This started on Sunday. It's always a week before Halloween. I don't think I'm going to do much for it. I already talk about and share ace related stuff on a regular basis. There definitely needs to be more visibility, though.
I fully realized I was ace right before Pride in 2016. Someone had talked about it while prepping for our local Pride. I had an inkling of it when I was 16 and a fellow classmate came out to me as ace. I didn't know him very well, and it makes me wonder why he chose me as one of the first people to come out to. I nervously laughed then looked it up. There wasn't much of a community online and not much info at the library, either. Of what I did find, it terrified me how much I related to it. At that age, I just wanted to be like everyone else around me. I didn't hate others who were LGBTQ+, but I didn't want to be 'different' personally. I think I had a lot of internalized acephobia. I hoped someday I'd suddenly feel like everybody else, or if someone liked me in that way, I'd suddenly feel it, too. Nope, never happened. It was alienating. I've heard other aces felt broken. I never felt that way. I was whole, only alien or inhuman compared to others. Being aro and agender probably were also contributing factors to this 'othering' feeling. Everyone was experiencing these 3 things (having romantic/sexual attractions and a gender), except me. I denied being ace until I was 31. I had to accept it myself before coming out to others. After that I fully embraced it. It probably would have been harder for me if I embraced it and was out as a teen. Again, there wasn't much of a community and kids can be awful to each other if you're considered out of the norm. It was bad enough with being the only Jew in school...I'm a bit jealous and very happy for ace teens now. At the very least, they have communities online where they can feel they belong and/or are accepted.
Figuring out I was ace also made me wonder about my romantic attraction. I, again, wanted to at least have that so I could feel more 'normal'. Nope. About as aro as it gets. (Realized that in October that year.) I was hesitant about it until I asked myself why. I think it was a mix of internalized arophobia, amatonormativity, and heteronormativity. Now I embrace that, too. It also made me think about what I do experience. My strongest attraction is platonic. This isn't just wanting to be friends with someone. Best way to describe it is you want to be really close best friends with certain people. It's almost on a spiritual level. I'm pan this way. (No, not everyone is.) There's apparently a newer term going around called oriented aro aces. This is for aro aces that do experience some sort of strong attraction. They tend to add the prefix of that attraction (like people do for their sexual or romantic orientations) first. So, I'd be a pan aro ace. It's useful for if we want some form of a relationship like a qpr. A qpr is a queerplatonic relationship, which is what I would love. A squish is a platonic crush, and I've realized I've had a lot more than I thought. They're kind of confusing at first, especially when you don't realize you're aro ace, because it's not like you want to date or have sex with that person. It can be a strong feeling, too. Another one is aesthetic attraction. Certain people look gorgeous or grab your attention, basically. It's not in a sexual or romantic way. I'm attracted to men this way. Yet another is sensual (tactile way, not sexual) attraction. I don't know if I'm attracted to people this way. Some people get really into figuring this stuff out.
In January, my parent's insurance will change. I'm on my current one as a dependent due to a disability. They deemed I had at least one back in 2012 or 2013. I think that was because of the bipolar 2. Type 2's have lower lows than type 1's. In fact, they're much more at risk for suicide. I was suicidal for years. The mania side isn't the happy type, either. It's racing thoughts, getting irritated easily, taking on too many things, etc. Pretty serious, especially when not treated. I have other mental health issues and now chronic physical health stuff, too. Anyways, the new plan does allow dependents due to a disability, but they have to have some sort of documentation in order to approve it. So, I tried searching for a letter about it in my actual health documents (not online) last week. Saw the letter about them telling me that they'll give me a year extension because my mom passed away, in 2012. I was aging out. After some going back and forth, they eventually approved of me later. But, that approval was not there. I looked at my messages online with them. Nothing. Then, I vaguely remembered that my parent was the one that told me I was approved. I never got a letter from them about it. She found out through her employer somehow. So, I messaged member services yesterday. Hopefully, they'll find something. My parent's looking into things about it, too. It's like a weird puzzle. She told me at first that we only had until November 15th to submit that documentation. Found out yesterday that we actually have until January. Better, but still coming up quickly. She said there's a possibility I could get dental if they approve me as a dependent. I haven't seen a dentist in years. That would be great. Also, knowing that colitis can affect dental stuff, it would be even more important now. Whatever this 2nd autoimmune disease is, it has already messed with my mouth a bit, so it's an added thing.
I'm getting really tired of this mystery pain. It's so intense, at times, that it feels bone-deep. It's not just the pain I'm tired of, but the weak feeling in my arms/parts of my legs, mouth bumps/sores, worsening fatigue (also a symptom of colitis, but this is more than before), bumps/sores on my hands, shaky hands, resistance every time I move my arms, and more. It's really getting annoying. Especially when I'm asked how I am at stores, or feel I need to look healthy and friendly while out. It's like I put up a facade to make other people feel more comfortable. That's draining in itself. If I stop smiling or be honest and tell someone I'm not feeling well, I feel like others will think I'm angry or make them feel bad for caring. Or, they'll want me to explain why I don't feel well, which if I'm at a store to get something, I'm most likely not going to want to go into detail. I've heard from other people in IBD groups on fb feeling similarly. It's a weird dilemma. I felt odd last time someone at the bakery at a local market asked me how I was. I was feeling really awful at the time, but smiled and lied saying things were good. She always asks me.
I messaged my rheumatologist asking about getting blood tests that were suggested. They were suggested in the notes of the scl-70 blood test. Saying that about 20% of patients with scleroderma test positive for it, so there are other tests to get a better picture. If I truly don't have it, they'll all be negative. At least we could check. I really feel like that's what it is, but it could be something similar. I don't know. I forgot to tell him where I saw these suggestions, and asked me. I've apparently already been tested for one of them, so that's good. Another one there was a lab error and they weren't able to do it. I wasn't told this before. He said he could order that test again and the others. Hopefully, he still will after telling him that the suggestions come from the notes. I still have to make a dermatologist appointment, but I'm hesitant to do it until after I know what's going to happen with my insurance. I might wait until then.
Apparently, the dishwasher started working again last night. It was getting harder to hand-wash my dishes after every meal, so that was a relief. Seems to have done it on its own. My parent's still going to have someone look at it.
I managed to get a walk in yesterday! Yay! My routine walks are roughly 2 miles. Haven't gotten to it in a long time. I've decided a way to get myself to do it is to go right after dinner. Harder to 'forget' if there's a set time, and I won't be as distracted with other things. Also, taking a shower right after every other is a pretty good incentive, I think. I can't take showers every day, because of lots of skin issues (that I know of), so I try to take one every other day. Half the time, I won't have to feel sweaty afterwards. I apparently ate late enough that it was dark halfway through it. That's ok. I have a small flashlight. For the entire time I was out there, it was raining heavily and windy. I have a new umbrella, which helped. However, the rain came in on the sides under the umbrella a bit. My socks and part of my jeans were soaked by the time I got home. Despite all that, it was nice to finally get out there again. If I can keep this up every day for a few weeks, I might be able to add another walk. There was a time when I did 3 of them a day. Not sure if I'll get to that point.
Today, I finished the Romance unit and am halfway through the Past Part. one in Duolingo's Dutch course. The Romance one was more interesting than I expected. There was some LGBTQ+ representation. Also, some sentences were about consent. Some on not wanting anything romantic or sexual, but to cuddle instead. I know as a company they're very affirming and accepting of LGBTQ+ people, but it was cool to see. By the end, I made it to #4 in the Ruby League. That's pretty good. Hopefully, I can keep it up.
Yesterday, I figured out how I wanted the folds in Junko's clothes to look, then inked it all. I might keep the pencil marks on it to help edit it in Photoshop. Although, it'll be messier. Still on the fence about it. Next time I'll decide on that and start editing in Photoshop.
Got to editing more of Alliance. Finished chapter 14, and am well into chapter 15. Went through 7 pages of the ebook, and 11 pages of the print.
Practiced my clarinet. Finished the Clarinet Solos book, Duke Ellington book, and started the Gershwin one. Played better than expected. Hopefully, I can keep this up for the rest of the week.
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