30th of Tishri

I apparently have another thing I should bring up next time I talk to my primary. I've noticed it in the past but ignored it thinking it wasn't a big deal. It's back with a vengeance this time, though. My right pinky finger is numb/tingly, and sometimes there are shocks of pain. Sometimes my other pinky finger feels the same way, just not as strongly. I think parts of both my ring fingers are affected, too. Just not all of it with those. Sometimes it feels like my pinky is gone, or like it's dead or something. It also affects how I grip with those fingers. I thought since it's just mainly a pinky that it wasn't a big deal. It's not all the time, either. Although, this time that 'feeling' is staying longer than usual. It might be Ulnar Nerve Entrapment aka Cubital Tunnel Syndrome. It's similar to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, just deals with a different nerve. For this, it's a nerve that gets trapped in the elbow. It happens to people who bend their elbows for extended periods of time. Particularly those that sleep on their sides with a hand under their pillow. I tend to sleep like this. It's the most comfortable position for me. I usually try to sleep on my back with my arms out at my sides at the beginning. I always end up on either side with a hand under the pillow by the end. It's a subconscious thing...There aren't many times during the day where I have my arms out straight. Sometimes I 'feel' this numb thing after playing my clarinet. You can't play it without bending your elbows. I've read the only way to get rid of it is to talk to a hand specialist. Sometimes you just need physical therapy. I don't want to...

I also need to decide whether I want a new primary soon, and make an appointment. It's been too long (over a year), and there are things like this that I need to bring up. In addition to asking how to get the ball rolling for medical transition stuff. If only to talk about it with them. If they don't know anything, that's ok. I also haven't seen anyone for my colitis in over a year, and they say it needs to be closely monitored. (At least, once every 3 or 4 months.) Even while in remission. My 'GI' (she's not an MD, and is really an assistant to an MD that I don't have) recently messaged me saying she renewed my prescription for another year of Lialda. However, without seeing me or someone else for so long, she can't order more. So, I need to find someone at the very least before that year's up. She does want me to find an MD, and thinks they'll be able to help me more. I'm glad she actually sent me a message. My primary hasn't, yet she usually sends a paper letter as a reminder for my annual physical. That tells me quite a bit right there. Maybe she expected that I'd switch to someone else, yet she's still refilling my prescription for Lamotrigine. It's weird.

Recently someone posted in one of the IBD groups about how they couldn't take it anymore. Seemed suicidal. She kept saying she had had enough. None of the treatments were helping, and she doesn't want surgery. That was the last option. I was told almost as soon as I was diagnosed that many people with IBD become suicidal over time. Or, develop other mental health issues. It's a tough disease. The idea that it'll be with you for life, and most likely get worse over time, is a difficult pill to swallow as it is. Let alone going through so many different treatments, living with that pain (even if you're in remission, you may still be in pain, like I've been), not being able to keep anything down, constantly going to the bathroom, the fatigue, having malabsorption issues, etc. It's difficult to live with. Some have it more severe than others, and/or may have different symptoms. Again, it's more likely to worsen over time. Some people even refuse treatment altogether, and end up dying from complications. Heck, people can still die from complications even with treatment, although it takes longer and is rare. It's even more rare, but the treatments themselves could cause fatal complications. Most of the comments to her post were not good. Saying things like: "Been there, done that." "It'll get better. You're just having a bad day." "Think positive." That's not helpful. Sure, things might get better, but what if it doesn't for her? Some seemed dismissive. A couple of people posted about suicide hotlines, which was better. Some suggested she pm them. I think that was one of the best responses. She needed someone to talk to, and maybe even just to have someone listen. Someone who knows what having this is like, even if theirs isn't as severe. I didn't want to make it worse and didn't say anything. I'm sure the admins saw it at some point. Maybe they helped her out.

I played some of Fable: The Lost Chapters during the weekend. Haven't done so in so long...I think I only managed to play it on my laptop, which fried about a decade ago. I had to mess a little bit with the graphics. I like that they give you that option. The faces of the people in it looked scary at first, after tweaking it, they were a lot better. More normal. Everything else looks great, especially knowing how old it is. I had to essentially turn off the shadow quality. Still have faint shadows, at least. The shadows were a weird bright green beforehand. I also managed to change the resolution to what my computer is now, so it's full screen. That's 1920 x 1080. I didn't think it could go that high. It might go higher. The game itself runs so smoothly on my new computer. It's great. I realized why it has you start with a wasd config for the keyboard controls. It makes it a lot more fluid than the arrow one, oddly. I essentially only got to the point of almost the end of the 'tutorial' part. After joining the guild, passing the guild test, and the guild master is about to tell me about their home portal and getting around. That takes up a big chunk. It was fun, though. Next time, after the portal thing, I'll start really playing it and completing quests without it guiding me. I realized it starts you off with 'sexuality: unknown'. I didn't remember that he can end up being other things besides straight. Looked it up, and apparently he can. Technically, only 'unknown', straight, gay, or bi. That's still something. It changes if he marries other characters. I think I made him flirt with male npc's in the past, just to see what would happen. Never had him marry anyone, though. Apparently, he can have sex if he's married to his partner or he finds a prostitute. I didn't remember that...Not that I want that either. It's a complex and immersive world, so I guess there's a lot of possibilities. The expressions you can give him are funny, too. I like that there's quite a bit of humor mixed in with the seriousness. Like, you can become a chicken chaser with different titles the more you kick or punch chickens. It's rather dark...You can choose to be evil or good based on your deeds. Evil deeds are things like stealing, killing innocent npc's, farting in people's faces, etc. Good ones are helping others, watching stuff for them, beating up a bully, beating/killing villains (there's a difference in this), and more. Right now, I'm pretty neutral, but I'll probably end up being good. Maybe in the future I can play it again and make him as evil as possible. 

Managed to edit quite a bit of Alliance today. Finished the Questions unit, and started the People 1 one for Russian. I'm half thinking of dropping Russian, because of how awful Duolingo's course is. I'm remembering a lot of it, but I'm not sure how long I can overlook how glitchy it is. 

I think my next drawing 'project' will be drawing full bodies of my characters. Maybe different angles of their heads, too. I'm starting with Shadow, the main character. I'm trying to plan it out a bit more than I did with the heads. I've drawn a full body of him, but it was weird. I don't like his head's design from that heads thing recently. The hair wasn't right, face shape was weird, eyes were a little odd, etc. So, I'm saving pics I find to my phone that I can use as guides for parts of him. I found a chart of hairstyles a month or so ago. I also now have the 2 hairstyles I know that I merged together for how Shadow looks in my head. They're not exactly like his, but close. Also, found eye, mouth, and nose shape charts. Hopefully, I can get a better design using these as guides. I'll look for head shapes next. Might look for charts for other body parts, too. I want to improve, and haven't done many full-body drawings. I have a really old artist's anatomy book (I think it was my grandma's), but it's not the best. It helps sometimes, though. It's sad that every time I've drawn Shadow, I haven't liked his design. I should find something I'd like that's solid, considering he's the main character.

Practiced my clarinet. Played from the general solo book, jazz, Gershwin, Duke Ellington, and some pieces from the advanced classical solo book. I think I played better than last time. 

Started watching the last season of Fairy Tail. It's been about 2 1/2 years since its last season ended. A long time. I wasn't sure if they were actually going to make another one. It was like seeing old friends again. Natsu and Lucy are planning to gather the guild members again and rebuild the guild itself. The guild master is missing, and no one know's why he disbanded it. Natsu has become a lot stronger. We don't know about Lucy or Happy yet. Carla (people can't seem to agree on how to spell her name) can take on a human form now. She's an Exceed, who are essentially strong talking cats that can fly. (They hatch from eggs, too.) It was an interesting surprise. Wendy's apart of a different guild and they're trying to persuade her to quit and rejoin Fairy Tail at the moment. If she does, Carla will probably go with her. She's always with her, like Happy is with Natsu. Happy's another Exceed. Should be interesting to see how this season turns out. 

Finished the most recent season of Gintama. They told fans that it'd be the last season, but they really trolled us. In fact, they trolled viewers big time during the last half of the finale. At least they explained what the situation was for the series. The mangaka (creator of the manga) announced a while back that he was finishing it, but he still hasn't. He apparently is taking a hiatus? That's what I gathered. The anime staff said they had pretty much caught up and there wasn't enough material to adapt at the moment. They try to stay true to the manga. Over the years, I can tell the anime staff must be close to him. They seem to be fond of him in a very Gintama way. Joking about him a lot, but with some seriousness to it. Whenever he appears in the anime, he's portrayed as a gorilla and hardly ever talks. He usually writes them something like a letter or on a wall. He also comes in with a golden aura. Like, he's their G-d. Well, he essentially is to his characters. I think he does have a hand with some of the anime. Not sure when the next season will be. Not even sure if the mangaka really is ending the series. He loves to troll people and does it well.  

The last 4 episodes of Satsuriku no Tenshi are going to be available as specials. I watched the first of those. (It was the only one up so far. It'll probably be put out weekly like usual, which is odd considering how it came out this time.) It was pretty intense. Should be interesting to see how this one ends.

National Banana Lovers Day!

I love bananas! One of my fave fruits. I usually have one with my cereal for breakfast. They're very nutritious. 

It didn't really hit me until a couple of days ago that it's the month of Elul. I did make a post earlier this month with it in the title, but I didn't think much of it at the time. On the Jewish calendar, it's the month before Tishri. Tishri starts with Rosh Hashanah, or our New Year. It's lit. 'Head (of) the Year'. That's also the beginning of the High Holy Days (aka Days of Awe). It's a very important time for us. That ends with the end of Yom Kippur or our Day of Atonement. That's the most important holiday on the calendar. Then, later that month is Sukkot (lit. Booths), which is an 8-day long harvest-based holiday. A lot in one month. A lot of people do things to 'prepare' for it during Elul. 

I usually blow the shofar every morning during it. Except for on Shabbos (Yiddish for Shabbat). It's something my mom did with me, too. It's supposed to symbolize 'waking up' our souls for the coming holidays. It's a little thing, but I like to do it. There have been years where I completely forget about it. 

I'll probably 'attend' online services for the High Holy Days. The New York City one that I occasionally go to online is really good. Their synagogue is impressive. They also have interesting speakers in between services. There are only a couple of iffy things for me, but that's not bad. There are other congregations around the country that live-stream their services, too. It's a pretty cool thing. My immune system is still weird, I'm not comfortable (because of certain people) going to either local synagogues, tickets for going to HHD services are usually expensive, and it gets really warm and stuffy during them in person. That last one is because the synagogues are usually packed for every service. There have been years where there weren't enough seats. Everyone seems to feel that that is the time out of the whole year that they must go. Hence, why going online is probably the best option for me. I kind of feel like I'm there, too. The NYC one even has a pdf file online of their machzor or HHD prayer book. I might print that off beforehand. The last couple of years I've had to guess with some of it, since I didn't have it in front of me. It's pretty nifty that they've thought so much about their online audience. They even have a phone number you can call to hear the service translated in different languages like Spanish, German, Russian, etc. 

I managed to 'start' Shabbos like I used to last Friday night. Sang the blessings over the candles, juice, and bread. Didn't have grape juice, so I used cranberry raspberry juice. Didn't have challah, so I used the Norwegian bread that I like so much. It was a little different. Haven't done that in at least a year, I think. I also bensched after dinner. It's when we go through the Birkat Hamazon or blessings after eating. I forgot some of the melodies at first. If I do it more often, I'll remember. I also had my own service after that, using the prayer book I have at home. That was nice. I didn't do Havdalah, which is a ceremony that ends Shabbos. That's ok. I got to quite a bit. It felt good. Hopefully I can continue with Shabbos stuff again in the future. Make it a habit again. Good to do just before the HHD.

The air quality has been much better. It felt really cold a couple of days ago. The high was 60 degrees. Didn't feel like summer. We went from being in the high 80s to that...such an extreme. I'm much happier with it being chilly. Just wasn't really prepared for it. I love fall weather, and it seems like that's coming up quick. Today got up to 76, and tomorrow will get up to around the same temp. After that, it'll be in the mid to high 60s. Much easier to live with. Feels like we're finally getting a rest from the hot weather. Hopefully it won't come back until next year.

Both Alliance and Sweet Endless Terror have Select terms that end today. So, now all 3 of the ones I wanted out of Select will be by tomorrow. (The 3rd being Alliance: Dawn, which ended its term a couple of weeks ago.) I'm thinking of not turning on my computer until the beginning of next month. I want to make sure another heat wave won't hit in the meantime, and since it'll be close to a new year for me. Anyways, I won't prepare those 3 for submission to Smashwords until then. Once I do submit them, I'll have to wait a little longer for them to be approved for their Premium Catalog. Once that happens, it'll be distributed to a lot more places. It might end up being mid-September by then. 

After submitting them to Smashwords, I'll go back to writing Alliance 3. I've already forgotten most of it. I'll probably have to read what I've written already beforehand. To get back in the mindset. Can't wait to get back to it, though. Last year I ended up staying away from writing in July and August, too. I think this time I actually stopped in June. I've only stopped this year and the previous one because of the heat and smoke. It's not good for my desktop computer, and when it's on it generates quite a bit of heat. It's in my bedroom, so it ends up making it more difficult to sleep when it's hot out. I have more ideas for books, too. Will be nice to finally get to them after I finish A3. Not sure how long A3 will end up being.

I've made it to the last unit, titled Feelings, for Chinese. I'm almost through their course...It's been fascinating to me. I might still catch up with the review part after I finish it. Then, I'll move on to another language. I'm close to that. I'm still debating whether I want to take the Duolingo Russian course or something else. I'm curious as to how much I remember from taking Russian in college. I loved it. Duolingo's course will probably be better for it than it was for Chinese. I'm also tempted to go back to French, which I took all of the classes that were available in high school. Or, maybe on conversational Hebrew? Or, Italian? So many choices.

Started reading the manga, Code Breaker. I'm unsure if I like it. Despite it being a long first chapter, there's not much to the story yet. Not sure if I like the main characters either. With some manga, I instantly like it after the first chapter. I'll give it a couple more, and if I feel the same way I'll drop it. I still have quite a list of interesting looking manga that I want to read. There's bound to be some duds. This one also has an anime adaptation. I haven't seen it. 

Practiced my clarinet for an hour today. I played a lot of an advanced Mozart book, and a miscellaneous solo one. I tried to push myself with some of the most difficult Mozart pieces in that book, and ended up frustrated at times. I wasn't too bad, but what made it frustrating was more of what was written. Like, many were in half time, or something like 6/8. Oh, and changing time signatures multiple times in one piece...Some were agonizingly slow or seemingly impossibly fast. The one piece that he made specifically for clarinets, is especially frustrating. I think Mozart loved to mess with people. Some of it's fun to play, though. 

For cleaning, I got to the cat stuff, did laundry, took the trash and recycling bins in, swept my bathroom floor, and cleaned my bathroom mirror. More than I thought I would get to. Rosie wasn't too happy with me cleaning the bathroom. I had to lightly tap her on the butt with the broom in order for her to leave my bathroom. Couldn't sweep the floor with a cat there. She decided to lay up against the closed bathroom door, so whenever I came out she was right there. She didn't like when I sprayed the mirror with Windex, too. She got really nervous and turned up her face. She usually doesn't get 'involved' like this when I clean. 

For drawing, I looked up pics of eye/cheek makeup or tattoos. I have a vision of what the Dark Healer's facial art design is, but I have a hard time imagining it exactly when I go to draw it out. Some of the ones I found were very close. Many of them were feminine looking. I want it more masculine, because he's a man. There was a cool masculine looking facial tribal tattoo. I might use a combo of that and others. I'll draw a semi-simple one for his face, since the face is rather small. Then, I'll draw another more complex version by itself. A closeup, essentially. In my head, he has quite a lot of tattoos. A couple on his face, on his arms, chest, etc. Interestingly in my mind, I imagine Doina, who's a Light Healer, has tattoos as well, but they're more hidden. It's not like I demonized tattoos (Dark Healers may be considered 'evil') or glorified them. They're cool and intricate. 

Yesterday I went back to watching Kujira no Kora wa Sajou ni Utau or Children of the Whales. I put it on hold a year ago, because there were more interesting shows that came out at the time. It had a very slow start, and after watching 2 episodes yesterday, it didn't progress much. I'm halfway through it now, so at least there isn't much more. The art is rather unique, and even though the story has been super slow, it's been interesting. Interesting enough to keep going with it. It seems like they wanted to turn this into something bigger than it ended up being. At least, so far. Maybe it picks up at this point. 

So many things happened with Gintama. It was intense. They may have killed off a lot of beloved characters. Everyone kept fighting to save Earth, even after being slashed up. Sadaharu seemed like he faded out of existence at one point. He's a huge alien dog that's Odd Jobs' pet. He came back somehow, though. It seems like they defeated Utsuro at the end. However, the spaceship (I think it's called Heaven's Cradle), made it through Earth's atmosphere and crashed. It's huge. There was a bright light and then the ending credits rolled. What a way to end the episode! Luckily, there was a segment after the credits. Apparently, it was 2 years into the future. It was almost like how the first episode of the entire series started. Except Shinpachi was playing the same role as Gintoki. It was kind of like an inside joke. I hope they didn't kill off Gintoki, and that it's not really like they showed in that last bit. They did mention in the preview that we'll find out who died and what exactly happened after the crash. They also did mention that it'll be 2 years into the future. It feels like it ended already. There's no say on how many episodes this last season will be, but even if it's the usual 12 for seasonal anime, we still have at least a few left. I have a feeling they'd make more than that. So what else is left? (Besides finding out who survived and how things are now.) 

Lemonade Day!

This holiday was yesterday. Lemonade's really nice on a hot summer day. It probably would have been good yesterday. I haven't made it in a while. For mine, I usually use lemon juice first to about a 1/2 inch in the glass, then add some sugar (roughly 1/2 as much as the juice), then fill up the glass with however much water I want. It helps mix it up more this way. I still end up stirring it afterwards, just not as much. Sometimes I use Splenda to cut down on calories, however it gets a weird aftertaste. 

It was also Cupcake Day. I'm starting to like those more. I just didn't think much of them in the past. It's nice to have a little individual serving of cake, though. It's cute. They come in many sizes, too. The ones from Safeway are amazing, but huge!

The air quality is pretty bad today, too. It's a bit more in the red unhealthy category than yesterday. I can see more of the smoke from looking out the windows. Some of it has seeped inside, but it's not nearly as bad as outside. My gut's not liking this either. It seems upset. Rosie seems a bit worried about the smoke. She knows it's not normal. It's also expected to reach close to 90 degrees. When it's that hot with an unhealthy air quality, it's oppressive. Makes it hard to breathe or do much. It still looks like things will be a lot better starting after tomorrow. I hope that's true, it improves, and we stay with normal clean air. We're also still in a drought. Hopefully, we'll get some rain soon.

Last night I watched an episode of the Indian supernatural detective series, Anjaan: Special Crimes Unit on Netflix. I'm really liking this show so far. It's interesting to hear so much English interspersed with the Hindi. Hindi sounds and looks cool. I might try that on Duolingo in the future. I've heard and seen it before, but I think this is the first show I've watched where they speak it and show it written out. I've mostly just seen/heard it in movies, which are brief. Duolingo recently created a course for it, too. They show a lot of cultural aspects as well. I love learning about other cultures, so that's been a treat for me. 

Anyways, I thought it would be hokey, so my expectations were low. I was pleasantly surprised. The only thing I haven't liked, so far, is that they killed off someone who I thought would be a main character by the end of the 3rd episode. She was a very likeable character. It was a rather big twist. There's a new woman that might replace her, though. Haven't seen much of her, so I'm not sure how I feel about her. The side stories that are connected to the main mystery are very interesting in themselves. Everything has to do with a yellow-eyed demon-like character, Vanraj, and the main character, Vikrant. Vikrant's a detective. Netflix has 15 episodes, but looking at the wikipedia article, it actually has 65. Maybe they'll put the rest up in the future. It feels like I'm nearing the end, yet I've only watched 5 episodes. Should be interesting to see how it unfolds.

Watched 2 episodes of Gintama last night. I was behind a few weeks. 2 because of the awful internet connection at the hotel, and another because I was reluctant to continue watching the final season. It's my fave anime, and to think it's ending soon makes it hard to watch...I'll catch up next week with it. They implied that a major character was going to die, hence another factor to not wanting to continue. Turned out that he might be ok. However, a different character died. One I wasn't expecting. Everyone hated him when he first showed up, and he was a real jerk back then. This story arc has really changed him, and they actually made me tear up while he was dying. Gintama's good at making people hate a character, and turning them into something more. They're usually not 'evil', just misunderstood. Deep down they can be good people. The creator is a genius at character development, as well as other aspects. I don't think I could ever truly like the real 'bad guy', Utsuro, of this story though. He truly seems evil and doesn't care what happens to others. He seems to want to destroy planets, including Earth at the moment, because it's fun. He technically can't die, and has been trying to find ways to kill himself. The longer he lives, the more bored he feels. I like that they're showing characters we haven't seen in a long time, too. Each one has had a hand in trying to save Earth. 

Also, last night I caught up to One Piece again. (There's a new one today that I'll probably watch tonight.) The mochi devil fruit eater is annoying. Luffy doesn't seem to be landing any hits against him. Brook and Chopper are turning into hard candies, but Pedro may have saved them. He killed himself with a bomb to kill the candy devil fruit eater. If he dies, Brook and Chopper will return to normal, and the ship will be free. I didn't want Pedro to die...Even if he wasn't in the story for long. He was cool. It was a big enough blast that it sent the ship flying, Big Mom was blasted, and nearby fleets were blown up, too. Probably won't kill Big Mom, but she may be wounded. The only problem is the mochi guy, and luring Big Mom out to sea now. 

Ended up burning 928 calories yesterday. Roughly 62% of my calorie intake for the day. I was surprised by that, but again it wasn't a 'normal' day. I didn't do the added stair climbing, but ended up climbing stairs 15 times. If I had done the extra ones it would have been 24. That's a lot. I burned 270 calories alone with the natural stair climbing. That's close to the amount of one of my meals. So far today, I've burned 353 calories. Not bad considering I've done a lot less things than yesterday. 

Got to studying more Chinese today. I hadn't played the game for today before. It was on spelling. You choose what letters (pinyin) go in the blanks for a word, and if you get it right they turn into coins that fall into a pot. I was correct with the spelling for all the words. The only thing I messed up on was one tone for a word. They noted it, but marked the word correct. Sometimes it's hard to remember the right tone. Especially if it's an up or down one. They look similar. I finished the In the Office unit. The speaking part was frustrating, but I didn't mess up too badly. Ended up getting a 3.4 out of 4 for the all speaking lesson. Doing Business is the next unit. 

Read more of the manga, Alive. Not sure where this one's going, but it's certainly intriguing. They all lost the 'Heart of Akuro' (and Hirose who's inside) when the ship that was carrying it sunk. It's still 'alive', even if it might be at the bottom of the ocean now. I'm not sure what Megumi's situation is now. She's taking care of the people who kidnapped her 2 years ago...Doesn't seem right. 

Got to practicing my clarinet. Probably was not the best time considering it was around 80 degrees outside. (We don't have ac at home.) After that hour of practice, I was sweating like crazy. I don't regret it, though. Played some jazz and mostly Irish tunes this time. Wasn't too bad today, either. A few mistakes, but I'm working through them. 

26th of Tammuz

This is my wallpaper for July. It's another Dear manga wallpaper I made a while ago. I didn't actually create the art. I just stretched the image big enough to make a wallpaper out of it. There's another manga named Dear that's sports related. This one's by Cocoa Fujiwara, and is fantasy-based. Quite different. These are all the main characters. Subaru is so tall! (Compared to the others.) Taller than I remembered when I was reading it. Hopefully, someday I'll finish reading it. I only stopped because the rest of the chapters weren't available. I liked it a lot. The story was unique, and each character was interesting. This seemed like a nice summery one. 

The weather calendar's main pic's of a shelf cloud in Kansas with a storm behind it during a sunset. They captured a bolt of lightning from the storm. It's cool looking. The smaller pics are of tornado-producing supercell clouds, that were also in Kansas. They seem pretty hung up on tornadoes. There are plenty of other weather-related phenomena they could capture. 

The month-long holidays for July are: National Grilling Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Ice Cream Month, National Blueberries Month, and National Honey Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. Lots of good food ones. Also, locally, it's like we have another Pride month. 2 months is a bit much...

My shoulder is a lot better than it was. The heating pad and Vicodin seemed to have helped quite a bit. It's still not 100%, though. It aches every so often throughout the day. I'll probably have to continue to use the heating pad for a little longer. Went for the entire day yesterday and today without taking Vicodin. Yay! I really didn't like how it was making me feel. My stomach was worse on it, too. Had more headaches than usual. So, I was determined to stop even if I was still in a lot of pain. I don't understand how people can get addicted to it. It just makes me feel sicker the longer I'm on it. I also was taking Benefiber for a few days while I was taking Vicodin. I might have had too much each day with it. It made my intestines hurt more than they already were. It helped with the constipation I had with the painkillers. I might try taking it once a day in the future, just to get more fiber. I'm always low on it. So, even if I didn't have colitis it might still be a good thing. I'll see how that goes. I managed to get to most things today, despite the shoulder still slightly hurting and my gut pain getting worse. 

I tried to eat lighter yesterday to help a bit. Haven't eaten much different today, I just have to figure something plain/bland for dinner again. Yesterday, I had a salmon onigiri (rice ball) and some vegetable spring rolls. They were pretty bland enough, and still really tasty. Maybe I'll have something with the rest of the spring rolls? Today, I've also gone back to being strict with tracking my calories (keeping to my 1200-1600 daily range) and such. I didn't last week, because I didn't really care and I was in a lot more pain. 

Went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond this weekend. I hadn't been to one in a very long time. I tend to forget what's actually there. There was a ton of kitchen/cooking stuff. Things that most places locally don't have. It was interesting to look at it all. My old mattress protector was ripped to shreds enough that I had to throw it out a couple of years ago. I had forgotten what it was called at the time, and kept telling myself I'll look for it online. It's difficult to sleep without it. Considering, it usually has some padding. It's felt like I've been sleeping on the floor or something ever since I threw the old one out. It even feels weird to the touch with my other linens on it. Anyways, they had them there. At first, I thought what I threw out was a mattress pad. That seemed too thick, though. I looked at the mattress protectors, and they seemed to be the right thing. I also looked at the info they had on mattress protectors and pads. They of course had the twin mattress protectors just barely within my reach. Almost had to jump for one of them. The one I picked supposedly keeps the bed cool, is hypoallergenic, and has other interesting features. When I took it out of its packaging, it felt nice and soft. I decided to wash it before I used it. Today was not only a laundry day, but also a day I usually launder my bed stuff. I do it every other week, along with my eye mask. Although, the mask has to be washed by hand. So, it worked out that way. Maybe I'll sleep better with the new mattress protector. At least, it'll be more normal.

I didn't get to writing more of Alliance 3 today. However, I did think more about the promos and my other books. I might lower the paperbacks' prices when the promos start on the 14th. That way I can have something close to a promo for them. It won't be the same as having Amazon promote the ebooks through Select, but it'll be something. Their Select program is only for the ebooks. I wish they had one for paperbacks. Maybe they will in the future. It's still kind of a new thing for them. Someone told me yesterday that they just got a copy of the cookbook and can't wait to use it. That's great! 

Went through the Adjectives and Adverbs unit for Chinese. I'm slowly getting better with the pronunciation. I get confused sometimes with the up and down tones. Had many 'perfect' sentences this time with speaking. They turn the color of the mispronounced words (sometimes parts of words) red when you get them wrong. Green is when you get them right. If they're all green, you get a quick 'perfect!'. I'm glad they highlight them this way. You know your weaknesses more. For the rest of it I've been doing really well. Even with the grammar and sentence structure. I'm getting better with quickly learning new characters, too. The next unit is Clothing. That should be interesting. 

Kuroshitsuji or Black Butler's manga had an update. It's put out monthly, although sometimes there's nothing for a couple of months. The story just keeps getting darker. I wonder what Undertaker's true relationship was to the Phantomhives. Yes, we know that he was in love with Ciel's grandmother. However, it seems much deeper than that. The Undertaker said he needed the bloodline to continue. Why? And, he seemed like bringing back 'our' Ciel's dead identical twin brother was only part of his plan. (We still don't know the true name of the one we've known as Ciel throughout the series. It's his dead brother's name.) I'm thinking he's planning to bring back Vincent. He's their father. A couple of the other shinigami showed up at the end of this chapter. After reading this one, more questions have sprung up.

I didn't much extra cleaning besides the laundry and cat stuff. I don't want to stress my shoulder too much. I did get to drawing today. Drew the assassin's head/bust from the first book of Alliance. She had no name in that book, she does have one now, but considering it's in the book I'm currently writing, I won't mention it yet. She's also like a bodyguard for one of the Dark Healers. She'll protect him, and kill anyone he tells her to. 

Started watching Satsuriku no Tenshi (Angels of Death or Slaughter) a couple of days ago. It's apparently based on a horror game. I like it so far. Puts more of a spin on it personally when the main character has the same name as me. They have quite a few things written out in English on the walls, too. It seems to be some sort of survival game. Rachel had witnessed a massacre, and went to see a therapist about it. At some point, she woke up from the session and walked out of the room. It seemed very different compared to the hospital before. She heard an announcement in an elevator that she was the next sacrifice. Each floor has a killer, and she has to get through them all. She met Isaac on one of the levels. He has a huge scythe and seems to be blood thirsty. He came close to killing her. She made it to another elevator just in time. On that floor, she met her therapist again. Turned out he was another 'killer' in the game. Only he seemed more interested in ripping out her eyes. After Isaac travels to that level and kills the therapist, he's branded as a sacrifice, too. He was not supposed to travel to another level. It ended with her wanting him to kill her. So, apparently they team up. I'm unsure how that will go. I wonder if it's real or something she made up. I guess that's part of it. I like psychological/horror/survival anime. Actually, pretty much any medium that has that combo. Hopefully, they can pull it off well. 

Close to finishing Shiyan Pin Jiating (Creatures Family Days). It's only been available in Chinese dub with English subs. It's supposed to be a Chinese and Japanese collab anyways. Very interesting to hear the Chinese while learning it this way. They even have Chinese subs above the English subs. So, I can try to read along with that at the same time. Although, that gets a bit difficult and dizzying. This is a much darker anime than it seemed at first. 

Started watching Hataraku Saibou or Cells at Work on Saturday. This one's interesting. It's about the world of cells in our bodies. The main characters are a red blood cell (rbc) and a white blood cell (wbc). I don't think they have actual names, but numbers with what type of cell they are. Like, Red Blood Cell 200. I think people that don't have any previous knowledge of biology won't truly get everything. They can see how things work, though. I like that they anthropomorphized all of them, and they've made it seem like an actual world. The white blood cells are hilarious to watch when they've found an invader. They immediately swarm it and scream things like: "Die, germs, die!" Then, they attack until the invaders become nothing but a bloody mess. It's rather violent, but that goes along with what actually happens. It's fitting that the red blood cells are mail people. They're constantly delivering things. It was the first day for the main rbc, and she was having a hard time finding where to go. She needed to go to the lungs. The platelets are cute little kids. The T-cells are even more crazy about killing things than the white blood cells. The main wbc met the rbc just after attacking a bacteria. He helped her find the lungs, and saved her when one of the bacteria found its way into the rbc's package. They got rid of him by stuffing him in a rocket and setting it off as a sneeze. It's also interesting to watch this from the perspective of having an autoimmune disease.

Started watching the 2nd season of Gintama.: Shirogane no Tamashii-hen (Gintama.: Silver Soul Arc) yesterday. I didn't realize it'd be out so soon. I get notifications from MyAnimeList of anime on my 'plan to watch' list that's about to premiere. It was nice to see. Gintama is my fave, and this is it's last season. (It's the 2nd half of the last arc.) So, it's bittersweet for me. The first episode didn't disappoint. I wonder how it's all going to end. 

Finished watching Samurai Gourmet on Netflix. It was cute. He slowly realized that you should enjoy your food however way you want. Also, that you should try to be adventurous, but old favorites are good to have as well. I like how they dealt with foreigners in one of the last episodes. They were at a yakiniku place, and the chef seemed to really hate foreigners. The retiree on the other hand thought that since they traveled so far, they should be treated with utmost respect. The fact they decided to come to Japan instead of somewhere else was something to be proud of. The foreigners in this one didn't understand Japanese, and the retiree helped them with figuring out the menu. The chef lectured the foreigners in Japanese when they started sprinkling red pepper flakes on the meat. The retiree was scared to confront the chef, but another man slightly older than him stepped in. He made the chef realize that what's important is that the customer should be able to eat their food however they want. They'll enjoy it more that way. The chef apologized and the waitress told them they can have something on the house for their troubles. The retiree tried it with some red pepper flakes, and said it made the meat even better. Next, I'll watch Million Yen Women on Netflix. I watched at least the first episode a while back. It's a weird one, and I'm unsure if I'll finish it.

Garlic Day!

I love garlic! One day to celebrate it is not enough! It's also Bicycle Day. I haven't ridden a bike in a long time. My current bike, one that I got when I was around 11, is deteriorating. It has sat in the garage for a while and bugs have chewed on the handle bars, seat, and tires. I tried to have it repaired a few years ago, but it didn't do much. As soon as I started to ride it, it deflated and seemed to reverse to the way it was before we brought it to the repair shop. I probably need a new one if I ever go back to riding a bike. I loved it as a tween/teen. In fact, it seemed like I couldn't get enough of it. It helped with getting me down to a normal weight when I got it. 

I've been feeling worse gut-wise lately. To me, it seems like I might actually be flaring again. Before, I was apparently feeling the effects of the scarring in my colon, but this is different. By the way, I love being in an IBD group and many have said that being in remission is not really something to be excited about. (Maybe a little happy...) You still suffer through a lot of the symptoms or side effects. Often with new ones, like with the scarring I had new types of pains/symptoms to deal with. They never completely go away. Going to the bathroom a lot more often, a lot more piercing-like pain in my gut, sometimes just breathing has set off more pain, etc. I've been really ravenous yet nauseous at the same time lately. That's been really weird. It's like I have an incredible urge to eat, but just the thought of eating makes me want to throw up. When I knew I was flaring in the past, I didn't have much of an appetite. So, this is different. However, I have read that things can be different with every flare. I've also had a more sluggish feeling when I wake up than usual. I figure if this stuff continues and/or becomes more severe, I'll either go to Urgent Care or email my primary. I don't trust my primary or GI, though. (I've mentioned the reasons in the past on here.)

I want to bring up top surgery with my primary soon. Just to go over it. I have more than one reason for top surgery. Not sure which one I'll use to talk to her about it. Should I come out to someone who treated me disrespectfully last time, or bring it up as preventing breast cancer? The breast cancer is a big thing. My mom had it, my mom's mom had it, and one of my mom's sisters had it. That's of the ones I know. I have an extremely high probability of getting it. (Not sure if I have the gene.) And, yes, I am scared of it. If I do get top surgery in the future, they would need to take most of it out. Not leave a little, like they do most of the time to make it look 'natural' and masculine. (Men usually aren't completely flat. They have a little something there.) Plus, nipples also get to me, so I'd tell them to not form ones for me. Often, they form new nipples from the patient's own tissue. Also, to make it look natural. I think people get sensation back with them eventually, too. 

I ordered a chest binder on Sunday and got it yesterday. That's pretty quick. It's called the Ultimate Chest Binder Tank from Underworks. It's very long and can be tucked in my jeans. It also mentioned that it compresses the stomach a bit, too. The 'compression' rating was 'extreme'. Also, was highly rated and one of their bestsellers. Including tax and shipping, it was $35. That's really not bad. There are a lot more expensive sites for them. If I had been 2 sizes bigger, it'd be $7 more. It adds more to the price the bigger you are at a certain point, and continues to up to their largest size. I was lucky considering I was small enough to not have the price increase. I thought I'd be a bigger size than I am. They have gotten smaller with losing weight, but I didn't think by much. I'm a large according to them, with 2 inches to spare until the next larger size. The model for it looked a bit strange, since they had compression underwear on as well. (I didn't know there was such a thing...) That was slightly distracting in visualizing it for myself. 

I wore it yesterday. Wanted to see what it was like right away, and see what others thought. It wasn't as difficult to get into as I expected. I couldn't put it on the way they suggested, because of my hips being too wide. They suggest putting your legs through the neck hole, and then pulling the whole thing up. It bunched at my hips. So, I put it over my head like a shirt instead. I've read some trans men and enbies have to do it that way, since some of us are curvier than others. It was a little difficult to get both arms through the holes. Then, the whole thing bunched up with my hair, at my armpits. So, I had to wrestle a bit while making sure I didn't rip my hair out. I think I still ended up getting long strands of hair underneath the binder. However, I noticed those ticklish strands were symmetric on either side of me, so it might be apart of the actual binder. I only felt that when I moved my arms up. It's a bit longer than what it showed on the model. It actually covers most of my butt. It's supposed to end at my hips. I don't think I had it on straight at first. While out somewhere in the bathroom, I readjusted it a bit and it fit a lot better. Didn't feel it much after that. 

It definitely seemed to make my breasts disappear, which was a nice thing to see. The only part I didn't like much was while looking down at myself, it seems to make my gut look bigger. Seemingly turning me into a ball...However, looking at it in a mirror after it was readjusted, it wasn't as pronounced as I thought. In fact, I seemed to look a little thinner. It just was my perspective playing tricks on me. Things fit differently, too. Things like seat belts were positioned differently. That was very interesting. I know it makes it more of a 'masculine' shape, so it would be different, but I didn't expect things to be by that much. 

It's a bit stiff to move around in. That might change as I break it in. I only noticed a slight breathing issue after wearing it for about 4 hours. I wasn't really out of breath, but it was like my breaths weren't fully being taken in. I also started to get sharp jabs of pain in my abdomen. That might have actually been related to my colitis, though. I immediately took it off when we got home anyways. I panicked for a moment as I tried to get it off. I felt stuck. Out of frustration, I shoved it down as hard as I could off of me. It actually worked. Maybe stepping into it would work if I bunched it up, pull it up quickly, and then undid that once it got over my hips. It kind of was like the opposite of that getting it off. I felt like I broke it, but that would be difficult to do. Might try that next time. 

They say you should never wear them for more than 12 hours, and it's advisable to wear up to 8 hours max. I think I'm going to start with a couple of hours each time and maybe add more time slowly to it. 4 hours might have been too long for a first wear. I didn't cough after getting it off like people suggest. Apparently, it's to clear your lungs. I didn't wear it today, because I think I still feel a little weird respiratory-wise. I hope to wear it tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.

I posted about it on my fb page, the enby fb group, and Instagram. Got a lot of likes and loves so far. A friend I knew from high school asked what the reason behind the binder was. I had talked about the binder stuff and how I'm dysphoric about my chest a lot lately on fb. So, this threw me off a bit. Maybe she didn't realize it or see those posts? Or was surprised? She seemed understanding when I explained it. It's ok to ask questions, but seemed odd. I noticed after my explanation and another post related to it, 2 friends defriended me on fb. I can't figure out who dropped me. I thought it was some of my conservative family and friends, but all of them are still there. In one way I feel a little hurt, but in another way happy about it. Maybe they were transphobic and actually realized that I was trans? Or, they didn't approve of what I was doing? I don't need people like them in my friends' list anyways. 

There was a local trans meeting last night. Partially why I wanted to wear my binder right away. Most of the meeting was taken up by basically one person saying how angry they were with the group not being the way they want it, talking about their trans cafe/building ideas (we still don't have a permanent place), arguing with others, etc. Most stuff that has been discussed to death in the group already. It was very off putting. We did go over a couple of other topics, but she really did dominate the time. Another person that came late also seemed angry about Pride stuff. Things we honestly have already discussed with that, too. She wanted to put the burden of Pride stuff on someone else. These people never talk in the online group about all this, which is basically where it needs to be done. Other members can give more input, too. 

I also have some personal issues with the person who was angry with the group. She still sees me as a woman. She doesn't get a lot of the stuff I talk about. She doesn't have to, but she does need to be respectful. When I first brought up that I was agender, she said there are many different types of women out there. Yes, there are. But, I'm not one of them. When I use air quotes around feminine in relation to myself, she immediately corrects me and says it is feminine. For example, I mentioned my 'feminine' hairstyle. She immediately said it definitely is. No, it's mine. It's considered feminine by society, but it's my style. Hard to describe why it felt so weird. Or, how about bringing up that I sometimes like makeup and doing my nails, and she responded with: "Don't we gals all love that stuff?!" Also, she seems to put some sort of sexual thing to everything. Not in a dirty humor sort of way, but creepy. 

She kept referring to my binder as a corset. When I told her it wasn't one, she said it practically is. No, just no...Corsets deal with shaping the waist. Binders deal with the chest, and bind or compress breasts. If worn correctly and with the right size, they don't actually permanently shape anything. I do have to say, there are horror stories of people not binding correctly. You can break ribs, end up with chronic respiratory problems, bruise the area, rip chunks off (some people use duct tape, and that's one of the outcomes with that), etc. That's why I'm going to try my best with being mindful and safe about it. 

I'm up to 200 pages in total with writing both Alliance 3 and the cookbook. I'm glad I got over my wall with Alliance, however I've been skipping writing it more often lately. I've been getting up later because of whatever is going on with me. (Possible flare.) I still have a lot of ideas, so hopefully I can get back into it again soon. I'm still rearranging the cookbook. Just got into the dessert sections with that. Not much left. After that, I'll go through to edit some more and/or make sure things are the way they should be. I might look at other cookbooks again to see if I still like the template I have at the moment or the order the sections are in. 

I finished watching the most current season of Gintama (Silver Soul). It was amazing. I love how the women are so strong in it, and how every character has a role to play. There were a ton of old characters that reappeared. Some of them we hadn't seen since the beginning of the series. (It's a long series.) That was a treat. I missed some of them. Apparently the final season will be coming up soon. I don't want it to end. It's an amazing series. 

Finished Miira no Kaikata (How to Keep a Mummy). It was one of the cutest anime I've seen. It also had a dark tone not only to the humor, but the story as well. I like that sort of thing. I want a little miira-kun...They're so cute and loving. (We don't know the gender of any of the baby creatures.) The dream-eating tapir was interesting, too. The humans taking care of these creatures (there was a baby dragon and oni or demon too) weren't exactly 'normal' themselves. I like that Sora has a 'feminine' side. His friend, Tazuki, thinks he should be embarrassed about it and is confused that he's not. Tazuki seems cold and aloof most of the time. He's also very protective of Sora. He got the baby oni, which was fitting. Another character had a sleep issue. Every time he slept, he'd have violent nightmares, sleep walk during them, and act out. He tried to go without sleep, but would end up sleeping during school, and beat up people. After the tapir found him, his nightmares disappeared (the tapir was eating them), he was happier, and his real personality came out. The girl in the group is super strong physically, and has an unusual fear of reptiles. Odd for her to get the dragon. In fact, she tried to kill them at first. 

Started watching Saredo Tsumibito wa Ryuu to Odoru or Dances with the Dragons. It's interesting and I'm unsure if I like it or not. Started watching Devils Line. I was unsure about this one after the first episode. Second one made me like it quite a bit. It's a vampire anime, but much more mature and violent than most are. Should be interesting to see where this one goes.

Started watching Shiyan Pin Jiating. That's actually adapted from a Chinese manhua or comic. So, it's a Chinese and Japanese anime collab. That one has been really intriguing. The only downside so far is they're about half as long as usual for each episode. It's about a family where the parents are scientists and have left their children behind. All but one of those children are made from experiments. That one 'human' is the only one that seems to be taking charge of taking care of everyone. He's also very intelligent. One of the sisters is part spider. She has 4 spider legs in addition to her 'human' legs and arms. She also spits acid on her food and likes to hunt insects. Another sister is part plant and only needs sunlight and water to survive. She sometimes grows things from her body. Another sister is psychic and doesn't talk much. The other brother is part dog. He turns into one whenever he's excited. It reminds me of Kyouran Kazoku Nikki or Diary of a Crazed Family. All the family members, except one, weren't really 'human'. One's part cat, another jellyfish, another lion, etc. Very much like it actually. But, they were descendants of a G-d, not experiments. I loved that show, and I like the concept. So, this is my kind of thing. Started watching the 3rd season of Boku no (My) Hero Academia. This has become one of my faves.

Still watching the 2nd season of Saiki Kusuo no Psi-nan or the Disastrous Life of Saiki Kusuo. With every episode, I love this series more and more. It can be a bit difficult to get into at first, considering they talk really fast in this one. Kusuo basically said he was aro, and it's hinted he's ace as well. He has no interest in romance, doesn't understand the point of it, and has never felt romantically attracted to anyone. He doesn't seem attracted to people sexually, either. He does care deeply for his friends and family, and as long as it doesn't involve him directly, he tries to help them with their romantic pursuits/issues. With the most recent episode, he's proven how incredibly overpowered he is with his psychic abilities yet again. He has set a time loop that repeats a year 4 times so far. The earth shifts back a year each time, but he uses mind control over the people. They don't age and they think it's just another day in that year with each passing year. It's a bit confusing. This way new things do pop up, but earth-based events are the same. He's doing all this so a volcano doesn't destroy Japan. He has been trying to figure out how to stop it without destroying the entire world himself. His pink hairpins inhibit his abilities. If both of them came off, he'd unknowingly destroy everything. Maybe even the universe. His glasses inhibit his visual abilities, thin gloves inhibit his abilities based on touch, etc. I love the concept behind his character and story. He's constantly helping people without them even realizing it. He finds a lot of it a chore, but feels good about it afterwards. There are a lot of other interesting characters, too.

Still watching One Piece. I have a little over 150 episodes until I catch up to the current ones. Getting close. It's a very long series. I'm surprised I've made it this far this quickly. (I'm not watching a lot of episodes at once.) I like it a lot. It's not necessarily my favorite, nothing could compare to Gintama to me, but it's getting close. Also, it helps that the main character, Luffy, is aro ace. (Confirmed by the creator.) He only has interest in food and adventure. He thinks of his crew as family and loves animals. Treats animals almost like he does humans, unless he's hungry. He tames them easily, too. The arcs seem to be getting longer and longer. Joker or Doflamingo, the current villain, is the only villain so far that has the perfect evil laugh. He seems to be the most clever, vindictive, and ruthless one, too. Black Clover has been good, too.

The 2 recent manga I finished (they're on the side list) were good. Much better than expected. One of them had way too much romance at times, though. The 2 onesthat I started (also on the other list) have been good, as well.


I've also been keeping up with drawing character heads from Alliance. (I always found the word 'bust' odd for heads in art...) I've finished 9 of them so far. People seem to like them, even though I see so many mistakes and they're not exactly what's in my head. There are so many more characters...It's quite a project. I have noticed that drawing them is taking less time with each 'head'. So, that's good.

National Milk Day!

I don't like it by itself, but if it's in or with things, it's great! Drinking it, by itself, has always given me a weird reaction. It's the same one I get with most juices. My throat starts to close up, I get phlegmy, and it eventually feels like I'm suffocating. Not sure if it's a very mild allergic reaction or what, but it's always been that way for me. I apparently have no problem with chocolate milk...It's confusing that way. It's great for cooking, baking, adding to drinks like chai or hot chocolate, making cheese, ice cream, etc. A very versatile liquid. It should be appreciated for that. 

I might be leading a Tu B'Shevat seder. Tu B'Shevat is our New Year for the Trees. The name is actually a stylized way of saying the date of it. The 15th of Shevat, which on the regular calendar starts the night of January 30th and goes until sundown the next day. I didn't realize it was so soon. It's a rather minor, but beautiful holiday. Most people go for walks, hike, plant trees, and generally outside stuff. 

A rather new custom is having a seder for it. Seder is basically a ritual meal. It lit. means order, so things go in a certain 'order'. Most people think of Passover when they hear 'seder'. This seder has Kabbalistic roots, which might be out there for some. (It's Jewish mysticism.) I think it makes it even more interesting and philosophical. Each season is represented by a different colored wine. Going from white to red. (If I remember correctly.) People like me who can't have alcohol have white and regular grape juice. We mix them a certain amount for the in between seasons. Each season has a different set of fruit and nuts to eat. We eat a lot of fruit and nuts for it...I think we're supposed to eat at least one fruit or nut we haven't had yet. 

My mom led Tu B'Shevat seders for a few years. People loved it. For many people, even though most were Jewish, hadn't heard of this seder. It inspired others to do it with the local congregations, too. I haven't actually been to one in several years. I still have Mom's haggadah (books to follow along with) printouts, and her notes on what type of fruit and nuts to get. The guests we'll have, I think, are colleagues of Dad's. They don't know much about Judaism, so this would be an interesting introduction. They might be interested in the Passover one, too. That's not until the end of March. The Tu B'Shevat seder should be interesting. I'm not sure why I feel excited about it. I do like the seder itself, so maybe that's part of it. Maybe it's also the chance to educate people in a way. 

I also decided to start learning German through Duolingo. I haven't really studied my Japanese in a long time, and I think I was tired of it. I love learning languages, and I think I like it most when I switch to different ones at some point. 

I started learning Hebrew when I was 7. Didn't do much conversational until a few years later. If there are vowels, I can read it fluently. Might only understand about half of it. It's different without the vowels...

When I was in high school and trying to decide on a language, I was somewhat leaning towards German. Some of my ancestors spoke it. Some also spoke Yiddish, which is a mix of mostly German, Hebrew, and a little of Russian. It's written out in Hebrew. So, it felt like I'd be connecting to my ancestors in some way. However, I'm not sure why, I decided to take French instead. I loved it, but I also felt a little pull to learning German someday. I did well with French, and took every class available for it. I think my teacher was sick of seeing me.

In college, I took Russian. I took it with a somewhat similar mindset as I would have with German. Again, I had other ancestors that spoke Russian, and some of those spoke Yiddish. I liked it a lot, and was doing well. I became very sick, and unfortunately had to drop it. It felt familiar in some way.

I was kind of thinking about starting Korean, but thought why not try what I wanted to first back in high school? I'm surprised at how much I already know. For the most part, it's rather easy so far. I'm finding the somewhat challenging parts are the verb endings, and occasionally getting a little confused by the masculine and feminine nouns. They don't really go over that sort of stuff on Duolingo. It seems they just expect you to memorize the correct way for certain sentences. I might want to look at online sites for that stuff. I'm still doing well on Duolingo with it. I'm even pronouncing it correctly according to them. They quiz you on pronunciation by having you repeat what was said into the mic. I haven't been wrong yet with that. You can do that on the quizzes/practice sessions, as well as just having a conversation with their bots. I haven't chatted with them yet. I also have a German keyboard on my phone now. Maybe in the future I'll go back to Russian.

I've decided to stop with restricting my calories starting tonight. I've felt increasingly nauseated for the last week, and I think it had something to do with it. I might go back to the unbalanced, as far as calories go, meals. I guess my system likes to have fewer calories for breakfast and snacks, and more for dinner. I don't think my system liked having everything so exact, too. So for now, I'm not going to care. I will try to get more protein, at least. I can think of the other nutrition stuff.

I'm almost done with watching the 2nd season of Boku no Hero Academia (My Hero Academia). I've been pleasantly surprised by this series. The creator said that they were heavily inspired by American comics, and you can tell. Especially with the number 1 hero, All Might. Almost everyone in their world has a quirk or special ability. There are quirk users who are mutants, too. Asui is one of them, being part frog. She can basically do anything a frog can, and she's one of the best characters. The main character, Midoriya or Deku, was born without a quirk. He later inherits one. He finally managed to figure out how to control it. It's even cooler now. I like that he actually thinks things through, and is one of the smartest in his class. So many shounen series have the main character not thinking first before acting, or being completely clueless. This one's different. The main villain is interesting, too. He has hands all over him, including one on his face. He has a quirk that can decay things when he touches them. More villains are slowly being introduced. There's going to be another season starting in April. I'd be surprised if they didn't have another one, considering I'm up to the final episode and it still feels like they're setting up the story.

Started Miira no Kaikata (How to Keep a Mummy) today. I didn't know what this one would be like. It was really good. Full of comedy, and the mummy is super cute. I don't feel like things are 'super cute' often. It's like a tiny wrapped up blob with tiny limbs and big white eyes. It often cries rivers of tears, and is painfully shy. Doesn't seem very mummy-like. Besides the wrapping around its body. Sora's father likes sending him weird otherworldly things from his travels. The mummy was one of them. He found it in Egypt, shipped it to his son in a coffin, and gave him a very thick manual of a letter. The mummy broke out of its coffin, and Sora was expecting it to be deadly. Instead he realized that the mummy was pitifully weak, yet really cute. He called it Mii-kun. Mii-kun was mimicking Sora's dog for a while. It learned how to bark, and tried to eat dog food. It really wants to impress Sora and is terrified it'll be sent back. From the intro/outro it seems other people get little 'monsters'. 

Started the last season of Gintama. It's bittersweet. This is my fave anime, and possibly show in general. Hopefully, they'll make it long. I think the manga is still going, even though the creator said it was ending soon. So, there's at least a little more time. The first episode was amazing! It actually gave me chills down my spine. Should be interesting to see where the story goes. They also had so many characters appear! Some we haven't seen since the very first few episodes. Still no shinsengumi yet. They should make an appearance soon.

Kino no Tabi (Kino's Travels): The Beautiful World has been good. I don't remember much of the original movie that I saw years ago, but it seems to have a slightly different atmosphere. I do remember that Hermes, a motorcycle, would talk to Kino and no one else could hear him. It made people think Kino had a mental illness or something wasn't quite 'right' with her. In this version people can clearly hear him, and have even kept up conversations with him. Quite a different aspect. People (viewers and even characters) still get confused about her gender. She doesn't 'act' or dress like a girl. She's an extremely good sniper, too. The animation seems better. The stories of the places she goes to are still really twisted. There's always something more to them. Often the countries she goes to turn out to be really violent or have odd views on killing others. The last one I watched was a bit different. The country was once corrupt and rude to travelers. Then, they realized a volcano was going to erupt and wipe out their beloved country, so they changed their attitude. They tried to be the kindest country they could be. Kino liked it there. The next day after she left, the country was destroyed. There was also one where you lose all memories of your time there, but they make sure you have a great stay. That one seemed to make her really frustrated. Especially when Hermes said he was allowed to remember everything, but couldn't tell her. 

I've managed to keep up with writing the next sequel to Alliance. I'm surprised at how fast that one's coming along. The cookbook has been interesting so far. Today I wrote out all 6 of the really old Tyson Cornish game hen recipes. There was very small type and it was fading. They sounded really good. I'm tempted to make some of them. One was garlic based, another one was Asian-styled with mandarin oranges, another one was champagne based, etc. Even just the sauces sounded good. 

1st Day of Sukkot

Wow! It's already Sukkot! It lit. means the Feast of Booths. It lasts for a week. We build temporary structures or huts/booths, and dwell in them during the holiday. Many people eat all their meals in them during the week. Some spend most of their time in it, including sleeping. There has to be an open side and holes big enough in the 'roof' so you can see the stars. It's a harvest holiday. It's supposed to be one of the most joyous holidays. Hospitality is usually a big thing with it, too. People invite others to enjoy it. That includes people who aren't Jewish and are 'strangers'. 

We don't have one up, and I didn't really want it. It's getting pretty cold out there. We used to put one up, and invite neighbors, friends, and members of the local congregations. Usually, we'd invite them to dinner there. My mom had bought a kit that had all the lumber specifications, instructions, braces, bolts, etc. She got the lumber correctly sized, and with the help of others put it together. We still have it, but it's not in good shape. (In fact, it might be rotting.) It's dismantled, of course. Haven't used it since a year before Mom passed away. So, about 6 years. We usually would put tree branches over the roof part. Then, we'd decorate it with pinecones, fake fruit, lilacs one year, and other harvest-themed stuff. 

It's Mental Illness Awareness Week. I never knew about this type of awareness week. It started in 1990, and NAMI or the National Alliance of Mental Illness is behind it. I tend to not talk much about my own mental illnesses. However, after people were speculating about another gunman being mentally ill, it got me fed up. I feel people need to hear more about what it's really like to live with something like this. There's far too much stigma behind it. We're a lot more likely to kill ourselves than go on a killing spree. I can't remember the studies I've seen on it, but it's pretty interesting to see the difference in percentages. 

I guess I can share what I actually have. How else will people learn about them? My main mental illness is type 2 Bipolar Disorder. Type 2 can be quite a bit different than type 1. It's often very hard to diagnose. Type 2's don't get the euphoric high for their mania. Instead, ours makes us easily irritated, quick to anger, have racing thoughts, think we can do a million things at once, and more. Our lows are much lower than type 1's. (It's interesting to see graphs comparing the highs and lows of both.) We're one of the most at risk groups for suicide. The scary part that I've realized with myself and through therapists, is that we tend to not have a reason for being suicidal. I usually hear people say they're suicidal because they're in too much physical pain (like with an incurable disease), because they feel they have no other option, want an escape, etc. Ours isn't really like that. We just have the urge. Therapists have told me that I've probably had type 2 Bipolar since I was a little kid. I started to become suicidal when I was 14, though. Started cutting for a short time around then. I stopped being suicidal almost as soon as I started taking lamotrigine. Became stable/balanced, and seemingly 'normal', as well. It's like my miracle med. Therapy helped a lot along with it.

I also have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), agoraphobia, been sexually abused, anxiety issues, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) tendencies, and probably forgetting one or two other things. 

Agoraphobia is lit. a fear of markets. It's usually referred to as a fear of crowds of people. I can get panic attacks if I'm in a big enough crowd. My pulse increases, feel like I'm constantly in the way, people are judging me, there's no escape, the walls are closing in on me, bouts of nausea, etc. It's not a pleasant experience. The odd thing is it's not as bad when I'm around certain groups of people. Like, a large group of friends, Pride events, and certain festivals. 

Having OCD tendencies is weird. Mainly weird because it's not full blown OCD. I wash my hands until their raw (and sometimes bleeding), I'll check on certain things like locks multiple times, I'll be very careful about what I post online looking at it over and over, and more. It's not always like this. Usually it's when I'm nervous about something. 

Still keeping up with writing almost every day. Up to almost 230 pages in total. (Roughly half each for the sequel and memoir.) That's a lot. For the memoir, the physical health chapter got so long, I had to split it further. IBD has its own chapter now. I didn't realize how much that would have taken up in the physical health one. I feel like I just started the sequel to Alliance. There's so much more the story has to offer. Probably why it's best to make it a longer series. 

Been practicing my clarinet almost every day still, too. I did increase the time to 45 minutes this week. It feels like it flies by now. As I'm practicing more, I'm noticing silly mistakes I've taught myself for years...Kind of embarrassing, but at least I'm noticing them. I tried to correct them yesterday and today, which made me sound a bit clumsy and shaky. I just need to practice more to perfect that. I played Irish tunes during the entire time today. Most of the mistakes I've noticed have been with those. 

Saw the first episode of the new season of Gintama. It looks like they're going back to their gag and parody roots for this one. Seems like a fluffy season, or one to give fans a break from the intenseness of the recent season/arcs. It's even called the Slip Arc. I'm happy with seeing the old-type of Gintama stuff. They say the next season will be the last. I think they're trying to prolong it as much as possible. I'm good with that. I don't want it to end.

Saw the first episode of Black Clover, and it was better than I expected. Mages are granted grimoires, which are magic books in this world, when they're 15. Everyone seems to gain magical powers at a very early age in their world. Asta is one that didn't have a trace of magic before he went to get his grimoire. He seems to yell a little too much. He was the only one that didn't get a grimoire during the ceremony. His showed up towards the end of the episode. It's apparently one of the most powerful. It has a 5-leaf clover on it, which was unheard of. Each leaf symbolizes something. The 5th is demonic, 4th luck, and the others are things like peace, love, and faith. (I think.) His rival, who's somewhat like a brother, got a 4-leaf one. Everyone thought he was the most gifted. I say somewhat like a brother because they were both left at an orphanage at the same time, and grew up together. Some parts seem very cliche, and some are unique and interesting. I'll stick around for this one. 

Started Ousama Game or King's game today. This one looks pretty good. It's a horror anime centered around a survival game. If people don't follow the rules of the game, they'll be punished to death. With just this first episode, 10 students have died. It asks the students to do certain things, and most of the time they only have 24 hours to do them. The main character is the lone survivor of another Ousama Game. He thought that since he won, he could start a new life at a new school. He was sick of it, and didn't want to do his first task. He was ready to die. It was to kiss the girl that has been trying to befriend him. I think he realized it would kill her too if they didn't kiss, and waited to the last minute. The reason why so many students started dying was an order came while they were sleeping. They were told to stay awake at all costs. This seemed really unfair. How would they know if they were asleep beforehand? They were all hanged. Then another student's punishment was to bleed to death, because he was beating up the main character. The text said it didn't order that. It turns out no one knows who or what is behind it. It reminds me vaguely of many other anime. Apparently, the manga has the prequel with the main character in the previous game. I'm slightly tempted to read that.

Recently, started reading the manga Shuuen no Shiori or Bookmark of Demise. It's based on the Vocaloid music video series of the same name. It's a horror one. Also, a survival game. This one is based on urban legends. The most semi-normal main character is A-ya. They're names all start with a letter, and common ending in Japanese. The only messed up thing about him was his obsession with rumors and the occult. Mild compared to the others. Each character's pov seemed more demented. B-ko tried to put up a facade of the perfect girl. C-ta was obsessed with protecting A-ya. He seemed like a stalker. He bugged A-ya's room, was jealous when he talked to others, thought that A-ya needed him for everything, and more serious things. D-ne was truly messed up. She 'loved' B-ko so much she wanted to be her. Just like some themes in horror movies, and some detective shows. A-ya was killed first, and he was the only one who tried to do what the letter told him to do. He didn't want to die. His was to play hide-and-seek by himself. The urban legend this is based on is super creepy. It turned out C-ta saw A-ya following the instructions of the game, and he thought A-ya was an imposter, then killed him. C-ta was soon killed by not reading his letter and talking to someone he wasn't supposed to. B-ko's was an imposter game. D-ne killed her thinking B-ko was a fake, but also wanting to become her. D-ne had a monkey paw. All her wishes were based on becoming B-ko. Her last wish was to avoid her demise. However, she became B-ko, therefore B-ko's demise would be hers instead. So, another B-ko killed her, since hers was on doppelgängers. The legend where if you see yours, you die. Apparently, there are alternate worlds with 'true' endings. I'm about to start reading the 'true' one. I wonder if their personalities will be different? Maybe it'll be with totally different characters? It's very interesting. 

Starting to feel heavier, more intense, pain lately. I'm not sure if it's something I've been eating or if it's unavoidable. I have to call the gastroenterology department soon to schedule a phone appointment with my new gastro (I'll use this with her too, even though she's not an MD). She told me to make one for the end of the month.

21st of Elul 5777

The last day of Elul will be on September 20th, and that night will be the start of Rosh Hashanah or our New Year. (For us, it'll be the year 5778.) It'll also be the start of the month of Tishri. As well as the start of the High Holy Days, which lasts for 10 days. They begin with Rosh Hashanah and end with Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is lit. the Day of Atonement. Those 10 days are a time of introspection. Reflecting on the previous year, and thinking about what we can do better in the coming year. It's kind of a bittersweet time. Happy, yet somber. 

Again, I won't be able to fast for Yom Kippur this year. I have to have food with my meds, and the meds wouldn't work as well for me without food anyways. Not good for someone with IBD to strictly go without food for so long, either. It'd be considered a sin if I didn't eat, because of all this, too. A similar one to if someone was healthy enough to fast, but didn't. It still gets to me every year for that holiday.

This is my wallpaper for September. From left to right: Takasugi, Gintoki, Katsura, and Sakamoto from Gintama. This is when they fought along side each other during the war against the Amanto (aliens). They're in their more traditional samurai outfits. This was also before they had split up. Takasugi becomes a rather complex enemy through most of the series. Gintoki is the leader of Odd Jobs, and helps people in his neighborhood usually. (He's the main character, and just in case people didn't know about him.) Katsura sometimes helps Gintoki from the sidelines, and they actually seem like they're still close friends. Katsura's basically a terrorist who hates the government. Sakamoto's hardly in the series, yet he's important too. (He shows up a lot more in the last season.) He's a space pirate who's good at doing business with aliens. He has helped both Gintoki and Katsura occasionally. He's a goofball, but very clever. I miss this show. It's my fave anime. There's going to be a new season soon. It'll most likely be the last one, sadly. The last couple of seasons were really serious. Not nearly as much comedy as they normally have. I miss that humor, too. Although, it was still awesome! 

The Pusheen calendar has her in an apron and chef's hat. It says: "Let's bake!" over her head. There are all sorts of baking utencils around her. Apparently, she made some sort of mixture in a big bowl, there's a cracked egg shell near it, and she was rolling some sort of dough with a rolling pin. She's happily sitting in the middle looking at it all. Also, has her front paws put together. There's a cupcake in the actual calendar part. It's cute. There's definitely a theme for some of the last few months. What with her own cafe and now baking stuff...Last month was different with the mermaid, though. (Or is it mercat?) 

The month-long holidays for September are: National Biscuit Month, National Breakfast Month, National Chicken Month, National Honey Month, National Potato Month, National Rice Month, National Cheese Month, Classical Music Month, National Piano Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun. 

I've had my iPhone for 3 years now. It's a 5c. It's been amazing, and I can't really imagine life without it now. I never had a smart phone before it. The mobile phone I had before wasn't the greatest. At least, it had a calendar, calculator, a few games, and notes on it. It was a lot harder to navigate. Feels kind of novel just to touch the screen. It really is like a mini computer, too. It feels like I've had it for a longer time than that. 

I've been sick with a nasty cold since the 3rd. It's a lot better than it was towards the beginning, but it's still lingering. It has mostly affected my nose, sinuses, made me dizzy, warm, the air hurts my eyes, and given me a sore throat. At one point, I did have a fever. Luckily, that quickly got better. Occasionally, I've felt cold and hot at the same time. That has felt weird and annoying. 

When it was at its worst, we were having a heatwave of about 90 degrees each day with heavy, sometimes hazardous, smoke. Normally with the heat and smoke, that would be a miserable combo. However, being sick during that time felt horrendous. Almost like nature was against me, too. The smoke was from the eastern Washington wildfires this time. (I'm from the western side of the state.) Before, it was the wildfires from Canada and then Oregon. For the last couple of days, it's been nice and cool, and there doesn't seem to be much smoke. A lot more tolerable. I'm still sick of being sick. Makes it difficult to do stuff, or even eat at times. I've gone through probably an entire tissue box already, and I still have a very runny nose. 

The week before last I managed to practice my clarinet every day, except during that weekend. That was nice. Hadn't gotten to it in a long time. Played better than I thought I would. Obviously, it wasn't perfect, but much better. 

I didn't get to it last week. Mainly because of how sick I was. I managed to practice yesterday and today, though. It was hard to play while at the same time I could barely breathe normally, and my nose was going. I had to take a lot more breaks than usual. Couldn't finish a phrase in one go, either. I'm still happy I was able to do it. Today, I mostly played jazz tunes and a few pieces from my advanced classical music book. It was pretty decent sounding today, too.

The week before last, I managed to write more of both books each day. (Again, except for that weekend.) I didn't write at all last week. I did end up getting to it yesterday and today, though. I've written about 170 pages all together. That's roughly 340 pages in paperback. Quite a lot. Got to another chapter today for the memoir. The previous one was about college, and this one will be about mental health stuff. This will probably be the toughest chapter for me. After this one, it'll be on 'physical' health. That one will have a lot to it, too. The college one was about 12 pages long, and I think it's the longest chapter so far. Moving along quickly with the sequel to Alliance, as well. I'm not sure where it's headed, but it has been fun so far. Also, had some ideas on the cover recently for it. All I'll share on that is it'll still incorporate the teardrop somehow. While writing out the ideas for it, it sounded cool. 

Went to the Washington State Fair on the 3rd. That was fun, even though I was starting to get sick then. I was a little disappointed that the cats and dogs weren't there. They would be later on that week. It was really warm that day. It seemed to take a toll on the animals. They looked so hot. The barns they were in weren't air conditioned. It sometimes felt warmer than outside. I can't imagine having fur in that sort of heat, either. 

We also went through the big insect exhibit. That building had ac. The insects looked happier. I didn't want to see the big spiders alive or their dead mounts, but I liked seeing the other insects. I don't have the same 'issues' with them. They had the big versions of stick bugs. I had the small ones as pets when I was little. I thought they were cool until they multiplied. They ended up getting into everything, and I didn't expect them to do that so quickly. They were worse than the stereotype with bunnies. 

The best animatronic there was probably the preying mantis. The arms completely unfurled, and the movements were cool. The worst was probably the caterpillar. It didn't do much besides loudly grumble and wiggle slightly. Sad. They could have done a lot with that one.

The produce displays were cool. So was seeing the largest pumpkins and largest cabbage there. The cabbage broke the state record. If I remember correctly, it was 65 pounds. That's a lot. 

The collectors' exhibit was really interesting. Some really went all out. There were collections on pez dispensers, legos, Elvis, Paddington Bear, clocks, matchbooks, Americana, and so much more. I was surprised by this one. 

I had an M&M's caramel apple there. I was surprised that they'd cut it for people. Made it easier to eat. It was really good. I don't have caramel apples that often. Makes them more of a treat when I do have them that way. That's the only thing I ate there. There were a lot of tasty looking stuff. I don't know if that was because I was starting to feel sick or something else. I just didn't feel like eating more.

Eventually, the heat was getting to us, so we left a little early. I needed to be somewhere with ac, and was thirsty. So, we went to Elmer's for dinner. I tried their special, which was pumpkin pancakes. It was pretty good. 

Before going to the fair, I got new sunglasses. This time, I didn't care about which side I looked at. That being the women's or men's section. It was a nice and freeing feeling to not care. I think I chose a pair that could have been found in either section. 

I think only looking at the women's section (or women's stuff in general) was influenced by my mom, and just wanting to conform. My mom only looked at the men's watches and shirts occasionally because they were cheaper. Everything else had to come from the women's section. She was strict on that stuff. I don't think people know that freeing feeling unless you're trans. Especially, for me, being agender or other enbies. It's hard to describe. Like I was forced to be a certain way either by society in general, or family and friends unintentionally. Then, the idea that I can 'allow' myself to not care breaks that. It was a small thing, but a nice step I think. 

When I wrote about it in a status on facebook, a couple of people seemed to not really 'get it'. They said things like: "I like men's bathrobes more." "I love men's pj's and dress shirts." I know they probably didn't mean it this way, but it felt like it was similar to women can like men's stuff, too. Yeah, that's true they can. That's great if they do, too. I'm not a woman or a man, though. It kind of feels like the argument that there are all types of women out there, and you're still one you're just confused. Like there's no such thing as being enby. That doesn't sit well with me. Again, I know they didn't mean it this way, but that's how it comes off to me. I honestly want to explore more of what might give me that freeing feeling or good (not sure if that's the right word...) feeling towards 'gendered' things again. It was great. Didn't get much of a response on this in the enby group I'm in on facebook. They don't seem that active, so I might look for another one. There was one person who loved it, and gave me a nice comment at least.

About a couple of weeks ago I started getting baby ads through the mail. Last week I got a big and heavy box of baby formula samples. The last time I got this stuff was when I started college, and it didn't stop until a few years later. I kind of understand at that age. Now...not so much. I also was getting Marlboro ads and samples back then. It got so bad, I had to call them. I've never smoked, and I've never had an interest in it. They were giving me things a lot more often than the baby product people. That's the weird thing with that time and now, the baby product stuff has been from different companies. A little more difficult to stop. Plus, baby and smoking stuff at the same time was bizarre. Maybe they were confused? 

Personally, I'm still iffy about having a baby. I've kind of always wanted one. For the mom and baby stuff, it can be very gendered. That seems like a slight headache for me. The idea that something might be growing inside me is scary. Sometimes, I think of it as like the Sims or an rpg where you can see what a couple's baby will look like. A fun sort of experiment that way, but not in an emotionless way like it might sound...I think it'd be cool to have a little me, too. I'd want them to have their own personality and such, but it still would nice. I think I'd have it done medically and not the 'old fashioned' way. It can be strange for aro aces to not do it medically. I wouldn't want to have a baby now, that's for sure. But, then there's the whole nature's 'clock' thing. If I wait long enough, I suppose I'd settle for adoption. Something about biological ones feels better to me.

It can be difficult for people with IBD to have kids, too. Although, some can have them. I also feel like someday I'm going to want my uterus/ovaries out. Mainly because of health issues, not necessarily gender. Although, recently I have thought about getting a double mastectomy. The main reason's because my mom had breast cancer, my mom's mom had it, and one of her sisters had it, too. I don't even know about others, because they never share that stuff. I saw what it did to my mom, and I don't want that. That's a pretty big reason in itself. 

Gender-wise I feel they're too big. I'd probably want a reduction if there wasn't a family history of breast cancer. This way I can fit into things better, and they wouldn't weird me out as much. Without them, it might still be better for me. They wouldn't get in the way, either. If I did have a baby, I would use formula instead. The whole thing about breast feeding weirds me out anyways. Something about it...I know it's healthier for them, but it just wouldn't feel right for me. 

Recently someone, in a general LGBTQ+ group on facebook, asked when people realized their sexuality, and how late in life is too late. Like, what's the cut off age or something. I think the first time I knew I was like this was when I was 8 or 9. Much earlier for my gender. Essentially, when adults started splitting boys and girls up, and treated us differently. Just didn't have the words yet. At 16, I denied it. At 31 (just over a year ago), I realized and embraced being ace. Realized I was aro around late October that year. Realized my gender much more recently. I think it can take an entire lifetime, and even then someone might never know their sexuality. Some might deny it their entire lives, too. This can also be applied to gender. It's sad. I think I read an article a while back about a man who realized he was gay on his deathbed. He didn't know what he felt towards men was actually sexual attraction. He just thought every man was supposed to get married to a woman and have kids. Just going through the motions. It's cool he realized it, but sad it took so long. 

Finished watching Shetland on Netflix. It was pretty good. Sometimes, it dragged a bit. It was interesting to see the landscape, and the accent was cool to hear. Most of the cases were 2-parters. However, the last season was all one case. So, it was 6 episodes long. Not sure if there will be another season. 

Also, started watching a Taiwanese mystery series on Netflix called Close Your Eyes Before It's Dark. It's surprisingly good. It's about a high school reunion of a hiking club that vacation at a cabin in the woods. They used to play a game that has the same name as the show's title. Where they pick cards, and whoever gets the joker is the killer. Once everyone closes their eyes, the killer picks the victim he killed during the night. Then, they open their eyes, and the victim is revealed. They have to guess who killed them. In the present, people are actually being killed. They realize it's actually one of their own, but they don't know who yet. It has been kind of comical when they cut to the corpses, and they're talking to each other. The first person who was killed was even more funny by herself. They don't actually move, which makes it creepier. So far, only 2 have been killed. I think another one will happen very soon. They set it up in an interesting way. Each episode is an hour and a half. Really long, but they keep the tension going the entire time. I like the opening sequence, too. Very artfully done, and a bit edgy. Although, it seems to have spoilers. They hint at the deaths. With the first 2, I've noticed that they've shown things related to them. Like a gun firing off. The background music is great, as well.