24th of Elul

Had a busy day Friday. Spent most of the day in Tacoma. Went to 2 different recycling places. Then, to the Tacoma Mall so my parent could recycle her old ipad and iphone. The line for the new iphone was long. Glad we weren't there for that. 

My parent found out that she had pink eye Thursday afternoon, and was told not to go back to work the next day. Since it's highly contagious. I hope I don't get it. Although, I think I would have had signs by now. This made it easier to make a full day of it. 

We went to Half Price Books after that. She gave them a huge collection of books. (Filled up 3 boxes.) They didn't see the value in it, sadly. They'll recycle them for her. I did find a cookbook there. It's called Traditional Swedish Cooking. It was only $7. Really good for a cookbook. It's interesting. There's a lot of fish recipes. More than I expected. Fish side dishes, salads, stews, etc. Even fish that I haven't heard of before. They have other salads that seem 'safe' for me, too. Lots of cooked vegetables. Other types of stews. Tons of desserts. There's a section for bread, and another for preserves. Sounds fun. It also has alcoholic drinks. I don't drink alcohol, but it was interesting. There are tips for certain ingredients. A lot of the recipes sound doable to me, even with the pain. 

After that, we went to my rheumatologist's appointment. He seemed to actually listen to me, was thorough, and tried to come up with things to help. He thought the muscle relaxant was a good idea. I think it might be helping, but I definitely feel it when it wears off. I might ask for a higher dose. 

He was worried about my hands. Brought up seeing a hand surgeon to figure out how to get rid of the lumps. There are so many. They're still somewhat small, but are growing and hardening. They're not painful, unless I mess with them for a while. They're annoying and sometimes move around. He was concerned about the weird sores on my hands, too. 

I brought up my mouth sores. Although, I think I only have one right now (like a thin line on the edge of the left corner of my lips). He still took a look at it. I forgot to tell him that one of the sores that disappeared was black with a little white on top and big. It scared me. Now that it's not there anymore, maybe it doesn't matter if I told him. 

I wasn't sure, but I thought the big lump on my neck might be a swollen lymph node. I thought it was too big for one. He said they can get much bigger, and it would make sense if it were. He wants me to see a dermatologist, since he's not an expert in what's going on with my skin. 

I brought up the possibility that I have scleroderma. He agreed it could be, but also brought up lupus. He ordered 2 blood tests, one for scleroderma, and the other is the ANCA Screen. I think the ANCA Screen is to help narrow down what autoimmune disease it is. If it's positive, it's a certain group. If negative, those are eliminated. I don't know much about that test. I had a strong urge to get imaging done on my hands and wrists, and he agreed and ordered x-rays. Those lumps could be calcium deposits, which would show up on x-rays. Plus, the structure of my hands seems to have changed. They're more twisted and bony looking. The positions the put my hands in were awkward to stay in, too. Apparently the results are all back, but I'm nervous to look at them. What if both blood tests are negative and the x-rays come back with nothing? I'm back to square one. However, what if all of them indicate what I think is going on? He said he'd make a phone appointment depending on the results. If he doesn't, I'll see him in 6 months. That's a long time, but maybe the dermatologist will come up with things. 

Went to the Cheesecake Factory after that. We don't go there very often, so it was a treat. So many things on their menu are calorie-laden. It's often hard to pick if I've eaten anything beforehand. I only had breakfast before that, so I could handle quite a bit. It was also the start of my treat days, but I didn't want to go overboard. I got their cheddar-stuffed burger. Most of the cheddar fell out and pooled on the plate as soon as I started eating it. Much more liquidy than I expected and kind of gross looking. The burger and sweet grilled onions were great. I ate all of the burger and onions, a little of the cheddar, roughly 1/4 of the bun, none of the fixings, and roughly half of the fries. I think I did pretty well with that. For dessert, I got their Cinnabon Cinnamon Swirl Cheesecake. It had layers of Cinnabon cinnamon cheesecake, vanilla crunch cake, cream cheese frosting, and caramel on top. There was cinnamon and sugar sprinkles on the back of the slice, too. It tasted and smelled like a cinnamon roll. Like 2 desserts in one. Got home pretty late.

For the last couple of days, Rosie has had an upset stomach. I woke up to her scratching on my closet door Sunday morning. She scratches near things she doesn't like. She does this almost every time she goes to the bathroom in the litter boxes. Seems that she's trying to flush it away or something. She never covers. Anyways, I ignored her until the 3rd time she came by to scratch. I lightly tapped her on the butt, and told her to stop. She walked a little towards the middle of my bedroom and proceeded to throw up. What a way to start the day! Turned out she had thrown up a lot near my closet. I took care of it all before I got ready for the day. Then, she seemed fine throughout the day. Monday morning, she threw up again in my room. Near my sneakers this time. Cleaned it up. Throughout the day she would throw up clear stuff. She seemed depressed and was very affectionate. I was angry Sunday morning, but that quickly turned into feeling bad for her. She must have eaten something she shouldn't have. She doesn't get sick that often. She hasn't thrown up today. At least, not that I know of.

I've decided to try to stick more closely with the daily calorie range limit I set for myself (1200-1600, 1400 being the 'sweet spot'), and to be close to what's recommended of other things like sugar, carbs, protein, etc. It's a balancing act. The calorie range is the easy part. I vary wildly day to day when it comes to many of the other things. Half the time I go a little over what's recommended for sugar, the other half I get maybe half of it. I'm usually well over for carbs. That's something I'm going to have to 'manipulate' a bit. Since I have a problem with absorbing protein, I need more than what's recommended for a healthy person. However, I have a hard time going over the halfway mark for that healthy person's recommended amount. I never make it to the full amount for that. So, it's an even more difficult thing for me. Interestingly, I usually am under the recommended amount for fat. I plan to still have Friday night to Sunday as my treat days, but I might try to be a bit more careful. Maybe my limit should be around 1800 calories a day for those. Not sure about the rest of the nutrients. I think I figured out today's stuff pretty well. Except for the protein. Seems like I'll just barely make it over the halfway mark for that. I'll end up being slightly under 1400 calories, which isn't bad. Only 4g over for carbs. (The recommended amount for carbs is 225g.) Right on for sugar. Yay! Better with potassium than usual, too. That's close to it's halfway mark. Only 4% under the recommended amount for calcium. 17% under for iron. Potassium, iron, and calcium can be tricky for me, too.

Studied Dutch on Duolingo both yesterday and today. I skipped it on Friday. Despite that, I'm still in the Ruby League. I'm 1/4 way through the Arts 2 unit now, and made it passed the 5th checkpoint. I think that's the last checkpoint. They did it a little differently with this one. It must be a new thing. In order to pass it, they quiz you on content you were taught after the 4th checkpoint. They don't let you see the translations of the words in sentences you may have forgotten, can't repeat what was said, a couple of different formats for the questions than the usual, etc. Supposedly it wasn't graded either. Maybe it's more of a review? Made it through quickly. 

Edited Alliance yesterday and today, as well. I'm well into chapter 10 now. Today I went through 7 pages of the ebook version, and 9 pages of the print. I only did it for 4 days last week, but I managed to go through 36 pages of the ebook, and 51 pages of the print all together. That's a lot! I'm still surprised at how quickly I'm moving through it this time. 

Practiced my clarinet yesterday. Finished playing through my klezmer book, and started the Mozart one. I wasn't feeling up to it today. Hopefully, I'll get to it tomorrow. 

Finished watching the new anime adaptation of Fruits Basket. There is going to be a 2nd season. It really did stick to the manga. The 1st anime didn't, and the mangaka (creator) was really upset by it. She hated the design, the music, the voice actors' portrayals, etc. That one also had a lighter more immature tone. The actual manga gets dark quick. There's still a lot of humor, though. The design with this new anime followed the one in the manga to a T, which was interesting to see. They made the art prettier and animation better. The voice actors were much better. I remember how much I hated the Japanese voice actors in the older anime. It's really rare, but the English dub was much better in that. This time the Japanese voice actors sounded pretty much how I'd imagine the characters to sound. The music was better with the new one, too. It wasn't so wishy-washy. With the old one, they veered off into a different direction than the manga halfway through because they caught up to it. The manga wasn't even halfway through. So, people only got a glimpse at the plot. I'm glad I read all of the manga. It gets complex. There were characters that I liked that weren't in the old anime, since they were introduced later. Got to see one of those in the last couple of minutes of the 2019 version's finale. That was Rin, the horse in the zodiac. I've also realized that there are quite a few queer themes in it, which might be why I liked it so much in the past. I didn't realize it at the time. It's hinted that a few characters may be trans and some are gender non-conforming. One character is clearly bi, but jokes about it sometimes. Their friendships are portrayed in a much deeper way than many series (manga/anime, and even in Western media). Some of them could easily be called queerplatonic. There's a big twist to the story in the manga. They have you thinking one of them is a certain gender throughout most of it, but isn't. They were forced to be a certain gender. I think they might actually be non-binary. (I'm trying to not spoil who that is.) The main protagonist, Tohru, is tougher than she seems also. Probably was a way to portray a strong female character girls and women could look up to or be inspired by. Rare in shoujo anime/manga, to me. She seems more...real. I think she sometimes slips out of gender roles, too. The series also touches on mental illness and some other deep topics. Hopefully, the 2nd season will be out soon. They just said sometime in 2020. I'm not sure how many seasons they'll make. I think if they want to do the whole thing it might be 3 or 4 seasons long? Not sure. That would be cool. I'll get to see more of the manga-only characters next season. Yay!

Also, finished Naka no Hito Genome or the Ones Within. I liked it a lot. It had a dark side to it, which is my sort of thing. The characters were unique and most were lovable. I think Anya is actually ace, possibly aro as well. He's never had a crush, and he's said he doesn't like anyone when he was asked about dating. Some of the others don't seem straight, either. They leave it ambiguous, which was a fascinating side to it. They hint at some of them possibly being gay, lesbian, or bi/pan. Again, it's put in such a way, except for Anya, that you can't really tell. Makino, who doesn't talk much and loves to sleep, seems to attract everyone. He also seems, at least, to be gender non-conforming. I think I share a lot of Akatsuki's traits, which was interesting. The only one I felt iffy about was Akatsuki's stalker, Yuzu. I think she was meant to make people feel that way. The games were interesting. They managed to get over half the amount of viewers they needed. It leaves it wide open for a 2nd season. I really hope it does have one. It seems highly underrated. 

17th of Elul

Sunday, I looked for 2 pillboxes similar to my current one on Amazon. For some reason, I didn't see any at Safeway. I've had my current one for roughly 10 years. Probably longer. I think I got it at Rite Aid. I remember my mom got the same kind at the same time. It's a daily circular one with 3 segments on the inside. The design on the outside is a metallic red with a silver starburst at the center and silver spikes coming off of it. The bottom and sides are golden. (Not actual gold.) It has a button like clasp on the edge to open and securely close it. Cool looking and I've loved it. However, I just realized recently that it's probably not sanitary anymore. You can't really clean them, unlike the weekly plastic ones. So, it's probably built up stuff from all the meds I've had since. Even the wax paper glued above the sections has turned yellow and the multivitamin gummies made wet looking imprints. I looked for 2 so that I can switch them after a little while. Probably better for me that way. I actually found some. Ordered one that has a few pink and white flowers, branches, and an open black background, the rest being silver. It looked kind of like a vintage thing. The 2nd one's a giant squid attacking an old boat, the rest of it's also silver. The tentacles are the only things shown of the squid. It looks like something you'd see in an antique shop. It looks like a black and white sketch. Both look cool. I was also thinking about an old compass, old map, a moon, another piece of abstract art, or octopus one. I didn't know there were so many designs. Some looked really expensive, but weren't bad in reality. The 2 I ordered seemed to be cheap, too. It was interesting that shipping for one of them was the same cost as the product itself. 

Someone on AVEN posted a thread about trying to understand what it means to be non-binary or enby for short. They were very ignorant on a number of things. They brought up trans as binary, used mtf (male to female) and ftm (female to male), that to be trans you have to transition, odd ideas about intersex people, and obviously quite a lot of stuff on enby genders and such. It was a lot to unpack. 

All that trans means is someone who's gender doesn't match the one they were assigned at birth. Since enby people don't identify with the one assigned to them, they are under the umbrella. Mtf or ftm are problematic because people have always had their gender, they were just assigned the wrong one. If you've always felt like a woman, you are one. You weren't a man before and suddenly turned into a woman. It doesn't work that way. Same with trans men. Better terms are afab (assigned female at birth) and amab (assigned male at birth). Not all trans people transition for many reasons. Health, can't afford it, don't see the need, etc. 

They thought that intersex people have both sets of sex types. Not necessarily. It can vary a lot, and they could seem 'normal' with one set, but other aspects will be different. Most people don't know their intersex until they're tested and that isn't cheap. They also thought that intersex people are trans. Not necessarily. They could be either cis or trans like everyone else. There are some genders that only intersex people can be, which is pretty cool. 

They thought enby and agender were the same thing. Nope. Enby is when someone isn't entirely a man or a woman all of the time. Genderfluid people that are sometimes a man or a woman are still considered enby, because they aren't always those genders. They also most likely fluctuate between many other genders. There are bigender people that are both a man and woman. Still considered enby, since they aren't just one or the other. They may have many other combos, too. Demigender people are partially a gender. They could be partially others at the same time (many being mostly agender). If part of their gender is in the binary, they're still enby, because they aren't completely a man or a woman. Being agender is under the enby umbrella, since I'm neither a man or a woman. I'm not related to the binary. There are many genders out there that aren't. It means I don't have a gender. 

They also asked how it felt to be enby. For me, there's nothing there. I see it in other people, but internally...nothing. Feminine and masculine seem more like 'styles' to me. I'm neither of those either. I might like aspects of both, but they're like pretty and cool masks or costumes. I don't identify or feel like they're truly me. I just am. Apparently, this confuses people, though. 

I'm glad their response to all this was a like. Despite being so ignorant and rude at times in their main post, they seemed to genuinely want to understand. I was bracing myself for retaliation still. Some people are unpredictable, don't think it's good enough, or want me to defend it somehow. There was one member of that same forum in the past that demanded I tell her what gender is and feels like. Again...you're asking someone who doesn't experience it. It was weird. 

On Sunday, we went to the dump. Got rid of 140 lbs of stuff. Mainly my parent's books. Went to Starbucks afterwards. I tried their pumpkin scone. Liked the scone part a lot. The very thick stiff icing, not as much. It's good, but seemed too thick and added way too much sweetness to it. Also, got an iced pumpkin spice latte. It didn't taste as strong as I remembered. It was ok, but not the best. Maybe the frappuccino version's better? I think they have a couple of other seasonal drinks that are back. Maybe I'll try one of those next time. 

It's gotten cold enough that I had to put the heavy electric blanket on my bed this weekend. It's super cozy when turned on. When off, it's pretty nice too, since it kind of feels like a hug. Rosie absolutely loves it. Even when it's off. She looks so happy when I have my heater going and she's on that blanket. It's cute. She gets so relaxed when the blanket is on and heated up. (Takes time to heat up to the setting you want.)

Went to my primary doc appointment yesterday. I was disappointed with how it turned out. So much so that I'm thinking about switching to a different one again. I might look at the trans-friendly list of primary docs again. She dismissed a lot of things, was 40 minutes late (they only give you 20 minutes. I don't care if it was at the end of the day. It was offered then), she always seems scattered and rushed when late, asked me what she should do, was contradictory, refused to do any imaging or blood tests, etc. There was one thing she did that was good, which was prescribe me a muscle relaxant. I was going to ask her about that. Most of the pain in both arms seems to be muscle related, so that might help for sleep at least. I might get that tomorrow. 

I also had a 101 degree fever. Didn't even realize that during the day. I had felt hot flashes, but didn't think much of it. Her nurse was concerned, but she didn't talk about it herself. I didn't take my temp yet today. I probably should at some point. At least my primary actually said that my rheumatologist will know what to do and get to the bottom of what it is. I'll see him on Friday.

Made another thing from a Pinterest recipe called Cacio e Pepe Ramen for dinner last night. The directions weren't clear. I used half of most of the ingredients, except a 1/4 of the cheese. They used 2 different types of cheese, and I only used parmesan. They didn't really explain what to do with the 'broth' of water, butter (I used margarine), olive oil, pepper, and extra cheese after the noodles were cooked and tossed in it. It seemed like it'd be a waste to toss it out, so I poured it into the bowl along with the noodles. They have you add a little more pepper as a garnish. It was a bit strange. Tasted ok, but was kind of a mess. So, this one wasn't a good recipe, which is the first one so far, of the ones from Pinterest, that's been like that. 

I did my Dutch on Duolingo both yesterday and today. Went through the Shape unit and am halfway through the Media one. I'm 9th in the Ruby League as of right now. I think I ended up being 3rd yesterday. Maybe I can get back up there by the end of the week.

Edited Alliance both days, too. I think today was the most I've edited in a sitting. I finished chapter 6 and went through all of chapter 7. That was 11 pages of the ebook version, and 17 pages of the print version. I didn't spend as much time as my usual, either. I'm happy I got through that much.

I half thought about making author business cards when I published my last book. I didn't know what I'd put on it, especially because I had multiple books out, and put it in the back of my mind. I thought about it today. People are asking more about my books in person now, too. Read an article about what authors tend to put on it, and I think I could do it. I might even be able to make them with my new printer. However, I feel I need to do quite a few things beforehand. First, I need to finish editing what I feel needs it, and republish those books both to Smashwords and Amazon. Some were never on Smashwords before, and I think getting all of them on there would be a good idea. I might need to reformat things, too. Then, I'm thinking of making a new author's page on facebook, edit the Amazon and Smashwords (haven't gone there in a long time) author pages, figure out a separate 'business' email address and phone number (they say it's a bad idea to list both your personal email and number), create an author's page on Instagram and another on Twitter. I have to decide if I want to use the cover art of the books for the design (and how), and what shape it'll be. Some authors make theirs into bookmarks, which makes a lot of sense and fits the 'theme'. It could be fun for promoting it. This way whenever someone asks me face to face, I can just whip out a card. Easier to remember for people if they have something written out, too.