12th of Tevet

Saw my primary doc on Monday. She seemed like a different person this time. Not nearly as rude and ignorant. It's most likely the last time I'll see her. It was for my next batch of refills for Lamotrigine and annual physical. 

We started talking about my family history of breast cancer. My mom had it, her mom had it, and one of my mom's sisters had it. So, I'm at a huge risk. I came out to her as agender then. It threw her off big time. Eventually, she asked why I told her. I said because I'll need top surgery, and since I don't want it even masculinized or feminized, or to have nipples. Totally flat. It would dwindle my risk to pretty much nothing. (Nothing will completely eliminate it, but it's pretty dang close.) She was iffy about it. Like, somehow it wouldn't be enough, and I'd have to get mammograms still. How would they do a mammogram on someone who's flat like that? There's not enough tissue. How would it not be enough? Her compromise was referring me to a geneticist to see if I have the markers, I guess. Not sure if I actually will see one. I also felt like something weird was going on with my chest, so she did a breast exam. It felt weird enough that she was basically fondling me...Although, I know it was something that needed to be done. I couldn't look at them. If I look at them for too long, I end up having a panic attack. Hard when you're at risk, or even just doing things like taking a shower. 

She asked me if I wanted to be more masculine. I told her there's nothing there for me. Neither a slightly masculine side nor feminine. I know it's weird, but it's just how I am. Things I might like that are designated men's or women's by society, are just like nice masks or something fun. I don't feel like they affirm or fit who I am. They're just things to me. I haven't really explored much of the men's section stuff (I'm slightly too nervous right now), but just seeing some of it interests me. Oh, the only men's section thing I have are actually sunglasses. Most people can't tell, and it seems pretty neutral. They're one of the best ones I've had, too. Cheaper than the women's ones. I think it'd be fun to make outfits and such out of both the men's and women's stuff together. I like the idea of messing with other people (as long as they don't kill me...), and it'd be refreshing to see something new like that. I'll have many more options as well. 

She asked what I'd want done. When I got to hysterectomy/oophorectomy, she flailed her hands and told me to stop. She thought it was too much and that I'm 'overthinking' it. I'm too young. I know I look much younger than I am, but really? If it's because she thinks I might want babies in the future, I think I'm infertile. I've had so many life-threatening issues with those that I think it'd make it difficult or next to impossible to conceive. Not only that but it might give me a lot of dysphoria. Having colitis complicates it, too. With all this, even if I could become pregnant, the pregnancy itself and giving birth might kill me. Too many factors. I could adopt in the future. I thought about harvesting my eggs, but that's expensive (doubt it'd be covered), and I don't even know how viable they are now. Not only that but I'd still have issues when I decide I want to have baby...So, not only would taking them out be gender-related, but also overall health-related. Also, the IUD was only meant to be like a band-aid. They never meant for me to be on it for so long. It was so they could figure out what actually caused my 8-month long extremely painful 'friend'. It was the only thing that could stop it right away. No one looked into it more, though. If I have a hysterectomy/oophorectomy, I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. No getting the IUD implanted every 5-7 years, and no danger with my 'friends'. Win-win. 

I explained to her that being an agender person with gender dysphoria, anything gendered could trigger it. She proceeded to tell me that bodies are bodies, this is my body, and bodies aren't necessarily gendered. Trying to talk me out of it. True, since I am an agender person, my body is agender. However, there are things that shouldn't be there. I can't think my way out of that. I asked if she would say the same thing to a man with gynecomastia and to just accept it. She changed her tune and was a lot more respectful afterwards. While I'm not masculine, it was an example that she could relate to more. 

I got a reminder to have another colonoscopy. It's been 2 years. Interestingly, the reminder wasn't through KP (my insurance), but Digestive Health Services in Tacoma. I haven't seen anyone from there since. It was from the GI who performed the procedure last time. Anyways, I brought this up with her. She immediately made a referral to gastroenterology, despite her weirdness about it last time I saw her. 

She saw my birthmark, and acted like she had never seen it before. It's huge and on my lower back. In the past, some people have asked me if it's a tattoo, and another one asked if someone was beating me. Really weird. There's a mole on it and some strange hair has cropped up only on that birthmark. She was worried about it. I was more worried about a skin tag under one of my knees. Her nurse took pics of both, and they were supposedly sent to dermatology to see what's going on. I don't need another thing...All in all it was a weird appointment. 

I'm now enrolled in KP's Gender Health Program. They assign you a social worker first to help you navigate it. It seems like they're there for emotional support, too. They told me to wait until that social worker, Ashley, called me. They said it'd probably be in a week or 2. That was on Tuesday. She called me in the late afternoon yesterday. (Surprisingly quick!) My phone deemed the number she dialed as a scam. The number wasn't the same as the one I was given, so I didn't answer. Luckily, she left a message. The number I was given is her personal, or as she called it 'confidential', number. So, it's a bit different.

I called her back today. I didn't expect to talk to her for so long. She was incredibly nice and seems like she could really help me. She didn't say if she's had patients that were agender, but it seemed like she wanted to know about my personal experience as one. That's probably the best attitude. 

We went through a lot of what I'd need, and it was nice just to talk to someone one-on-one about this stuff. She's going to send me a bunch of resources/info via email. She'll help me with getting a new primary that's trained in gender-related health care. She said that my current primary would be harmful for me (at least mentally), after I told her about my last appointment. I need someone that mostly 'gets it'. At least, the trans part. 

She's also sending me a list of gender therapists to see. She said they could also help with other mental health stuff. I have to get 2 letters from different therapists, I think, in order to get top surgery. She said if need be, she can provide one. For bottom surgery, they'd need 1 letter. Bottom surgery for me is weird, though. Considering I think I'd only want a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, it doesn't seem like most. They could do it probably under different reasons, too. I don't know. 

She asked if I wanted hormones. Thing is, I don't know my hormone levels normally. They could be really out of whack with just considering the facial hair (I try to shave it often, so it's not that noticeable) and issues with my monthly 'friend'. I don't know what 'results' I'd want. Not sure if I need it...She said I have a lot to sort through, but we'll take it one step at a time. She'll call me every week or so. Apparently, they're thinking of turning those calls into video-based. Like, through Skype or something. So we both can see each other, and it's more personal. That would be better.

I brought up that I had called the GHP line in a status on Patients Like Me. Someone responded with: "You go girl! You're so brave, and know that you're not alone! I'm sure I'm not the only one that supports you on here!" First, I'm not a girl. In my response to her, I went through what agender means, along with telling her I'm not a girl and I don't want to be referred to by gendered language. I gave alternative examples. I also told her it might have been confusing since I mentioned that she/her or they/them are my pronouns. Haven't had a response from that yet. I might have shut her up...Second, how am I brave? It seems like a weird word to use. I wasn't even saying that I'm the only agender person out there. I wasn't asking people to directly support me, either. That's great and all, but it was just an update. Probably had the most reactions out of all my posts on there. However, I've recently been more active about it. 

I finished watching D.Gray-man. It's not the best anime I've seen, but it was good. That last arc just seemed never-ending. It's like things ended and came together a little too nicely. I'll start D.Gray-man Hallow soon. It's the sequel. The first one ended in 2008, newer one aired in 2016. A long time in between. The newer one is also only 13 episodes, while the older one is 103. Quite a difference. 

Youtube:

One Piece Crack (Cracks are collections of humorous shorts from a series. Sometimes making fun of it, adding things to scenes, short amv's, etc. It can be another window into the series. Found most of these a while back):





One Piece amv:

4th of Tevet

Hanukkah started the night of the 2nd and ended on the 10th. I used one of the biggest menorahs that we had. We have quite a collection. This one was free, since my mom worked at a Judaica shop, parts of it are bent, and it leans to one side. They couldn't sell it like that. It's hard to light towards the end, because some of the cups bend inwards toward the shamesh. The shamesh candle/cup rests above the others. You're supposed to light the others with that candle. Made it difficult to put it back in its cup. It only uses Shabbos candles, which are thicker and bigger than the Hanukkah ones. It makes quite a statement. I think people can see this one the best from outside, and we're supposed to be public about it. 

Found frozen latkes from Trader Joe's and had them on the 1st night. They also had huge bags of gelt. Gelt are chocolate coins. A long time ago it used to be real coins that students would give to teachers as a way to honor them. Anyways, their bags were much bigger than our local market's. World Market had even bigger ones with more of a variety. Had sufganiyot (jelly donuts) on the 1st and 6th (I think) night. So, I did get to enjoy some good Hanukkah food.

This is my wallpaper for December. It's Bakugo from Boku no (My) Hero Academia. Thought it was perfect for this time of year. I like the warm glow. Since I have my taskbar and start menu set to picking colors from the background, it changed to warm crimson with slightly different shades of warm orange highlights. Makes it pretty when put together. I found a lot of new wallpapers, including this one, yesterday. I wanted more of a variety (based on more shows), and most of the ones from before are in black and white. I wanted more color. 

There's only one interesting month-long holiday for December: National Pear Month. I love pears! However, now I can only have them peeled, chopped up, and cooked. They're too tough on my system otherwise. 

It's been a while since my last post. Hopefully, I can get back to posting more regularly. It's great that I've already posted more this year than the past few years on here. I've been sick off and on, which is partially why it's been a while. (I don't feel motivated to do much when I'm sick.)

I finally made an appointment to see my primary next Monday. I don't think I'm going to come out to her as agender, because it'll most likely be the last time I see her, and don't really want to deal with her much. I have to see her in order to get refills for lamotrigine. She tells me that she can't refill it unless I see her once a year about it. My previous doctors said differently, but maybe the system has changed. She might think my parent influenced me or the meds affected me, if I come out to her. I've also been in a lot of pain and more symptoms (related to colitis) have popped up. Last time I talked to her, she seemed utterly fed up and frustrated with my case. I'm sorry I have so much to deal with...She'll most likely run blood tests to see how lamotrigine is affecting my liver (I think, either that or kidneys) and a general panel. I can see how things are in general without mentioning any of the health issues I've been having that way. 

I'm thinking of calling the Gender Health Program number soon. I wanted to have my primary appointment first. I might email my parent's previous case worker on it, too. Just to ask her questions about it before I take the plunge. 

When I do finally start it, I'm going to first want to see a new primary. One that's been trained with gender issues. They can set me up with one. I also want that new primary to refer me to gastroenterology again to get a new GI. One with an MD. My current one actually told me that she's not equipped to deal with my case. Her hands are tied. (She's a PA.) I've only had one GI with an MD. That's not much. I also want to see a gender therapist. Apparently, my insurance's program will cover pretty much everything. I was surprised that they'd cover electrolysis. It's expensive otherwise. It's a big possibility for me now. 

Since I've had issues with awful life-threatening monthly 'friends' in the past (it's more complicated than that), and other issues, I most likely am sterile. I've been iffy about having my own kid for a while. Occasionally, it's been tempting, but at other times I'm completely turned off from it. Pregnancy and childbirth are incredibly gendered, so the process would most likely cause a lot of dysphoria. If I'm not sterile, it could kill me. If I do want kids in the future, I could adopt. Anyways, I'm thinking of getting a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. Not only because of the issues they give me, but it'll help with my dysphoria. I don't care if I'd have to take hormones for the rest of my life to make up for what's lost. People might try to talk me out of it because of how 'young' I am. I've always looked much younger than I am. I think I brought this sort of thing up after having an 8-month long 'friend' roughly a decade ago. My doctor was against it, and thought I'd change my mind eventually. Might be why I ended up becoming hesitant about it. I don't know. With those things out, I won't have to have another IUD implanted. Another positive. That program covers top surgery, too. So, yay! Another thing. After all this, I'd probably look very different. Probably happier, too. 

A couple of days ago, I decided to change my sleeping 'schedule' a little. Before, I had a set time to get up during the week. Now, I've decided that whenever I start to get ready for bed, I set my alarm for 9 hours later. 1/2 hour for getting ready, and 8 1/2 for being in bed. However, I tend to toss and turn at least for another 1/2 hour. It's more like I'm shooting for 8 hours of sleep. I haven't had a full night's sleep for a couple of years now. It's really difficult with the pain, and oddly being so fatigued. The eye mask and earplugs help a lot, though. Hopefully, no matter when I go to sleep, having the same set amount of time will help. This also means getting up at different times, but I think this would be more natural. It might be easier on my body. I'll probably do this during the weekends, too. 

Lately, despite feeling happy and excited to try so many different foods, I've occasionally felt tired of eating. Like the act itself. I've felt like this in the past, and have a hard time feeling any hunger during it. It's related to my colitis. Makes it a little difficult. I absolutely love food, so it can be frustrating, too. I tend to not pay attention to time between meals when I'm like this. I need to have 5 small meals daily. The daily range I set for myself is 1200-1600 calories, except on the weekends where I allow myself to eat however much I want. (Usually more calories.) If I forget times, I might skip meals. Sometimes I don't try to make up for a skipped meal, which means I go below my min amount of calories for a day. So a couple of days ago, I decided to set a timer after I start a meal for 3 hours. This way things are more set, I know when to start making/eating a meal, and I make sure to have it. The difficult part sometimes is getting myself to eat it. Smells great and might look amazing, but I still might have a hard time. This will help, though.

Found a lot of stuff at World Market recently. They have a pancake mix line with a variety of flavors. I've thought about trying them in the past. They're normally inexpensive, but this time they were about 50% off. Got the banana caramel one. It's amazing! I thought it'd call for milk and/or eggs, but it just had you add water and melted butter or vegetable oil. (I've been using the oil for them.) One serving is rather satisfying and easy to figure out the measurements for the water and oil. The directions apparently have you make 3 servings. The texture is nice, too. It's crispy. It has the same amount of sugar as my cereal, which isn't much. Despite having little caramel chips and banana mixed throughout. They don't even need syrup. They have a ton of calcium and some protein. Seem pretty healthy. I'm going to make them about half the time for my breakfasts until I finish the canister. I want to try the other flavors, too. 

Finished watching the Sniffer on Netflix. It was surprisingly good. Hope there's a 4th season. I liked that at the end of the finale Victor hugged the Sniffer tightly. (Not really a spoiler.) The Sniffer usually doesn't like hugs, and even handshakes can be odd for him. He hugged back. I think they both needed that emotionally (they went through hell that episode), and it was a friendly gesture. I almost feel like they could be in a qpr, since they're such close friends. The main theme song had a cool vibe. Went back to Persona, which is a Malaysian detective show. It's in Mandarin, but there's quite a bit of English sprinkled throughout.

Youtube (It's been a while, so I'm sharing a little more this time):

Boku no (My) Hero Academia:


Gintama:


Rurouni Kenshin:

Kekkai Sensen (Blood Blockade Battlefront):

Mix:


Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler):

Zombieland Saga:

One Piece:

18th of Kislev

Got through all of Adject. 2 in Duolingo's Italian course. There were a lot of lessons to this one. I only missed a couple of questions. One was because I couldn't see one of the translated words in a word bank. For some questions, they give you an Italian sentence to translate using that word bank. I noticed it a second after I pressed 'continue'...The next unit is Infinit. 1. That one is slightly longer with 10 lessons.

For drawing, I tried to fix Shadow's hair. For some reason I usually have a hard time with the left side of hairstyles. Even the left eye gets a little weird. (Left side is technically the character's right side considering it's head on...) I'll try going over it again tomorrow, and then move on. 

Got through a lot of editing of Alliance. I'm close to halfway through. Still surprised at how many mistakes I've found so far. At least it'll be better in the long run. 

Didn't make it to a full hour for practicing my clarinet. I was really close, though. Finished the generalized clarinet solo book, Duke Ellington, and made it through most of the Gershwin book. Quite a lot. For a couple of the tunes, I actually played much better than usual. However, there were a lot that sounded worse...I haven't played on a regular basis in a while. So, it's understandable. 

One thing that has bothered me, with a lot of the Jewish news pages I follow on fb, has been them not saying that 'Messianic Jews' aren't Jews. They say they're a 'controversial' topic. That it's widely debated. No, no it's not. This has come up again because of the 'Messianic rabbi' that was asked to say something about the Pittsburgh shooting a while ago. It angered a lot of Jews. Recently, one rabbi on fb explained why that was so offensive, who 'Messianic Jews' are, and the history behind it. He clearly said, in all caps, at the beginning: Why there is no such thing as a 'Messianic Jew'. It was a lengthy post, but it said what needed to be said. They're essentially a Christian group that have been trying to convert Jews. They sometimes call themselves 'Jews for Jesus'. There's a counter group called Jews for Jews that try to educate other Jews about them. The thing is, and the rabbi referred to this often, you can't be Jewish and believe in Jesus. If you do, you are a Christian. Simple as that. I remember when they would wait right outside our Hillel (campus Jewish youth group) meeting at WSU and confront us as we left. They're pushy. I think one even followed me back to my dorm once. I closed the door in their face.

I decided to unsubscribe from Hadassah's magazine. I was given a lifetime membership from a local chapter I was a part of for a while. In fact, I was there from its inception until it dissolved. (I don't know if it was revived later.) I was also secretary for a while. Hadassah is a Jewish women's group. I somewhat liked what it stood for, but felt left out somehow...Now that I know I'm agender, I know what that weird feeling was. Anyways, the membership feels especially odd right now. I'll keep it, since I don't know if I'll want to join another chapter in the future. There might be other enby members, too. The magazine is very female-oriented, which is understandable. I just didn't get much from it. With a lifetime membership, you get a subscription for life to that magazine as well. I did like the little Hebrew lessons at the end of most issues. Some of the recipes looked interesting, but too elaborate for me. It'll be less paper out there, at least. The person I emailed was kind of snippy about it. They also didn't answer my question about if I unsubscribe from the magazine, do I get to keep my lifetime Hadassah membership? Hopefully they didn't just drop me completely. 

I've decided to try and go to bed earlier than I have been. I was slipping into the old habit of going to sleep too late. I put a reminder on my calendar for me to get ready for bed at certain times. (Different for the week and weekend.) It'll be like a little nudge. 

I also am planning to make Sunday afternoon kind of like a spa time for myself. Clipping nails (fingers and toes), filing them, using a filing block on my feet, massage feet with a foot remedy cream, clean my ears with a kit, and shave. I did mostly everything yesterday. Felt really good. The filing block really smoothed out my feet. It was gross seeing so much come off of them. Probably the more I do that, the less stuff will come off. Felt like I was grating my feet, though. The cream has tea tree oil and menthol, so it's tingly. It softens, deodorizes, and heals feet. Nifty, except that it's very old. I'm not sure when or if something like that expires? Or, if it is expired, maybe it's just not as effective anymore? Either way, it felt nice. 

I have to clean my ears with a special kit at least once a month. Much more often if they're bad. I have a feeling it might be best to do it every Sunday. Especially, because I have not been keeping up with it, and it's been difficult to hear things at times. I have to do it because essentially the Eustachian tubes in my ears are upside down. Makes for a host of issues. Changes in air pressure hurts (I've actually thrown up because of this), they plug up with too much 'stuff' and fluid, balance is affected, etc. Cleaning them can be painful. I didn't get them clear this time, which means they're pretty bad right now. At least they're better than they were. 

I got to shaving my facial hair, but not my legs. That's ok. I could get to it next time. I try to shave the facial stuff every day, but forget. So, if I set a for sure day like Sunday, it might be easier. I'll at least have it done then. 

Also, decided to cut down on time spent on my phone. Specifically, on fb. I've been on it a little too much lately. It was mainly because a lot of stuff has been happening. I'll try not to look at my phone while I eat. That'll help a bit. A few months ago I tried to cut fb out almost completely for the week, and catch up with some things during the weekend. I would only look at notifications, and possibly respond during the week. Not sure if that'll be the best way now...We'll see.

I was pleasantly surprised to see positive trans representation in Zombieland Saga. With the most current episode, that I watched last night, they revealed that Lily is a trans girl. The show is about a zombie idol girl group. It's not really like an idol anime, though. It's really off-beat and they've thrown a lot of interesting surprises out there so far. This one is the biggest one yet. The girls are different ages and come from different times. Lily is the youngest and most recently died (I think). She was a very successful child actress. I didn't quite get that she was trans until Saki said it didn't matter what 'junk' she has, she's still Lily and one of the girls. It was vague before that. Apparently, when Lily was first talking about her past with Sakura, there was a little trans flag. I didn't even see it, but a reviewer showed a snapshot of it. It was something Sakura was wearing, but it was right there. That's saying something. The way Lily died seemed comical at first. She died right after finding a hair on her chin. She had been complaining to her father about getting hair on her legs just before. She didn't want to go through puberty. She was overworked as an actress. So, the immense amount of stress with that, wanting to not age, and being very dysphoric about her body hair all mixed together was too much for her. Her father was very supportive and accepting of who she was, and she wasn't bullied for it. They treated deadnaming well, too. The producer of the group acted like it wasn't a big thing and that she's just like them. He was very supportive of her, which was surprising considering how much he yells at all of them. They all treated her with respect, too. I don't see such positivity around it in anime often. So, now we know how 4 of the girls died. Sakura was ran over by a truck, Ai was struck by lightning, Junko's plane crashed, and Lily died from stress. It seems they'll go over Saki's next. It looks like she might have died in a motorcycle accident, but they've been known to twist things. I wonder if Tae will ever 'awaken'. She's the only one left that hasn't yet. She's the one that's the most zombie-like. Although, she seems to be aware enough to learn dance moves, and is getting better about not biting people and things. I like her, but I want to know what she's like when she's more aware. 

Watched the Fairy Tail: Dragon Cry movie yesterday. It was ok. Not the best or worst. I remember seeing something about how some new things will be introduced in the movie that only manga fans knew about. Stuff that would carry over to this current final season. Like, Gray being able to control his 'demon' side, Lucy being able to equip new outfits and weapons based on the zodiac spirit she summons, possibly hinting at who or what Natsu really is, Acnologia and Zeref being enemies, etc. However, it seemed like that stuff was just thrown out there and made it a bit chaotic. 

I'm glad I started watching this season before watching Dragon Cry. It makes more sense this way, I think. Also, recently they named Erza as the new Fairy Tail guild master. They were told about why Makarov disbanded FT, and plan to save him. I'm glad they also went over Zeref's story more. He's supposedly the biggest 'villain' in the series, and almost everything revolves around him. He's not really evil. In fact, they make you feel sorry for him throughout most of the series. If he thinks about life, he kills everything around him. He's immortal and has been trying to find a way to kill himself. Another big revelation about him and Natsu makes a lot of sense. Also, makes sense why his book is titled E.N.D. Part of it probably does stand for an 'end' to his life. It's a book of demons he created to kill himself. (The majority of them failed.) However, it actually stands for Etherious Natsu Dragneel. Etherious are the type of demons in Zeref's book. Zeref's last name is Dragneel. I didn't realize this until he final said it recently. Before Zeref was 'cursed' he was trying to find ways to bring his deceased brother back. It seems Natsu is his brother brought back to life, but he might be a demon, too? Very interesting. This also probably means that he expects Natsu to kill him in the future.

12th of Kislev

Today's Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR). Went to a TDoR vigil on Sunday. I haven't gone for a few years, and I think the last time was my first. That one was at a park in the rain and cold. This year it was in an auditorium at the Bainbridge Island Museum of Art. Much more comfortable venue. I'm reluctant to go every time and have mixed feelings about it. (I even felt weird about 'TDoR' as a title for this post and decided not to.) This was the first one that I had been to after realizing I was agender. So, it seemed even more personal for me. It was hard enough to hear the names and know they were murdered, but most of them had more details as to how it happened. (Being shot, hung, etc.) There was a Buddhist priest that hit a bell (or gong?) after each name, which added to it. I thought it was a nice touch. I saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time, which was great. The theme at this one was about being welcomed. People don't just want to be 'tolerated' or 'loved', they want to feel welcomed to be themselves. 

Dad was one of the speakers. There was also someone who was apart of the first TDoR 20 years ago in Boston (I think). It wasn't really 'official'. It was a march for a trans woman named Rita Hester who was brutally murdered. The following year they turned it into an annual vigil commemorating trans people who were murdered within that year around the world. At one point, they asked people to go up and speak. I couldn't. I think my throat would have closed up. The last speaker was a reverend, originally from Scotland. He was pretty cool. 

Went to the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium in Tacoma the weekend after my birthday. I hadn't been to a zoo in a very long time. Haven't been to that particular one probably since 2003. It was just before I left for college. Dad had horrible migraines, and mom had a hard time getting around. I was the only one that was 'fine'. Kind of tainted it. Anyways, it was great this time. Half the animals seemed to be inside or relocated because of construction, so we couldn't see all of them. Saw quite a lot, though. It'd be cool to go to the Woodland Park Zoo in the future. I think I have more memories of that one, and it might be bigger. I just tend to forgot about the zoos and museums near us. 

After that we went to the Cheesecake Factory. I had chicken pot-stickers. They were appetizers on the 'light' menu, and seemed the perfect size for dinner. So many entrees are ginormous there. They listed the calories, and the pot-stickers were one of the lowest. It was eye-opening to see the others. Many were over 1000 calories. I got their Very Cherry Ghirardelli Chocolate Cheesecake. It had quite a lot of calories, but at that point I didn't care. It was spectacular looking. 

I tried adding more vegetables to all my meals besides dinner. It went ok for a couple of days, but then I felt it was just easier to go back to the way it was before. I also ended up feeling really sick. I'm not sure if adding the vegetables had anything to do with that part...Since I still have some mild malabsorption issues, I thought it would help me. Plus, peeling and cooking almost every vegetable made it more of a chore.

I wore my chest binder yesterday for a few hours. I'm thinking of getting back into it. I tend to forget to pull it down to almost passed my butt. If I don't it wrinkles up and gets really uncomfortable. With it pulled down like that, it feels much better. Hardly notice it, except it's not very flexible. So, I really notice it while picking up things, going to sit, going up stairs, and such. I look much better in the mirror with it. Shirts sit different, too. I've noticed that I burp a lot with it on, too. Not sure what that's about. 

I plan to look for a new primary soon. Partly because I want to start Kaiser Permanente's Gender Health Program. Just glanced at their site on it, and apparently if I call their gender specialists, they can connect me with a primary that's been trained in gender-related health care. Not sure if they'd have anybody like that near me. I can't stand my current one. She hasn't asked me to come in for a wellness visit, and it's been roughly 1 1/2 years since I last saw her. It's supposed to be once a year, considering all the health stuff I've had. The last time I saw her she gave me a lecture when I brought up trying another GI. I wanted one with an MD. I had only one with an MD. The next one was a nurse, and the last one a physician's assistant. They can't do much. The PA even told me her hands were tied and couldn't help. She also keeps telling me how smart I am. I don't go there to be praised, and when it's all the time, it ain't flattering. I have a feeling if I told her I was trans, she'd think I was influenced by Dad, seeking attention, or something. The new one would know I was trans from the start. I feel I need to come out in order to talk about this stuff with them. If I get someone trained in gender issues, that'd be best. 

Recently, I decided to try and friend more people on fb. I only friend or accept requests from people I know in some way. I haven't met all of them in person. Some are from forums I was active on years ago. Most of the new ones I knew for a while, but thought they wouldn't accept it. I should have just friended them in the past without caring about that. Considering not accepting it is the worst that will come of it. I think I got 10 new friends on there in the last week or so. One was someone from an ace group on there who friended me. That was cool. I don't usually think too much about friending people from groups on there. Maybe I should. There are some cool people in all the groups I'm in.

Finished watching The Method on Netflix. It was really raw. More so than many detective shows. I liked it but didn't at the same time. Went back to watching The Sniffer after that. It's another detective series. Interestingly, it's Ukrainian, set in an unknown Russian city, and filmed in Ukraine. It's a much better show. The main character doesn't want to kill anyone. The one from The Method kills without thinking, and calls it mercy afterwards. The one in The Sniffer is a bit of a germophobe for a good reason. He has a super sensitive nose, and it can get to be too much if there are too many smells around him. He keeps his apartment extremely clean so he's not overwhelmed. He tells people to wear special suits when they visit him. He also has his own elevator and parking garage. Same reason behind wearing gloves and not shaking hands. He's officially a partner as an 'expert' to the detective now. The detective reminds me of an actor from NCIS: LA. Both characters have great chemistry and their humor is on point. I just hate the 'sniffer's' ex-wife. She always seems to have a bee up her bonnet. She treats their son like crap, too. Turns out she might be addicted to prescription drugs, so that might be why.

Dropped Asobi Asobase. It was hilarious until there was a transphobic segment. I thought it'd turn out different. The girls were suspecting her to be a boy that hid 'himself' in order to get into an all-girls' school. This was after one of the characters saw her dumping a boy. The boy did say he didn't care if she were trans, and that he still loved her. That was a plus, at least. The girls really wanted to ask if she was a 'boy', but were terrified. She messed with them a little. (That part's kind of understandable.) She's considered one of the most popular girls. After being questioned, they made her appear normal. I thought that was great. They never revealed that she was trans, either. The true issue I had was about a second later the narrator cut in, and said that one of the girls (Hanako?) instinctively knew the truth and something was wrong. She made it seem like she was a wolf in sheep's clothing or something. It was very negative and perpetuated the idea that, in particular, trans girls/women are out to trick people. Not cool. I won't sit through more of that. I haven't come across many anime that were so blatant about it. 

Apparently, a remake of Fruits Basket's coming out in 2019. I usually get notified of anime that I'm interested in about to be aired, and news on anime I've seen from MyAnimeList. The news was all over the Japanese/Asian pages I follow on fb, too. Ones that aren't anime based. It was one of the first shows that got me hooked. Not long before that I thought anime was just for little kids. I was so wrong...My roommate and floormates at one of the dorms in college introduced me to it. Yes, that entire floor was into anime...It was scary at first. They were far more into it than I ever was. It's one of the best shoujo series out there. I don't normally like shoujo. The anime was great, but the manga was 100 times better. It was one of the first manga I read. The manga ran from 1998 until 2006. (Longer than I thought...) The anime aired in 2001. So, they were only working off of 3 of the 8 years for the adaptation. Many fans hated the ending. The mangaka (creator) had issues with how things were done. With this new version, they plan to adapt it in its entirety. They plan to have totally different voice actors, director, production, etc. I have to admit, I liked the English dubbed version more than the Japanese version. That's rare for me. It seems like they'll have better ones this time. The mangaka is overseeing everything, too. The art is getting an upgrade. The mangaka said that she was very sick when she made Fruits Basket, so according to her, her art was shaky and not up to par. I don't know about that...It was a bit different compared to the anime, though. Should be interesting to see the new art. So far there are only 2 promo posters, and I can't really get a 'feel' from them. I didn't think they'd remake it, and certainly not 18 years later. 

Sent a DNA sample to AncestryDNA. It was spit-based, and I was surprised at how much they wanted. It was gross 'collecting' it. I'll get to see where all of my family came from. Dad did it a few months ago. Should be interesting. It'll take 6-8 weeks. 

National Doughnut Day!

This holiday was yesterday. Interesting that there are 2 donut days. I prefer to spell it 'donut', but the more traditional way is 'doughnut'. Even spellcheck is saying donut is wrong...but, both are used by Americans. So, both are correct here. Donuts are great, and perfect for when it starts getting colder. We have chocolate donut holes, so I had some last night, celebrating it that way. Didn't plan it like that, though. Donut holes are nice because they're easier to portion out just right. You can have a little bit at a time or a lot. Interesting that, with these, a full portion is 5 of them. Quite a bit more than I expected. It was also Firewood Day. A fire in the fireplace is nice and cozy this time of year. Today's Election Day. I'm nervous about what the results will be. I voted in mid-October. The ads are even more annoying if you've already voted...People urging me to vote when I already have, is really irritating too. I was public about when I voted. At least that part will be over with soon.

This is my wallpaper for November. It's Rin and Kuro (the cat demon) from Ao no Exorcist or Blue Exorcist. I've used it before, but thought it was cute. A nice one for my birth month. Although, I want to find more colored wallpapers. (I'm kind of tired of what I have.) Not ones that I made from black and white manga chapters. I might change it again after that. Also, I've switched the colors to my taskbar, start menu, etc. to match it. It picks colors from the wallpaper. That's fun. With my old desktop, I had it set to silver and I miss that. For my current desktop, it started with black for the main color. This time the main color ended up being a light coffee-like color, with orange accents. I think I like it.

The month-long holidays for November are: Banana Pudding Lovers Month, National Memoir Month, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). Not many. Banana pudding is heavenly! I've already written a memoir. I can't imagine writing one in a month. Same with NaNoWriMo. I've heard some people try for it. It's quite an undertaking. None of my novels were done within a month. The fastest for me was roughly 4 months while working on 2 at the same time. (So, about 2 months each?) I would have had to write for several hours every day, without blocks. I sometimes get writer's blocks, and I can't imagine doing it for that long every day without getting them. So, I admire people who can finish any type of novel in just a month. Novel-length is rather long, too. I think I remember that the minimum is usually around 60,000 words. 

My birthday's tomorrow, and I celebrated a little this past weekend. Went to a nice Thai place for dinner on Friday. Red Lobster Thursday night. Although, that might not have been directly to celebrate my b-day. With what I can order, there's good food there, too. Went to Starbucks on Sunday and got their new chocolate swirl brioche and a vanilla creme frappuccino. The brioche seemed similar to a rugelach or babka. I hadn't had the drink in a very long time. The creme versions are nice, since they don't have coffee. (I'm not fond of coffee.) Plus, creamy vanilla is a great flavor. I consider frappuccinos as decadent. Like, having ice cream or a milkshake. I don't have them all the time. Probably with that and the brioche, that snack was packed with sugar. As long as I don't do that all the time, it's all good.

On Saturday, I got a mani/pedi. It had been 5 years, and I had only about 2 before that. So, they're rare for me. Some people might consider it a 'girly' thing. I don't. To me, I get to be pampered, have pretty nails, and cool nail colors. I think people of any gender could enjoy that. My feet and hands still feel so soft...For my fingernails, I got a gold/bronze (depending on what angle you look at them) polish with lots of glitter. The polish for my toenails is an electric blue. It reminds me of a color I used to have. Nobody else's going to really see my toes, but it's still a nice thing for myself.

I would like to go to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday, too. It'll most likely be during this weekend. They have such a variety of food. I also haven't actually had their cheesecake in a very long time. The few times we've gone, I usually don't get any dessert. I remember their cheesecake is amazing! I think trying their cheesecake for the first time was what made me fall in love with cheesecake in general. I used to hate and avoid it. Weird for a cheese lover, but there was something about the ones I tried previously that turned me off of it. Another possible restaurant would be the Oak Table for brunch. Their apple pancakes are really over the top. The only problem with both places is the wait times. 

Other places I want to go to: a local marine science center (haven't been there since the remodel and the giant octopus statue that was put up), a little shopping at the mall, a local naval undersea museum, maybe a movie at a theater, and a play based on Agatha Christie's Appointment with Death. I don't need to go to all of them (they're mainly just ideas), but they sound like they'd be a nice way to celebrate it.

I managed to get my walks in for today and yesterday. I've been trying to go for one of my 2-mile walks a day for a while. I thought after dinner would be the perfect time. It only worked out a couple of times. I've moved it to just before my afternoon snack this week. So far, it seems be a much better time. Plus, after dinner, during this time of year, would have meant walking in the dark. While I have 2 different flashlights, it doesn't seem as safe and I don't get to see as many things. This new time is nice, since I most likely won't bump into kids on their way home from school. Sometimes the high schoolers mistake me for one of them. I apparently look much younger than I am. There aren't that many people out in general at that time, as well. Hopefully, I can keep this up and eventually add another daily walk in. If I do, it'll probably be a morning one.

Studied Italian both today and yesterday. I took a mini break from it this past weekend. (Might do that again this coming weekend.) I also managed to get to drawing more of Shadow both days. I'm still figuring out a better design for his head, but I should be moving on to the rest of his body soon. Although, the hair might take me a while to get it just right...We'll see. I think he's already looking better than the last time I drew his head. 

Played my clarinet for both days. I seemed to not be as flexible with my fingers as I should be. It slowed me down. Kind of frustrating when your hands won't go fast enough or they freeze for a 1/2 second. I know it'll get better if I keep it up. I probably shouldn't have gone for a walk right afterwards today...It made me feel really winded. Walks help with controlled breathing, so it's beneficial for woodwind players that way.

I've been editing Alliance, too. I decided to not rush through an entire chapter each time. I noticed in the amount of time I give myself, I get through roughly 1/2 a chapter each time anyways. That's not bad. I'm finding a ton more errors. I think I know why it's so 'off'. I had the dialog written out similar to how a screenplay would be. I remember taking a film class where we learned how to write them. I liked it. I used that at the beginning of Alliance at first, because the story is very character/dialog centered. It made it easier. Not only for writing it, but it had a flow and probably easier on readers. I switched the dialog to a regular novel format at some point. It made it choppier, and I don't think I was really paying attention to it. I might switch it back to the screenplay format. It's also artistic license, where I can tweak it however I want. It might shorten it even more.  

Youtube:

One Piece:

This is most of the story up until they meet again after being separated for 2 years:

Boku no (My) Hero Academia:

Servamp:


Satsuriku no Tenshi (Angel of Slaughter):


Bungou (Literary) Stray Dogs:

National Oatmeal Day!

I used to love oatmeal. For a long time, it was my go to for breakfast. Now, it's just ok. I think I got sick of it. It's really healthy, though. I like putting cinnamon, Splenda, syrup, and raisins in it most of the time. I've also occasionally had it plain with just a touch of salt. It's good in cookies, too.

Someone responded to my intro thread on Susan's Place oddly. They said welcome to a new member and fellow human like themselves, who doesn't know of which gender they 'belong' to. Then, talking about how they related more to girls then what they were 'born as'. That I need to save time and decide soon to start my journey, otherwise I'd waste years of my life like they did. There's a lot to this...I know what my gender is. I'm agender. I don't have a gender. I even mentioned this in the my first post. I'm not confused about it. Also, the use of 'belong' is weird in itself. Was she really saying that I should belong to one of the 2 boxes: male or female? If I don't, then I'm confused or I can't make up my mind? That there are only 2 genders? How very binary of you, or exorsexist or enbyphobic. I wasn't born as a female. I was assigned that at birth. I don't think a newborn truly knows what gender they are themselves. Many people realize early in life, but right after birth? It's not like they could tell the doctor, even if they were aware of it at that time. Anyways, I've always been agender. I couldn't relate gender-wise to either girls or boys. Also, telling me to transition quickly is problematic. What if I want to go at a different speed? Why should I rush it? Transition will look different for me, too. She hasn't responded to my reply yet. Not sure if she will. I felt that I had to speak up for myself on there. There are many with binarist views, and when pointed out by the few enbies on there, they seem dismissive. The other forum that I joined recently, TransPulse, is pretty inactive. I just signed up with an enby forum yesterday, but haven't posted anything or really looked at it yet. It should be a lot better for someone like me. It's sad, though.

Finished Satsuriku no Tenshi or Angel of Slaughter (ONA). I liked it a lot. However, they left the ending very open-ended. Some commented that the game did that, too. There are a lot of theories. I have a couple, but won't bring them up because it'll spoil it. The creepiest characters were the therapist and priest. The therapist fell in love with Rachel and wanted her eyes. She's only 13. He has a fake eye that goes out of place sometimes. The blind priest seems to have been behind it all. He had a really twisted view of who he thought were angels and those that were 'fallen' or witches. Even tried burning Rachel up, accusing her of being a witch. He also uses some sort of mist that makes people hallucinate. He questions Rachel's faith in G-d throughout most of it. I wonder how long Zack was there participating in this 'experiment'. He didn't know about any of the other floors, besides the people there. How many people did Rachel kill before she had amnesia? How did she get amnesia? There's a lot more unanswered questions. I like shows that make you think, though.

Tried using Duolingo on my desktop today. It's quite different than the mobile version. There aren't as many chances to get gems, and there isn't a 'health' circle. Health doesn't seem to matter on there. I could probably get most of them wrong without having to refill it with gems. Takes a lot of the 'game' out of it. They have more speaking exercises, but they only give you 1 chance to say it. They don't let you try again if it's wrong. It seems like there are more cons than pros with the desktop. I'll go back to the mobile version tomorrow. I finished the Household unit, and started the Adject. 1 unit in Italian. The Household one was long. One thing I noticed that might trip me up in the future is 'mobile' is pieces of furniture in Italian. Quite a bit different than the meaning of the English 'mobile'. 

I've decided to edit an entire chapter every time I edit Alliance. Some chapters are rather long. I went through 14 pages today. That's also looking at both the ebook and print versions at the same time. So, if I see an error on one, I have to fix it on the other, too. That eats up more time than if I was just looking at one. Plus, I found a lot of errors. A lot more than expected...At least, it'll turn out much better when I submit it again. I still have to go back through it another time to make sure I found everything. I think I'll rephrase a few things at the beginning, too. If I go through a chapter each time, this stuff will seem to go faster. 

Asexual Awareness Week!

AAW started this past Sunday. I'm not sure if I'll do much more for it besides mentioning it in this post. I've already changed my profile frame and cover photo on fb, mentioned it on Instagram, and I normally share ace stuff on fb (not much to change there). Last year, I created ace-related art. It was the flag in the background, heart over that with the aro flag, and the agender symbol on top. I drew it in pencil, inked it with a pen, and colored it all in with both colored pencils and markers. People seemed to like it. I haven't touched that ace media list I was compiling in several months. Maybe I'll look into that again. If I don't want to add to it, maybe I'll just share what I have with everyone. 

I feel a little odd that most ace advocacy stuff (at least that's shared and through memes) is focused on the nasty comments we get. Sure, that needs to be highlighted, but we face a lot more issues. I think we try to tone it down for others, because for so long people have brought up the Oppression Olympics. We're told that we don't face oppression/discrimination, or if we do it's nothing like 'real' members of the LGBTQ+ community. That's really twisted. The funny thing is every letter experiences something different, and yet we all experience similar issues, too. Even the L experiences different issues than the G. Some people from our own community want to kick us out...Mainly because of ignorance. Many have the idea that it just means celibate straight people, or a stepping stone for their romantic orientation. If you're aro ace, they don't know where to put you. 

All asexuality means is you aren't sexually attracted to anyone. The spectrum has varying degrees of sexual attraction. Some are conditional, some people rarely feel it, and others may have sexual attraction until certain conditions are met. This doesn't say anything about how people view sex. That can range, like with any group of people. People can be repulsed by it, love it, favorable, positive, indifferent, etc. Some aces can have lots of sex, while others avoid it like the plague. I'm sex-repulsed, sex-positive, and very curious about it. A weird combo. Sex-positive is when people are for sex ed, talking about it (not necessarily in graphic detail), joking about it, people having as much or as little as they want with consensual partners, etc. My stomach churns when it's directed towards me, yet I'm curious. 

Erasure is a big thing. Many LGBTQ+ groups either leave us out completely, or they have that A for ally. Ally doesn't belong in it. If you're an ally, you're helping that community on the sidelines. It's much needed, and they have an important role to play. However, they are not in the actual community. There's an analogy that has them as soccer moms. Those soccer moms do a lot for the team, but they are not actually playing the game. When the A is used for them, it takes away the chance for players who hardly get called out onto the field from 'playing'. The A is for aros and aces. Some people say it should also be for agender people. As an agender person, I disagree. We're already under the trans umbrella. We're also covered by the non-binary and genderqueer umbrellas, which are under the trans one. We're covered enough. Aromantics are not the same as asexuals, and they've been trying to separate from the ace community for a long time. I'm both, but those are 2 different parts of me. 

Another huge issue is 'corrective' rape. This affects aces of any gender. When some people hear that someone's ace, they view it as a challenge. They think that they can 'fix' them that way. This isn't talked about much, but it needs to be out there. 

There's also a serious issue that ace men specifically deal with. Men are taught that being hypersexual is manly, and if you're not, you're masculinity is questioned. It's not talked about much, because some people are scared to talk about it. When I read an article about it they mentioned that ace men challenge people's assumption of what makes a man. It's kind of sad if that's what people reduce men to. Ace women get flak too, but some think that women aren't supposed to be sexual in the first place. 

Another one is conversion therapy. Pretty much all of the letters in the LGBTQ+ community experience this. Not everyone in those groups goes through it, but many do. Some allos (short for allosexual[s] or people who aren't ace) seem to think it needs to be 'fixed' this way. Especially if an ace has absolutely no interest in sex. It's pretty horrid. Asexuality was regarded as a mental disorder up until very recently. A couple of years ago, I remember hearing people were running test trials on a pill that could 'cure' aces. That company didn't last long, thank goodness. It shows that it's still an issue, though.

Another one was about a study that came out a few years ago. People are the least likely to offer housing to aces. Gay people were turned down housing more so than straight people, but not as much as aces. Like most letters, youth get kicked out of homes because of being ace. It's just too much of an unknown and they're full of ignorance about it. It's more rare, but some aces are killed because of it, too. The reason it might seem rare is it's not reported often that way. So, we don't really know. That's another problem with it, we're so under-reported about this stuff. (Same with many other parts of the LGBTQ+ community.)

We don't have much representation in media. Some people say stories with aces and/or aro aces would be boring. However, not too long ago the creator of One Piece, Eiichiro Oda, said that Luffy is aro ace. He didn't use those words specifically (probably because he didn't know there were labels for it), but he said that Luffy's not sexually/romantically attracted to anyone. One Piece is the most popular manga/anime. In fact, it won a Guinness World Record for the most copies published for the same comic book series by a single author. It's the best-selling manga series in history. (Based on copies sold worldwide.) Luffy is the main character. That says something right there. He's anything but boring. This kind of came through during the Amazon Lily arc. Luffy had fallen into Boa Hancock's bath house while she was bathing. She was obviously butt naked. He didn't flinch. Acted like it was normal. Everyone (no matter the gender) seemed attracted to Boa, but he was the only one who didn't have that reaction. When they imprisoned him, naked, and stared at him, he just seemed really irritated. He didn't care much. Most of the Amazonian women had never seen a man before. The creator said the only things Luffy is attracted to are adventure and food. 

He also said that there will never be actual romance in the series. He's really unique about it. So many series have romance as an element, it's crazy! That promotes amatonormativity, which is an issue aros face. Amatonormativity is the idea that everyone needs romance, has romantic attraction, and promotes monogamous relationships. Some people sum it up as a One True Love Complex. It's like what aces face with how people say sex is a need, right up there with food/water, and that everyone is attracted to someone sexually. I think that's called compulsory sexuality. Both are extremely harmful and pushed on us like crazy. Same with heteronormativity. This stuff actually hurts allo/straight people, too. This is another positive and more creative aspect to One Piece. I'm tired of romance being shoved into stories all the time. (Some of it is good and is part of the story, but not much.) It's like filler to me.

Another good thing about this series is that it's rather mature. Some people infantilize aces (another issue) and think what makes a story mature is romance and sex. Glad he didn't do that. Instead it touches on topics of slavery, genocide, grief, assault, arranged marriage, poverty, corruption, racism, abuse, gender inequality, and more. Heavy stuff. Yet, there's a lot of humor. The only thing that might be an issue for people is the way he draws some of the women. However, it's not all women, and he said he was pressured to make some of them like that at one point. I don't think they look bad, though. His style is very unique, and there are a lot of different types of body shapes for both men and women in that world. Even their heights vary wildly. 

There's also Jughead from Archie's Comics who's aro ace. Although, the live-action show, Riverdale, turned him allo. (Straight at that.) Even the actor that portrays him was pushing for him to stay aro ace. Todd from Bojack Horseman is also ace. He actually came out and said it. There was apparently several episodes where he explained it, learned more about himself, and met other ace people. I think he's alloromantic (not aro, or experiences romantic attraction), which is good to have a variety out there. I don't watch the show, but people said that it was one of the best portrayals they've seen in any show. It's rare that the character said it themselves, too. 

It looks like this is my 1000th post on here. Wow! That's a lot! Seems like a milestone.

I joined 2 trans-related forums: Susan's Place and TransPulse. TransPulse is set up similar to AVEN. I didn't get much of a response for my intro thread on Susan's Place, and felt a little down about it. I had quite a few responses to the one I started on TransPulse. I decided to post in more threads to get more of a feel of Susan's Place. Maybe people on there just don't look at the intros. I know a lot of other forums where regular members didn't really care about that section. Found a thread about what 'flavor' of non-binary person we are. Basically, asking what enby gender we are (if we know), how we feel about masculine and feminine, introduce ourselves, when we knew we were 'different', if we have dysphoria, etc. Lots of stuff. Had rather long posts in there. People actually responded to what I wrote pretty quickly. Someone said they felt exactly like me about all this stuff. That was interesting. Other people welcomed me, and said that I came to the right place. In the TransPulse intro thread, some were recommending resources for me, which was nice. I didn't post in other threads on there. 

I decided to make time for the stuff I didn't feel I had time for before, during the weekend. So, learning more science and history stuff on Saturdays. (In addition to more Jewish stuff.) Music and art stuff on Sundays. Reading (an actual book) and forums on both days. As well as, movies on Saturdays and games on Sundays. I split them up mainly because of Shabbat. I'm technically not supposed to 'create' things, thus art and games would be on Sundays. I feel like forums don't really count for this...I don't know. But, learning is a big thing in Judaism, so science and history would be great for it. I managed to touch on everything this past weekend, so it's doable. Might not be as much when I do things like shopping those days. That's ok.

For science, I'm following the list of disciplines I found on wikipedia, and only skipping ones that don't interest me. Those mainly being things like the study of mites. That would just make my skin crawl. There are also some that don't seem to have much to them. I'm starting with acoustics or the science of sound. It's a branch of physics. I have very superficial knowledge of it to begin with. Many musicians learn a little about it, but it's the very basic stuff. So, this one will be very interesting. It's useful for many different things, too. Music, physics, electronics, speech, ultrasound, marine science, aeronautics, etc. I found the Acoustical Society of America's site. They have free articles on there. Their journal, The Journal of the Acoustical Society of America or JASA, has an fb page. They post news as well as free copies of the journal. Found a couple of channels on Youtube based on it. Lots of info sources available out there. It doesn't seem like a very popular area of study, though. Seems sad that way. I think I'll focus on it for about a month, then move on to the next thing. That'll be aerobiology or the study of airborne organisms. 

For history, I'm using another alphabetical list. Starting with art history. I took art history in college. It's a very interesting subject, and there's a lot to it. I remember the textbook for it was one of the biggest and most expensive. It's really vast. I found an app on art history. They cover a piece of art every day. They go over the elements of it, the artist, style, time period, and more. They go into a lot of detail, which is cool. I also found a couple of fb pages on it. There's lots of stuff on other sites online, too. There's probably a lot that we didn't cover in that class. Actually, I remember we only used about half that textbook. I'll spend a month on this, too. Next one for this is chronology. Although, I'm not sure if there's much to it. If not, I'll move on to cultural history. Some of these topics in the history list share things from the science one, which is fine. 

I went back to reading Stone Kiss by Faye Kellerman. It had been a couple of years since I stopped reading it. I only finished the first chapter before. Got through a lot of it this weekend. It's a detective series with a Jewish side to it. A really good series. Maybe I can finally finish what I have of it soon.

For music, I tried to look for clarinet-based apps and fb pages. There weren't very many, and none of them were good enough to like or download. I did find some music history-based pages on fb. I plan to go over some music history in the future. I've taken a couple of classes on different periods in college, and it would be interesting to go over that stuff again or learn new stuff about it. Maybe I'll go chronologically through those historical periods. I also want to hear more music from around the world, and download some of it. Maybe look into music theory, too. Or, even look into music specifically from countries that I'm learning the main language of. (Many countries have multiple languages.) Like, Italian music for now. I can go in many directions with this.

For art, I might do things like fill out memes that are made to help improve drawing/character development. I went through my 'collection' on deviantART, and found quite a few blank ones that I downloaded to fill out in the future. There are things that focus on reactions/expressions, drawing the oldest (or first) and newest character, some on the artist themselves (like how would you draw yourself in your style), outfits for characters, drawing in different styles, etc. All good for practice and getting more 'in touch' with my characters. I might go through all of my inbox on there, too. It's really backlogged, because I don't go on there nearly as much as I used to. I have several 'stacks' of deviations (art pieces) in there from artists I follow and groups. Each stack from the groups has around 200 deviations. That's a lot to go through. There a lot of journals and some on faves/llamas. I'm surprised I'm still getting so many faves and llamas. Llamas can be given by other members, and the more you get, the more the llama on your profile changes. I think mine's still an albino llama. At some point, it has sunglasses, a hat, outfits, and more. I might post to my journal on there. It's been a while. I can look at more art on there, fb, Instagram, and other places. Another thing that might be good is drawing buildings and scenery from Alliance, as well. All this will help me improve, and I can be more active on dA which is full of other far better artists to learn from.

I started watching Tensei Shitara Slime Datte Ken, or That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime. I wasn't sure about this one at first. It's from this current season, and I'm not far behind. It's better than I expected. It's about a 37 year old human, Satoru, who was stabbed to death by a robber. He was reincarnated as a slime named Rimuru, in basically a video-game like fantasy world. I have a feeling he is in a video game somehow. Slimes in video games (particularly rpg's) are often very weak. They're usually the first thing gamers have to attack. Even Fate has them as 'gels' that only inhabit the first couple of levels of the dungeon. However, it seems the opposite with him. He's a very powerful being. He can absorb almost anything. He gains knowledge of whatever he 'eats', can mimic those skills/spells, can make and store an unlimited amount of health potions from eating herbs, and more. He had to 'eat' a bat in order to talk, and eat something in order to see. They really are detailed about it. The animation is top-notch, and changed a few times. There was even a 3D scene. In the opening, it seems he can transform into a humanoid. Does that mean he eats someone? There's a lot of comedy, too.

Started Zombieland Saga. It's also one from this current season, and I'm not far behind. When I first read the description of it, it didn't interest me. Then, Crunchyroll shared a clip on fb of it, and I was intrigued. I thought it was a typical pop idol-type anime. Pop idols in general are not really my thing. It's far from that, though. 7 girls are brought back to life as zombies by a 'mysterious' producer. The lead was killed 10 years ago by a truck just as she walked out the door, starting her walk to high school. She seemed so happy and was going to audition to be in an idol group. This all happened in the first couple of minutes, so it's not like I'm spoiling that. She was the first to 'awaken' as a zombie. The other girls were mindlessly stumbling about and terrified her. They're all different ages and from different time periods. The producer wants to boost tourism for Saga prefecture by creating a zombie idol band. So far, there's only one girl that hasn't woken up yet, and she keeps biting everyone. The producer is a pro at applying makeup that makes them appear 'normal'. Also, it seems like each episode has a music theme. The first one they performed a heavy metal concert. Again, the lead or Number 1 was the only one 'aware'. It was hilarious. The 2nd episode was on hip hop. The rapping was actually pretty good, and they added a little of traditional Japanese music to the background as well as some modern music flare. It's a hilarious series so far. 

Started watching Radiant, too. It's also from this current season. It's an adaptation of a French comic. Apparently, one of the first anime adaptations of a series from France. From what I read, they cut a lot of the distinctly French-type humor for the first few episodes. They also made Seth, the main character, less reckless. Alma, his teacher and guardian, changed a bit, too. Kind of sounds like they watered it down a bit for the beginning. It's a mage/sorcerer based series. People who get near or touch a demonic-like being, called Nemesis, either die or become sorcerers. The sorcerers are looked down upon until regular humans ask for their assistance against the Nemesis. Sorcerers are the only ones who can kill them. Seth is an orphan with horns. I'm assuming that when people come into contact with a Nemesis (and live), they gain something like horns, bat wings, or really big hair. There's a lot of unknowns with this one. It's interesting, but seemed a lot like other series like D.Gray-man, Black Clover, and Fairy Tail. Doesn't seem very 'French' at all yet.

Global Cat Day!

This holiday was yesterday. I love my cats. Rosie is especially attached to me. Cats are a lot more affectionate and loving than many people think. They just may express it differently than dogs. They all have different personalities, too. (Same thing with dogs.) Every time Rosie sees me, she seems so happy and excited. She also treats me like both a parent and kitten. I don't know how that's possible...She encourages me to eat more. Particularly if I haven't eaten much or have forgotten during the day. Today's National Pasta Day. I love pasta. Pretty much any kind.

I got a jewelry cleaning kit this past weekend. It comes with 2 2-sided polishing cloths (one for silver and the other for gold), a small brush, and a tray that you dunk into a tub of cleaning solution. It seems like quite an operation. Depending on the size of jewelry, you put 1 or 2 pieces in the tray. Then, dunk them for 30 seconds, rinse with lukewarm water while brushing them, and finally use one of the cloths. One side helps clean it further (helps with the tough grime), and the other side is to polish it off. I've never cleaned my jewelry before. I started wearing earrings when I was 14. (Clip-ons before that, of which I obviously don't have anymore.) So, it's been a while. Some are really awful looking. I think they were even causing infections near the holes. A few months ago, I stopped wearing them on a regular basis because they were hurting too much. I ended up with weird lumps around the openings. Anyways, I cleaned all my studs first, and they look so much shinier and feel cleaner. I did some of my bigger earrings yesterday, which took a bit more effort. They turned out much better, too. There was only one pair that I couldn't scrub off the green stuff completely. I thought the pair was fake gold, so it seems odd to me that they'd turn green. I know it oxidizes over time, and may have affected it if it were 'real'. Also, even if it were, it seemed excessively green. I hardly wore them. At least, they look better now. I have a lot more earrings to clean. It'll take a while. It's good to do, though. 

I got frustrated so much with Duolingo's Russian course that I dropped it. Even without the glitches, it wasn't structured very well. I started learning Italian Monday. I can tell already that it's set up like their German course, which was great. I'm liking it so far. There have been speaking exercises right away, unlike the Russian course. (That never had them.) I've been spot on with those. It's fun to say. It also seems rather easy right now. I know I just started, but I'm breezing through with only a couple of minor mistakes. A lot of it makes sense. I'm noticing that some Italian words that people say here in the US are mispronounced. That's been interesting. Also, interesting that a cookie is a biscotto, and cookies are biscotti. This goes for any type of cookie. Candy is caramella, which lit. is caramel. So, all candies are referred to that way. Makes sense, but might get a little confusing when specifically talking about caramel. Today, I finished the Plurals, Animals, and part of the Food 2 units. Quite a bit. After the Food 2 one, it'll be Possession. That'll be the end of the 1st section or trek. 

I made a list of possible future languages to study. It's longer than I expected. Here it is so far: Indonesian, Hindi, Korean, Spanish (I know snippets of it already), Romanian, Gaelic (not sure if it'll be Irish or Scottish), Dutch, Norwegian, Vietnamese. Each one will be about 3 months each, like I have been doing. I'll also be learning more about the cultures around them, as well. 

After going through a forum poll on AVEN, I realized I have a lot of interests. That popped up in my mind when I went to an international market downtown, too. (To me, they had so many fascinating different types of food.) I'm curious about pretty much everything, not just the languages and cultures. All different types of sciences, stories, writing, media (includes anime, manga/comics, movies, shows, etc.), food from around the world (includes snacks, cheeses, breads, etc.), math, reading, music (almost every aspect from playing it to listening, history...), history, drawing/photography, my religion, and so much more. It can be overwhelming and sometimes intimidating. I sometimes forget about them. That doesn't mean my interest in them has waned, but that there are just so many of them. I sometimes feel like I don't have the time.

I thought it'd be interesting to focus on science, history, more Judaism, reading, drawing/art (like memes to practice with), music, and more stuff during the weekends. For science, I found a list of disciplines I can go through alphabetically. (Since I wasn't sure where to start.) There are a lot. I thought depending on what it is, I'll focus a month or two on them. I'll skip some of the ones that I have no interest in. Like, the first one on the list is acarology or the study of mites. That would make my skin crawl...I might start with aceology or the study of remedies or therapeutics. Or, acoustics. There are a lot of really interesting sounding ones on the list that I don't have much knowledge of. That would be fun to expand that knowledge. I plan to look into pages on fb related to those fields, possibly find books on it, read articles, maybe see if there are apps devoted to it, and more. I might go through anthropology stuff when I get to it. That's what I was majoring in in college, but I could reacquaint myself with it or see what's new. I could do something similar with history. I want to get through my really old reading list too, and eventually add to it. For music, I could look up music-based fb pages for things like music history, clarinet, musicians, etc. I could discover and download new songs, too. 

With Judaism, I could look into Jewish philosophy (I loved it when I took a course on it) and study more of the Talmud, Mishnah, etc. I could look for more Jewish pages and apps, too. All that in addition to getting back into regular Shabbat stuff again, like going over the weekly parsha (Torah portion) and my own services. My own, since my immune system has weakened quite a bit. Even though I'm currently taking an anti-inflammatory med, lialda, it's heavy duty and still messes with my immune system. Not as much as azathioprine, at least. Anyways, I'd easily catch something if I went to one of the 2 synagogues in the area for it. Also, doesn't help that I have other 'issues' with both. I can still have the 'experience' with live-streaming services. Sometimes, I just go through on my own with an old prayer book. 

Sometime in the near future, I might upload audio vids (with text) to Youtube of playing the clarinet. Audio, because I feel weird with seeing myself on video. Although, my new computer has a webcam...It might be easier, and I might ease myself into it. Either way, hearing myself when I play them back might help me improve. It'd be nice to get some constructive criticism from people. However, I know there are a lot of trolls on there. So, we'll see with that. I don't think I've gone back to playing long enough or on a regular basis to do this yet. 

Also, I've decided to join a few trans specific forums. (Haven't registered with them yet, just found them.) I've never been a member of one. I've joined many other types of forums in the past. This might help me. If anything, I might befriend other trans people, and commiserate with people who 'get it'. AVEN has a gender section, but it's not that big. It's usually full of people questioning what they are, which is a great starter for people. It's just...not in depth or anything. The ones I'm going to join are: Susan's Place, TransPulse, Non-Binary & Genderqueer Support Forum. I think I've heard Susan's Place briefly mentioned in the local trans group. It seems to be one of the oldest. I didn't know there was a specific enby forum. That's pretty nifty. We have some specific issues that we deal with that binary trans people don't. We experience a lot of the same stuff in general, though. It's like another layer/element for us. All 3 forums are huge! The generalized trans forums both actually have a surprisingly large enby section. I found these 3 through a google search. There might be other great ones out there, especially because these were pretty much the first ones that came up. I didn't know there was such a large community online. Gives more choices. If I don't like them, for whatever reason, I can easily find others.

It feels like I've been overwhelmingly sick every few days. I'll get incredibly nauseous and have come close to passing out. Also, my guts are acting up more than usual. I'm not sure if it's just that I'm flaring worse on those days or I really am sick. There are lots of memes shared in the 2 IBD fb groups I'm in about this sort of thing. Speaking of which, I'm getting really tired of seeing extremely graphic images through them. There are a few people who take pics of themselves high, too. That's weird. I know that some people smoke marijuana or use cbd oil to help with it, but I don't need those sort of posts. A lot of them seem very religious. Particularly, Christian. They tend to be much older than me. Yet, most people are diagnosed in their late teens to early 30s. It's odd. Although, I'd say a good chunk of the members are actually parents of IBD patients who don't have it themselves. That's added a bit of drama between them and actual patients of the group. Some people think it should only be for patients, others feel grateful that there are parents/family out there that support us and it makes them feel better, others are grateful but think there should be a separate group just for them. I agree with the latter. Many join to gain knowledge, but maybe there could be a few patients that join that family group to help them instead. They have quite a few anti-vaxxers. That's dangerous for a chronic illness community. Especially, for patients with autoimmune diseases. One of them seemed anti-LGBTQ+. I feel like dropping them both, and looking for others. Maybe there are some for LGBTQ+ IBD patients? Or, Jewish groups with it? Or, even ones for people younger than 50? There's got to be some out there like that.

I finished watching Hinterland on Netflix. Tried to go back to Let's Eat. I had only watched the 1st episode before. This second one was less about food, which is what it's supposed to focus on. It was honestly boring. The hyper-female-centric aspect got to me. (It wasn't just because I'm afab and not a woman.) It had stereotypes, and wasn't like women in real life. Sure, the main character was a tough woman with an attitude, but there was something about her, too. She was better than the others. 

So, I dropped that, and went back to The Method last night. I watched a couple of episodes a long time ago. It's a Russian detective show. There's quite a lot of dark humor, which I like. The main detective goes to extremes to teach people, and seems to go an easy/sly way of catching criminals. It can be intense to watch. Things move quickly. In the episode I watched last night, he caught the criminal by talking through the criminal's reasoning, saying it was valid, serving him cake, casually talking to the girls he kidnapped, and essentially cozying up to him. He went willingly. The detective's partner/assistant, who's learning from him, had the mindset that she had to have a weapon to arrest him. She was ready to hit him with a large rock. She's actually tough and has been the only one to 'survive' longer than a day with him. All his previous partners couldn't stand his 'methods' or accidentally died. In a few of the situations so far, she actually seems stronger and smarter than him, which might be why he pleaded with her to stick with him. I think this is the 1st suspect that didn't end up dying in a brutal way. I remember the one from the 2nd episode well. The detective was trying to talk him into turning himself in. Then, he grabbed his partner and was about to slash her throat. The detective was quick on his toes, and as soon as the knife started to move, he stabbed him in the neck with a pen. It was at such a spot, he couldn't speak as the blood gushed out. Just gargled a lot. This is, of course, on a mostly empty bus. At the next bus stop the detective just tossed the guy out onto the bench as he bled to death. He did it to save his partner, but I don't think he should have gone to such lengths. Parts of the episodes are set in the future with his partner talking to other detectives about whether he's fit to work. They think he's mentally unstable. And, there was some sort of incident that we (the viewers) haven't seen yet. That's what made them start investigating him. Meanwhile, as they're talking, she keeps drinking alcohol from a flask. It looks like the same flask that he uses currently. He drinks a lot, by the way. Currently, this has flabbergasted his partner. She doesn't really drink right now. Something changes her, too. 

I decided to start a birthday fundraiser on fb. (My birthday's on November 7th.) It's the first time I've ran one on there. It was a bit difficult to narrow down. After a while, I decided on the Trevor Project. They're an organization focused on suicide prevention among LGBTQ+ youth. They have a crisis intervention lifeline (they're most known for), school workshops, educational materials/programs, online resources, advocacy, and help the parents. They recently recognized and trained their staff to help with what aces face. Not sure about aros. They might lump them together, which isn't really cool...Even if I'm both. This gained them even more 'points' with me. They want to help everyone in the community. A very worthy cause. So far, none of my friends have donated. Fb itself donates $5 to it no matter what. At least there will be that. There are 3 weeks left, so maybe that will change. After posting about it a 2nd time, a couple of people reacted. Maybe that means they'll donate later? I guess I'll see.