PTSD

This is like a 'special' post. Not the usual day-to-day stuff. I usually don't post during the weekends. What made me think of making this post was talking about my Bipolar 2 briefly on fb. I didn't go into too much detail. I've actually brought it up a few times on here. I noticed my lamotrigine was probably degraded while on our trip to Montana because of the heat. The negative thoughts made me realize something wasn't right. I also just listed off other mental illnesses that I have. I've mentioned the agoraphobia both on here and fb in the past. 

Another one that I have is PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. People develop it after a traumatic event(s). (Not everyone whose gone through traumatic events will develop it.) I used to think only people who are or have been in the military can have it. The police, firepeople, and those that have been raped, too. I was wrong. I've actually gone through many 'traumatic' events that have contributed to it. We didn't focus much on it in therapy, considering the Bipolar 2 thing seemed more of a priority, but my therapist did make me realize how much those events affected me. I'm still learning about it on my own. Also, Patients Like Me has helped with exploring it more. 

I might not have flashbacks with every 'trigger'. In fact, most of the time I don't. I mostly get physical reactions and my thoughts/feelings might suddenly change. 

Sexual abuse as a 9 year old at a Catholic daycare, was one of the 1st events (it was a few times, actually...By the same person) for me. The nuns ran it, but there were some members of the church that volunteered. I loved the nuns. They were cool. Until I told them what had happened to me. They told me never to tell anyone, including my parents. They'll 'take care' of it. I didn't see that volunteer again, and didn't tell my parents until my late 20's. I told therapists before that. Ever since then, not only have I felt uneasy towards men, but also Catholicism and Christianity as a whole. I used to think it was because of what they did to my ancestors, antisemitic views that only recently have been abandoned (like we killed Jesus, for example...), antisemitism and ignorance of others still widespread, how they have a stranglehold on everything and don't even realize it (it's not just Christmas everywhere, but calling Sunday 'family' day, expecting everyone to believe the same, and more), etc. No, it's not just that for me. It's more personal. As a kid, I associated that cover up as what the church did. It shaped how I viewed it. Every time I'm near a church or inside one, my stomach churns a bit. Something never feels right about it. I don't get that feeling with synagogues, Buddhist temples, mosques, etc. Just with churches. 

I've had 4 stalkers. That alone has made me feel like someone is always watching. Even in my own bedroom. 3 of them were men, and 1 was a woman. The woman was a roommate, and it didn't freak me out as much for some reason. Yet, one of the things she did was make a huge collage of pics she took of me sleeping. That uneasiness towards men intensified with these stalkers. I was terrified of all men at one point. Thought they would pull something or become another stalker. Took me a while to realize not all men were like this, and I was able to be more at ease with them. That uneasiness towards men in particular is almost nonexistent now. One of those stalkers was very violent and sexually assaulted me. He tried to rape me, but I managed to push him off and run to where my friends were. Every time I went into my dorm room after that, I did have flashbacks. I also felt like I couldn't get rid of his 'smell'. He also tried to punch me and break glass windows to get to me. He thought someone in the shower was me. She screamed and the police took him away. He was the most persistent, too. He would call me several times a day. It got so bad, I had to move to a different dorm and change my phone number. I still sometimes wonder if he's still following me around but has been quiet about it. 

Oddly, this might not seem traumatic to some, but some of my 'friends' used to pounce on me unexpectedly. Usually from behind so I can't even see them. They loved my startled reaction. It seemed harmless, but over time it's made me jump and/or cringe/tense up at first when someone wants to hug or touch me in some way. Even though most of the time they ask me first. It's a weird reaction. I might want that hug, but having that physical gut reaction almost every time is no fun. It can be confusing, too. (I didn't have this issue with hugs and such before those 'friends' started doing it.) After that initial reaction, I'm fine and can relax. I think this was also why people hugging me so much right after my mom passed away felt so weird. It was actually exhausting to me. 

Going through so many medical issues has also affected my PTSD. I came close to dying more than once. Once with a really bad case of pneumonia, then an awful case of pulmonary embolisms (I had 65 times the normal clotting factor), essentially hemorrhaging out for 8 months straight, etc. It makes me question almost every little medical thing I'm going through. Also, sometimes I think: could this be it? Colitis felt a lot like that before I was diagnosed. I panic sometimes with this stuff. Finding out my mom had breast cancer when I was 17, probably was the start of this. She passed away at a hospital 6 years ago, so that added more to my uneasiness towards hospitals. 

I've also been attacked by a Rottweiler as a kid. Physically, I just had scratches. It made me weary to walk near that area where the attack took place. Also, nervous around really big dogs. Hearing a dog snarl can bring that memory up, too. I'm better about this now, but every so often I do tense up when I see a big dog or hear growling.  

With my PTSD, it's also made me feel hyper vigilant about things. Very aware of my surroundings at times, making sure doors are locked, watching people closely, loud noises making me jump (feeling like something bad's about to happen), sometimes those loud noises are way too clear, sometimes closely watching unfamiliar animals, and more. I might not realize I'm doing this stuff half the time. 

1st Day of Sukkot

Wow! It's already Sukkot! It lit. means the Feast of Booths. It lasts for a week. We build temporary structures or huts/booths, and dwell in them during the holiday. Many people eat all their meals in them during the week. Some spend most of their time in it, including sleeping. There has to be an open side and holes big enough in the 'roof' so you can see the stars. It's a harvest holiday. It's supposed to be one of the most joyous holidays. Hospitality is usually a big thing with it, too. People invite others to enjoy it. That includes people who aren't Jewish and are 'strangers'. 

We don't have one up, and I didn't really want it. It's getting pretty cold out there. We used to put one up, and invite neighbors, friends, and members of the local congregations. Usually, we'd invite them to dinner there. My mom had bought a kit that had all the lumber specifications, instructions, braces, bolts, etc. She got the lumber correctly sized, and with the help of others put it together. We still have it, but it's not in good shape. (In fact, it might be rotting.) It's dismantled, of course. Haven't used it since a year before Mom passed away. So, about 6 years. We usually would put tree branches over the roof part. Then, we'd decorate it with pinecones, fake fruit, lilacs one year, and other harvest-themed stuff. 

It's Mental Illness Awareness Week. I never knew about this type of awareness week. It started in 1990, and NAMI or the National Alliance of Mental Illness is behind it. I tend to not talk much about my own mental illnesses. However, after people were speculating about another gunman being mentally ill, it got me fed up. I feel people need to hear more about what it's really like to live with something like this. There's far too much stigma behind it. We're a lot more likely to kill ourselves than go on a killing spree. I can't remember the studies I've seen on it, but it's pretty interesting to see the difference in percentages. 

I guess I can share what I actually have. How else will people learn about them? My main mental illness is type 2 Bipolar Disorder. Type 2 can be quite a bit different than type 1. It's often very hard to diagnose. Type 2's don't get the euphoric high for their mania. Instead, ours makes us easily irritated, quick to anger, have racing thoughts, think we can do a million things at once, and more. Our lows are much lower than type 1's. (It's interesting to see graphs comparing the highs and lows of both.) We're one of the most at risk groups for suicide. The scary part that I've realized with myself and through therapists, is that we tend to not have a reason for being suicidal. I usually hear people say they're suicidal because they're in too much physical pain (like with an incurable disease), because they feel they have no other option, want an escape, etc. Ours isn't really like that. We just have the urge. Therapists have told me that I've probably had type 2 Bipolar since I was a little kid. I started to become suicidal when I was 14, though. Started cutting for a short time around then. I stopped being suicidal almost as soon as I started taking lamotrigine. Became stable/balanced, and seemingly 'normal', as well. It's like my miracle med. Therapy helped a lot along with it.

I also have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), agoraphobia, been sexually abused, anxiety issues, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) tendencies, and probably forgetting one or two other things. 

Agoraphobia is lit. a fear of markets. It's usually referred to as a fear of crowds of people. I can get panic attacks if I'm in a big enough crowd. My pulse increases, feel like I'm constantly in the way, people are judging me, there's no escape, the walls are closing in on me, bouts of nausea, etc. It's not a pleasant experience. The odd thing is it's not as bad when I'm around certain groups of people. Like, a large group of friends, Pride events, and certain festivals. 

Having OCD tendencies is weird. Mainly weird because it's not full blown OCD. I wash my hands until their raw (and sometimes bleeding), I'll check on certain things like locks multiple times, I'll be very careful about what I post online looking at it over and over, and more. It's not always like this. Usually it's when I'm nervous about something. 

Still keeping up with writing almost every day. Up to almost 230 pages in total. (Roughly half each for the sequel and memoir.) That's a lot. For the memoir, the physical health chapter got so long, I had to split it further. IBD has its own chapter now. I didn't realize how much that would have taken up in the physical health one. I feel like I just started the sequel to Alliance. There's so much more the story has to offer. Probably why it's best to make it a longer series. 

Been practicing my clarinet almost every day still, too. I did increase the time to 45 minutes this week. It feels like it flies by now. As I'm practicing more, I'm noticing silly mistakes I've taught myself for years...Kind of embarrassing, but at least I'm noticing them. I tried to correct them yesterday and today, which made me sound a bit clumsy and shaky. I just need to practice more to perfect that. I played Irish tunes during the entire time today. Most of the mistakes I've noticed have been with those. 

Saw the first episode of the new season of Gintama. It looks like they're going back to their gag and parody roots for this one. Seems like a fluffy season, or one to give fans a break from the intenseness of the recent season/arcs. It's even called the Slip Arc. I'm happy with seeing the old-type of Gintama stuff. They say the next season will be the last. I think they're trying to prolong it as much as possible. I'm good with that. I don't want it to end.

Saw the first episode of Black Clover, and it was better than I expected. Mages are granted grimoires, which are magic books in this world, when they're 15. Everyone seems to gain magical powers at a very early age in their world. Asta is one that didn't have a trace of magic before he went to get his grimoire. He seems to yell a little too much. He was the only one that didn't get a grimoire during the ceremony. His showed up towards the end of the episode. It's apparently one of the most powerful. It has a 5-leaf clover on it, which was unheard of. Each leaf symbolizes something. The 5th is demonic, 4th luck, and the others are things like peace, love, and faith. (I think.) His rival, who's somewhat like a brother, got a 4-leaf one. Everyone thought he was the most gifted. I say somewhat like a brother because they were both left at an orphanage at the same time, and grew up together. Some parts seem very cliche, and some are unique and interesting. I'll stick around for this one. 

Started Ousama Game or King's game today. This one looks pretty good. It's a horror anime centered around a survival game. If people don't follow the rules of the game, they'll be punished to death. With just this first episode, 10 students have died. It asks the students to do certain things, and most of the time they only have 24 hours to do them. The main character is the lone survivor of another Ousama Game. He thought that since he won, he could start a new life at a new school. He was sick of it, and didn't want to do his first task. He was ready to die. It was to kiss the girl that has been trying to befriend him. I think he realized it would kill her too if they didn't kiss, and waited to the last minute. The reason why so many students started dying was an order came while they were sleeping. They were told to stay awake at all costs. This seemed really unfair. How would they know if they were asleep beforehand? They were all hanged. Then another student's punishment was to bleed to death, because he was beating up the main character. The text said it didn't order that. It turns out no one knows who or what is behind it. It reminds me vaguely of many other anime. Apparently, the manga has the prequel with the main character in the previous game. I'm slightly tempted to read that.

Recently, started reading the manga Shuuen no Shiori or Bookmark of Demise. It's based on the Vocaloid music video series of the same name. It's a horror one. Also, a survival game. This one is based on urban legends. The most semi-normal main character is A-ya. They're names all start with a letter, and common ending in Japanese. The only messed up thing about him was his obsession with rumors and the occult. Mild compared to the others. Each character's pov seemed more demented. B-ko tried to put up a facade of the perfect girl. C-ta was obsessed with protecting A-ya. He seemed like a stalker. He bugged A-ya's room, was jealous when he talked to others, thought that A-ya needed him for everything, and more serious things. D-ne was truly messed up. She 'loved' B-ko so much she wanted to be her. Just like some themes in horror movies, and some detective shows. A-ya was killed first, and he was the only one who tried to do what the letter told him to do. He didn't want to die. His was to play hide-and-seek by himself. The urban legend this is based on is super creepy. It turned out C-ta saw A-ya following the instructions of the game, and he thought A-ya was an imposter, then killed him. C-ta was soon killed by not reading his letter and talking to someone he wasn't supposed to. B-ko's was an imposter game. D-ne killed her thinking B-ko was a fake, but also wanting to become her. D-ne had a monkey paw. All her wishes were based on becoming B-ko. Her last wish was to avoid her demise. However, she became B-ko, therefore B-ko's demise would be hers instead. So, another B-ko killed her, since hers was on doppelgängers. The legend where if you see yours, you die. Apparently, there are alternate worlds with 'true' endings. I'm about to start reading the 'true' one. I wonder if their personalities will be different? Maybe it'll be with totally different characters? It's very interesting. 

Starting to feel heavier, more intense, pain lately. I'm not sure if it's something I've been eating or if it's unavoidable. I have to call the gastroenterology department soon to schedule a phone appointment with my new gastro (I'll use this with her too, even though she's not an MD). She told me to make one for the end of the month.