Saw my primary doc on Monday. She seemed like a different person this time. Not nearly as rude and ignorant. It's most likely the last time I'll see her. It was for my next batch of refills for Lamotrigine and annual physical.
We started talking about my family history of breast cancer. My mom had it, her mom had it, and one of my mom's sisters had it. So, I'm at a huge risk. I came out to her as agender then. It threw her off big time. Eventually, she asked why I told her. I said because I'll need top surgery, and since I don't want it even masculinized or feminized, or to have nipples. Totally flat. It would dwindle my risk to pretty much nothing. (Nothing will completely eliminate it, but it's pretty dang close.) She was iffy about it. Like, somehow it wouldn't be enough, and I'd have to get mammograms still. How would they do a mammogram on someone who's flat like that? There's not enough tissue. How would it not be enough? Her compromise was referring me to a geneticist to see if I have the markers, I guess. Not sure if I actually will see one. I also felt like something weird was going on with my chest, so she did a breast exam. It felt weird enough that she was basically fondling me...Although, I know it was something that needed to be done. I couldn't look at them. If I look at them for too long, I end up having a panic attack. Hard when you're at risk, or even just doing things like taking a shower.
She asked me if I wanted to be more masculine. I told her there's nothing there for me. Neither a slightly masculine side nor feminine. I know it's weird, but it's just how I am. Things I might like that are designated men's or women's by society, are just like nice masks or something fun. I don't feel like they affirm or fit who I am. They're just things to me. I haven't really explored much of the men's section stuff (I'm slightly too nervous right now), but just seeing some of it interests me. Oh, the only men's section thing I have are actually sunglasses. Most people can't tell, and it seems pretty neutral. They're one of the best ones I've had, too. Cheaper than the women's ones. I think it'd be fun to make outfits and such out of both the men's and women's stuff together. I like the idea of messing with other people (as long as they don't kill me...), and it'd be refreshing to see something new like that. I'll have many more options as well.
She asked what I'd want done. When I got to hysterectomy/oophorectomy, she flailed her hands and told me to stop. She thought it was too much and that I'm 'overthinking' it. I'm too young. I know I look much younger than I am, but really? If it's because she thinks I might want babies in the future, I think I'm infertile. I've had so many life-threatening issues with those that I think it'd make it difficult or next to impossible to conceive. Not only that but it might give me a lot of dysphoria. Having colitis complicates it, too. With all this, even if I could become pregnant, the pregnancy itself and giving birth might kill me. Too many factors. I could adopt in the future. I thought about harvesting my eggs, but that's expensive (doubt it'd be covered), and I don't even know how viable they are now. Not only that but I'd still have issues when I decide I want to have baby...So, not only would taking them out be gender-related, but also overall health-related. Also, the IUD was only meant to be like a band-aid. They never meant for me to be on it for so long. It was so they could figure out what actually caused my 8-month long extremely painful 'friend'. It was the only thing that could stop it right away. No one looked into it more, though. If I have a hysterectomy/oophorectomy, I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. No getting the IUD implanted every 5-7 years, and no danger with my 'friends'. Win-win.
I explained to her that being an agender person with gender dysphoria, anything gendered could trigger it. She proceeded to tell me that bodies are bodies, this is my body, and bodies aren't necessarily gendered. Trying to talk me out of it. True, since I am an agender person, my body is agender. However, there are things that shouldn't be there. I can't think my way out of that. I asked if she would say the same thing to a man with gynecomastia and to just accept it. She changed her tune and was a lot more respectful afterwards. While I'm not masculine, it was an example that she could relate to more.
I got a reminder to have another colonoscopy. It's been 2 years. Interestingly, the reminder wasn't through KP (my insurance), but Digestive Health Services in Tacoma. I haven't seen anyone from there since. It was from the GI who performed the procedure last time. Anyways, I brought this up with her. She immediately made a referral to gastroenterology, despite her weirdness about it last time I saw her.
She saw my birthmark, and acted like she had never seen it before. It's huge and on my lower back. In the past, some people have asked me if it's a tattoo, and another one asked if someone was beating me. Really weird. There's a mole on it and some strange hair has cropped up only on that birthmark. She was worried about it. I was more worried about a skin tag under one of my knees. Her nurse took pics of both, and they were supposedly sent to dermatology to see what's going on. I don't need another thing...All in all it was a weird appointment.
I'm now enrolled in KP's Gender Health Program. They assign you a social worker first to help you navigate it. It seems like they're there for emotional support, too. They told me to wait until that social worker, Ashley, called me. They said it'd probably be in a week or 2. That was on Tuesday. She called me in the late afternoon yesterday. (Surprisingly quick!) My phone deemed the number she dialed as a scam. The number wasn't the same as the one I was given, so I didn't answer. Luckily, she left a message. The number I was given is her personal, or as she called it 'confidential', number. So, it's a bit different.
I called her back today. I didn't expect to talk to her for so long. She was incredibly nice and seems like she could really help me. She didn't say if she's had patients that were agender, but it seemed like she wanted to know about my personal experience as one. That's probably the best attitude.
We went through a lot of what I'd need, and it was nice just to talk to someone one-on-one about this stuff. She's going to send me a bunch of resources/info via email. She'll help me with getting a new primary that's trained in gender-related health care. She said that my current primary would be harmful for me (at least mentally), after I told her about my last appointment. I need someone that mostly 'gets it'. At least, the trans part.
She's also sending me a list of gender therapists to see. She said they could also help with other mental health stuff. I have to get 2 letters from different therapists, I think, in order to get top surgery. She said if need be, she can provide one. For bottom surgery, they'd need 1 letter. Bottom surgery for me is weird, though. Considering I think I'd only want a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, it doesn't seem like most. They could do it probably under different reasons, too. I don't know.
She asked if I wanted hormones. Thing is, I don't know my hormone levels normally. They could be really out of whack with just considering the facial hair (I try to shave it often, so it's not that noticeable) and issues with my monthly 'friend'. I don't know what 'results' I'd want. Not sure if I need it...She said I have a lot to sort through, but we'll take it one step at a time. She'll call me every week or so. Apparently, they're thinking of turning those calls into video-based. Like, through Skype or something. So we both can see each other, and it's more personal. That would be better.
I brought up that I had called the GHP line in a status on Patients Like Me. Someone responded with: "You go girl! You're so brave, and know that you're not alone! I'm sure I'm not the only one that supports you on here!" First, I'm not a girl. In my response to her, I went through what agender means, along with telling her I'm not a girl and I don't want to be referred to by gendered language. I gave alternative examples. I also told her it might have been confusing since I mentioned that she/her or they/them are my pronouns. Haven't had a response from that yet. I might have shut her up...Second, how am I brave? It seems like a weird word to use. I wasn't even saying that I'm the only agender person out there. I wasn't asking people to directly support me, either. That's great and all, but it was just an update. Probably had the most reactions out of all my posts on there. However, I've recently been more active about it.
I finished watching D.Gray-man. It's not the best anime I've seen, but it was good. That last arc just seemed never-ending. It's like things ended and came together a little too nicely. I'll start D.Gray-man Hallow soon. It's the sequel. The first one ended in 2008, newer one aired in 2016. A long time in between. The newer one is also only 13 episodes, while the older one is 103. Quite a difference.
Youtube:
One Piece Crack (Cracks are collections of humorous shorts from a series. Sometimes making fun of it, adding things to scenes, short amv's, etc. It can be another window into the series. Found most of these a while back):
One Piece amv:
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