27th of Cheshvan

It’s been a long time since my last post. I hardly ever go on my computer, and I could only blog through that before. It looks like Blogger now supports smartphones. I don’t think they have an app still, but I’m using Chrome for it. We’ll see how this goes. If it works out well, I can try to get into blogging again. Yay! I’ve been posting a lot about my health stuff on facebook. It’s kind of turned into a health blog that way. I also updated some of the lists on here. It was a little more difficult to do than on my computer, because of the order I put things in. For instance, I like to have the most recent show I finished at the top in my Netflix list. It likes to put the most recent entry at the bottom. Takes a little more time. Oh well. 

I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but I had tried out the Celebrate States monthly subscription for a while. That was kind of fun. Each month they send you stuff from a certain state. Each state’s a mystery until close to that month. They reveal it kind of early on facebook, but if you’re not following that, you don’t know. With each state they featured I tried to ‘virtually’ visit it. I’m a little behind on that, but it’s fun. I’m going through Texas right now. 

Anyways, they sometimes sent things like brochures/magazines, coloring pages with the state flag/flower/etc., and a map of what it produces and the counties. Interesting stuff. For my ‘visits’ I used those brochures/magazines and Atlas Obscura online. Now, it’s mainly Atlas Obscura. They have interesting places. 

Since I filled out a questionnaire saying I have cats, they would send a cat toy occasionally. That was nice. Some of the items were interesting. I got candles and soaps often. My parent thought the Syracuse black garlic salt was a good find, and might get more of that. I liked some of the tea it had. I don’t regret trying it out, however it started losing it’s value for me with the last few boxes. Seemed like we weren’t getting as much, items weren’t as good, and they stopped putting cat toys in it. The coloring pages were too kid-like, too. 

So, I decided to stop getting it yesterday. Apparently, they’re sending me one more box. It’ll be this month’s Thanksgiving themed one. I think it’ll be Pennsylvania. I don’t exactly know, but I thought I saw something on it. I don’t know why I’d be getting one more box. It’s not like I double ordered or something. I suppose it’s not bad. 

I decided to order another states thing called 50 States of Mine. There was only the premium box option. It’s only a little under $7 more than the Celebrate States one. Not that much of a difference. It’s more food based, no ‘kid’ things, usually has 8 or 9 items (which is more than CS had), has things that are related to what the state’s known for, and just seems better. This is based off of watching youtube vids on it and reviews. If I don’t like it, or the value isn’t really worth it, I can always try something else. There’s an Irish box I could try or others. Apparently, the box for this month is Kentucky. So fitting. It’s my birth month and that’s the state I was born in. Seems like it was destined for me to try. We’ll see. 

I’m still getting the Treats monthly subscription box. I like it a lot. It’s fun to see what they have for each country. Again, it features a different country’s snacks every month. October’s was Croatia and Serbia. First time they had 2 countries. It seemed like they were pretty evenly split with where each snack came from. The oddest one to me, seemed oddly one of my faves. It’s called Smoki, and it’s peanut flavored cornmeal pieces. They described them as shaped like peanuts. They looked more like cashews. They used real peanuts in it. It had a strong peanut and salty flavor. Interesting. If I didn’t like peanuts it would have been nasty. The worst tasting of the box sounded like it’d be good. It was sandwich cookies with chocolate in the middle. I don’t know how they messed that up, but I almost threw up trying it. The chestnut chocolate bar was strong, but pretty good. I haven’t had chestnuts that often. The only other time I think I’ve tried them was someone I know makes a stuffing with them. I hate it in that. Maybe it’s the way they make it? I don’t know. 

There was a time where my pain got much worse. I had to be readmitted into palliative care to get it back under control. It seems my body had grown more tolerant to the morphine. I was trying to sleep back in my old bed. I didn’t know if they were going to take the hospital bed because I was out of the program for a little while. My pain increased while I did that in my back, pelvis, and neck. The neck was new, so they were worried about that. So it was a combo of my meds and sleeping in a different bed. Turns out they weren’t going to take the hospital bed, so I went back to it. The pain was slightly better with that. We ended up increasing my dose of morphine by quite a lot. So much, apparently my pc doctor was worried I could overdose and ordered Narcan for me. My parent would have to use it to revive me. That doctor ordered it after they exited me from palliative care again. That was odd. Didn’t tell me about it, until I pressured them about it. It seems I’m stuck with sleeping in the hospital bed. It’s in the family room, which is an odd place to sleep. At least my pain is better. 

I recently had a CT scan, full bone scan, and neck MRI. The neck one was because of that new pain. Everything was stable. Been stable for a while. It’s not exactly the best, because there’s no improvement. It’s not getting better. Just the same. We’re trying to get it to NED or No Evidence of Disease. I might feel better if there was some sort of improvement. I wanted a second opinion from Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. I was told to wait for them to call me. They never did. There’s got to be something more to try. I just feel like I’m constantly waiting for the next tests, and just keep taking my oral chemo. There’s got to be a trial or something more I can do. 

I started xgeva several months ago. Last month was my 3rd dose of it. It’s supposed to strengthen my bones. Most people with bone mets need something like this. It’s a shot instead of infusion. It really hurts as it goes in. I get it in the back of my left upper arm. The nurse likes to go super slow with it, so it draws out the pain. She thinks it minimizes the pain. It doesn’t. It’s so much fluid, my arm gets sloshy. Hard to describe. I haven’t really had side effects, other then the pain at the injection site. It might have affected my dysphagia (difficulty swallowing), but we’re not sure. If it did, it’s a rare thing. 

About a month ago, Tasha, one of our cats, passed away. I know she was around 17 years old, but this was sudden. She literally just collapsed and was gone. She was asking to be put up on the banister to get to her food and water bowls, and seemed so happy. I looked away for a sec and was getting ready to pick her up, when she suddenly collapsed. She made a howling sound. We weren’t sure if she was gone and took her to the emergency vet clinic. They came back and told us she was already gone. It was hard and I miss her. We have her ashes in a nice looking box urn now. I think Rosie, our other cat, still looks for her sometimes. They did not like each other, but I think Rosie just wanted to play with her most of the time. Now it’s just Rosie. I think she likes being the only one now. 

My birthday’s coming up on November 7th. We got Rosie from the shelter around my birthday, so it’s kind of like hers, too. She got a birthday card from Chewy. That was nice. Chewy’s where we get her insulin from. Maybe she’d like a tuna cake or something. I’m not sure about what I want. We’re going to the Oak Table for brunch. That’s a nice place. I’d like to go somewhere for dinner, but I’m not sure where. I don’t know what I want to do for my birthday, but feel like I should do something. Maybe go to some sort of museum? I feel like each birthday’s even more important now, since I have stage 4 cancer. It gives a different perspective on birthdays. My parent keeps telling me to not postpone the fun. I’m trying to have as much fun as I can, but sometimes I don’t know what to do. 

I finished the Yiddish course through Duolingo. That was interesting. I tried their Hebrew one again, and it was awful. I’m doing their French one now. It’s much better and fleshed out, of course. They have stories and a podcast on top of the course. Much more developed. Lots of speaking exercises, which is what the other courses need. I took all the French classes that were available in high school. I still remember a lot. It’s kind of a weird language. I almost took a proficiency test back then that could have given me college credits and a trip to Paris if I passed. My teacher was encouraging me to take it, but I was too scared of it. I should have tried it. I always had good grades in it. I have a just over 200-day streak now on there. Longest I’ve ever had. Should be interesting to see how long I can keep it up. 

I’ve been getting buzzcuts for about a year now. Ever since my hairstylist heard about my cancer, she hasn’t charged me for it. She feels like it’s something she can do for me. It’s nice, but it still feels odd. Last time my hair grew much faster than usual. There was a lot. Having a buzzcut is so much easier to manage. I don’t even have to brush it. It’s nice. 

We got a freezer a few months ago. That’s been really handy. I’ve gotten things like blueberry pancakes, bean/rice/cheese burritos, carne asada burritos (from Trader Joe’s, and one of the best), teriyaki rice bowls, chicken melts with pita, and more. Good stuff for throughout the day. A variety of new things to try. It has made it easier to keep track of my calories and other nutrients. I don’t get as many dinners from the local markets as I did before, which is good. Those are like made for 2 people, but look like single servings, so it’s hard. 

11th of Nisan

A lot of things have happened since my last post. This is the first time I've probably been on my computer since at least March 10th. That's when I fell in the shower. My feet slipped, face-planted hard on the floor of the tub, slammed my right armpit hard over the edge of that tub (I think I was trying to break my fall), and bashed and bruised other areas. It took me a while to collect myself while I lay in the tub. Came super close to passing out, and saw 'flashes' of black. Then, I noticed I couldn't move my right arm and it was in extreme pain. I also couldn't get out of the tub. My parent said it sounded like a huge tree had fallen and asked how I was. She was able to get into my bathroom, see how I was, and called 911. The paramedics took a while trying to figure out how to get me out of there. Meanwhile, it was a bit embarrassing, since I was naked. They wrapped straps around me, and then pulled me out with a little help from trying to push myself up. They got me to my feet, put a sling on my right arm, helped me with putting on my pj's (at least draping the top over that arm), and whisked me away by ambulance to the ER.

I had broken my shoulder. More specifically, the head of the humerus bone where it meets up with the rest of the shoulder. It was almost a clean break and pushed in. Ended up with a nasty bump on my forehead, but with the amount of force, I thought it would be worse. 3 days after the fall, my feet started to swell. I thought it was a reaction from the prescription-strength Ibuprofen (it was only my 3rd dose of it), and stopped it. I elevated it often at some point (hard, since my knees still hurt from the fall), and the swelling got worse in my feet and traveled up to my kneecaps. Was like that for 3 weeks.

Had surgery on March 19th. That was to put the bone back in place, and hold it together with a metal plate and screws. Eventually, new bone will grow over the plate and screws, forming the way it should. They wouldn't allow my parent to go back with me for the pre-op stuff, which not only made it difficult emotionally, but she also had the specialized sling they wanted us to get beforehand, so right after the surgery part the nurse can put it on while I'm still asleep with the anesthesia. Eventually, they did allow her to give the sling to them, and met me in the recovery area. They weren't even going to allow her that. The hospital was so empty and quiet. Added to how I felt. Everyone there was pretty worried about my swelling, but the nurses more so. They decided to put some sort of massaging sleeves on both legs before the surgery. When I woke up, I had the worst leg cramps I can remember. The nurses looked nervous about it, but didn't do much. The nurses in the post-op area weren't as great. Especially one of them that didn't seem to know what she was doing. It was agonizing. 

Had the post-op appointment with my orthopedist on April 1st. He said everything was healing wonderfully. He gave me a printout of one of the x-rays they took that day, and a cd-rom of all the x-rays they've taken. I thought I wasn't doing enough, or behind, or something. I had only started the phase 1 exercises 3 days after the surgery. Same day I had to take off the dressings. It was easier that way. Couldn't do all 4 of those exercises together until a few days after that. He felt that I was on the right track. I shouldn't rush it, and if I push it too hard, I could damage the area. It'll take about a year to fully recover. Even then, it won't be as strong as it was. Right now, it seems my left arm has gotten stronger, since I've been using it for most things. At least, my right shoulder is getting better. He took off the steri-tape that was over the incision, too. It's around 6" long. A little bigger than I thought it'd be.

Went to Urgent Care the day before. I was seriously fed up with the swelling. Made it hard to move, sleep, and was really uncomfortable. At this point, it felt like my toes would fall off. It was that bad. When I moved, I had burning pain. Felt like a nasty sunburn on the tops of my feet. Anyways, I was there for 4 or 5 hours. They were being very thorough. With the new coronavirus regulations, they couldn't allow my parent to be there with me. That was difficult. 

They couldn't do anything for the swelling, since they didn't find a cause. There were no blood clots, kidneys were fine, etc. I was pissed about this. The one thing I came in for they couldn't do anything about. 

However, they found a lot of bone lesions on my ribs, left scapula (aka shoulder blade), pelvis, and I think spine. These only occur when there's cancer (pretty much any kind) or some sort of autoimmune disease. Pretty scary. They usually show up in older people. Since I have a family history of breast cancer (my mom had it, as well as grandma and one aunt on that side), they want to rule that out first. I have a mammogram and ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday. If they find something in those, they want me to schedule a breast biopsy on the same day. If not, the next step is getting a bone biopsy. That'll be from the areas affected. Scapula might be best, since it's close to the skin and there are less nerves. It'll be guided by a CT scan, I think. I'm terrified of this one. It's bad enough that my chest triggers a lot of dysphoria, and I'm a little too young to have a mammogram. I know it's essential, but I'm going to have a hard time. I'll have a full bone scan at some point, too. That sounds like an interesting one. I'll probably see an oncologist soon. Had a CT scan the same day as my orthopedist appointment, just to look at my chest and abdomen area. Made for a tiring day. 

At Urgent Care, they also found some pleural (lung lining) thickening. That doesn't just happen, either. I've had 2 lung issues in the past: pneumonia and pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in every air sac in my lungs). So, anything relating to them scares me. My D-Dimer was really high. I've learned from my doc that it could mean many things. My alk phos was high (although not as much as the other test). That usually has something to do with the liver. I have a thyroid nodule and gallstones. Those gallstones have probably been there for roughly a year. Went to the ER at the time for throwing up blood, and they found them then. My doc said since my gallbladder's walls aren't thickening, and doesn't seem to be bothering me, they're not going to worry about that now. There were no lymph nodes in places they shouldn't be. 

I suspect at least the lesions had something to do with both the fall and broken shoulder. Those lesions make it easier to break bones, and can weaken certain areas making it easier to slip. The weird pain and difficulty getting out of bed the week before my fall could have been from this. From what I've read, it sounds an awful lot like the common symptoms for it. I love how they're taking me seriously now about things. They weren't for the last year or 2. 

I feel super lucky that the fall happened when it did. I was approved for health insurance the day before, and got the card that night. The schools were (still will be for a while) closed and my parent, who's a school psychologist, had to work from home. Spring break technically starts tomorrow, I think. She's available to help me get to appointments and things, especially now. A lot of these tests/surgery are being labelled as urgent, otherwise they won't be able to do them until their system goes back to normal. My primary doc and the one I saw at Urgent Care want to push for these tests as fast as possible, so whatever it is doesn't progress.

The possibility of cancer also seems personal to me. My mom passed away from complications of both metastatic breast cancer and liposarcomas or abdominal tumors (2 huge ones, one right after the other). I saw what she went through. I don't want that. Creeps me out if it's some sort of bone autoimmune disease. 

I managed to finally go upstairs and sleep in my own bed Friday night. I had been sleeping in the recliner downstairs since March 10th. It was so nice to finally sleep there, and start using my bathroom again. The swelling has been going down a lot since then. Almost gone from my legs. They're sore, though. Might be from it being there for so long. Feet are better, but there's still a lot there. I can at least feel my toes. 

I haven't been able to get to much of my usual stuff because of all this. It's really been life changing. Trying to stay positive. Hard sometimes when I can't do much on my own. Might be able to take a shower soon. My orthopedist said it's ok to. I just would like a shower chair first. My parent, not long after the fall, put anti-skid strips on the floor of the tub. With both that and the chair, I should be pretty secure. 

Tasha has taken over my bed, and she was very upset when I started sleeping in it again. Interesting that she glomped onto it when I was gone. For the first few nights, she kept nudging me with her big paws and running around while I tried to sleep in the recliner. Rosie's been sticking to me a lot more. I think she's been trying to heal me. She knows somethings going on.

29th of Av

Finished the Comparison unit in Duolingo's Dutch course today, and made it halfway through the Kitchen one. Made it into the Promotion Zone for the Gold League. (I'm 8th right now, and the top 10 get to be in the 'zone'.) If I keep it up during the weekend, I might advance to the next league again. Only messed up a couple of times. I was surprised I got all the speaking lessons correct, since a lot of the new words were long and some I've had trouble with pronouncing for a while. Those are getting easier. The Kitchen unit has been fun and interesting. Some of their words for the kitchen stuff sound more fun than their English equivalents.

Finished a rough sketch of Junko's arms and torso. I think I like how she's coming along so far. Might be better than Shadow. I just have to figure out how exactly I want her legs positioned. 

Edited more of Alliance. I'm really breezing through it. I've gone through 15 pages of the ebook, and 21 pages of the print this week. I didn't do it on Monday. That's pretty good for 4 days, I think. I'm still finding a lot of mistakes, but some of it's also been just rewording things better. 

I played a little of the Sims 2: Seasons yesterday. That was fun. Created a new character and house. This is in a new version of a neighborhood I'm basing off of Alliance. The one I created yesterday was Shadow, the main character. The only other character in that neighborhood is based off of one of the 'villains' in the story. That one doesn't show up until the 3rd book, I think. The book that's only halfway finished. It feels like I get to mess around with my characters this way. I've also been using a cheat where you can increase their simoleons (their currency) to any amount you want. Making it easier to design their house, get what they want, etc. With Seasons, the sim can create their own garden and enter competitions with their produce. It's fun to see the weather change, too. There are penguins that show up when it snows, and especially if a sim is making a snowman. Sims can die if they get too cold, too hot, get struck by lightning, or stay out in the rain too long. There's more of a variety of clothes and house stuff with the expansion, as well. Adds more dimension to it. It'd be cool to try out the Sims 4 in the future, but this is still fun.

When I washed my hair the 2nd time since it was dyed, there was less color that came out. It still was surprising to watch it flow off me like that. The only time it stained my hands this time was when I was styling it. It wasn't nearly as bad as last time, and my fingernails are starting to look more normal. The staining on my skin has been coming off much faster. 

Made a tuna salad sandwich on an onion roll last night. I'm used to Rosie falling over herself to get some. However, Tasha was brave enough to run to me at the same time. She actually begged along with Rosie when I opened the can of tuna. That's rare. Rosie didn't fight her, either. I gave both of them chunks at the same time. Rosie finished hers first and ran over to Tasha. She didn't fight her for it. In fact, it almost seemed like she wanted to make sure she ate it. Tasha didn't shy away. They seem to be getting along even better now. At least, Tasha has become braver and mellower. It would be cool if, at some point, they end up sleeping and playing together. I won't hold my breath, though. 

Youtube:

One Piece:

Naruto:

Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler): Book of Murder:

Bungou (Literary) Stray Dogs:

Ghost Hunt (It's been a very long time since I've watched this anime. Also interesting to find a Ghost Hunt amv, since it's a relatively old one):

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei (Goodbye, Mr. Despair):

International Cat Day!

This holiday was yesterday. I love cats! I love other animals as well, but cats hold a special place in my heart. Been around them since I was born. Our current cats are a Turkish Van, Natasha (Tasha for short), and a tortoiseshell (aka tortie), Rosie. Tortoiseshell isn't technically a breed. It's based on the color of their coat. They're similar to calicos this way. She's a tabby (short hair), which has stripes along with the different colors. We went through a lot of names for her, but Rosie seems to fit so well. She's glomped onto me almost since we got her. Tries to take care of me, too. She has an issue with matted fur. The vet clinic had to shave most of the mats off recently, and I've been using a grooming glove twice a day since. The mats haven't come back. Her fur is so much softer and shinier now. She seems happy about it and begs to be groomed now. She'll 'groom' me at the same time by licking my free hand. So cute! 

Turkish Vans have long fur, but it's in a single layer instead of multiple. Makes it very soft. They often have color on the head and tail and sometimes parts of their legs/feet (she has some in those areas), and white for the rest of the body. Tasha is black and white. They're prone to polydactyly, which is lit. many fingers/toes. Tasha has that. Her paws are huge because of it. Yet, she has a small slender head. A collar doesn't fit her. She'll just wiggle out of it, if you manage to get it on her. She also barks like a dog when startled. Loves water. This might be because the breed comes from near Lake Van in Turkey. Pretty unique cat. Since we got Rosie, they've fought each other. However, they seem to be mellowing out. Tasha has become braver in the last couple of years. Wanting to stick around me, sleeping on my bed during the day, going downstairs and hanging out with us, watching things out the back door, etc. Things she wouldn't do before. She's standing her ground more, too. I think this has made Rosie feel even more jealous, but she's not attacking as often. 

Tuesday marked the 10-year anniversary of this blog! Wahoo! Never thought I'd keep it up for as long as I have on here. This will be the 1,049th post. It'll be cool if I keep it up in some form for another 10 years, at least. Hopefully, I can get back to posting more often. The year I posted the most was in 2010. Did better than most years last year. I've also created 3 other blogs on here. The 2nd one was on what I'd say to my mom after she passed away. Similar to writing letters to her, I guess. I had that completely private where no one but me could see it. I deleted that one, because it was painful to see after a while. The 3rd one was supposed to be on various different topics and my point of view on them. That became inactive after a few posts. Maybe I'll get back to it in the future. It was an interesting concept. The final one was on practicing my Japanese. I even switched to the Blogger Japanese base where the comments, headings, etc. are all in the language. They even email you in Japanese if there's an alert of some sort. It was cool. Might go back to it in the future, and/or make another language learning one. As an example, since I'm studying it right now, I could make a Dutch one. I did have a few comments on the Japanese one from actual Japanese people. That was nice. I've read you can create 100 blogs through Blogger. That's way too many to keep up with. I also like the lists feature. I can keep up with things and see what I've finished at a glance. The links list is probably not completely up to date, but that's good to have as reference, too. There's a lot you can customize. I stuck with one background/configuration until just a few years ago. It looks quite different now. I think I was forced to, because they weren't able to support the old version. I like it, even if it's taken me a little while to get used to. It's pretty great to be able to link to my books (with the cover art) with a widget on here, too. Even if I'm a little embarrassed by my 1st book after editing it. I need to go over the beginning yet again. Then I'll go through the sequel, and finally resubmit both of them for publishing. Anyways, this is like my little home online. 

I've been using Pandora since college. It's really gotten to know my 'tastes' in music over the years. (Of what's in their database.) I've loved that it picks new music based on things you've liked already. I recently got Pandora Premium. I had been using the free version. They give you the 1st month free, and then start the subscription. There are no ads and I think their recommendations have been much better. I haven't looked at My Thumbprint radio yet. I've just kept listening to my Shuffle one. It shuffles the ones I've thumbed up and suggests new tunes. I'm not sure how different Thumbprint would be. I guess I can see in the future. 

Recently started watching Naka no Hito Genome [Jikkyouchuu] (The Ones Within- Genome [Now Streaming]). It's been very interesting so far. A very different twist on a currently popular genre, isekai. Isekai (different world) is when people from our world are transported, reincarnated, or trapped in a parallel universe. Sometimes this works in reverse. It's usually fantasy or horror based, and a lot of them are influenced by or actually in their own video games (mostly rpg's). I think it's a fun one, but there have been a lot of them in the last few anime seasons. Some people are sick of them. This one has a group of gaming 'streamers' or video uploaders from our world transported to a place called 13th Avenue. Each player specializes in a certain type of game, like cultivation games, fighting games, puzzle games, horror games, etc. A man in an alpaca mask, called Paca, gathers them together and explains that they have to clear all the stages and collect tokens. They must reach 100 million viewers at the same time in the 'livestream'. The viewers are watching everything they do. Even when they're not participating in a stage. There are a certain number of people allowed to do each one. If you go against Paca the punishment could be deadly. They can die or be injured in the stages, too. It's really dark at times, which is my kind of thing. 

It got a bit personal for me in one of the last episodes I saw (I'm not up to date on the series yet). The main character, Akatsuki, has a similar dominant handedness as me. We're both essentially cross-dominant. We tend to prefer a certain hand for certain tasks, and this can switch at times. For instance, I mostly write with my right hand, carry an umbrella in my left, might kick a ball with either foot or catch it with either hand (depends on which is closest), eat with a fork and knife similar to a left-handed person but a little different (I've been told it's weird, but it makes the most sense to me) etc. They say he's ambidextrous, but was forced to do things like write with his right instead of left. They do suspect a lot of cross-dominants are actually ambidextrous, and it wouldn't surprise me if I was. Left-handed people weren't treated very well even when I was in elementary school. Scared me enough I tried to make sure I used my right hand for at least writing. I'm surprised they had a character like that.  

He has a stalker that's one of the gamers. She has a wall covered in pics of him, and has been 'studying' him since they met. She knew about the cross-dominant thing. I've had 3 or 4 stalkers in the past. 1 woman and 2 or 3 men. A couple of them had done a similar thing with pics of me. The 1st one I found out at a Jewish youth group camping trip. I think I was 14 or 15? He had made a shrine with pics of me, the shoe I lost that day, and candles all around in his cabin room. I accidentally found it along with a friend. Kept blowing kisses at me the rest of the trip, and followed me all the way home. Another one, a roommate at a dorm in college, had made a huge collage of pics of me sleeping and other times without my knowledge. She also wrote a 5-page letter that she gave me when I moved out. Funnily enough, I had to move because of another stalker. That one was much scarier/violent, but he never made collages of me. That I know of, anyway. The anime did bring back those memories. It was creepy enough with what she did/was doing in it. I like Akatsuki even more so now.  

Watched Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler): Book of the Atlantic. It's an anime movie based on the manga's Luxury Liner or Campania arc. Campania was the name of the ship. It was one of the best arcs in the manga. The zombies were introduced, a lot was revealed about Undertaker, and Lizzie has some major character development. A lot of people hated her before that arc. The zombies in it aren't exactly like how most are portrayed. They crave souls, not brains, and you can't be zombified if you're bitten/injured by them. There's a special way to make a zombie that only the fugitive shinigami (lit. death g-d, like the grim reaper) can do. He really was experimenting to try and bring back the dead, not necessarily make zombies. Recently, in the manga, he still hasn't truly perfected the process of making a person come back to life with their soul intact, awareness, memories, same personality, without needing blood transfusions, etc. He's come very close, though. I thought it'd be great to see. It wasn't available for roughly 2 1/2 years. I thought it was pretty well done. A lot of the animation was stunning. Lizzie's fight with the zombies really looked like a ballet, which is like how it was portrayed in the manga. It was oddly beautiful. Sebastian's 1st fight with them was portrayed as a crazy violent demonic dance. They came close. Interesting to see both animated. There's only so much the manga can do. They followed almost everything exactly the way it was in the manga, like the other 'Books'. There's a season on the Circus arc, and another on the Detective arc. I hope they adapt the other story arcs in the future. There have been several since. 

Finished Ultraviolet on Netflix. It's a Polish detective show. Ultraviolet or UV is an online amateur detective forum. They often solve cases much faster than the actual detectives, so there's usually tension between them. The main character, Ola, becomes a member after witnessing a crime. A retired cop and a detective friend help her and UV. The last case was more intense than the others. It'd be cool if another season came out. The characters were very likable. 

Started watching Deadwind, but decided to drop it. It's a Finnish detective show. There's not much humor (even dark humor), everyone looks so depressed, and the acting isn't great. 

Tried out Memories of the Alhambra last night. It's a fantasy Korean drama mostly set in Spain. It sounded really interesting and is highly rated. Dropped it after that first episode, because I couldn't get passed how much of a jerk the male lead was, and weak the female lead was. Seemed sexist. The scenery and game stuff was impressive, though. I brought up what I thought about it in my feed on MyDramaList, and people really seem mixed on it. Some said you should just ignore the female lead. It's supposed to be only about the man. Focus more on the game. Others also hated the sexism and couldn't get passed 1 or 2 episodes. Everyone agreed that there was sexism in it, yet the ones that loved it thought it wasn't a big deal. I wonder if there's a lot of sexism amongst Asian drama fans or they just ignore it? I don't watch that many romance dramas, but it seems like a theme in most of them of that genre around the world. Particularly of non-LGBTQ+ romance shows. I've watched some other types of Korean shows, usually detective ones, that didn't really have that element. In fact, the women were kickass and strong both physically and personality-wise. So, it doesn't seem like just a cultural thing to me. I'll try Possessed next. It's a Korean supernatural detective show. 

Wednesday, we went to the dump and recycled a lot of styrofoam. Got rid of the old computers (Mom's, my parent's, and mine), printers, monitors, and keyboards. There was also a cat bed that neither cat really was into, a rope I got from my horse management class, and some of my really old bedding. Felt a little sentimental about the rope, but it was ragged, pricked me every time I touched it, really old, and there really isn't anything I'd use it for. I think it was one of the ropes I used with the horse assigned to me. He was one of the most abused horses and took a while to break. After that he was glued to me. He wouldn't let anyone else touch him, and was super jealous if I took care of another horse. Was super gentle with me, and if he thought he stepped on me he was beside himself and visibly looked hurt. There were a couple of times like that, but he just would graze my shoe. I hope he found a nice home after the stables were torn down. The new electronics made a lot of styrofoam. It was nice we could find a place to recycle it. 

While we were out around Tacoma, we decided to go to Half Price Books. I found a cookbook called the Joy of Chinese Cooking for about $6. Thought that was really good. It's from the early 80's, so might not be the best. There's a lot of fried dishes. (Like deep-fried, not referring to stir-fried.) I'm not sure if that's really the way authentic Chinese food is. It does indicate things like what's classic, what's festival/party food, what utensils/methods to use, time, and more. That's handy. They don't always list amount of servings, which makes it a little difficult. There's also info on how the Chinese view food, philosophy of it, etiquette, cookware, history of some ingredients, etc. That stuff's always interesting to read about. We went to another HPB, but I didn't find anything else. Last time I went to HPB I found a cheese encyclopedia for around $2. It wasn't thin and was in good shape. That's been interesting. Haven't looked at it often, but it's a wealth of info just sitting there. It features cheeses from around the world, even from places most people don't think about. It'd be cool to try out more cheeses and look them up beforehand. 

Went to Krispy Kreme after all that. Needed something with my 'dinner' pills, since I knew I'd have a late dinner and I need to stick to having my pills at certain times. Have to have food with them. I've only been there once or twice, and it's been a very long time. Got their cake batter donut and chocolate milk. I didn't know they had different fillings besides custard or lemon. This was cake batter flavored frosting. It was surprisingly light and tasty. Hadn't had chocolate milk in an even longer time, so that was an experience, too.

I did manage to mostly stay away from social media last Shabbos. (Friday night until Saturday night. Shabbos is Yiddish for Shabbat, and Shabbat is our day of rest.) It felt nice. Haven't done that in a while, and it felt more like a 'rest' this way. I also got to lighting the candles, saying the blessings, and attended online services for both Friday night and Saturday morning. Did quite a lot more than what I have been doing lately. I used to try to at least do the candles/blessings. Hopefully, I can do the same things as last time this Shabbos. I was kind of disappointed by last Saturday morning online services, because they had technical difficulties and just reuploaded the service from the week before instead. Didn't realize it until about halfway through. Felt a bit off. The night one was nice, though. They seem like a much more diverse congregation than some out there. Probably because they're in NYC. It was still cool to see.  

National Pecan Pie Day!

I love pecan pie! Pecans are one of my fave nuts (walnuts are up there, too). The only downside to pecan pie now is I can't have whole or a lot of pieces of nuts. It's somewhat of a trigger food. They irritate the scarring in my colon. Sad that I'm supposedly in remission and still have to look out for that stuff. Maybe I can have it if it's the ground up filling. It's not the same, though. I'm happy for those that can enjoy it the way it should be.

For Dutch, I did all of the Pr. Per. 2 unit and some of Food 2 in Duolingo. The Food 2 one has been funny and interesting. Quite a few idioms. One of them translated to: You are a pancake! Apparently, this means the person's an idiot. They seem to have a thing for pancakes, too. There was another one that was kind of sad: I eat and sleep with mice. Haven't found anything on that one online, but it certainly sounds like one. Peanut butter is pindakaas. That's lit. peanut cheese. I was a little puzzled and grossed out by that and looked it up. There are a couple of reasons why they refer to it as cheese. They were introduced to a peanut product in Indonesia that looks and is sliced like cheese, before they heard about the modern day version of peanut butter. Another reason is they can't call something butter or boter if it doesn't have dairy. However, doesn't cheese normally have dairy? Someone asked in a forum about calling it pindapasta or peanut paste instead. They apparently use paste to refer to something sweet. Another person asked about the word for spread or smeer, and people agreed that would have been better. There's no reason why it shouldn't have been that way. I guess peanut butter's a mystery thing there. 

Tasha decided to pee on my closet door/carpet under it a couple of days ago. She did it while standing, which was weirder. It threw me off. She doesn't usually throw up, pee, or poop in my room. Even to her it seems off limits. Once I yelled at her, she stopped, acted confused, and ran away. That makes me wonder if she's got something going on. She is the eldest at around 13 or 14 years old. Rosie's 3 years younger. She's peeing more often out of the box. I've seen 'evidence' on my bathroom floor often. I keep it closed, but it seeps in underneath the door. Anyways, I cleaned what she did to my closet floor with carpet cleaner. Ever since, she's been avoiding that area. That's a plus.

Even though I'm still in a lot of pain every day (not just in my wrists), I managed to sweep and clean my bathroom floor. It was so bad, I had to get on my hands and knees and scrub it with a sponge (that had Mister Clean) after I swept it. A mop wouldn't have helped. With the excess grime that came off, I used a towel to wipe it away. Now it looks nice and clean. I also got to cleaning the mirror. Pretty proud of myself for getting to all that. Hurt a lot afterwards, but it really needed to be done. The only reason it had been such a long time was because of my health. Hopefully, I can get the rest of the room done soon. 

Youtube:

Bungou (Literary) Stray Dogs:


Black Clover:

4th Day of Pesach!

Tonight is the start of the 5th day of Pesach or Passover. I managed to cook (although I planned to not do as much as usual), prepare, set, and lead our family seder Friday night. Despite my health deteriorating. Felt accomplished afterwards. Even if it was just for my parent and I. 

I roasted a beef marrow bone this time. Safeway had ran out of their soup bones (which is what I got last time), so I went to Central Market to see what they had. Felt a bit panicked that I wouldn't find a bone...They had them in the 'extra' meat section. Same place as the beef tongue, chicken schmaltz, chicken feet, organ meats, etc. It was easy to roast. I'm keeping it in the freezer so I could use it next year, too. Used to do that with an actual roasted lamb shank bone (that's traditionally what it's supposed to be) for years. It became petrified. Looked cool.

'Roasted' the egg for the plate by holding a hard-boiled egg with tongs over a stovetop burner's flames. Took longer than expected, but certainly not as long as putting it in the oven. Plus, I was able to monitor it better. Hard-boiled eggs in the oven can explode. I've only done that a couple of times. 

We had the usual appetizers: hard-boiled eggs, matzo, and gefilte fish. I got a lot of hard-boiled eggs from Safeway, which made it so much easier. Made matzo ball soup. Used chicken broth instead of water, and added carrots, celery, and parsley. I should have used reduced sodium broth, because it ended up really salty. I like that, but it was on the verge of too much. There's a lot of sodium in the balls and soup flavoring mix. The matzo balls turned out just right. Fluffy, but with some structure to them. 

We had roasted chicken, Pesach roasted garlic couscous, salad with craisins and shredded carrots, and Pesach popovers. I tried using the orange ginger sauce as a dressing, and the ginger was way too strong. I made 24 (2 batches) popovers this year. I know we'd have 2 at our seder, and our friends' seder the next night had 11 people. Just in case, I thought having 2 per person would be enough. I know that many people love them. 

We broke into the dark chocolate seder plate, and I had a Pesach peppermint patty for dessert. That plate is just as impressive as last year. There were a few bad reviews of it on Amazon, saying and showing pics of it arriving broken up. Ours was fine. Totally intact. In fact, it was difficult to break. Makes me wonder if they broke it up themselves just to make a negative review. We have a lot more Pesach desserts. There's pound cake, chocolate covered macaroons, chocolate macaroons, large marshmallows, and fruit jelly slices. (I think that's all the others.) I don't think I've had Osem's pound cake flavor previously. I've had their marble and chocolate chip cakes. Every time they've been amazing! Somehow very moist, soft, and the flavor is perfect. Sometimes it tastes better than regular cake. It's like magic. 

It was nice seeing everyone at the 2nd night's seder. Found out that one of the hosts' dogs had to be put down. She was having a lot of issues for a while. Both their dogs were/are big. It seemed kind of sad to only see Zoe, who's younger than the other one was. Hopefully, she has many more healthy years. 

I brought up my health stuff there. I didn't really want to bring it up, but when asked what I'm up to right now...I was honest about trying to get this health stuff taken care of. I told them about the awful treatment I got during my upper endo/colonoscopy, and how weird that GI was. They were understanding about it. There was one person that seemed not very 'with it' about the sex and gender thing (he wasn't hateful, just confused about it), but seemed well-meaning and did feel awful about what happened to me. Still haven't written/filed a complaint about it. I also briefly touched on the other health stuff I'm going through. It seemed like they wanted me to elaborate, but I didn't want to go into more of that. 

There was a lot of good stuff for the meal part. Last year, I remember not eating much of what was there. There were much fewer people, and a few things I either didn't like or would upset my gut. This year there were hard-boiled eggs, seemingly homemade gefilte fish (still had mini bones mixed in and didn't have that 'jarred' taste. I prefer the jarred ones more), matzo ball soup (theirs is never that great, always have to add so much salt), salad greens (we brought this, plus craisins and shredded carrots to mix in), Pesach popovers (obviously we brought these), cauliflower casserole thing, beef brisket, potato kugel (like a casserole), a fruit mix (pineapple, blueberries, grapes), Pesach chocolate chip cookies (the hostess makes these every year, and they're really addicting), fruit slices jelly candy, and Pesach peppermint patties. 

I've kept up with eating kosher for Pesach stuff so far. Last year I ended it early, because we went to Leavenworth during the middle of it. Still have some ideas for meals and there are quite a bit of snacks as well as desserts. Most years I don't make it to the end of the holiday. It gets too difficult at a certain point. Plus, it's not the greatest for someone with digestive issues to keep it up for long. If I end it early, at least I kept it up for half the holiday. 

I have an appointment to see my primary on Thursday. Yesterday I decided to make a list of my symptoms ordered from head to toe to prepare for it. I also went without Extra Strength Tylenol to see what it was like. Tylenol only takes the edge off. I'm still in a lot of pain while on it. I've been taking it for roughly a month straight, which isn't good. Might cause other issues later on if I continue to take 2 or 3 doses of it every day. I almost couldn't stand it when I was completely off of it. Noticed more things this way, too. 

My eyelid rash is worse, and may have spread a little to my nose, top tips of my ears, and my scalp. The scalp one I'm really unsure about, but there are certain areas that if I just touch them, they burn. I feel the same sunburn burn feeling I have with the eyelid rash in those areas. Not very visible with those, but neither was the eyelid area for a while. Felt the pain long before I could actually see it. 

My jaw joints feel really swollen. Somehow, I think that's affected my ears which are achy. My dysphagia is worse at times. Still taking Lansoprazole, and I don't notice any difference with that or the other gut stuff. I've been taking it since my follow-up with that GI. That was on the 9th. I've been very lightheaded, and have both chest and shoulder pain. I'm a little scared of that combo. 

All my muscles are worse with the pain and weakness. I have a weird circular rough patch of skin near my elbow. Both wrists are worse than before. The left one (which was the first one to be in pain) has a lump that feels like it's filled with something. Both hands hurt; joints and muscles. The knuckles are swollen, too. I'm constantly nauseous. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. There's some spine pain. Every so often, I've had bright red blood come out of my butt. Not just a little. My parent thinks that the ones who performed my colonoscopy might have punctured something. I'm not so sure about that. That just doesn't seem right to me. If it's not, then why is it doing that? It is disturbing either way. 

Looking up myositis again, I think a lot of my symptoms line up with dermatomyositis (dm) more than polymyositis (pm). The clear difference between them is one has skin-related signs, like rashes. Makes sense because 'derma' relates to skin. It's an inflammatory ('itis') skin ('dermato') and muscle ('myos') disease. Also, both dm and pm are rare autoimmune diseases. When I looked up dm, the pic that popped up next to the description looked like my eyelid rash. Makes me really lean towards that. I'm not a medical expert, but I'm oddly fascinated with learning about things I don't have answers for yet. Even if it's scary, I can't help but look into it. (Another possibility was lupus, but I highly doubt it.) I can always suggest that it might be this, also. If anything, they can test for it to eliminate that possibility. Oh, both dm and pm can cause arthritis. So, I could have both. Wahoo!

Whatever this is, it's getting worse every day. I thought about going to Urgent Care, but realized they wouldn't know what to do. Thought about going to the hospital, but I don't want to go there unless I'm on the verge of death. My mom passed away in the last local hospital I was in. That's enough of a turn-off. Plus, I've been hospitalized twice over a decade ago. It wasn't fun. (Constantly being called Princess and referred to as hon added to that.) Although, I remember one of those times the food was amazing! It would be scary if my primary suggests I go to the hospital after my appointment. If she does, I feel I wouldn't have much of a choice. The good sides to it would be they can ease my pain, monitor me, run a bunch of tests, and help me with whatever needs to be done right there. It's gotten to the point where it's hard to cope with. So, I don't know. Just need to make it to Thursday to see.

Got a new pillow recently. My really old one was beat up and didn't resemble a pillow anymore. The new one's a copper pillow. I didn't really care about that, but it was on sale, so why not? It's supposed to keep you cool, anti-microbial, and hypoallergenic. All I cared about was a sturdy fully stuffed pillow. It is, and it's pretty comfy. It lifts my head more than the other kind did in the past, but that's ok. 

I accidentally stepped on Rosie's tail this past weekend. I immediately felt really bad about it. She got up and hissed at me. As soon as she did, Tasha jumped off the bed and attacked her. First time I saw her do that. Normally it's the other way around. Apparently she felt she needed to protect me after that hiss. It scared Rosie enough she ran downstairs and hissed more along the way. Tasha stopped a few steps down, came back to me, and demanded attention. Also, not the usual. I'll take it, though. Felt bad for Rosie. All of this happened so quickly. 

National Pizza Day!

Pizza is very versatile. This holiday was actually on Saturday. It's another one of my faves. I love BBQ chicken, Greek, Mexican, Alfredo, pesto, cheese (multiple types in one), and more. There could be different types of dough, sauces, cheeses (some don't even have cheese), and toppings. There are even dessert pizzas, which feel more like giant cookies...My mom and I used to get individual pre-cooked pizza rounds (the plain base), then we'd put whatever toppings/sauces we wanted on, and heat them up in the oven. We came up with some interesting combos. There are interesting rather unique flavors at a local market called Central Market. They have a new one each month. Things like jalapeno popper, cheeseburger, baked potato, etc. 

It's been snowing a lot today. We already had about 8-10 inches from the last dump on Saturday. Schools have had 3 snow days (I think), and will be closed again tomorrow. It seems to be the most snow this area has seen. I don't think it's cool that people have been making fun of the 'snowmageddon' here. This area isn't used to much snow, and many people live in rural areas. There are so few plows, they have to designate which streets have more priority. Ours isn't a primary 'priority'. We've only seen the plows once and that was last night. They didn't do much. The terrain makes it especially difficult with this much snow and ice. It's a different experience than what people have to deal with and are used to in other parts of the country. Plus, I don't think people realized how much we were actually going to get. To be honest, the ones that went to the markets to stock up were smarter about it. Sometimes people don't keep enough food in their house for more than a couple of days, too. People are also likely to lose power when it's like this. Great to be prepared. We should encourage that, not make fun of it. It seemed kind of snobby.

We went to Safeway and Central before it really started snowing. There were a lot of bare shelves. It was interesting to see what people thought were necessities. The bananas were completely gone at both places. There were hardly any of the fruits we normally get. They were also running out of chicken, bread, tortillas, eggs, milk, flour, beer, sugar, hot chocolate, and firewood. I remember an entire section of a certain cut of chicken was out at Safeway. That surprised me. I don't remember what cut it was. Firewood's understandable. You want to be able to keep warm even if the power goes out. Hot chocolate when it snows and is cold, also makes sense. Beer? I don't know, but then again I don't drink it. There were really long lines at both places. Luckily, we weren't getting much and went through the express lines. 

We will have to go out again soon. I have a feeling it's going to stick around for a while. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to my gender therapy appointment on Thursday. They might tell me to reschedule because they might not be open, or I might need to myself. I don't like that uncertainty. 

I've been so distracted by it...I don't think the cats like it much. There's been a lot of foot flicking from both, Rosie had a droopy ear (when it first started snowing), both have been sleeping a lot in my room, Rosie's scratched at the sliding glass back door while watching the flurries, she's meowed at it, and more. It probably looks like the sky is falling to them. I'm a little concerned, since the lights have been flickering, that our power might go out.  

I've managed to study Korean every day this past week except yesterday. I'm starting to get it more. Slowly being able to read it. It's interesting that they stick their word for be, exist, is, there, has, etc. to almost everything. It seems to always be at the end of a sentence, too. Also, interesting that girl is lit. woman child, and boy is lit. man child. They seem a lot more direct with things. Still no speaking exercises, but maybe they'll have them later on. 

Edited more of Alliance today. Didn't feel like practicing my clarinet. I have a another earache and headache. Blowing into it would have made me feel worse. It might be because of pressure changes related to the weather. I don't know, but it's awful. Tried to draw folds in Shadow's clothes, but was too distracted. At least, I saw some tutorials on it. 

Read more of MAR Omega. A familiar character from the first series showed up, Alvis. For a while, he was jerky until he got to know Ginta. He still seems to have an arrogance to him, but is nicer to people. 

Started going back to Goodnight DJ on Netflix recently. It's a Malaysian drama in Mandarin. An anthology of short stories based around radio DJ's and radio in general. It's kind of like the Twilight Zone. In fact, they refer to it in one of the stories. Most have had horror elements, but the others are just nice supernatural stories. Most are full of camp and humor. Also, some of them remind me a bit of the Scary Movie franchise, only not as raunchy. I wasn't sure about it at first, but it really grew on me. I think I was unsure because there wasn't much info on it and didn't know what to expect. I like this sort of thing, though. 

National Hot Tea Day!

This holiday's tomorrow, but I won't be posting that day. I love tea! Might have too much of it during the day...Most of the time, the only things I drink are water and tea. So, I'd rather have the 'flavored water' more often than plain. Hot tea is like a hot bath for your insides. So nice. I think it's helped my gut issues a little, too. Plus, there are so many different flavors and types. It's not as limited as some people think. I usually add Splenda to mine. It doesn't add any calories, yet sweetens it nicely. If it's something like chai, I might add a little milk. 

Woke up feeling really weak and sick. Yesterday afternoon, I had really awful intestinal cramping. So bad I felt like I couldn't go on my 2-mile walk. When it's like that it's not just the pain, but I sometimes need to go to the bathroom more often. I didn't want to be stuck out there needing to go, but too far from home to make it in time. It lasted pretty much until I went to sleep. Halfway through the night, I felt like I had a massive deep wound on my side, and like I was bleeding profusely. I obviously didn't have a visible wound, but it made it harder to sleep than usual. I still have that stabbing searing pain. A bit scary. I know I'll likely go out later for groceries, so I'll have that as my 'walk' for the day. There are restrooms at both grocery stores near us, so it's safer for me that way. I don't like these recent symptoms. Reminds me too much of how things were when I was diagnosed. There are some differences, at least.

Managed to get to most things I hadn't gotten to in a very long time. Even longer for doing them on a daily basis. Yay! Makes me feel a bit happier, even if my body's feeling worse...I realized I could be more flexible with the time I spend doing them. They don't have to be set. If I get up late, I can do half or quarter of the time I normally would. I'd still get to them. 

I've also been trying to be healthier with things. Kept up with being more strict with my diet. (I can eat as much as I want starting tonight! Wahoo!) I was pretty bad about brushing my teeth regularly. Now that I have this week, they feel a lot healthier. I'll try to floss more next week. I've stuck to setting my alarm to 8 1/2 or 9 hours from when I get in bed. That's felt a lot better, too. I wake up a lot through out the night, but at least I try to shoot for a longer amount of time sleeping this way. 

It was a bit difficult at first to keep away from social media, but I managed to pull it off this week. It's been nice. I can focus on a lot more things. I know I can catch up on some of it this weekend. People might get flooded with things I share on fb, but it's my page. (They might get a lot of likes, too.) I've also thought about sharing my faves from dA on fb. A lot of the art I've seen lately on fb hasn't been that great. They haven't felt shareable, at least. 

I'll try to be more active on the forums, too. Speaking of which, my response to 2 threads recently on AVEN has gotten more reacts than usual for me. One was asking about what it's like to be a sex-repulsed ace, since their main character in their novel is. I'm a weird mix. Being sex-repulsed, sex-positive, and really curious about it. Only repulsed when it's directed at me or is in very graphic detail. Sex-positive, meaning I'm for sex ed, talking and joking about it (I've been told that I have the 'dirtiest' mind), and having as much or as little sex as people want with consenting adult partners. Curious about the sensation, I guess. (For lack of a better word...) I find sex in media a waste of time often. Like the people who created it lack creativity, and added sex scenes to fill time. I'm ok if it's implied. I don't have to sit through it. I usually look away when they show it. I'm ok with seeing people nude in a non-sexual way in media, too. Got a lot of likes for this one, and some commented that they agreed with me. Often sex-repulsed aces are thought of in a certain way, when we're really all different. We're not innocent and naive little beings, either. (We're infantalized often. More so than other aces.) I hope this helped them with their character. 

Another thread was in the gender section. Someone asked us to describe our gender without just saying what the label is. So, not just saying agender for me. I thought my response might have been too long, and didn't expect any response. I had even more likes for it...Maybe because I went into detail with how I feel? Maybe because I went into what I was thinking when I was trying to figure it out? One question kept coming up for me: What does it feel like to be a woman or a man? I can see it in other people, but nothing's there for me. Not even slightly masculine or feminine. I asked other people about it hoping for insight. The answers were either vague or I couldn't relate. That's just a snippet of what I mentioned. 

Tasha's still been sleeping on my bed during the day. Sometimes at night, too. She's getting used to me slipping into bed next to her at night, in order to watch things on my phone under the nice warm heated blanket. Her fave spot is close to my pillow, which seems a bit odd. She hasn't been throwing up as often as before. In fact, I don't think she has since she's staked out my bed. She actually purred loud enough for me to hear today. Usually it's very softly and I have to put an ear to her side in order to hear. She seems so much happier. Nice to see. A couple of nights ago, I actually had both cats with me on the bed as I watched things. I love seeing 2 happy cats. It was so cute and heartwarming. Haven't had 2 cats with me at the same time while in bed in a very long time. Of course, Tasha didn't stay for long.

Youtube (I might make Friday a YT day, if I've found vids in between):

Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler):

Naruto Shippuden:

Fairy Tail:

Boku no (My) Hero Academia:


One Piece:

D.Gray-man:

4th of Shevat

Finished the V. Modal unit in Duolingo's Italian course. Started and almost finished with the Cond. Per. one. Only had a few mistakes this time. Oh, now every time I see my Dove body wash and shampoo/conditioner, I think of the Italian word that's spelled the same way but pronounced differently. (Pronounced: doh-vay.) It means 'where' in English. Feels like it's asking me where every time I use those... 

Read more of Helck. Haven't read it in a while. It was revealed that they're in an apocalyptic distant future. I thought it was just a fantasy world. They do occasionally mention their year. Apparently, the 'poison air' surrounding the demon empire is radiation from nuclear fallout hundreds of years ago. Both the demons and humans revere a people called the Ancients in their texts. That's us. They were trying to come up with better and more evolved humans. The experiments went horribly out of control, and they had to nuke the area. (I'm not sure if it was all of Earth.) Few survived. I think the demons are actually mutated humans. That experiment, which seems to have been some sort of virus, was passed on to the ones that call themselves humans now. They've been testing it, and the ones that survive turn into winged soldiers that never die, but eventually lose their minds. The others turn into 'monsters' and are exterminated. A lot of it makes sense now. However, I'm still not sure how the 'king' controls the soldiers with it. I didn't know they'd go so deep with this. It started off like a light-hearted comedy, but turned seriously dark quickly. There's still plenty of humor, though.

Tried to mess with Shadow's torso again. It's slowly turning out the way it should. I still have to shape it to how I want. Might take a while. They do say that it takes practice to get that stuff down.

Practiced my clarinet. Played more klezmer. Edited more of Alliance. Almost to the 11th chapter. Yay!

Started watching Doukyonin wa Hiza, Tokidoki, Atama no Ue or My Roommate is a Cat (sometimes translated lit. to: My Housemate is Sometimes on My Lap, Sometimes on My Head). It's about a mystery novelist, Subaru, and a cat, Haru, he took in. He found the cat at his parents' grave. (They both passed away at the same time, I think.) The novelist hates people, and before he met the cat, he was only interested in books. He doesn't know much about cats. Haru was a stray, and had a tough life up until then. It was interesting that they showed her perspective, too. This was better than I thought it would be. 

With the first episode, it seemed very much like my relationship with Rosie. He forgets to eat sometimes, and Haru kept trying to give him hints to eat. Putting pieces of her kibble at his bedroom/office door a few times, scratching at the door, and then dragging her food bowl to it. Eventually, after scolding her for being too distracting, he passes out. A little later, in a half conscious state, he grabbed cat food from the bowl, ate it, and went on a weird writing rampage on memos near him. She was surprised, but proud to have 'saved' him. One of my occasional symptoms with colitis is not feeling hunger. It happens even when I'm in remission. I sometimes forget to eat because of it. (I usually try to set an alarm when I feel like that.) Rosie will meow at me while I'm in my room, and sometimes scratch at the door. If I get up, she'll bite my pant leg and try to drag me with her. Once I go downstairs, she'll run to her food bowl, make like she's going to eat, stare at me, stare at the refrigerator, and then back to her bowl. She'll repeat this until I start making something. If I don't, she'll eventually grab me again. She sits patiently on the hard floor next me as I make something in the kitchen. She'll then follow me to where I eat, wait a moment to make sure I'm eating, and then walks away. If I don't finish my food, she runs back to me, and lays against me (not letting me get up) until I finish it. She does a similar thing normally, but not as demanding about it. She's very happy when I eat, too. I think she thinks she keeps me alive or something. It's cute, nice to have a creature care about me so much, yet kind of creepy at the same time. She seems to do more than what Haru did. Some people commented that what Haru did wasn't realistic. It seemed pretty real to me. The creator probably based Haru off their own cat. Maybe they're not cat owners? Also, cats aren't all the same. I was surprised by Rosie doing that, too. 

Finished watching The Ancient Magus' Bride. I liked some of it, but there was a lot that was problematic. Plus, it seemed...pretentious. There was a lot of hype when it came out. I waited to watch it, because there was way too many other anime that I wanted to watch that season. They tried to make everything whimsical and magical. It fell a bit flat and seemed forced on that front. People were praising the music, but I found it too overdone. The art was great. The main problematic part came at the very beginning. A suicidal 15 year old girl, Chise, being sold to an emotionally stunted 500 year old male demon, Elias. Then, telling her to be his apprentice and that she's his bride. He doesn't understand the concept behind what a bride is. A lot of people felt uneasy about this. They even tried to explain it away in the show. Then, proceeded to romanticize it. Some people were defending it and saying it's a fantasy world and things are done differently. That's weak to me. It sends a creepy message. Not to mention a lot of the 'good' characters either tried to kill Chise or kidnapped her. They brought up a lot of Celtic folklore, but it seemed like they didn't do much with it. Kind of like spewing it out and having it there just because it seemed cool. Some of it they actually did incorporate, but not much. I really liked Ruth and Silky (aka Silver), though. Silky was once a banshee. She cried out so long, she lost her voice. So, she did a lot of grunts and such. She takes care of the house. Ruth is Chise's familiar who's a black grim. He has dog and human forms. The last episode seemed forced, rushed, and somewhat gag-inducing. I'm not regretting watching the whole thing, but it left a weird aftertaste. I really wanted to like it more than I did. I won't watch a 2nd season if there is one. 

Global Cat Day!

This holiday was yesterday. I love my cats. Rosie is especially attached to me. Cats are a lot more affectionate and loving than many people think. They just may express it differently than dogs. They all have different personalities, too. (Same thing with dogs.) Every time Rosie sees me, she seems so happy and excited. She also treats me like both a parent and kitten. I don't know how that's possible...She encourages me to eat more. Particularly if I haven't eaten much or have forgotten during the day. Today's National Pasta Day. I love pasta. Pretty much any kind.

I got a jewelry cleaning kit this past weekend. It comes with 2 2-sided polishing cloths (one for silver and the other for gold), a small brush, and a tray that you dunk into a tub of cleaning solution. It seems like quite an operation. Depending on the size of jewelry, you put 1 or 2 pieces in the tray. Then, dunk them for 30 seconds, rinse with lukewarm water while brushing them, and finally use one of the cloths. One side helps clean it further (helps with the tough grime), and the other side is to polish it off. I've never cleaned my jewelry before. I started wearing earrings when I was 14. (Clip-ons before that, of which I obviously don't have anymore.) So, it's been a while. Some are really awful looking. I think they were even causing infections near the holes. A few months ago, I stopped wearing them on a regular basis because they were hurting too much. I ended up with weird lumps around the openings. Anyways, I cleaned all my studs first, and they look so much shinier and feel cleaner. I did some of my bigger earrings yesterday, which took a bit more effort. They turned out much better, too. There was only one pair that I couldn't scrub off the green stuff completely. I thought the pair was fake gold, so it seems odd to me that they'd turn green. I know it oxidizes over time, and may have affected it if it were 'real'. Also, even if it were, it seemed excessively green. I hardly wore them. At least, they look better now. I have a lot more earrings to clean. It'll take a while. It's good to do, though. 

I got frustrated so much with Duolingo's Russian course that I dropped it. Even without the glitches, it wasn't structured very well. I started learning Italian Monday. I can tell already that it's set up like their German course, which was great. I'm liking it so far. There have been speaking exercises right away, unlike the Russian course. (That never had them.) I've been spot on with those. It's fun to say. It also seems rather easy right now. I know I just started, but I'm breezing through with only a couple of minor mistakes. A lot of it makes sense. I'm noticing that some Italian words that people say here in the US are mispronounced. That's been interesting. Also, interesting that a cookie is a biscotto, and cookies are biscotti. This goes for any type of cookie. Candy is caramella, which lit. is caramel. So, all candies are referred to that way. Makes sense, but might get a little confusing when specifically talking about caramel. Today, I finished the Plurals, Animals, and part of the Food 2 units. Quite a bit. After the Food 2 one, it'll be Possession. That'll be the end of the 1st section or trek. 

I made a list of possible future languages to study. It's longer than I expected. Here it is so far: Indonesian, Hindi, Korean, Spanish (I know snippets of it already), Romanian, Gaelic (not sure if it'll be Irish or Scottish), Dutch, Norwegian, Vietnamese. Each one will be about 3 months each, like I have been doing. I'll also be learning more about the cultures around them, as well. 

After going through a forum poll on AVEN, I realized I have a lot of interests. That popped up in my mind when I went to an international market downtown, too. (To me, they had so many fascinating different types of food.) I'm curious about pretty much everything, not just the languages and cultures. All different types of sciences, stories, writing, media (includes anime, manga/comics, movies, shows, etc.), food from around the world (includes snacks, cheeses, breads, etc.), math, reading, music (almost every aspect from playing it to listening, history...), history, drawing/photography, my religion, and so much more. It can be overwhelming and sometimes intimidating. I sometimes forget about them. That doesn't mean my interest in them has waned, but that there are just so many of them. I sometimes feel like I don't have the time.

I thought it'd be interesting to focus on science, history, more Judaism, reading, drawing/art (like memes to practice with), music, and more stuff during the weekends. For science, I found a list of disciplines I can go through alphabetically. (Since I wasn't sure where to start.) There are a lot. I thought depending on what it is, I'll focus a month or two on them. I'll skip some of the ones that I have no interest in. Like, the first one on the list is acarology or the study of mites. That would make my skin crawl...I might start with aceology or the study of remedies or therapeutics. Or, acoustics. There are a lot of really interesting sounding ones on the list that I don't have much knowledge of. That would be fun to expand that knowledge. I plan to look into pages on fb related to those fields, possibly find books on it, read articles, maybe see if there are apps devoted to it, and more. I might go through anthropology stuff when I get to it. That's what I was majoring in in college, but I could reacquaint myself with it or see what's new. I could do something similar with history. I want to get through my really old reading list too, and eventually add to it. For music, I could look up music-based fb pages for things like music history, clarinet, musicians, etc. I could discover and download new songs, too. 

With Judaism, I could look into Jewish philosophy (I loved it when I took a course on it) and study more of the Talmud, Mishnah, etc. I could look for more Jewish pages and apps, too. All that in addition to getting back into regular Shabbat stuff again, like going over the weekly parsha (Torah portion) and my own services. My own, since my immune system has weakened quite a bit. Even though I'm currently taking an anti-inflammatory med, lialda, it's heavy duty and still messes with my immune system. Not as much as azathioprine, at least. Anyways, I'd easily catch something if I went to one of the 2 synagogues in the area for it. Also, doesn't help that I have other 'issues' with both. I can still have the 'experience' with live-streaming services. Sometimes, I just go through on my own with an old prayer book. 

Sometime in the near future, I might upload audio vids (with text) to Youtube of playing the clarinet. Audio, because I feel weird with seeing myself on video. Although, my new computer has a webcam...It might be easier, and I might ease myself into it. Either way, hearing myself when I play them back might help me improve. It'd be nice to get some constructive criticism from people. However, I know there are a lot of trolls on there. So, we'll see with that. I don't think I've gone back to playing long enough or on a regular basis to do this yet. 

Also, I've decided to join a few trans specific forums. (Haven't registered with them yet, just found them.) I've never been a member of one. I've joined many other types of forums in the past. This might help me. If anything, I might befriend other trans people, and commiserate with people who 'get it'. AVEN has a gender section, but it's not that big. It's usually full of people questioning what they are, which is a great starter for people. It's just...not in depth or anything. The ones I'm going to join are: Susan's Place, TransPulse, Non-Binary & Genderqueer Support Forum. I think I've heard Susan's Place briefly mentioned in the local trans group. It seems to be one of the oldest. I didn't know there was a specific enby forum. That's pretty nifty. We have some specific issues that we deal with that binary trans people don't. We experience a lot of the same stuff in general, though. It's like another layer/element for us. All 3 forums are huge! The generalized trans forums both actually have a surprisingly large enby section. I found these 3 through a google search. There might be other great ones out there, especially because these were pretty much the first ones that came up. I didn't know there was such a large community online. Gives more choices. If I don't like them, for whatever reason, I can easily find others.

It feels like I've been overwhelmingly sick every few days. I'll get incredibly nauseous and have come close to passing out. Also, my guts are acting up more than usual. I'm not sure if it's just that I'm flaring worse on those days or I really am sick. There are lots of memes shared in the 2 IBD fb groups I'm in about this sort of thing. Speaking of which, I'm getting really tired of seeing extremely graphic images through them. There are a few people who take pics of themselves high, too. That's weird. I know that some people smoke marijuana or use cbd oil to help with it, but I don't need those sort of posts. A lot of them seem very religious. Particularly, Christian. They tend to be much older than me. Yet, most people are diagnosed in their late teens to early 30s. It's odd. Although, I'd say a good chunk of the members are actually parents of IBD patients who don't have it themselves. That's added a bit of drama between them and actual patients of the group. Some people think it should only be for patients, others feel grateful that there are parents/family out there that support us and it makes them feel better, others are grateful but think there should be a separate group just for them. I agree with the latter. Many join to gain knowledge, but maybe there could be a few patients that join that family group to help them instead. They have quite a few anti-vaxxers. That's dangerous for a chronic illness community. Especially, for patients with autoimmune diseases. One of them seemed anti-LGBTQ+. I feel like dropping them both, and looking for others. Maybe there are some for LGBTQ+ IBD patients? Or, Jewish groups with it? Or, even ones for people younger than 50? There's got to be some out there like that.

I finished watching Hinterland on Netflix. Tried to go back to Let's Eat. I had only watched the 1st episode before. This second one was less about food, which is what it's supposed to focus on. It was honestly boring. The hyper-female-centric aspect got to me. (It wasn't just because I'm afab and not a woman.) It had stereotypes, and wasn't like women in real life. Sure, the main character was a tough woman with an attitude, but there was something about her, too. She was better than the others. 

So, I dropped that, and went back to The Method last night. I watched a couple of episodes a long time ago. It's a Russian detective show. There's quite a lot of dark humor, which I like. The main detective goes to extremes to teach people, and seems to go an easy/sly way of catching criminals. It can be intense to watch. Things move quickly. In the episode I watched last night, he caught the criminal by talking through the criminal's reasoning, saying it was valid, serving him cake, casually talking to the girls he kidnapped, and essentially cozying up to him. He went willingly. The detective's partner/assistant, who's learning from him, had the mindset that she had to have a weapon to arrest him. She was ready to hit him with a large rock. She's actually tough and has been the only one to 'survive' longer than a day with him. All his previous partners couldn't stand his 'methods' or accidentally died. In a few of the situations so far, she actually seems stronger and smarter than him, which might be why he pleaded with her to stick with him. I think this is the 1st suspect that didn't end up dying in a brutal way. I remember the one from the 2nd episode well. The detective was trying to talk him into turning himself in. Then, he grabbed his partner and was about to slash her throat. The detective was quick on his toes, and as soon as the knife started to move, he stabbed him in the neck with a pen. It was at such a spot, he couldn't speak as the blood gushed out. Just gargled a lot. This is, of course, on a mostly empty bus. At the next bus stop the detective just tossed the guy out onto the bench as he bled to death. He did it to save his partner, but I don't think he should have gone to such lengths. Parts of the episodes are set in the future with his partner talking to other detectives about whether he's fit to work. They think he's mentally unstable. And, there was some sort of incident that we (the viewers) haven't seen yet. That's what made them start investigating him. Meanwhile, as they're talking, she keeps drinking alcohol from a flask. It looks like the same flask that he uses currently. He drinks a lot, by the way. Currently, this has flabbergasted his partner. She doesn't really drink right now. Something changes her, too. 

I decided to start a birthday fundraiser on fb. (My birthday's on November 7th.) It's the first time I've ran one on there. It was a bit difficult to narrow down. After a while, I decided on the Trevor Project. They're an organization focused on suicide prevention among LGBTQ+ youth. They have a crisis intervention lifeline (they're most known for), school workshops, educational materials/programs, online resources, advocacy, and help the parents. They recently recognized and trained their staff to help with what aces face. Not sure about aros. They might lump them together, which isn't really cool...Even if I'm both. This gained them even more 'points' with me. They want to help everyone in the community. A very worthy cause. So far, none of my friends have donated. Fb itself donates $5 to it no matter what. At least there will be that. There are 3 weeks left, so maybe that will change. After posting about it a 2nd time, a couple of people reacted. Maybe that means they'll donate later? I guess I'll see.