To people who celebrate Christmas, I hope it's a great one. I'm planning to go to a Chinese buffet tomorrow with Dad. It's a tradition for many Jews on Christmas. So is watching movies. For the Chinese restaurants, it was mainly because they were the only restaurants open. It was also because we were both minorities, and (when this started) neither celebrated Christmas. It was kind of a bonding thing in a way. The place it started in, Jewish and Chinese immigrants were both close. Oh, by the way, there are Chinese-American (as well as those who are Chinese citizens) Jews out there. They just weren't known at the time. Plus, there's still the stereotype of what a Jew looks like. White, European (usually Ashkenazic), big nose (yes this is still aparently what people assume. It's very antisemitic), sometimes like the attire Orthodox men wear, etc. We're an extremely diverse people in reality. We're from all over the world and have distinct customs/traditions from those places, come from many backgrounds, there are many branches, and more. There's no actual 'look'. I might watch movies on Netflix, too. The movies thing was because movie theaters are usually open during that time, and often it's not as crowded.
Hearing about a trans man's top surgery at a recent local trans group meeting, was interesting and got me thinking about it again. I've noticed I actually do experience gender dysphoria. It doesn't seem as intense as many other trans people. I'm not suicidal or self-harming myself because of it. For me, it's more of a very uncanny feeling. It feels like they shouldn't be there. I basically have had panic attacks after looking at my breasts for a certain time. Well, it's been a mix of a regular panic attack and the thing I get when I see my own blood, or anything health-related that's graphic/in detail. It's a weird syndrome that I can't remember the name of. It can get so bad that I pass out. It's weird to get that mixed panic/syndrome thing in the middle of a shower...
I found it odd and confusing to be agender and have dysphoria. How does not having a gender make you dysphoric about your body and/or socially? I brought this kind of thing up in one of the non-binary groups on facebook, and many said it's very easy to have dysphoria as an agender person. For one thing, breasts are very gendered. People who are feel it with facial hair, too. I hate that I get facial hair (especially under my chin and above my lips), yet I'm afab (assigned female at birth). It scared me when I found out about the hair under my chin. Someone pointed it out to me. I hate hair anywhere, except for on my head. For some reason, it feels good to have that long. I might be dysphoric about the body hair thing, as well. Although, not nearly as much as I am with my breasts. I think if I was bigender this stuff would be a euphoric thing instead. Some agender people have issues with their genitals, too. Some afab agender people get that area 'smoothed' or 'shaved' over. (I'm not talking about hair being shaved...) That seems extreme to me. I haven't really felt that way in that area. I feel odd, but nothing will change that. It doesn't seem to be the same type of thing. I think if I were amab (assigned male at birth) I'd want to be more 'streamlined', I guess.
So, I'm leaning more towards getting top surgery in the future. I'll start with chest binding first, and that might be for a while. I think with just that, I'll feel much better. It would be interesting to see what I look like with a flat chest. Part of me feels like if I go against how people perceive me or how I 'should' look, it'll be bad. I'll be doing something wrong or be violating some sort of rule. I know that's silly, but I still feel it. I don't really want to do hrt (hormone replacement therapy). Especially, because I don't want to masculinize or feminize myself more. That would be very gendered. Although, I don't know about options for agender people on this. The only thing I can think of is somehow lowering estrogen and keeping testosterone low. Kind of like having a low balance. Not sure what that would do, or how that could be done.
I find it interesting and odd that I feel I can relate a lot to the trans men related stuff on Pinterest. Maybe because they're afab and some feel similar about their chests? I've started looking into chest binder info, too. That brings up mainly trans men related things on Pinterest, although there have been some non-binary ones, too. I also looked at sites that sell binders. Apparently it looks like the 2 sites people usually recommend are gc2b and Underworks. I'm not sure which is better. gc2b's seem to be a bit more expensive. I also saw a lot more reviews for an Underworks' one. It's supposedly their best selling binder. I was surprised by how many agender people reviewed it. At least, it has that going for it. It sounds like it might be difficult at first to get into. Apparently, people suggest 8 hours max for wearing them. Any longer and it will cause damage. They say taking a small break in between wears is ok. So, you can put it back on after a certain amount of time. This makes sense. I've also read horror stories about binding. Usually people who didn't get the right fit, made their own, used ace bandages, wore it for too long, used tape, etc. I'll make sure to be safe with it. I think I'd want one that's like a tank top on top and goes down to my hips. It might help a little with my gut, too. Plus, it'll be long enough to tuck under my pants. People who get the shorter ones say they have issues with it riding up or curling. This length might be better in that sense, too.
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