4th of Nisan

Passover or Pesach, this year, starts on the night of April 12th to the 20th. I’m going to do it this year. The seder and ‘diet’ during the holiday. Ashkenazi Jews have a more restrictive diet than Sephardi Jews during the holiday. In addition to no leavening (from 5 types of grains: wheat, barley, oats, rye, and spelt), which is chametz, we don’t eat kitniyot. Kitniyot (lit. ‘small things’) are legumes, rice, corn, and other foods considered similar to grains. Even mustard is on the list. I try to keep it as close as I can. There’s a surprising amount of corn products in things.

Seder lit. means ‘order’, it’s a ritual dinner that goes in a certain order. I didn’t do a seder for a couple of years after my fall and cancer diagnosis. I think this is my 3rd year getting back into it. I’ll be the leader at our family one. It’ll just be my parent and I. It’s a bit sadder when it’s just me. (Had that for a couple of years.) We used to go to a friends’ place for the 2nd night. Most people do (or go to) seders on the 1st 2 nights. The hostess had an accident (I don’t remember exactly what happened) and got brain damage from it. So, they haven’t hosted one since. They might have stopped it when Covid came around, too. I kind of miss their seders. There were a lot of people. I got to see their dogs. There was interesting food. I usually was the youngest one, so I had to ‘search’ for the afikoman. Afikoman is a piece of matzo (cracker like unleavened bread) that’s been hidden. The kids have to find it. They usually get a prize of some sort. The best present I got, I think, was an illustrated Hebrew dictionary. (Most of the time it’s like $1 or something small.) The seder can’t end unless everyone eats a piece of the afikoman. It’s also the last thing that’s eaten. I think some strict families don’t sing or listen to music after.

I decided on the actual dinner things for ours. We’ll have the usual hard-boiled eggs and gefilte fish first. I got 2 jars of the fish, which will be nice to have during the week. Then, matzo ball soup. I got 2 jars of this. We’ll probably use all of the 1st jar that night. My parent wanted to make the roasted chicken. The last couple of years we’ve gotten it from one of the markets. It might be even better made at home. I thought having a salad would be a good side. Probably get a spring mix. I can put a few leaves from it on the seder plate. I was hoping to mix in shredded carrots and shredded cabbage. I think Safeway used to have those already prepared. I’m hoping they’ll still have that. Craisins or dried cranberries would be great in the salad, too. I already found a good looking dressing and got it. It’s a garlic vinaigrette. I got quite a collection of desserts. Double dipped chocolate macaroons, almond macaroons, fruit slices (candy), chocolate seder plate (it looks impressive to me. Hopefully it’s in one piece), and Osem's chocolate chip Pesach cake (they make amazing Pesach cakes. I think they crushed this one, sadly). I bought 2 boxes of matzo. Even though I’m the only one that will eat it after the seder, I’m going to use it a lot. Matzo pizzas, matzo with charoset (fruit, nut, and wine mix, which the one I bought is like a jam) on it for a snack, matzo sandwiches (almond butter and charoset, egg salad, and tuna salad), and more. I decided not to try to roast an egg this year for the seder plate. I’ll just put a hard-boiled egg on it. I’m not sure how many hard-boiled eggs I’ll need for sandwiches for the week. Safeway has a couple of brands, and they all have 6 to a bag. Maybe if I want more I can just go back to get more then. We’ll put an orange on the seder plate again. It represents marginalized Jews. Like LGBTQ+ Jews, Jews of color, etc. We’ll have to get parsley for the plate, too. I noticed we have ‘extra hot’ horseradish. We could use that for the plate and the little matzo sandwich we have during the seder part just before dinner. I hope I can handle a tiny piece of it. I’ll get sparkling grape juice for my 4 cups. I don’t drink alcohol. I think I’ll get 2 bottles. I can have the rest during the holiday.

I got 3 bags of Pesach noodles. They didn’t have any at the markets, and they only came in 3s on Amazon. (I got most of the Pesach stuff from there.) I love those noodles. It’ll definitely last longer than the holiday. I’m going to try and find a good pasta sauce to have with it. Kind of hard to find without soy or corn products. I’ll have some cheese with it as well. I’ll use both the sauce and cheese with the matzo pizzas and noodles. I also found a premade roast chicken, potatoes, and carrots boxed meal. They say it can be used for camping. They say they’re kosher for Pesach. I might try more of them in the future, if I like it. I got bbq potato chips. That would be a nice snack. I got an herbal tea sampler. Most teas are kosher year round, but it was on sale in Amazon’s Pesach section. Hopefully it’ll be good. I thought a sampler would be nice. I can try a variety of them. This holiday is one of my faves, but it takes quite a bit of planning.

The main picture on the Jewish calendar is of an old French seder plate. It has the spots for each thing, each one is also in Hebrew and French. The outer part of the plate has all the sections of the seder in both Hebrew and French. That’s kind of cool to see. Most seder plates don’t do that. The other (secular) calendar has someplace in Scotland, I think. It has the Scottish flag. It’s of a sunset around some ruins.

I downloaded my ancestry . com data, and uploaded it to MyTrueAncestry. They supposedly do a deeper dive into how far back they go. My parent did it before me, and it looked interesting. It only took less than 10 minutes. It was free, although they show more if you pay for it. Not sure how accurate it is. A big percentage were Illyrians. I still don’t know much about them after looking them up. I’ll look at the other groups at some point. (A lot of them I don’t know much about.) Another big percentage were the Romans. I’m surprised by this one, but they got around, like the Vikings. I didn’t see any Viking in there, oddly. It had an era circle of what percentage of people were for each era. They also have a map, so you can see where they travelled around in certain eras. My parent also recently tried another DNA thing. Something that sequences your whole genome. I might be able to do that when they have a sale. It takes a while.

Went to Kettlefish for the first time on Saturday. There’s only 3 entrees I can have there: fish and chips, cod tacos, or Caesar salad with cod pieces. I got their cod tacos with coleslaw. The fish was really good. There were way too many things in the tacos, so most of it fell out. Even with eating the fish first, it was still too much. The pico de gallo tasted like it had curry spices. Interesting. The tacos also had too much lettuce. The coleslaw was interesting and good. They also had ice cream. I got a chocolate eclair bar. Reminded me of the strawberry shortcake bars. Just with chocolate. I might try their fish and chips next time.

I ordered quite a bit of meds lately. My primary doc’s ‘team’ also ordered 400 mg gabapentin. They want me to take it once 3 times a day. They think it might help me more than the 300 mg once 3 times a day dose. I had been waiting for my morphine 60 mg pills. I’d run out by Friday morning. (I take it 3 times a day.) I was so happy to get it today. It really cut it close. I also got the gabapentin. It was 90 days worth. I wanted it to be a 30 day one. I ended up with 4 huge full bottles of it. Too much. I barely had space for it and the other meds I got. (There were a few more.) I think the gabapentin was $16, but I wasn’t charged for the others. I thought it’d all be a lot more expensive. Maybe I’ve already hit the deductible or whatever it is.

Today I didn’t miss any of the Spanish sentences on Duolingo. Did 3 lessons. Finished a unit and my Spanish number went up to 62. Hit a milestone for my daily streak, which was 1,250 days. Finished all the quests for today. I’m 5th in the league. 

Someone tried to basically harass me on Shabbat . com. He sent weird messages and tried friending me twice. He seemed to only be there to look for a wife. He made quite a few false assumptions about me. I eventually just blocked him. Oddly, I noticed I haven't used that app for 3 years. I might get back to it. It's kind of like a Facebook for Jews. Including part of it where you can find places to stay and host Shabbat dinners. They got a dating part of it, which I never really used. Most people on there have been nice.

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19th of Adar

Had a fun weekend. Went to a new place called McCloud’s for dinner on Friday. Their menu is huge! There were so many good sounding desserts on their specials menu. We shared fried pickle fries. They come with ranch. They were kind of in a nifty shape. I thought they were pretty good. I got their bbq combo. I chose the brisket, mashed potatoes, and potato salad. It comes with cornbread. The brisket was very fatty, but the rest of it was decent. The sauce was interesting. The mashed potatoes didn’t look very normal. It needed more salt. The potato salad was just ok. Cornbread was just ok. I ate close to half of everything, and had the rest (including pickle fries) for lunch on Sunday. The mashed potatoes were much better after I added a lot more salt at home. Maybe the rest of their entrees/sides will be better. I had their toffee caramel bundt cake. It was amazing! I ended up eating it all.

We went to Burger King on Saturday for lunch. Been a while since I had been there. I got a whopper with cheese without onions with onion rings and a vanilla cream soda. It was great!

After that, we got pedicures. I decided to get those instead of going to the podiatrist just to get my toenails clipped. I got the same ‘package’ as my parent. The signature one. They do a few different massages in addition to the actual pedicure part. They also add in putting on nail polish. I didn’t want the nail polish. I wasn’t sure if it would make my toenails worse. They almost didn’t understand that I didn’t want it. They don’t know very much English. I think I might have it next time. Something sparkly. I guess it’s ok to try and see what it does. They didn’t trim my nails much. That was my main thing. Next time I’ll ask them to trim them shorter. Hopefully they’ll be able to trim both my big toes’ nails. They’re the weird looking ones. They were still pretty short this time, so it was understandable that they didn’t do much with them. The skin on my legs and feet still feels really soft from all that stuff they did. I think I’ll get their basic thing next time. That still has a couple of massages. (And they still apply lotion and such.) Nail polish is included in it, too. I had worn my slippers so I can easily slip in and out of them. They tried helping me put them on afterwards. They were really nice.

We went home so I could get my socks and shoes on. My feet/legs felt naked and cold on the way home. We went to Starbucks for a snack after that. I got an iced lavender cream oatmilk matcha latte and coffee cake. The latte was new, and it had kind of a fun taste. The coffee cake was good, but very crumbly.

Went to my haircut appointment at 4:30pm. My stylist and the receptionist were the only other people in the store. It was a little weird. I got another buzzcut. It feels like she cut it even shorter than usual. I think the 6-week thing worked out more. It wasn’t getting too crazy before the haircut like it had been. The only issue is I had to make an appointment for more than 6 weeks out. It’s going to get funky again. I guess I can wear a hat if it gets bad. I brought up Rosie passing away. She suggested we get another pet. To fill the void, and that many pets need good homes. It’s hard. I don’t think I want to get attached like that to another pet and then deal with their death again. It hurts. She talked about her new chihuahua puppy. I was thinking a while ago about getting a chihuahua. (Long before Rosie passed away.) A nice small dog. Again, I don’t think I want to deal with that again. Unless maybe if I won the lottery and had my own house. (I might get both a dog and cat.) That’s a big maybe, though. Anyways, it looked like a lot of hair was on the floor when she was done. I didn’t think my hair was that long.

My parent made our usual St Patrick’s Day dinner on Sunday. It’s easier to cook like that during the weekend. There were corned beef, potatoes, carrots, and cabbage. They were all boiled together with a little spices. I had the corned beef with a little maple mustard. It was great without it, but it elevated it a little more. It was all great. Shared soda bread for my last snack. Another fave.

This month’s Universal Yums is on Colombia. (Got it on Monday.) I don’t think Treats covered Colombia. It’s pretty new to me that way. Should be interesting to see what emails I’ll get on it from them. So far, there was a recipe for Sancocho Colombiano. Apparently, a huge stew with beef and vegetables. They usually add a sauce on top of it. They might have rice or avocado as sides. Went through the booklet. I can have the 2 recipes in it. I think 1 of them looked really good. Cheese in hot chocolate is apparently a thing. The music playlist wasn’t great. I thought they’d have traditional music. Instead it was pop, rap, and hip-hop. Looks like fun and different snacks this time. There’s one I can’t have. It’s bacon and lime potato chips. My parent said she might have that one.

I’ve tried the cheese rings with cassava powder. They were pretty good, just had a strange aftertaste. Had some of the Chew n Crunch Stix. They weren’t great. Very interesting that it had specks of candy inside. I noticed there was gelatin in it. I don’t know if that’s from pork, beef, fish, or plants. (I can’t have pork products.) The uncertainty scared me and they weren’t good, so I threw the rest out. Had one of the passion fruit flavored lollipops with bubblegum in the center. The candy part was really good. Very flavorful. You could smell it, too. I’m not sure if I’ve had passion fruit before. It looked like it had seeds, but I think they made the candy have bumps and colored them in to make them look like seeds. The gum wasn’t very good. Didn’t last long. It was an experience, though. Today, I had a little bit of the coconut caramel stick candy. It was awful. It also had gelatin. It wasn’t worth having the whole stick. I threw the rest of it out, too. I also had the coffee cake that actually has coffee in it. It was really good. Seemed like it was steamed. It was nice and moist. Had a little strange aftertaste. Not sure what that was. I gave it 3.5 hearts. I gave the coconut caramel sticks 0 hearts. So, today had both the lowest and highest ratings so far. There are lime potato chips from the same brand that did the bacon and lime potato chips. It sounds interesting. I’ve had lime tortilla chips, but not potato chips. There’s also mayo potato chips. To me, that could be good or bad. All depends on how it’s done. There are garlic plantain chips. I’ve tried plantains a couple of times and didn’t like it. Maybe I’ll like it in a different form? There’s a gummy thing. I’ll try a little bit, but it also has gelatin. If it’s good, I might eat more of it. There are lemon cream sandwich cookies, a peanut chocolate bar, and a wafer chocolate bar. Those seem ‘normal’.

Yesterday I had a meatloaf meal from Safeway for dinner. It also had green beans and mashed potatoes. Their meatloaf only has beef, which is great. They use a ketchup-based sauce, which reminds me of what my mom did with her meatloaves. It didn’t have the garlic and herb butter for the green beans/potatoes this time. I like that usually. It still was good. I had a slice of their Biscoff cookie butter cake for my last snack. It’s one of the best cakes they have. Super popular. They didn’t have it for a while. It was the last one. I’m so happy I got to have it. It was amazing! I had Amy’s broccoli cheddar bake for dinner tonight. It’s a frozen meal. One of my faves. I had an oatmeal raisin cookie for dessert. It was pretty tasty. For my last snack, I’ll have cheddar pretzels and either the last of the s’mores chocolate or the beef and cheese sticks. I love the beef and cheese sticks. Another thing I haven’t seen in a while. It might be best to have that then.

I’ve decided to get most of my Passover food from Amazon. They have a good selection. The QFC in Seattle disappointed me last year. They really didn’t have much. They used to be impressive with a huge selection. They actually have a section for it on Amazon. I looked at it last year and it had pretty much everything I needed. Even the jarred charoset and actual choices of cereal. I’ll check it out again soon. The holiday starts the night of April 12th. I have a little while.

I finished my little project of listening through the decades on Spotify. I didn’t find much in the 2010s and 2020s. I added a little over 330 songs to my liked playlist with that. Now I’m listening to my liked playlist on shuffle with their ‘new’ recommendations mixed in. I’ve added quite a bit more that way. I’m still not used to listening to music throughout the day again. It’s another experience. I used to do it all the time, but I stopped it at some point. Probably after my fall 5 years ago and cancer stuff.

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29th of Nisan

It's been a long time since I lasted posted here. Didn't want it to be this long between posts. Hopefully, I'll get to posting more often. I've been posting a lot to places like Facebook, Tumblr, and PatientsLikeMe. They've kind of become more of a way for people to know what's going on with me. It's a bit more difficult to post on here, because I can only really do it through my desktop. There isn't an app for this. At least, not a reliable one. I haven't really used my computer in a while, either. Trying to stay downstairs as much as I can, and my computer's upstairs in my room. My room doesn't even feel like my room anymore. It's odd that I now sleep downstairs in the family room with a hospital bed in the middle of it. They want me to avoid upstairs as much as possible because of my bone mets, and it's easier to break a bone if I fall. I miss being up here, though. 

Yesterday marked the anniversary of when I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. It's crazy that it's been a year. Feels like longer. A lot has happened. At least, I can look at it like I survived a year. Many people don't make it past 5 years after diagnosis. I hope I can make it that long, and surpass it by a lot. I want to live for as long as I can. Hopefully, my quality of life will still be relatively good for a long time. 

I didn't do Passover this year. That's twice in a row of not doing it. Last year I was recovering from falling in the shower and breaking my right shoulder, and I had just learned about having cancer. I think it was later that year. That's another thing. It kind of crept up on me this year. Last month was rather expensive, and I didn't want to add on to it. I also was just not feeling it this year. Even a month beforehand, when I usually try to start getting the food for it, it just didn't feel right. I'm hoping next year I can feel up to it. If I do it early enough, I can find everything I need for the holiday and not worry about cooking much during it. I've felt so fatigued that it's hard for me to do things like cook. That holiday is very cooking-centric. However, like I mentioned, if it's early enough, I can get most of it already prepared online. No need to make my own things like cereal that way. It's one of my fave holidays. 

Kind of along the same line, I recently started Duolingo's Yiddish course. It just came out a few days ago. Feels like another way to connect with my ancestors who spoke it. It's interesting that I tried their Scottish Gaelic course when it came out, too. Some of my other ancestors spoke that. There aren't many speakers of either language today. There might be more who speak Yiddish than Scottish Gaelic today. People are trying to change that with both languages, though. I think that's awesome! It was interesting that on the day Yiddish went live, Duolingo had a thing where if you order a bagel in Yiddish at participating stores, you'd get it for free. I wish they had one that was local to me. I could have tried it. So far, I'm doing pretty well with it. Only missed a few questions/sentences out of 7 units, and leveling out 4 of those. (There are 5 levels with around 5 lessons for each unit.) With most of them, I've gotten perfect scores. I started out on the totally new to it trek. They start you off with the letters that way. They added in actual words and sentences earlier than I expected. It would have been even greater if they also had speaking exercises. I know it's still in beta, but hopefully they can add that in the future. I'm just happy I get to be exposed a bit more to it. My plan for Duolingo before is going to be put on hold until I finish their Yiddish course. I've wanted to do this for a while. The plan before was with every new Treats monthly subscription box, change to the language that that country speaks. So, if it's something like India, start learning Hindi. I thought that would be a great way to learn languages, and learn more about the country they feature. I did that last month when it was on India. Hindi was very interesting, but I don't think their course for it was even as good as their Yiddish course so far. The month before that I tried Bahasa Indonesia on there. Even though it was Malaysian snacks that time, I couldn't find any good Bahasa Malaysia apps and it wasn't on Duolingo. Bahasa Indonesia is supposed to be similar, so I went with that. Before that, I was trying to do Welsh. Got really tired of it quickly. Hopefully, I can stick with Yiddish all the way to the end of the course, and keep it up every day. 

I went to the dentist for the first time in roughly 15 years recently. I finally got dental insurance last year, and just hadn't gone yet. My oncologist really wanted me to go before I started xgeva. Xgeva's a bone strengthening med. It's like zometa, only not an infusion. This one's in shot form. She thinks it'll be better for me after I ended up feeling really sick with the first zometa infusion. Anyways, both these meds can cause dental problems. One of those being jaw necrosis. They don't want me to go through major dental procedures while on it. The dentist poked around and looked at x-rays of my teeth that first visit. He said the only problem he saw was that I had cavities. 7 of them. So, I'll need 7 fillings. Not major dental stuff, so he ok'd me taking xgeva, and sent a fax to my oncologist. The next time I saw him he did a deep cleaning. It was painful at times. He prescribed a toothpaste and mouth rinse afterwards. I read that they help with preventing more cavities, remineralizes, and helps to prevent worsening of gingivitis. That's kind of good. I'm only supposed to use the mouth rinse for 10 days. The toothpaste has an odd flavor. It says it's fruit-flavored, but tastes like bubble gum. I'd prefer to get back to my other toothpaste in the future. That one has a better flavor and is for sensitive teeth. My teeth have always been sensitive. Even when they were super healthy. The insurance didn't cover those prescriptions, but they weren't as expensive as I expected. So that was a plus. The next time I'll see him he'll do a 'tissue check'. Not sure what that entails. Then, he'll get to doing 2 of the fillings. The only problem I have with this dental place is they continue to call and text my parent about my appointments. They're not contacting me. I wrote my phone number on the intake form. They somehow got my number before I gave it to them, since they called while I was filling it out. I brought this up to them at the end of my appointment last time, and specifically said call or text me, not my parent. They started to say they didn't have it. I brought up that it's on the intake form, and said my number again for them. My parent got a text reminder of my next appointment that night. The next time they text her, I'll call them about it. It's kind of ridiculous. I don't know why they're contacting her and not me. It feels like maybe they're afraid or something? I didn't answer that time they called me because I had so much stuff on my lap and I was in the midst of finishing that form. So weird. 

We recently found out that Rosie, our cat, has diabetes. My parent was giving her insulin for a while. The insulin was human and pretty expensive. One little bottle is $300, but that's supposed to last 6 months. It still is a lot. We also changed her food to a higher protein one that needs a prescription. Tasha, our other cat, loves that stuff, too. We were told last Monday that she may have beaten her diabetes. It might have gone into remission. That way she might not need insulin anymore. The food might be enough for now. Her readings for the glucose monitor were much lower than before. They monitored her at the vet clinic for a day. That'll be great if she doesn't need the shots anymore. 

On Monday, I had a CT and full bone scan done. It was an exhausting day. They took forever to get the IV in. I came close to passing out at one point. They told me last time that I should make an appointment just beforehand with one of the people from the infusion center. That way they can use an ultrasound to find a vein quickly. I thought I'd be fine this time. Plus, I couldn't find the card of the person I was supposed to call. I shouldn't have to make another appointment for before it either. They gave me a card of another person from the infusion center for next time. Hopefully, I'll remember. I have to have them done every 3 months. The results came back really quickly. They seem great, except for 2 things in the findings section of the CT scan. That being a small fat-containing umbilical hernia, and focal fluid collections or masses. I'll bring that up with my oncologist the next time I see her. Like I said, the rest of it looked great. Even the bone scan is stable. There's no progression, but there's also no shrinkage or anything disappearing. My lungs are clear now, too. They saw a lung nodule last time that they were worried about. They suspected that it was a met, and now they're not sure. It's gone now at least. 

Home Health stopped having their aides come by to give me a shower. It was right after my home aide had quit, and my palliative care nurse had just gotten back from vacation. It shocked him, and he said it made him stammer. I think the way it was done wasn't right. I didn't like them in the first place, and wanted to be able to do it on my own for a while. They didn't give me any 'tools' to try it on my own beforehand. One home aide suggested I buy a long shower brush. I can't reach my back, neck, upper left arm, and anything from the knee down on my own without any tools. That's still quite a lot. I wasn't able to get the brush before they stopped coming to see if it would actually help me. It would have been best to have at least one more time of them coming by, seeing how I handle a brush, and maybe tell me some tips on how to better use it. That would have been much better. I like how the manager told me I can get back into the program whenever I need them. Well, I needed them right then. I have been able to do it on my own with the brush since then. It really wears me out, though. 

I decided to stop getting the Arts in Letters monthly subscription. They were very interesting, but I just couldn't keep up with them after a while. I love the idea of them, too. I hope the person behind it can keep it up. I looked up other monthly subscription boxes to replace it. I decided on Celebrate States. This is a very interesting one. I love learning about states. Each box comes with a ton of info on it, and quite a lot of items. Each one is personalized according to what you filled out on the quiz just before ordering it. Since I said I had cats, there was a cat toy in the first box. I don't know if every box will have something cat-related, but that's nice. You had a choice of either Florida or North Carolina for the first box. I chose Florida. There was a nice smelling candle, homemade soap, honey, teas, gum, a shell, goat's milk lotion, a rub for meat, and more. It had more things in it than I was expecting. I think the next state is California, since they mentioned it on their Facebook page. After the first month, it's a mystery as to what the next state will be. I also virtually visited places that sounded interesting, which I found in the guidebook and magazines that came with it. I might do the same thing with future states. Gives me something to do, at least. 

A friend sent me a box filled with things. It was essentially a care package to help keep me preoccupied. I didn't expect to get something like that. There's certainly a lot to it. There's a ton of chocolate, a drawing book, an art book, coloring books, fun socks, teas, colored pencils, markers, a candle (Peruvian lime scented), ramen, a cat treat, a huge jigsaw puzzle featuring birds, and more. It was very nice of them. The only problem was finding places for everything. I really appreciated it, though. Apparently, another friend is going to send me something, too. That being Girl Scout cookies and gift cards. They don't have to send me these things, but it's all so nice and sweet of both of them. 

I tried to get into my regular clothes recently. I normally wear my pajamas. Even when I go out. Found out I lost weight everywhere but the area they did my hysterectomy in. My shirt was baggier than the last time I wore it. My jeans were baggy except for the top, where I couldn't zip it up. I just hope I don't get something like my mom did. She had 2 abdominal tumors. She lost weight at the time, the first tumor was detected, everywhere but her belly. This is different, though. Maybe that hernia has something to do with it, too. I think it has to do with how the area has healed since the hysterectomy. It's made more of a pooch. If I want to try wearing jeans now I need to get a bigger sized pair. It's weird that the legs of those jeans will be super baggy that way. I've managed for the couple days lately, that I wanted to wear regular clothes, to wear a shirt, pajama bottoms, and regular socks. It's better than before, I guess. 

At some point, I want to get back to my walks. This week might be best for that. It's going to get up to and around 70 degrees at some point. That's going to be nice. It's been so cold still. The fleece/sherpa blend blanket I got not long ago has really helped at night. If I start doing my walks when it's nice out, I might be more likely to keep it up. We'll see. I hope to eat closer to what I used to, as well. It's a little difficult with having the to-go meals for dinners, and all that chocolate. However, I could halve some of those dinners. With the chocolate, I'm trying to just have one serving at a time. Even with that, it adds quite a few calories. I'm trying to also give myself a break sometimes. Keeping my 'splurge' days would be good. Those being Friday night through Sunday. My palliative care nurse said I really shouldn't care too much about eating healthier. Just do what I can, but with my situation, it's ok to indulge more with things. I want to feel healthier, though. 

I want to get back to watching things, too. It took me a while to get through the last 2 things I finished through Netflix. I'm almost done with The School Nurse Files. I think there's only one more episode left. Hopefully, I can finish that soon. The next show on my list is Betaal, which is a short Indian zombie show. The School Nurse Files is a supernatural Korean one. It's kind of eccentric. I think it was based on a manhwa or Korean comic. It's a bit surreal as a live-action show. I also want to get back into watching anime. I've been somewhat catching up again with One Piece, but I've pretty much stopped watching other things. I'm about a year behind on anime I'd like to watch. That's quite a lot. Plus, during this season, there are a ton of shows that I love that started their next season. It feels weird to be so far behind. Hopefully, I'll get into it again. 

28th of Nisan

This is my wallpaper for May. It's Luffy from One Piece. Seemed to somehow fit the 'mood' of this month to me. It's a tough one, since the 7th anniversary of my mom passing away was on the 1st, there's Mother's Day, what would have been her birthday, and my parents' anniversary. All in one month...I didn't want something depressing, but also not something too upbeat, I guess. I found that the way they portray grief in One Piece is probably the most accurate I've seen. Especially with Luffy when he lost Ace (an adopted older brother). His initial shock (and what he felt/his behavior right after) seemed to hit close to home for me. It seems every character that has gone through it in the series copes with it differently too, which is more true to reality as well. I've realized there's no right or wrong way to grieve and everyone's different.

The month-long holidays for May are: National BBQ Month, National Egg Month, National Hamburger Month, National Salad Month, Jewish-American Heritage Month, National Pet Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun.

For my elements calendar, it's on xenon. Apparently, it's used for IMAX movie projectors. It's sometimes used in incandescent light bulbs, which burns hotter and brighter than others. It gives off a pale purple color. The main pic's of lights spelling out Xe. (Obviously filled with xenon and lit up.) The other pics are of various different types of xenon light bulbs and lamps.

Hopefully I'll post a lot more often this month. Been a bit more difficult with the health stuff, Pesach, and trying to get other stuff done at the same time. 

Ended Pesach (or Passover) early on the night of the 25th. The holiday ended last Saturday. My gut was acting up with that diet, I was already stressed out with my health stuff, and it felt like it was long enough. I had one of my fave dishes at JJ's: smoked salmon linguine. I think that was perfect to end it with. They give you bread at the beginning, and then there's the pasta...Lots of chametz right there. Chametz is anything leavened, which we can't have during the holiday. We try to have 'chametz fests' when we end it. Being Ashkenazic (Jews of German and eastern European descent), I couldn't eat kitinyot either. That's legumes, rice, mustard, corn, etc. Takes a lot out of my diet. I think next year I'll eat the Sephardic (Jews of Spain and Mediterranean descent) way. They don't omit kitinyot. It seems like it'll be healthier for me. 

I'll see a rheumatologist for the first time on the 21st. Not sure if I can stand to wait that long, but that was the soonest they had. The receptionist was really nice and understanding. She put me on the wait-list, just in case. It'll be on what would have been my mom's birthday. That'll be interesting. She'd definitely want me to take care of my health stuff, and possibly have something good for dinner afterwards...It's all the way in Tacoma and in the late afternoon.

Saw my primary on the 25th. She was actually pretty good this time. Not flaky or blase about things. Maybe my massive amount of symptoms made her take me more seriously. Went well over the allotted 30 minutes for the appointment. (They don't give you much time unless it's for a physical.) Probably was there for twice as long. It was just so much to go over, and I didn't get through all of my symptoms. 

I told her my theory of what it is, dermatomyositis, and she agreed that it sounded a lot like it. I seem to be having most of the common symptoms. Since it can affect the muscles in the esophagus, it can cause dysphagia. So, even my dysphagia is common with people with dm. (As well as a lot of other muscle-related autoimmune diseases.) She told me that many people end up with more than one autoimmune disease, so it makes sense that I'd have something like that. 

She referred me to rheumatology (they were really fast in contacting me), ordered blood tests, and prescribed something for sleep. She can't prescribe much for the pain. Extra Strength Tylenol takes the edge off, but sometimes that's not enough. It's getting harder to live with. Especially, after about an hour of being in bed at night, my upper arms suddenly have extremely sharp pain. I don't know if it's my position or what. It's like the worst pain I've felt, but I can't do anything about it. No matter what position I turn to, it doesn't help. Even propping myself up or massaging it doesn't do a thing. The thing she prescribed for sleep doesn't help with something like that. It used to only be in one arm, but it's in both now. Usually, that pain goes away in the morning when I get out of bed. 

I've gotten all the blood tests' results. The general blood panel (things like blood cell counts) were all within normal range. However, some were the lowest recorded for me. They were really close to going below the minimum. I'm a bit worried about that. My TSH was the lowest it's been, but still within normal range. 

My CRP or C-reactive Protein was flagged as high. It measures inflammation. I'm more used to the sed rate test for that. The range is 1-7 mg/L. When I knew I was flaring and at my worst with the colitis it was 7.1. So close to the norm it probably could be considered that. My sed rate at that time told a different story. I was a little more than twice over the high end of normal with that. About a month and a half before my most recent result for the CRP, it was 2.7. The current one is at 12. That's a pretty big jump in such a short amount of time. It's concerning that it's almost twice as much as the high end of normal, too. I'm more inflamed, according to this, than I was with that first colitis flare...That's saying something. Makes me really curious about what my sed rate is. 

The ANA screen test was also flagged. It tests for autoimmune diseases. I think specifically for rheumatic (connective tissue; like muscles, joints, etc.) ones. The titers were 1:320, making it a positive result. It's positive when the 2nd number's above 80. This means I do have another autoimmune disease (or disorder). The pattern was homogeneous. This may help narrow down what kind, but many of them overlap. This is apparently just the first step in figuring out what it is. Knowing it's positive, I've read they run a bunch of other blood tests. For dm, I also read that they'd need muscle and skin biopsies, MRI, and possibly an electromyogram. I'd be ok with the MRI. Not so much with the other things. I guess I'll just see what happens. If it's not dm, that seems scarier. I have less of a clue as to what's happening if that were the case.

Close to a week ago, I noticed my hair was falling out while I washed/styled it. It's normal to lose some, since I try to do it every 3 days. (If it's a longer time, more hair comes out.) Loose hair builds up during those 3 days (a small portion falls out on its own), and most of it comes out during washing it. It had been slightly longer than 3 days since the last wash before that. However, it came out in chunks. There's usually a point where it stops coming out as I comb it. It didn't. It didn't even stop after the last step of styling it. My bathtub was full of it, since I stand over it while styling. It was worse when I washed/styled it on Wednesday. So much it scared me. It's coming off of me throughout the day more often, too. I'm ok with having it thinned a bit. I often feel it has too much 'volume'. However, I don't want it all falling out. I was so happy to be able to grow my hair out to as long as I wanted it (and style it) this past 6 or 7 years. To lose it would be very difficult for me. I hated it when it was short. At least it's not noticeable right now. 

I also can't seem to bend my left pinky finger much. It hurts if I try to push it. I can't grasp things with it. Of what little amount I can bend, it bends towards the right, not straight. It's also cold. My other pinky finger's slowly losing it's flexibility, too. The left one's not only painful, but annoying. Feels almost like it's just an extra limb that gets in the way. I joked that maybe I need to chop it off, but that sounds tempting in reality now. I know I'd be in more pain. Maybe with treatment it'll go back to normal. 

Wednesday, we (my parent and I) visited my mom's grave. Oddly, I was in the least amount of pain for the week that day. Maybe that was because mentally it put me in a different place? I don't know. It was a nice sunny day. After going to the cemetery, we went to a cafe that my parents would go to while I was at Sunday school. I hadn't been there in a long time. The brownie I got there was great. The iced chai was a little weird. Tasted more like apple cider, but was still good. There was a guy who tried to hit on me. He was very subtle and super awkward. Came off more creepy than anything. He sat next to me on the couch, talked to himself a lot, got up to talk to the staff and pointed towards me, stared at me occasionally while I drank, etc. I just tried to ignore that weirdness. Also, went to a market near it that Mom liked going to. It's owned by the same people behind our local market, only there's a lot more of a selection. We went to SuBI (short for Sushi Bainbridge Island) after that. It's been a while since I've been there as well. Mom liked that place, too. It was decent. They did the teriyaki a little oddly. The sauce was under the nicely cooked sliced steak, along with vegetables. It would have been better with the sauce over it. The staff seemed happy, which was nice to see. 

Went to the local trans group's meeting that night. I think she would have loved it. Would have tried to help as many people as she could. I'm not sure how she would have taken me being agender. It's one thing saying you're another binary gender. She'd probably 'get' genderfluid more than agender. Not having a gender can be too out there for some people. At the very least, I think she would have taken a while to mull it over. After that, I think she'd probably be very supportive and accepting of it. She knew I had 'gender issues'. That was her phrasing when I started to feel so weird in the lingerie department, and about certain fashion stuff. Maybe it'd be more of a: I knew something was up! Or: That makes so much sense! Wish I could come out to her, not just as being agender, but as being aro ace too. Went to Shari's after group. Everyone from that group managed to go there this time, too. I like when there are more people. I think she would have loved the slice of pie I got: s'mores galore. It's one of my faves. It's like a party on a plate. Teddy grahams, mini Hershey's chocolate bar, mini marshmallows (outside and inside), chocolate marshmallow fluff layer, whipped cream, and a graham cracker crust. 

Finished watching Mind Game, which was a Malaysian/Singaporean detective show. I think it was a joint project between the 2 countries. There were things I really liked about it, and some really not so great things. They seemed to be constantly drinking, in and out of hospitals, everyone ended up hypnotized at some point, Anni was the only one who didn't keep secrets (I think), the fight scenes were awkward looking, Anni's mole on her lower lip was really distracting, there ended up being way too much drama towards the end, and the cut scene music came in at the worst times (not during a transition to another scene, it would just happen). I did like that they made the characters feel like you were with family or really close friends, there seemed to be a lot of cool feminist overtones, Anni being the lead detective of a mainly male team was nice to see (she was tough and intelligent), it wasn't as predictable as it seemed at first, the cinematography was great, and more. So, I can't say I loved or hated it. It was decent. I certainly don't regret watching it.

Finished the 3rd season of Santa Clarita Diet. It was probably the best season. They left it off on a huge cliffhanger. The awful part of that is the show's been cancelled by Netflix, so there won't be another season. At least, not for a long time if at all. 

I started the new spring anime season last month. There's Kimetsu no Yaiba (Demon-Slaying Blade). It's been great so far. The animation is outstanding. Looked 3D in a few of the scenes. It's essentially about zombies (they call them demons in the show). The main character's sister was turned into one, and he's trying to find a cure for her. To keep her from biting/eating him or others, he put a stick-like gag in her mouth. So, if she gets hungry, she just ends up drooling all over the place. She is more 'aware' than most, too. She's saved him numerous times already. Sometimes in really brutal ways. (She kicked a zombie's head clean off with one kick at one point...) I got to the point where he finished his rigorous training to become a demon hunter. His sister slept the entire time. That's 2 years. He was worried that she wouldn't wake up.

Gunjou no Magmel (Magmel of the Sea Blue) has been good, too. Reminds me of a couple of other anime I've seen. Magmel is a totally new continent that just appeared one day. It still hasn't been fully explored. People go there for many reasons, and a lot of them don't make it back home. Inyou mainly helps rescue people on request or carry out missions with them. The series is really dark and violent, and often there isn't a good ending for the customers. Zero helps Inyou by piloting a flying robot remotely. She's basically his eyes on the ground. Her robot can fight as well, but often doesn't need to. 

Mayonaka no Occult Koumuin (Midnight Occult Civil Servants) has been interesting. It's basically about detectives protecting 'Anothers' and humans living in their jurisdiction. Anothers are like demons, fairies, angels, etc. All mythological creatures from around the world. The main character, Arata, is the only one that can hear and communicate with the Anothers. It's changed the way the detectives used to work already. Arata is recognized by many of the Anothers as Seimei, who was an ancestor of his. He apparently could communicate with them, too. One of the ones that knew Seimei (who now helps them with cases) is an Aztec coyote G-d named Huehuecoyotl. (Seems to be based off of the actual mythology of it. Interesting.) He's a huge trickster. He also seems not to care about if his clothes will be seen as masculine or feminine, which is an interesting side thing. There's a demon cat that's an old friend of his who also helps them.

Kenja no Mago (Wise Man's Child) is another. It's better than I expected. The main character, Shin, was reincarnated into a world with magic after he was killed in a car accident. He started life from birth in that other world, so he has vague memories of it. He was found and raised by Merlin, and once he got old enough he went with him to a magic academy. He's never gone to school before and lacks common sense. He's light-years ahead of his peers, though. Super strong. He just has to imagine things in order to create it. Even Merlin was surprised. He killed demons when he was little. In their world any animal (including humans) can be turned into a demon. They're supposed to be incredibly strong when they turn. He just killed a demonized human that was a fellow classmate. What was different was that that student was conscious. He could talk and feel. It'll be interesting to see where they take this.

2nd season of One Punch Man has been great. The animation's a little different, but it's still got all the other great elements. One 'villain', Garou, is trying to beat all of the heroes. He says 'kill', but none of the heroes have actually died when they lost. He had a chance encounter with Saitama, who he knows nothing about. Saitama thought he was trying to mug him and hit him so hard the ground gave way, he fell, blacked out, and barely can remember what happened. Saitama entered himself into a martial arts tournament in place of someone else. I think he mostly was curious about it and wanted to see if he could find someone stronger than him. That's essentially his whole thing. It's finding someone he could have a decent fight with. He's bored of fights that end so quickly. He hasn't done martial arts before, so he did mention he's curious about how they fight. He might end up fighting Garou in it. I don't know if he signed up, but he does use martial arts. That will be funny to see. 

Started watching the remake of Fruits Basket. It's going to follow much more closely to the manga than the 1st anime did. I loved Fruits Basket, especially the manga. That was much better, still had a lot of humor, but was more mature. The 1st anime ended when the manga wasn't even halfway through its run. It diverged from the manga early. I watched the anime first, but read all of the manga a few years later. The ending of the anime was odd. The Japanese voice actors weren't as great as the English dubbed ones. That's saying a lot. The design was slightly different compared to the manga. The creator of the series was really upset about how that 1st anime went. Nothing went the way she wanted. She was on staff as an adviser. She managed to get voice actors she liked, music she envisioned for it, have the design follow closer to the manga (including hair colors, and the eyes look more 'human' sized), and plans to have all of the manga adapted to the anime. They even list '1st season' on the title. It'll be great to see it all animated. I barely remember things from the manga. There were some cool characters I still remember that weren't in the first series. They also didn't accurately portray Akito and their story. I liked that they actually played around with gender and gender roles. Several characters are at least gender non-conforming, if not trans. Might have been another reason why I liked it so much at first. I rarely like shoujo anime. They're supposed to be aimed at girls, but many anime can merge into other categories like shounen (aimed at boys). I like shounen a lot more. This is different than many other shojo in the aspect that romance isn't a big element in the story, and Tohru seems more human and real than many of the other shojo protagonists. The story is unique in many ways. So far, I think it's doing better. Seeing the 'new' design animated took a little while to get used to, but I think it is better. I can already pick out some of the differences as far as the story is concerned. I think we're up to the point it diverged quite a bit from the manga. It was pretty early from what I remember.

3rd season of Bungou (Literary) Stray Dogs has been about Dazai and Chuuya's past. How Chuuya became a member of the Port Mafia, who he really is, how they got to know each other, etc. Also, gave info on what the previous boss was like. I think the next episode will finally be back to the current time. They did a similar thing with the 2nd season, which was on Dazai's past and how he became the person he is now. I don't know what the current story line will be, but it was nice to get a bit more background on Chuuya. He's a lot stronger than he seems. His main power's based on gravity, some sort of power related to Cthulhu, and another mystery power somehow related to the previous boss. He's not really human, either. 

4th Day of Pesach!

Tonight is the start of the 5th day of Pesach or Passover. I managed to cook (although I planned to not do as much as usual), prepare, set, and lead our family seder Friday night. Despite my health deteriorating. Felt accomplished afterwards. Even if it was just for my parent and I. 

I roasted a beef marrow bone this time. Safeway had ran out of their soup bones (which is what I got last time), so I went to Central Market to see what they had. Felt a bit panicked that I wouldn't find a bone...They had them in the 'extra' meat section. Same place as the beef tongue, chicken schmaltz, chicken feet, organ meats, etc. It was easy to roast. I'm keeping it in the freezer so I could use it next year, too. Used to do that with an actual roasted lamb shank bone (that's traditionally what it's supposed to be) for years. It became petrified. Looked cool.

'Roasted' the egg for the plate by holding a hard-boiled egg with tongs over a stovetop burner's flames. Took longer than expected, but certainly not as long as putting it in the oven. Plus, I was able to monitor it better. Hard-boiled eggs in the oven can explode. I've only done that a couple of times. 

We had the usual appetizers: hard-boiled eggs, matzo, and gefilte fish. I got a lot of hard-boiled eggs from Safeway, which made it so much easier. Made matzo ball soup. Used chicken broth instead of water, and added carrots, celery, and parsley. I should have used reduced sodium broth, because it ended up really salty. I like that, but it was on the verge of too much. There's a lot of sodium in the balls and soup flavoring mix. The matzo balls turned out just right. Fluffy, but with some structure to them. 

We had roasted chicken, Pesach roasted garlic couscous, salad with craisins and shredded carrots, and Pesach popovers. I tried using the orange ginger sauce as a dressing, and the ginger was way too strong. I made 24 (2 batches) popovers this year. I know we'd have 2 at our seder, and our friends' seder the next night had 11 people. Just in case, I thought having 2 per person would be enough. I know that many people love them. 

We broke into the dark chocolate seder plate, and I had a Pesach peppermint patty for dessert. That plate is just as impressive as last year. There were a few bad reviews of it on Amazon, saying and showing pics of it arriving broken up. Ours was fine. Totally intact. In fact, it was difficult to break. Makes me wonder if they broke it up themselves just to make a negative review. We have a lot more Pesach desserts. There's pound cake, chocolate covered macaroons, chocolate macaroons, large marshmallows, and fruit jelly slices. (I think that's all the others.) I don't think I've had Osem's pound cake flavor previously. I've had their marble and chocolate chip cakes. Every time they've been amazing! Somehow very moist, soft, and the flavor is perfect. Sometimes it tastes better than regular cake. It's like magic. 

It was nice seeing everyone at the 2nd night's seder. Found out that one of the hosts' dogs had to be put down. She was having a lot of issues for a while. Both their dogs were/are big. It seemed kind of sad to only see Zoe, who's younger than the other one was. Hopefully, she has many more healthy years. 

I brought up my health stuff there. I didn't really want to bring it up, but when asked what I'm up to right now...I was honest about trying to get this health stuff taken care of. I told them about the awful treatment I got during my upper endo/colonoscopy, and how weird that GI was. They were understanding about it. There was one person that seemed not very 'with it' about the sex and gender thing (he wasn't hateful, just confused about it), but seemed well-meaning and did feel awful about what happened to me. Still haven't written/filed a complaint about it. I also briefly touched on the other health stuff I'm going through. It seemed like they wanted me to elaborate, but I didn't want to go into more of that. 

There was a lot of good stuff for the meal part. Last year, I remember not eating much of what was there. There were much fewer people, and a few things I either didn't like or would upset my gut. This year there were hard-boiled eggs, seemingly homemade gefilte fish (still had mini bones mixed in and didn't have that 'jarred' taste. I prefer the jarred ones more), matzo ball soup (theirs is never that great, always have to add so much salt), salad greens (we brought this, plus craisins and shredded carrots to mix in), Pesach popovers (obviously we brought these), cauliflower casserole thing, beef brisket, potato kugel (like a casserole), a fruit mix (pineapple, blueberries, grapes), Pesach chocolate chip cookies (the hostess makes these every year, and they're really addicting), fruit slices jelly candy, and Pesach peppermint patties. 

I've kept up with eating kosher for Pesach stuff so far. Last year I ended it early, because we went to Leavenworth during the middle of it. Still have some ideas for meals and there are quite a bit of snacks as well as desserts. Most years I don't make it to the end of the holiday. It gets too difficult at a certain point. Plus, it's not the greatest for someone with digestive issues to keep it up for long. If I end it early, at least I kept it up for half the holiday. 

I have an appointment to see my primary on Thursday. Yesterday I decided to make a list of my symptoms ordered from head to toe to prepare for it. I also went without Extra Strength Tylenol to see what it was like. Tylenol only takes the edge off. I'm still in a lot of pain while on it. I've been taking it for roughly a month straight, which isn't good. Might cause other issues later on if I continue to take 2 or 3 doses of it every day. I almost couldn't stand it when I was completely off of it. Noticed more things this way, too. 

My eyelid rash is worse, and may have spread a little to my nose, top tips of my ears, and my scalp. The scalp one I'm really unsure about, but there are certain areas that if I just touch them, they burn. I feel the same sunburn burn feeling I have with the eyelid rash in those areas. Not very visible with those, but neither was the eyelid area for a while. Felt the pain long before I could actually see it. 

My jaw joints feel really swollen. Somehow, I think that's affected my ears which are achy. My dysphagia is worse at times. Still taking Lansoprazole, and I don't notice any difference with that or the other gut stuff. I've been taking it since my follow-up with that GI. That was on the 9th. I've been very lightheaded, and have both chest and shoulder pain. I'm a little scared of that combo. 

All my muscles are worse with the pain and weakness. I have a weird circular rough patch of skin near my elbow. Both wrists are worse than before. The left one (which was the first one to be in pain) has a lump that feels like it's filled with something. Both hands hurt; joints and muscles. The knuckles are swollen, too. I'm constantly nauseous. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. There's some spine pain. Every so often, I've had bright red blood come out of my butt. Not just a little. My parent thinks that the ones who performed my colonoscopy might have punctured something. I'm not so sure about that. That just doesn't seem right to me. If it's not, then why is it doing that? It is disturbing either way. 

Looking up myositis again, I think a lot of my symptoms line up with dermatomyositis (dm) more than polymyositis (pm). The clear difference between them is one has skin-related signs, like rashes. Makes sense because 'derma' relates to skin. It's an inflammatory ('itis') skin ('dermato') and muscle ('myos') disease. Also, both dm and pm are rare autoimmune diseases. When I looked up dm, the pic that popped up next to the description looked like my eyelid rash. Makes me really lean towards that. I'm not a medical expert, but I'm oddly fascinated with learning about things I don't have answers for yet. Even if it's scary, I can't help but look into it. (Another possibility was lupus, but I highly doubt it.) I can always suggest that it might be this, also. If anything, they can test for it to eliminate that possibility. Oh, both dm and pm can cause arthritis. So, I could have both. Wahoo!

Whatever this is, it's getting worse every day. I thought about going to Urgent Care, but realized they wouldn't know what to do. Thought about going to the hospital, but I don't want to go there unless I'm on the verge of death. My mom passed away in the last local hospital I was in. That's enough of a turn-off. Plus, I've been hospitalized twice over a decade ago. It wasn't fun. (Constantly being called Princess and referred to as hon added to that.) Although, I remember one of those times the food was amazing! It would be scary if my primary suggests I go to the hospital after my appointment. If she does, I feel I wouldn't have much of a choice. The good sides to it would be they can ease my pain, monitor me, run a bunch of tests, and help me with whatever needs to be done right there. It's gotten to the point where it's hard to cope with. So, I don't know. Just need to make it to Thursday to see.

Got a new pillow recently. My really old one was beat up and didn't resemble a pillow anymore. The new one's a copper pillow. I didn't really care about that, but it was on sale, so why not? It's supposed to keep you cool, anti-microbial, and hypoallergenic. All I cared about was a sturdy fully stuffed pillow. It is, and it's pretty comfy. It lifts my head more than the other kind did in the past, but that's ok. 

I accidentally stepped on Rosie's tail this past weekend. I immediately felt really bad about it. She got up and hissed at me. As soon as she did, Tasha jumped off the bed and attacked her. First time I saw her do that. Normally it's the other way around. Apparently she felt she needed to protect me after that hiss. It scared Rosie enough she ran downstairs and hissed more along the way. Tasha stopped a few steps down, came back to me, and demanded attention. Also, not the usual. I'll take it, though. Felt bad for Rosie. All of this happened so quickly. 

Happy Belated Trans Day of Visibility!

I'll do my monthly post on here next time. TDoV was on March 31st. Non-binary does fall under the trans umbrella, so I'm also trans. Being trans just means someone's gender is not the same as they were assigned at birth. It doesn't mean to transition, it doesn't mean someone has gender dysphoria, and it's not just binary. Specifically, I'm agender, which means I have no gender. I posted about it on fb and Instagram. I even added a profile frame on fb, and shared that in my Instagram post. Many people liked that frame on fb. With the separate TDoV post, it seemed like most people didn't really read it. One person gave me advice on binders, and 2 people liked it. Not much. At least, I was more 'visible' about it than usual. 

That night was the start of the 2nd day of Passover, and we went to our friends' seder. There were a lot of people. About 15 altogether. I made enough popovers where people could have 2 each at theirs. They ended up eating up about half of what I brought. So, a lot to take home. Dad brought a lot of salad greens just in case. Ended up bringing a lot of that back home, too. 

At the beginning, we always sit around together, chat, and have snacks. One person I sat next to, I've known for a while and we're fb friends. She started talking about agender stuff, which was fine because I'm open about it and she knows that. At some point, she asked: "You're not trans, right?" It sounded almost like she was saying you're 'normal', right? I said yes, I'm trans, too.  Close to a whisper she asked: "So...does that mean...you know...you want to be a man?" No, no it doesn't. When I told her that non-binary is under the trans umbrella, she seemed flabbergasted. I really tried to keep my laughter in check, because I know people are still learning this stuff. She was never malicious. I don't think she saw the post I did the day before, but I've also been sharing trans and enby specific stuff. Maybe she thought the trans stuff was in support of my parent who's a trans woman? (Yay, for at least being 2nd generation!) She somehow could get her head around the concept being enby. She seemed to think after telling her I'm also trans that it meant that I was transitioning somehow. Personally, I will probably transition in some ways...It sounds weird to write that out. 

It was nice to see everyone there. I knew them all, except one who was someone's boyfriend. There was lots of food, and I was absolutely stuffed afterwards. The only issue I really had was the wording of their old haggadah. It's very masculine-centered. Saying our forefathers instead of ancestors, male pronouns for G-d, saying man (as in referring to everyone this way), etc. others had issues with it, too. So, people tried to reword it as they read their parts. Made it somewhat awkward, but nice that others felt similarly. The one I use isn't like that. It's much more neutral, and it's not all that new.

For our seder the night before, I might have made/planned for too much food for just Dad and I. I was very full afterwards. Used hard-boiled Safeway eggs, instead of making my own. They were perfectly done, and I tried to roast one of them even though it didn't have a shell. That worked out surprisingly well. I asked someone at Safeway's meat department if had chicken or lamb bones. After asking what it was for and my answer, he said the only thing they had at the moment were beef marrow bones. So I got one and roasted it. That was interesting to do. I might keep it for next year. It's impressive looking and doesn't take up much space. The jarred charoset is interesting. It's like jam, but much thicker and stickier. I wasn't used to it at first, but it's pretty good. It was great on garlic matzo crackers. I still have a lot of it left. 

Also, I got 2 jars of gefilte fish because I wasn't sure if we'd have guests. I don't think they're the ones I really like, but they're still ok. I always forget which ones I like the most. Made matzo ball soup and added carrots and parsley to it. Still have to get through what's leftover from that. Had roasted chicken from Safeway that was pre-cut, which was great. Only, they were huge pieces. I also made the chicken flavored couscous, which took a while to get rid of the excess liquid. That was tasty, though. Had a little of all the desserts we got that night, too. The cake, chocolate seder plate, marshmallows, macaroons, and fruit slice jelly candies. Great stuff. Still have so many leftovers from it. 

The honey flavored ring-shaped cereal is ok. A lot better than I expected. It doesn't dissolve into a nasty mess as soon as the milk touches it. In fact, it stays crunchy. Much better than when I had it in the past. Still have to get through that. The graham crackers are really good. Smelled amazing when I opened them. They're cinnamon flavored. The cinnamon is really strong, which wasn't what I expected. It's not as sweet as I expected either. The egg kichel (basically egg puffs) seem burnt again this year. They're still good. The cherry jam's pretty decent. The teriyaki sauce is amazing! It has no soy in it, yet it tastes like a concentrated version of the real stuff. 

I stopped following the dietary restrictions the day before I left for Leavenworth. I had Safeway's chicken teriyaki, chow mein, and a chicken egg roll for that dinner. What a way to end it! So much chametz! (Chametz are things leavened, breaded, noodles, etc.) Also, had a lemon parfait for dessert from there. That has a layer of cake, layer of pudding, layer of lemon filling, and a top layer of whipped cream. Good stuff. 

Went to Leavenworth early on Tuesday and came back yesterday. It was to celebrate my birthday and her spring break. My birthday was back in November, but we had planned to celebrate it there. (Just happened to be later than we thought it would be.) I think the last and only other time I was there was when I was 13. 13, because I think it was around my Bat Mitzvah, and my grandparents were with us. It makes sense. Part of that side of the family comes from Germany, so it's also more interesting personally in that aspect. Leavenworth is a Bavarian themed town in central Washington state. It's surrounded by mountains, and pretty much in the middle of no where. 

I think this was the first time I stayed overnight somewhere with my iPhone. I think the last place I went to, before this, was Scottsdale. That was a few years ago, and just before I got my iPhone. (My iPhone's the only smart phone I've had.) So, I wanted to share the adventure through pics, check-ins, and just writing it out in statuses. Might have been annoying to some, but it was fun to me.

Something felt off while I was there. I couldn't place exactly what, though. I don't know if it was the remoteness of it, the weather was weird, the food didn't sit well, or what. I just couldn't get comfortable or feel 'right'. I wonder if something happened while I was there when I was 13. Maybe there was something residual going on? Or, it could have been all the Christms stuff that was still there, and probably stays up all year round. Saw a lot of crosses, angels, and other Christian type stuff in the 'regular' shops. That's a deterrent for me, especially if there's a lot of it. 

I liked a lot of the food we had. Although, some of it was rather plain and not that great. Pretty much all the desserts were amazing! The Bavarian burger was weird, but ok. 

The hotel was nice. Only issue really was the bathroom being so narrow. We were in room 101. Right next to the front desk, near the car, and didn't need to use the elevator that was out of order. Their hot tub is apparently upstairs, but I didn't have a swim suit and didn't want to go up there. They were also painting the hotel pretty much right outside our room. At one point, someone knocked and said they were room service. When we opened the door they seemed surprised. Either it was a prank (they weren't wearing a uniform or anything) or they got the wrong number. After closing the door, that person decided to smoke right outside the door. That was weird. Difficult for me to breathe around people smoking. It was a non-smoking area, too. 

There were a lot of pillows on both beds. Beds were huge, too. Probably could fit about 3 more people my size on it. Much bigger than mine at home. It was firm, which was nice at first. After waking up, it made me feel sore. There were a ton of blankets, too. I felt like I got lost in the blankets, pillows, and large mattress. I was swimming in that stuff. Felt good most of the time, but felt suffocated the rest of the time. There was a refrigerator and microwave. That was cool. 

I got caramelized onion cheddar from the cheesemonger shop. You could try any cheese they had. They were pushing the samples before I had a chance to look around. This one was really unique and fun to try. I had it in a sandwich today. It was really good that way.

I also went to a shop that laid out samples of pretty much all their mustards, honey cremes, hot sauces, jellies, dressing, etc. There were bowls of pretzels to try the samples with. There were so many different kinds of mustards! I got their dill with a little honey mustard. I never had honey creme before, so those were fun to try. I got their vanilla nut honey creme. Another shop had a lot of huckleberry related things. Their wild huckleberry jam sounded the best. They didn't have samples, and I haven't tried it yet. It should be good. 

With almost every shop we went to we were greeted with a 'hello ladies'. I'm neither a lady nor a guy, so this grated on my nerves. Might be another reason why I felt so odd? 

There was one lady at a candle shop that greeted us with a 'hello folks'. It was such a small thing, but felt nice. They had 3 menorahs. I didn't expect to see any. Dad got a wooden wick candle. It crackles when it's lit. I thought that was cool. She also got tapered beeswax candles. For some reason, it's hard to find tapered candles and candlesticks locally. 

There was a jewelry/knickknack-type shop that had 2 LGBTQ+ related books in the back. That was cool to see. I also talked about writing with the owner. She was nice, but seemed nervous. 

There were a lot of candy shops. All of them had samples to try. I tried the maple walnut fudge at one of them. It was amazing! Probably would not have been wise to get...I would most likely eat the whole thing in one sitting. That's how good it was. There were a lot of bakeries. We shared a salted soft pretzel at one place. It didn't taste cooked enough to me, and didn't have taste pretzely to me. Good, though. 

Also, went to the Gingerbread Factory. I had their buttercream frosted gingerbread heart and spiced apple cider for a breakfast. I thought the frosting would be hard, but it was soft. The gingerbread was really soft itself. It was a big heart. It was really good, and so was the cider. They also make gingerbread houses. The main one that was on display was impressive. 

There was an olive oil and balsamic vinegar shop. They had a lot to sample there with bread. Slightly reminded me of that Israeli olive press I visited in the past. They had a sampling area. Anyways, Dad got the oregano infused olive oil. I was thinking about the pecan praline balsamic vinegar, but it was big bottle and I couldn't think of many things to use it for. It was really tasty and interesting. 

I finally have my hair appointment tomorrow. I didn't end up liking what they did last year with the Deva Cut. So, I'm going back to the stylist I went to a few years ago. She was the one that came up with a style I liked. That was after not getting a haircut for 7 years. She's great. I had her one other time before the one a few years ago. I should feel better after this. I might put it up in a bun less often after this. It'll be more out of my face. 

I'm thinking of getting a chest binder this month. I'm just nervous about getting the right size. It'd be cool to see how I feel with it. Again, I plan to get an Underworks one that's like a long tank top. That way, with warmer weather clothing, it won't show. Plus, tucking it in will make it ride up less. Someone suggested I should get a 2nd one for when I'm washing the first at least. I'll see how one goes, if it fits, for now. I'll make sure to follow how long I can wear it without causing damage.