3rd of Cheshvan

I forgot to mention that I have a new passport. It was a busy summer with getting that done, too. It was different compared to the last time I got it. I wasn’t sure if it was going to happen. They even said that my pic might not be good enough, and I might have to take it again somewhere else. It all came together, and I’m happy I have it now. I can travel. Yay! I also got my state ID. That one was easier, but good to have.

Today Daylight Savings Time ended early in the morning. I was hoping to sleep that extra hour. Got up at 6:24am to go to the bathroom. Took a while to go back to sleep. I normally get up at 7:30am. That’s to take my steroid on time. According to my watch (yes, I have an Apple watch now), it said I had 1 hr 3 min of deep sleep. A lot more than my usual.

Started watching You Are What You Eat: A Twin Experiment today. It was weird. Some of it didn’t seem right. I’ll see how it goes. I’m skeptical about it.

Had a great chicken sandwich for lunch. It had a breaded chicken patty (hadn’t had this brand’s before), Colby Jack cheese, bread and butter pickles, a whole type of sweet red pepper (don’t remember the name of it), and some Subway garlic aioli on a sesame seed bun. Had a mandarin orange gel fruit cup with it.

Still doing Spanish with Duolingo. I hit an 1100 day learning streak today. I had a lot of streak freezes for a while, so those days don’t count in between. (So, it’s been much longer than that.) For the last 7 weeks I haven’t used a freeze yet. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. Did 3 lessons. Didn’t miss any. Did all 3 quests for the day. I’m 8th in the league.

Went grocery shopping. I was going to get a Chomps bag, but they only had the singles. So I got 4 of them. Tonight’s dinner was a smoked turkey and dill havarti sandwich. That was pretty good. I just don’t like how much butter they put on it sometimes. It was ok this time with that. Dessert is going to be caramel apple pie. One of my faves. I'll have that as my last snack. I've been doing that often. Having the dessert as my last snack, not right after dinner. I don't know if that helps or not. Sometimes if it's a smaller meal that's not on my splurge days, I will have dessert right after. Then, I'll have a smaller last snack.

I found Amy’s frozen Chili Mac! I hadn’t seen it in a long time. My parent is thinking of making chili for Election Day dinner. We’ll have tortilla chips with it. If I don’t like it, I might have the chili mac instead.

I got some more kimchee. It’s probably good for my gut. It says it’s mild, but it’s a bit spicy to me. Might get sauerkraut instead next time.

I’ve been getting turkey bacon lately, too. This time I got a thick store brand one. I’m trying to get more protein into my diet.

Got a Korean BBQ yakisoba instant noodles. Sounded really good. I try to only have 1 instant noodle thing a week. It’s like a treat that way.

I found a maple pecan Honey Bunches of Oats. That sounded really good. Yes, I’m trying cereals again. Not many taste like cardboard now, which is a plus.

I’ve also been getting Chef Boyardee stuff. Mainly mac and cheese and beefaroni or ravioli. It’s surprisingly good, and not that bad for me. I used to think it was just for kids, and I didn’t have it much as a kid anyways. So, why not?

Monday dinner will be grilled chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes. The mashed potatoes have some butter on them. It sounds pretty healthy, besides the butter. I’ll add BBQ sauce to the chicken. To jazz it up a bit. Having tiramisu cake for dessert. I like Safeway’s Chantilly cake with berries, but they didn’t have it this time. I’ll try this, though. With walking around the stores and at home, I managed to get 75 exercise minutes. Shows how much I do on grocery days.

I also got lottery tickets. Got 5 tickets. Mega Millions is up to $303 million. Half of that is still a lot. If I did win, I’d split it with my parent, and then do the annuity. I would still get quite a lot every year for 30 years. I doubt I’ll live that long, so I’d have to give it to someone else at some point. I keep thinking about what it would be like to win. I have a pinterest board dedicated to my dream home ideas. The next drawing is this Tuesday.

Just got my new sweater today. It’s a caramel-colored tunic sweater. From the same brand that did one of my other new sweaters. That one was nice and soft. Hopefully this one will be the same. I’ll wash it tomorrow. It’ll be laundry day, so perfect timing. 

I don't know how often I'll be able to post. It might just be on the weekends. I originally created this blog as an everyday thing. I don't know if I can do that. We'll see. I might post what I watch from Youtube in the future. I've seen some interesting ones. I don't really watch amv's (anime music videos) anymore. A lot of them are on history facts, science, animals, travel, etc. A lot of things. I have a lot of interests as it is, and I'd love to learn/watch more about things, so it's fun to me. 

2nd of Cheshvan

It’s been an even longer time than last time. I want to get back into it though. A lot of things have happened. I’ll try to keep it shorter than last time.

Over the summer, I was approved for ssi. I get a very small income through it now. They also are going to discharge all my student loans. Meaning all of them will be forgiven or gone. I think this will happen in December. 

Being approved for ssi also got me approved for Medicaid. I chose Molina, since I was told that they worked with Kaiser Permanente (KP), my current insurance. The Molina insurance started on the 1st. Apparently they’re not letting new members use KP. There are exemptions, however. Like, if they have been with KP for more than a year. I’ve been with it for many years. I plan to call on Monday about it. Hopefully I can use KP through them this way.

I’m losing weight again. This time through more exercise, eating a bit better, and tapering hydrocortisone. I’m down to 7.5 mg of the hydrocortisone in the morning and 2.5 mg in the afternoon. So far no crazy symptoms of withdrawal yet. Hopefully I can get off of it soon. I’ll switch to 5 mg and 2.5 mg of it soon. Also, just got a letter saying my endocrinologist will be going out of network. So, I'll probably have to find a new one and tell that one about my progress. Hopefully before I get to the point of getting off of it. I don't know what will happen if I don't have it anymore, and I'll get an attack of some sort. They say if I get an attack right now, I need to take something like double what I take now. It's weird. I'm not even sure what an 'attack' would be like with this. 

I’ve gotten back into walking. I made a ‘plan’ to ease into it. I hope to get back up to my 2-mile walks 3 times a day again. Right now I’m doing 2 indoor walks and an outdoor 1 twice around, in a loop where the mailboxes are and a street in between where the tennis courts are and the house. The next outdoor one will be one loop around where the tennis courts are and the house. A bit longer of one. I’m not sure if it’ll just end up being the same distance as my current one. I think it’ll be a little longer. On weekly grocery days, it’s different. I turn the indoor workout on my watch, and pause it when I stop. It ends up being more. If I go out and don’t come home until it’s dark out, I walk inside for 10 minutes. It works out similar. Might have to increase it when I get to walking longer.

I’ve lost enough weight to go down (smaller) another jean size. I’m now 3 jean sizes smaller than at my heaviest. I got new jeans, since the old ones were really falling off me. I’ll get another pair soon, since it fits me like a glove. I got 3 more shirts (like lightweight sweaters) recently. I lost 3 inches from my waist, so that opened up more options with clothes. They seem a bit big on me. Although, it looks like they’re supposed to be. I bought another shirt recently. I should get it today.

I got a haircut today. They’ve been ‘free’ ever since my stylist has known about my cancer. I’m getting more bald spots/lines. It’s a little disturbing to me. I haven’t gone back to the hats yet, but I might.

It’s been pretty cold out lately. When it gets even cooler, it’ll be perfect for my ‘new’ shirts I got last year. They’re more like heavy sweaters. It actually looks like fall now. The trees have turned beautiful colors. 

16th of Tishri

Those sweaters/sweatshirts I got last week have been really nice and comfy. I'm still waiting for one more sweater. That's expected to arrive by the end of the month. Supposedly, it's coming from China. The company's highly rated. I still think they're making it from scratch, and that's why it's going to take so long. It's a winter-like sweater, so I guess it's ok if it comes when it's even chillier. Looks really comfy. 

I also ordered a bra online. I get dysphoric going through the lingerie section in brick-and-mortar stores. I thought it'd be best to try online. I still need it, at least for support...Despite being so dysphoric about my chest. It's weird. It's like getting support for something that shouldn't be there. Anyways, online they have pics of models in them, which was weird, too. Not as bad as being at the store. I just quickly found the same size/style I have normally and ordered it. It was from Macy's. Got it in the mail Friday or Saturday. Not bad. It also was much cheaper than buying it there. Ended up being about $20 with shipping and tax. At the store, the bra itself is $40. This isn't counting tax and gas to get there. Didn't know it would be so much cheaper. Might be the best way to go.

Today's the 2nd day of Sukkot. Sukkot lasts for a week. It lit. means Booths. It's a harvest holiday where we build temporary hut-like structures, decorate them, eat all meals in them, some sleep in them, etc. We also shake a lulav and etrog in it. Both the lulav and etrog represent the 4 species. The lulav has a willow branch, date palm, and myrtle branch. The etrog is a type of citron similar to a lemon. There are many meanings behind the 'species'. One's for the 4 Hebrew letters in G-d's name. Another is masculine and feminine symbolism. Another is as parts of the body: etrog as the heart (place of understanding and wisdom), palm as the backbone (uprightness), myrtle as the eyes (enlightenment), and willow as the lips (prayer). Some interpret as different types of Jews being brought together. We shake them together in specific directions. That represents divine rule over nature, Jews around the world, bringing sukkot within, etc. It's supposed to be one of the most joyous holidays, where we're actually encouraged to be happy. It's interesting how we go from such a somber holiday like Yom Kippur to a holiday like this. 

The sukkah (singular for the 'booth' or hut) is decorated with all sorts of fall/harvest-related things usually. The decorations we'd use for ours in the past were pine cone strings, fake fruit, fake gourds, lavender, other flowers, and more. We also put out a lantern (like you would for camping) and tables and chairs. It has to have at least 3 sides, and can be made of pretty much any material. The roof must be open enough to be able to see the stars. Many people cover the roof with things like branches and leaves. Ours had 3 wooden lattice walls, a wooden frame, wooden slats for the 'roof', and tree boughs on top of that roof. My mom put it together from a kit. Another custom is to invite guests to dinners in it. It's a big hospitality thing, and those Sukkot guests are called ushpizin. (There's even an Israeli film of the same name, which is pretty good.) We often had people who weren't Jewish, friends and neighbors, eat with us. That was fun. I never slept in it, but some people do sleep in theirs during the holiday. I suppose if you brought sleeping bags and something to keep the bugs away, it'd be doable. It gets pretty cold at night this time of year, though. It's not really a secure structure, either. 

Got a bluetooth speaker this past weekend. I don't think I like it, and will most likely return it. One of the major issues is it can connect to my computer, but I can't control the sound from the speaker itself. That's a problem. It talks, too. I don't want something like that. Every time I turn it on it has to establish a connection to my computer, which takes time. Meanwhile, it tells me it's ready to connect every few seconds. It's frustrating, and I want something that just works. My old ones would cut out and make weird chugging noises every so often. Sometimes my computer couldn't read them. I realized later that that was a Windows update problem not my computer specifically. It worked itself out after one of the recent updates. The sound wasn't best either. (Even when it wasn't cutting out.) I might need to go back to those. At least, I can control the sound from them and they don't speak. I might just get a regular non-bluetooth based speaker(s). The only reason I wanted the bluetooth one was because I know it'll at least recognize it. I don't want to go back to possibly one of the future updates creating that error again. Oh, well.

Last Friday was National Coming Out Day. I don't think anyone comes out just once. If you meet new friends, date, or simply want to share who you are with others; you're constantly coming out. I first came out as ace in June 2015. Aro in October or November that year. Agender in May or June 2017. The worst reactions have been to the aro ace part and talking about wanting a qpr (queerplatonic relationship). I think telling some people that I have no gender is too scary, out there, or difficult to wrap their brains around. They think they understand what being aro ace is, and therefore have a say in it. There have been alloromantic (not aro, aka allo) ace activists that are arophobic or extremely ignorant about aros. All being aro ace means is I don't experience romantic and sexual attractions. No one makes me want to have sex or date them when I see them. This isn't a statement on how I or other aro and/or aces feel about having sex, our libido, dating, romantic gestures, etc. Everyone varies. It doesn't mean we can't or don't want to have sex (does not equal celibacy, which so many people think it does), it doesn't mean we don't want relationships (romantic or otherwise), doesn't mean we can't date, and more. I've been told, when I brought up wanting a qpr, that I should just get a dog instead. I'm sorry, but I want to be close to a human being this way. They clearly didn't understand it. It's not based on romance and sex like the standard (romantic) relationship is. The core focus of a qpr is on platonic attraction and emotional connection. Essentially, take out the romance and sex of those romantic relationships, and you have a qpr. If those 2 things are the only things in that relationship, I think it wouldn't be a healthy one. In a qpr, you can still have romantic and sexually coded things. It can be rivaling on the same level of closeness and commitment as romantic ones. Some people marry their partners (some call them squash, pumpkin, zucchini, and other vegetables), have kids together, live together, etc. for many reasons. By the way, next week is Asexual Awareness Week. Not sure if I'll do anything for it this year.

Made 2 things from recipes I found on Pinterest last night. Olive Garden Chicken Gnocchi Soup for dinner. I've never had the original Olive Garden version, so I can't compare them. I think it turned out great, though. It's got quite a lot of vegetables and protein. It's creamy, garlicky, and buttery. Wholesome comfort food that's perfect for this time of year. I found out ways to make it easier on myself, too. Real cooking (not just from a box) is exhausting for me, and my hands are painful and weird most of the time. The 'normal' level of fatigue I have because of my colitis makes it difficult, as well. They say that type of fatigue is common even when you're in remission. It's that way with most autoimmune diseases. The only things I had to chop/cut were the spinach and celery. Those are some of the easiest for me. Also, found frozen shredded chicken. I have made shredded chicken in the past, but it can be a hassle and takes time. I didn't notice until later, but they noted that you could cook the gnocchi in the soup instead of separately. I don't know why they didn't note that in the actual directions. It would have been less things to clean up. Cleaning up is a bit more difficult for me, but I managed to do it. Yay! 

I also made butterscotch fudge. It only had 2 ingredients: butterscotch chips and buttercream frosting. They have you melt the chips, mix that with the frosting, pour that mixture into a parchment-lined (I used wax paper) pan, and let it sit in the refrigerator for an hour to set. I accidentally burnt some of the chips. I forgot to stir them and do it in short intervals. I probably should have done it on the stove and not the microwave. I freaked out a little, but mixed it into the frosting anyways. It was really tough to cut into. The burnt bits might have actually made it better. They were like toffee pieces. The rest of it really did taste like fudge. Although, it didn't look pretty. That's ok. I might use this template for other flavors like chocolate, mint, vanilla, etc. I could add a small amount of nuts, too. I couldn't find a can of buttercream frosting like the recipe called for. So, I asked someone at the Safeway bakery about it. They said they sell their own by the pound there. I got a pound of it. I didn't use it all, but I think she gave me more than a pound. I might have barely gotten through half of it with what I used for the fudge, which was 14 oz. She didn't charge extra for it. Maybe she wanted to be generous? I don't know what I'll do with the rest of it. Looking it up, it doesn't last long. (2 weeks at most.) Might throw it away, but seems like a waste. She was the one that gave me so much, though...I noticed I might not be able to have a full serving of the fudge. Had 1/2 of one last night, and it was a lot. It was like a blast of sugar. Hopefully, it'll last a while. However, knowing the frosting doesn't last long, I don't know. 

Studied more Dutch from Duolingo today and yesterday. Finished the Looks unit, and am almost through the Science 1 one. Still have quite a few units left of this course. Good, because I'm unsure which language I'll start next. Still in the Ruby League.

Messed around with drawing folds in Junko's clothes. I'll pick the ones I liked the most next time, and go over everything with a pen. Edited more of Alliance today and yesterday. Got through chapter 12 and close to halfway through chapter 13 today. Went through 8 pages of the ebook version, and 12 pages of the print. 

A few days ago, I had a lot of ideas pop up about designing an author card (I recently thought about making one, but need to finish editing stuff at least first) and trailers for my books on Youtube. They came to me in the middle of the night. Kind of annoying, but I still wrote them down. I hadn't thought much about the trailers. I think I tried to make one in the past for Sweet Endless Terror, but I didn't know what to do with it. I now have ideas on that and others. For that one, first, I can draw one thing related to every story (there are 12 short stories). I already have 2 drawings I can mess with to fit 2 of those stories. That being a skull and knife. Other drawings would be things like a ribbon, heart (anatomically correct one), a galaxy or other space related thing, etc. I might pick one quote from each story to share in its part, and use the music provided by Youtube. Some sort of haunting/horror theme. With the first Alliance book, I can pick various quotes, might use some of my pics of nature and/or stock fantasy based pics, and again use music from Youtube. The sequel could be interesting to do, too. It might be similar. With my memoir, I could have pics related to each section, meanings and quotes from them, and music provided by Youtube. With the cookbook, I could use some of the pics I've taken of things I've made from it, a few recipes, maybe the intro, and some sort of theme music from Youtube. Seems like I could do a lot with them. I have a much better computer now, too. 

National Noodle Day!

This holiday was yesterday. I love noodles! The only type I don't care for are cellophane noodles. Haven't had it in a while, so that may have changed. There are so many different kinds out there. It was also National German-American Heritage Day and Mad Hatter Day yesterday. 

Did quite a bit of shopping over the weekend. I only have 2 good shirts for fall, and one semi-good one that's really old and thinning out. That last one used to be good for winter, because it was thick and fuzzy. (I think it's fleece? Not sure.) Anyways, on Saturday, I looked at Amazon for more fall/winter shirts. I never seem to find very many styles I like at local malls and such. Plus, shirts are usually short here. I like tunic-length. My torso is really long, and tunic-length usually covers me well. I also have broad shoulders, and looking mainly in the 'women's' section makes it a bit more challenging. 

I found 7 good looking sweaters/sweatshirts. All are tunic-length and long-sleeved. More than I expected. They'll really help. Only one seems to be winter-like. I'll have to look for more winter ones in the future, but this is a big step. I can probably use some of the fall stuff in the winter, if I put a heavy coat on and/or hoodie. I still need to look for a coat. My current one is really old, falling apart, doesn't have a lining anymore, etc. 

They all look really comfy. In fact, some of the reviewers said they felt so nice and soft, they didn't want to take them off. Some of them are made to be oversized. As long as I'm not swimming in them, it seems like that would be nice. I like that they all had the measurements for the sizes. Might even be more accurate this way than guessing at a brick-and-mortar store. For some things I was a medium, if I wanted them somewhat snug. (This surprised me...I used to be much bigger.) So, I ordered those as a large to have it a little looser. The others are extra-large. I tried to order the next bigger size with those, too. Just to make sure. If they don't fit, I can return them. Just have to keep that in mind. 

4 of them are coming today. Really fast! I got 2 already. Both are from Amazon Essentials. I thought it was cool that they have their own line that's pretty cheap. One's a burgundy crew-neck T-shirt. The other's a v-neck camel heather sweater. They're simple, but simple is good and basic. Something I needed. The other 2 things that are coming are both sweatshirts. Both have pockets, which wasn't what I was looking for, but I'll take it. One of them is purple, and the other is khaki with gold trim. I thought it'd be good to get a variety of colors. I'll try on those 4 shirts when I get them all.

2 more are coming tomorrow. One's a red wine with silver stripes (thick one across the chest, and 2 at the elbows) sweater. Kind of reminds me of my college's, WSU, colors: grey and crimson. That'll be cool. The 2nd's a cable crew-neck sweater in charcoal heather. 

The last one is a loose and chunky turtleneck sweater in beige. It looks the most comfy and winter-like. It apparently won't arrive until the end of the month. This makes me think that it might be handmade and they only start making it when you order, which would be interesting. 

Sunday, we mostly did grocery shopping. I want to get more into making recipes from Pinterest, and planning the week's dinners in advance. I forgot to look at recipes before we went out, but I'll look soon. Have to see what we have of whatever recipe I decide on next, then make a list of the stuff I'd need. It's actually cheaper than getting premade meals, boxed stuff, etc. A lot of them are packed with more nutrients, too. Also, have more control over what goes into it. If I make a full recipe of something with many servings, I might need to freeze some of them to keep them 'fresh'. I'm hoping to convert most recipes into 1 or 2 servings, though. Might be more difficult with crockpot-based ones. Those might keep better. We'll see. 

Finished the Suffix unit and am halfway through the University unit for Duolingo's Dutch course. I think I only did it once last week. Hopefully, It'll be better this week. Still in the Ruby League. 

Finally went back to drawing Junko. I was frustrated with how she was turning out. Looking back at it today, it didn't seem as bad as I thought. I drew her clothes and erased some extra lines this time. Next, I'll add folds in the fabric and maybe fine-tune her clothes more. 

Edited more of Alliance. Finished going through chapter 11, and well into chapter 12. Went through 7 pages of the ebook, and 11 pages of the print. A lot in such a short time. 

Practiced my clarinet. I haven't done it for probably 2 weeks. Nice to get back to it. I played Mozart this time. Almost finished the book. There's just one more piece. 

National Pretzel Day!

This holiday was yesterday. I love pretzels! I prefer the big soft ones, but the flavored smaller/hard ones are good, too. 

My mom's yahrzeit was on the 9th of Iyar on the Jewish calendar. It's the 12th, now. (It's a lunar calendar, so days start at sunset.) A yahrzeit is an anniversary of a death. This was her 6th one. I can't believe it has been 6 years! (The Jewish calendar year was 5772.) On the 'regular' or Gregorian calendar it's May 1st. I lit a yahrzeit candle when it started, and those go for 24 hours. I tried to think a bit more about her that day, but those memories seemed a bit hazy to me. On May 1st Dad and I might visit her grave. I'm curious if there are more rocks on it this year. It's a custom to leave a rock while visiting a grave. Kind of like how other people leave flowers. I like the idea of leaving rocks more. Flowers will whither away. Rocks are permanent. Some people try to leave nice looking ones. Others just grab what's around. There were only a few last year. Also, it was very buggy. Hope it's not like that this year. I wonder what she would have thought about me creating a cookbook out of the recipes she has collected. 

The weather has been warmer lately. For a while, it felt like winter was never going to end. It got up to around 80°F yesterday. That's really warm for this time of year. Today, it got up to just a little over 60°. Such a difference. In the next couple of days, it's expected to be in the low 50s, and then it will be in the 70s next week. So many swings in temperature...Almost like it can't decide. Although, being in the 70s for most of next week sounds really nice. 

As soon as it started getting warmer, I decided to switch to my spring/summer shirts. I noticed while going through my fall/winter shirts that I only have one shirt that doesn't have holes, isn't fraying, and isn't missing something (lost a clasp to one of them...). That's kind of sad. I'll have to get more for those seasons in the future. I have a lot more to choose from with the spring/summer stuff. Might want aro, ace, and/or agender related shirts in the future, too. That'd make it fun, and I can be out with those. I definitely need new jeans, too. I'm surprised at how quickly mine have fallen apart lately. I sometimes wear my older ones that are at least a size too big. They're still holding up well. No holes or anything. It's odd. I'm hoping that I'm still the same size, or one smaller, as my current ones are. I think I am, knowing how baggy my old ones still are. 

I finally broke the 100 page mark for Alliance 3. (A little over 200 pages altogether.) Not sure how long this one will be. I'm editing the recipes. Last time I mentioned I was just rearranging and adding new categories. There hasn't been much to edit with the actual recipes, and I'm blazing through it. Next, I'll compile a list of companies/family members to credit. Interestingly, a lot of them don't list a source. There a lot from the Austin American Statesman, as well as Bisquik, Tyson, and The Kitsap Sun. There were a lot of fish ones from an unnamed grocery store, so that's a bit difficult to credit. I think a couple of the companies (not ones I listed) are defunct. They should still be credited. 

I posted 3 more character heads/busts to dA and Instagram. They were of Kenta, Anzu, and Max. Kenta and Anzu are married, and Junko is their adopted daughter. All 3 are cat demons, but Junko's not 'pure'. Junko's more of a side main character and is friends with Shadow. (He's the main character.) Max is a skeleton demon. I'm not very happy with how Kenta turned out. In my head, he looks somewhat similar to a character I drew a long time ago. His face ended up too narrow, eyes too small, ears maybe a little too big. At least I attempted to draw him. Anzu wasn't bad. Max was fun to do. The next batch will have more fun ones. I've probably drawn Ravel the most out of all my characters in the past, so it should be interesting to draw him again.  

I have a lot of characters in the series. It's basically built on them. I've already drawn 12 heads so far. I think there are 18 that are described and play some role in the first book. That's not counting demons they saw on exhibit at a zoo, demons at the graveyard near the school, ones from characters' memories in their background stories. This is just the first book. More characters pop up in the 2nd and the 3rd one I'm currently writing. There are also lots of buildings, landscapes, etc. I want to get to. Eventually, I do want to draw full and colored in bodies of these characters. There are tattoos, scars, jewelry, clothes, and such you can't see with just the heads. So, I have a lot of ideas for future drawings.

I got through a big section or 'trek' for German on Duolingo. The last lesson was more difficult than usual. That was on future tense. I only have 2 more treks to go through. Then, I'll try to go through everything again and earn the full 5 crowns for each lesson. That'll take a while. Apparently with each crown there are more parts to a lesson. Normally there are 3-6 parts to them. I looked at some for the next crown, and those have roughly 15-20 parts. That's too many! I won't get through an entire lesson in one go that way. Oh well. I can't imagine how many parts the 5-crown lessons have. 

I found out that my hair curl styling mousse is discontinued. So, I looked for something new at Safeway. I wanted something that was also alcohol-free. (As well as easier to find.) I found 3 or 4 of them. I decided to try Tresemme's version. It has a level 4 out of 5 hold rating. I need something strong for my hair. The first time I used it like my previous mousse. It became fluffier/frizzier and didn't hold it for long. I know that my hair stylist told me that I need more than I used to use anyways. My hair's longer and prone to dry out more. So, today I followed more of what was on the bottle. I really worked it in, much like I do with my hair calming spray. I combed it with a wide-toothed comb after that. That's the only type of comb that I can use with my hair now. Unless I want to damage it more. Then, I styled my curls the way I would have normally done. With wrapping sections around my finger, holding it for a moment, and letting it go each time. It makes cascading ringlets this way. It seems that, with this method, this mousse works so much better than my previous one. I should have looked at others sooner. It still has a good hold and I did it this morning. 

I decided to only look at my notifications on facebook during the week. I'll share things that I found through my Google news alerts that are interesting, my blog posts, and post any personal updates. During the weekend, I'll go through my feed, but set time limits on it. I think I was spending too much time on there. I shouldn't try to catch up on everything every day. I've only followed this for a couple of days. I feel a bit better, though. I know some people who swear off fb for a while, because they were so into it. I might if I have to wait at a restaurant during the week go through some of my feed. I'm also going to try and check in to more places with it, instead of sharing my Swarm ones. 

9th of Tevet

There was a recent article I briefly saw on facebook about a guy who apologized to his nephew for saying boys don't wear dresses. His nephew had wanted to wear a 'princess' dress, and was yelled at for it. Cool that he apologized. However, the comments were almost comical in a way. It was full of fragile-sounding men whining about how he never should have apologized. He spoke the truth, according to them. Others were saying the only men who wear them are either gay or trans. Some women jumped in just as whiny-sounding saying they wouldn't let their sons wear their clothes. Others cried out things like: too PC! Or: the liberal and gay agenda at work again. They all sounded like their definition of what a 'snowflake' is. One woman said she was a proud liberal and supporter of the LGBT community, but this was going 'too far'. Doesn't sound like an ally at all.

First, dresses were originally made for men. Tights, high heels, and the color pink were all originally for men. Not too long ago, all kids up to a certain age wore dresses. This also sounds similar to the protests against women wearing pants. It's silly. 

Men and boys should definitely have the opportunity to wear dresses and skirts if they want to. Clothes don't have a gender. They're inanimate objects; pieces of fabric. They won't change the wearer's gender or sexuality. 

I do think there should be a kickass clothing line of more (what's considered) masculine looking dresses. Anyone could wear them, too. It'd be awesome to see, and people could get more creative. I don't really want to make the dresses myself, but I could probably draw the designs... I think it'd also be cool to have an entire clothing brand that abolishes the segregated gender system. Clothes would be divided by body-type. Sizing would be based on each body-type, and it would be more accurate sizes. Intead of, for the women's section, it being all based on a size 2 model. They just guess based on that model's proportions for the bigger sizes. Doesn't really work. It would make more sense if it was the average proportions for each size. Each section could be based on styles and type of clothing. Like, formal, teens, punk, casual, work, etc. There would be no shame, too. People could become more free and try more styles. Instead, it seems the current system looks down on that sort of thing, and seems to be toxic.

Nothing bad would happen if more boys and men wear dresses. Those men sounded like they were protesting too much. Maybe they really want to wear dresses, don't want to admit it, and are jealous that some men and boys do wear them. From an enby (especially agender) viewpoint, this is all really stupid. It's like, what is making the binary people so hot and bothered about it? Just wear the dress and be proud. Maybe you'll look even better in it than some women. 

It snowed a little bit Sunday night. It's the only time it snowed this year. We normally have at least a few snow days by now. So, for people who celebrate, they got a white Christmas. I know that can be a big thing for them, so good that way. It was, at most, 2 inches. So, not much. Pretty, though. It's been cold enough since then that it hasn't melted away completely. 

I'm hoping to get back to my 5 small meals a day thing next month. The one where I set the calorie range, 1200-1600, for each day and usually split it up between those 5 meals. Most people recommend that 6 small meals are best for IBD patients. I'd have a harder time splitting it up further, and planning to eat one more meal. With 5, it makes sense. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. It's close, at least. I guess if I tried the 6 meal one, I could have a snack between breakfast and lunch. That's not much time, though. Seems awkward. Plus, sometimes I wake up late. I'm often more nauseous in the morning, too. Lately, I usually barely have breakfast (half serving of cereal and tea), normal-sized lunch, big dinner, and maybe a snack. Often that snack is tea. It doesn't really count that way. It's varied quite a bit from this, but it's close to the current norm. Not a very balanced day. I also plan to keep my treat days. Those are 1 or 2 days a week where I'm not counting calories, and I can eat however much I want. This is actually a healthy thing to do. Since I eat small portions of things during the rest of the week, I end up not being able to eat that much more. I like this 5 meal/set calories way of eating a lot. I feel better when I follow it. The only problem has been figuring out the right amount of nutrients. My Fitness Pal has helped a lot with that and counting calories. I actually have to have more protein than most healthy people. As it is, I very rarely ever reach the 'normal' amount. It's difficult. 

National Pasta Day!

This holiday was on Tuesday. I love pasta! 😍 Could probably eat it all day every day. That wouldn't be very healthy, though.😅I like pretty much all the shapes I know of. The thick pasta seem fancy to me. Having it for special times, like Shabbat. It's probably because I'm not as used to that type of pasta.

I've felt pretty crummy gut-wise this week. 😞 So much so, I've wondered if I'm flaring again. The only way to really know for sure is through tests...As long as I don't have a prolonged fever, throwing up every day, and losing weight faster than usual; I can't do much about it.😒If any of those things were happening, I've been told to go to the hospital immediately. The pain has increased on both sides of my abdomen, which scares me a bit. I think I'm reacting to food more often again, as well. 

I was able to make a phone appointment with my gastro for the end of next month. She wanted me to make it for the end of this one. There was only one other one that was sooner, but it was around 8am.😳Even if I was up at that time, it still seems too early for a phone call to me. Not only that, but they have it as possibly calling 30 minutes before or after the appointment time...I might ask her about having tests done again. I think by then it'd be a few months since the last round of them. It'd be the first one since I started Lialda, and we could see how that's going with those tests. 

Last week, I tried on an old embroidered keyhole knit sweater. It fit surprisingly well.😳It's supposed to be clingy, which I'm not used to. I don't think I've been able to fit into it since I was 19. That was just before the infamous 'freshman 15' people usually gain in college. I'm almost 33. That's a long time.😮 I don't particularly like how much it accentuates my chest. Every time I bend over a little, it shows a lot of cleavage through the keyhole, which I don't really like either. 😑The rest of it feels nice. 

I decided to look at other old clothes a few days later. Most of these old clothes I hadn't worn since high school. Pretty much everything I tried fit. This was really surprising, good, and slightly weird to me. I found 2 flannel shirts (wore these quite often in high school), a red long-sleeved shirt with white embroidery, and 2 cardigans. I think the traditional Chinese shirt (don't remember the name of it) fit, too. It's fancy and cool looking. However it takes some maneuvering to get it on yourself. It has lots of buttons and a zipper on the side. I was trying it on over something else, too. This was the most surprising one to fit into, to me. It's rather small. Even when I got it from a women's day conference thing years ago, it was small and tight on me. 

So, with all these things fitting, I'm basically the same size as I was in high school. 😌I didn't think I'd make it back to this size. I also thought I was gaining weight again. I'm apparently still losing it. It's kind of scary that way. I want to be back to the normal weight range for someone like me, though. This means I'm getting there faster than I expected. I'm only going to truly worry if I somehow become underweight. 

I joined some more LGBTQ+ groups on facebook. 2 generalized ones, and another non-binary one. Also, found another IBD group. The generalized LGBTQ+ group I was apart of beforehand was really weird. Especially after the fights about allies in the acronym. The creator had some bizarre ideas. After that drama, hardly anyone posted. 🙄So, I dropped that one. I like having a generalized group for it. Feels more like a community. There aren't very many of them, and some of them can be ace/arophobic as well as enby-phobic. The 2 I just joined seem very inclusive. One of those groups has it as 16+ for the minimum age. They just recently made a 30+ group. I might join that as well. Not sure if I'll drop the 16+ if I do that. We'll see. 

The new enby group seems more active and interesting. There are actually questions and topics we can discuss. The other one was mainly just selfies and intros. 😑The new one apparently has another subgroup. I dropped a couple of ace groups, because they weren't active. There aren't that many ace groups on fb as it is. The new IBD group has a huge amount of members, and it's a lot more active than the other one because of that. I can connect more with that community this way, too. 

I've made at least one fb friend through the new enby group. Another one added me as well through one of the ace groups. Very interesting. Their requests were like a day apart. Another person that I knew beforehand through the local trans group friended me too. That was a day after those other 2. Cool. I'm all for people friending me, as long as they don't harass me, and I know them through some sort of group. 😊

In the new enby group, someone asked if all afab enby people identify as trans masc. Many people think of the stereotype that enbies tend to be masculine or look that way. Afab is assigned female at birth, by the way. I'm afab, and agender. I tend to like some things that are considered 'feminine', but it's like a pretty and fun mask. 🎭I don't particularly feel femme or masc. In my mind it's kind of hard to feel either if you don't have a gender. Unless it's referring to clothes or expression, I guess? Still, clothes don't actually have a gender. Many of the 'men's' clothes honestly look bland and boring from what I've seen. Although, some of their vests look interesting. I'm actually thinking of looking more into that stuff, too. Anyways, some people were also saying since they're enby, they're not trans. That's not...how it works. 🤦‍♀️Trans means that your gender is different than the one that was assigned to you at birth. So, technically being enby makes you trans. Sure, it's up to the individual to decide if they want that label, but that's personal. I put that I'm trans, enby, and genderqueer. I like all of those. Honestly, I don't know which of those last 2 I like more. They mean the same thing, but some people are uncomfortable with the word queer. (Totally understandable.) That's how enby came about. It's newer than genderqueer. Someone felt exactly the way I did about all this, which was cool. 😎Someone else loved it. 

Another person said they didn't feel enby enough because they still use she/her pronouns.😨 She's agender. She wasn't sure about they/them for herself. Many people, like me, said you should use whatever you feel comfortable with. You're still valid as an enby. ☺️I've been thinking about my pronouns, too. I still use she/her, because I'm used to it. They/them seems interesting and logical for someone like me, but I don't really know if it's right...🤔I don't have to decide immediately, though. 

We finally had a meeting for the trans group. Couldn't find a place for it during the summer. There was a pretty decent amount of people. We had one new person, which was good. I talked more about agender stuff during my check-in. Found out one member is agender, but leaning on the masculine side. I suppose that's kind of like the idea behind the ace/aro spectrums? It was interesting. A couple of members, who weren't there, are bigender. I can't imagine having one let alone 2 genders at once, but that's still cool. 😳There are pangender people out there, as well. That's incomprehensible to me to be all genders at once. Even more fascinating, though. A couple of the older trans women seemed to be confused by some of it. They're willing to learn, though.

I brought up how I've been thinking about top surgery (double mastectomy). I've always felt weird about my chest. Especially when they 'exploded' a couple of years into college. It felt more 'right' when I was small. They've felt foreign since they grew, too. 😨I still want 'feminine' clothes to fit me. Someone suggested a reduction instead. That might be ok, however there's still a health risk side. My mom had breast cancer, her mom had it, and one of my mom's sister's had it. I saw what it did to my mom. I don't want that to happen to me. 😣So, getting top surgery will both be a gender and health thing. Doctors will most likely get behind it if I only bring up the health risk part. They still might fight with me. Saying I'm too young for such a drastic change. I'm tempted to bring it up with my primary, but I don't like her anymore. We'll see.

Icons or avatars were brought up that people looked up to. Many people thought about others that they felt they could relate to gender-wise. Mine have always been people like Marie Curie, Audrey Hepburn, and Coco Chanel. I think in the past, I went with what body-type I had. I feel weird with saying female-bodied, but some trans people use it. These were fierce, smart, beautiful, and cool women. I also went by personality rather than gender. The thing is, I don't know any out agender celebrity, scientist, or other icons. So, I can't truly see my gender represented through anyone. 😒

When I brought up Audrey Hepburn, one of the older women said: "oh, you mean Katherine Hepburn." It took me a moment, because I wasn't sure why she 'corrected' me on it. 🤔After a moment, she added: "since she was a tomboy." No. Agender doesn't equal tomboy. 🤦‍♀️Tomboys still are women. I meant who I said, too. 

We might have a Halloween party at the next meeting. 🎃That meeting will be on the 1st, so it makes sense. It'd be a nice, fun, and social thing. I just have no idea what I'd wear for a costume. 

My birthday is November 7th. 🎉Coming up really quickly. I don't have anything planned yet, nor a list of what I want for it. I'm horrible at making birthday lists. 😒I might want a new computer. Mine is having issues going online, and isn't supported by Microsoft anymore. Can't decide between Mac or Windows. I think it'd be cool to have an all-in-one. Computers have come a long way since my current one. Another thing might be a black ring. I might go out to eat for it, go shopping, maybe see a movie at the theater, etc. I don't really know yet.🤷‍♀️

I've made it to practicing my clarinet for 55 minutes. Yay! ☺️Next week I might start doing it for an hour. I don't want to practice for longer than that. I'm sounding much better now. Trying to play things I usually skip, too. 

Finished the agender chapter in the memoir. Ended up being longer than I expected. I'll get back to the travel one next time. At the moment, I'm covering stuff from Kentucky. The state I was born in. The sequel to Alliance has been interesting so far. I'm still not sure where it's headed.🤔

I noticed that Dad had created a playlist based on her memoir. It gave me the idea that maybe I should make one for mine as well as for my other books. That sounds like it'll be fun, and I might feel closer to them. The Sweet Endless Terror one would be probably the easiest to make. A lot of Halloween and other scary/ominous music. 👻🎵

I've kind of given up on the local ace group.😔 No one showed up for months when I went regularly to the cafe. No one has asked where we are since I stopped going. No one's posted in the online group for a long time. I was pretty much the one to post stuff. There were one or two allies that did too, but no one else. It just...seems sad.😣 It seems they want a group, but once they're a member they don't do anything. I get that some people want a more private place, but this was voted on. Also, we don't have many options available to us. 

At some point, I still want to go back to my ace media list. I want to search a bit longer for stuff to add, and then share it. I think I'll share it here somehow, in the inactive local ace group, other ace groups on fb, on ace forums, etc. I want it out there, and people can suggest adding more to it. That way there's an even broader list over time. It just takes time with this stuff. It might be a while before I share it.😞