24th of Elul

Had a busy day Friday. Spent most of the day in Tacoma. Went to 2 different recycling places. Then, to the Tacoma Mall so my parent could recycle her old ipad and iphone. The line for the new iphone was long. Glad we weren't there for that. 

My parent found out that she had pink eye Thursday afternoon, and was told not to go back to work the next day. Since it's highly contagious. I hope I don't get it. Although, I think I would have had signs by now. This made it easier to make a full day of it. 

We went to Half Price Books after that. She gave them a huge collection of books. (Filled up 3 boxes.) They didn't see the value in it, sadly. They'll recycle them for her. I did find a cookbook there. It's called Traditional Swedish Cooking. It was only $7. Really good for a cookbook. It's interesting. There's a lot of fish recipes. More than I expected. Fish side dishes, salads, stews, etc. Even fish that I haven't heard of before. They have other salads that seem 'safe' for me, too. Lots of cooked vegetables. Other types of stews. Tons of desserts. There's a section for bread, and another for preserves. Sounds fun. It also has alcoholic drinks. I don't drink alcohol, but it was interesting. There are tips for certain ingredients. A lot of the recipes sound doable to me, even with the pain. 

After that, we went to my rheumatologist's appointment. He seemed to actually listen to me, was thorough, and tried to come up with things to help. He thought the muscle relaxant was a good idea. I think it might be helping, but I definitely feel it when it wears off. I might ask for a higher dose. 

He was worried about my hands. Brought up seeing a hand surgeon to figure out how to get rid of the lumps. There are so many. They're still somewhat small, but are growing and hardening. They're not painful, unless I mess with them for a while. They're annoying and sometimes move around. He was concerned about the weird sores on my hands, too. 

I brought up my mouth sores. Although, I think I only have one right now (like a thin line on the edge of the left corner of my lips). He still took a look at it. I forgot to tell him that one of the sores that disappeared was black with a little white on top and big. It scared me. Now that it's not there anymore, maybe it doesn't matter if I told him. 

I wasn't sure, but I thought the big lump on my neck might be a swollen lymph node. I thought it was too big for one. He said they can get much bigger, and it would make sense if it were. He wants me to see a dermatologist, since he's not an expert in what's going on with my skin. 

I brought up the possibility that I have scleroderma. He agreed it could be, but also brought up lupus. He ordered 2 blood tests, one for scleroderma, and the other is the ANCA Screen. I think the ANCA Screen is to help narrow down what autoimmune disease it is. If it's positive, it's a certain group. If negative, those are eliminated. I don't know much about that test. I had a strong urge to get imaging done on my hands and wrists, and he agreed and ordered x-rays. Those lumps could be calcium deposits, which would show up on x-rays. Plus, the structure of my hands seems to have changed. They're more twisted and bony looking. The positions the put my hands in were awkward to stay in, too. Apparently the results are all back, but I'm nervous to look at them. What if both blood tests are negative and the x-rays come back with nothing? I'm back to square one. However, what if all of them indicate what I think is going on? He said he'd make a phone appointment depending on the results. If he doesn't, I'll see him in 6 months. That's a long time, but maybe the dermatologist will come up with things. 

Went to the Cheesecake Factory after that. We don't go there very often, so it was a treat. So many things on their menu are calorie-laden. It's often hard to pick if I've eaten anything beforehand. I only had breakfast before that, so I could handle quite a bit. It was also the start of my treat days, but I didn't want to go overboard. I got their cheddar-stuffed burger. Most of the cheddar fell out and pooled on the plate as soon as I started eating it. Much more liquidy than I expected and kind of gross looking. The burger and sweet grilled onions were great. I ate all of the burger and onions, a little of the cheddar, roughly 1/4 of the bun, none of the fixings, and roughly half of the fries. I think I did pretty well with that. For dessert, I got their Cinnabon Cinnamon Swirl Cheesecake. It had layers of Cinnabon cinnamon cheesecake, vanilla crunch cake, cream cheese frosting, and caramel on top. There was cinnamon and sugar sprinkles on the back of the slice, too. It tasted and smelled like a cinnamon roll. Like 2 desserts in one. Got home pretty late.

For the last couple of days, Rosie has had an upset stomach. I woke up to her scratching on my closet door Sunday morning. She scratches near things she doesn't like. She does this almost every time she goes to the bathroom in the litter boxes. Seems that she's trying to flush it away or something. She never covers. Anyways, I ignored her until the 3rd time she came by to scratch. I lightly tapped her on the butt, and told her to stop. She walked a little towards the middle of my bedroom and proceeded to throw up. What a way to start the day! Turned out she had thrown up a lot near my closet. I took care of it all before I got ready for the day. Then, she seemed fine throughout the day. Monday morning, she threw up again in my room. Near my sneakers this time. Cleaned it up. Throughout the day she would throw up clear stuff. She seemed depressed and was very affectionate. I was angry Sunday morning, but that quickly turned into feeling bad for her. She must have eaten something she shouldn't have. She doesn't get sick that often. She hasn't thrown up today. At least, not that I know of.

I've decided to try to stick more closely with the daily calorie range limit I set for myself (1200-1600, 1400 being the 'sweet spot'), and to be close to what's recommended of other things like sugar, carbs, protein, etc. It's a balancing act. The calorie range is the easy part. I vary wildly day to day when it comes to many of the other things. Half the time I go a little over what's recommended for sugar, the other half I get maybe half of it. I'm usually well over for carbs. That's something I'm going to have to 'manipulate' a bit. Since I have a problem with absorbing protein, I need more than what's recommended for a healthy person. However, I have a hard time going over the halfway mark for that healthy person's recommended amount. I never make it to the full amount for that. So, it's an even more difficult thing for me. Interestingly, I usually am under the recommended amount for fat. I plan to still have Friday night to Sunday as my treat days, but I might try to be a bit more careful. Maybe my limit should be around 1800 calories a day for those. Not sure about the rest of the nutrients. I think I figured out today's stuff pretty well. Except for the protein. Seems like I'll just barely make it over the halfway mark for that. I'll end up being slightly under 1400 calories, which isn't bad. Only 4g over for carbs. (The recommended amount for carbs is 225g.) Right on for sugar. Yay! Better with potassium than usual, too. That's close to it's halfway mark. Only 4% under the recommended amount for calcium. 17% under for iron. Potassium, iron, and calcium can be tricky for me, too.

Studied Dutch on Duolingo both yesterday and today. I skipped it on Friday. Despite that, I'm still in the Ruby League. I'm 1/4 way through the Arts 2 unit now, and made it passed the 5th checkpoint. I think that's the last checkpoint. They did it a little differently with this one. It must be a new thing. In order to pass it, they quiz you on content you were taught after the 4th checkpoint. They don't let you see the translations of the words in sentences you may have forgotten, can't repeat what was said, a couple of different formats for the questions than the usual, etc. Supposedly it wasn't graded either. Maybe it's more of a review? Made it through quickly. 

Edited Alliance yesterday and today, as well. I'm well into chapter 10 now. Today I went through 7 pages of the ebook version, and 9 pages of the print. I only did it for 4 days last week, but I managed to go through 36 pages of the ebook, and 51 pages of the print all together. That's a lot! I'm still surprised at how quickly I'm moving through it this time. 

Practiced my clarinet yesterday. Finished playing through my klezmer book, and started the Mozart one. I wasn't feeling up to it today. Hopefully, I'll get to it tomorrow. 

Finished watching the new anime adaptation of Fruits Basket. There is going to be a 2nd season. It really did stick to the manga. The 1st anime didn't, and the mangaka (creator) was really upset by it. She hated the design, the music, the voice actors' portrayals, etc. That one also had a lighter more immature tone. The actual manga gets dark quick. There's still a lot of humor, though. The design with this new anime followed the one in the manga to a T, which was interesting to see. They made the art prettier and animation better. The voice actors were much better. I remember how much I hated the Japanese voice actors in the older anime. It's really rare, but the English dub was much better in that. This time the Japanese voice actors sounded pretty much how I'd imagine the characters to sound. The music was better with the new one, too. It wasn't so wishy-washy. With the old one, they veered off into a different direction than the manga halfway through because they caught up to it. The manga wasn't even halfway through. So, people only got a glimpse at the plot. I'm glad I read all of the manga. It gets complex. There were characters that I liked that weren't in the old anime, since they were introduced later. Got to see one of those in the last couple of minutes of the 2019 version's finale. That was Rin, the horse in the zodiac. I've also realized that there are quite a few queer themes in it, which might be why I liked it so much in the past. I didn't realize it at the time. It's hinted that a few characters may be trans and some are gender non-conforming. One character is clearly bi, but jokes about it sometimes. Their friendships are portrayed in a much deeper way than many series (manga/anime, and even in Western media). Some of them could easily be called queerplatonic. There's a big twist to the story in the manga. They have you thinking one of them is a certain gender throughout most of it, but isn't. They were forced to be a certain gender. I think they might actually be non-binary. (I'm trying to not spoil who that is.) The main protagonist, Tohru, is tougher than she seems also. Probably was a way to portray a strong female character girls and women could look up to or be inspired by. Rare in shoujo anime/manga, to me. She seems more...real. I think she sometimes slips out of gender roles, too. The series also touches on mental illness and some other deep topics. Hopefully, the 2nd season will be out soon. They just said sometime in 2020. I'm not sure how many seasons they'll make. I think if they want to do the whole thing it might be 3 or 4 seasons long? Not sure. That would be cool. I'll get to see more of the manga-only characters next season. Yay!

Also, finished Naka no Hito Genome or the Ones Within. I liked it a lot. It had a dark side to it, which is my sort of thing. The characters were unique and most were lovable. I think Anya is actually ace, possibly aro as well. He's never had a crush, and he's said he doesn't like anyone when he was asked about dating. Some of the others don't seem straight, either. They leave it ambiguous, which was a fascinating side to it. They hint at some of them possibly being gay, lesbian, or bi/pan. Again, it's put in such a way, except for Anya, that you can't really tell. Makino, who doesn't talk much and loves to sleep, seems to attract everyone. He also seems, at least, to be gender non-conforming. I think I share a lot of Akatsuki's traits, which was interesting. The only one I felt iffy about was Akatsuki's stalker, Yuzu. I think she was meant to make people feel that way. The games were interesting. They managed to get over half the amount of viewers they needed. It leaves it wide open for a 2nd season. I really hope it does have one. It seems highly underrated. 

12th of Kislev

Today's Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR). Went to a TDoR vigil on Sunday. I haven't gone for a few years, and I think the last time was my first. That one was at a park in the rain and cold. This year it was in an auditorium at the Bainbridge Island Museum of Art. Much more comfortable venue. I'm reluctant to go every time and have mixed feelings about it. (I even felt weird about 'TDoR' as a title for this post and decided not to.) This was the first one that I had been to after realizing I was agender. So, it seemed even more personal for me. It was hard enough to hear the names and know they were murdered, but most of them had more details as to how it happened. (Being shot, hung, etc.) There was a Buddhist priest that hit a bell (or gong?) after each name, which added to it. I thought it was a nice touch. I saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time, which was great. The theme at this one was about being welcomed. People don't just want to be 'tolerated' or 'loved', they want to feel welcomed to be themselves. 

Dad was one of the speakers. There was also someone who was apart of the first TDoR 20 years ago in Boston (I think). It wasn't really 'official'. It was a march for a trans woman named Rita Hester who was brutally murdered. The following year they turned it into an annual vigil commemorating trans people who were murdered within that year around the world. At one point, they asked people to go up and speak. I couldn't. I think my throat would have closed up. The last speaker was a reverend, originally from Scotland. He was pretty cool. 

Went to the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium in Tacoma the weekend after my birthday. I hadn't been to a zoo in a very long time. Haven't been to that particular one probably since 2003. It was just before I left for college. Dad had horrible migraines, and mom had a hard time getting around. I was the only one that was 'fine'. Kind of tainted it. Anyways, it was great this time. Half the animals seemed to be inside or relocated because of construction, so we couldn't see all of them. Saw quite a lot, though. It'd be cool to go to the Woodland Park Zoo in the future. I think I have more memories of that one, and it might be bigger. I just tend to forgot about the zoos and museums near us. 

After that we went to the Cheesecake Factory. I had chicken pot-stickers. They were appetizers on the 'light' menu, and seemed the perfect size for dinner. So many entrees are ginormous there. They listed the calories, and the pot-stickers were one of the lowest. It was eye-opening to see the others. Many were over 1000 calories. I got their Very Cherry Ghirardelli Chocolate Cheesecake. It had quite a lot of calories, but at that point I didn't care. It was spectacular looking. 

I tried adding more vegetables to all my meals besides dinner. It went ok for a couple of days, but then I felt it was just easier to go back to the way it was before. I also ended up feeling really sick. I'm not sure if adding the vegetables had anything to do with that part...Since I still have some mild malabsorption issues, I thought it would help me. Plus, peeling and cooking almost every vegetable made it more of a chore.

I wore my chest binder yesterday for a few hours. I'm thinking of getting back into it. I tend to forget to pull it down to almost passed my butt. If I don't it wrinkles up and gets really uncomfortable. With it pulled down like that, it feels much better. Hardly notice it, except it's not very flexible. So, I really notice it while picking up things, going to sit, going up stairs, and such. I look much better in the mirror with it. Shirts sit different, too. I've noticed that I burp a lot with it on, too. Not sure what that's about. 

I plan to look for a new primary soon. Partly because I want to start Kaiser Permanente's Gender Health Program. Just glanced at their site on it, and apparently if I call their gender specialists, they can connect me with a primary that's been trained in gender-related health care. Not sure if they'd have anybody like that near me. I can't stand my current one. She hasn't asked me to come in for a wellness visit, and it's been roughly 1 1/2 years since I last saw her. It's supposed to be once a year, considering all the health stuff I've had. The last time I saw her she gave me a lecture when I brought up trying another GI. I wanted one with an MD. I had only one with an MD. The next one was a nurse, and the last one a physician's assistant. They can't do much. The PA even told me her hands were tied and couldn't help. She also keeps telling me how smart I am. I don't go there to be praised, and when it's all the time, it ain't flattering. I have a feeling if I told her I was trans, she'd think I was influenced by Dad, seeking attention, or something. The new one would know I was trans from the start. I feel I need to come out in order to talk about this stuff with them. If I get someone trained in gender issues, that'd be best. 

Recently, I decided to try and friend more people on fb. I only friend or accept requests from people I know in some way. I haven't met all of them in person. Some are from forums I was active on years ago. Most of the new ones I knew for a while, but thought they wouldn't accept it. I should have just friended them in the past without caring about that. Considering not accepting it is the worst that will come of it. I think I got 10 new friends on there in the last week or so. One was someone from an ace group on there who friended me. That was cool. I don't usually think too much about friending people from groups on there. Maybe I should. There are some cool people in all the groups I'm in.

Finished watching The Method on Netflix. It was really raw. More so than many detective shows. I liked it but didn't at the same time. Went back to watching The Sniffer after that. It's another detective series. Interestingly, it's Ukrainian, set in an unknown Russian city, and filmed in Ukraine. It's a much better show. The main character doesn't want to kill anyone. The one from The Method kills without thinking, and calls it mercy afterwards. The one in The Sniffer is a bit of a germophobe for a good reason. He has a super sensitive nose, and it can get to be too much if there are too many smells around him. He keeps his apartment extremely clean so he's not overwhelmed. He tells people to wear special suits when they visit him. He also has his own elevator and parking garage. Same reason behind wearing gloves and not shaking hands. He's officially a partner as an 'expert' to the detective now. The detective reminds me of an actor from NCIS: LA. Both characters have great chemistry and their humor is on point. I just hate the 'sniffer's' ex-wife. She always seems to have a bee up her bonnet. She treats their son like crap, too. Turns out she might be addicted to prescription drugs, so that might be why.

Dropped Asobi Asobase. It was hilarious until there was a transphobic segment. I thought it'd turn out different. The girls were suspecting her to be a boy that hid 'himself' in order to get into an all-girls' school. This was after one of the characters saw her dumping a boy. The boy did say he didn't care if she were trans, and that he still loved her. That was a plus, at least. The girls really wanted to ask if she was a 'boy', but were terrified. She messed with them a little. (That part's kind of understandable.) She's considered one of the most popular girls. After being questioned, they made her appear normal. I thought that was great. They never revealed that she was trans, either. The true issue I had was about a second later the narrator cut in, and said that one of the girls (Hanako?) instinctively knew the truth and something was wrong. She made it seem like she was a wolf in sheep's clothing or something. It was very negative and perpetuated the idea that, in particular, trans girls/women are out to trick people. Not cool. I won't sit through more of that. I haven't come across many anime that were so blatant about it. 

Apparently, a remake of Fruits Basket's coming out in 2019. I usually get notified of anime that I'm interested in about to be aired, and news on anime I've seen from MyAnimeList. The news was all over the Japanese/Asian pages I follow on fb, too. Ones that aren't anime based. It was one of the first shows that got me hooked. Not long before that I thought anime was just for little kids. I was so wrong...My roommate and floormates at one of the dorms in college introduced me to it. Yes, that entire floor was into anime...It was scary at first. They were far more into it than I ever was. It's one of the best shoujo series out there. I don't normally like shoujo. The anime was great, but the manga was 100 times better. It was one of the first manga I read. The manga ran from 1998 until 2006. (Longer than I thought...) The anime aired in 2001. So, they were only working off of 3 of the 8 years for the adaptation. Many fans hated the ending. The mangaka (creator) had issues with how things were done. With this new version, they plan to adapt it in its entirety. They plan to have totally different voice actors, director, production, etc. I have to admit, I liked the English dubbed version more than the Japanese version. That's rare for me. It seems like they'll have better ones this time. The mangaka is overseeing everything, too. The art is getting an upgrade. The mangaka said that she was very sick when she made Fruits Basket, so according to her, her art was shaky and not up to par. I don't know about that...It was a bit different compared to the anime, though. Should be interesting to see the new art. So far there are only 2 promo posters, and I can't really get a 'feel' from them. I didn't think they'd remake it, and certainly not 18 years later. 

Sent a DNA sample to AncestryDNA. It was spit-based, and I was surprised at how much they wanted. It was gross 'collecting' it. I'll get to see where all of my family came from. Dad did it a few months ago. Should be interesting. It'll take 6-8 weeks.