5th Night of Hanukkah

 It's the 5th night of Hanukkah. It's an 8-day long holiday. The last day is on January 2nd. 

Went to Central Market, Safeway, and Petsmart last Sunday. Rosie needed more food and treats. Her treats basically clean her teeth. I got salmon flavor this time. She loves them. She’ll even jump off my bed to get them.

Safeway apparently doesn’t have a Hanukkah section this year. It could be because of how late the holiday is. It’s the same day on the Jewish calendar (25th of Kislev), but it doesn’t match up with the regular calendar. I think the Jewish calendar added a month this year, so it could be because of that. There was a section at Central. They had a lot of gelt (chocolate coins). I got a couple of the bigger bags of gelt the week before. This time I also got Hanukkah candles. They were expensive. One box was like $20. I got a $14 box of them. It has blue and white candles. Nice to have more than one color. It has enough for the holiday plus one more. Maybe that’s just in case? A little weird. I also got Hanukkah cookies. They have a blue Star of David on each of them and are shortbread cookies. I think they have clear sprinkles. Cute for the holiday.   

Rosie’s new litter box came. Another package from Chewy came before that. Don’t know what’s in that one. The litter box is big. I just hope I can still get to the toilet and sink in there.

I’ve been taking care of the puppy pads a few times a day. She’s been using them instead of the litter box to pee most of the time. Although, there have been a few times where she used the box for it! She pooped a couple of times in it too. I think we need to get more pads.

We did our traditional Chinese buffet dinner on Christmas Eve. It’s a tradition among American Jews to have Chinese food on Christmas. (Either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.) It was a bit crowded. In fact, I thought I tripped over someone, but no one was there. They had some good stuff. 

The first night of Hanukkah was on December 25th. I’ve been lighting the candles. These candles seem ‘taller’ than the ones I’m used to. So, they last a little longer. We listened to some klezmer while we ate dinner the 1st night. I had a broccoli cheddar bake. One of my fave frozen meals, but it’s not fried… People eat cheese/dairy products during the holiday, too. (Just not as well-known.) At least I covered that. We had Hanukkah cookies and gelt for dessert. That’s kind of close to feeling like the holiday. We might look for sufganiyot (jelly-filled donuts).

I had my bed bath last Thursday. Ran out of wipes, so it was a good thing that I bought more. At some point I hope to use my shampoo again. The no rinse stuff seems like it’s still somewhat good for my hair. I don’t think I got the bed wet. I’ve been pretty good about that lately. Had to use the antifungal cream, since I’ve felt itchy. It burns in those areas with that stuff. I don’t put on as much as my home aide did. That was overkill. I’ve been putting on lotion. My skin feels better with it. I put some of it under my eyelids. For some reason that area has gotten dry and rough. The lotion helps a bit.

I had to make an appointment to see my primary care doctor. Apparently she needs to go over my pain meds. Maybe she can help with my pain more. I feel like they ignored my pain with palliative care towards the end. So, I have a CT scan coming up, an oncology appointment (with someone I don’t know), and the primary care doctor one. January sounds a little busy.

I might ask my primary care doctor about getting a new (well new to me. It’ll probably be gently used) hospital bed. I’m hoping to put it in my room upstairs. Hopefully they can take my current bed up there down to the garage or something, and take my old hospital bed. The current hospital bed slumps to one side. It feels crooked. The remote’s buttons have worn down so much it doesn’t have the illustrations anymore. It’ll be nice to be in my own room again. It’ll be nice if all the buttons work on the remote, too. The only ones that work on my current one are for the head and leg part, not the whole thing.

Went to Central today. I found another Hanukkah thing. A bag of 2 different types of chocolate truffles. It says Happy Hanukkah on it. My parent found a premade meatloaf. Just had to add ketchup and cook it. Didn’t have pork in it, even though the one they make for the meals does have it. We had it for dinner, along with pearled pesto couscous and a green cauliflower. The cauliflower was butter-poached. It tasted like cauliflower, but looked like broccoli. It was a bit weird. The meatloaf was good, except I noticed it was really salty in parts of it. The couscous was great. We also got chocolate coffee cups with mousse for dessert. We’ll have that later. 

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19th of Kislev

Managed to go to the bank on Tuesday. I was taken off the shared account. That took a little while. Then, I asked for a printout of a bank statement. That statement will show my royalties I finally recently got. I added my social security number to them. (Wrote it in pencil below my name, in case I made a mistake and needed to correct it. Hope that's good enough.) I also was going to highlight the royalty payments, but then I thought it won’t matter. They’re easy to see. They gave me kind of a small envelope. I managed to stuff all those papers in. The bank also had a menorah in the back. Nice to see something Hanukkah related. I didn’t put my number on it and send it that day, because it was raining, and I didn’t want it to get ruined. I put it in the mailbox yesterday. It was a bit thick, but it made it in. Now I can start thinking about other things. I’ve been so worried about this, and I hope they respond quickly. I did what they told me to do. Hopefully it’s all correct. In the letter they were asking for why I was getting royalties, but I told the interviewer about that. She didn’t highlight it either. She just wrote royalties on the envelope. I’m a bit worried if I did enough for it. Maybe they’ll tell me by calling me. Again, I just need to relax and think about other things until I hear from them.

After going to the bank we (my parent and I) went to Central Market (or Town & Country now) for dinner/dessert stuff. My parent was getting ingredients for her scallop and parsnip puree dish, which was from a French recipe. It looked good and fancy. Although, I hate parsnips and can’t have shellfish. I got a turkey dinner. It had roasted turkey, brussels sprouts, a little stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce. It was pretty good. I didn’t melt the plastic of the gravy container this time as I heated it up. Yay! I wanted to try something from their new bakery area. A lot of it looks pretty or over-the-top. I got the fudge Boston mini. It looked good. It fell apart as I ate it. It was like a parfait. It had cake, custard, fudge, chocolate frosting, and little hollow balls that were like sprinkles. It was so rich tasting, I couldn’t eat the whole thing.

I noticed something on the ground Tuesday night. I didn’t have my contacts in, so I couldn’t really see what it was. I thought it was a big dead rat. In the morning, after putting my contacts in, I looked at it again. It was just one of Rosie’s mouse toys. It scared me. Good that it means she played with it, though. Despite getting a new type of litter box, she’s still peeing and pooping outside it. We both think maybe she just needs a bigger one. Her hips/legs felt good enough to jump on my bed last night and during the day today. Her blood tests came back, and her diabetes seems to be under control. The only thing seems to be that she's very dehydrated. We plan to change her water bowl to a fountain-like one. She might like it more if it's moving, I think. She does drink a lot. Maybe it's just not being absorbed. 

Duolingo was going through maintenance as I did my lessons today. It was a bit glitchy. I missed 3 sentences. I think I was still correct, and maybe they marked me down because of the maintenance. I think I did 3 lessons. They made me redo one story. I’m now 10th in the league.

Got this month’s Treats and it’s on Poland. The recipe is for Polish paczki, which are like donuts. There are some ‘new’ snacks. There’s a sesame candy/snap that was good. Had the Delfina chocolate bar today. It had alcohol in it. Didn’t expect that.

This will probably be my last Treats box. I’ve been getting it for about 3 years. Amazon will stop their subscription for it at the end of this month. I feel like it’s time to try something new anyways. I’m thinking of getting Universal Yums. Specifically their Yum Yum box. It seems like they cover more countries, and I think you get more in depth info on the country and its snacks. You pick a country to start with, then they choose the next one. It’s a surprise each time like Treats is. I’m not sure what I’ll pick. They also have you fill out a quiz on what flavors you like and such. It might be more customizable that way.

Had a hard time sleeping last night. Something made me feel upset enough to cry. Then, Rosie decided to sleep on the bed and a little on me. She was there for a good chunk of the night. She normally gets off at like 12:30am. I decided to raise the leg part, which I like. She doesn’t. After a while of this, she finally made like she was getting off, so I lowered it for her. She finally got down. That was like at 4am. I had a hard time the rest of the night too.

Did my bed bath today. Didn’t get any water on the bed again. I think I did a better job with my hair. I haven’t been using my shampoo for a little while, and instead use the rinse-free soap stuff. My home aide used it on my hair occasionally too. It’s easier to work in, and if I miss a spot, it’s ok. Different with my shampoo.

Went to Olive Garden tonight for dinner. I got their chicken and gnocchi soup, which had more gnocchi than last time. Then, I got a 6 oz sirloin that had fettuccine Alfredo on the side. The steak supposedly had a garlic herb butter, but I think that fell off and went into the pasta instead. It was all pretty good. Took half of it home. Not sure how good it’ll be the next day. I’ll see.

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16th of Kislev

Rosie had a vet appointment this morning. It was too early for me to go. She apparently is a pound lighter than last time. That could be a good thing, since she was a little overweight. She has severe arthritis in her legs and hips. They think a different type of litter box would help her with that. One that’s more open on one side so she can just walk in. I think one of the sides will have to be up higher to catch when she pees. She’s getting gabapentin for the pain. She was very dehydrated. So, they gave her fluids through an iv. She came back with a hump on her back full of the fluid. Despite having so much fluid already, she came back and started drinking more right away. They’re going to run some blood tests. I think my parent said they might know the results by tomorrow. They want my parent to get a stool sample, too. I hope all this helps her.

Had my bed bath today. I timed it this time. It was 20 minutes with just the ‘bath’ part and getting dressed. 10 more minutes to put everything away. When my home aide was here she didn’t clean me as thoroughly. It was a little less than 15 minutes with her, and that’s not counting the time it took to put things away. I think what I did today was really good. Faster than I thought it would be. Good for someone who has to use a brush for a lot of it (and sock aid). There were no wet spots or cool areas this time on my bed either. Yay!

Managed to go to both markets (Central and Safeway), plus CVS, yesterday. Had to go to CVS for 2 things. 1 I can only find there, but the other can be at Safeway too. I found that 1 thing that I can only find there. However, the 2nd thing they were completely out of. It surprised me. Found it at Safeway, but it was odd.

I also wanted to see if both markets had Hanukkah sections up yet. Central did have it, but the candles were super expensive. I got 2 bags of gelt (chocolate coins). There were a lot to a bag. Safeway didn’t have their Hanukkah stuff up yet. They usually have cheaper candles. Usually the box only has enough for the holiday, so you have to get a new box every year. Maybe I need to wait a little longer. The holiday is a bit late this year.

I had Central’s smoked turkey and dill havarti sandwich for dinner last night. It’s a little weird that they add butter to it. I always have to heat it up, so I don’t deal with patches of cold butter. It was good. Had cherry crunch pie from them for dessert. It was pretty tasty. I had Safeway’s blackened chicken with mushroom sauce, mashed potatoes, and broccoli for dinner tonight. There wasn’t very much chicken, small amount of broccoli, and ok amount of mashed potatoes. I had their Chantilly cake with berries for dessert. I had it right after dinner. Usually the prepared meals from the markets are so big, I end up having dessert as my last snack instead. I really like their Biscoff cookie butter cake, but it wasn’t there. That one’s a new fave. The cake I got is usually really good, but it’s quite different compared to that other one.

I also got deli meat from Central. It’s their honey roasted turkey. It reminds me a bit of what ham tasted like in the past. (It’s been a very long time since I took pork products out of my diet.) It’s really good. Got more Colby Jack cheese to go with it. I realized the previous deli meat I got went bad really quickly. Hopefully this one will be better.

I also got 3 of my faves from Amy’s frozen meals. Their cheddar broccoli bake, chili mac, and pesto tortellini. The chili mac reminds me of my mom’s chili mac. Haven’t had hers in a long time, but this one seems special that way. I think Saturday night I did try a different frozen meal. It was Stouffer’s beef and macaroni. Seemed like they would have cheese with it, but they didn’t. I added some parmesan. It tasted like a stuffed pepper, only with macaroni instead of rice. Very interesting, and I might have it again in the future. It was pretty good on calories. Should have checked the sodium, but I forgot. It’s ok if it was a little high. It looked like it was a good amount to me. Very filling too.

I dropped Vanitas no Carte recently. It was getting too sexual for me. The way they depict when the vampires drink blood is over the top. It was kind of disgusting. The story was interesting, but I just couldn’t get past that. It was very artsy too.

I got back to watching Jujutsu Kaisen, Boku no (My) Hero Academia 5, Mairimashita! (Welcome to Demon School!) Iruma-kun 2, Dr. Stone 2: Stone Wars, and Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken (That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime) 2. All of them have been great! The only ones I haven’t gotten back to are Kumo Desu ga, Nani ka? (So I’m a Spider, So What?) and Hataraku Saibou (Cells at Work) 2. Just haven’t been able to get back to them yet. I found out some of them are on Netflix, which is great. I’m luckily caught up with One Piece. Apparently it’s on hiatus until April.

I've been continuing to do my long walks inside like I mentioned last time. It's a 30-minute walk. I still think this is the best way to do it right now, since I'm not used to how long it is outside. I did about 110 rounds today of the loop I do at home. That's a lot. I feel tired afterwards each time. I think once I really get used to it, I might try to do an outside walk. When I do, I probably should do it earlier in the day. I don't like doing it in the dark.

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15th of Tevet

It's been a long time since my last post. Probably the longest gap in posts. I hope to get back into it. Although, it won't be the same. Interesting using this computer again. 

My last scans were in October. Everything came back fine. No progression, and if I remember correctly, they didn't even see the lung nodule from before. My next ones (CT and full bone) will be next month. I had to call and make an appointment with the infusion center there in order to get the IV in through ultrasound. It seems to be the only way to get it in. They always have a hard time even with that. I'm nervous that they'll find something this time on my CT scan. Had a nightmare where they said the cancer had spread to my liver and lungs. Also, with the full bone scan, that it had progressed. It hasn't progressed in a while. In the dream I had to switch to a chemo that was through an IV. I had to sit there for about 6 hours until it was done. I had weird side effects, too. 

Had an appointment with my primary care doctor in October. Hadn't seen her in-person in about 2 years. The main focus was on recertifying me for insurances through my parent. I'm on her plan as a dependent. They have paperwork for a doctor to fill out. I was nervous, but around the end of December, I got a letter saying I was approved. So, I still get health, dental, and vision through it. The new plan for coverage started this month. The only downside is now there's a copay for all my meds and things. We had met the deductible or something, so we didn't have a copay for a while. I'll probably meet it up again quickly. It's nice they have a special card that covers medical expenses. Although, it's sometimes weird what it considers as medical. It's handy. 

We also talked about my urine incontinence. I know, gross, but it's something I have to live with at the moment. I'll get the urge, and then not have much time to get to a bathroom. It's embarrassing. She suggested that I get pads. I'm still trying them out. Not sure which absorbency is best. I think it feels more 'normal' to try the pads rather than the underwear. Those would feel more like diapers. Not good. She also said I should try going to the bathroom on a schedule. So, I've been trying to do it either before or after meals. It's a little better that way, but I have to remember. 

I also brought up my painful toes/feet. She said I had toenail fungus on every toe except one. It's bad in both my big toes. She tried to clip my toenails for me. She didn't even want to touch my big toes. The toenails are looking pretty gnarly now. My toes hurt a lot as well as the middle of my feet. So much so, it hurts to walk. Feels like I'm walking on hard pointy rocks. I'm walking even less now because of it. My primary sent a referral to see a podiatrist, and I've already made an appointment. That will be the end of this month. Hopefully, they can help me. 

I've been having issues with recurring uti's. The last one was just a couple of weeks ago. I also had one that was in between that and my primary appointment in October. They seem to be happening more often. I went to Urgent Care, like usual, for it. This time they were a lot more thorough. They were surprised about how dehydrated I was. They put an IV in me, after a few tries, and ran fluids and antibiotics through it. They did a lot of blood tests. One of them being for lactate. They had to get it without a tourniquet. It can indicate sepsis. I was high the first time, so they had to do it again. The second time they had to do it on my chest near my left shoulder. That was weird. No other spot was working, though. That ended up even higher. They wanted to do it again because of that. It was just too much, and it was starting to snow a lot. We had to leave. They let me go with a pill-form of antibiotics, and a promise that I'll talk to my primary about it. I don't think I actually had sepsis. I didn't have a fever for one thing.

I had a phone appointment with my primary after that. She suggested some things to help. I thought there were 2 things that I could easily do. That being cranberry and d-mannose supplements. One is supposed to make it harder for bacteria to stick, and one makes it more acidic. Both said helps with cleaning the area. So I got them both. They're huge pills. I had to split the doses up. They wanted me to take 2 capsules of the cranberry and 4 capsules of the d-mannose. I'm doing 1 cranberry and 2 d-mannose twice a day. The d-mannose pills smell really bad. I didn't know they'd also have calories. It's also interesting that they're both put out by Azo. I didn't know they did other meds. So far so good. I don't think I've had another uti. Maybe this is all I need. Although, I have a lot of pills now. I could make meals out of them.

My meds and pain of walking have made me gain quite a bit of weight. It's frustrating. Recently, I decided to go back to the way I used to eat, and doing sit-ups at least. I think I've lost a little bit in the last couple of weeks because of that. The way I used to eat meaning only having 1200-1600 calories during the week, and pretty much whatever I want during the weekend (and holidays). I try to eat 5 meals a day, and want them roughly even. So, 240-320 calories each. I tend to eat less with snacks, and more with meals like dinner. It's a little difficult. It was a bit eye-opening with some things. Plus, I have to be careful with things like bananas that tend to be calorie-packed. I'm up to 10 sit-ups twice a day. Might keep that up for a while, and then do 15 twice a day. I do them a little after I wake up (after going to the bathroom and having breakfast), and when I get into bed just before trying to sleep. I did around similar times the last time I was into it. It's been a while. I also want to get back into walking, but it hurts so much. Maybe with the podiatrist's help I can do it. I want to start off with small walks, and then work my way up to the 2-mile ones I was doing before. At least 2 of those a day would be great. I might get an Apple Watch soon, and that can help a lot with this health stuff. I want to feel better and healthier. 

We've also been into eating out at restaurants lately. I can still do that with the way I want to eat, and probably would be best to do it during the weekends. I'll most likely have more leftovers, but that's ok. We've tried a lot of new ones. Some have been great, others just ok. It's another thing for me to look forward to. (We've also been going to restaurants we haven't been to in a long time.) Oh, Elmer's isn't around anymore. A Denny's moved in. I'm still not used to it. I miss Elmer's. One of the server's from Elmer's is now with Maynard's, a restaurant we tried not too long ago. It was interesting catching up with him. I was surprised he was there. It was ok there. The last 'new' restaurant, or at least new to us, we went to was a Mongolian BBQ place. It wasn't outstanding or anything. I thought it was good. I had the chicken dumplings, which were apparently pot stickers. I got their honey walnut chicken. That was sweet, savory, and smooth. Had little candied walnuts. 

I'm still using Duolingo. I'm studying Spanish through it. It seems so much easier than I expected when I started. I don't particularly like Duolingo's new layout. I don't even think they're sure of it yet. Things keep changing. I liked the way it was before. I've been keeping up with my streak since I did Yiddish. It's like 640 days now. I only forgot about it on New Year's Eve, and they used one of my freeze streaks to keep it going. First time really using that. I think I have like 3 of them. I think that's the max number you can have at once. I try to do 4 lessons, and usually get 100% on it. It's only when it's questionable or unclear when I get them wrong. I've flagged quite a few sentences during this course, because of that. 

I've gotten back into reading as well. You can see how many I finished recently on the side of the blog. Everything from Shadow of the Lions by Christopher Swann up is what I've read since December of 2021. Close to a year ago. That's 16 books. I thought that was pretty good for someone who hasn't been into reading in a long time. 

I'm trying to get back into anime. I started that back up again only a couple of days ago. Before that, it's been since November 2021. Roughly the same time as my last post on here. I'm so far behind. There are so many interesting looking shows that came out in the meantime. I'm not sure how long I can keep up getting back into watching anime now. As it is I might not watch it today. I managed to watch the 1000th episode of One Piece yesterday, I think. I can't believe it's over 1000 episodes now. It'll probably go on forever. 

I've been a lot more into Netflix shows. I've watched a lot, and it's another thing for me to look forward to. I finished 1899 recently. That was interesting. It felt like they were trying to do more with it than they had. Some of it was predictable, but there were a lot of twists. I'm not sure what they'll do with it if there's a 2nd season. I'm currently watching Devil in Ohio. It's just been ok. It has an actress that I like, and am glad she's in something different. I don't remember her first name, but she played the main actress in Bones. She seems more flexible and 'normal' in this. I don't exactly know where this show is going, but it's interesting at least. I'm looking more forward to Wednesday. I liked the Addams Family. Wednesday, Morticia, and Gomez were my fave characters. One on Wednesday seems right up my alley, then.

We've recently been into getting lottery tickets. We've been getting them usually once a week. It's now up to $1.1 billion. I can't imagine even having half of that amount. I've worked out the annuity for some of them, just for fun. (First year would be just over $8 million.) I think if we did win, I'd get half and go for the annuity option. I'll probably not live very long, but I'd still get a huge chunk of money every year. I could pass it on to someone after I die. I don't know who that would be. There's a lot of things I'd be able to do with that amount of money. I could donate a lot, get rid of my student loan debt, get my own nice and cozy house in Seattle, have even better health insurance, and more. 

I wanted to go to a Hanukkah party this year. They were going to have public lighting at a local mall, and then have a party at their synagogue. I hadn't seen people from that congregation in a long time. Plus, their spiritual leader (not quite a rabbi yet) got in touch with me, and wanted me to meet another ace Jew. He was new to their congregation and was feeling really isolated. The 'rabbi' started an email with both of us and introduced us to each other. I responded, but he never did. Anyways, I had another reason to go. The weather was crazy that week. The day they were supposed to have it, there was a lot of snow and ice on top of the snow. Thick ice. Not something we see in this region often. So dangerous, they were telling people not to go outside on the roads unless it was an emergency. They cancelled the party at the synagogue, and thought the roads would still be ok enough for the public lighting. I don't how the lighting was. I wished they just pushed the party to like the last day of Hanukkah. The snow and ice were practically gone by then. They were going to have latkes, donuts, singing, and bags of goodies. I don't know what the bags of goodies would have had, but I'm sure it would have been fun. We didn't have latkes this year. Didn't even have donuts for that matter. I didn't feel very well, and only lit the candles for a few nights off and on. I know it's not a big holiday, but it didn't feel like the usual year for it. I did have some fried things at least. 

It was just my parent and I for our New Year Eve celebration. We used to go to a couple's (friends of the family) place for it. Along with other holiday dinners throughout the year. Ever since Covid hit, they stopped having those dinners. It's felt weird with just us. At least with NYE, we can have whatever snacks we want for it. I got Ruffles chips with French onion dip, pickled herring with Breton crackers, and chocolate covered cherries. I think those are pretty good for NYE. Oh, and of course we got sparkling apple cider. That's like my champagne. I can't have alcohol. At least it's something bubbly. We watched the fireworks at the Space Needle on TV. Before that, it was NYE shows from around the world/country. The fireworks didn't seem that impressive this time. The drones were interesting, but also distracting. 

5th of Kislev

This is my wallpaper for December. It's Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji or Black Butler. Seemed good for this month since there's snow, and kind of fits my mood during it. I like Hanukkah a lot, but the Christmas stuff out there, no matter where you go 24/7, gets to be much. It's in your face and on blast. If you don't celebrate that holiday, it gets aggravating after a while. I'm happy when retail people or waiters say things like happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas. It's more inclusive and doesn't throw a holiday that you don't celebrate on you. There's a holiday for pretty much everyone this time of year. Including New Year's Eve. I have no problem with friends celebrating it. In fact, I hope it's a great one, and that they knock themselves out with decorating and such. It's the public things that get me the most. (At malls, cafes, other stores, public schools, 'Santa' riding a fire engine through the neighborhood, whole downtown area decorated with Christmas stuff, etc.) Also, Hanukkah is not the Jewish Christmas. We don't have a holiday like that. Hanukkah is a minor holiday, also referred to as the Festival of Lights. It just so happens to fall around Christmas this year. 

The month-long holidays for December are: National Pear Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. Not much this time. I love pears, though. 

My Jewish calendar features 2 menorahs this time. I should say technically hanukiyah, which is the specific menorah used for the holiday. Menorah just means lamp. The one for Hanukkah has 8 branches and one holder for the shamash (helper or leader) candle. Usually the one for the shamash is raised up more than the others and/or is in the middle. A regular one has 6 branches and one holder. So, there is a difference. Each night for Hanukkah we light the shammash and another candle with it. They're really beautiful by the last night. Since my mom used to work for a Judaica shop, she collected a lot of them. Some were free, and some she bought discounted from the shop. Free if they had some minor flaw, like some branches were slightly bent. She and I would sometimes light a bunch of them on top of the piano. It was glorious seeing them all lit up, although it was pretty dangerous, too. When I do it myself now, I usually use one. Sometimes 2 on the last night. I have so many different ones that I inherited from her. I've been using a more traditional one the last few years, but it only uses Shabbos candles, not the slimmer Hanukkah ones. A couple of the branches are bent, too. It's quirky, yet impressive. People can see it more from the outside than the others. We're supposed to have it be seen, so it works. Anyways, one of the ones on the calendar is made out of copper from 1900. The other's iron from 1935. They don't say where they're from, unlike many of the other artifacts in previous months. However, the museum is in Amsterdam. They might have come from there. Interesting to see such old ones. 

The elements calendar features tin this time. They talk about how tin soldiers were almost never made of pure tin. Tin-lead alloys were usually used. Many things called tin don't actually have tin in them, and it's come to mean any sort of thin sheet metal. They show a tin soldier that is 99.99% pure tin. There's a gray tin allotrope growing on a piece of metallic tin. A piece of the mineral cassiterite (tin oxide) from Bolivia. Lead-free solder, which is mostly tin. And, finally ingots of pure tin. Interesting. 

Went to a family friends' place for Thanksgiving. We usually go there. This time it was my parent and I, the 2 hosts, and a work friend of the hostess. I was told there would be 6 of us, so that surprised me. They usually have a sizable crowd for their holiday dinners/parties. (They also host parties for New Year's Eve, sometimes Hanukkah, and a seder during Passover.) For the last couple of years, it's been noticeably smaller. Anyways, I've met their friend before at previous dinners. She's pretty nice and open-minded. They only have one dog left. The other passed away not that long ago. I miss that one, too. They were both big and really friendly. I couldn't eat the green salad we brought, since I'm trying to stay away from pain as much as possible. (Roughage like things scratch up against the scars in my colon. Fun fun.) We also brought a berry/grape salad. Didn't add anything to it, since I'm not familiar with fruit salads. My parent wanted to add whipped cream, which is apparently a thing. I just think fruit is usually good by itself. Like nature's candy. I technically wasn't supposed to eat the berries because of the seeds. I did anyways...The host smoked the turkey, like usual. There was gravy, homemade stuffing (a bowl of it without chestnuts for me), salmon for the person who doesn't eat turkey, cranberry relish (I don't like it, so they usually have the canned jelled stuff for me), cookies, and pumpkin pie. They forgot about a cooked green vegetable, which I probably could have eaten in place of the salad. We played a game of Trivial Pursuit, which is like a tradition there. It used to be very binary with the men against the women. Acknowledging me, and realizing it wasn't the best thing to do anyways, they stopped splitting us up like that. This time it was the 'away team' vs the 'home team'. 3 against 2 isn't bad. If it was with genders in general, I would be by myself and probably wouldn't have gotten very far. (The host would have been too, but he's relatively good at it.) We were in the lead for a while, but the 'home team' won. Sadness. The only thing that I didn't care for was when the hostess was talking shop with her friend for long periods of time. (They both work for OC or Olympic College.) They wanted to share and explain what they went through and such, too. At first it was interesting, then I started to get sleepy. After a while, I kept catching myself before falling asleep. If that was the only down part, that's pretty good. 

Sunday was the start of Crohn's & Colitis Awareness Week. The only things I've done for it are added a frame to my fb profile pic, filled out an infographic on my experience, and shared both to Instagram as well. I've talked about my experience often on here. One thing that's surprised me is that you can still suffer symptoms while in remission. It really depends on how much damage it caused before going into remission. People tend to think in order to be in remission, you must not have related symptoms. Also, there's a high possibility of getting another autoimmune disease eventually with it. I apparently have another one, but they (doctors) don't know what it is yet. So, that's a fun thing, too. There isn't a cure for colitis. This can be hard for many patients to come to terms with. They'll have to deal with it for the rest of their lives. While in remission, it doesn't actually stop. The disease has just gone down to an unnoticeable crawl. 

Finished watching The Truth Seekers. It's a Singaporean private detective drama. They solve cold cases. I liked it a lot. I didn't care for the added tension towards the end. Plus, the love triangle thing...The characters were likable and felt like family. They left it wide open for another season. I'd so watch it if there is one in the future. 

Started watching the 2nd season of High Seas recently. It's a Spanish mystery series set in the 40s on a luxury cruise ship. The cinematography's great, they have elegant costumes that would have been popular at the time, and a lot of aspects are accurate to the way things would have been. The acting is occasionally over-the-top. Very interesting story and kind of cool that most of it is from the perspective of 2 sisters. This season seems a little weird. Ghosts might be involved this time, although it might all be an act by someone they rescued recently. That someone is apparently lesbian or bi. Not sure if that's good representation, considering she could be stealing and a fraud posing as a medium. She kissed one of the sisters that believes her. As far as they've shown, the sister is straight, and recently got married to the owner of the ship. She could be bi...She seemed to like it. They were hinting that she'd do something like that with how touchy-feely she was with her. This season isn't long, and I'm already halfway through it. It'd be interesting to see how it goes. The 1st season was mainly about mysterious murders and the sisters' long-thought dead father. I wasn't sure there would be another season with how the last one ended, so it's been a pleasant surprise.

I finished Duolingo's Dutch course. I was thinking about going back to modern Hebrew next, but their course for it is awful. I can't seem to find any good apps for it, either. I thought about Yiddish, but that's hardly available anywhere. Although, I did read that Duolingo is creating a course for it and might be out in a few months. Started Duolingo's Scottish Gaelic course today. It's really new. Newer than I thought. Came out a week ago. There hasn't been any speaking lessons yet, but I'm at the very basic stuff. Some of the other languages didn't have those until a few more units in. They have a lot of different native speakers, which is good to get more of a feel to how it sounds. I knew the language was a little odd, but really looking at it brings that to light more. It's another language that my ancestors spoke, so I thought it would be good to learn that way. Not many people speak it anymore. There is an effort to change that, though. The course looks short, but maybe they're only showing me some of it, then once I get to the last checkpoint shown there will be more. If not, I still feel lucky to get a taste of it. 

Finished editing Alliance: Dawn. Started editing Sweet Endless Terror. It's 12 short stories based on my nightmares. Went through the 1st story: The Head. It's the shortest one. 5 pages of the ebook and 8 pages of the print. I also didn't remember how short the ebook was. It's only 94 pages. The print is 255 pages. I formatted the print to be for a small book, so it makes sense. The difference is weird, though. Especially seeing them side by side. 

Finished fixing the drawing of Junko's lines. In Photoshop, I added color to her skin, eye (she's winking, so only one is open), hair, shoes, and ears. They're not exactly the colors I had in mind, but they're not bad looking. I don't know much about color codes in Photoshop, but I'm looking them up as I go. I'll color in her skirt, socks, and shirt next. Then, I'll mess with shading. I have to remember to go a little darker with that than I did with Shadow. 

4th of Tevet

Hanukkah started the night of the 2nd and ended on the 10th. I used one of the biggest menorahs that we had. We have quite a collection. This one was free, since my mom worked at a Judaica shop, parts of it are bent, and it leans to one side. They couldn't sell it like that. It's hard to light towards the end, because some of the cups bend inwards toward the shamesh. The shamesh candle/cup rests above the others. You're supposed to light the others with that candle. Made it difficult to put it back in its cup. It only uses Shabbos candles, which are thicker and bigger than the Hanukkah ones. It makes quite a statement. I think people can see this one the best from outside, and we're supposed to be public about it. 

Found frozen latkes from Trader Joe's and had them on the 1st night. They also had huge bags of gelt. Gelt are chocolate coins. A long time ago it used to be real coins that students would give to teachers as a way to honor them. Anyways, their bags were much bigger than our local market's. World Market had even bigger ones with more of a variety. Had sufganiyot (jelly donuts) on the 1st and 6th (I think) night. So, I did get to enjoy some good Hanukkah food.

This is my wallpaper for December. It's Bakugo from Boku no (My) Hero Academia. Thought it was perfect for this time of year. I like the warm glow. Since I have my taskbar and start menu set to picking colors from the background, it changed to warm crimson with slightly different shades of warm orange highlights. Makes it pretty when put together. I found a lot of new wallpapers, including this one, yesterday. I wanted more of a variety (based on more shows), and most of the ones from before are in black and white. I wanted more color. 

There's only one interesting month-long holiday for December: National Pear Month. I love pears! However, now I can only have them peeled, chopped up, and cooked. They're too tough on my system otherwise. 

It's been a while since my last post. Hopefully, I can get back to posting more regularly. It's great that I've already posted more this year than the past few years on here. I've been sick off and on, which is partially why it's been a while. (I don't feel motivated to do much when I'm sick.)

I finally made an appointment to see my primary next Monday. I don't think I'm going to come out to her as agender, because it'll most likely be the last time I see her, and don't really want to deal with her much. I have to see her in order to get refills for lamotrigine. She tells me that she can't refill it unless I see her once a year about it. My previous doctors said differently, but maybe the system has changed. She might think my parent influenced me or the meds affected me, if I come out to her. I've also been in a lot of pain and more symptoms (related to colitis) have popped up. Last time I talked to her, she seemed utterly fed up and frustrated with my case. I'm sorry I have so much to deal with...She'll most likely run blood tests to see how lamotrigine is affecting my liver (I think, either that or kidneys) and a general panel. I can see how things are in general without mentioning any of the health issues I've been having that way. 

I'm thinking of calling the Gender Health Program number soon. I wanted to have my primary appointment first. I might email my parent's previous case worker on it, too. Just to ask her questions about it before I take the plunge. 

When I do finally start it, I'm going to first want to see a new primary. One that's been trained with gender issues. They can set me up with one. I also want that new primary to refer me to gastroenterology again to get a new GI. One with an MD. My current one actually told me that she's not equipped to deal with my case. Her hands are tied. (She's a PA.) I've only had one GI with an MD. That's not much. I also want to see a gender therapist. Apparently, my insurance's program will cover pretty much everything. I was surprised that they'd cover electrolysis. It's expensive otherwise. It's a big possibility for me now. 

Since I've had issues with awful life-threatening monthly 'friends' in the past (it's more complicated than that), and other issues, I most likely am sterile. I've been iffy about having my own kid for a while. Occasionally, it's been tempting, but at other times I'm completely turned off from it. Pregnancy and childbirth are incredibly gendered, so the process would most likely cause a lot of dysphoria. If I'm not sterile, it could kill me. If I do want kids in the future, I could adopt. Anyways, I'm thinking of getting a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. Not only because of the issues they give me, but it'll help with my dysphoria. I don't care if I'd have to take hormones for the rest of my life to make up for what's lost. People might try to talk me out of it because of how 'young' I am. I've always looked much younger than I am. I think I brought this sort of thing up after having an 8-month long 'friend' roughly a decade ago. My doctor was against it, and thought I'd change my mind eventually. Might be why I ended up becoming hesitant about it. I don't know. With those things out, I won't have to have another IUD implanted. Another positive. That program covers top surgery, too. So, yay! Another thing. After all this, I'd probably look very different. Probably happier, too. 

A couple of days ago, I decided to change my sleeping 'schedule' a little. Before, I had a set time to get up during the week. Now, I've decided that whenever I start to get ready for bed, I set my alarm for 9 hours later. 1/2 hour for getting ready, and 8 1/2 for being in bed. However, I tend to toss and turn at least for another 1/2 hour. It's more like I'm shooting for 8 hours of sleep. I haven't had a full night's sleep for a couple of years now. It's really difficult with the pain, and oddly being so fatigued. The eye mask and earplugs help a lot, though. Hopefully, no matter when I go to sleep, having the same set amount of time will help. This also means getting up at different times, but I think this would be more natural. It might be easier on my body. I'll probably do this during the weekends, too. 

Lately, despite feeling happy and excited to try so many different foods, I've occasionally felt tired of eating. Like the act itself. I've felt like this in the past, and have a hard time feeling any hunger during it. It's related to my colitis. Makes it a little difficult. I absolutely love food, so it can be frustrating, too. I tend to not pay attention to time between meals when I'm like this. I need to have 5 small meals daily. The daily range I set for myself is 1200-1600 calories, except on the weekends where I allow myself to eat however much I want. (Usually more calories.) If I forget times, I might skip meals. Sometimes I don't try to make up for a skipped meal, which means I go below my min amount of calories for a day. So a couple of days ago, I decided to set a timer after I start a meal for 3 hours. This way things are more set, I know when to start making/eating a meal, and I make sure to have it. The difficult part sometimes is getting myself to eat it. Smells great and might look amazing, but I still might have a hard time. This will help, though.

Found a lot of stuff at World Market recently. They have a pancake mix line with a variety of flavors. I've thought about trying them in the past. They're normally inexpensive, but this time they were about 50% off. Got the banana caramel one. It's amazing! I thought it'd call for milk and/or eggs, but it just had you add water and melted butter or vegetable oil. (I've been using the oil for them.) One serving is rather satisfying and easy to figure out the measurements for the water and oil. The directions apparently have you make 3 servings. The texture is nice, too. It's crispy. It has the same amount of sugar as my cereal, which isn't much. Despite having little caramel chips and banana mixed throughout. They don't even need syrup. They have a ton of calcium and some protein. Seem pretty healthy. I'm going to make them about half the time for my breakfasts until I finish the canister. I want to try the other flavors, too. 

Finished watching the Sniffer on Netflix. It was surprisingly good. Hope there's a 4th season. I liked that at the end of the finale Victor hugged the Sniffer tightly. (Not really a spoiler.) The Sniffer usually doesn't like hugs, and even handshakes can be odd for him. He hugged back. I think they both needed that emotionally (they went through hell that episode), and it was a friendly gesture. I almost feel like they could be in a qpr, since they're such close friends. The main theme song had a cool vibe. Went back to Persona, which is a Malaysian detective show. It's in Mandarin, but there's quite a bit of English sprinkled throughout.

Youtube (It's been a while, so I'm sharing a little more this time):

Boku no (My) Hero Academia:


Gintama:


Rurouni Kenshin:

Kekkai Sensen (Blood Blockade Battlefront):

Mix:


Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler):

Zombieland Saga:

One Piece:

6th of Tevet

Other than Hanukkah ending a couple of days after the beginning of the month of Tevet, there aren't really other Jewish holidays during it. Although, the 10th might be a minor fast day, if I remember correctly. 

To people who celebrate Christmas, I hope it's a great one. I'm planning to go to a Chinese buffet tomorrow with Dad. It's a tradition for many Jews on Christmas. So is watching movies. For the Chinese restaurants, it was mainly because they were the only restaurants open. It was also because we were both minorities, and (when this started) neither celebrated Christmas. It was kind of a bonding thing in a way. The place it started in, Jewish and Chinese immigrants were both close. Oh, by the way, there are Chinese-American (as well as those who are Chinese citizens) Jews out there. They just weren't known at the time. Plus, there's still the stereotype of what a Jew looks like. White, European (usually Ashkenazic), big nose (yes this is still aparently what people assume. It's very antisemitic), sometimes like the attire Orthodox men wear, etc. We're an extremely diverse people in reality. We're from all over the world and have distinct customs/traditions from those places, come from many backgrounds, there are many branches, and more. There's no actual 'look'. I might watch movies on Netflix, too. The movies thing was because movie theaters are usually open during that time, and often it's not as crowded. 

Hearing about a trans man's top surgery at a recent local trans group meeting, was interesting and got me thinking about it again. I've noticed I actually do experience gender dysphoria. It doesn't seem as intense as many other trans people. I'm not suicidal or self-harming myself because of it. For me, it's more of a very uncanny feeling. It feels like they shouldn't be there. I basically have had panic attacks after looking at my breasts for a certain time. Well, it's been a mix of a regular panic attack and the thing I get when I see my own blood, or anything health-related that's graphic/in detail. It's a weird syndrome that I can't remember the name of. It can get so bad that I pass out. It's weird to get that mixed panic/syndrome thing in the middle of a shower...

I found it odd and confusing to be agender and have dysphoria. How does not having a gender make you dysphoric about your body and/or socially? I brought this kind of thing up in one of the non-binary groups on facebook, and many said it's very easy to have dysphoria as an agender person. For one thing, breasts are very gendered. People who are feel it with facial hair, too. I hate that I get facial hair (especially under my chin and above my lips), yet I'm afab (assigned female at birth). It scared me when I found out about the hair under my chin. Someone pointed it out to me. I hate hair anywhere, except for on my head. For some reason, it feels good to have that long. I might be dysphoric about the body hair thing, as well. Although, not nearly as much as I am with my breasts. I think if I was bigender this stuff would be a euphoric thing instead. Some agender people have issues with their genitals, too. Some afab agender people get that area 'smoothed' or 'shaved' over. (I'm not talking about hair being shaved...) That seems extreme to me. I haven't really felt that way in that area. I feel odd, but nothing will change that. It doesn't seem to be the same type of thing. I think if I were amab (assigned male at birth) I'd want to be more 'streamlined', I guess. 

So, I'm leaning more towards getting top surgery in the future. I'll start with chest binding first, and that might be for a while. I think with just that, I'll feel much better. It would be interesting to see what I look like with a flat chest. Part of me feels like if I go against how people perceive me or how I 'should' look, it'll be bad. I'll be doing something wrong or be violating some sort of rule. I know that's silly, but I still feel it. I don't really want to do hrt (hormone replacement therapy). Especially, because I don't want to masculinize or feminize myself more. That would be very gendered. Although, I don't know about options for agender people on this. The only thing I can think of is somehow lowering estrogen and keeping testosterone low. Kind of like having a low balance. Not sure what that would do, or how that could be done. 

I find it interesting and odd that I feel I can relate a lot to the trans men related stuff on Pinterest. Maybe because they're afab and some feel similar about their chests? I've started looking into chest binder info, too. That brings up mainly trans men related things on Pinterest, although there have been some non-binary ones, too. I also looked at sites that sell binders. Apparently it looks like the 2 sites people usually recommend are gc2b and Underworks. I'm not sure which is better. gc2b's seem to be a bit more expensive. I also saw a lot more reviews for an Underworks' one. It's supposedly their best selling binder. I was surprised by how many agender people reviewed it. At least, it has that going for it. It sounds like it might be difficult at first to get into. Apparently, people suggest 8 hours max for wearing them. Any longer and it will cause damage. They say taking a small break in between wears is ok. So, you can put it back on after a certain amount of time. This makes sense. I've also read horror stories about binding. Usually people who didn't get the right fit, made their own, used ace bandages, wore it for too long, used tape, etc. I'll make sure to be safe with it. I think I'd want one that's like a tank top on top and goes down to my hips. It might help a little with my gut, too. Plus, it'll be long enough to tuck under my pants. People who get the shorter ones say they have issues with it riding up or curling. This length might be better in that sense, too.

7th Night of Hanukkah!

Just one more night of Hanukkah. The menorahs will look the most impressive on the last night. I forgot to mention yesterday that I got some ear plugs and an eye mask from Amazon recently. In fact, I've only had them for a few days. It's about a 2-year supply of the ear plugs. They seem better than the ones I've used in the past so far. The eye mask is interesting, and I'm still getting used to it. It's black, and the print versions are a lot more expensive. It's made out of silk, so it feels nice on my eyes. I'm not used to the pressure on them, though. It really does block out all light, and when I take it off in the morning, the sunlight in my room is much more intense. I think I've slept a little better since I got both that and the ear plugs. I haven't had a regular night's sleep in close to 2 years, so maybe this is a step in the right direction. 

AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) wants to do a piece on my memoir for their January issue of AVENues. It's their bimonthly online magazine. The theme this time is aces in the media. I'm surprised they asked me. I'm a little nervous about an interview, but might agree to it. We'll see. If I don't, they'll use an excerpt of my book and/or just the description with a pic. I'm still mulling it over, but they said they'll give me until mid-January. Exciting, still. Most of the ace community online will know once this is published. 

Youtube:

Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler):
Mob Psycho 100:
Death Note:
Naruto Shippuden:
Servamp:
Bleach: