish their Yiddish course. I've wanted to do this for a while. The plan before was with every new Treats monthly subscription box, change to the language that that country speaks. So, if it's something like India, start learning Hindi. I thought that would be a great way to learn languages, and learn more about the country they feature. I did that last month when it was on India. Hindi was very interesting, but I don't think their course for it was even as good as their Yiddish course so far. The month before that I tried Bahasa Indonesia on there. Even though it was Malaysian snacks that time, I couldn't find any good Bahasa Malaysia apps and it wasn't on Duolingo. Bahasa Indonesia is supposed to be similar, so I went with that. Before that, I was trying to do Welsh. Got really tired of it quickly. Hopefully, I can stick with Yiddish all the way to the end of the course, and keep it up every day. 

I went to the dentist for the first time in roughly 15 years recently. I finally got dental insurance last year, and just hadn't gone yet. My oncologist really wanted me to go before I started xgeva. Xgeva's a bone strengthening med. It's like zometa, only not an infusion. This one's in shot form. She thinks it'll be better for me after I ended up feeling really sick with the first zometa infusion. Anyways, both these meds can cause dental problems. One of those being jaw necrosis. They don't want me to go through major dental procedures while on it. The dentist poked around and looked at x-rays of my teeth that first visit. He said the only problem he saw was that I had cavities. 7 of them. So, I'll need 7 fillings. Not major dental stuff, so he ok'd me taking xgeva, and sent a fax to my oncologist. The next time I saw him he did a deep cleaning. It was painful at times. He prescribed a toothpaste and mouth rinse afterwards. I read that they help with preventing more cavities, remineralizes, and helps to prevent worsening of gingivitis. That's kind of good. I'm only supposed to use the mouth rinse for 10 days. The toothpaste has an odd flavor. It says it's fruit-flavored, but tastes like bubble gum. I'd prefer to get back to my other toothpaste in the future. That one has a better flavor and is for sensitive teeth. My teeth have always been sensitive. Even when they were super healthy. The insurance didn't cover those prescriptions, but they weren't as expensive as I expected. So that was a plus. The next time I'll see him he'll do a 'tissue check'. Not sure what that entails. Then, he'll get to doing 2 of the fillings. The only problem I have with this dental place is they continue to call and text my parent about my appointments. They're not contacting me. I wrote my phone number on the intake form. They somehow got my number before I gave it to them, since they called while I was filling it out. I brought this up to them at the end of my appointment last time, and specifically said call or text me, not my parent. They started to say they didn't have it. I brought up that it's on the intake form, and said my number again for them. My parent got a text reminder of my next appointment that night. The next time they text her, I'll call them about it. It's kind of ridiculous. I don't know why they're contacting her and not me. It feels like maybe they're afraid or something? I didn't answer that time they called me because I had so much stuff on my lap and I was in the midst of finishing that form. So weird. 

We recently found out that Rosie, our cat, has diabetes. My parent was giving her insulin for a while. The insulin was human and pretty expensive. One little bottle is $300, but that's supposed to last 6 months. It still is a lot. We also changed her food to a higher protein one that needs a prescription. Tasha, our other cat, loves that stuff, too. We were told last Monday that she may have beaten her diabetes. It might have gone into remission. That way she might not need insulin anymore. The food might be enough for now. Her readings for the glucose monitor were much lower than before. They monitored her at the vet clinic for a day. That'll be great if she doesn't need the shots anymore. 

On Monday, I had a CT and full bone scan done. It was an exhausting day. They took forever to get the IV in. I came close to passing out at one point. They told me last time that I should make an appointment just beforehand with one of the people from the infusion center. That way they can use an ultrasound to find a vein quickly. I thought I'd be fine this time. Plus, I couldn't find the card of the person I was supposed to call. I shouldn't have to make another appointment for before it either. They gave me a card of another person from the infusion center for next time. Hopefully, I'll remember. I have to have them done every 3 months. The results came back really quickly. They seem great, except for 2 things in the findings section of the CT scan. That being a small fat-containing umbilical hernia, and focal fluid collections or masses. I'll bring that up with my oncologist the next time I see her. Like I said, the rest of it looked great. Even the bone scan is stable. There's no progression, but there's also no shrinkage or anything disappearing. My lungs are clear now, too. They saw a lung nodule last time that they were worried about. They suspected that it was a met, and now they're not sure. It's gone now at least. 

Home Health stopped having their aides come by to give me a shower. It was right after my home aide had quit, and my palliative care nurse had just gotten back from vacation. It shocked him, and he said it made him stammer. I think the way it was done wasn't right. I didn't like them in the first place, and wanted to be able to do it on my own for a while. They didn't give me any 'tools' to try it on my own beforehand. One home aide suggested I buy a long shower brush. I can't reach my back, neck, upper left arm, and anything from the knee down on my own without any tools. That's still quite a lot. I wasn't able to get the brush before they stopped coming to see if it would actually help me. It would have been best to have at least one more time of them coming by, seeing how I handle a brush, and maybe tell me some tips on how to better use it. That would have been much better. I like how the manager told me I can get back into the program whenever I need them. Well, I needed them right then. I have been able to do it on my own with the brush since then. It really wears me out, though. 

I decided to stop getting the Arts in Letters monthly subscription. They were very interesting, but I just couldn't keep up with them after a while. I love the idea of them, too. I hope the person behind it can keep it up. I looked up other monthly subscription boxes to replace it. I decided on Celebrate States. This is a very interesting one. I love learning about states. Each box comes with a ton of info on it, and quite a lot of items. Each one is personalized according to what you filled out on the quiz just before ordering it. Since I said I had cats, there was a cat toy in the first box. I don't know if every box will have something cat-related, but that's nice. You had a choice of either Florida or North Carolina for the first box. I chose Florida. There was a nice smelling candle, homemade soap, honey, teas, gum, a shell, goat's milk lotion, a rub for meat, and more. It had more things in it than I was expecting. I think the next state is California, since they mentioned it on their Facebook page. After the first month, it's a mystery as to what the next state will be. I also virtually visited places that sounded interesting, which I found in the guidebook and magazines that came with it. I might do the same thing with future states. Gives me something to do, at least. 

A friend sent me a box filled with things. It was essentially a care package to help keep me preoccupied. I didn't expect to get something like that. There's certainly a lot to it. There's a ton of chocolate, a drawing book, an art book, coloring books, fun socks, teas, colored pencils, markers, a candle (Peruvian lime scented), ramen, a cat treat, a huge jigsaw puzzle featuring birds, and more. It was very nice of them. The only problem was finding places for everything. I really appreciated it, though. Apparently, another friend is going to send me something, too. That being Girl Scout cookies and gift cards. They don't have to send me these things, but it's all so nice and sweet of both of them. 

I tried to get into my regular clothes recently. I normally wear my pajamas. Even when I go out. Found out I lost weight everywhere but the area they did my hysterectomy in. My shirt was baggier than the last time I wore it. My jeans were baggy except for the top, where I couldn't zip it up. I just hope I don't get something like my mom did. She had 2 abdominal tumors. She lost weight at the time, the first tumor was detected, everywhere but her belly. This is different, though. Maybe that hernia has something to do with it, too. I think it has to do with how the area has healed since the hysterectomy. It's made more of a pooch. If I want to try wearing jeans now I need to get a bigger sized pair. It's weird that the legs of those jeans will be super baggy that way. I've managed for the couple days lately, that I wanted to wear regular clothes, to wear a shirt, pajama bottoms, and regular socks. It's better than before, I guess. 

At some point, I want to get back to my walks. This week might be best for that. It's going to get up to and around 70 degrees at some point. That's going to be nice. It's been so cold still. The fleece/sherpa blend blanket I got not long ago has really helped at night. If I start doing my walks when it's nice out, I might be more likely to keep it up. We'll see. I hope to eat closer to what I used to, as well. It's a little difficult with having the to-go meals for dinners, and all that chocolate. However, I could halve some of those dinners. With the chocolate, I'm trying to just have one serving at a time. Even with that, it adds quite a few calories. I'm trying to also give myself a break sometimes. Keeping my 'splurge' days would be good. Those being Friday night through Sunday. My palliative care nurse said I really shouldn't care too much about eating healthier. Just do what I can, but with my situation, it's ok to indulge more with things. I want to feel healthier, though. 

I want to get back to watching things, too. It took me a while to get through the last 2 things I finished through Netflix. I'm almost done with The School Nurse Files. I think there's only one more episode left. Hopefully, I can finish that soon. The next show on my list is Betaal, which is a short Indian zombie show. The School Nurse Files is a supernatural Korean one. It's kind of eccentric. I think it was based on a manhwa or Korean comic. It's a bit surreal as a live-action show. I also want to get back into watching anime. I've been somewhat catching up again with One Piece, but I've pretty much stopped watching other things. I'm about a year behind on anime I'd like to watch. That's quite a lot. Plus, during this season, there are a ton of shows that I love that started their next season. It feels weird to be so far behind. Hopefully, I'll get into it again. 

6th of Elul

 I thought I'd be posting here more often than I have. Kind of sad. I have been posting what's been happening medically on Facebook. People seem to like that. Maybe I'll get back to posting here on a regular basis soon. 

I can't believe it's almost Rosh Hashanah (lit. Head of the Year) or our New Year. It's also the start of the High Holy Days. That lasts for 10 days and ends with Yom Kippur (or Day of Atonement). Rosh Hashanah is at the beginning of the next Jewish month of Tishri. During Elul, it's a time of introspection and asking for forgiveness. There are some traditions people do during it. For instance, we blow the shofar each morning during the month. It's like waking our souls up to be prepared for the High Holy Days. I finally did that yesterday morning. I had been meaning to when the month started. I'm surprised I managed to get a sound out. I also get nervous doing it when someone else is home, and especially if they have work meetings on zoom like my parent did at the same time. Hopefully, I didn't disrupt it too much. Although, she didn't say anything. 

Had the radical hysterectomy on July 24th. I wasn't expecting it to be so soon after seeing the surgeon. They took out pretty much everything in there. It was done by a robot. Only did 4 small incisions. Biggest one was in my belly button. I actually can't see that one. It was for both the light and camera. If I look in the mirror, I can see 3 of them. I think they have dissolvable stitches. Parts of them are dropping off, so I'm assuming that's normal. No one's said anything about taking them out. 

I did stay the night at the hospital. It wasn't really connected to the hospital, but apart of the surgical building. The room looked like a cramped storage closet, and I wasn't too happy about it. As they wheeled me into it, I had horrible leg cramps. In order to keep those to a minimum, I tried to have the bed turn into a chair as much as possible. I think that helped. The nurse was nice, but a little too talkative. The food wasn't great. I know some people have told me that anesthesia can affect the taste of things, but I could tell and I don't think it was reacting in that way. The TV was on almost the entire time, and it seemed like an ambiance channel. At night, it was going through space, and during the day it showed things like waterfalls, horses, rocks, mountains, etc. Nice to look at occasionally. 

I also had issues with it being a Catholic hospital. Almost all the hospitals near me are Catholic, which scares me. I don't really have a choice in it. I'd prefer one not affiliated with any religion, but especially not with that one. They can turn away LGBTQ+ people, for one thing. Prayers over the intercom every so often is isolating (not sure if that's the right word...) and unwelcoming. There are a lot of other reasons why it's scary to me. Even with me just being Jewish. 

They kept me up most of the night. They wanted me up and walking almost immediately. I didn't know they'd put a catheter in. It was my first time having one. The nurse said it wouldn't hurt when she was about to take it out. It did hurt. It also hurt to go to the bathroom for a little while after that. I didn't like that none of the people that did the surgery told me anything afterwards. One of them was going to early the next morning, but I finally was asleep and he didn't want to wake me. I would have been more than fine to be woken up for that. More so than the blood draws they kept doing. They told my parent at least, but I like hearing it from the actual people, too. I was discharged from the hospital earlier than expected. The morning after. I don't think it was the best time. 

I had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon's nurse a couple of weeks later. She told me more in-depth stuff. They didn't see any lesions or signs of the cancer in what they took out. I still don't know if the cancer they found in the vulvar biopsy is related to the skin, vulva specifically, or reproductive tract. I might ask my gynecologist that soon. Good to know it hadn't affected further up my reproductive tract. They were worried they'd find lesions that would make it difficult to basically scoop that stuff out. That they'd be fused to certain parts. Since it wasn't, it made it more simple. Still, it was a 3-hour surgery. 

I had really horrible constipation and swelling in my feet and ankles after. I thought I'd never clear the constipation, and what finally did help was a suppository. I'm not used to them, and was reluctant to try it. Still have issues with it, but it's much better. I'm now taking 3 stool softener pills 3 times a day (up from 2 pills 3 times a day), which again has helped. 

The swelling seemed even scarier. My feet were huge. Couldn't even fit into my slippers. Socks wouldn't fit either. So, I ended up feeling really cold, and that made the pain worse. It was like a sunburn type of pain. They were so swollen, they changed shape. Looked like I bound my feet, huge arches, toes sticking straight out, almost transparent on top, birthmarks moved and stretched, etc. It was bad. Could barely walk or stand up. Eventually, I tried a diuretic. It worked well, but slowly. Now my feet look pretty much back to normal, but my left ankle is still pretty swollen. Right ankle isn't as bad, but still has some. I can fit into my socks and shoes now. Yay! So much better. The nurse I talked to said it's normal to have constipation and swelling after surgery like that. They pump you full of fluids during the procedure, and that can get stuck in your system. Also, they worked near the lymphatic system. They didn't touch it, but it still can get irritated and cause swelling. That kind of swelling has to convert itself from lymphatic fluid to water and blood, which takes a while. Thus, probably why my ankles are taking so long to get back to normal. This makes me nervous for future surgeries. We'll be more prepared, though. I might have top surgery next. I would have thought they'd want to do that first, because the cancer started there. Maybe this was easier to do. 

I decided to join 3 metastatic breast cancer Facebook groups. I was reluctant to for a while. I wanted ones that were specifically for mbc, not just the bc. There's kind of a rift and different attitudes between them. One of the groups is a 45 years old and under group. Only saw one that was like that. So many groups have people that are much older. It can be harder to relate. I already get the 'you're too young to have that' thing. I can't help it. Not that I wanted this. It's a different perspective with my age group. I was surprised by the responses from all 3 groups with my intro post. I'm still getting reactions and comments from the biggest one. That has over 100 reactions. First time I've had that many on a post. Also, made 3 fb friends through those groups. All of them live near me. Yay! Maybe I can meet them someday. 

I was a bit reluctant to join these groups mainly because I thought it'd be too depressing or something. I've liked seeing how some people have lived with it for many years, though. Some have had it for 20 years, and that gives a little hope that maybe I can live for a while with this. The statistics aren't great for how long people can live with it. 27% are likely to live 5 years after diagnosis. 11% after 10 years. With that, it's a bit disconcerting. I want to live for as long as I can. Certainly longer than 10 years from now. Again, that's why it's been nice to see so many people mention in these groups that they've lived much longer than 10 years with it. They also say those stats are old. Medicine has really advanced since then, so the stats might be better now. The other side is you have to be continuously going through some occasionally tough treatment in order to survive. It's difficult. Everyone's case is different, too. Not all of us have the same type of breast cancer, same areas where it's spread, if it's hormone based, etc. Lots of factors come into play. I like that it's being treated more like a chronic illness. It's a little easier to deal with that way. 

Tomorrow, I have my eye exam. Haven't had one in around 2 years. My current prescription for contacts certainly isn't the right one. Things don't show up totally clear. Lines blur into each other sometimes. This will be the first time I went to Costco for the exam itself. We normally would go to Sears Optical, but they're not there anymore. Hopefully, they're good there. I'm actually covered as a dependent for vision this time. Haven't been covered for that for over a decade. That should be good. I can order the new prescription while I'm there, too. I've read that cancer can affect the eyes, so hopefully mine hasn't been messed with too much. Hopefully, they'll have samples of the new prescription I can use while I wait for the ones I order. 

I might also have a blood draw after that. My oncology pharmacist wants to run some labs after every 2nd week of a cycle of Ibrance. They have to make sure things are ok before agreeing to the next cycle of it. I'm supposed to take it for 3 weeks, then go off of it for a week. Then, start it over. I have to have a phone appointment either with her or the specialty pharmacy before every cycle of it. It'll be interesting to see how things are. 

My oncologist is still reluctant to start me on zometa. Zometa is a bone-strengthening infusion. I've read that you go to an infusion clinic every couple of months, and sit there with it going through an IV for 15 minutes. Pretty quick. My oncologist is worried I'll catch covid while I'm there. So, I'm being denied it because of the virus. I really need something like that. 

He also wants me to get a full bone scan. That way we can compare it to the one back in April. I hope it's improved since then. Not sure what will happen if it's worse. 

He wants me to switch to arimidex instead of tamoxifen soon. I decided to switch when I run out of the tamoxifen. I have the arimidex already, but I think it can wait. Both are kind of like supplements to Ibrance. They work with hormones, so they're good for people who are hormone positive. I'm positive for all 3 hormones. Arimidex is usually suggested after people have had hysterectomies or are going through menopause. It's supposed to be stronger, too. I'm nervous about that. I've got maybe another week or 2 before I finish the tamoxifen. 

I decided to cancel the My Thrill Club monthly subscription box. It's the one where they give you 2 hard cover books that are in the horror, mystery, and/or thriller genres each month. I got the surprise me one. They give you a mix with that one. I love those genres. Anyways, the books are super thick. I thought I could challenge myself with reading both books within each month, and starting again with the next batch. Since my contacts aren't great right now, it's hard to read for a certain amount of time. I couldn't keep up. I already have 4 books from them, and only have read about 1/4 of one of them. They've already shipped another 2, so I'll have 6 soon. Too much. Fallen too far behind to start up my challenge again. Even if I get a much better prescription soon. At least, I'll be able to read more. I think with 6 of them, I could rotate them each day. I was going to slog through one book at a time, but it might be more interesting to switch it up like that. Each day would be a different book. I want to read all 4 so far, because they sound really interesting. The Gold Rush fantasy type one looks almost as thick as a dictionary, though...That'll probably take a while. I didn't particularly care for the sex scene in the one I've been reading, but the rest of it is interesting. I want to know what actually happened to that missing friend of the main character. There's also a Sherlock Holmes book by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. That should be fun. The last one seems like a horror one about a possessed typewriter, I think. Intriguing stuff. I don't know what the next 2 will be yet. I could start it up again after I read all 6 books. That'll take me a while, though. I want it to take me some time. Good way to preoccupy myself. 

I found another monthly subscription thing to replace it for now. It's called Arts in Letters. You get letters from famous artists, scientists, musicians, etc. in the past. They're real letters in their handwriting. They come with info on the person and what was going on at the time and around them. Very interesting and fun sounding. I can read letters and the info quickly, so I thought that would be best to replace it. You get a letter a week, which seems more fun than one thing once a month. There's another one that interested me that I could try in the future called Matter. With that one, it's an adult science-based thing. You get artifacts like animal bones and they go in depth with info on everything. I like that sort of thing. Maybe if I get tired of the letters or Try Treats. 

This month's Try Treats is on Ireland. I feel like they cheapened this one. I get the premium version, which is supposed to have 10 or more snacks. Ended up with around 7 of them. The standard is 5 or more. Plus, 2 of them are Japanese. They were actually stuffed on top of the tissue paper that held the Irish stuff inside. Weird. Maybe they don't think there are many good Irish snacks? Sad. The recipe this time was Irish coddle. Sounded good, and I can turn it 'kosher', so I can eat it if I wanted to. I can look for beef or turkey sausage, and same with the bacon. I tried the 2 potato chips. They were the same flavor (cheese and onion), just different brands. Tasted pretty much the same. I prefer kettle chips, but they were better than our regular chips. They seemed denser and slightly thicker. Mostly tasted the onion for both. There's a candy bar by Cadbury. I've had Cadbury chocolates before and liked them, so it's probably good, too. There's a huge thing of custard sandwich cookies. Those look interesting. There's a bag called twiglets. Don't know much about those. Both Japanese things are sweet and sour candies. One sounds like pop rocks, the other almost like long flat taffy. Both are cola flavored. I like sweet and sour things, so they might be really good. 

The downstairs' toilet is off limits again. After my parent did an enzyme thing with it, it was fine for a while. That toilet has always had issues. It overflows super easily. At some point, we really need to have a plumber look at it. In the meantime, I'm stuck with going up and down the stairs to use my bathroom toilet. That's a falling hazard. Not good when you feel like your bones are made of glass. I can easily break them. My toilet upstairs is great, and works well, but the stairs make it dangerous. I still do all my other bathroom stuff (brush my teeth, take out and put in contacts, etc.) downstairs. I almost feel like I'm camping down there. I still sleep on the hospital bed in the living room, instead of my room upstairs. I might not ever be able to sleep in my actual room again.  

12th of Shevat

This is my wallpaper for February. It's Allen, the main character, from D.Gray-man. Kind of fits my mood for Valentine's Day. A lot of the month is set up around it, especially at places like grocery stores or in commercials. It promotes amatonormativity, which can hurt everyone, not just aromantic people. It's the assumption that everyone's striving for a romantic partner, it's central (most important relationship), exclusive, monogamous, and part of what makes us human. It ignores little known relationship types, like queerplatonic ones. I would really like to be in one in the future. Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week starts a week after the holiday, so that's something to look forward to. It's perfect timing. 

Tu B'Shevat is coming up Sunday night. That's our new year for the trees. One of my fave holidays. You get to eat a lot of fruit and nuts (not so much for me, since it's a trigger food), appreciate trees, and more. 

The month-long holidays for February are: National Canned Food Month, National Cherry Month, National Potato Lovers Month, Barley Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. Cherries and potatoes are a couple of my fave foods! 

I created an author Instagram account: R C MacDonald I've been basically testing the waters this week. Wasn't sure exactly how I wanted it. It's a mix of topics from my books (fantasy, horror, LGBTQ+, Judaism, cooking, etc.), a little on my personal life, and my book stuff. I might just change the 2nd sentence of my bio to: A writer's world. Not as clunky...My book stuff will be things like a stack of my books, quotes from them, book trailers, author business card, etc. 

The things I didn't create will be from Pinterest and facebook mainly. Of course, I'm crediting them. I'm finding a lot of interesting things on Pinterest for the 'fantasy' part. Beautiful art relating to 'demons' in Alliance. Of dragons, phoenixes, griffins, wraiths, cat demons, etc. Nice eye candy, but when I post them, I'll also give info on characters from the story. For instance, info on Gun with the dragon pics. Or, on Zero with the phoenix ones. That way people get to know the series more. I have plenty of stuff for my colitis, LGBTQ+ stuff, food, some for horror, lots of animals, music/clarinet, and some quotes from other people on boards on Pinterest. Quite a lot of material. 

I've decided it might be easiest to set a theme every day. This is what I think might be best: Monday for fantasy or writing in general. Tuesday for LGBTQ+ things. Wednesday for horror or chronic illness. (They seem to go together pretty well, oddly...) Thursday for cooking. Friday for Judaism. Saturday for animals or more Judaism. Sunday for music. This will change during holidays or awareness weeks. During those, I could post about them. Like, with Tu B'Shevat, I'll post on that during it. Aro stuff during the week of Aromantic Spectrum Awareness week. It might switch up when I have something to share of my books or personal life, too. People will expect certain content most of the time, which should be a draw for some. 

I was posting once a day this week, but I think I'll try posting twice a day next week. Probably one in the morning/early afternoon and one at night. Except, I'll only post once on Saturdays, after Shabbos ends. The 2nd post on Friday will be a little earlier than the rest of the week, too. I think I can have quite a lot of fun with this, and not have to do a lot for it. It'll be a view not only into my books, but my personality and identity. 

I'm posting the same stuff to my author fb page. That might have added things occasionally. Today, I liked many pages as my page. (Fave pages that I already liked on my personal one.) Wanted to see what that would be like. It might be a way for people to get more info on things, as well. Things like Judaism, LGBTQ+ people, IBD, etc. My page could become a resource with that. I couldn't like pages as a page on my phone, which was weird. 

I've been searching for quotes from Alliance, as well as settings/building descriptions. Found quite a lot for the descriptions, and more than I thought I would for quotes. Plan to fill out author interview questions on Smashwords at some point. Really want to start a vlog, too. That would help with more exposure. 

Ordered author copies of all 5 paperback versions of my books from Amazon. I thought it would be much more expensive. With shipping and handling, taxes, and printing/manufacturing costs together it's $26. For 5 books, that's nothing. Just with the printing part, they ranged around $3 to $4 each. I thought that part would be more. Very interesting. I should get it Tuesday at the earliest. They make them as soon as you buy them, so it takes a little time to put them together. I'm ok with that. I'm excited about actually being able to touch and hold them. They're like my babies. I do have a print out of the very 1st rough draft of Alliance. I don't think it was all of it. Having that is very different than an edited (without marks all over it) and finished actual book. 

My memoir, More Than Meets the Eye, is now on Smashwords. It won't be released until the 28th, but it is on preorder. It was approved for their Premium Catalog unusually quickly. I got the 1st approval in about the first few minutes. That's the auto vetter part, where they automatically check the formatting. The 2nd approval is manual and takes a few days for authors who've previously submitted works, and about 2 weeks for new ones. I submitted it yesterday afternoon, and was fully approved early this morning. Probably the fastest approval for one of my books. The only thing I didn't like was they only had a Gay & Lesbian category, not an LGBTQ+ one. Not even a trans one, if they were just split up. Since I'm neither gay nor lesbian, it feels really weird to put it under that. It ignores other people in the community, too. Yet, I did see some authors using it for books relating to other parts of the community. I at least tagged it as LGBTQ. Also, tagged it as agender, asexual, and aromantic. There were very few books under the agender tag, and they were fictional. Similar with aromantic. That might make it easier for people to find. I already have the most page views for its 1st day compared to my other books. There have been 4 sample downloads, too. 

Got tired of playing Oblivion. It really got boring. I don't use that word lightly. The scenery was great, though. So, I've been trying various games on PS4 Now to find something to stick to. The most interesting one so far has been G-d of War 3: Remastered. It's based on a lot of Greek mythology, which is fun to me. Your character is Kratos, and he is seeking revenge against Zeus. The cinematography is really great. Feel like it's a movie even when it's not a cut scene. There are a lot of puzzles in it, which surprised me (especially with the type of game it is), but that adds another interesting layer. First game I played where you get trophies. That's fun. Got one for killing Poseidon. That was pretty epic. Made the seas rise. Also one for incinerating Apollo. I thought they wanted me to save him, but there wasn't a way to do so. He was imprisoned in part of Hades, near the River Styx. The bramble around him made it look like a prison cell. I managed to ride Cerberus and have him spit fire balls. I thought he would only set fire to the brambles, so I could free Apollo. No...The fire immediately engulfed him, and didn't hit the brambles much. It was pretty horrific to watch him. At least, I got his bow and arrows. I can set things on fire with that. I'm trying to defeat Hades at the moment. I don't think I've actually seen him yet. Just a statue, and his wife Persephone in a casket hanging in front of it. There are also notes written by people that were sent there, people praying to seemingly nothing, and a giant in the forge area. Apparently that giant is a friend of Kratos, but is stuck there. I don't remember his name. Interesting details. At some point, I might play Red Dead Redemption 2. It's the prequel to that franchise. My parent really likes that game, and it sounds detailed and fun.

I've decided to stop the Duolingo Scottish Gaelic course. I'm really tired of it, and there's not much content. Half of the units have been leveled out completely, the other half all have the 1st level cleared. Not bad. I'm thinking of starting either Polish or Welsh on Monday. 

I've been having some bad pain days lately. The type of pain I know that's associated with colitis. It feels like part of my intestines blew up on my left side. It's somewhat hard there. Maybe it's from inflammation? My back and other areas of my abdomen feel really sore. Hopefully, it just needs to heal for now. Going to the bathroom a lot more often again, too. It's better than having a lot of that other stuff, on top of it, before I tapered off of Lialda. Still difficult, though.

National Hot Chocolate Day!

I love hot chocolate! It's a decadent treat when it's really cold and/or windy out. It's nice with mini marshmallows. Not long ago, I decided to add enough whipped cream on top of the marshmallows to fill it to the brim. It was amazing! The whipped cream and marshmallows cooled it down enough to drink it as soon as I wanted to. Not much of a wait. I tend to wait until things are at or close to room temperature. (Mainly because cold or hot food hurts my teeth.) Plus, it made it even more decadent. 

I decided for Duolingo's Scottish Gaelic course to not force myself to the next league. It's really competitive. I might add some time before going to bed next week, but I don't think I'll earn enough xp to get to the next league, even with that. Sad. I'm still breezing through the course. Made it to level 4 of Phrases 3. Getting less things wrong. I tend to get it wrong when I forget a letter, or a word that I had in my head but didn't type out. That's pretty good. 

Still doing something related to promoting my books every day. Had a free book one for my memoir on Amazon. It finished at #2 in the LGBTQ+ memoirs/biography top 100 best sellers free kindle section. Not sure how many LGBTQ+ related ones are on there, and free at that, but it was great to see. It was ranked #35 in the general memoir/biography free kindle section. That seems even better, considering I think there are a lot more ones in general. 'Sold' more than I thought I would, too. Yay! I'm just nervous about haters reviewing it, or even finding me. Also, created a facebook page for it. 

My cookbook's ebook is having a countdown deal, at the moment, on Amazon. Soon, there will be a UK one. That one hasn't been as great. Sold one copy, at least. 

Updated my facebook author page, and a bunch of the book pages on there. I'm going to create an author Instagram page soon. I looked up ideas/tips for it, and there's so much I can do. I think I'll link up that one to the fb one, so I don't have to post twice. I do have more ideas for the fb one itself now, too. 

For Instagram, it'll follow themes/genres of my books (like food, horror, whimsy/fantasy, animals, LGBTQ+, etc.), my own pics to give people a view of my world, and stuff about my books specifically. Sounds like it'll be fun. I have a ton of things I can share from Pinterest to it. I'll of course credit anything that I didn't create. They suggested I post something on there at least once a day. That can be easy to do. I'll post book trailers, cover art, quotes, etc. on there, too. Just won't be as often as the other stuff. Some authors really show off their personality on there. Added stuff with fb could be sharing things from there related to my books. Like, memes. Maybe specific ones for each book, and could share posts from pages that those books 'like'. I'll post trailers to Youtube, as well. Pinterest might be good for sharing pics of things I've made from the cookbook. I might create a twitter author profile, too. I can share things from various other posts on there. Not sure about Tumblr. 

Another suggestion was to take pics of stacks of books. For some, that's what they've finished for the year or other amount of time. For others, it's of their own books. Many of them are simple with just showing the books stacked, but others add things related to the themes in them. Like, a skull, fake coins, and fake jewelry on top and/or around it for a pirate series I saw. That's fun. I want to do something like that. Maybe only have the stack...I never ordered the author versions of my books. I want to for other reasons, too. For instance, having the paperback of the cookbook will be better than using the photo album full of recipes it was based on. You can see it better, it's not as clunky, and more. For authors, the price is how much it is to print/make and tax. Cheaper than regular price. I've read some people buy hundreds of (author) copies of their books for things like book signings and giveaways. That seems like a lot of money, however I now have an idea of how other authors might do that. Wouldn't be able to do something like that unless they really picked up. 

I'm going through Alliance again. I'm searching for quotes to share, and setting/building descriptions. With the descriptions, I might draw them out. Maybe I'll use those for the background of its book trailers. It's either using those, or old nature pics I've taken, or free fantasy stock pics online. I'd really prefer something I've made, rather than other people's pics. I'm finding more quotes than I thought I would. I'll do the same 2 things with the sequel. For Sweet Endless Terror's trailers, I think I'll have a description of each story, drawings relating to them (like a heart, knife, ribbon, planets, etc.), and/or maybe a few quotes from each. I can share those parts separately on Instagram, too. I could explain certain terms in the memoir trailer. I'll have pics of what I made for the cookbook one, and the name of the dish. Maybe describe it. I saw something about a site that has free music you can use for vids. (They're legal, and the artists made those tracks to be free to use.) So, there's lots to do for all of them. If I start a vlog on Youtube, that could help, too. 

The mysterious symptoms I've been experiencing since February are getting better. Yay! So, the tapering off of Lialda seems to be helping. However...My colitis symptoms are worsening. More trips to the bathroom, awful abdominal pain, horrible nausea, and more. It's better than having the other stuff as it was before on top of that. It's still difficult to go through. Hopefully, it won't get too severe with the colitis symptoms. 

Youtube:

Boku no (My) Hero Academia:

One Piece:

Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun (Toilet-bound Hanako-kun):

27th of Tevet

For Duolingo's Scottish Gaelic course, I finished all levels of the Colours unit, and started the 2nd level of the Home one. This is the last unit before the 2nd checkpoint. There are only 2 more sections. Ended up at 9th place in the Obsidian League today. Hopefully, I can stay in the top ten by Sunday. 

Yesterday, I updated the description for Alliance's facebook page, made a post about it being on Smashwords again, completely revised, and being free on there. (Here's its facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/alliancebooks/) I changed the name of it today, and posted about Alliance: Dawn, too. It was a page just for Alliance (first book), but I'm turning it into one page for the whole series. Good to have everything in one place. 

I'm trying to do a little of promoting/getting the word out every day. I have a lot of ideas, which seems like it'll be overwhelming. If I do little chunks every day, it won't feel like that as much.  

Today, I also republished, updated, and posted to both Sweet Endless Terror and My Mother's Treasure Trove of Recipes' facebook pages. Here's Sweet Endless Terror, and here's My Mother's Treasure Trove of Recipes. I think I might create a new author page, considering I don't like my current one, and I want to start 'fresh' with that. I still need to make one for More Than Meets the Eye. I also read that another way to get pages noticed is by having your page 'like' another page. That actually sounds fun. I could base it on what the books are about. For example, the cookbook page can like food, cookbook, cooking, etc. related pages. Sweet Endless Terror could like horror stuff. Seems like they can take on their own personalities, which is an interesting concept. 

After I get through all that, I'll make an author account on Instagram, and another on Twitter. Not sure if I'll make separate ones for the books on there. Seems like a hassle. However, I can see making one for the cookbook on those. Maybe one on Pinterest for that, too. I plan to make and share some of the dishes from it. I think a good way to promote that is to let people know what some of it will look like. 

After doing those things on fb, I checked the pageviews on Smashwords. A couple of them really got a boost right away. Very interesting. The more people that see it, the more likely they might buy it. 

My memoir's free promo on Amazon started yesterday. 4 people 'bought' it. That's more than I thought I'd get the first day. None today so far. It's ranked as #12 in the Gay & Lesbian Biographies & Memoirs section. Odd that they don't have an LGBTQ+ one, and cram everyone into that. I'm not gay or lesbian...Pretty cool they ranked that high, though. It's #158 in the Kindle Store's (ebook) Memoirs. That's interesting. Might be interesting to see what happens after I make a page for it on fb.

I just realized, this morning, that many of the symptoms I've been experiencing since February may be side effects of the Lialda. No one has been monitoring me with that. I have a feeling it's changed, my body's rejected it, or something. The side effects I found online line up with a lot of my mystery symptoms. Myalgia (muscle pain), joint pain, hair loss, malaise, sneezing a lot, feeling weak, swelling in hands, severe back pain, and more. It makes too much sense, and I'm wondering why no one (doctors) suggested that some of this could be the Lialda, and looked into it. I've been taking a half dose since Tuesday. The back and muscle pain seem to be getting a little better. I'm wondering if I should just taper off, like I'm doing, and then stop taking it. Not get the next refill. I'd rather have the possibility of having a flare (not sure if I'm in one or not), than feel those other symptoms. Those symptoms combined have been hell. I still suspect a couple of my symptoms are actually related to another autoimmune disease. (I did test positive for that.) Having the other symptoms cleared up might help with pinpointing it in the future. 

Youtube: 

Fairy Tail:

Boku no (My) Hero Academia:



Dr. Stone:

One Piece:




Kimetsu no Yaiba (Demon Slayer):

Tsuritama (lit. Fishing Ball. Kind of miss this anime. It was so trippy. Not sure if I like the ending song/part of this amv, but the rest of it's good):

Magi (this makes me want to watch more of the series. I think I only watched the 1st season a while ago, and one or two episodes of the 2nd season.):

3rd of Elul

This is my wallpaper for September. It's Tanjirou from Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba (Demon-Slaying Blade). I've been really amazed by this anime. Wasn't expecting much. The animation has been top-notch (just looking at the water scenes, it looks so real, which is difficult to pull off), music is haunting at times, the characters are well developed, epic fight scenes, and the plot is interesting. I wasn't expecting much because it's essentially a zombie anime. There's so much more to it, though. It takes place in the Taisho period, which is 1912-1926. So, more 'modern' than some of the other anime I've watched that are historically based. I like the idea that Tanjirou only joined the Demon Slayers to cure his sister, Nezuko, of being a demon. The demons in the story more closely resemble zombies in that they eat people and were once human themselves. They still have a sense of self, intelligence, and magical abilities. Scarier this way. Nezuko seems to be one of the first demons that hasn't eaten a single human. Instead, she gathers energy by sleeping. She was kind of tricked into thinking all humans are family and to protect them at all costs. She's incredibly strong, even for a demon. She's also cute. Tanjirou is kindhearted and a huge empath. He feels for most of the demons he defeats.  

The month-long holidays for September are: National Biscuit Month, National Breakfast Month, National Honey Month, National Potato Month, National Rice Month, National Cheese Month, National Piano Month, Pain Awareness Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. Quite a lot this month. 

The month of Elul ends with Rosh Hashanah or our New Year. It's also the start of the High Holy Days, which ends with Yom Kippur or the Day of Atonement. The HHDs last for 10 days. RH and YK are the most important holidays on the Jewish calendar. Many people 'prepare' the month before. One of the customs I follow (as did my mom) is blowing the shofar (ram's horn) every morning throughout most of the month. We refrain from it on Shabbos (which is every Friday night until Saturday night). I sometimes forget to do it until a few days into the month, like this year. Hopefully, I'll remember tomorrow and the rest of the month...It can be fun. It's supposed to wake us up spiritually. 

The elements calendar features arsenic this time. The main pic's of pure arsenic metal granules. The one next to it is of a type of arsenic treated wood. Another pic's of an old tin of arsenic. The last pic's of Paris Green, which is useful in pigments and rat poison. Scary one for this month.

Recently 2 groups on fb shared the same post. One in an ace group, and the other in a non-binary one. It was an 'adding' game where you state your age and post a selfie, then friend whoever interacts with it. I almost didn't respond to either posts, thinking it was just a popularity contest. However, it was a good way to let others know it was ok to friend them. Some people might not want to for many reasons. Also, a great way to connect with other LGBTQ+ people on there. So, I did eventually post in both of them. I gained 25 friends through that over the weekend. I think that's the most I've had in such a short time. Also, overall, I'm up to the most friends I've had on my list at once there. They all seem like cool and interesting people. 

We did our big monthly grocery shopping yesterday. We normally go to Costco, but it was closed for Labor Day. So, we went to Trader Joe's. I think I only found one thing there: olive hummus. Haven't had hummus in a very long time. I like making hummus and cheese sandwiches. They're refreshing, tasty, and full of protein. The olive one is one of the best. They also had chocolate hummus. That sounds nasty. I did read an article about it, and the author was surprised by how great it was. I don't know...

We also went to a local bakery. I love their Norwegian brown bread, and I usually get it sliced. Turns out that the ones that were available were frozen. They can't cut it until it thaws enough. Last time that happened it took like 3 hours. I didn't want to go through that again. On the other hand, it is getting harder to cut things, so it makes it even more difficult than before for me. I also got a maple doughboy. It's one of the things they're known for. It's huge! It's like a gingerbread man, only in donut form. This one had maple frosting. The other version is glazed. 

There's a smoked goods shop right next to it. They have smoked salmon, smoked nuts, smoked cheeses, jams, spices, and other snack-like things. I got smoked cheddar (one of my faves) and blueberry jam. I don't think I had their blueberry jam before. Too many seeds can be a trigger for my gut. So, I thought a jam with either very few/none or really small seeds would be best. I still like to have it. I think the blueberry one follows that. 

Went to World Market after that. Found quite a lot of things this time. Got my fave pickled red cabbage and apple salad, an artichoke pasta sauce, dill pickle mustard, pumpkin spice pancake mix (I still have a little of their banana and caramel pancake mix, and it's easy and delicious), pumpkin spice yogurt pretzels, and a few other things. 

Went to a local market for dinner yesterday. I just grabbed what I could eat at the salad bar. I'm trying to be better about avoiding trigger foods, and eating more protein. I need more protein than most healthy people, since I tend to have issues with absorbing it. It's hard for me to even get over half of what's considered the normal range for healthy people. Since I have to stay away from most raw vegetables, I steered clear of most of the greens like lettuce and spinach. Making it not really look like a 'healthy' salad. Shredded carrots seem to be ok, as well as a few cherry tomatoes. They had turkey, hard-boiled eggs, olives, and various other types of salads like potato salad and orzo salad. Didn't turn out as much as I expected, but it was ok. 

At Safeway, I found another mug cake mix thing. This time it's a chocolate chip cookie with chocolate frosting from the same company that did the cinnamon roll one. Should be interesting. Since it's so many calories and sugar, I'm saving it for my treat days. They also had a 12-pack of their rainbow chip (like M&Ms) cookies that were cheap. I got the small packs of 2 in the past. They're really good. It will last me a while. I pretty much have my desserts set for the next couple of weeks at least. Yay!

Went out to Costco today. Realized later that we got a lot of protein-packed things. I'm going to try 2 more different types of jerky. One's teriyaki beef and the other is beef steak. They actually have decent amounts to a bag there. 

I decided a couple of days ago to count the lumps I have at the moment. I've thought for a while that it was just around 5 of them and no big deal, but never counted them until then. There are over 30 of them! Most are in my hands. There's one big one in my neck, another in between my right eye and nose, another on a toe, and another in the crook of my left elbow. Some are soft, but a lot of them are hardening. Some seem to be growing so much they might burst through the surface. The hard ones in my hands feel weird when I grip things. Whatever I'm holding feels bumpy or uneven, even if it's smooth and straight. Some of the bumps are getting so big, I can see them just from looking at the sides of my fingers. I wonder if they're calcium deposits? I hope not. At least most of the time they're not painful. I see my primary in the middle of this month. Maybe she'll order imaging on at least my hands. I'll see my rheumatologist at the end of that week. He'll probably be able to help a lot more.

Both arms are still hurting a lot. I tried Tylenol PM last night, because the pain was also keeping me from sleeping, and I felt I needed to try something for it. The problem is so many sleep aids can mess with my mental health stuff, and so many can affect my colitis, possibly setting off a flare. That eliminates many right there. The only painkiller my primary will let me have is Tylenol, and I've been told by GIs that NSAIDs can cause flares or make it worse. I looked it up online, and Tylenol PM seems to be the safest for people with IBD in general. It basically has Benadryl and extra strength Tylenol. Benadryl's usually safe for the mental health part, too. I think I got a little more sleep. It was mostly calming. So, even when I was awake in bed, I was more relaxed. That's nicer than without. I guess I'll see how it goes after a few nights. 

I pinned a sausage and hash browns slow-cooker recipe a while back on Pinterest onto one of my boards. I think I mentioned it on here after I made it. I was the first to share a pic of it. I did not create the pin. However, a ton of people have been repinning it from me. Around 200! It's like every hour or so I get a notification on it. Kind of annoying. I've never had that happen before. Sure, a handful of people repin my pins normally, but this is very different. It doesn't even look that great. It tasted amazing, though!

Despite not going back to my Dutch this weekend (including Monday) on Duolingo, I was promoted to the Sapphire League today. That shocked me. How could I still be in the top 10 by the end of that week? I finished the Kitchen unit, and am close to finishing the Materials one. 

Managed to draw a rough outline of Junko's legs. Took a little while to figure how I wanted to position them. Edited more of Alliance. I'm into chapter 4 now. Went through 6 pages of the ebook, and 8 pages of the print. That's more than I was doing each day last week. Maybe I'll get to a lot more this time. It's flowing a lot better now. 

15th of Av

Tried that new cinnamon roll mug cake that I mentioned last night. I think it was the best mug cake I've had. The instructions were really simple. Pour cake mix into a mug, add water or milk (I used milk), mix well, heat up in the microwave for about a minute, add icing on top, and let it sit for a couple of minutes before eating. There was a lot of icing, it wasn't too sweet, tons of cinnamon, and very fluffy. I read reviews on it saying things like the icing is too thick and comes out in a lump. Mine didn't do that. It was thick, but I could squeeze it out evenly over the cake. There are many other flavors that sound really good, too. They all have a topping of some sort. Makes it a little more fun. Might be nice to try the others in the future. 

Someone posted a problematic meme in an enby fb group. Over a character with a chest binder it read: some boys were born girls. Another character had a wig in their hand and over them it read: some girls were born boys. This is actually transphobic and as some people worded it, bioessentialist. The op said it was supposed to be positive and it was just other people's opinions when we called them out on it. No, it's not. We've always been what our genders are. We weren't born a different gender. Some doctor interpreted our genitals to be a certain way, which is harmful in many ways. Male and female are still gendered terms. What people really mean when they ask for the sex of someone is what genitals they have. I have an agender body, since it's mine. It's not female. I was assigned that. It also comes across as trans people are just pretending. Many people don't like to use terms like mtf (male to female) or ftm (female to male) any more, either. Afab (assigned female at birth) or amab (assigned male at birth) are much more accurate and validating. You already are female or male, in these examples. The doctor just assigned you the wrong gender. Some enby people were starting to use mtx or ftx for a little while, but also realized how problematic that was. X being used for the non-binary umbrella in general. X is also being used as a new gender marker, like f or m, for IDs. Wish it was nationwide. I personally would use afab agender person. In relation to the meme, the text probably should be: some boys were assigned female at birth (or shorten to afab), some girls were assigned male at birth (or amab). It's also a little weird in an enby group. None of us, unless they're allies (there aren't many in that one for many reasons), are strictly and entirely men or women all the time. That's the umbrella definition. That's inclusive of people who have genders that are fluid and might sometimes be men or women, as well as demigenders where they might be partially a binary gender. Some people are bigender and might be both a man and woman at the same time. There are others. Why have such a binary meme in a group like that? 

In one of the IBD groups on there, someone posted graphic pics in their main post. In the rules it clearly states that you should describe what it's about, to warn people, then post them in the comments. (Obviously has to be related to Crohn's, UC, lesser known ones in some way.) That way people don't have to be confronted with that right away. Some people are genuinely triggered by it, some might be eating, some might not be in a good place (in public) to see it, etc. Many reasons behind it. So, a lot of people reported it. Then, he made a really angry post about how if you can't handle those pics, maybe you shouldn't be in the group. I saw the post with the pics in it briefly, but didn't have the stomach to really focus on what it was. Then, I saw his other post, and it was pretty toxic. People tried to reason with him, but he thought they were being immature. I didn't really see an admin or mod step in, but both posts were deleted. I'm wondering if he was talked to in a pm, and then booted out of the group? That's probably for the best. Although, people do need support with this sort of thing, and it can really get to them. Might be why he lashed out. I hope he still gets some sort of support, but also realizes why it was such an issue. That's tough.

I've noticed that the lump in my neck has been growing in size. The other side of my neck doesn't have a lump, which is good and gives me a way to compare. Lumps near knuckles are getting slightly bigger, too. I feel like something is growing in the left side of my abdomen. I mentioned in the past where that area felt kind of like a balloon moving around and was painful. Worried me enough to email my primary about it. It now feels more solid/fuller and bigger. It only hurts when I twist that area, but it does feel uncomfortable the rest of the time. At least I get to see my primary in a little less than 2 weeks.

I'm hoping I can get to more of my usual things next week. It was a little difficult with the heat and getting to other things that needed to be done. On Monday, some people are going to help put up the new TV. The replacement finally came. It's a much bigger and more advanced TV than our current one. That will be cool. Next Friday, I get to have my hair dyed. Can't wait! 

Youtube:

Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler): Book of the Atlantic:




Ansatsu Kyoushitsu (Assassination Classroom):

Tu B'Shevat

This holiday was yesterday. It means: 15th of Shevat. Tu isn't really a word, but represents 15 in Hebrew. It's similar to using Roman numerals, like I, IV, X, etc. It's also known as the New Year for the Trees. Basically a celebration of nature. People eat a lot of fruit and nuts, hike or walk, plant trees, and more. There's also a seder that some people attend. Seder lit. means order, but is often used as a ritual meal that goes in a certain order. Many people think of the Passover (or Pesach) seder when they hear it. This one originated from the Kabbalists. With the Pesach one there are 4 cups of wine or grape juice. With this one there are different shades of wine or grape juice, each one representing a season. I think a red or dark color (for juice) is for summer, adding a little white is fall, white for winter, and white with a dash of the red for spring. Each season we go through has a certain type of fruit and nut. Like, fruits eaten whole, or those with inedible exteriors but soft insides, etc. I think there are 15 in total? It's a lot. Quite an experience. I didn't have one this year. In fact, I forgot about it until late afternoon yesterday. I think I might have led a seder last year, but it was just my parent and I. My mom led them for years. Even one of the local synagogues would ask her to lead it for them. I think I still have the Haggadah (book that leads you through the order) she used. I don't think it was very good. Whenever I do it next, probably should print off a better one. 

Yesterday afternoon, I went to Starbucks. Got an iced version of their new cinnamon shortbread latte. I wasn't expecting much, but I like to try new things. It was full of cinnamon and nutmeg, which was nice. Not much else to it, though.

Went through a lot of fb while I was there. I sometimes go through the comments of posts related to Jews and the LGBTQ+ community in general, and block all the haters so I don't have to see them again. I've probably blocked thousands of people already. I just don't want to see such negativity. It's helped a lot when I look at the comments now. Hardly see any of those, but it also shortens how many comments I see. 

Anyways, one of the posts I went through was about a non-binary drag queen who considers herself a goddess. One of the commenters was someone claiming to be a cis ally. She said in order to truly be non-binary, you can't associate yourself with the binary in any way. You can't use goddess, because it's female. She said you can't have binary pronouns either. She was saying that she was looking out for the 'real' enbies, otherwise they won't take us seriously and 'cishets' will take over our spaces. Ok...Many enbies responded with how wrong she was, and she argued with them. A cis person trying to 'protect' us from cis 'invaders', lecturing non-binary people...That's a certain kind of craziness. Non-binary means your not specifically a man or a woman. To be binary, the person's gender is static and it's a whole single gender itself. There are genderfluid people. They may switch between binary genders, multiple ones, ones that are only non-binary, etc. There are demigenders. Some people only partially feel like a man, a woman, or something else. They may feel more of a different gender. There are androgyne people. They feel like they are a little of both a man and a woman. There are bigender people. They may feel 2 genders at the same time or they switch between them. It's any 2, and some of them feel they are both a man and a woman. There are also trigender and polygender (a more controversial term they might use: pangender) people. Very similar concept as bigender for those. According to her, only the agender and neutrois (basically neutral gender. They still have one) people are valid. (She mocked some of the other completely separate non-binary genders, too.) That's really disturbing. If you support people like me, you should support everyone in our umbrella community. Non-binary doesn't equal no gender. Agender means you don't have a gender...This also reminds me of the weird thing where some 'allies' say they accept all aces except heteroromantic ones. Since they're 'basically' straight. No. They may call themselves straight ace to cut it down, but they aren't heteroromantic and heterosexual. Therefore, they're very much still apart of the LGBTQ+ community. Accept us all or no one. Many enbies use binary pronouns, either because it's easier, they like them, they don't care, they relate to their gender (hello, genderfluid/bigender people and others...), and more. They can use binary gendered terms, too. Someone outside of the community policing us on our language ain't cool. Gatekeeping inside the community isn't great either. Gender is a lot more complex than people think, and I think that's amazing. Even as someone without a gender, it's fascinating to learn about the multitude of genders out there. To me, it's also like learning more about humanity as a whole. Maybe it's my anthropology side showing. Knowing just about the binary, is only a small fraction of the human experience. 

Went to Elmer's for dinner after Starbucks. Their special this month is marionberry crepes with raspberry sauce. I got one (they normally come with 2). Ordered a salad and biscuit for sides. Normally with the combo, it comes with your choice of meat and eggs. I can only eat one of their meat options, and it's not great. I don't need more eggs than what's already in the crepe. I don't need more than one crepe, either. It was a really good one. They drizzle it with cream cheese icing and top it off with whipped cream. In a way I celebrated Tu B'Shevat with this. It was bursting with berries. Their biscuits are some of the best I've had.

I tried making an appointment to see one of the gender therapists on the list yesterday. She responded to my message much faster than expected. She said she wasn't accepting new clients, but I could see a different therapist in the same building. I hadn't brought up that I'm looking for a gender therapist in my message. Just said I wanted to make an appointment. So, she probably assumed it was for regular counseling. I looked into the other therapist online. I've heard good things about her in the past. However, with her approach in general according to what I saw, would not be for me. I'm not into the meditation, drumming, spiritual, etc. thing. It actually reminded me of naturopaths, fake hippies, those that appropriate cultural/spiritual things, or people selling 'woo'. Sent warning signals to my brain. I'll email Ashley tomorrow for another list. She did say if I needed more all I had to do was ask. She only gave me 2 options last time. It'd be interesting if I ended up with a male gender therapist. I've been hesitant about that with regular therapy and even with a primary, but I think that might just be because of bias or something. It's highly unlikely that they'd have non-binary gender therapists. That would be the best. 

This morning Rosie seemed really affectionate, and laid down on my feet. I patted her on the back and then towards her butt. She normally loves that, and seemed to get into it. Suddenly, she scratched my wrist. It was hard enough to draw blood. That doesn't happen often. She seemed guilty afterwards and ran away. With a band-aid there, it almost looks like I attempted to cut myself. I used to a little in my late teens. I've had no inclination to do it since. It looks weird to me with that in mind, though. She also tried to bite my calves when I was making my breakfast. Out of reflex and annoyance I kicked backwards into her. She felt even more guilty. She's been glued to me today more so than usual because of it, I think. She even stayed in my room when I played my clarinet. I know she sometimes enjoys it, but hasn't stayed in a while. She seemed so happy when I played, so that was nice.

Got through the Past unit for Duolingo's Italian course. Just 2 more left: Spiritual and Politics. Those should be interesting. Figured out more of how to draw Shadow's legs. I still need to mess with it more. Things are turning out better than I thought they would. After I get his legs/feet down, I'll start drawing in his clothes. Like I said, I got to practicing my clarinet today. (I'm still keeping up with doing it every day except Saturdays.) Played more klezmer tunes. Got a lot of editing done. Made it to the 12th chapter of Alliance. There are 20. It's roughly 1200 words less so far. That's a lot more than I thought it would be at this point. It is the longest book, word count wise, that I've written. 

National Bagel Day!

Bagels are great! The only issue I have with them is a normal sized one is full of calories. If it's not a treat day, I'd only allow myself half or a quarter of it. (Depends on brand, type, and what I have with it.) They're nice every once in a while. I like pretty much all of them except poppy seed. There's plain, blueberry, cinnamon and raisin, cheese, everything, onion, dill, etc. So many different flavors to choose from! I'm one of those people that isn't too fond of lox and cream cheese on mine. Maybe the lox, but no 'schmear'. Most of the time I like them plain or with a little margarine. Rarely, I might add cheese and heat it up until it melts. Doesn't need much, if anything.

Woke up a little late today. Had a hard time falling asleep, but once I finally was, I was out cold. I've decided not to beat myself up about that sort of thing, and instead embrace it. Trying to take care of my health more, and listen to my body. Maybe I needed that extra time? Maybe it's fighting something like a cold? I have a feeling I might be coming down with something. If that's true, than it definitely needs that time. I also don't want to push myself too much. That's a good way for me to become less motivated with things again. I think that's what happened in the past. In fact, doing the calendar reminder thing not long ago, ended up feeling more like a nuisance. My current way of doing things seems a lot more flexible. I don't need to spend the same amount of time on everything every day. I shortened up a lot of it today, because of that late start. Still got quite a lot done. I'm going by a to-do list like format (in Notes on my phone) and checking off things as I go. I don't have to follow the order it's in, either. Seemingly a much better way of doing things.

I've always had very sensitive teeth. I've kept up with brushing my teeth twice a day with a sensitivity toothpaste for a little over a week. I've been pretty bad with doing it daily in the past. Sometimes I would just forget. Not good when you don't see a dentist, have had gingivitis, and have sensitive teeth (they get worse). Anyways, this one also helps strengthen enamel and whitens. The whitening part is more of a side thing. One of the active ingredients acts similar to an anesthetic. Numbing and closing up the little tubules that expose nerves. They say it takes at least 2 weeks to get the full affect. I can tell it's working well so far. Things aren't hurting nearly as much when I eat, or even when I'm just in cold weather. Just feeling that cold air on my teeth used to give me searing pain. Eating has been a nicer experience lately. I still get the pain sometimes, but it's barely there. It'd be nice to see if it completely numbs it at the end of those 2 weeks. My teeth feel stronger and look whiter already, too. Wahoo!

I mentioned this on fb recently, but Gab-Dong made the psychopath copycat serial killer aro. That's a common trope, and makes people think aros are psychopaths or killers. A nasty thing to do. Pisses me off. It's like the trope of trans people being victims or crazed killers. I'm tired of both those. The aro one (and other tropes they push for aro people) actually affected me when I was figuring out my romantic orientation. Since I'm not a psychopath, frigid, unfeeling, robotic, etc; I must not be aro. Anything but that. This is really harmful. After looking more into it, I realized I was very wrong about it. I'm about as aro as it gets, and proud of it now. I had to get over that conditioned by society internalized arophobia, though. That's such a common thing people assume about us, that the food symbol the aro community has (decided through Arocalypse) addresses it. It's ice cream. We may seem cold and unfeeling, but we're actually sweet and kind. Plus, most people like ice cream...This way I'm an ice cream cake (cake for aces). Those are awesome! Wouldn't it be nice to see a kindhearted aro detective? Interestingly, I thought no one reacted to my post about this on fb. Looking back at it, I've had quite a few reactions. Didn't get notified about them, though. I think there was another recent post that fb didn't notify me about reactions, either. It's weird. The one about aros seems to have only had reactions from people I don't know, though. (Haven't looked into how they found it, but I do have my profile/posts set to public.) However, it's not showing me who shared it. Maybe it was someone who shared it to a secret group? Again, how did they stumble upon it? The other post, someone I knew reacted. I don't know...Maybe they're being selective with those now, too. That would be sad. Maybe if you don't post that often they do that sort of thing?

I've really liked Gab-Dong besides that. Now the copycat killer is furious. Everything seems to be ruined for him. He's on his way to Switzerland, so he'll be away from everything, too. He can't act out the rest of the murders because he doesn't know the details, anyways. The detectives, forensic psychiatrist, and copycat, all thought the original Gab-Dong was someone at the mental institution. Turns out that person was just a pawn of the original. He had moments where he thought for sure he was the original, but it was due to his mental illness. He knew the details about the first 5 murders because he worked with someone that was working the case 20 years ago, after being falsely accused. He wanted to catch him himself. Being accused ruined his life. They've accused thousands of people in the past, and ruined most of their lives. Some even committed suicide. This makes sense thinking about the real life case. Like I mentioned before, they accused over 20,000 people. They probably were all used by the real one. He's smart. It'd be interesting to see what happens next. There's a lot of episodes left. Maybe the original one will come back and finish the murders? Or, will it just be about finding him now? 

Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken or That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime has been good so far. They went over what Rimuru's possible gender could be as a slime a while ago. In his past life he was a man. In this one, he seems to be agender. He was trying to figure it out when he finally was able to shapeshift into human form. (He still uses he/him.) He tried thinking about being a man, but it didn't feel right. Being a woman felt even worse. He seems to have gone with a non-gendered body look (maybe androgynous, but that implies little aspects of both...) as well as not feeling either. An absolutely flat chest, no visible muscular build, average height, long hair that could go for either men or women, etc. As an agender person, this has been interesting to see so far. He seems to be growing fond of the computer like being inside him, too. It tells him if someone's a foe, info on people and places, what skills he'll gain if he eats something, and more. That computer apparently also has a function of auto-combat, where she takes over his body and fights. Rimuru can just sit back and assess the situation. He's extremely powerful in this world. He just defeated the Orc Lord in the most current episode. That orc had the ability to gain powers from people he ate. Similar to Rimuru's predator ability. Except this makes him always ravenous. He ate his own kind. It seems like the rest of the thousands of orcs might make an alliance with Rimuru. He's getting quite a lot of different beings on his side. He's keeping a dragon in him, he became leader of a goblin village, ogres joined that village, dwarves have as well, the lizardmen are now allied with him, a handful of humans are on his side, and the guardians of the forest are allied too.

With the current episodes in Radiant, it's been much more 'French' than the beginning was. It is an adaptation of a French comic that's in a manga-like style. Konrad, who's the leader in Rumble Town, reminds me of a Neo-nazi. He wants to exterminate all the immigrants and sorcerers there. He doesn't just hate them, he wants to 'purify' the town of them. This reminds me more of how some of the people of France and other places are against the Syrian (and other) immigrants 'invading' their country. There's also a huge increase of antisemitism in France, which might be the 'sorcerers' in the story. (I just realized that they probably do represent Jews...) Sorcerers are despised and discriminated against everywhere, except one place, in that world. They even have an inquisition hunting down and torturing sorcerers in that world. They feel sorcery is heresy. Yet, they sometimes ask them to take care of the Nemesis that invade. Interesting that the creator's covering these themes. 

Did just enough Italian to be counted for the day on Duolingo. With the current unit, that took about 10 minutes. Not much time at all, but I still felt like I did it. Didn't read manga, because I finished what I normally read last week. I would have wanted to start another one, but with more time. Drew only for a few minutes, but outlined one of Shadow's hands. Felt like it was something. Practiced my clarinet for 15 minutes instead of an hour. About enough to feel like a warm-up, but got through quite a bit of my jazz book. Edited more of Alliance. Managed to get through more than I thought in the time I gave myself. 

Did a shorter walk, too. Although, not as short as I had planned. It was essentially the last part of my walk walking the other direction. I do 2 loops usually. One big one that loops back towards the house. Then, a shorter one that covers the other part of the neighborhood (the longer one actually covers more than our neighborhood), wraps around the tennis courts, and goes straight back home. I haven't been doing the shorter loop lately, honestly. I was thinking of just walking straight to the tennis courts and back, not that entire loop. I guess it's good that I did more. There was a car that slowed down next to me and came close to stopping. I thought maybe they lived there or something. After I walked passed them, they suddenly turned around and followed me again. It was creepy. They stopped at some point, though. I looked in to see if I knew them, but didn't. That made it weirder. I thought maybe I had something on me, but didn't. Hope that doesn't happen again. It was cold out there again, but I'm happy I managed to get out there.