Asexual Awareness Week

This started on Sunday. It's always a week before Halloween. I don't think I'm going to do much for it. I already talk about and share ace related stuff on a regular basis. There definitely needs to be more visibility, though. 

I fully realized I was ace right before Pride in 2016. Someone had talked about it while prepping for our local Pride. I had an inkling of it when I was 16 and a fellow classmate came out to me as ace. I didn't know him very well, and it makes me wonder why he chose me as one of the first people to come out to. I nervously laughed then looked it up. There wasn't much of a community online and not much info at the library, either. Of what I did find, it terrified me how much I related to it. At that age, I just wanted to be like everyone else around me. I didn't hate others who were LGBTQ+, but I didn't want to be 'different' personally. I think I had a lot of internalized acephobia. I hoped someday I'd suddenly feel like everybody else, or if someone liked me in that way, I'd suddenly feel it, too. Nope, never happened. It was alienating. I've heard other aces felt broken. I never felt that way. I was whole, only alien or inhuman compared to others. Being aro and agender probably were also contributing factors to this 'othering' feeling. Everyone was experiencing these 3 things (having romantic/sexual attractions and a gender), except me. I denied being ace until I was 31. I had to accept it myself before coming out to others. After that I fully embraced it. It probably would have been harder for me if I embraced it and was out as a teen. Again, there wasn't much of a community and kids can be awful to each other if you're considered out of the norm. It was bad enough with being the only Jew in school...I'm a bit jealous and very happy for ace teens now. At the very least, they have communities online where they can feel they belong and/or are accepted. 

Figuring out I was ace also made me wonder about my romantic attraction. I, again, wanted to at least have that so I could feel more 'normal'. Nope. About as aro as it gets. (Realized that in October that year.) I was hesitant about it until I asked myself why. I think it was a mix of internalized arophobia, amatonormativity, and heteronormativity. Now I embrace that, too. It also made me think about what I do experience. My strongest attraction is platonic. This isn't just wanting to be friends with someone. Best way to describe it is you want to be really close best friends with certain people. It's almost on a spiritual level. I'm pan this way. (No, not everyone is.) There's apparently a newer term going around called oriented aro aces. This is for aro aces that do experience some sort of strong attraction. They tend to add the prefix of that attraction (like people do for their sexual or romantic orientations) first. So, I'd be a pan aro ace. It's useful for if we want some form of a relationship like a qpr. A qpr is a queerplatonic relationship, which is what I would love. A squish is a platonic crush, and I've realized I've had a lot more than I thought. They're kind of confusing at first, especially when you don't realize you're aro ace, because it's not like you want to date or have sex with that person. It can be a strong feeling, too. Another one is aesthetic attraction. Certain people look gorgeous or grab your attention, basically. It's not in a sexual or romantic way. I'm attracted to men this way. Yet another is sensual (tactile way, not sexual) attraction. I don't know if I'm attracted to people this way. Some people get really into figuring this stuff out. 

In January, my parent's insurance will change. I'm on my current one as a dependent due to a disability. They deemed I had at least one back in 2012 or 2013. I think that was because of the bipolar 2. Type 2's have lower lows than type 1's. In fact, they're much more at risk for suicide. I was suicidal for years. The mania side isn't the happy type, either. It's racing thoughts, getting irritated easily, taking on too many things, etc. Pretty serious, especially when not treated. I have other mental health issues and now chronic physical health stuff, too. Anyways, the new plan does allow dependents due to a disability, but they have to have some sort of documentation in order to approve it. So, I tried searching for a letter about it in my actual health documents (not online) last week. Saw the letter about them telling me that they'll give me a year extension because my mom passed away, in 2012. I was aging out. After some going back and forth, they eventually approved of me later. But, that approval was not there. I looked at my messages online with them. Nothing. Then, I vaguely remembered that my parent was the one that told me I was approved. I never got a letter from them about it. She found out through her employer somehow. So, I messaged member services yesterday. Hopefully, they'll find something. My parent's looking into things about it, too. It's like a weird puzzle. She told me at first that we only had until November 15th to submit that documentation. Found out yesterday that we actually have until January. Better, but still coming up quickly. She said there's a possibility I could get dental if they approve me as a dependent. I haven't seen a dentist in years. That would be great. Also, knowing that colitis can affect dental stuff, it would be even more important now. Whatever this 2nd autoimmune disease is, it has already messed with my mouth a bit, so it's an added thing. 

I'm getting really tired of this mystery pain. It's so intense, at times, that it feels bone-deep. It's not just the pain I'm tired of, but the weak feeling in my arms/parts of my legs, mouth bumps/sores, worsening fatigue (also a symptom of colitis, but this is more than before), bumps/sores on my hands, shaky hands, resistance every time I move my arms, and more. It's really getting annoying. Especially when I'm asked how I am at stores, or feel I need to look healthy and friendly while out. It's like I put up a facade to make other people feel more comfortable. That's draining in itself. If I stop smiling or be honest and tell someone I'm not feeling well, I feel like others will think I'm angry or make them feel bad for caring. Or, they'll want me to explain why I don't feel well, which if I'm at a store to get something, I'm most likely not going to want to go into detail. I've heard from other people in IBD groups on fb feeling similarly. It's a weird dilemma. I felt odd last time someone at the bakery at a local market asked me how I was. I was feeling really awful at the time, but smiled and lied saying things were good. She always asks me. 

I messaged my rheumatologist asking about getting blood tests that were suggested. They were suggested in the notes of the scl-70 blood test. Saying that about 20% of patients with scleroderma test positive for it, so there are other tests to get a better picture. If I truly don't have it, they'll all be negative. At least we could check. I really feel like that's what it is, but it could be something similar. I don't know. I forgot to tell him where I saw these suggestions, and asked me. I've apparently already been tested for one of them, so that's good. Another one there was a lab error and they weren't able to do it. I wasn't told this before. He said he could order that test again and the others. Hopefully, he still will after telling him that the suggestions come from the notes. I still have to make a dermatologist appointment, but I'm hesitant to do it until after I know what's going to happen with my insurance. I might wait until then. 

Apparently, the dishwasher started working again last night. It was getting harder to hand-wash my dishes after every meal, so that was a relief. Seems to have done it on its own. My parent's still going to have someone look at it. 

I managed to get a walk in yesterday! Yay! My routine walks are roughly 2 miles. Haven't gotten to it in a long time. I've decided a way to get myself to do it is to go right after dinner. Harder to 'forget' if there's a set time, and I won't be as distracted with other things. Also, taking a shower right after every other is a pretty good incentive, I think. I can't take showers every day, because of lots of skin issues (that I know of), so I try to take one every other day. Half the time, I won't have to feel sweaty afterwards. I apparently ate late enough that it was dark halfway through it. That's ok. I have a small flashlight. For the entire time I was out there, it was raining heavily and windy. I have a new umbrella, which helped. However, the rain came in on the sides under the umbrella a bit. My socks and part of my jeans were soaked by the time I got home. Despite all that, it was nice to finally get out there again. If I can keep this up every day for a few weeks, I might be able to add another walk. There was a time when I did 3 of them a day. Not sure if I'll get to that point. 

Today, I finished the Romance unit and am halfway through the Past Part. one in Duolingo's Dutch course. The Romance one was more interesting than I expected. There was some LGBTQ+ representation. Also, some sentences were about consent. Some on not wanting anything romantic or sexual, but to cuddle instead. I know as a company they're very affirming and accepting of LGBTQ+ people, but it was cool to see. By the end, I made it to #4 in the Ruby League. That's pretty good. Hopefully, I can keep it up. 

Yesterday, I figured out how I wanted the folds in Junko's clothes to look, then inked it all. I might keep the pencil marks on it to help edit it in Photoshop. Although, it'll be messier. Still on the fence about it. Next time I'll decide on that and start editing in Photoshop. 

Got to editing more of Alliance. Finished chapter 14, and am well into chapter 15. Went through 7 pages of the ebook, and 11 pages of the print. 

Practiced my clarinet. Finished the Clarinet Solos book, Duke Ellington book, and started the Gershwin one. Played better than expected. Hopefully, I can keep this up for the rest of the week.  

Asexual Awareness Week!

AAW started this past Sunday. I'm not sure if I'll do much more for it besides mentioning it in this post. I've already changed my profile frame and cover photo on fb, mentioned it on Instagram, and I normally share ace stuff on fb (not much to change there). Last year, I created ace-related art. It was the flag in the background, heart over that with the aro flag, and the agender symbol on top. I drew it in pencil, inked it with a pen, and colored it all in with both colored pencils and markers. People seemed to like it. I haven't touched that ace media list I was compiling in several months. Maybe I'll look into that again. If I don't want to add to it, maybe I'll just share what I have with everyone. 

I feel a little odd that most ace advocacy stuff (at least that's shared and through memes) is focused on the nasty comments we get. Sure, that needs to be highlighted, but we face a lot more issues. I think we try to tone it down for others, because for so long people have brought up the Oppression Olympics. We're told that we don't face oppression/discrimination, or if we do it's nothing like 'real' members of the LGBTQ+ community. That's really twisted. The funny thing is every letter experiences something different, and yet we all experience similar issues, too. Even the L experiences different issues than the G. Some people from our own community want to kick us out...Mainly because of ignorance. Many have the idea that it just means celibate straight people, or a stepping stone for their romantic orientation. If you're aro ace, they don't know where to put you. 

All asexuality means is you aren't sexually attracted to anyone. The spectrum has varying degrees of sexual attraction. Some are conditional, some people rarely feel it, and others may have sexual attraction until certain conditions are met. This doesn't say anything about how people view sex. That can range, like with any group of people. People can be repulsed by it, love it, favorable, positive, indifferent, etc. Some aces can have lots of sex, while others avoid it like the plague. I'm sex-repulsed, sex-positive, and very curious about it. A weird combo. Sex-positive is when people are for sex ed, talking about it (not necessarily in graphic detail), joking about it, people having as much or as little as they want with consensual partners, etc. My stomach churns when it's directed towards me, yet I'm curious. 

Erasure is a big thing. Many LGBTQ+ groups either leave us out completely, or they have that A for ally. Ally doesn't belong in it. If you're an ally, you're helping that community on the sidelines. It's much needed, and they have an important role to play. However, they are not in the actual community. There's an analogy that has them as soccer moms. Those soccer moms do a lot for the team, but they are not actually playing the game. When the A is used for them, it takes away the chance for players who hardly get called out onto the field from 'playing'. The A is for aros and aces. Some people say it should also be for agender people. As an agender person, I disagree. We're already under the trans umbrella. We're also covered by the non-binary and genderqueer umbrellas, which are under the trans one. We're covered enough. Aromantics are not the same as asexuals, and they've been trying to separate from the ace community for a long time. I'm both, but those are 2 different parts of me. 

Another huge issue is 'corrective' rape. This affects aces of any gender. When some people hear that someone's ace, they view it as a challenge. They think that they can 'fix' them that way. This isn't talked about much, but it needs to be out there. 

There's also a serious issue that ace men specifically deal with. Men are taught that being hypersexual is manly, and if you're not, you're masculinity is questioned. It's not talked about much, because some people are scared to talk about it. When I read an article about it they mentioned that ace men challenge people's assumption of what makes a man. It's kind of sad if that's what people reduce men to. Ace women get flak too, but some think that women aren't supposed to be sexual in the first place. 

Another one is conversion therapy. Pretty much all of the letters in the LGBTQ+ community experience this. Not everyone in those groups goes through it, but many do. Some allos (short for allosexual[s] or people who aren't ace) seem to think it needs to be 'fixed' this way. Especially if an ace has absolutely no interest in sex. It's pretty horrid. Asexuality was regarded as a mental disorder up until very recently. A couple of years ago, I remember hearing people were running test trials on a pill that could 'cure' aces. That company didn't last long, thank goodness. It shows that it's still an issue, though.

Another one was about a study that came out a few years ago. People are the least likely to offer housing to aces. Gay people were turned down housing more so than straight people, but not as much as aces. Like most letters, youth get kicked out of homes because of being ace. It's just too much of an unknown and they're full of ignorance about it. It's more rare, but some aces are killed because of it, too. The reason it might seem rare is it's not reported often that way. So, we don't really know. That's another problem with it, we're so under-reported about this stuff. (Same with many other parts of the LGBTQ+ community.)

We don't have much representation in media. Some people say stories with aces and/or aro aces would be boring. However, not too long ago the creator of One Piece, Eiichiro Oda, said that Luffy is aro ace. He didn't use those words specifically (probably because he didn't know there were labels for it), but he said that Luffy's not sexually/romantically attracted to anyone. One Piece is the most popular manga/anime. In fact, it won a Guinness World Record for the most copies published for the same comic book series by a single author. It's the best-selling manga series in history. (Based on copies sold worldwide.) Luffy is the main character. That says something right there. He's anything but boring. This kind of came through during the Amazon Lily arc. Luffy had fallen into Boa Hancock's bath house while she was bathing. She was obviously butt naked. He didn't flinch. Acted like it was normal. Everyone (no matter the gender) seemed attracted to Boa, but he was the only one who didn't have that reaction. When they imprisoned him, naked, and stared at him, he just seemed really irritated. He didn't care much. Most of the Amazonian women had never seen a man before. The creator said the only things Luffy is attracted to are adventure and food. 

He also said that there will never be actual romance in the series. He's really unique about it. So many series have romance as an element, it's crazy! That promotes amatonormativity, which is an issue aros face. Amatonormativity is the idea that everyone needs romance, has romantic attraction, and promotes monogamous relationships. Some people sum it up as a One True Love Complex. It's like what aces face with how people say sex is a need, right up there with food/water, and that everyone is attracted to someone sexually. I think that's called compulsory sexuality. Both are extremely harmful and pushed on us like crazy. Same with heteronormativity. This stuff actually hurts allo/straight people, too. This is another positive and more creative aspect to One Piece. I'm tired of romance being shoved into stories all the time. (Some of it is good and is part of the story, but not much.) It's like filler to me.

Another good thing about this series is that it's rather mature. Some people infantilize aces (another issue) and think what makes a story mature is romance and sex. Glad he didn't do that. Instead it touches on topics of slavery, genocide, grief, assault, arranged marriage, poverty, corruption, racism, abuse, gender inequality, and more. Heavy stuff. Yet, there's a lot of humor. The only thing that might be an issue for people is the way he draws some of the women. However, it's not all women, and he said he was pressured to make some of them like that at one point. I don't think they look bad, though. His style is very unique, and there are a lot of different types of body shapes for both men and women in that world. Even their heights vary wildly. 

There's also Jughead from Archie's Comics who's aro ace. Although, the live-action show, Riverdale, turned him allo. (Straight at that.) Even the actor that portrays him was pushing for him to stay aro ace. Todd from Bojack Horseman is also ace. He actually came out and said it. There was apparently several episodes where he explained it, learned more about himself, and met other ace people. I think he's alloromantic (not aro, or experiences romantic attraction), which is good to have a variety out there. I don't watch the show, but people said that it was one of the best portrayals they've seen in any show. It's rare that the character said it themselves, too. 

It looks like this is my 1000th post on here. Wow! That's a lot! Seems like a milestone.

I joined 2 trans-related forums: Susan's Place and TransPulse. TransPulse is set up similar to AVEN. I didn't get much of a response for my intro thread on Susan's Place, and felt a little down about it. I had quite a few responses to the one I started on TransPulse. I decided to post in more threads to get more of a feel of Susan's Place. Maybe people on there just don't look at the intros. I know a lot of other forums where regular members didn't really care about that section. Found a thread about what 'flavor' of non-binary person we are. Basically, asking what enby gender we are (if we know), how we feel about masculine and feminine, introduce ourselves, when we knew we were 'different', if we have dysphoria, etc. Lots of stuff. Had rather long posts in there. People actually responded to what I wrote pretty quickly. Someone said they felt exactly like me about all this stuff. That was interesting. Other people welcomed me, and said that I came to the right place. In the TransPulse intro thread, some were recommending resources for me, which was nice. I didn't post in other threads on there. 

I decided to make time for the stuff I didn't feel I had time for before, during the weekend. So, learning more science and history stuff on Saturdays. (In addition to more Jewish stuff.) Music and art stuff on Sundays. Reading (an actual book) and forums on both days. As well as, movies on Saturdays and games on Sundays. I split them up mainly because of Shabbat. I'm technically not supposed to 'create' things, thus art and games would be on Sundays. I feel like forums don't really count for this...I don't know. But, learning is a big thing in Judaism, so science and history would be great for it. I managed to touch on everything this past weekend, so it's doable. Might not be as much when I do things like shopping those days. That's ok.

For science, I'm following the list of disciplines I found on wikipedia, and only skipping ones that don't interest me. Those mainly being things like the study of mites. That would just make my skin crawl. There are also some that don't seem to have much to them. I'm starting with acoustics or the science of sound. It's a branch of physics. I have very superficial knowledge of it to begin with. Many musicians learn a little about it, but it's the very basic stuff. So, this one will be very interesting. It's useful for many different things, too. Music, physics, electronics, speech, ultrasound, marine science, aeronautics, etc. I found the Acoustical Society of America's site. They have free articles on there. Their journal, The Journal of the Acoustical Society of America or JASA, has an fb page. They post news as well as free copies of the journal. Found a couple of channels on Youtube based on it. Lots of info sources available out there. It doesn't seem like a very popular area of study, though. Seems sad that way. I think I'll focus on it for about a month, then move on to the next thing. That'll be aerobiology or the study of airborne organisms. 

For history, I'm using another alphabetical list. Starting with art history. I took art history in college. It's a very interesting subject, and there's a lot to it. I remember the textbook for it was one of the biggest and most expensive. It's really vast. I found an app on art history. They cover a piece of art every day. They go over the elements of it, the artist, style, time period, and more. They go into a lot of detail, which is cool. I also found a couple of fb pages on it. There's lots of stuff on other sites online, too. There's probably a lot that we didn't cover in that class. Actually, I remember we only used about half that textbook. I'll spend a month on this, too. Next one for this is chronology. Although, I'm not sure if there's much to it. If not, I'll move on to cultural history. Some of these topics in the history list share things from the science one, which is fine. 

I went back to reading Stone Kiss by Faye Kellerman. It had been a couple of years since I stopped reading it. I only finished the first chapter before. Got through a lot of it this weekend. It's a detective series with a Jewish side to it. A really good series. Maybe I can finally finish what I have of it soon.

For music, I tried to look for clarinet-based apps and fb pages. There weren't very many, and none of them were good enough to like or download. I did find some music history-based pages on fb. I plan to go over some music history in the future. I've taken a couple of classes on different periods in college, and it would be interesting to go over that stuff again or learn new stuff about it. Maybe I'll go chronologically through those historical periods. I also want to hear more music from around the world, and download some of it. Maybe look into music theory, too. Or, even look into music specifically from countries that I'm learning the main language of. (Many countries have multiple languages.) Like, Italian music for now. I can go in many directions with this.

For art, I might do things like fill out memes that are made to help improve drawing/character development. I went through my 'collection' on deviantART, and found quite a few blank ones that I downloaded to fill out in the future. There are things that focus on reactions/expressions, drawing the oldest (or first) and newest character, some on the artist themselves (like how would you draw yourself in your style), outfits for characters, drawing in different styles, etc. All good for practice and getting more 'in touch' with my characters. I might go through all of my inbox on there, too. It's really backlogged, because I don't go on there nearly as much as I used to. I have several 'stacks' of deviations (art pieces) in there from artists I follow and groups. Each stack from the groups has around 200 deviations. That's a lot to go through. There a lot of journals and some on faves/llamas. I'm surprised I'm still getting so many faves and llamas. Llamas can be given by other members, and the more you get, the more the llama on your profile changes. I think mine's still an albino llama. At some point, it has sunglasses, a hat, outfits, and more. I might post to my journal on there. It's been a while. I can look at more art on there, fb, Instagram, and other places. Another thing that might be good is drawing buildings and scenery from Alliance, as well. All this will help me improve, and I can be more active on dA which is full of other far better artists to learn from.

I started watching Tensei Shitara Slime Datte Ken, or That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime. I wasn't sure about this one at first. It's from this current season, and I'm not far behind. It's better than I expected. It's about a 37 year old human, Satoru, who was stabbed to death by a robber. He was reincarnated as a slime named Rimuru, in basically a video-game like fantasy world. I have a feeling he is in a video game somehow. Slimes in video games (particularly rpg's) are often very weak. They're usually the first thing gamers have to attack. Even Fate has them as 'gels' that only inhabit the first couple of levels of the dungeon. However, it seems the opposite with him. He's a very powerful being. He can absorb almost anything. He gains knowledge of whatever he 'eats', can mimic those skills/spells, can make and store an unlimited amount of health potions from eating herbs, and more. He had to 'eat' a bat in order to talk, and eat something in order to see. They really are detailed about it. The animation is top-notch, and changed a few times. There was even a 3D scene. In the opening, it seems he can transform into a humanoid. Does that mean he eats someone? There's a lot of comedy, too.

Started Zombieland Saga. It's also one from this current season, and I'm not far behind. When I first read the description of it, it didn't interest me. Then, Crunchyroll shared a clip on fb of it, and I was intrigued. I thought it was a typical pop idol-type anime. Pop idols in general are not really my thing. It's far from that, though. 7 girls are brought back to life as zombies by a 'mysterious' producer. The lead was killed 10 years ago by a truck just as she walked out the door, starting her walk to high school. She seemed so happy and was going to audition to be in an idol group. This all happened in the first couple of minutes, so it's not like I'm spoiling that. She was the first to 'awaken' as a zombie. The other girls were mindlessly stumbling about and terrified her. They're all different ages and from different time periods. The producer wants to boost tourism for Saga prefecture by creating a zombie idol band. So far, there's only one girl that hasn't woken up yet, and she keeps biting everyone. The producer is a pro at applying makeup that makes them appear 'normal'. Also, it seems like each episode has a music theme. The first one they performed a heavy metal concert. Again, the lead or Number 1 was the only one 'aware'. It was hilarious. The 2nd episode was on hip hop. The rapping was actually pretty good, and they added a little of traditional Japanese music to the background as well as some modern music flare. It's a hilarious series so far. 

Started watching Radiant, too. It's also from this current season. It's an adaptation of a French comic. Apparently, one of the first anime adaptations of a series from France. From what I read, they cut a lot of the distinctly French-type humor for the first few episodes. They also made Seth, the main character, less reckless. Alma, his teacher and guardian, changed a bit, too. Kind of sounds like they watered it down a bit for the beginning. It's a mage/sorcerer based series. People who get near or touch a demonic-like being, called Nemesis, either die or become sorcerers. The sorcerers are looked down upon until regular humans ask for their assistance against the Nemesis. Sorcerers are the only ones who can kill them. Seth is an orphan with horns. I'm assuming that when people come into contact with a Nemesis (and live), they gain something like horns, bat wings, or really big hair. There's a lot of unknowns with this one. It's interesting, but seemed a lot like other series like D.Gray-man, Black Clover, and Fairy Tail. Doesn't seem very 'French' at all yet.

National Coming Out Day

I'm basically out to everyone I know. Although, I tried telling my grandpa over the phone that I was ace (about a year ago), and he said he couldn't hear me. So, I technically haven't told him. He's also on facebook, but hardly uses it. I think it'd be best to come out to him if we were face-to-face. He lives on the other side of the country, though. I hope I do see him again before it's too late...I'm not sure how he'd take it. He's a very kind and accepting person, though. He just might not understand. 

I do want to be more out with being aro ace and agender. I mentioned them in my mini bio on fb. It was the first time I had anything for that. I still share and write about them on there. 

I write about all 3 in my memoir. I actually am redoing the agender part, because I wasn't really sure at the time. Agender will have a separate chapter devoted to it. Aro and ace will be in one chapter. The first one to be precise. Agender is the 2nd now. I also refer back to them throughout the book, because they've influenced my experiences and how I view the world. So, people will be introduced to all 3 this way once it's published...I can probably add an LGBTQ+ tag to it on Amazon. Should be interesting.

In the future, it'd be nice to have a black ring. A black ring on the middle finger of the right hand indicates the wearer is ace. It'd be cool to get one with a spade on it. Another symbol for aces are the ace suit in playing cards. Ace of hearts is for (allo)romantic aces, spades is for aro aces, diamonds is for demiromantic aces/demisexuals (and other people in the grey areas), clubs is for wtf(or quoi)romantic aces/wtfsexuals and other people who can't figure out what their sexual and/or romantic orientation is (or it's indescrible). Sometimes romantic anarchists will use the ace of spades. That's kind of cool. A white ring was thought up for aros, but it hasn't really taken off. They don't have special symbols for what type you are like the ace suit, either. An arrow is a big symbol for it, though. An alien is an agender symbol, which is interesting, too.

I think it'll be cool to get themed clothing and accessories of these identities. That way I could be even more out. There's a surprising amount of it online. Another reason for me to be out is to educate people.

Asexual Awareness Week is coming up quickly. I might be a presenter/speaker at a local youth group meeting. I didn't think about this until Dad suggested it. We don't know if it'll actually happen, but it's an interesting idea. Another way to be out, and to do something for AAW. I'll not only go over ace stuff, but aro and agender as well. Aros are fighting to be separated from the ace community as much as possible, but they're represented during it, too. As an aro ace, I feel like 2 of my communities are ripping each other apart at times. Most aces are alloromantic, and most aros are allosexual. Often ace activists throw aro aces under the bus. We tend to be thought of as less human, or forgotten about, or misrepresented by them. Aros are a lot better about it, but the community is still new and growing. I'll bring up agender, because I am one and it influences my experiences. Mine would be different than an aro ace cis person. Or even an aro ace binary trans person. It'll show that my experience is not universal, which is good. 

I realized recently that I go against a lot of 'normatives'. These are things that are considered the norm, strictly enforced, everything catered to a specific group of people, what's considered good and desirable by society, etc. My existence goes against heteronormativity, since I'm aro ace. Heteronormativity is centered on people who are both heteroromantic and heterosexual, or straight. Not to mention that sex is considered the best thing, necessity to keep living, everywhere in media, etc. Of course, it's 'straight sex' that's encouraged. 

Amatonormativity's another one. It's the idea that romantic love is desirable, it's 'human', better than other loves/relationships, certain rules and assumptions about love, etc. This can be dangerous to alloromantic people too, but it's especially damaging to aros. It's a factor even when people of different (or some like to use 'opposite') genders are close friends. Society will assume that'll 'blossom' into romance and then become sexual. This is an odd view to me. Starting at an early age we're shown romantic themes all the time in media.

Cisnormativity is another one. The idea that being cis is normal, human, everyone has to be this way, etc. If you're not, you're not human or have some sort of mental illness. (According to society.) I'm not cis, so this affects me.

Binary-normativity is another. The world is set up and catered to people of the binary. Being strictly a man or woman is what everyone is. There's no such thing as more than 2 genders. Again, that's how society views things. This affects me as well since I'm agender. Even some binary trans people are against/hate the idea of non-binary people. That's hating on our very existence. 

Christian(or Christo-?)-normativity. The assumption that everyone's Christian. Everything, in most parts of the world, is centered on Christians. Probably more than they realize. I'm Jewish, and I see this quite often. Don't even get me started with the few months before Christmas on up to the holiday itself...That makes non-Christians even more like outcasts or like they don't matter. 

Not only that, but there's a belief Christianity and Judaism are the same thing. No. No, they're not. Clearly these people don't know the history nor what the religions are about. (Or cultures.) Someone a few months ago told me they're Christian, and asked me what the difference was. Well...the biggest thing is we don't have Jesus at all in our religion. That is central in Christianity, and if you believe in him you are one. They were astounded by it. Couldn't believe what I told them. I get that a lot when I tell people this. I like to educate others, but sometimes I'm tired of doing it.

Neuro(?)-normativity. People that are mentally healthy deserve better, are more understood, and are treated with respect more than mentally ill people. This makes many people feel even worse about themselves. Like I mentioned before, I have multiple mental illnesses.

 Physically healthy-normativity. (Not sure what the prefix for this one would be.) People who have a chronic condition, like an autoimmune disease, are told if they only did certain things, it'd cure them. Offering 'healthy' food to them (might not actually be healthy for the person with the condition), saying they just need to try yoga, why are they always in pain, when will they get over it, have they tried this diet, and the list goes on. It's fueled by pure ignorance, and thinking such and such helped them with their stomachache. Or some other brief ailment. It's really disturbing and frustrating. IBD or Inflammatory Bowel Disease is considered an autoimmune disease. The unsolicited advice I get is crazy. It was especially so when I posted about the diagnosis on fb. No, there's no cure for it. No diet is going to change the disease itself. (It can sometimes help with side effects from both the disease and meds.) 

Oh, and I love when people say at least it's not cancer...Yes, I'm happy it's not, but in a way it's belittling what IBD patients go through. We have to battle this thing for the rest of our lives. Even while in remission we might still have horrible symptoms. Some people lose most of their intestines through surgeries. Some people have to have their buttholes sewn shut, and some have to have external bags that act like colons and other parts of the intestines. The treatments can wreak havok. The extraintestinal stuff is crazy, too. (Eye problems, hair falling out, liver issues, fatigue, etc.) People die from 'complications' of the disease and meds. Some commit suicide because it's too much for them. But, at least we don't have cancer...Oh, wait, we're more at risk for cancers relating to the digestive tract. Wahoo!

National Hot Dog Day!

Yay for hot dogs! I like beef Polish sausage hot dogs the most. Unless they say it's beef, I won't eat hot dogs while I'm out at a picnic or something. I like to put ketchup, honey mustard, and relish on mine usually. Sometimes I'll use BBQ sauce instead of ketchup and mustard. Makes it more 'bold' tasting. I also love chili cheese dogs. Today's the last day of Tammuz. Tomorrow's the start of Av or Rosh Chodesh Av. 

Had another person request to join the local ace group. This time it's someone who's apparently older than me with 4 kids. According to her profile, I think it said she's 44. Very interesting. Recently getting a 15 year old, and now a 44 year old. I like that. Makes it more diverse age-wise. So, now we're up to 16 members. Wahoo! I plan to make a Meetup group, too. It'll be the same thing, but more people might see that. I hope we get more than just me at the next meeting on Saturday. It'll actually feel like a group.

Still moving along with writing the sequel to Alliance and the memoir. Almost up to 55 pages for the memoir, and close to 45 for the sequel. Thinking about them in paperback form, it's basically twice as much for both. That's not bad. Not sure how long either of these will be. I actually wrote some more of the sequel today, even though I had planned to make Sunday an edit day. 

I think I'm going to change how I've been writing these. I might write both for each day, instead of switching them every other day. So before, I'd write as much as I could for the memoir one day, as much as I could for the sequel the next, and so on. This time I'll write as much as I can for one, and then later in the day write what I can for the other. I might progress much faster for both. Especially because some days I didn't get to one, so I had more time with the other. That's probably one of the reasons why the memoir is so much further ahead. I'm thinking about worrying about the editing and fleshing out stuff more after I'm done writing them. It might take less time this way. I don't know. We'll see how this goes. 

A few days ago was the 20th anniversary of One Piece. That's when the manga started. The anime started a couple of years later. It's one of the most popular manga/anime series. I recently hit the 300th episode mark. Although, I've been skipping the 'filler' episodes. Currently, the anime is close to 800 episodes. So, I still have a ways to go. I actually like it. I didn't think I would. It feels like it was influenced by Gulliver's Travels, the Odyssey, and various stories of legendary pirates. Pirates like Blackbeard, who they actually refer to. It's very interesting. Each island has had a different culture and weather. It still makes it even better that the mangaka (the creator) said during an interview that Luffy is aro ace. Luffy is the main character. The mangaka said he's not sexually or romantically interested in anyone. He only cares about food and adventure. He thinks of his crew/friends as family. That's pretty awesome representation to me. He's smarter than he seems, too.

Yesterday, a cashier at Safeway turned to me and asked: "How are you, babe?" This was odd. I can understand things like hun and sweetie. However, a stranger calling me babe...Usually people say that to babies or partners. I call Rosie babe or babes sometimes, but that's because she's my fur baby. Maybe really close relatives do it, too. So, it felt like they were either infantilizing me or sexualizing me. Either way, it's not good. On top of this, it was really warm, and the elderly lady behind me was so close I could smell her perfume and breath. Neither were very pleasant. I couldn't move from where I was. Lovely, just lovely.

I've kept up with being within my calorie range. I usually have Saturday as an anything goes type of day. I don't track it then. I wouldn't necessarily call it a cheat day. That makes it sound negative. I do remember reading something a while back that people need at least one day where they can treat themselves each week. It's healthier, and still helps people lose weight if that's what they want. I did that, and that's still keeping to my 'plan'. I don't think I actually went over, though. I've been averaging in the high 1300s. I'm trying to shoot for the 1400 mark, because it's right in the middle of the range. I think since I started this back up, I've only hit that once. I guess I don't normally eat much. 

I played my clarinet once last week. I hope to get back into it soon. I noticed it has been so long that my mouth muscles hurt afterwards. They seemed to stop working at a certain point. It's difficult to play then, because it doesn't create a perfect seal or embouchure. The air just leaks out. Also, there are certain movements with the mouth that are hard to do if you can't move your muscles. It's kind of sad. I could only play for about 30 minutes before it hurt too much to play. Not used to that. I did get to play some klezmer, so that was a nice plus. Didn't sound too bad, as well.

International Non-Binary People's Day!

This holiday was on Friday. It's to celebrate non-binary people, what we contribute to the world, and awareness of the issues we face. The person who started it chose this day because it's right in between International Men's Day and International Women's Day. They found out that the date in numerology equals 3. So, another meaning for non-binary people. I think they mentioned that we're often lumped in with women, but we aren't women. Another way to refer to someone who's non-binary is nb or enby. I kind of like enby. It sounds cute. Also, the plural form is enbies, which is better than writing out or saying the whole 'non-binary people (or genders)' thing. There are so many more genders under this umbrella term. Agender people fall under it simply because we're neither man nor woman. We're still outside the binary. There are also other genders like genderfluid, demigender, bigender, pangender, and so much more. 

There are apparently subcategories under agender that I'm just starting to learn about. Really interesting stuff. Even with just looking at it from an anthropological standpoint, let alone for myself. I'm starting to watch more youtube vids and read more about enbies in general. I've also come across some nasty hate towards them. Not directed specifically at me, but I recently read an article by a TERF. TERFs are Trans-Esclusionary Radical Feminists, often shortened to rad-fem's. They aren't real feminists, and they're extremely hurtful to trans people in general. They think trans men are somehow betraying them, and trans women are 'forcing' their way into women's spaces. It gets a lot nastier. That's very mild compared to some of the horror stories I've read. 

Anyways, I hadn't read anything on how they view enbies specifically. It was really bizarre. It wasn't particularly nasty, but was quite rude and seemed to try and invalidate them. They used quotations every time they wrote out non-binary, trans, and other identities. (Made the article look even more messed up.) Saying that enbies make the "trans" community look bad. That the ones who were afab (assigned female at birth) are just confused. Like, they don't know there are many different types of women out there. Why not be a tomboy or something? They brought up how using they as a pronoun is grammatically incorrect. I've got news for them, it is correct. When you don't know someone's gender, people tend to use they without thinking. For example: Who are they? They wanted [something]. What are they doing? It's not hard. 

Genderqueer is essentially the same thing. It's just some people are uncomfortable with associating with the word queer. Totally understandable. I like the idea behind it (not using it as a slur), and reclaiming it. Many people use that word to describe the LGBTQ+ community, because it's easier than writing/saying the acronym. I recently heard another person say that maybe we should use Pride to refer to the community. I don't know...I like queer more. Although, if anyone from the community doesn't like me using that word around them, I won't use it around them. Oftentimes, people use non-binary in general instead of genderqueer. Although, I've seen people write/say both. Technically, we are all non-binary in the community. With genderqueer, I can see that it might be a bit confusing if people just see it. They might think: "What does this really mean?" So, maybe it's more of an in thing? Kind of confusing...

I went to our local Pride fest yesterday. Got a really nasty looking sunburn on my neck and a little down my back. My face is sunburned, too. It's really uncomfortable. It's my own fault, though. I didn't use sunscreen. I even have a little travel sized bottle in my purse. I think most of the time that it's not going to work. Oftentimes it doesn't. I usually get sunburned anyways. Maybe not as badly, though. 

I put a Planned Parenthood temporary ace tattoo on my cheek for it. I got it from them at the Seattle Trans Pride. It was surprising to see. People kept looking at it, and a few people asked if it was temporary. I don't think anyone asked what flag it was. Many people complimented on my earrings. Almost every time I go out I have someone compliment on them. They're big silver cat face earrings. They have kind of an I don't care attitude. I thought one person was going to rip them off. They kept saying how much they absolutely loved them. I've never been really good about complimenting people unless something really catches my eye. So, I end up saying thanks, nodding, and not complimenting them back. It's odd because many women tend to reciprocate comments after one of them does it first. I'm not a woman, so I wonder if that's why I'm not that good at it...I think it can be a very gendered and cultural thing to do. Not necessarily complimenting first or in general, but trying to reciprocate a compliment to be polite or something. So weird. I guess I try to be more genuine with that sort of thing. It might seem rude to others, though.

There was an ace flag up with the other flags scattered around the park. That was one of the things that made me happy. There was also a glass-based booth that had certain flag colors worked into the glass pieces. There were some pendants like that, but I think the only one that was ace themed was a little shallow plate. Looked cool, but didn't sound useful. It would have been cool if I saw a glass pendant with the colors. There were apparently some trans ones. I think Dad got one of them. It was cool looking. I didn't really look for my other 'identities' or parts of me.

There was a flag booth. I think I got my huge ace flag from the same place last year. The guy there is weird. I asked him about an aromantic flag. He swore he had it, and went searching for it. He looked for a while, and I said I'd come back later. About an hour or so later I come back. He says he couldn't find it in the booth, and I can go through the extra boxes behind his booth to see. I did that a little while, and got nothing. He seemed upset that he didn't have it. He apparently left it behind. So, I asked him if he had an agender one. He didn't. I asked him if he had a non-binary one. He didn't. (That was surprising.) I asked him if he had a genderqueer one. He had those. A big 3' x 5' or a smaller one was all he had. I wanted to have an even smaller one. (Not sure how big this one really is.) I settled for one of the smallest ones he had. 

I posted a pic to both fb and Instagram. Today, one of my followers commented: "Not to be a negative Nancy, but that's the Suffragette flag, though. lol" I looked it up, and yes it looks exactly like the UK suffragettes' flag. I also looked up info on the creator of the genderqueer flag. Since they were from the US, they didn't know about that UK flag when it was created. They created it off of other sexuality and gender flags, off of many meanings for the colors (that community could understand), etc. 

I mentioned this stuff, and that maybe they should do their own research on why the genderqueer flag is the way it is. There are many flags that look the same. Plus, this is a global symbol, unlike the UK flag. That's a big difference. There are only so many combos for a tri-colored striped flag, too. Nobody owns these colors. As the exchange kept going, I felt odd that I had to defend one of my communities' flags. Also, they said we should honor the UK suffragettes somehow if we're taking their flag...What? How? I don't even know where to begin on that. I eventually blocked them, because it was tiring, they were missing the point, and seemed to only get more bitter. First time I felt like someone was trying to get me to defend a flag. It's still going to be the official genderqueer flag whether they like it or not. Has been for a while. 

I got a cheeseburger for lunch there. It was pretty good. Well seasoned. Had Doritos Nacho Cheese chips with it. The chips might not have been a good idea, considering I'm supposed to stay away from corn products. Later, I got a root beer float for a snack. I think they knew what flag I was carrying, and said ma'am in a weird way. Really forceful, and somewhat indignantly. Like, making some sort of statement. It was odd. Eventually, their ma'am started sounding like mom. I was starting to laugh in my head, which made it a bit better. I don't have much of a problem with ma'am, as long as it's not said rudely. I know they're trained to say it. I'd definitely prefer a more gender neutral way of being addressed by them, though. They are quite a few out there that they can use to refer to customers. 

As soon as they gave the root beer float to me, it erupted out the hole in the cover. It was a sticky mess. I cleaned off the excess, and noticed the other people that had ordered it after me had the same surprise. Not very pleasant. I wanted to wait for Dad before I sat down with my float. She was getting a sausage for a late lunch. Eventually I couldn't stand much longer, and went to the covered picnic tables. She told me her sausage took 35 minutes. That's a long time! When I got my hamburger from the same place, I think it took about 10 minutes for it. It was towards the beginning, though. There was also a pizza truck. They brought their own pizza oven. I felt too warm for that. I thought there would be another food truck/booth. Oh well. Apparently, a store across the street from the park was giving away snow cones for free. That liked tasty, but I was too full from the other stuff at the time. 

We did go to Elmer's after that. I needed some place cool, and semi-quiet. I think Dad felt similarly. Someone at Pride kept screaming in a high-pitched voice, and I think they also had a whistle. It was annoying when they were right next to me. Could feel my ears pop. The music seemed like it was at decent volume, though. 

I put up a group flyer, for the local ace group I started, on the bulletin board. Saw a lot of people stop to look at it. That was great. I left some info sheets at the Pride info booth. The area for the pamphlets/info sheets was off to the side and kind of hard to see. I thought no one take them, and didn't really care. One person did take a copy, though. Having someone take at least one copy was amazing! 

There's an ace info site that has free info sheets you can download. They say what asexuality is and basically what it doesn't mean. It also lists their site's address, which is great. They're somewhat newer than many of the other sites I'm familiar with. I follow them on fb, though. They tend to be better than AVEN as far as their fb pages go. Anyways, I used that and added an 'other resources' section under it in Photoshop. By the way, Photoshop's an amazing tool! Made some interesting things through it. 

I listed a bunch of sites, and added the local group at the bottom. I mentioned these: AVEN, Asexuality Archive, Pieces of Ace, Demisexuality Resource Center, Asexual Stories, The Asexual Agenda, and Apositive. I wanted to add one of the more scientific sites that I know, but apparently it hasn't been active in a while and seems to be shutting down soon. That's sad. It listed a bunch of research papers/journals on it for free. I think even the person running the site had authored some of them. Another one I wanted to share was the Carnival of Aces. I might have forgotten about them...It's a group of ace authors/bloggers that write about a topic relating to asexuality each month. People not in the group are welcome to participate. Some are non-fiction and some are fiction stories/poems. Haven't really read those stories, though. It's different than Asexual Stories. That's lit. aces sharing their life stories. Hopefully I didn't give out too much info to people.

One person requested to join the group on fb later. Not sure if they were the ones that took the copy or if they were someone who saw the flyer. Found out they're 15 years old. That's young. I just hope it doesn't turn into a youth group or something. I want aces of all ages. Maybe if we get big enough, we can split it into a youth one and an adult one. Young aces face some different issues than adults. There are many things both groups face, though. It'd be awesome if we get a member who's much older than me. Everyone also has a voice and different perspective, too. I want people from all over the spectrum. It'd be cool if some were aro, like me. I'd have an added layer in common with them. Even better if they were agender. Triple A's are rare...I didn't plan to be that rare. I wish it wasn't. 

I called the GI department back to schedule an appointment. All their gastros don't have anything free on their calendars. An assistant is free, though. She's kind of like a specialist. They said she can do almost everything but surgery. That's not bad. This will also be within network. That will help with a lot of things. The closest appointment she had was for the end of next month. I agreed to that. The receptionist sounded worried that there wasn't something sooner. I told her about my situation. She said she has gone through something similar. She told me that if it gets even worse, I should go to the hospital. She wanted to keep talking after we said bye. I think she wanted to make sure that I was ok enough to wait for a little over a month. She seemed kind. I hope this assistant is more knowledgeable and cares about my symptoms. That last part is very important. It's not like I'm complaining for fun. They have to be aware of what's going on. I also still have a tendency to think that if I don't think about it, it's not there. That makes me less aware of it. Used to be much worse. 

Finished watching Kabukibu or Kabuki Club. I liked it more than I expected. It was cute. My fave mangaka group (one of the few I know, but they're awesome!), named CLAMP, had a hand in it. They're a group entirely composed of women. They make interesting manga. One of their trademarks is out of proportioned limbs for characters. That was somewhat of a turn off the first time I saw xxxHolic. I just wasn't used to that style. The rest of the art is usually amazing. For this show, the characters looked more 'normal'. They played a minor role in it, so that might have been why. It was an interesting view into the world of kabuki theater. It seemed they played around a bit with gender, too. That was fun to see. One of the female actresses has a very masculine look to her (she was also in drama, and many of the girls in it kept falling for her as well as some of the guys), and one of the male actors has a very feminine look. They both act normally very much like those, too. I think there was a character that seemed genderless. It was difficult for some fans to tell at first what gender he was. He didn't seem to care much about gendered stuff either. He had a very minor role, though. That was interesting. It'd be cool if there was a sequel.