Garlic Day!

I love garlic! One day to celebrate it is not enough! It's also Bicycle Day. I haven't ridden a bike in a long time. My current bike, one that I got when I was around 11, is deteriorating. It has sat in the garage for a while and bugs have chewed on the handle bars, seat, and tires. I tried to have it repaired a few years ago, but it didn't do much. As soon as I started to ride it, it deflated and seemed to reverse to the way it was before we brought it to the repair shop. I probably need a new one if I ever go back to riding a bike. I loved it as a tween/teen. In fact, it seemed like I couldn't get enough of it. It helped with getting me down to a normal weight when I got it. 

I've been feeling worse gut-wise lately. To me, it seems like I might actually be flaring again. Before, I was apparently feeling the effects of the scarring in my colon, but this is different. By the way, I love being in an IBD group and many have said that being in remission is not really something to be excited about. (Maybe a little happy...) You still suffer through a lot of the symptoms or side effects. Often with new ones, like with the scarring I had new types of pains/symptoms to deal with. They never completely go away. Going to the bathroom a lot more often, a lot more piercing-like pain in my gut, sometimes just breathing has set off more pain, etc. I've been really ravenous yet nauseous at the same time lately. That's been really weird. It's like I have an incredible urge to eat, but just the thought of eating makes me want to throw up. When I knew I was flaring in the past, I didn't have much of an appetite. So, this is different. However, I have read that things can be different with every flare. I've also had a more sluggish feeling when I wake up than usual. I figure if this stuff continues and/or becomes more severe, I'll either go to Urgent Care or email my primary. I don't trust my primary or GI, though. (I've mentioned the reasons in the past on here.)

I want to bring up top surgery with my primary soon. Just to go over it. I have more than one reason for top surgery. Not sure which one I'll use to talk to her about it. Should I come out to someone who treated me disrespectfully last time, or bring it up as preventing breast cancer? The breast cancer is a big thing. My mom had it, my mom's mom had it, and one of my mom's sisters had it. That's of the ones I know. I have an extremely high probability of getting it. (Not sure if I have the gene.) And, yes, I am scared of it. If I do get top surgery in the future, they would need to take most of it out. Not leave a little, like they do most of the time to make it look 'natural' and masculine. (Men usually aren't completely flat. They have a little something there.) Plus, nipples also get to me, so I'd tell them to not form ones for me. Often, they form new nipples from the patient's own tissue. Also, to make it look natural. I think people get sensation back with them eventually, too. 

I ordered a chest binder on Sunday and got it yesterday. That's pretty quick. It's called the Ultimate Chest Binder Tank from Underworks. It's very long and can be tucked in my jeans. It also mentioned that it compresses the stomach a bit, too. The 'compression' rating was 'extreme'. Also, was highly rated and one of their bestsellers. Including tax and shipping, it was $35. That's really not bad. There are a lot more expensive sites for them. If I had been 2 sizes bigger, it'd be $7 more. It adds more to the price the bigger you are at a certain point, and continues to up to their largest size. I was lucky considering I was small enough to not have the price increase. I thought I'd be a bigger size than I am. They have gotten smaller with losing weight, but I didn't think by much. I'm a large according to them, with 2 inches to spare until the next larger size. The model for it looked a bit strange, since they had compression underwear on as well. (I didn't know there was such a thing...) That was slightly distracting in visualizing it for myself. 

I wore it yesterday. Wanted to see what it was like right away, and see what others thought. It wasn't as difficult to get into as I expected. I couldn't put it on the way they suggested, because of my hips being too wide. They suggest putting your legs through the neck hole, and then pulling the whole thing up. It bunched at my hips. So, I put it over my head like a shirt instead. I've read some trans men and enbies have to do it that way, since some of us are curvier than others. It was a little difficult to get both arms through the holes. Then, the whole thing bunched up with my hair, at my armpits. So, I had to wrestle a bit while making sure I didn't rip my hair out. I think I still ended up getting long strands of hair underneath the binder. However, I noticed those ticklish strands were symmetric on either side of me, so it might be apart of the actual binder. I only felt that when I moved my arms up. It's a bit longer than what it showed on the model. It actually covers most of my butt. It's supposed to end at my hips. I don't think I had it on straight at first. While out somewhere in the bathroom, I readjusted it a bit and it fit a lot better. Didn't feel it much after that. 

It definitely seemed to make my breasts disappear, which was a nice thing to see. The only part I didn't like much was while looking down at myself, it seems to make my gut look bigger. Seemingly turning me into a ball...However, looking at it in a mirror after it was readjusted, it wasn't as pronounced as I thought. In fact, I seemed to look a little thinner. It just was my perspective playing tricks on me. Things fit differently, too. Things like seat belts were positioned differently. That was very interesting. I know it makes it more of a 'masculine' shape, so it would be different, but I didn't expect things to be by that much. 

It's a bit stiff to move around in. That might change as I break it in. I only noticed a slight breathing issue after wearing it for about 4 hours. I wasn't really out of breath, but it was like my breaths weren't fully being taken in. I also started to get sharp jabs of pain in my abdomen. That might have actually been related to my colitis, though. I immediately took it off when we got home anyways. I panicked for a moment as I tried to get it off. I felt stuck. Out of frustration, I shoved it down as hard as I could off of me. It actually worked. Maybe stepping into it would work if I bunched it up, pull it up quickly, and then undid that once it got over my hips. It kind of was like the opposite of that getting it off. I felt like I broke it, but that would be difficult to do. Might try that next time. 

They say you should never wear them for more than 12 hours, and it's advisable to wear up to 8 hours max. I think I'm going to start with a couple of hours each time and maybe add more time slowly to it. 4 hours might have been too long for a first wear. I didn't cough after getting it off like people suggest. Apparently, it's to clear your lungs. I didn't wear it today, because I think I still feel a little weird respiratory-wise. I hope to wear it tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.

I posted about it on my fb page, the enby fb group, and Instagram. Got a lot of likes and loves so far. A friend I knew from high school asked what the reason behind the binder was. I had talked about the binder stuff and how I'm dysphoric about my chest a lot lately on fb. So, this threw me off a bit. Maybe she didn't realize it or see those posts? Or was surprised? She seemed understanding when I explained it. It's ok to ask questions, but seemed odd. I noticed after my explanation and another post related to it, 2 friends defriended me on fb. I can't figure out who dropped me. I thought it was some of my conservative family and friends, but all of them are still there. In one way I feel a little hurt, but in another way happy about it. Maybe they were transphobic and actually realized that I was trans? Or, they didn't approve of what I was doing? I don't need people like them in my friends' list anyways. 

There was a local trans meeting last night. Partially why I wanted to wear my binder right away. Most of the meeting was taken up by basically one person saying how angry they were with the group not being the way they want it, talking about their trans cafe/building ideas (we still don't have a permanent place), arguing with others, etc. Most stuff that has been discussed to death in the group already. It was very off putting. We did go over a couple of other topics, but she really did dominate the time. Another person that came late also seemed angry about Pride stuff. Things we honestly have already discussed with that, too. She wanted to put the burden of Pride stuff on someone else. These people never talk in the online group about all this, which is basically where it needs to be done. Other members can give more input, too. 

I also have some personal issues with the person who was angry with the group. She still sees me as a woman. She doesn't get a lot of the stuff I talk about. She doesn't have to, but she does need to be respectful. When I first brought up that I was agender, she said there are many different types of women out there. Yes, there are. But, I'm not one of them. When I use air quotes around feminine in relation to myself, she immediately corrects me and says it is feminine. For example, I mentioned my 'feminine' hairstyle. She immediately said it definitely is. No, it's mine. It's considered feminine by society, but it's my style. Hard to describe why it felt so weird. Or, how about bringing up that I sometimes like makeup and doing my nails, and she responded with: "Don't we gals all love that stuff?!" Also, she seems to put some sort of sexual thing to everything. Not in a dirty humor sort of way, but creepy. 

She kept referring to my binder as a corset. When I told her it wasn't one, she said it practically is. No, just no...Corsets deal with shaping the waist. Binders deal with the chest, and bind or compress breasts. If worn correctly and with the right size, they don't actually permanently shape anything. I do have to say, there are horror stories of people not binding correctly. You can break ribs, end up with chronic respiratory problems, bruise the area, rip chunks off (some people use duct tape, and that's one of the outcomes with that), etc. That's why I'm going to try my best with being mindful and safe about it. 

I'm up to 200 pages in total with writing both Alliance 3 and the cookbook. I'm glad I got over my wall with Alliance, however I've been skipping writing it more often lately. I've been getting up later because of whatever is going on with me. (Possible flare.) I still have a lot of ideas, so hopefully I can get back into it again soon. I'm still rearranging the cookbook. Just got into the dessert sections with that. Not much left. After that, I'll go through to edit some more and/or make sure things are the way they should be. I might look at other cookbooks again to see if I still like the template I have at the moment or the order the sections are in. 

I finished watching the most current season of Gintama (Silver Soul). It was amazing. I love how the women are so strong in it, and how every character has a role to play. There were a ton of old characters that reappeared. Some of them we hadn't seen since the beginning of the series. (It's a long series.) That was a treat. I missed some of them. Apparently the final season will be coming up soon. I don't want it to end. It's an amazing series. 

Finished Miira no Kaikata (How to Keep a Mummy). It was one of the cutest anime I've seen. It also had a dark tone not only to the humor, but the story as well. I like that sort of thing. I want a little miira-kun...They're so cute and loving. (We don't know the gender of any of the baby creatures.) The dream-eating tapir was interesting, too. The humans taking care of these creatures (there was a baby dragon and oni or demon too) weren't exactly 'normal' themselves. I like that Sora has a 'feminine' side. His friend, Tazuki, thinks he should be embarrassed about it and is confused that he's not. Tazuki seems cold and aloof most of the time. He's also very protective of Sora. He got the baby oni, which was fitting. Another character had a sleep issue. Every time he slept, he'd have violent nightmares, sleep walk during them, and act out. He tried to go without sleep, but would end up sleeping during school, and beat up people. After the tapir found him, his nightmares disappeared (the tapir was eating them), he was happier, and his real personality came out. The girl in the group is super strong physically, and has an unusual fear of reptiles. Odd for her to get the dragon. In fact, she tried to kill them at first. 

Started watching Saredo Tsumibito wa Ryuu to Odoru or Dances with the Dragons. It's interesting and I'm unsure if I like it or not. Started watching Devils Line. I was unsure about this one after the first episode. Second one made me like it quite a bit. It's a vampire anime, but much more mature and violent than most are. Should be interesting to see where this one goes.

Started watching Shiyan Pin Jiating. That's actually adapted from a Chinese manhua or comic. So, it's a Chinese and Japanese anime collab. That one has been really intriguing. The only downside so far is they're about half as long as usual for each episode. It's about a family where the parents are scientists and have left their children behind. All but one of those children are made from experiments. That one 'human' is the only one that seems to be taking charge of taking care of everyone. He's also very intelligent. One of the sisters is part spider. She has 4 spider legs in addition to her 'human' legs and arms. She also spits acid on her food and likes to hunt insects. Another sister is part plant and only needs sunlight and water to survive. She sometimes grows things from her body. Another sister is psychic and doesn't talk much. The other brother is part dog. He turns into one whenever he's excited. It reminds me of Kyouran Kazoku Nikki or Diary of a Crazed Family. All the family members, except one, weren't really 'human'. One's part cat, another jellyfish, another lion, etc. Very much like it actually. But, they were descendants of a G-d, not experiments. I loved that show, and I like the concept. So, this is my kind of thing. Started watching the 3rd season of Boku no (My) Hero Academia. This has become one of my faves.

Still watching the 2nd season of Saiki Kusuo no Psi-nan or the Disastrous Life of Saiki Kusuo. With every episode, I love this series more and more. It can be a bit difficult to get into at first, considering they talk really fast in this one. Kusuo basically said he was aro, and it's hinted he's ace as well. He has no interest in romance, doesn't understand the point of it, and has never felt romantically attracted to anyone. He doesn't seem attracted to people sexually, either. He does care deeply for his friends and family, and as long as it doesn't involve him directly, he tries to help them with their romantic pursuits/issues. With the most recent episode, he's proven how incredibly overpowered he is with his psychic abilities yet again. He has set a time loop that repeats a year 4 times so far. The earth shifts back a year each time, but he uses mind control over the people. They don't age and they think it's just another day in that year with each passing year. It's a bit confusing. This way new things do pop up, but earth-based events are the same. He's doing all this so a volcano doesn't destroy Japan. He has been trying to figure out how to stop it without destroying the entire world himself. His pink hairpins inhibit his abilities. If both of them came off, he'd unknowingly destroy everything. Maybe even the universe. His glasses inhibit his visual abilities, thin gloves inhibit his abilities based on touch, etc. I love the concept behind his character and story. He's constantly helping people without them even realizing it. He finds a lot of it a chore, but feels good about it afterwards. There are a lot of other interesting characters, too.

Still watching One Piece. I have a little over 150 episodes until I catch up to the current ones. Getting close. It's a very long series. I'm surprised I've made it this far this quickly. (I'm not watching a lot of episodes at once.) I like it a lot. It's not necessarily my favorite, nothing could compare to Gintama to me, but it's getting close. Also, it helps that the main character, Luffy, is aro ace. (Confirmed by the creator.) He only has interest in food and adventure. He thinks of his crew as family and loves animals. Treats animals almost like he does humans, unless he's hungry. He tames them easily, too. The arcs seem to be getting longer and longer. Joker or Doflamingo, the current villain, is the only villain so far that has the perfect evil laugh. He seems to be the most clever, vindictive, and ruthless one, too. Black Clover has been good, too.

The 2 recent manga I finished (they're on the side list) were good. Much better than expected. One of them had way too much romance at times, though. The 2 onesthat I started (also on the other list) have been good, as well.


I've also been keeping up with drawing character heads from Alliance. (I always found the word 'bust' odd for heads in art...) I've finished 9 of them so far. People seem to like them, even though I see so many mistakes and they're not exactly what's in my head. There are so many more characters...It's quite a project. I have noticed that drawing them is taking less time with each 'head'. So, that's good.

National Milk Day!

I don't like it by itself, but if it's in or with things, it's great! Drinking it, by itself, has always given me a weird reaction. It's the same one I get with most juices. My throat starts to close up, I get phlegmy, and it eventually feels like I'm suffocating. Not sure if it's a very mild allergic reaction or what, but it's always been that way for me. I apparently have no problem with chocolate milk...It's confusing that way. It's great for cooking, baking, adding to drinks like chai or hot chocolate, making cheese, ice cream, etc. A very versatile liquid. It should be appreciated for that. 

I might be leading a Tu B'Shevat seder. Tu B'Shevat is our New Year for the Trees. The name is actually a stylized way of saying the date of it. The 15th of Shevat, which on the regular calendar starts the night of January 30th and goes until sundown the next day. I didn't realize it was so soon. It's a rather minor, but beautiful holiday. Most people go for walks, hike, plant trees, and generally outside stuff. 

A rather new custom is having a seder for it. Seder is basically a ritual meal. It lit. means order, so things go in a certain 'order'. Most people think of Passover when they hear 'seder'. This seder has Kabbalistic roots, which might be out there for some. (It's Jewish mysticism.) I think it makes it even more interesting and philosophical. Each season is represented by a different colored wine. Going from white to red. (If I remember correctly.) People like me who can't have alcohol have white and regular grape juice. We mix them a certain amount for the in between seasons. Each season has a different set of fruit and nuts to eat. We eat a lot of fruit and nuts for it...I think we're supposed to eat at least one fruit or nut we haven't had yet. 

My mom led Tu B'Shevat seders for a few years. People loved it. For many people, even though most were Jewish, hadn't heard of this seder. It inspired others to do it with the local congregations, too. I haven't actually been to one in several years. I still have Mom's haggadah (books to follow along with) printouts, and her notes on what type of fruit and nuts to get. The guests we'll have, I think, are colleagues of Dad's. They don't know much about Judaism, so this would be an interesting introduction. They might be interested in the Passover one, too. That's not until the end of March. The Tu B'Shevat seder should be interesting. I'm not sure why I feel excited about it. I do like the seder itself, so maybe that's part of it. Maybe it's also the chance to educate people in a way. 

I also decided to start learning German through Duolingo. I haven't really studied my Japanese in a long time, and I think I was tired of it. I love learning languages, and I think I like it most when I switch to different ones at some point. 

I started learning Hebrew when I was 7. Didn't do much conversational until a few years later. If there are vowels, I can read it fluently. Might only understand about half of it. It's different without the vowels...

When I was in high school and trying to decide on a language, I was somewhat leaning towards German. Some of my ancestors spoke it. Some also spoke Yiddish, which is a mix of mostly German, Hebrew, and a little of Russian. It's written out in Hebrew. So, it felt like I'd be connecting to my ancestors in some way. However, I'm not sure why, I decided to take French instead. I loved it, but I also felt a little pull to learning German someday. I did well with French, and took every class available for it. I think my teacher was sick of seeing me.

In college, I took Russian. I took it with a somewhat similar mindset as I would have with German. Again, I had other ancestors that spoke Russian, and some of those spoke Yiddish. I liked it a lot, and was doing well. I became very sick, and unfortunately had to drop it. It felt familiar in some way.

I was kind of thinking about starting Korean, but thought why not try what I wanted to first back in high school? I'm surprised at how much I already know. For the most part, it's rather easy so far. I'm finding the somewhat challenging parts are the verb endings, and occasionally getting a little confused by the masculine and feminine nouns. They don't really go over that sort of stuff on Duolingo. It seems they just expect you to memorize the correct way for certain sentences. I might want to look at online sites for that stuff. I'm still doing well on Duolingo with it. I'm even pronouncing it correctly according to them. They quiz you on pronunciation by having you repeat what was said into the mic. I haven't been wrong yet with that. You can do that on the quizzes/practice sessions, as well as just having a conversation with their bots. I haven't chatted with them yet. I also have a German keyboard on my phone now. Maybe in the future I'll go back to Russian.

I've decided to stop with restricting my calories starting tonight. I've felt increasingly nauseated for the last week, and I think it had something to do with it. I might go back to the unbalanced, as far as calories go, meals. I guess my system likes to have fewer calories for breakfast and snacks, and more for dinner. I don't think my system liked having everything so exact, too. So for now, I'm not going to care. I will try to get more protein, at least. I can think of the other nutrition stuff.

I'm almost done with watching the 2nd season of Boku no Hero Academia (My Hero Academia). I've been pleasantly surprised by this series. The creator said that they were heavily inspired by American comics, and you can tell. Especially with the number 1 hero, All Might. Almost everyone in their world has a quirk or special ability. There are quirk users who are mutants, too. Asui is one of them, being part frog. She can basically do anything a frog can, and she's one of the best characters. The main character, Midoriya or Deku, was born without a quirk. He later inherits one. He finally managed to figure out how to control it. It's even cooler now. I like that he actually thinks things through, and is one of the smartest in his class. So many shounen series have the main character not thinking first before acting, or being completely clueless. This one's different. The main villain is interesting, too. He has hands all over him, including one on his face. He has a quirk that can decay things when he touches them. More villains are slowly being introduced. There's going to be another season starting in April. I'd be surprised if they didn't have another one, considering I'm up to the final episode and it still feels like they're setting up the story.

Started Miira no Kaikata (How to Keep a Mummy) today. I didn't know what this one would be like. It was really good. Full of comedy, and the mummy is super cute. I don't feel like things are 'super cute' often. It's like a tiny wrapped up blob with tiny limbs and big white eyes. It often cries rivers of tears, and is painfully shy. Doesn't seem very mummy-like. Besides the wrapping around its body. Sora's father likes sending him weird otherworldly things from his travels. The mummy was one of them. He found it in Egypt, shipped it to his son in a coffin, and gave him a very thick manual of a letter. The mummy broke out of its coffin, and Sora was expecting it to be deadly. Instead he realized that the mummy was pitifully weak, yet really cute. He called it Mii-kun. Mii-kun was mimicking Sora's dog for a while. It learned how to bark, and tried to eat dog food. It really wants to impress Sora and is terrified it'll be sent back. From the intro/outro it seems other people get little 'monsters'. 

Started the last season of Gintama. It's bittersweet. This is my fave anime, and possibly show in general. Hopefully, they'll make it long. I think the manga is still going, even though the creator said it was ending soon. So, there's at least a little more time. The first episode was amazing! It actually gave me chills down my spine. Should be interesting to see where the story goes. They also had so many characters appear! Some we haven't seen since the very first few episodes. Still no shinsengumi yet. They should make an appearance soon.

Kino no Tabi (Kino's Travels): The Beautiful World has been good. I don't remember much of the original movie that I saw years ago, but it seems to have a slightly different atmosphere. I do remember that Hermes, a motorcycle, would talk to Kino and no one else could hear him. It made people think Kino had a mental illness or something wasn't quite 'right' with her. In this version people can clearly hear him, and have even kept up conversations with him. Quite a different aspect. People (viewers and even characters) still get confused about her gender. She doesn't 'act' or dress like a girl. She's an extremely good sniper, too. The animation seems better. The stories of the places she goes to are still really twisted. There's always something more to them. Often the countries she goes to turn out to be really violent or have odd views on killing others. The last one I watched was a bit different. The country was once corrupt and rude to travelers. Then, they realized a volcano was going to erupt and wipe out their beloved country, so they changed their attitude. They tried to be the kindest country they could be. Kino liked it there. The next day after she left, the country was destroyed. There was also one where you lose all memories of your time there, but they make sure you have a great stay. That one seemed to make her really frustrated. Especially when Hermes said he was allowed to remember everything, but couldn't tell her. 

I've managed to keep up with writing the next sequel to Alliance. I'm surprised at how fast that one's coming along. The cookbook has been interesting so far. Today I wrote out all 6 of the really old Tyson Cornish game hen recipes. There was very small type and it was fading. They sounded really good. I'm tempted to make some of them. One was garlic based, another one was Asian-styled with mandarin oranges, another one was champagne based, etc. Even just the sauces sounded good.