Garlic Day!

I love garlic! One day to celebrate it is not enough! It's also Bicycle Day. I haven't ridden a bike in a long time. My current bike, one that I got when I was around 11, is deteriorating. It has sat in the garage for a while and bugs have chewed on the handle bars, seat, and tires. I tried to have it repaired a few years ago, but it didn't do much. As soon as I started to ride it, it deflated and seemed to reverse to the way it was before we brought it to the repair shop. I probably need a new one if I ever go back to riding a bike. I loved it as a tween/teen. In fact, it seemed like I couldn't get enough of it. It helped with getting me down to a normal weight when I got it. 

I've been feeling worse gut-wise lately. To me, it seems like I might actually be flaring again. Before, I was apparently feeling the effects of the scarring in my colon, but this is different. By the way, I love being in an IBD group and many have said that being in remission is not really something to be excited about. (Maybe a little happy...) You still suffer through a lot of the symptoms or side effects. Often with new ones, like with the scarring I had new types of pains/symptoms to deal with. They never completely go away. Going to the bathroom a lot more often, a lot more piercing-like pain in my gut, sometimes just breathing has set off more pain, etc. I've been really ravenous yet nauseous at the same time lately. That's been really weird. It's like I have an incredible urge to eat, but just the thought of eating makes me want to throw up. When I knew I was flaring in the past, I didn't have much of an appetite. So, this is different. However, I have read that things can be different with every flare. I've also had a more sluggish feeling when I wake up than usual. I figure if this stuff continues and/or becomes more severe, I'll either go to Urgent Care or email my primary. I don't trust my primary or GI, though. (I've mentioned the reasons in the past on here.)

I want to bring up top surgery with my primary soon. Just to go over it. I have more than one reason for top surgery. Not sure which one I'll use to talk to her about it. Should I come out to someone who treated me disrespectfully last time, or bring it up as preventing breast cancer? The breast cancer is a big thing. My mom had it, my mom's mom had it, and one of my mom's sisters had it. That's of the ones I know. I have an extremely high probability of getting it. (Not sure if I have the gene.) And, yes, I am scared of it. If I do get top surgery in the future, they would need to take most of it out. Not leave a little, like they do most of the time to make it look 'natural' and masculine. (Men usually aren't completely flat. They have a little something there.) Plus, nipples also get to me, so I'd tell them to not form ones for me. Often, they form new nipples from the patient's own tissue. Also, to make it look natural. I think people get sensation back with them eventually, too. 

I ordered a chest binder on Sunday and got it yesterday. That's pretty quick. It's called the Ultimate Chest Binder Tank from Underworks. It's very long and can be tucked in my jeans. It also mentioned that it compresses the stomach a bit, too. The 'compression' rating was 'extreme'. Also, was highly rated and one of their bestsellers. Including tax and shipping, it was $35. That's really not bad. There are a lot more expensive sites for them. If I had been 2 sizes bigger, it'd be $7 more. It adds more to the price the bigger you are at a certain point, and continues to up to their largest size. I was lucky considering I was small enough to not have the price increase. I thought I'd be a bigger size than I am. They have gotten smaller with losing weight, but I didn't think by much. I'm a large according to them, with 2 inches to spare until the next larger size. The model for it looked a bit strange, since they had compression underwear on as well. (I didn't know there was such a thing...) That was slightly distracting in visualizing it for myself. 

I wore it yesterday. Wanted to see what it was like right away, and see what others thought. It wasn't as difficult to get into as I expected. I couldn't put it on the way they suggested, because of my hips being too wide. They suggest putting your legs through the neck hole, and then pulling the whole thing up. It bunched at my hips. So, I put it over my head like a shirt instead. I've read some trans men and enbies have to do it that way, since some of us are curvier than others. It was a little difficult to get both arms through the holes. Then, the whole thing bunched up with my hair, at my armpits. So, I had to wrestle a bit while making sure I didn't rip my hair out. I think I still ended up getting long strands of hair underneath the binder. However, I noticed those ticklish strands were symmetric on either side of me, so it might be apart of the actual binder. I only felt that when I moved my arms up. It's a bit longer than what it showed on the model. It actually covers most of my butt. It's supposed to end at my hips. I don't think I had it on straight at first. While out somewhere in the bathroom, I readjusted it a bit and it fit a lot better. Didn't feel it much after that. 

It definitely seemed to make my breasts disappear, which was a nice thing to see. The only part I didn't like much was while looking down at myself, it seems to make my gut look bigger. Seemingly turning me into a ball...However, looking at it in a mirror after it was readjusted, it wasn't as pronounced as I thought. In fact, I seemed to look a little thinner. It just was my perspective playing tricks on me. Things fit differently, too. Things like seat belts were positioned differently. That was very interesting. I know it makes it more of a 'masculine' shape, so it would be different, but I didn't expect things to be by that much. 

It's a bit stiff to move around in. That might change as I break it in. I only noticed a slight breathing issue after wearing it for about 4 hours. I wasn't really out of breath, but it was like my breaths weren't fully being taken in. I also started to get sharp jabs of pain in my abdomen. That might have actually been related to my colitis, though. I immediately took it off when we got home anyways. I panicked for a moment as I tried to get it off. I felt stuck. Out of frustration, I shoved it down as hard as I could off of me. It actually worked. Maybe stepping into it would work if I bunched it up, pull it up quickly, and then undid that once it got over my hips. It kind of was like the opposite of that getting it off. I felt like I broke it, but that would be difficult to do. Might try that next time. 

They say you should never wear them for more than 12 hours, and it's advisable to wear up to 8 hours max. I think I'm going to start with a couple of hours each time and maybe add more time slowly to it. 4 hours might have been too long for a first wear. I didn't cough after getting it off like people suggest. Apparently, it's to clear your lungs. I didn't wear it today, because I think I still feel a little weird respiratory-wise. I hope to wear it tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.

I posted about it on my fb page, the enby fb group, and Instagram. Got a lot of likes and loves so far. A friend I knew from high school asked what the reason behind the binder was. I had talked about the binder stuff and how I'm dysphoric about my chest a lot lately on fb. So, this threw me off a bit. Maybe she didn't realize it or see those posts? Or was surprised? She seemed understanding when I explained it. It's ok to ask questions, but seemed odd. I noticed after my explanation and another post related to it, 2 friends defriended me on fb. I can't figure out who dropped me. I thought it was some of my conservative family and friends, but all of them are still there. In one way I feel a little hurt, but in another way happy about it. Maybe they were transphobic and actually realized that I was trans? Or, they didn't approve of what I was doing? I don't need people like them in my friends' list anyways. 

There was a local trans meeting last night. Partially why I wanted to wear my binder right away. Most of the meeting was taken up by basically one person saying how angry they were with the group not being the way they want it, talking about their trans cafe/building ideas (we still don't have a permanent place), arguing with others, etc. Most stuff that has been discussed to death in the group already. It was very off putting. We did go over a couple of other topics, but she really did dominate the time. Another person that came late also seemed angry about Pride stuff. Things we honestly have already discussed with that, too. She wanted to put the burden of Pride stuff on someone else. These people never talk in the online group about all this, which is basically where it needs to be done. Other members can give more input, too. 

I also have some personal issues with the person who was angry with the group. She still sees me as a woman. She doesn't get a lot of the stuff I talk about. She doesn't have to, but she does need to be respectful. When I first brought up that I was agender, she said there are many different types of women out there. Yes, there are. But, I'm not one of them. When I use air quotes around feminine in relation to myself, she immediately corrects me and says it is feminine. For example, I mentioned my 'feminine' hairstyle. She immediately said it definitely is. No, it's mine. It's considered feminine by society, but it's my style. Hard to describe why it felt so weird. Or, how about bringing up that I sometimes like makeup and doing my nails, and she responded with: "Don't we gals all love that stuff?!" Also, she seems to put some sort of sexual thing to everything. Not in a dirty humor sort of way, but creepy. 

She kept referring to my binder as a corset. When I told her it wasn't one, she said it practically is. No, just no...Corsets deal with shaping the waist. Binders deal with the chest, and bind or compress breasts. If worn correctly and with the right size, they don't actually permanently shape anything. I do have to say, there are horror stories of people not binding correctly. You can break ribs, end up with chronic respiratory problems, bruise the area, rip chunks off (some people use duct tape, and that's one of the outcomes with that), etc. That's why I'm going to try my best with being mindful and safe about it. 

I'm up to 200 pages in total with writing both Alliance 3 and the cookbook. I'm glad I got over my wall with Alliance, however I've been skipping writing it more often lately. I've been getting up later because of whatever is going on with me. (Possible flare.) I still have a lot of ideas, so hopefully I can get back into it again soon. I'm still rearranging the cookbook. Just got into the dessert sections with that. Not much left. After that, I'll go through to edit some more and/or make sure things are the way they should be. I might look at other cookbooks again to see if I still like the template I have at the moment or the order the sections are in. 

I finished watching the most current season of Gintama (Silver Soul). It was amazing. I love how the women are so strong in it, and how every character has a role to play. There were a ton of old characters that reappeared. Some of them we hadn't seen since the beginning of the series. (It's a long series.) That was a treat. I missed some of them. Apparently the final season will be coming up soon. I don't want it to end. It's an amazing series. 

Finished Miira no Kaikata (How to Keep a Mummy). It was one of the cutest anime I've seen. It also had a dark tone not only to the humor, but the story as well. I like that sort of thing. I want a little miira-kun...They're so cute and loving. (We don't know the gender of any of the baby creatures.) The dream-eating tapir was interesting, too. The humans taking care of these creatures (there was a baby dragon and oni or demon too) weren't exactly 'normal' themselves. I like that Sora has a 'feminine' side. His friend, Tazuki, thinks he should be embarrassed about it and is confused that he's not. Tazuki seems cold and aloof most of the time. He's also very protective of Sora. He got the baby oni, which was fitting. Another character had a sleep issue. Every time he slept, he'd have violent nightmares, sleep walk during them, and act out. He tried to go without sleep, but would end up sleeping during school, and beat up people. After the tapir found him, his nightmares disappeared (the tapir was eating them), he was happier, and his real personality came out. The girl in the group is super strong physically, and has an unusual fear of reptiles. Odd for her to get the dragon. In fact, she tried to kill them at first. 

Started watching Saredo Tsumibito wa Ryuu to Odoru or Dances with the Dragons. It's interesting and I'm unsure if I like it or not. Started watching Devils Line. I was unsure about this one after the first episode. Second one made me like it quite a bit. It's a vampire anime, but much more mature and violent than most are. Should be interesting to see where this one goes.

Started watching Shiyan Pin Jiating. That's actually adapted from a Chinese manhua or comic. So, it's a Chinese and Japanese anime collab. That one has been really intriguing. The only downside so far is they're about half as long as usual for each episode. It's about a family where the parents are scientists and have left their children behind. All but one of those children are made from experiments. That one 'human' is the only one that seems to be taking charge of taking care of everyone. He's also very intelligent. One of the sisters is part spider. She has 4 spider legs in addition to her 'human' legs and arms. She also spits acid on her food and likes to hunt insects. Another sister is part plant and only needs sunlight and water to survive. She sometimes grows things from her body. Another sister is psychic and doesn't talk much. The other brother is part dog. He turns into one whenever he's excited. It reminds me of Kyouran Kazoku Nikki or Diary of a Crazed Family. All the family members, except one, weren't really 'human'. One's part cat, another jellyfish, another lion, etc. Very much like it actually. But, they were descendants of a G-d, not experiments. I loved that show, and I like the concept. So, this is my kind of thing. Started watching the 3rd season of Boku no (My) Hero Academia. This has become one of my faves.

Still watching the 2nd season of Saiki Kusuo no Psi-nan or the Disastrous Life of Saiki Kusuo. With every episode, I love this series more and more. It can be a bit difficult to get into at first, considering they talk really fast in this one. Kusuo basically said he was aro, and it's hinted he's ace as well. He has no interest in romance, doesn't understand the point of it, and has never felt romantically attracted to anyone. He doesn't seem attracted to people sexually, either. He does care deeply for his friends and family, and as long as it doesn't involve him directly, he tries to help them with their romantic pursuits/issues. With the most recent episode, he's proven how incredibly overpowered he is with his psychic abilities yet again. He has set a time loop that repeats a year 4 times so far. The earth shifts back a year each time, but he uses mind control over the people. They don't age and they think it's just another day in that year with each passing year. It's a bit confusing. This way new things do pop up, but earth-based events are the same. He's doing all this so a volcano doesn't destroy Japan. He has been trying to figure out how to stop it without destroying the entire world himself. His pink hairpins inhibit his abilities. If both of them came off, he'd unknowingly destroy everything. Maybe even the universe. His glasses inhibit his visual abilities, thin gloves inhibit his abilities based on touch, etc. I love the concept behind his character and story. He's constantly helping people without them even realizing it. He finds a lot of it a chore, but feels good about it afterwards. There are a lot of other interesting characters, too.

Still watching One Piece. I have a little over 150 episodes until I catch up to the current ones. Getting close. It's a very long series. I'm surprised I've made it this far this quickly. (I'm not watching a lot of episodes at once.) I like it a lot. It's not necessarily my favorite, nothing could compare to Gintama to me, but it's getting close. Also, it helps that the main character, Luffy, is aro ace. (Confirmed by the creator.) He only has interest in food and adventure. He thinks of his crew as family and loves animals. Treats animals almost like he does humans, unless he's hungry. He tames them easily, too. The arcs seem to be getting longer and longer. Joker or Doflamingo, the current villain, is the only villain so far that has the perfect evil laugh. He seems to be the most clever, vindictive, and ruthless one, too. Black Clover has been good, too.

The 2 recent manga I finished (they're on the side list) were good. Much better than expected. One of them had way too much romance at times, though. The 2 onesthat I started (also on the other list) have been good, as well.


I've also been keeping up with drawing character heads from Alliance. (I always found the word 'bust' odd for heads in art...) I've finished 9 of them so far. People seem to like them, even though I see so many mistakes and they're not exactly what's in my head. There are so many more characters...It's quite a project. I have noticed that drawing them is taking less time with each 'head'. So, that's good.