Hanukkah started the night of the 2nd and ended on the 10th. I used one of the biggest menorahs that we had. We have quite a collection. This one was free, since my mom worked at a Judaica shop, parts of it are bent, and it leans to one side. They couldn't sell it like that. It's hard to light towards the end, because some of the cups bend inwards toward the shamesh. The shamesh candle/cup rests above the others. You're supposed to light the others with that candle. Made it difficult to put it back in its cup. It only uses Shabbos candles, which are thicker and bigger than the Hanukkah ones. It makes quite a statement. I think people can see this one the best from outside, and we're supposed to be public about it. Found frozen latkes from Trader Joe's and had them on the 1st night. They also had huge bags of gelt. Gelt are chocolate coins. A long time ago it used to be real coins that students would give to teachers as a way to honor them. Anyways, their bags were much bigger than our local market's. World Market had even bigger ones with more of a variety. Had sufganiyot (jelly donuts) on the 1st and 6th (I think) night. So, I did get to enjoy some good Hanukkah food.
This is my wallpaper for December. It's Bakugo from Boku no (My) Hero Academia. Thought it was perfect for this time of year. I like the warm glow. Since I have my taskbar and start menu set to picking colors from the background, it changed to warm crimson with slightly different shades of warm orange highlights. Makes it pretty when put together. I found a lot of new wallpapers, including this one, yesterday. I wanted more of a variety (based on more shows), and most of the ones from before are in black and white. I wanted more color. There's only one interesting month-long holiday for December: National Pear Month. I love pears! However, now I can only have them peeled, chopped up, and cooked. They're too tough on my system otherwise. It's been a while since my last post. Hopefully, I can get back to posting more regularly. It's great that I've already posted more this year than the past few years on here. I've been sick off and on, which is partially why it's been a while. (I don't feel motivated to do much when I'm sick.) I finally made an appointment to see my primary next Monday. I don't think I'm going to come out to her as agender, because it'll most likely be the last time I see her, and don't really want to deal with her much. I have to see her in order to get refills for lamotrigine. She tells me that she can't refill it unless I see her once a year about it. My previous doctors said differently, but maybe the system has changed. She might think my parent influenced me or the meds affected me, if I come out to her. I've also been in a lot of pain and more symptoms (related to colitis) have popped up. Last time I talked to her, she seemed utterly fed up and frustrated with my case. I'm sorry I have so much to deal with...She'll most likely run blood tests to see how lamotrigine is affecting my liver (I think, either that or kidneys) and a general panel. I can see how things are in general without mentioning any of the health issues I've been having that way. I'm thinking of calling the Gender Health Program number soon. I wanted to have my primary appointment first. I might email my parent's previous case worker on it, too. Just to ask her questions about it before I take the plunge. When I do finally start it, I'm going to first want to see a new primary. One that's been trained with gender issues. They can set me up with one. I also want that new primary to refer me to gastroenterology again to get a new GI. One with an MD. My current one actually told me that she's not equipped to deal with my case. Her hands are tied. (She's a PA.) I've only had one GI with an MD. That's not much. I also want to see a gender therapist. Apparently, my insurance's program will cover pretty much everything. I was surprised that they'd cover electrolysis. It's expensive otherwise. It's a big possibility for me now. Since I've had issues with awful life-threatening monthly 'friends' in the past (it's more complicated than that), and other issues, I most likely am sterile. I've been iffy about having my own kid for a while. Occasionally, it's been tempting, but at other times I'm completely turned off from it. Pregnancy and childbirth are incredibly gendered, so the process would most likely cause a lot of dysphoria. If I'm not sterile, it could kill me. If I do want kids in the future, I could adopt. Anyways, I'm thinking of getting a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. Not only because of the issues they give me, but it'll help with my dysphoria. I don't care if I'd have to take hormones for the rest of my life to make up for what's lost. People might try to talk me out of it because of how 'young' I am. I've always looked much younger than I am. I think I brought this sort of thing up after having an 8-month long 'friend' roughly a decade ago. My doctor was against it, and thought I'd change my mind eventually. Might be why I ended up becoming hesitant about it. I don't know. With those things out, I won't have to have another IUD implanted. Another positive. That program covers top surgery, too. So, yay! Another thing. After all this, I'd probably look very different. Probably happier, too. A couple of days ago, I decided to change my sleeping 'schedule' a little. Before, I had a set time to get up during the week. Now, I've decided that whenever I start to get ready for bed, I set my alarm for 9 hours later. 1/2 hour for getting ready, and 8 1/2 for being in bed. However, I tend to toss and turn at least for another 1/2 hour. It's more like I'm shooting for 8 hours of sleep. I haven't had a full night's sleep for a couple of years now. It's really difficult with the pain, and oddly being so fatigued. The eye mask and earplugs help a lot, though. Hopefully, no matter when I go to sleep, having the same set amount of time will help. This also means getting up at different times, but I think this would be more natural. It might be easier on my body. I'll probably do this during the weekends, too. Lately, despite feeling happy and excited to try so many different foods, I've occasionally felt tired of eating. Like the act itself. I've felt like this in the past, and have a hard time feeling any hunger during it. It's related to my colitis. Makes it a little difficult. I absolutely love food, so it can be frustrating, too. I tend to not pay attention to time between meals when I'm like this. I need to have 5 small meals daily. The daily range I set for myself is 1200-1600 calories, except on the weekends where I allow myself to eat however much I want. (Usually more calories.) If I forget times, I might skip meals. Sometimes I don't try to make up for a skipped meal, which means I go below my min amount of calories for a day. So a couple of days ago, I decided to set a timer after I start a meal for 3 hours. This way things are more set, I know when to start making/eating a meal, and I make sure to have it. The difficult part sometimes is getting myself to eat it. Smells great and might look amazing, but I still might have a hard time. This will help, though.
Found a lot of stuff at World Market recently. They have a pancake mix line with a variety of flavors. I've thought about trying them in the past. They're normally inexpensive, but this time they were about 50% off. Got the banana caramel one. It's amazing! I thought it'd call for milk and/or eggs, but it just had you add water and melted butter or vegetable oil. (I've been using the oil for them.) One serving is rather satisfying and easy to figure out the measurements for the water and oil. The directions apparently have you make 3 servings. The texture is nice, too. It's crispy. It has the same amount of sugar as my cereal, which isn't much. Despite having little caramel chips and banana mixed throughout. They don't even need syrup. They have a ton of calcium and some protein. Seem pretty healthy. I'm going to make them about half the time for my breakfasts until I finish the canister. I want to try the other flavors, too. Finished watching the Sniffer on Netflix. It was surprisingly good. Hope there's a 4th season. I liked that at the end of the finale Victor hugged the Sniffer tightly. (Not really a spoiler.) The Sniffer usually doesn't like hugs, and even handshakes can be odd for him. He hugged back. I think they both needed that emotionally (they went through hell that episode), and it was a friendly gesture. I almost feel like they could be in a qpr, since they're such close friends. The main theme song had a cool vibe. Went back to Persona, which is a Malaysian detective show. It's in Mandarin, but there's quite a bit of English sprinkled throughout. Youtube (It's been a while, so I'm sharing a little more this time): Boku no (My) Hero Academia:
Today's Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR). Went to a TDoR vigil on Sunday. I haven't gone for a few years, and I think the last time was my first. That one was at a park in the rain and cold. This year it was in an auditorium at the Bainbridge Island Museum of Art. Much more comfortable venue. I'm reluctant to go every time and have mixed feelings about it. (I even felt weird about 'TDoR' as a title for this post and decided not to.) This was the first one that I had been to after realizing I was agender. So, it seemed even more personal for me. It was hard enough to hear the names and know they were murdered, but most of them had more details as to how it happened. (Being shot, hung, etc.) There was a Buddhist priest that hit a bell (or gong?) after each name, which added to it. I thought it was a nice touch. I saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time, which was great. The theme at this one was about being welcomed. People don't just want to be 'tolerated' or 'loved', they want to feel welcomed to be themselves. Dad was one of the speakers. There was also someone who was apart of the first TDoR 20 years ago in Boston (I think). It wasn't really 'official'. It was a march for a trans woman named Rita Hester who was brutally murdered. The following year they turned it into an annual vigil commemorating trans people who were murdered within that year around the world. At one point, they asked people to go up and speak. I couldn't. I think my throat would have closed up. The last speaker was a reverend, originally from Scotland. He was pretty cool. Went to the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium in Tacoma the weekend after my birthday. I hadn't been to a zoo in a very long time. Haven't been to that particular one probably since 2003. It was just before I left for college. Dad had horrible migraines, and mom had a hard time getting around. I was the only one that was 'fine'. Kind of tainted it. Anyways, it was great this time. Half the animals seemed to be inside or relocated because of construction, so we couldn't see all of them. Saw quite a lot, though. It'd be cool to go to the Woodland Park Zoo in the future. I think I have more memories of that one, and it might be bigger. I just tend to forgot about the zoos and museums near us. After that we went to the Cheesecake Factory. I had chicken pot-stickers. They were appetizers on the 'light' menu, and seemed the perfect size for dinner. So many entrees are ginormous there. They listed the calories, and the pot-stickers were one of the lowest. It was eye-opening to see the others. Many were over 1000 calories. I got their Very Cherry Ghirardelli Chocolate Cheesecake. It had quite a lot of calories, but at that point I didn't care. It was spectacular looking. I tried adding more vegetables to all my meals besides dinner. It went ok for a couple of days, but then I felt it was just easier to go back to the way it was before. I also ended up feeling really sick. I'm not sure if adding the vegetables had anything to do with that part...Since I still have some mild malabsorption issues, I thought it would help me. Plus, peeling and cooking almost every vegetable made it more of a chore. I wore my chest binder yesterday for a few hours. I'm thinking of getting back into it. I tend to forget to pull it down to almost passed my butt. If I don't it wrinkles up and gets really uncomfortable. With it pulled down like that, it feels much better. Hardly notice it, except it's not very flexible. So, I really notice it while picking up things, going to sit, going up stairs, and such. I look much better in the mirror with it. Shirts sit different, too. I've noticed that I burp a lot with it on, too. Not sure what that's about. I plan to look for a new primary soon. Partly because I want to start Kaiser Permanente's Gender Health Program. Just glanced at their site on it, and apparently if I call their gender specialists, they can connect me with a primary that's been trained in gender-related health care. Not sure if they'd have anybody like that near me. I can't stand my current one. She hasn't asked me to come in for a wellness visit, and it's been roughly 1 1/2 years since I last saw her. It's supposed to be once a year, considering all the health stuff I've had. The last time I saw her she gave me a lecture when I brought up trying another GI. I wanted one with an MD. I had only one with an MD. The next one was a nurse, and the last one a physician's assistant. They can't do much. The PA even told me her hands were tied and couldn't help. She also keeps telling me how smart I am. I don't go there to be praised, and when it's all the time, it ain't flattering. I have a feeling if I told her I was trans, she'd think I was influenced by Dad, seeking attention, or something. The new one would know I was trans from the start. I feel I need to come out in order to talk about this stuff with them. If I get someone trained in gender issues, that'd be best. Recently, I decided to try and friend more people on fb. I only friend or accept requests from people I know in some way. I haven't met all of them in person. Some are from forums I was active on years ago. Most of the new ones I knew for a while, but thought they wouldn't accept it. I should have just friended them in the past without caring about that. Considering not accepting it is the worst that will come of it. I think I got 10 new friends on there in the last week or so. One was someone from an ace group on there who friended me. That was cool. I don't usually think too much about friending people from groups on there. Maybe I should. There are some cool people in all the groups I'm in. Finished watching The Method on Netflix. It was really raw. More so than many detective shows. I liked it but didn't at the same time. Went back to watching The Sniffer after that. It's another detective series. Interestingly, it's Ukrainian, set in an unknown Russian city, and filmed in Ukraine. It's a much better show. The main character doesn't want to kill anyone. The one from The Method kills without thinking, and calls it mercy afterwards. The one in The Sniffer is a bit of a germophobe for a good reason. He has a super sensitive nose, and it can get to be too much if there are too many smells around him. He keeps his apartment extremely clean so he's not overwhelmed. He tells people to wear special suits when they visit him. He also has his own elevator and parking garage. Same reason behind wearing gloves and not shaking hands. He's officially a partner as an 'expert' to the detective now. The detective reminds me of an actor from NCIS: LA. Both characters have great chemistry and their humor is on point. I just hate the 'sniffer's' ex-wife. She always seems to have a bee up her bonnet. She treats their son like crap, too. Turns out she might be addicted to prescription drugs, so that might be why. Dropped Asobi Asobase. It was hilarious until there was a transphobic segment. I thought it'd turn out different. The girls were suspecting her to be a boy that hid 'himself' in order to get into an all-girls' school. This was after one of the characters saw her dumping a boy. The boy did say he didn't care if she were trans, and that he still loved her. That was a plus, at least. The girls really wanted to ask if she was a 'boy', but were terrified. She messed with them a little. (That part's kind of understandable.) She's considered one of the most popular girls. After being questioned, they made her appear normal. I thought that was great. They never revealed that she was trans, either. The true issue I had was about a second later the narrator cut in, and said that one of the girls (Hanako?) instinctively knew the truth and something was wrong. She made it seem like she was a wolf in sheep's clothing or something. It was very negative and perpetuated the idea that, in particular, trans girls/women are out to trick people. Not cool. I won't sit through more of that. I haven't come across many anime that were so blatant about it. Apparently, a remake of Fruits Basket's coming out in 2019. I usually get notified of anime that I'm interested in about to be aired, and news on anime I've seen from MyAnimeList. The news was all over the Japanese/Asian pages I follow on fb, too. Ones that aren't anime based. It was one of the first shows that got me hooked. Not long before that I thought anime was just for little kids. I was so wrong...My roommate and floormates at one of the dorms in college introduced me to it. Yes, that entire floor was into anime...It was scary at first. They were far more into it than I ever was. It's one of the best shoujo series out there. I don't normally like shoujo. The anime was great, but the manga was 100 times better. It was one of the first manga I read. The manga ran from 1998 until 2006. (Longer than I thought...) The anime aired in 2001. So, they were only working off of 3 of the 8 years for the adaptation. Many fans hated the ending. The mangaka (creator) had issues with how things were done. With this new version, they plan to adapt it in its entirety. They plan to have totally different voice actors, director, production, etc. I have to admit, I liked the English dubbed version more than the Japanese version. That's rare for me. It seems like they'll have better ones this time. The mangaka is overseeing everything, too. The art is getting an upgrade. The mangaka said that she was very sick when she made Fruits Basket, so according to her, her art was shaky and not up to par. I don't know about that...It was a bit different compared to the anime, though. Should be interesting to see the new art. So far there are only 2 promo posters, and I can't really get a 'feel' from them. I didn't think they'd remake it, and certainly not 18 years later. Sent a DNA sample to AncestryDNA. It was spit-based, and I was surprised at how much they wanted. It was gross 'collecting' it. I'll get to see where all of my family came from. Dad did it a few months ago. Should be interesting. It'll take 6-8 weeks.
