Election Day!

I voted through the mail last Wednesday. Some of it was difficult, because I didn't recognize some of the names and they weren't affiliated with certain parties. I tried to make an informed decision on those. 2 of the candidates running for school board, one of them I was familiar with beforehand, would be awful if they won. One that seemed a little too into 'loving kids', and the other is a big transphobe who probably hates anyone else in the greater queer community. I think I also recognized another name that was a member of one of the local synagogues. That'd be cool if she won. Some candidates seemed overqualified, if that were possible. Others essentially said vote for me since I'm running for another term. Nothing on their background or education. One initiative seemed like a no-brainer to be for. Unless you weren't for diversity...Another one was easy to vote against. It was put out by someone who tries to get ridiculous initiatives to pass every year. Usually harmful in some way. I didn't really like that there were so many advisory votes this time. Sure, it's great to get the people's opinion, but you've already voted on them. If there were like 2 or 3, that would have been fine. It seemed like there were around 8 of them. 

This is my wallpaper for November. It's one of Luffy's wanted posters from One Piece. He is a pirate after all. His current bounty is much higher than this. The higher the bounty a pirate has, the higher the notoriety and standing they have in their world. The Marines consider them more of a threat and dangerous the higher the bounty. Sometimes they don't get the right picture of the person, and others are mistaken for them. The currency that most of their world uses is called the Belly or Berry (the English version can't seem to decide, the romaji is berii). There are some islands that have their own currency. Like, Extol for Skypeia and Gor for Amazon Lily. Wano's currency is: Gold, Platinum, and Silver. Wano is where they are in the anime currently. It's inspired by Feudal Japan. The art, isolation of the country, dialects, fashion, culture, having a shogunate, etc. are all based on it. It's interesting how detailed it is. Seems to be like an homage to that time. Not glorifying it, but more like showcasing it. Some of the designs of the characters living in Wano look like they walked right out of some famous art pieces from back then. A different style than most of the series. I think it also shows the hardships of the poor of that time. The creator of the series doesn't shy away from tackling topics like slavery, bigotry, corruption, gender equality, genocide, grief, etc. in general. In Wano, most people are starving and can't afford things like good health care. The water around them is completely polluted and toxic. The animals drink the water and therefore are poisonous to humans. Meanwhile, the capital and major cities are living lavishly. Anyways, I thought this looked fun and cool. Not really birthday related (my birthday's on Thursday), but nice. Luffy is also aro ace, according to an interview of the creator. Pretty awesome that the main character of one of the most popular manga/anime is aro ace! So, somewhat related to me that way.

The month-long holidays for November are: National Peanut Butter Lovers Month, National Pomegranate Month, Banana Pudding Lovers Month, National Memoir Writing Month, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. 

Last Wednesday, we had a local trans meeting. There were only a handful of us. We had moved to a much bigger room. Seemed funny almost with such a small group of us. Most of the people that were there were non-binary, which was great to me. Not the usual. They wanted to have the same type of top surgery I wanted. People get weirded out when I bring up that nipples cause dysphoria for me, too. It's not just my chest. So, I'll need all of it to go. No masculinizing or feminizing. Simply flat. A member tried to talk me out of it a few months ago. That it seemed too out there. Seeing the pics that people share in fb enby groups of their after nippleless top surgery looks amazing to me. Looks more like how I'd want to see myself. 

We all went to Shari's afterwards. I got their new simple pretzel cheeseburger. The burger seemed like a veggie one. I expected beef. It looked weird. Got their new graveyard shake for dessert. It's supposed to be a s'mores galore pie shake (they blend an entire slice with ice cream to make it) with added chocolate syrup, Oreo crumbs for the 'dirt' part, and gummy worms. They were out of the 'worms', didn't have much of the 'dirt', added a little piece of chocolate on top, and there didn't seem to be any extra chocolate syrup. There was a huge glob of what I think was a concentrated graham cracker ball. It was disappointing and bizarre. 

I felt a little uneasy when one of the new members said that all trans people are autistic. Many trans people are, but many aren't. I think it seems like it's an unusually high percentage because trans people are often tested for it more. Often they, or other people around them, feel like something must be wrong with them for being trans. It's also this way for the rest of the LGBTQ+ community. It's more common in the cis/non-queer population than people think. Many of them go undiagnosed. There's nothing wrong with people who are autistic, but there is something wrong with saying all trans people are. What about cis autistic people? Are they really trans and don't know it? What about trans people who aren't? It might feel invalidating to them to hear that all trans people are. Correlation does not equal causation. I'm not autistic. However, I'm not exactly neurotypical, either. I have a lot of mental health stuff (bipolar 2, anxiety, agoraphobia, PTSD, etc.) and physical chronic illnesses (colitis, possibly another autoimmune disease, Eustachian tube dysfunction, multiple skin issues, etc.). Both have an impact on the way I think that would be different than someone who was healthy mentally and physically. Since I have these things, does it mean all trans people do as well? No. Not at all. I have a different perspective as an aro ace agender person as well. (Compared to allo cis people.) Being trans simply means you have a gender that doesn't match the one you were assigned at birth. That says nothing about mental health, being autistic, or other aspects of who that person is or what they have. Are all cis people the same? No. Thank goodness we're all different. The world would be boring if we were all the same.

We also talked about possibly having a potluck for my birthday at the next meeting tomorrow. Since it's the day before it. We don't celebrate birthdays as a group often. I can only remember 2 times in the past. It might be a fun thing to do in the future for members, though. My parent suggested she'd bring a cake and others could bring snack-like stuff. That sounds good. Not sure if it's actually going to happen. I might forget about it tomorrow until right before the meeting starts. 

Someone on fb friended me that same day. I didn't recognize the name, but their profile mentioned they graduated a year ahead of me at the same high school. Although, they graduated from another high school at the same time...That seemed fishy. They had many mutual friends, so I thought maybe I didn't remember them. He seemed really nice on messenger that first night. Although, he insisted he'd find a way to make me feel better. That seemed questionable. On Halloween, he asked what I'll be doing. Seemed innocent enough. I said probably not much other than watch a horror movie and have dinner out. He asked about wearing a costume. I didn't wear one this year, but I did wear skeleton earrings. He said he'd like to see them in person. He said he doesn't get any trick-or-treaters, and his camper is so cold. He'd want someone with him. According to his profile he's either bi or pan, which I thought was cool. Not cool that he seemed like he was trying to flirt with me, get 'romantic', and creepy. Being aro ace, it takes me a while to realize someone is flirting with me, unless I'm hyper-aware. People tend to think I'm flirting when I'm just being nice, friendly, and polite. I don't want another romantic relationship. I had a boyfriend and that part was suffocating for me. He was all over me trying to be as romantic as possible, and often sexual which I wasn't that into either. I put up with it, because I felt I had to. (Silly society...) I was very attached to him emotionally, and strongly attracted platonically (I guess queerplatonically would be a better word). Because of this, it really hurt when we broke up. Anyways, I would love a queerplatonic relationship instead. It's hard to find that, though. This exchange creeped me out. I also wonder how people can flirt with others when they barely know the person. I understand after knowing the basics of who they are. Why not become friends first? I blocked this person, by the way.

Went to Red Lobster on Halloween for dinner. I was surprised to see any kids there. It was a way to get away from trick-or-treaters for a while. We live right in the middle of the neighborhood, right at a 3-way stop. It's a popular spot to go. It was like that even when I was kid. For the last few years we haven't been handing out candy. It's been nice that way. We just turn out the lights and usually go somewhere else for a while. I got steak with mashed potatoes and a caprese salad there. It comes with a choice of soup or salad. I didn't get either. All their soups now have shellfish or pork products, and the salads upset my gut, particularly the greens part. So, I got none of that. The caprese salad is perfect for me. I don't have issues with tomatoes. I don't eat the onions. The mozzarella is good for protein, and basil is healthy too. It's all in balsamic vinegar, which is oddly good for me. I don't normally get steak, but it was done right. It's a perfect form of more protein. All together, it was one of their lower-calorie meals, so I managed to eat most of it. Had their vanilla bean cheesecake for dessert. One of my faves. I'm never able to finish it, since it's so huge.

I don't really have plans for my birthday. Probably would celebrate it more this coming weekend. I do want brunch at the Oak Table. Went there last year, too. I'd like to go somewhere for a dinner, but not sure what really speaks to me for that. Might be at a Japanese steakhouse, but I also like a lot of other restaurants. Last year, we went to the Cheesecake Factory, I think. I went there not that long ago, so I wouldn't want that. Went to a zoo last year and got a mani/pedi. Not really feeling those this time. Maybe some museums? Not sure which ones, though. 

I've been in even more pain lately. Especially in the right side of my abdomen and more intense patches in my right arm. I also passed quite a bit of blood recently. No #2, just blood. (Not related to a 'monthly friend' I would have if my IUD wasn't working.) That was fun. Had a slight reaction to that. I think my colitis might be flaring, although I've never had blood come out of me like that. I did have occult blood in a test, but none that was visible. It's common for people with Ulcerative Colitis to bleed a lot. I've had symptoms resembling Crohn's Disease more. Crohn's also can affect the colon. I think the pain on my side might be from my colon. That blood might have been from that area. (It hasn't bled since.) It's a constant cramp-like pain. Lying down makes it feel like it's oozing out and it twitches a lot. Not sure about my arm. There's resistance to both arms when I move them. The right one feels like it's been beaten up, someone's pushing on it in certain areas, and it burns. I have to wait to see what goes on with my insurance before I can do much about this stuff. It's just a pain to deal with. Still haven't gotten those 3 other test results back. I don't know if they take a while to run. It'd be nice to know those results already, though.

Youtube: 

One Piece:



Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler):

Fairy Tail:


Ao no (Blue) Exorcist:

Boku no (My) Hero Academia:

One Punch Man:

Ansatsu Kyoushitsu (Assassination Classroom):

Black Clover:

Bungou (Literary) Stray Dogs:

National Pasta Day!

This holiday was on Tuesday. I love pasta! 😍 Could probably eat it all day every day. That wouldn't be very healthy, though.😅I like pretty much all the shapes I know of. The thick pasta seem fancy to me. Having it for special times, like Shabbat. It's probably because I'm not as used to that type of pasta.

I've felt pretty crummy gut-wise this week. 😞 So much so, I've wondered if I'm flaring again. The only way to really know for sure is through tests...As long as I don't have a prolonged fever, throwing up every day, and losing weight faster than usual; I can't do much about it.😒If any of those things were happening, I've been told to go to the hospital immediately. The pain has increased on both sides of my abdomen, which scares me a bit. I think I'm reacting to food more often again, as well. 

I was able to make a phone appointment with my gastro for the end of next month. She wanted me to make it for the end of this one. There was only one other one that was sooner, but it was around 8am.😳Even if I was up at that time, it still seems too early for a phone call to me. Not only that, but they have it as possibly calling 30 minutes before or after the appointment time...I might ask her about having tests done again. I think by then it'd be a few months since the last round of them. It'd be the first one since I started Lialda, and we could see how that's going with those tests. 

Last week, I tried on an old embroidered keyhole knit sweater. It fit surprisingly well.😳It's supposed to be clingy, which I'm not used to. I don't think I've been able to fit into it since I was 19. That was just before the infamous 'freshman 15' people usually gain in college. I'm almost 33. That's a long time.😮 I don't particularly like how much it accentuates my chest. Every time I bend over a little, it shows a lot of cleavage through the keyhole, which I don't really like either. 😑The rest of it feels nice. 

I decided to look at other old clothes a few days later. Most of these old clothes I hadn't worn since high school. Pretty much everything I tried fit. This was really surprising, good, and slightly weird to me. I found 2 flannel shirts (wore these quite often in high school), a red long-sleeved shirt with white embroidery, and 2 cardigans. I think the traditional Chinese shirt (don't remember the name of it) fit, too. It's fancy and cool looking. However it takes some maneuvering to get it on yourself. It has lots of buttons and a zipper on the side. I was trying it on over something else, too. This was the most surprising one to fit into, to me. It's rather small. Even when I got it from a women's day conference thing years ago, it was small and tight on me. 

So, with all these things fitting, I'm basically the same size as I was in high school. 😌I didn't think I'd make it back to this size. I also thought I was gaining weight again. I'm apparently still losing it. It's kind of scary that way. I want to be back to the normal weight range for someone like me, though. This means I'm getting there faster than I expected. I'm only going to truly worry if I somehow become underweight. 

I joined some more LGBTQ+ groups on facebook. 2 generalized ones, and another non-binary one. Also, found another IBD group. The generalized LGBTQ+ group I was apart of beforehand was really weird. Especially after the fights about allies in the acronym. The creator had some bizarre ideas. After that drama, hardly anyone posted. 🙄So, I dropped that one. I like having a generalized group for it. Feels more like a community. There aren't very many of them, and some of them can be ace/arophobic as well as enby-phobic. The 2 I just joined seem very inclusive. One of those groups has it as 16+ for the minimum age. They just recently made a 30+ group. I might join that as well. Not sure if I'll drop the 16+ if I do that. We'll see. 

The new enby group seems more active and interesting. There are actually questions and topics we can discuss. The other one was mainly just selfies and intros. 😑The new one apparently has another subgroup. I dropped a couple of ace groups, because they weren't active. There aren't that many ace groups on fb as it is. The new IBD group has a huge amount of members, and it's a lot more active than the other one because of that. I can connect more with that community this way, too. 

I've made at least one fb friend through the new enby group. Another one added me as well through one of the ace groups. Very interesting. Their requests were like a day apart. Another person that I knew beforehand through the local trans group friended me too. That was a day after those other 2. Cool. I'm all for people friending me, as long as they don't harass me, and I know them through some sort of group. 😊

In the new enby group, someone asked if all afab enby people identify as trans masc. Many people think of the stereotype that enbies tend to be masculine or look that way. Afab is assigned female at birth, by the way. I'm afab, and agender. I tend to like some things that are considered 'feminine', but it's like a pretty and fun mask. 🎭I don't particularly feel femme or masc. In my mind it's kind of hard to feel either if you don't have a gender. Unless it's referring to clothes or expression, I guess? Still, clothes don't actually have a gender. Many of the 'men's' clothes honestly look bland and boring from what I've seen. Although, some of their vests look interesting. I'm actually thinking of looking more into that stuff, too. Anyways, some people were also saying since they're enby, they're not trans. That's not...how it works. 🤦‍♀️Trans means that your gender is different than the one that was assigned to you at birth. So, technically being enby makes you trans. Sure, it's up to the individual to decide if they want that label, but that's personal. I put that I'm trans, enby, and genderqueer. I like all of those. Honestly, I don't know which of those last 2 I like more. They mean the same thing, but some people are uncomfortable with the word queer. (Totally understandable.) That's how enby came about. It's newer than genderqueer. Someone felt exactly the way I did about all this, which was cool. 😎Someone else loved it. 

Another person said they didn't feel enby enough because they still use she/her pronouns.😨 She's agender. She wasn't sure about they/them for herself. Many people, like me, said you should use whatever you feel comfortable with. You're still valid as an enby. ☺️I've been thinking about my pronouns, too. I still use she/her, because I'm used to it. They/them seems interesting and logical for someone like me, but I don't really know if it's right...🤔I don't have to decide immediately, though. 

We finally had a meeting for the trans group. Couldn't find a place for it during the summer. There was a pretty decent amount of people. We had one new person, which was good. I talked more about agender stuff during my check-in. Found out one member is agender, but leaning on the masculine side. I suppose that's kind of like the idea behind the ace/aro spectrums? It was interesting. A couple of members, who weren't there, are bigender. I can't imagine having one let alone 2 genders at once, but that's still cool. 😳There are pangender people out there, as well. That's incomprehensible to me to be all genders at once. Even more fascinating, though. A couple of the older trans women seemed to be confused by some of it. They're willing to learn, though.

I brought up how I've been thinking about top surgery (double mastectomy). I've always felt weird about my chest. Especially when they 'exploded' a couple of years into college. It felt more 'right' when I was small. They've felt foreign since they grew, too. 😨I still want 'feminine' clothes to fit me. Someone suggested a reduction instead. That might be ok, however there's still a health risk side. My mom had breast cancer, her mom had it, and one of my mom's sister's had it. I saw what it did to my mom. I don't want that to happen to me. 😣So, getting top surgery will both be a gender and health thing. Doctors will most likely get behind it if I only bring up the health risk part. They still might fight with me. Saying I'm too young for such a drastic change. I'm tempted to bring it up with my primary, but I don't like her anymore. We'll see.

Icons or avatars were brought up that people looked up to. Many people thought about others that they felt they could relate to gender-wise. Mine have always been people like Marie Curie, Audrey Hepburn, and Coco Chanel. I think in the past, I went with what body-type I had. I feel weird with saying female-bodied, but some trans people use it. These were fierce, smart, beautiful, and cool women. I also went by personality rather than gender. The thing is, I don't know any out agender celebrity, scientist, or other icons. So, I can't truly see my gender represented through anyone. 😒

When I brought up Audrey Hepburn, one of the older women said: "oh, you mean Katherine Hepburn." It took me a moment, because I wasn't sure why she 'corrected' me on it. 🤔After a moment, she added: "since she was a tomboy." No. Agender doesn't equal tomboy. 🤦‍♀️Tomboys still are women. I meant who I said, too. 

We might have a Halloween party at the next meeting. 🎃That meeting will be on the 1st, so it makes sense. It'd be a nice, fun, and social thing. I just have no idea what I'd wear for a costume. 

My birthday is November 7th. 🎉Coming up really quickly. I don't have anything planned yet, nor a list of what I want for it. I'm horrible at making birthday lists. 😒I might want a new computer. Mine is having issues going online, and isn't supported by Microsoft anymore. Can't decide between Mac or Windows. I think it'd be cool to have an all-in-one. Computers have come a long way since my current one. Another thing might be a black ring. I might go out to eat for it, go shopping, maybe see a movie at the theater, etc. I don't really know yet.🤷‍♀️

I've made it to practicing my clarinet for 55 minutes. Yay! ☺️Next week I might start doing it for an hour. I don't want to practice for longer than that. I'm sounding much better now. Trying to play things I usually skip, too. 

Finished the agender chapter in the memoir. Ended up being longer than I expected. I'll get back to the travel one next time. At the moment, I'm covering stuff from Kentucky. The state I was born in. The sequel to Alliance has been interesting so far. I'm still not sure where it's headed.🤔

I noticed that Dad had created a playlist based on her memoir. It gave me the idea that maybe I should make one for mine as well as for my other books. That sounds like it'll be fun, and I might feel closer to them. The Sweet Endless Terror one would be probably the easiest to make. A lot of Halloween and other scary/ominous music. 👻🎵

I've kind of given up on the local ace group.😔 No one showed up for months when I went regularly to the cafe. No one has asked where we are since I stopped going. No one's posted in the online group for a long time. I was pretty much the one to post stuff. There were one or two allies that did too, but no one else. It just...seems sad.😣 It seems they want a group, but once they're a member they don't do anything. I get that some people want a more private place, but this was voted on. Also, we don't have many options available to us. 

At some point, I still want to go back to my ace media list. I want to search a bit longer for stuff to add, and then share it. I think I'll share it here somehow, in the inactive local ace group, other ace groups on fb, on ace forums, etc. I want it out there, and people can suggest adding more to it. That way there's an even broader list over time. It just takes time with this stuff. It might be a while before I share it.😞

National Authors Day!

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This holiday was yesterday. Yay! A day just for authors! They should be appreciated more. I'm not just saying that because I am one.Authors have the ability to create worlds, open people's minds, to educate, give people an escape, etc. Pretty amazing!It was also National Vinegar Day. I love vinegar! It makes some dishes more intense and flavorful. Also, one of my fave types of potato chips are salt and vinegar. Malt vinegar is good with fish and chips. Some people say that vinegar is the 'secret' ingredient they use for baked goods. 

This is my wallpaper for November. It's my birth month. So, I usually use a fun, party-like, feel good, beautiful, etc. one. I think this goes with a laid back feel good one, and is perfect. It's Rin and Kuro from Ao no Exorcist or Blue Exorcist. Kuro also has a much larger form. He's basically a cat demon that becomes Rin's familiar. I don't usually find very many good AnE wallpapers, but I did a couple of months ago. You can look forward to some more of those in the future. Also, the anime version is coming back for a 2nd season. The anime ended in 2011, and is coming back in January. That's a long hiatus.The manga started in 2009 and is still going. I'm up to date on that. I remember the anime diverged at some point from the manga, and had an original ending. I'm not sure if they're going to go back to the manga, if they can, or it'll just be something totally different. A lot of stuff happened since it diverged from the original plot. I guess we'll see. Still exciting.

My beagle calendar has one sitting on some grass near a body of water, looking on. The info blurb is about their temperament. The fun fact mentions that a beagle was mentioned in Shakespeare's 12th Night. 

My Jewish calendar features a tevah cover, has an anonymous maker; made out of silk, metal thread, copper; from Persia; 1600. I actually had to look up 'tevah cover'. I don't think that term is used that often. It's a cover for a reader's desk. It looks really worn down, but I'm surprised it's from 1600. It's got a floral pattern. Kind of reminds me of a Persian rug design. It also features a parochet, made by Coenraads; out of velvet, cotton, glass, and metal threads; from Rotterdam, Netherlands; 1875. Parochets are curtains that cover the Torah ark. Often times these are switched to a white versions during the High Holy Days. This one's mostly red with a golden-looking design. In that design there's a slightly unrolled Torah, with lots of writing underneath it (It's so small, I can't read it), interesting banner that encompasses it with tassels on the sides, then a stylized crown on top of that, what looks to be stars at the very top with an interesting border separating the stars and the rest of it. Kind of cool. 

The month-long holidays are: Georgia Pecan Month, National Pomegranate Month, Banana Pudding Lovers Month, National Adoption Month, National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo). Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. I love all those food related ones! I don't think I could write an entire novel in one month.That's what NaNoWriMo is about. That's a monumental feat. Even if you're going for the bare minimum amount of words for it.

My birthday's on the 7th!Coming up fast! Not sure what I'll do for it. Might do a somewhat low key one like last year. Probably will celebrate during the weekend. I kind of got an early present this past weekend. It's an adult dot-to-dot book. I found it at Barnes and Noble, which was the same place I found an adult coloring book a couple of years before. That coloring book was designed by a tattoo artist. Most of them are really cool looking even before coloring them in. I wouldn't personally want a tattoo (for many reasons), but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the art.This dot-to-dot book seems complex and intricate. Probably would be good to focus on when I'm in a lot of pain...There are animals, landscapes, famous artworks, monuments, etc. that are featured. Some of them have over 400 dots, and some have 2 different lines. One with numbers, and the other with letters. Sounds fun to me. They also encourage people to color them in after completing each one.

I was going to be a pirate for Halloween. Didn't have the makings for one, though. So, I ended up going with an ace flag color theme. All the clothes to it were/are really big on me. Kind of felt like I was swimming in it, but it was still fun.Used the cat gloves from the costume I wore last year. I don't have too many grey colored things, and the pads to those gloves are. I was going to use my octopus earrings and matching necklace for the pirate costume. I wore them with this one instead. They're silver, so I used it for more of the grey part. Tried to use all the colors for the eye shadow, but they didn't really stand out.Found the most purple-like lipstick I had, which was really fuchsia with 'blue pearl'. Used quite a bit of foundation to make my face look whiter than usual to follow it. It's normally pretty white. I usually have to get either ivory or porcelain colored foundation.My face also turns red quite often, so it looks like I'm blushing most of the time. I think I ended up with more of the black in my costume than the other colors. I'm ace, so that's ok with me. The black stands for asexuals or aces. Also, we got Halloween candy just for Dad and I. We stayed in, turned out the lights (that way we didn't have trick-or-treaters), and watched things. I think we watched an episode or 2 of Glitch, which is really interesting. I watched the Lazarus Effect after that. It wasn't that great. Seemed it had some potential at the beginning, but it went off the rails quickly.

I had some spanakopitas for dinner on Halloween. I love spanakopitas! They were from Costco. Turned out pretty good. I cooked them in the oven, like they suggested. Ended up really crispy and flaky on the outside, and soft on the inside. They're packed full of the spinach and cheese filling. (In case you didn't know what it was, and there was more filling than I expected.) Each one was filling in itself.Still have quite a lot left in the box. Of course, I had some candy for dessert. We got these candies: candy corn, mini mounds bars, twix, snickers, milky ways (dark and regular), and 3 Musketeers. The last 4 were a bagged mix, and bite sized. We both love candy corn, which apparently is rare?I can only have a few of those at a time, because of how sugary they are. The only candy I don't really care for are the mounds bars. Those are Dad's favorite, so she can have them. I mixed them up in a big bowl, and after having some for dessert, bagged them all together. So, yay! A fun mix!

On facebook, I posted my thoughts on people telling me they see my mom through me. I've posted in the past about that on here. I mentioned it on fb this time, because I was starting to get a couple more people telling me that phrase. It's incredibly creepy.Anyways, some people commented about how people look like their parents, and there's no helping it. That wasn't the point of it.There's a difference between looking like your parents vs seeing them through you. I think some people also don't want to admit that most of my physical traits are actually more like Dad's. They want my mom to still be there somewhere, and force that image on me. That's not cool. Not cool for anyone.I did look a lot more like her when I was little, and was even told that we looked like sisters. As I matured, I've looked more like Dad. Also, this saying gets somehow even more creepy with the context that my mom was very sick for a while. Their image of her might be different, but this still frames it a bit more for me. If she hadn't been sick for so long, it wouldn't feel like that. Although, it still would be odd. I'm still glad I put that post out there. It's been eating at me for a while.

I went back to watching Naruto Shippuden recently. I stopped because of all the 'fillers' that seemed pointless. I'm only about 3 months behind at the moment, but I can skip the pointless episodes now. (I've skipped a lot of them already.) There are lists for those fillers. So, I'll catch up pretty quickly. Especially if I watch 2 at a time. The episodes aren't that long. (It's the normal length of just over 20 minutes without the opening and ending.) They say there isn't much left of the story, anyways. The manga finished a while ago. There's even a movie, I think, about what happens after the manga. At the point I'm at, it's really good. Even the animation seems high end to me. (It's ranged with quality in that throughout the series.) Almost making the characters seem real. I didn't forget the main story either, which is only getting better. Kind of the reason I'm going back to it is to see how it turns out.

Youtube:
A Naruto Shippuden amv:

A Pandora Hearts amv:

6th Day of Sukkot!

Mood:

2 more days of Sukkot!It's a harvest holiday. The word sukkot literally means booths. So, many translate the holiday as: the Festival of Booths. It refers to outdoor temporary walled (not entirely walled off) structures with a 'roof' made out of plant material. They're usually decorated with things like pine combs, fake fruit and vegetables, and other things that might remind people of a harvest or fall in general. We're encouraged to live in a sukkah (singular form) during the holiday. Basically to remember when we were wandering the desert. Most people will have their meals out in one. Some actually do camp out in it. There are some really elaborate ones. Many also invite guests to sit out with them. They're called ushpizin. So, it's kind of a hospitality thing, too.When we would put one up in the backyard, we'd invite people over to enjoy it. Most of the guests weren't Jewish, and it was a way for them to get a taste of what Judaism is like. We also shake and say blessings over a lulav and etrog while we're in it. Together, the lulav and etrog are considered the '4 species'. Lulav is a palm branch, 2 willow branches, and 3 myrtle branches tied together. The etrog is a type of citrus. Similar to a lemon. Some people make jam out of it after the holiday. I've never had that, and it sounds interesting.I kind of miss having ours up, and enjoying it out there. Although, it's pretty cold outside right now.

Yesterday was Caramel Apple Day. I have a hard time eating these, but they're really good.Interesting when people dip them in a bunch of other things, too. Like cookies, candy pieces, candied peanuts, chocolate pieces, etc. Seems a little too much. It's sweet enough as is.

I thought it would be fun to use a Halloween themed wallpaper a couple of weeks before the holiday. Seems like this one fits. It's Ciel being controlled by Drossel Keinz from Kuroshitsuji or Black Butler. I think Drossel was only in the anime version, and it was a brief arc. Drossel was a puppeteer that turned into a puppet after death. He loves to make puppets and dolls. I barely remember that arc, but he would control people with his strings. Basically, making them his living puppets. They'd go into a trance, and do whatever he wanted. I think he made Lizzie fight Ciel and Sebastian. She snapped out of the trance, but still couldn't move her body on her own. Dolls can be really creepy, and the idea that you don't have control over your own body is scary.So, it's perfect for the holiday!

I did 'attend' Central Synagogue's Yom Kippur services online. Pretty much all of them. The first night one, morning, afternoon, Torah study, and the ending night one. Felt like I had spent time with them without actually meeting them. The one who lead the Torah study was the president (who's also a rabbi) of the Reform movement. It's the largest Jewish movement/branch in America. Smallest in Israel. (The Orthodox have a stranglehold on everything there, but secular Jews are actually the largest population.) I think it's called the Progressive movement in Europe. I was raised in it, and still am Reform. Although, I've been debating Modern Orthodoxy. As you can tell with what the Europeans call it, it's a very liberal branch. Very inclusive, and continuing to become more so. He apparently was very close to the head rabbi there. A local synagogue that I was apart of had a previous president actually lead one of the High Holy Day services. I think he retired recently, and this one stepped in. 

He talked about inclusion of other Jews in our community. How do we unite together? Instead of having one group of Jews pitting against others. (Even some Reform Jews look down on secular ones. It's more complicated than some people think.) Embrace our differences, and try to compromise on things. This can be very difficult between the Orthodox branches and others like ours. I agree, though. People need to stop the infighting. Although, it's much worse in Israel.

The actual services were pretty good. There was a cantor visiting from Israel. She had a certain accent when she sang and spoke in Hebrew. Reminded me of how some of the people I met in Israel spoke. Thought it was pretty cool. 

The pain seems to have gotten worse.When I lie down on my back in bed, it feels like my intestines are falling/oozing out of my abdomen. There's a lot of squeezing and spasming in there, too. The squeezing is relatively new. It started off as a gentle, barely noticeable, squeeze. It's almost unbearable now. Like, someone's pulling, pushing, clamping down, moving it sideways, etc. on my intestines.It gurgles a lot while lying down, too. This makes it very difficult to sleep. (As if I wasn't already having problems sleeping...) Even if I lie on my usually ok side, my left, I get this weird feeling. It feels like it's open to the air most of the time. Like, no skin, muscle, fat, etc. around it. Occasionally, it feels like I'm stabbed with a hot poker while it's spasming. Also, found a lump that seems a bit dense where it tends to hurt the most. It's starting to scare me, too. It might just be inflammation from either my intestines or something near it. Feels like almost everything in my body is being affected. This might be because I've been experiencing nonstop pain for a while. The majority of it really started in June. Supposedly when I was supposed to be in remission. If I were, then why?And, why am I having certain issues with the bathroom still? 

I'm having a harder time eating, as well. I have to actually tell myself to do it. I don't really feel hunger anymore, and feel full most of the time. Even if the only meals I've had are lunch and dinner. I tell myself I have to at least have those, since I have to have food with my meds. That's a sad thing for me.Things at least taste good still.

Tylenol does absolutely nothing for it. The old bentyl pills only make me sleepy every other time I take it. Not sleepy enough to put me to sleep. I was taking them just for that. I ran out of the miralax last week, and tried to take some milk of magnesia. The milk of magnesia made me feel very sick those last couple of times. My stomach felt extremely full after taking it. Yet, I hadn't eaten for at least a couple of hours before both times. The miralax did eventually help with the constipation, but for about that last week on it, I had horrible diarrhea. It got even worse with the milk of magnesia. I still have it bad at times with that. Why can't it be in between? I feel like a yo-yo.I think I might have a partial obstruction, stricture, or some sort of adhesion working on making that partial obstruction. It's got to be something. They say with all of these that laxatives might actually make it worse. Yay!I'm still taking the probiotics. Not sure if they're doing anything, but might as well keep it up.

I made an appointment Thursday for an MRE or Magnetic Resonance Enterography. It's a type of MRI that looks specifically at the small intestines. Something that definitely could shed some light on things. The closest appointment time they had was for the beginning of December. Kind of a while to wait.I can't eat within 4 hours of it. I have to be there 1 1/2 hours before the 'procedure'. Probably will take the contrast at this time. It lasts for 2 hours. I'm going to be super hungry at the end of this. (If I feel 'normal'.) They have to have a specialized nurse for the whole thing. I didn't think it would be such a big to do.I thought I'd take the contrast, the testing would take maybe a few minutes, and I'd leave. They even asked if I needed sedation. Another big test to go through. At least it's not something like a colonoscopy/endoscopy or sigmoidoscopy. Those are much bigger and scarier to me. I have to get a blood draw within 30 days of it, too. 

I read that they can watch how everything functions in that area. Things like my blood vessels, intestines moving, blood flow, etc. That actually sounds really cool.Makes sense that it'd be that long, in that way. I want a copy of the results of this test. Fun to watch my innards work, and see what's so messed up about them.

I also rescheduled my gastro appointment for a couple of weeks into November. I think my gastro wanted to have the MRE done beforehand. Oh well. I've done everything else. I got the radiologist's interpretation of the x-rays back. Not the actual images. Apparently, they didn't see anything abnormal. I think my gastro wasn't expecting much from that in the first place. The MRE is a different story.

I also recently talked about different attractions, on facebook. I might talk about it a little differently here. It's important to me, because I get to learn more about myself, and figure out what type of partner I might want in the future. There are 5 main ones, from what I've read. Sexual, romantic, aesthetic, sensual, and platonic. Most people have these aligned a certain way. Like their sexual, romantic, and sensual ones will all be the same. Many seem to have a hard time differentiating between those. They're just so well linked together for them. 

Many aces aren't aligned so well. Some are romantically attracted to people, and some aren't. For my romantic attraction I'm leaning a lot more towards aromantic or aro, the more I think about it. Meaning I'm not romantically attracted to anyone. Sometimes I go back and forth in my head between this, greyromantic, and demiromantic. Greyromantics only very rarely, and sometimes when they do barely, feel romantic attraction. Demiromantics feel romantic attraction after establishing an extremely close bond with someone. It rarely happens, too. I'm reluctant to identify as aro. I think it's because of my own prejudice about it, but learning about it is changing my view.At least, I know I'm not a 'full' romantic. 

Sensual attraction just is 'tactile' based. Not necessarily having to do with sex or romance. Things like holding hands, kisses on cheeks, hugs, cuddling, etc. are under this category. I'm not sure about this one, because I don't usually like to be touched.

Aesthetic attraction is just based on looks. Nothing necessarily sexual or romantic about it. You just like the way someone looks. For me, I think I'm more attracted to men this way. I think some of them look stunning.Some use the gorgeous painting analogy, but I think that makes it sound like people are objects. Not something I'd agree with.I think I might be attracted to men in a way I haven't found the term for. Someday, I might find out.

Platonic attraction is just on who you'd tend to want to be close friends with. Some aros have come up with the term aplatonic. Meaning they aren't attracted to anyone platonically. I have a hard time understanding that idea.Some people will only be best friends with the same gender, opposite gender, both, and a lot of people don't know (or are in denial) about non-binary or genderfluid people. I think society wants us to be close with people of the same gender, which I find very odd. I really love everyone, platonically, regardless of gender. So, I might be pan this way? Some say that might be a thing. Especially if you're ace and/or aro. 'Pan-' means you're attracted (in some way) to people regardless of gender. I think most of my love/attraction went to my platonic one...I really value my friends. With many people who are unsure if they're aro, they can't tell where the difference starts between being platonic and 'romantic'. I'm like that, and it confuses me. I can tell when it's full on romantic stuff, but where it might start is confusing.

I think I do want a partner to experience life with in the future. Just will be an unconventional relationship. We'll be extremely good friends. Something much more than just 'friends', but not romantic partners. I've read some aros are similar. They call relationships like these queerplatonic or quasiplatonic relationships, or qpr's. If I did have one, I'd rather use quasiplatonic. Since 'queer' can have some bad connotations. I also feel odd using that for myself. A qpr is easier, too. They call the partners zucchinis, instead of boyfriend or girlfriend. Interesting. I've also read that people don't have to be aro nor ace to have one. 

Regular dating is weird to me. I don't know if it's because most people are expecting it to lead to sex, or I'm aro/greyromantic and find romantic stuff fake or uncomfortable most of the time. I love seeing friends and family in romantic relationships. It's cute and awesome.Just don't like it so much when it involves me most of the time. (Or seeing it in media, really.) Although, I did eventually like the romantic attention my ex boyfriend gave me. It was just nice, though. Not like I 'needed' it. Took a while to get used to it.

I thought for a long time I was just the 'default' straight. I'm apparently not. When you haven't been exposed to these terms/identities, it makes it hard to know who you are (in this way), or where you might land. I just felt like I eventually would be like everyone else around me. Before the term asexuality became popular, many people who were, identified as bisexual or bi. 'Bi-' means you're attracted (in some way) to men and women. (Many say 2 genders now.) We were categorized as Group X in one of the most famous studies involving us, the Kinsey scale in 1948. It rated sexuality on a scale. The earliest reference of asexuality might have been in 1896. Very interesting to read about some of the history.

I'm thinking of starting my own local ace group. Yesterday, I left a comment on the Seattle ace's closed facebook group. I asked if there already was one in my county, and if not I'll start my own. I highly doubt there is. I'll start with making a closed facebook group for it. This will be the first group I've started on there. If there is enough interest, we could meet in real life. It'd be really cool if it ends up like that. I'll have it open to allies, and people on the ace spectrum. So, people who might not be ace, but in the 'grey' areas can feel welcomed, too. I've seen lists of some of them, and there are a ton of different types in that grey area. It's fascinating. (Not just greysexual and demisexual.) They also have their own flags. We're like a large community encompassing them, as well. Although, even with them, we aren't that big of a community...

I'm unsure what the cover pic and profile pic for the group will have. Maybe the ace flag for the cover, but I'm kind of at a loss for ideas of the profile one. Maybe look at some of the memes? We'll see. Also, the name...I'm not used to this, but should be interesting. Maybe the person who gave me the idea about starting the fb group first will help out, if need be. I found out recently that he actually is on the ace spectrum, which is really cool. One person commented on what I posted on the Seattle aces group, and they said they live in the same county, and would love for a group to meet more locally. So, yay! One other ace from the area that's interested! Happiness!One more than I expected...Another person liked my post on there. Maybe there really is a need. Now I'm getting excited and nervous about it.

I have been reading, editing, and creating an outline of Alliance this past week. (All at the same time.) There's a lot more to edit than I realized. I'm just over halfway through. I haven't read it all the way through like this since I published it about 3 years ago. It's getting an overhaul. The outline is so that I get all the 'details' of things before I make a sequel to it.

When I'm done with that, I'll republish it. I created back cover art for both Alliance and Sweet Endless Terror. I'm planning to publish print versions of both through CreateSpace, or basically Amazon. It's free to do. I just needed to do those back covers, edit both books (I doubt SET will have as many errors, but I might republish it afterwards too), reformat for a print version, and go through their process. The back cover for SET has a knife and ribbon. Representing 2 of the stories. The back cover for Alliance has a different angle of the same scene as what's in the teardrop. Both are pics I've taken. (I drew and colored the knife and ribbon one.) The back cover of that is more distorted, and there's a somewhat dark side and light/happy side to it. A big theme of it is things aren't as they seem. Looking through the teardrop in the brick wall on the front, it looks nicer and happier. Turn to the back, and it's distorted and not the same angle. Like, the grass is always greener until you go to the other side. I like how both back covers turned out. I might have the descriptions of them on the back covers, too. It might be weird to pick up a book, and not see a description. I did read that they distribute to some actual brick-and-mortar bookstores. Should be an interesting process. 

Tomorrow's the start of Asexual Awareness Week. Maybe that's the perfect time to start that group, if I do it.I might switch my profile pics to having the ace flag filter. My main one for places like fb is kind of dark, so I might even change that part. There are some online events/activities for each day (from what I've seen), which is interesting. Coming Out Day was on the 11th, and since I already came out I brought up the attraction thing. Reading some of the stuff from the new groups I'm apart of through fb, and ace related pages, reminded me of making my own group on there. Thus, all the more ace things I'm sharing. Also, with all of those places mentioning AAW, it's also a bit on my mind. I'm still new to the community, and feel energized to learn more about it.