12th of Tevet

Saw my primary doc on Monday. She seemed like a different person this time. Not nearly as rude and ignorant. It's most likely the last time I'll see her. It was for my next batch of refills for Lamotrigine and annual physical. 

We started talking about my family history of breast cancer. My mom had it, her mom had it, and one of my mom's sisters had it. So, I'm at a huge risk. I came out to her as agender then. It threw her off big time. Eventually, she asked why I told her. I said because I'll need top surgery, and since I don't want it even masculinized or feminized, or to have nipples. Totally flat. It would dwindle my risk to pretty much nothing. (Nothing will completely eliminate it, but it's pretty dang close.) She was iffy about it. Like, somehow it wouldn't be enough, and I'd have to get mammograms still. How would they do a mammogram on someone who's flat like that? There's not enough tissue. How would it not be enough? Her compromise was referring me to a geneticist to see if I have the markers, I guess. Not sure if I actually will see one. I also felt like something weird was going on with my chest, so she did a breast exam. It felt weird enough that she was basically fondling me...Although, I know it was something that needed to be done. I couldn't look at them. If I look at them for too long, I end up having a panic attack. Hard when you're at risk, or even just doing things like taking a shower. 

She asked me if I wanted to be more masculine. I told her there's nothing there for me. Neither a slightly masculine side nor feminine. I know it's weird, but it's just how I am. Things I might like that are designated men's or women's by society, are just like nice masks or something fun. I don't feel like they affirm or fit who I am. They're just things to me. I haven't really explored much of the men's section stuff (I'm slightly too nervous right now), but just seeing some of it interests me. Oh, the only men's section thing I have are actually sunglasses. Most people can't tell, and it seems pretty neutral. They're one of the best ones I've had, too. Cheaper than the women's ones. I think it'd be fun to make outfits and such out of both the men's and women's stuff together. I like the idea of messing with other people (as long as they don't kill me...), and it'd be refreshing to see something new like that. I'll have many more options as well. 

She asked what I'd want done. When I got to hysterectomy/oophorectomy, she flailed her hands and told me to stop. She thought it was too much and that I'm 'overthinking' it. I'm too young. I know I look much younger than I am, but really? If it's because she thinks I might want babies in the future, I think I'm infertile. I've had so many life-threatening issues with those that I think it'd make it difficult or next to impossible to conceive. Not only that but it might give me a lot of dysphoria. Having colitis complicates it, too. With all this, even if I could become pregnant, the pregnancy itself and giving birth might kill me. Too many factors. I could adopt in the future. I thought about harvesting my eggs, but that's expensive (doubt it'd be covered), and I don't even know how viable they are now. Not only that but I'd still have issues when I decide I want to have baby...So, not only would taking them out be gender-related, but also overall health-related. Also, the IUD was only meant to be like a band-aid. They never meant for me to be on it for so long. It was so they could figure out what actually caused my 8-month long extremely painful 'friend'. It was the only thing that could stop it right away. No one looked into it more, though. If I have a hysterectomy/oophorectomy, I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. No getting the IUD implanted every 5-7 years, and no danger with my 'friends'. Win-win. 

I explained to her that being an agender person with gender dysphoria, anything gendered could trigger it. She proceeded to tell me that bodies are bodies, this is my body, and bodies aren't necessarily gendered. Trying to talk me out of it. True, since I am an agender person, my body is agender. However, there are things that shouldn't be there. I can't think my way out of that. I asked if she would say the same thing to a man with gynecomastia and to just accept it. She changed her tune and was a lot more respectful afterwards. While I'm not masculine, it was an example that she could relate to more. 

I got a reminder to have another colonoscopy. It's been 2 years. Interestingly, the reminder wasn't through KP (my insurance), but Digestive Health Services in Tacoma. I haven't seen anyone from there since. It was from the GI who performed the procedure last time. Anyways, I brought this up with her. She immediately made a referral to gastroenterology, despite her weirdness about it last time I saw her. 

She saw my birthmark, and acted like she had never seen it before. It's huge and on my lower back. In the past, some people have asked me if it's a tattoo, and another one asked if someone was beating me. Really weird. There's a mole on it and some strange hair has cropped up only on that birthmark. She was worried about it. I was more worried about a skin tag under one of my knees. Her nurse took pics of both, and they were supposedly sent to dermatology to see what's going on. I don't need another thing...All in all it was a weird appointment. 

I'm now enrolled in KP's Gender Health Program. They assign you a social worker first to help you navigate it. It seems like they're there for emotional support, too. They told me to wait until that social worker, Ashley, called me. They said it'd probably be in a week or 2. That was on Tuesday. She called me in the late afternoon yesterday. (Surprisingly quick!) My phone deemed the number she dialed as a scam. The number wasn't the same as the one I was given, so I didn't answer. Luckily, she left a message. The number I was given is her personal, or as she called it 'confidential', number. So, it's a bit different.

I called her back today. I didn't expect to talk to her for so long. She was incredibly nice and seems like she could really help me. She didn't say if she's had patients that were agender, but it seemed like she wanted to know about my personal experience as one. That's probably the best attitude. 

We went through a lot of what I'd need, and it was nice just to talk to someone one-on-one about this stuff. She's going to send me a bunch of resources/info via email. She'll help me with getting a new primary that's trained in gender-related health care. She said that my current primary would be harmful for me (at least mentally), after I told her about my last appointment. I need someone that mostly 'gets it'. At least, the trans part. 

She's also sending me a list of gender therapists to see. She said they could also help with other mental health stuff. I have to get 2 letters from different therapists, I think, in order to get top surgery. She said if need be, she can provide one. For bottom surgery, they'd need 1 letter. Bottom surgery for me is weird, though. Considering I think I'd only want a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, it doesn't seem like most. They could do it probably under different reasons, too. I don't know. 

She asked if I wanted hormones. Thing is, I don't know my hormone levels normally. They could be really out of whack with just considering the facial hair (I try to shave it often, so it's not that noticeable) and issues with my monthly 'friend'. I don't know what 'results' I'd want. Not sure if I need it...She said I have a lot to sort through, but we'll take it one step at a time. She'll call me every week or so. Apparently, they're thinking of turning those calls into video-based. Like, through Skype or something. So we both can see each other, and it's more personal. That would be better.

I brought up that I had called the GHP line in a status on Patients Like Me. Someone responded with: "You go girl! You're so brave, and know that you're not alone! I'm sure I'm not the only one that supports you on here!" First, I'm not a girl. In my response to her, I went through what agender means, along with telling her I'm not a girl and I don't want to be referred to by gendered language. I gave alternative examples. I also told her it might have been confusing since I mentioned that she/her or they/them are my pronouns. Haven't had a response from that yet. I might have shut her up...Second, how am I brave? It seems like a weird word to use. I wasn't even saying that I'm the only agender person out there. I wasn't asking people to directly support me, either. That's great and all, but it was just an update. Probably had the most reactions out of all my posts on there. However, I've recently been more active about it. 

I finished watching D.Gray-man. It's not the best anime I've seen, but it was good. That last arc just seemed never-ending. It's like things ended and came together a little too nicely. I'll start D.Gray-man Hallow soon. It's the sequel. The first one ended in 2008, newer one aired in 2016. A long time in between. The newer one is also only 13 episodes, while the older one is 103. Quite a difference. 

Youtube:

One Piece Crack (Cracks are collections of humorous shorts from a series. Sometimes making fun of it, adding things to scenes, short amv's, etc. It can be another window into the series. Found most of these a while back):





One Piece amv:

4th of Tevet

Hanukkah started the night of the 2nd and ended on the 10th. I used one of the biggest menorahs that we had. We have quite a collection. This one was free, since my mom worked at a Judaica shop, parts of it are bent, and it leans to one side. They couldn't sell it like that. It's hard to light towards the end, because some of the cups bend inwards toward the shamesh. The shamesh candle/cup rests above the others. You're supposed to light the others with that candle. Made it difficult to put it back in its cup. It only uses Shabbos candles, which are thicker and bigger than the Hanukkah ones. It makes quite a statement. I think people can see this one the best from outside, and we're supposed to be public about it. 

Found frozen latkes from Trader Joe's and had them on the 1st night. They also had huge bags of gelt. Gelt are chocolate coins. A long time ago it used to be real coins that students would give to teachers as a way to honor them. Anyways, their bags were much bigger than our local market's. World Market had even bigger ones with more of a variety. Had sufganiyot (jelly donuts) on the 1st and 6th (I think) night. So, I did get to enjoy some good Hanukkah food.

This is my wallpaper for December. It's Bakugo from Boku no (My) Hero Academia. Thought it was perfect for this time of year. I like the warm glow. Since I have my taskbar and start menu set to picking colors from the background, it changed to warm crimson with slightly different shades of warm orange highlights. Makes it pretty when put together. I found a lot of new wallpapers, including this one, yesterday. I wanted more of a variety (based on more shows), and most of the ones from before are in black and white. I wanted more color. 

There's only one interesting month-long holiday for December: National Pear Month. I love pears! However, now I can only have them peeled, chopped up, and cooked. They're too tough on my system otherwise. 

It's been a while since my last post. Hopefully, I can get back to posting more regularly. It's great that I've already posted more this year than the past few years on here. I've been sick off and on, which is partially why it's been a while. (I don't feel motivated to do much when I'm sick.)

I finally made an appointment to see my primary next Monday. I don't think I'm going to come out to her as agender, because it'll most likely be the last time I see her, and don't really want to deal with her much. I have to see her in order to get refills for lamotrigine. She tells me that she can't refill it unless I see her once a year about it. My previous doctors said differently, but maybe the system has changed. She might think my parent influenced me or the meds affected me, if I come out to her. I've also been in a lot of pain and more symptoms (related to colitis) have popped up. Last time I talked to her, she seemed utterly fed up and frustrated with my case. I'm sorry I have so much to deal with...She'll most likely run blood tests to see how lamotrigine is affecting my liver (I think, either that or kidneys) and a general panel. I can see how things are in general without mentioning any of the health issues I've been having that way. 

I'm thinking of calling the Gender Health Program number soon. I wanted to have my primary appointment first. I might email my parent's previous case worker on it, too. Just to ask her questions about it before I take the plunge. 

When I do finally start it, I'm going to first want to see a new primary. One that's been trained with gender issues. They can set me up with one. I also want that new primary to refer me to gastroenterology again to get a new GI. One with an MD. My current one actually told me that she's not equipped to deal with my case. Her hands are tied. (She's a PA.) I've only had one GI with an MD. That's not much. I also want to see a gender therapist. Apparently, my insurance's program will cover pretty much everything. I was surprised that they'd cover electrolysis. It's expensive otherwise. It's a big possibility for me now. 

Since I've had issues with awful life-threatening monthly 'friends' in the past (it's more complicated than that), and other issues, I most likely am sterile. I've been iffy about having my own kid for a while. Occasionally, it's been tempting, but at other times I'm completely turned off from it. Pregnancy and childbirth are incredibly gendered, so the process would most likely cause a lot of dysphoria. If I'm not sterile, it could kill me. If I do want kids in the future, I could adopt. Anyways, I'm thinking of getting a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. Not only because of the issues they give me, but it'll help with my dysphoria. I don't care if I'd have to take hormones for the rest of my life to make up for what's lost. People might try to talk me out of it because of how 'young' I am. I've always looked much younger than I am. I think I brought this sort of thing up after having an 8-month long 'friend' roughly a decade ago. My doctor was against it, and thought I'd change my mind eventually. Might be why I ended up becoming hesitant about it. I don't know. With those things out, I won't have to have another IUD implanted. Another positive. That program covers top surgery, too. So, yay! Another thing. After all this, I'd probably look very different. Probably happier, too. 

A couple of days ago, I decided to change my sleeping 'schedule' a little. Before, I had a set time to get up during the week. Now, I've decided that whenever I start to get ready for bed, I set my alarm for 9 hours later. 1/2 hour for getting ready, and 8 1/2 for being in bed. However, I tend to toss and turn at least for another 1/2 hour. It's more like I'm shooting for 8 hours of sleep. I haven't had a full night's sleep for a couple of years now. It's really difficult with the pain, and oddly being so fatigued. The eye mask and earplugs help a lot, though. Hopefully, no matter when I go to sleep, having the same set amount of time will help. This also means getting up at different times, but I think this would be more natural. It might be easier on my body. I'll probably do this during the weekends, too. 

Lately, despite feeling happy and excited to try so many different foods, I've occasionally felt tired of eating. Like the act itself. I've felt like this in the past, and have a hard time feeling any hunger during it. It's related to my colitis. Makes it a little difficult. I absolutely love food, so it can be frustrating, too. I tend to not pay attention to time between meals when I'm like this. I need to have 5 small meals daily. The daily range I set for myself is 1200-1600 calories, except on the weekends where I allow myself to eat however much I want. (Usually more calories.) If I forget times, I might skip meals. Sometimes I don't try to make up for a skipped meal, which means I go below my min amount of calories for a day. So a couple of days ago, I decided to set a timer after I start a meal for 3 hours. This way things are more set, I know when to start making/eating a meal, and I make sure to have it. The difficult part sometimes is getting myself to eat it. Smells great and might look amazing, but I still might have a hard time. This will help, though.

Found a lot of stuff at World Market recently. They have a pancake mix line with a variety of flavors. I've thought about trying them in the past. They're normally inexpensive, but this time they were about 50% off. Got the banana caramel one. It's amazing! I thought it'd call for milk and/or eggs, but it just had you add water and melted butter or vegetable oil. (I've been using the oil for them.) One serving is rather satisfying and easy to figure out the measurements for the water and oil. The directions apparently have you make 3 servings. The texture is nice, too. It's crispy. It has the same amount of sugar as my cereal, which isn't much. Despite having little caramel chips and banana mixed throughout. They don't even need syrup. They have a ton of calcium and some protein. Seem pretty healthy. I'm going to make them about half the time for my breakfasts until I finish the canister. I want to try the other flavors, too. 

Finished watching the Sniffer on Netflix. It was surprisingly good. Hope there's a 4th season. I liked that at the end of the finale Victor hugged the Sniffer tightly. (Not really a spoiler.) The Sniffer usually doesn't like hugs, and even handshakes can be odd for him. He hugged back. I think they both needed that emotionally (they went through hell that episode), and it was a friendly gesture. I almost feel like they could be in a qpr, since they're such close friends. The main theme song had a cool vibe. Went back to Persona, which is a Malaysian detective show. It's in Mandarin, but there's quite a bit of English sprinkled throughout.

Youtube (It's been a while, so I'm sharing a little more this time):

Boku no (My) Hero Academia:


Gintama:


Rurouni Kenshin:

Kekkai Sensen (Blood Blockade Battlefront):

Mix:


Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler):

Zombieland Saga:

One Piece: