This holiday was last Friday. I love chocolate! Awesome there's a global day for it. There are so many things you can do with it. A few years ago, I read an article about a restaurant that's chocolate themed. All their meals have chocolate in them. They had chocolate soup, mole (an amazing savory Mexican sauce that uses chocolate as a base), curries with it, etc. Of course, lots of chocolate desserts. I wonder if it's still going? That would be awesome to go there. Perfect for this holiday. People could probably try to have a chocolate themed day at home, too. That would be interesting to do.
This is my wallpaper for July. It's Leo from Kekkai Sensen or Blood Blockade Battlefront. Thought it looked a little like fireworks to go with the 4th of July. Kekkai Sensen takes place in New York City, so even that still goes with the theme. There's going to be a 2nd season in October. (They finally decided on a date.) The only issue I had with the 1st season, and apparently many other fans had, was that the final episode was 3 months late. At least, it was a longer episode than the others. Seemed like it was a movie. It's been about 2 years since the 1st season aired. That's a long time in itself. I've read that the 1st season had a different antagonist than the manga. So, it seemed to be a different story. The 2nd season might be closer to the manga. I haven't read the manga, although that might be interesting. For some people, the series seemed too complicated. I liked that aspect, though. It made you think. I wonder if the antagonist will actually be an ally in the 2nd season, knowing what happened at the end. He was occasionally possessed by a vampire called the King of Despair. His human self seemed 'good' and on the good guys' side. His nickname as himself was Black. I also want to know more about Leo's sister who's blind and wheelchair-bound. Should be interesting to see what they do with this series.
The Pusheen calendar has 3 different colored Pusheens. Each of them has a different colored heart near their butts. They're eating ice cream. One has what looks like a sundae with 3 scoops of ice cream that's actually the same colors as the Pusheens. Kind of creepy that way. One looks unhappy. She has what looks to be a big thing of swirled ice cream. Although, it does look kind of like a giant cupcake, too. The one with a scoop in a cone looks the happiest. There's also another thing of ice cream by itself with a cat head shaped cookie. The actual calendar has a shooting star with the same colors as the cats as a tail. Interesting one.
The month-long holidays for the month of July are: National Baked Bean Month, National Grilling Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Ice Cream Month, National Blueberries Month, National Honey Month, National Horseradish Month, National Watermelon Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. Basically, summer foods this month.
Marched with the local Pride group in a 4th of July parade. The theme was the parade's 50th anniversary. Actually had a float for it this time. There was a comedy award with a monetary prize, so they tried to go with that. It was a Scooby Doo one. They realized that Scooby Doo didn't come out until 1969, but it was close to '67 at least. There was even a cute Great Dane as Scooby. The kids seemed to really like it. There was also music from '67 coming from our float. (Except obviously there was the Scooby Doo theme.) I wore my flag and this year's Pride shirt. The one I didn't want to change into in public at Seattle Pride. Someone gave me a small American flag to wave around, too. I tried to dance a bit, but I think I mostly just ended up smiling and waving. Oh well. That's better than nothing.
I also ended up with a sunburn on my face, even though I was in less sun than when we went to Seattle Pride. I didn't get any sunburn from that. It's especially bad around and on my nose, which travels in streaks across my cheeks. It's an odd spot. It started peeling there a couple of days ago. Hurt for a while, and now it's just like a light burning feeling.
I also met another ace! She heard about the Pride group marching, and joined us. She didn't know about the other Pride stuff. She had an ace shirt that had one of the popular sayings. The rest of her outfit was in ace colors. The shirt stood out the most. I was so happy to see another ace! I think she was, too. Although, she realized I'm older than she thought at first. And, therefore I think quite a bit older than her. I don't know how old she is, but it seemed like she was still in high school. I don't know. She comes from the same town, so that's cool. We talked quite a bit while we waited. I told her about the ace group I started on fb, and am trying to start offline. She joined the online one, and said she might go to the offline one. Yay! She might also be aro. At least, on the aro-spectrum. She's still questioning that, which is all good. She might be going to Pride fest on the 15th, too.
I'm hoping to bring a group flyer to Pride, and some info pamphlets on both aces and aros. We might get a lot more people in the group after they at least see the flyer. Pride is actually on the same day as an offline group meeting. So, I told the group that it'll be cancelled or they can come to Pride and see me. Or, just enjoy Pride in general. The next meeting after that should be interesting. I'm pretty sure some will actually show up. Just not sure how many. Maybe people will be more active online, too. Might finally be able to start doing the things I was planning for the group. I guess we'll see.
I'm thinking of wearing the Planned Parenthood ace temporary tattoo I got at the Seattle Trans Pride. Might wear it on one of my cheeks, and maybe the rainbow one on the other? I also have a trans one. I'm hoping to find things that represent my 3 identities. Maybe small flags for aro and agender. If I see other stuff I'll be ecstatic. There might be some non-binary things in general, too.
It seems difficult to find info online about being agender or even just on the community. Interestingly, I think I'm finding the most stuff on Pinterest. Tumblr didn't have much. Tumblr's known for their large ace and aro communities, at least. Also, known for acephobic and arophobic people. So, things can still be iffy there. Some aces and aros can't handle being on there, and have refused to go back. Frankly, I'm starting to feel similar. I got rid of the app recently on my phone, and have only downloaded it again once or twice since. Fb doesn't have much in the way of agender-specific pages. I might join an aro ace and agender group on there. Cool that it's for people who are all 3. There was another one that I saw that's about qpr's. I think it'd be awesome to be in one, so I might join that, too. The problem with that, is I'm already apart of a lot of groups. Funny how I went from being in like one group to so many in just a year. Probably should cool it for a while on that. Plus, some members of many of those groups are all 3, too. It's just...not the same as being in a group specifically for agender people (or all 3), and another one for those that want to be in a qpr.
I've also realized that many agender people feel like aliens, and that seems to be one of the mascots that represents us. I find this almost scary, considering I've felt like an alien because of it. (Scary because I used that word before I knew I was agender.) Maybe even because of being all 3. The idea of not having a gender, and no romantic and sexual attractions is really out there for other people. Having those things might seem like what makes others 'human'. Making someone like me feel more and more alien. I kind of like the alien mascot, though. There apparently are some agender fashion accounts on Instagram. Those are interesting. Since we don't have a gender, we wear what feels comfortable. This can make for some unique fashion. There's even an account on how to do genderless makeup. That actually sounds cool. I still think feminine looking clothes look better than masculine (and some unisex for that matter) clothes on me. Plus, they seem to have much more of a cool and fun variety.
Also, I found some interesting sites that sell Pride stuff. Some of them are: Red Bubble, Look Human, Merchandace, Zazzle. Even Amazon has some stuff. So, if I don't find anything at Pride, I can go to those. They all have sections for my identities. There are even a few things that represent all 3. They also have non-binary stuff in general. I think the least amount of stuff was for the agender category. I guess the label is still pretty new compared to the others.
I got a call recently from the gastroenterology department about the referral and making an appointment. I've been pretty busy since (at least during the weekdays), and will call them back to make an appointment soon. Hopefully, tomorrow. I might look into their gastros a little beforehand, too. To see which ones might be better. Might ask a bit more about whoever I end up getting. I've recently read about one of the things to look out for is someone who's dismissive of your situation. It's common for medical personnel who don't know much about IBD. It's rare, but some IBD specialists do this, too. It can put an IBD patient's life at risk. That sucks that we have to be so careful. Hopefully, the next gastro won't be like that. As it is, I have to be put on some sort of med to keep the IBD in check. Even if I might still be in remission.
Also, I've had really weird painful lumps behind my ear and down my jawline. It's not normal, and they're popping up more often than before. I'm hesitant in thinking this, but it might have to do with my lymph nodes. I don't really know, but they are happening in specific areas. I thought the first two would just go away on their own. That's why I wasn't too worried about it. Now that there are more of them, and they're not going away; it's a different story. Even eating feels a little weird with them. So, they might be really deep.
I've apparently lost a lot of weight again. The thing is, I keep thinking I'm gaining. Yet, more than one person has told me otherwise. I recently ordered socks and underwear from Amazon. I'm not used to doing that. The socks seem form fitting, and a lot more narrow than my previous ones. It Feels better, though. My ankles used to be indistinguishable. Now, I can actually see them clearly. I also decided to try the next smaller size for the underwear. It actually fits so much better than the next size up did. So, I'm even smaller in that way. It's almost surreal to me. I still have to get new sneakers. My current ones have holes on the outside, have absolutely no tread, the sole worn down in areas, and some of those areas so much that it looks like it has scorch marks. I want to get more of the same style/kind. I like the colors, and it feels really comfy. Need to look into jeans, and a few other things, as well. I'm still not used to the idea that I'm smaller than I used to be. When I see things like this fit, it makes me feel a bit better.
For a while, I was going through withdrawal of lamotrigine. I had forgotten to get it before I was close to finishing a bottle. I ordered it online, so I had to wait a while. I had gone down to about 1/4 of my usual dose for a few days. Then, nothing. That was dangerous. This is the only type of med, besides a multivitamin, I'm taking right now. It's for type 2 Bipolar. It's also known as an epilepsy med. So, if you miss even one dose, you feel it. (I'm at the highest dose you can take for it.) I felt dizzy, heavy headed, like my head was going to explode, like I was going through fog, it was hard to concentrate, and more. It didn't help that my face was sunburned and had the gut issues at the same time. Felt amazing when I went back to it at the full dose. It's really a miracle drug to me. Keeps me level, and has kept suicidal thoughts away. (There are many other benefits to it for me, but those are the biggest.) Helped me lose a little weight at first, too. That's a rare side effect. Type 2 has a lower low than type 1, and our mania is different. Often, the mania is more 'hidden'. We're at a very high risk of suicide without help of some kind.
I've made it to just over 40 pages for the memoir. I'm surprised by that. So much in such a short time. Plus, I'm very close to 40 pages of the sequel to Alliance. Much closer to the other book now. I wonder how long it'll take to finish both of them? At this rate, it might take about a couple of months more. Crazy! My other 2 books took much longer. I also was writing one at a time. I finished the 4th chapter of the memoir. The topic was on music. Oddly, that's the shortest chapter so far. I say oddly because it has been such a huge part of my life. Next one is on cooking and food. So far it's been on: aro ace and agender, Judaism, pets and animals, and music. The sequel has gone in a direction I didn't expect. That actually makes it better in my eyes. Motivates me to write more. Plus, no one wants a predictable and boring story.
The holiday was actually on Monday. I love parfaits! I don't like the ones that are usually considered parfaits locally. Those have granola, berries, and yogurt. It's like a regional thing. Anyways, at least our local Safeway has the real stuff. They have lemon, apple spice, chocolate brownie, cherry, and strawberry flavored ones. I recently had their apple spice one. It has whipped cream on top, apple pie filling, sponge cake, and vanilla pudding on the bottom. I think the others are pretty much the same, just switch out the apple filling with the others. I think I've had the brownie one, and it was really good. To me, the lemon and cherry ones are tied as the best, though.
This is my wallpaper for May. It's Leo and Sonic from Kekkai Sensen or Blood Blockade Battlefront. It's a fun one. Also, Kekkai Sensen will have its 2nd season soon. (I don't think there's a set date yet, though.) That'll be awesome!
With the Pusheen calendar, it seems Pusheen has her own cafe. There are several other cats at the tables, and one ordering something. The food looks tasty and cute. 3 kittens are at one table, each one eating a cat head-shaped cupcake. 2 older cats seem to be chatting about things. One has coffee, the other has cat head-shaped cookies. For some reason, the one with the cookies reminds me of Tasha. That one's all white and long-haired. Tasha has black spots, though. She still seems to have a similar expression and overall look. There's a curly-haired cat alone at one of the tables. They ordered the most amount of stuff. They have a cookie in front of them, a slice of cake, coffee, and a parfait. It's a cute scene. On the calendar part, they have a chocolate chip cookie. Kind of makes me hungry every time I see it.
The month-long holidays for May are: National Asparagus Month, National BBQ Month, National Egg Month, National Hamburger Month, National Salad Month, National Salsa Month, National Strawberry Month, National Vinegar Month, Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month, Drum Month, Haitian Heritage Month, Jewish American Heritage Month, National Bike Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. Wow! That's a lot of them this time.
The 5-year anniversary of my mom passing away was on Monday. We visited her grave. Apparently, someone had cleaned off the headstone. Dad was thinking of wiping it down with a towel. Last year we had the unveiling. It was somewhat dirty looking after we took the covering off. So, it was nice to see it this way this time. I like it even more. We couldn't stay long, because it was really buggy out. Last year, it was because of the rain...Seems every time I go to that cemetery it's either raining or buggy out.
Her yahrzeit, or the Jewish anniversary of it, is on the 9th of Iyar or May 5th this year. Technically, starting tonight until tomorrow night. I'll light a yahrzeit candle for it. They burn for the entire time. I'll probably take a pic of it, to at least do something for it. I almost forgot about looking up her yahrzeit, so I'm glad I didn't miss it.
Afterwards, we went to the somewhat new local Indian place. Just to have something calming. I think she would have liked it there. I got chicken saag (a spinach type curry), and plain naan. Haven't had saag in a long time, and it was good. They have a ton of different types of naan. I think I've had their garlic one and potato one. Their plain seemed the best so far. It's huge, too! Got gulab jamun for dessert. It's one of my fave desserts, and haven't had it in a long time. They're like milk-based ball-shaped donuts soaked in a honey and rosewater syrup. They usually come out piping hot. I think I was supposed to wait a little longer before trying to eat the first one. It wasn't entirely cooked all the way. Plus, even though I tried cooling it off, I burned my tongue a couple of times. Oh well. It was still really delicious. Although, I think the last time I had it, it was slightly better.
I thought, since there were a few likes to my reminders for the last local ace meeting, that we'd have a few more people. Nope. I was wrong. It was just me and one other person. It's great that that other person is going, but it doesn't feel like a 'group' yet. Hardly anyone else posts on the online group, either. It's alright if people don't want or feel they can post online, but at least show up to the offline meetings. Contribute a bit. I know some are allies, and that's cool. Still would be great for them to show up. I also know some ace and ace-spec people might be too nervous to go, and take time to get the courage to go. Totally understandable. There should be some that are willing to go by now, though. It's weird. I don't hate anybody in the group, just would like more people participating in some form. I want to plan some group-like things. Get people's input on the media list I'm creating, hear other people's stories, hear their concerns, see what we could do as a group about some of that stuff, have getting to know you type events, and mold it into more of a community.
I do plan to make flyers for it. I'm a little nervous about broadcasting it, since I don't want, what some people call, 'chasers' and other dangerous people showing up. Yes, there are actual asexual chasers out there. I've read many stories about them in other fb groups. Some might be semi-harmless, and just want a relationship with an ace. However, most of them, consider aces a challenge. Like, it's their duty to 'convert' or make them straight. You can tell where this can lead...Also, there are people out there that want to kill anyone who isn't 'normal' or a heteroromantic heterosexual cis person. So, how to broadcast it without putting the group in danger? It's a tricky thing. I know Dad had put flyers out at cafes when she started her group. Later, people put flyers up in libraries and at their college. I think places like those seem 'safe'. I'll definitely put one up at the cafe we meet at. The other person that's been showing up said they might go around their college with some.
I also want ace representation at Pride. Events start with our local one next month. I feel a little strange about it, though. It's rare, but there are some people who have issues with aces at LGBTQ+ things. Even though we technically are apart of it, there are exclusionists or 'gatekeepers'. They're still like that with bi and pan people, too. Those gatekeepers would probably just want it to be for LG, and not the rest of the communities. Anyways, I thought it'd be cool to have a booth at our local one. I can have my giant flag draped over the front, or put it over a table. (Although, it's more likely to get dirty if it's on the table.) Then, have flyers for the group on the table. Asexual Outreach has free info flyers and brochures that I can print out, as well. It'd be something. If the group was in full swing already, I'd ask them about it and what they would like to have at the booth. I might still post a status about it in the online group. Dad is apart of the Pride organizing group, so I'll ask that group about it.
As it is, I also want to find a pole for my huge ace flag. I'll probably wave it around during the parade. It might be too big, though...It's actually bigger than me. I'll be loud and in people's faces if I use it. Then again, that's kind of what Pride is about. Being proud of who you are, and showing it to the world. It would be interesting if I had like a mini aro flag to wave with it. Aros are almost non-existent at these things. Even more so than aces. If I'm able to have a little booth, I might make aro info flyers, too. Since I'm both. Also, often times aces help the aro community out. Even though many aros want to distance themselves from aces, it's still good to help each other, I think. And, the people who are both, like me, have a different view of it. Interesting how I only fully realized/came to terms with myself being ace a year ago. Sometime in June will mark a year. It's only been since November when I realized I was aro.
I'm still questioning if I'm agender. My mind is still going in circles about it. Thinking things like there's a lot of different types of women out there. Then, going back to I never felt like the women I've been around about gender. In the past, I've thought: oh, I have a similar body to women, so I must be a woman. That technically doesn't make a person a woman, though. I haven't felt like clothes 'affirm' my gender like some people. So, gender expression comes into play, as well. I see a lot of what's considered 'feminine' stuff as fun and pretty decoration. It doesn't make me who I am, I guess. Some men like that stuff, too. It doesn't mean they're any less of a man. It's confusing to me. Part of it I'm thinking, is if I'm agender, this 'confusing' part would make sense. If you don't 'experience' or feel a certain gender, how would you figure that out with all this gender-specific stuff? It feels very vague.
At the trans group last night, I brought up that I'm questioning if I'm agender. There was a bit more of a reaction this time. Had a lot of people there, too. One person asked what it meant, and they don't mean to offend. I told them what it meant. I'm not offended that they wouldn't know, it's kind of a lesser known gender identity. I only knew about it pretty recently. The person who asked is questioning their gender. However, I think they said in the past that they're leaning towards genderfluid. There aren't that many non-binary people there. Let alone someone who's agender. In a way, I kind of feel like agender isn't trans. But, it's not cis, either. It's kind of its own thing. I don't really know...Maybe I'll bring up more of this stuff next time. Oh, and apparently I'm a toaster now. Someone joked about how Dad might have 'changed' me, and therefore she gets a toaster. They started calling me the toaster. Funny, but I'd still rather be a unicorn. Much more majestic.
Also, if I am agender, I'd be what some people call in the ace groups I'm apart of on fb, a triple A battery. Some have it as A cubed. It's interesting. Also, within agender, there are other identities. Like, maybe you like what's considered feminine things and are agender, or masculine things for that matter. Are you afab or amab? This one's also used in the trans community in general. Afab is assigned female at birth, and amab is assigned male at birth. Both would have different experiences no matter where they actually fall in the spectrum. I forget many of the terms the agender community has. I'm really just starting out with looking into it, though.
I recently started writing the sequel to Alliance. Don't have a name for it yet, so I guess I can refer to it as Alliance 2 for now. Even just for myself, I've wanted to continue the story. Alliance ended on a huge cliffhanger. I could probably make the story into a series. There's so much I can do with it.
Started writing a memoir, too. I decided that each chapter will have a topic, and I'll expand on that topic and the experiences I've had related to it. The first one's titled: Aro Ace. I might throw in gender stuff, as well. A lot of these 'chapters' sound like they'll be pretty long. That's ok, though. It also won't be necessarily linear. Hopefully, I can keep up writing both the memoir and Alliace 2.
My health hasn't been great lately. Every few days, it seems I find a slightly different side effect. One of the ones that's been constant lately has been a weird rash on my left lower eyelid. It usually appears at night. Like, around dinner time. It feels like a bad sunburn. My right lower eyelid is starting to do a similar thing. IBD can affect things outside of the digestive system. Like, the skin, eyes, bones, hair, etc. Technically, everything's connected to our digestive system, though. Anyways, it's a little upsetting to me. A couple of weeks ago, when this started, it was at its worst. My entire left eyelid was in so much pain for most of the day, I couldn't open it at times. It made my eye sting, but most of the pain was on the outside. So, I knew it wasn't an inner eye thing. It's been a bit easier to live with after that day, but it's still weird. I'll bring it up when I talk to my primary.
Maybe it's a side effect of the nortriptyline, which is the new med I was put on. The 'specialist' from before said it might help with my stomach pain, and may help slightly with sleep. It doesn't really do much. I've noticed that I still have a hard time falling asleep because of the constant pain. I still get about the same amount of sleep, which I'm guessing is about 4 hours. Not good enough. When I wake up, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. It's hard to move, too. I think that's a side effect of it. They said it will most likely make me groggy, but this seems to be something more. It kind of adds a different sort of pain. I'll bring this up with her, too. Another thing, is when I look at people to listen to them more intently, my face feels droopy. Especially my eyelids and mouth. It might just be the angle I look at people, because I've noticed it at other times, as well. It's a weird feeling. Sometimes it feels numb, too. Eyes seem to get blurry occasionally, too. I was actually told that this one might be a side effect.
In the past, the only thing that I got results with the constipation was from the dulcolax. It was really bad again, so I got some. I decided to take 3 the first night (on Monday), which is the highest dose. The following morning, I woke up and immediately threw up. Luckily, I made it in time. Apparently, 3 was too much for my system to handle. I didn't get any relief for it until yesterday. Still feel backed up. It's pretty bad when dulcolax isn't quite cutting it. I'm happy it helped a lot yesterday. I'll bring this up, too. Although, she won't be able to help me on this until I actually see a specialist or gastroenterologist. It scares me. I keep thinking that maybe I have a partial blockage that's slowly getting worse. I hope it doesn't end up being completely blocked. I'd have to go to the hospital for that.
I finished watching Bleach. It's a really long one. However, I skipped most of the 'filler' episodes. There were enough filler episodes at times that they had their own story arcs. I'm glad I skipped them. The manga version ended in 2016. It was going for 15 years. The anime ended in 2012, and went for 8 years. The anime ended early, so if people want to see what happens next, they can read the manga. I might do that. There are 4 movies, which I might watch in the future. There's also a live-action film coming out at some point. I think I read that it's an American adaptation or something. Not sure how that will go. There's a rock musical, too.
