Another one that I have is PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. People develop it after a traumatic event(s). (Not everyone whose gone through traumatic events will develop it.) I used to think only people who are or have been in the military can have it. The police, firepeople, and those that have been raped, too. I was wrong. I've actually gone through many 'traumatic' events that have contributed to it. We didn't focus much on it in therapy, considering the Bipolar 2 thing seemed more of a priority, but my therapist did make me realize how much those events affected me. I'm still learning about it on my own. Also, Patients Like Me has helped with exploring it more.
I might not have flashbacks with every 'trigger'. In fact, most of the time I don't. I mostly get physical reactions and my thoughts/feelings might suddenly change.
Sexual abuse as a 9 year old at a Catholic daycare, was one of the 1st events (it was a few times, actually...By the same person) for me. The nuns ran it, but there were some members of the church that volunteered. I loved the nuns. They were cool. Until I told them what had happened to me. They told me never to tell anyone, including my parents. They'll 'take care' of it. I didn't see that volunteer again, and didn't tell my parents until my late 20's. I told therapists before that. Ever since then, not only have I felt uneasy towards men, but also Catholicism and Christianity as a whole. I used to think it was because of what they did to my ancestors, antisemitic views that only recently have been abandoned (like we killed Jesus, for example...), antisemitism and ignorance of others still widespread, how they have a stranglehold on everything and don't even realize it (it's not just Christmas everywhere, but calling Sunday 'family' day, expecting everyone to believe the same, and more), etc. No, it's not just that for me. It's more personal. As a kid, I associated that cover up as what the church did. It shaped how I viewed it. Every time I'm near a church or inside one, my stomach churns a bit. Something never feels right about it. I don't get that feeling with synagogues, Buddhist temples, mosques, etc. Just with churches.
I've had 4 stalkers. That alone has made me feel like someone is always watching. Even in my own bedroom. 3 of them were men, and 1 was a woman. The woman was a roommate, and it didn't freak me out as much for some reason. Yet, one of the things she did was make a huge collage of pics she took of me sleeping. That uneasiness towards men intensified with these stalkers. I was terrified of all men at one point. Thought they would pull something or become another stalker. Took me a while to realize not all men were like this, and I was able to be more at ease with them. That uneasiness towards men in particular is almost nonexistent now. One of those stalkers was very violent and sexually assaulted me. He tried to rape me, but I managed to push him off and run to where my friends were. Every time I went into my dorm room after that, I did have flashbacks. I also felt like I couldn't get rid of his 'smell'. He also tried to punch me and break glass windows to get to me. He thought someone in the shower was me. She screamed and the police took him away. He was the most persistent, too. He would call me several times a day. It got so bad, I had to move to a different dorm and change my phone number. I still sometimes wonder if he's still following me around but has been quiet about it.
Oddly, this might not seem traumatic to some, but some of my 'friends' used to pounce on me unexpectedly. Usually from behind so I can't even see them. They loved my startled reaction. It seemed harmless, but over time it's made me jump and/or cringe/tense up at first when someone wants to hug or touch me in some way. Even though most of the time they ask me first. It's a weird reaction. I might want that hug, but having that physical gut reaction almost every time is no fun. It can be confusing, too. (I didn't have this issue with hugs and such before those 'friends' started doing it.) After that initial reaction, I'm fine and can relax. I think this was also why people hugging me so much right after my mom passed away felt so weird. It was actually exhausting to me.
Going through so many medical issues has also affected my PTSD. I came close to dying more than once. Once with a really bad case of pneumonia, then an awful case of pulmonary embolisms (I had 65 times the normal clotting factor), essentially hemorrhaging out for 8 months straight, etc. It makes me question almost every little medical thing I'm going through. Also, sometimes I think: could this be it? Colitis felt a lot like that before I was diagnosed. I panic sometimes with this stuff. Finding out my mom had breast cancer when I was 17, probably was the start of this. She passed away at a hospital 6 years ago, so that added more to my uneasiness towards hospitals.
I've also been attacked by a Rottweiler as a kid. Physically, I just had scratches. It made me weary to walk near that area where the attack took place. Also, nervous around really big dogs. Hearing a dog snarl can bring that memory up, too. I'm better about this now, but every so often I do tense up when I see a big dog or hear growling.
With my PTSD, it's also made me feel hyper vigilant about things. Very aware of my surroundings at times, making sure doors are locked, watching people closely, loud noises making me jump (feeling like something bad's about to happen), sometimes those loud noises are way too clear, sometimes closely watching unfamiliar animals, and more. I might not realize I'm doing this stuff half the time.
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