It's been a while. However, I have a feeling I'll be able to blog more often now. My arm is doing a lot better. Haven't really used my computer since the last time I posted here. I can type normally now. It feels a little weird, but nice. I was thinking of vlogging, and I may still do that. Put out my first vlog about 2 weeks ago. Looked a bit awful because I could only get into my pj's at the time, facial hair was really coming in, and couldn't fix my hair very well. I, at least, had a shower beforehand. It showed how the cancer and broken shoulder thing has affected me, too.
Yesterday marked the 11th week since I fell in the shower. Tomorrow marks the 10th week since I had surgery to put pins and screws in my right shoulder. I'm surprised at what I'm able to do lately with it. They say the humerus bone, especially with almost a clean break at the head where it meets up with the shoulder, takes one of the longest times for a bone to heal. Since it's one the major bones. I'm not getting much pain from it lately, thank goodness. I've been able to get dressed in my regular clothes since last week, did most of my own laundry on Monday (a little difficult still), trying to eat more with my right hand, able to hold slightly heavier things with it, and more. My orthopedist told me to go slow with things, so I'm trying not to overdo it. It's hard at times, since I want to get back to how things were already. I'll see my orthopedist during the 2nd week of June.
I decided to go back to going to places like the markets lately. Haven't since I fell, and things have changed a lot. Understandably. Since I'm trying to go out to more things and walking more, I started using my cane recently. It does help quite a bit. I just need to practice it more often. I have almost a fear that someone will go up to me and say I'm faking it, but no one has. They just seem pushy, yet wait for me and give me some space. I feel like I have to have it as close to my side as possible, so I don't trip anyone. I end up tripping myself instead sometimes. I really shouldn't care much about this stuff, but it might take time to get over. I forgot to take my cane yesterday to both markets, and I'm feeling it today. For some reason, my right hip is painful when I don't use it. The cane is more for support than anything. My left shoulder pops and cracks a lot, which makes it weird when I use the cane, too. I have to use my left with it. I also have to remember to switch hands when I pick up something. I shouldn't be using my right a lot still.
I might have my hysterectomy soon. Both the ovaries and uterus. The only reason they postponed it, was because they thought I wasn't healthy/strong enough. I haven't had those attacks in a while. I've also felt much stronger, in less pain, able to do more, etc. I think I'm in the best shape for it right now. The scheduler for their surgeries called yesterday. Told me to call her back even though it'll go straight to voicemail. I left a message. Haven't heard from her since. My oncologist agrees that now might be the best time. Although, we have to time it to me being off of the Ibrance for 2 weeks beforehand. So, that will either be in 3 weeks or a month later. That's not that long of a wait. I might be one of their few patients actually happy about having it done. I don't know what type they'll do, or how long I'll be in the hospital. Don't really care. As long as things go smoothly. Eventually, it'd be great to get top surgery. I'll be rid of the cancer in my breasts, too. I do want it a certain way, so it's probably good I'm not having that part done now.
I'll see an ear, nose, and throat doc tomorrow. My neck has felt really weird. The left side, from my left ear down to my collarbone to the middle area of my neck, has felt like it's swelling. Sometimes it drains. It's affecting my dysphagia (problems swallowing) a bit, too. I'll wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm drowning and coughing. They don't think it's related to the cancer or a tumor, but they don't really know. The ENT doc may also be able to do something about the dysphagia I've been dealing with for over a year. Might be able to look into it more. Probably will order more imaging. I had to be tested again (just nasal, not the one that goes further up, thank goodness. That other one was hellish) for covid yesterday so I could still go to the appointment. Got the results today that it wasn't detected. I have to go all the way out to Tacoma (about an hour from home) for this appointment. I'll need to stop by the lab area to get a blood draw. They have to see how Ibrance is affecting all my blood cell counts. It is an immunosuppressant. At least, since I'll be out there, we might stop by It's Greek to Me afterwards. It's right next to the clinic.
The dysphoria with my facial hair has been becoming more frequent and harder to ignore. Due to covid, I have no idea when I'll be able to start electrolysis. My 'women's' electric wand-like razor bit the dust. I tried trimming it with scissors, but it does basically nothing. So, I looked on Amazon. Found a 'men's' version that's roughly $30 cheaper than my current one was, has 3 modes, and is rechargeable. My current one was constantly eating batteries. Being rechargeable for the new one, is a huge plus. Hopefully, it'll help me.
Just for fun, I also looked at monthly subscription boxes. I've felt more bored and drained since the health stuff in March started. It's hard to do much at the moment. So, why not find something to help remedy that and fun? I decided to start one that features a different country's snacks every month. I think I've seen things about it in the past and was curious. It'll be like visiting those places from the comfort of home. I love trying new foods, too. I also found one where they give you 2 hardcover books and 2 ebooks every month under these genres: mystery, horror, thriller, or surprise me. I chose surprise me. I love those genres, and they can pick from any of those for me. I've been meaning to get back into actually reading. I haven't in a while. This will give me a challenge to read every book each month, too. Something to keep me preoccupied. I did see a cat subscription box that looked interesting, but thought that might create too much clutter. It comes with a different theme of toys and treats for them. I suppose we could just toss the ones they destroy or don't care about. Something to keep in mind for the future.
In order to keep me functioning day to day, I've had to start taking a lot of pills. I counted close to 30 a day. The fentanyl patches didn't work. I switched to morphine for my long-term painkiller instead. I'm still taking oxycodone regularly. It's supposed to be for my 'breakthrough' pain, but I'm nervous to ease up on it. I don't want to go back to being in so much pain. My med team is very understandable about that. I'm taking a stool softener a few times a day, and my bathroom stuff is still weird. At least, it happens. I'm also taking tylenol on top of the other painkillers. That's how bad the pain was. I have to be on 3 different ones. I'm on 2 different anti-nausea meds. They've worked really well together. Hardly ever feel nauseous anymore. I'm taking the Ibrance, tamoxifen, and had a lupron injection a couple of weeks ago. I think the tamoxifen has made my mouth numb. That and Ibrance might have affected how things taste, too. It's just a little off. Like, slightly washed out. Making me crave bolder flavors. Still taking lamotrigine. Keeps me mentally stable, so it's just as important. I'm on a steroid that pretty much stopped those attacks. I'm not sure I like that they increased the dosage. I think it's made me hungrier at times. Started going back to a gummy multivitamin. It's not as important, but I have noticed familiar signs of malabsorption issues, so I figured it wouldn't hurt. I have lost a little weight. Not much, but enough for my med team to take note and tell me I'm still stable, but we have to keep track of it. I wouldn't mind losing a little more. As long as I don't become underweight, that's perfectly fine with me.
Rosie seems to know exactly when I'm supposed to take my meds, and waits every time near my chair until I'm done with them. I have to take them with food. She already has a thing with getting me to eat at certain times, but staying so close to me when I take my pills and then leaving only when I get up, is new.
I feel an urge to explore new food or food I haven't had in a long time more lately. It might be the idea/living with metastatic cancer, the meds affecting how things taste, or just wanting to explore more food. Could be a combo. Trying to not overdo it, though.
I want to start my own sort of cheese tasting plates in the future. I've seen some on pinterest. I wouldn't go over the top with it, especially considering it'd just be for me. I'll be using it more of as a concept. A fun healthy travel from home snack thing. I'll try 3 cheeses each time. I could pick new ones from my cheese guide book I got a couple of years ago. It'd be a handy way to use it. I can go by region or country, or just see what fancies me that time. I plan to choose 3 different forms like soft, semi-soft, and hard. I could use meat like many cheese plates do. Since it would just be me, maybe 1 or 2 types. I could use my rotisserie chicken deli meat, beef lil smokies, beef sticks, chicken sausages, etc. Lots to choose from. Most have nuts, but the only type of nuts I can really have are in the smooth butter forms. Doesn't seem right, so that won't be there. There's usually fresh and dried fruit. It'll be a couple from each. I could have things like fresh strawberries, melons, and grapes. Then, dried apricots, dried pineapple, and dried apples. There will be a couple of veggies like baby carrots, roasted red bell peppers, and shredded cabbage. A couple of salty/acidic things: olives, dolmas, pickles, pickled cabbage. One type of cracker and one type of bread. Finally, a spread of some sort like hummus, fruit spread, honey, etc. Some people add garnishes, but I don't really need that. I could try new things for the other stuff besides cheese every time, too. That would satisfy trying more stuff. A little bit of everything does sound like it'd be healthy. Especially with another way of getting more fruit and veggies. Seems balanced. I'll have multiple sit-down ones, considering it'll just be me and it can take a while to finish 3 cheeses. I might start this sort of thing when I'm finished with my current cheeses. I've got a provolone and garlic and herb Boursin cheese at the moment. First time I've tried Trader Joe's version of the provolone, and it's ok. Huge slices, and it smells like it should. I'm not too into smelly cheeses, though. Not sure how long I'll be able to stand it. Although, like I said, it is decent. Maybe having it in other things would be better. I'm thinking of my 'starter' cheese plate cheeses as ones I know and love. For instance, maybe mozzarella, Dubliner cheddar, and an aged parmesan. Although, I'm not used to hard non-shaved parmesan. So, that will still be a little different.
I'm trying to get back into my writing stuff. I entered all 5 ebook versions of my books in the Authors Give Back promo on Smashwords. That was extended to the end of the month. It's a way for things to be more affordable and brighten someone's day during the pandemic. I set them to 60% off. There were 30%, 60%, and 100% off options. I don't think I'll have my old books set to free ever again. It's just been too often, and I feel I really need to actually make something from them. Discounts are totally understandable. People are looking more at them both on Smashwords and Amazon lately, which is great. I want them to be noticed even more. Thought about entering a book into Amazon's UK storyteller awards. Any book that's in English is eligible, however it had to have been put out in the last year. Mine are too old, sadly. Oh well. I started up my author instagram account again. Been reading the paperback version of Alliance for the 1st time. That's been an interesting way to see it. Still feel the print is a little too big, even with my eyes having issues lately. (I really need an eye exam and new contacts soon.) I plan to try to read through all my paperback versions. Although, that might be a little more difficult if I take on those monthly books I'll get in the mail. Hopefully, I can get back to finding and writing down quotes from my books. Haven't been able to focus that much lately.
I also am trying to get back to learning Polish through Duolingo. I've remembered a lot more than I thought I would. It still is hard to focus very long on it. It'd be great if I can get to the point of practicing my clarinet again. I might be able to do it for short periods of time now. I'd love to get back to drawing, too. I just should try to pace myself. If I do too much one day, it'll take a while to get back to things. I hate that. I even just want to get back to my walks. One day at a time.
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
Thursday, January 2, 2020
Happy New Year!
Hopefully, this year will be amazing! The 2010s were rocky for me, to say the least. Some really amazing moments, and some of the worst. Being sick at the end of 2019, just goes along with how that year was. I plan to post more often on here, again. I might get into vlogging on youtube. I've been meaning to try it out, but haven't gotten the guts to do it yet. I have a webcam built into my new (I still feel like it is) computer, so it should be easier than doing it on my phone. I want to get back to medically transitioning this year. I'll feel a lot better mentally, which might help me 'cope' with the other physical health stuff. I want a new primary doc, rheumatologist, etc. as well. My current primary doc misgendered me at the end of my last appointment, and made me feel awful about something else. The rheumatologist doesn't seem to know how to order lab tests, which I think is a real problem. Hopefully, I can see a dermatologist and a new gastroenterologist. Plan to do a lot of promoting my books after I republish them. (The revised versions.) Making business cards, author pages/sites, book trailers, and more. So, there's already a lot of things planned for this year.
This is my wallpaper for January. It's Zenitsu from Kimetsu no Yaiba or Demon Slayer. He's annoying at times, but when he's in battle-mode, he's pretty cool. His personality completely changes. Seems like a part of him goes to sleep. He has a lightning-based ability after being struck by a lightning bolt. It affected him so much that even his hair and eye color changed. Thought this was an interesting and elegant one.
The month-long holidays for January are: National Candy Month, National Egg Month, National Hot Tea Month, National Oatmeal Month, National Soup Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun.
I actually forgot to get new calendars until today. Ordered another Jewish Historical Museum one. The museum is in Amsterdam, and many of their pieces come from what was once the local Jewish community in that area. They also have some from around the world. I really like their calendars, and get them most years. Each month they feature pieces from the museum. It's also a good one to keep track of the Jewish calendar. Our calendar is mainly lunar-based, so holidays seem to change every year in relation to the 'regular' calendar. In reality, they are always the same on ours. Although, some years there are added months for a similar thing to leap years, but most of the time it's the same. The regular calendar doesn't list many of the holidays, and some of them can be inaccurate. It also has the parsha or Torah portion for each week, which is handy. I also ordered another elements calendar. I liked that this past year, so why not get it for this one. They go into a lot of detail for each element. The example pics of things with that element are interesting. I'm surprised that Amazon expects them to be here in 2 days. That's really fast.
I've been sick with a nasty cold since Saturday. Maybe a little of Friday, too. Although, I just had horrible back pain then. I wonder if it was like a warning beforehand? My back still hurts, but it's not as constant or as intense. This is much worse than when I was sick right after my birthday (Nov. 7th) for a month. I had a breather for about a couple of weeks in between. My nose has been running like crazy, painfully sneezing a lot, coughing attacks, occasionally feeling like I can't breathe, sore throat, and more. It's been so bad, I've resorted to using Safeway's version of DayQuil and NyQuil. Recently started the severe version of the DayQuil, and that's been working a lot better. Using both feels like I'm drugged up a lot of the time, although the illness also makes me feel weird. I've been able to sleep lately, at least. Hopefully, I'll get over this soon. I feel like I'm putting some things on hold because of it. I might try to get at least one 2-mile walk in a day once I beat this. I'm itching to try that again.
I found out recently that I have vision and dental coverage now. Wahoo! I haven't seen a dentist in roughly 14 years (since I wasn't covered), so it'll be interesting to see one now. I might shock them. Vision has been weird. I haven't really had it either. They say I might have, but couldn't access it for some reason. Supposedly, I'll still have health insurance, too. I'm a dependent on my parent's plan, and they changed to a new system that goes into effect this month. I saw that I still had coverage documents right before New Year's. Checked it again afterwards, and those documents disappeared. My card was still in their system and other things indicated I was still covered. There was no denial letter, so I'm guessing I simply have to wait and see. I have a feeling it'll take some time for everything to transfer. Makes me anxious, though. Hopefully, it'll be sorted out in the next couple of weeks, since I'll need to order meds around that time.
I finished the first level of all the units in Duolingo's Scottish Gaelic course. There really wasn't much to it. I try to stick with languages for at least 3 months at a time. It was barely a month's worth when I finished it. So, I'm trying to level out all the units now. There are 5 levels or 'crowns' to each one. Almost done with the Pers. Det. (Personal Details) unit. Only 3 more units until the 1st checkpoint. There are 2 checkpoints. 3, if you count the very end as one. I don't think this will last 3 months, but it'll be better than just a month. I'm now in 8th place of the Obsidian League. There's only one more league. I don't know what that one's called. I've never gotten this far with the leagues.
Finished editing the memoir. It had more errors than I expected, but still better than the others so far. The only one left is the cookbook. This should go pretty quickly. Then, I'll check the formatting of all of them. Haven't done much with drawing lately, since I haven't had the motivation with being sick.
We normally go to a family friends' (they're a couple) place for New Year's Eve. The same people that host Thanksgiving dinners and Passover seders. Someone that we all knew passed away recently (I was shocked by it), and their dog has cancer (I think). A lot of things at once, so they couldn't do it this year. That's ok. We had our own party. Had snacks off and on from around dinnertime until midnight. Had chips and French onion dip, pickled herring on rosemary crackers, butterflake rolls, gelt (chocolate coins I still had/have from Hanukkah), a 'rainbow chip' (like M&M's, but smaller) cookie, hot chocolate, and sparkling apple cider. (Probably forgot a few things.) Most of it I don't have very often. Forgot that I also got white cheddar Babybel snacks to have a 'new' cheese for the new year. I haven't had that version of Babybel's cheeses. Oh well. I can have it now.
Rosie seems to be back to her old self. Eating and drinking normally. As far as I know, she hasn't been throwing up. She's been incredibly loving and purring a lot. She knows I'm sick, and has been trying to help me. She's been trying to get me to eat more than usual. Kneading my legs and cuddling up close to my head, which isn't as normal. Every time I have a painful sneeze, when I'm lying down, she checks out my nose. Cute and annoying at the same time. Tasha's even been more loving towards me lately. Greeting me often, asking to be petted, begging for my food, etc.
Youtube:
One Piece:
One Punch Man:
Mob Psycho 100:
The month-long holidays for January are: National Candy Month, National Egg Month, National Hot Tea Month, National Oatmeal Month, National Soup Month. Some are for important causes, some are to make you appreciate things you may take for granted, and some are just for fun.
I actually forgot to get new calendars until today. Ordered another Jewish Historical Museum one. The museum is in Amsterdam, and many of their pieces come from what was once the local Jewish community in that area. They also have some from around the world. I really like their calendars, and get them most years. Each month they feature pieces from the museum. It's also a good one to keep track of the Jewish calendar. Our calendar is mainly lunar-based, so holidays seem to change every year in relation to the 'regular' calendar. In reality, they are always the same on ours. Although, some years there are added months for a similar thing to leap years, but most of the time it's the same. The regular calendar doesn't list many of the holidays, and some of them can be inaccurate. It also has the parsha or Torah portion for each week, which is handy. I also ordered another elements calendar. I liked that this past year, so why not get it for this one. They go into a lot of detail for each element. The example pics of things with that element are interesting. I'm surprised that Amazon expects them to be here in 2 days. That's really fast.
I've been sick with a nasty cold since Saturday. Maybe a little of Friday, too. Although, I just had horrible back pain then. I wonder if it was like a warning beforehand? My back still hurts, but it's not as constant or as intense. This is much worse than when I was sick right after my birthday (Nov. 7th) for a month. I had a breather for about a couple of weeks in between. My nose has been running like crazy, painfully sneezing a lot, coughing attacks, occasionally feeling like I can't breathe, sore throat, and more. It's been so bad, I've resorted to using Safeway's version of DayQuil and NyQuil. Recently started the severe version of the DayQuil, and that's been working a lot better. Using both feels like I'm drugged up a lot of the time, although the illness also makes me feel weird. I've been able to sleep lately, at least. Hopefully, I'll get over this soon. I feel like I'm putting some things on hold because of it. I might try to get at least one 2-mile walk in a day once I beat this. I'm itching to try that again.
I found out recently that I have vision and dental coverage now. Wahoo! I haven't seen a dentist in roughly 14 years (since I wasn't covered), so it'll be interesting to see one now. I might shock them. Vision has been weird. I haven't really had it either. They say I might have, but couldn't access it for some reason. Supposedly, I'll still have health insurance, too. I'm a dependent on my parent's plan, and they changed to a new system that goes into effect this month. I saw that I still had coverage documents right before New Year's. Checked it again afterwards, and those documents disappeared. My card was still in their system and other things indicated I was still covered. There was no denial letter, so I'm guessing I simply have to wait and see. I have a feeling it'll take some time for everything to transfer. Makes me anxious, though. Hopefully, it'll be sorted out in the next couple of weeks, since I'll need to order meds around that time.
I finished the first level of all the units in Duolingo's Scottish Gaelic course. There really wasn't much to it. I try to stick with languages for at least 3 months at a time. It was barely a month's worth when I finished it. So, I'm trying to level out all the units now. There are 5 levels or 'crowns' to each one. Almost done with the Pers. Det. (Personal Details) unit. Only 3 more units until the 1st checkpoint. There are 2 checkpoints. 3, if you count the very end as one. I don't think this will last 3 months, but it'll be better than just a month. I'm now in 8th place of the Obsidian League. There's only one more league. I don't know what that one's called. I've never gotten this far with the leagues.
Finished editing the memoir. It had more errors than I expected, but still better than the others so far. The only one left is the cookbook. This should go pretty quickly. Then, I'll check the formatting of all of them. Haven't done much with drawing lately, since I haven't had the motivation with being sick.
We normally go to a family friends' (they're a couple) place for New Year's Eve. The same people that host Thanksgiving dinners and Passover seders. Someone that we all knew passed away recently (I was shocked by it), and their dog has cancer (I think). A lot of things at once, so they couldn't do it this year. That's ok. We had our own party. Had snacks off and on from around dinnertime until midnight. Had chips and French onion dip, pickled herring on rosemary crackers, butterflake rolls, gelt (chocolate coins I still had/have from Hanukkah), a 'rainbow chip' (like M&M's, but smaller) cookie, hot chocolate, and sparkling apple cider. (Probably forgot a few things.) Most of it I don't have very often. Forgot that I also got white cheddar Babybel snacks to have a 'new' cheese for the new year. I haven't had that version of Babybel's cheeses. Oh well. I can have it now.
Rosie seems to be back to her old self. Eating and drinking normally. As far as I know, she hasn't been throwing up. She's been incredibly loving and purring a lot. She knows I'm sick, and has been trying to help me. She's been trying to get me to eat more than usual. Kneading my legs and cuddling up close to my head, which isn't as normal. Every time I have a painful sneeze, when I'm lying down, she checks out my nose. Cute and annoying at the same time. Tasha's even been more loving towards me lately. Greeting me often, asking to be petted, begging for my food, etc.
Youtube:
One Piece:
One Punch Man:
Mob Psycho 100:
Friday, February 15, 2019
10th of Adar I
Went to my first gender therapy session yesterday. I think it was a good start. I was really nervous and excited. Wasn't sure if he was going to take me seriously. That would have been my biggest fear no matter who I saw. Last time I was in regular therapy was roughly 6 years ago. It wasn't long after my mom passed away. That's a long time. Wasn't sure what to really expect with this kind of therapy. Felt like I talked too much...He said that was normal. I didn't like that the intake forms only had the options of male or female. Off-putting when you're neither.
He said in order for my insurance to cover it, I had to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria. It used to be as gender identity disorder. He feels strongly against calling it a disorder, which was good to hear. He started going through DSM-IV, and realized it had really binary language. Then, he realized he was wasn't looking at the DSM-5, then went through that instead. The language was a lot better (still had to reword some things), and I've related to a lot of it. We spent a while on each criteria, since he wanted details on what I brought up.
He was a little odd about my romantic/sexual orientations. I think he was just new to them. Especially so when I brought up platonic attraction and qpr's. I said it probably sounded weird. He said he'd like me to not say the word 'weird' when relating to myself. It's self-judgmental and it might be out of the norm, but they're learning more about this stuff. Society doesn't like diversity and 'new' ways of thinking about things like relationships. So, things might seem 'weird' through society's eyes, but they really aren't. Next time, we'll go over more of the criteria, 'diagnose' me, and start going over a bunch of stuff that I brought up. Should be interesting.
It was a bit weird that there was no receptionist and a number code for the door. I thought the door could only be opened by staff or something. Someone came by, opened it for us, and found his door. Since there's no receptionist, he has to give you the intake forms. There were a lot of them. A lot to read. Hopefully, I filled it out right. The waiting room was nice. His Silverdale office has a receptionist.
Got a call from a receptionist there today saying that I needed to authorize my first session with my insurance. I thought I had messaged Ashley (social worker in my insurance's Gender Health Program) about the appointment when I made it, but didn't. She had asked me if the therapists were going to work out that day, so I immediately replied back about this appointment. Didn't get a response back on it. I messaged her today about the call, she quickly got back to me, and said she was able to authorize it immediately yesterday. Both them and I will get a referral letter soon authorizing it. She gave me a code so I could tell them about it before they got it. I called them back and gave them the code. Now, it's out of my hands. I did what I could. We should get it soon. I'm impressed with how quickly Ashley did all this. I feel bad I didn't tell her about it sooner. I'll try to remember in the future.
With this, I feel like I can finally start transitioning and get help with figuring out what I'd need to do. I have somewhat of an idea, but many things are still vague. It's a bit overwhelming. I'm excited for the future, though.
It's upstairs from Kachai Thai Kitchen, conveniently. So, we (my parent was with me) went there after dinner. There was a weird thing where they asked us if we'd take longer than 1 1/2 hours to eat. They also gave us only the Valentine's Day special menus. I had to ask for the regular ones. Really awkward. I think they were giving those out to every party of 2, though. I already don't like the holiday. (Only thing I like is the candy/chocolate, and those are on sale the next day.) Let's shove it in people's faces...Besides that, it was really good.
The snow is finally melting. Yay! I think we lost the most today. It seems like it'll continue to be warm enough to melt the snow for now. The forecast for towards the end of the week is showing more snow. I really don't want more, and many people are sick of it.
Youtube:
One Piece (the first one's on Brook's past. One of the saddest backstories in the series):
(This one's on Luffy's most recent fight. It's very fitting.)
Black Clover:
Boku no (My) Hero Academia:
Mob Psycho 100:
He said in order for my insurance to cover it, I had to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria. It used to be as gender identity disorder. He feels strongly against calling it a disorder, which was good to hear. He started going through DSM-IV, and realized it had really binary language. Then, he realized he was wasn't looking at the DSM-5, then went through that instead. The language was a lot better (still had to reword some things), and I've related to a lot of it. We spent a while on each criteria, since he wanted details on what I brought up.
He was a little odd about my romantic/sexual orientations. I think he was just new to them. Especially so when I brought up platonic attraction and qpr's. I said it probably sounded weird. He said he'd like me to not say the word 'weird' when relating to myself. It's self-judgmental and it might be out of the norm, but they're learning more about this stuff. Society doesn't like diversity and 'new' ways of thinking about things like relationships. So, things might seem 'weird' through society's eyes, but they really aren't. Next time, we'll go over more of the criteria, 'diagnose' me, and start going over a bunch of stuff that I brought up. Should be interesting.
It was a bit weird that there was no receptionist and a number code for the door. I thought the door could only be opened by staff or something. Someone came by, opened it for us, and found his door. Since there's no receptionist, he has to give you the intake forms. There were a lot of them. A lot to read. Hopefully, I filled it out right. The waiting room was nice. His Silverdale office has a receptionist.
Got a call from a receptionist there today saying that I needed to authorize my first session with my insurance. I thought I had messaged Ashley (social worker in my insurance's Gender Health Program) about the appointment when I made it, but didn't. She had asked me if the therapists were going to work out that day, so I immediately replied back about this appointment. Didn't get a response back on it. I messaged her today about the call, she quickly got back to me, and said she was able to authorize it immediately yesterday. Both them and I will get a referral letter soon authorizing it. She gave me a code so I could tell them about it before they got it. I called them back and gave them the code. Now, it's out of my hands. I did what I could. We should get it soon. I'm impressed with how quickly Ashley did all this. I feel bad I didn't tell her about it sooner. I'll try to remember in the future.
With this, I feel like I can finally start transitioning and get help with figuring out what I'd need to do. I have somewhat of an idea, but many things are still vague. It's a bit overwhelming. I'm excited for the future, though.
It's upstairs from Kachai Thai Kitchen, conveniently. So, we (my parent was with me) went there after dinner. There was a weird thing where they asked us if we'd take longer than 1 1/2 hours to eat. They also gave us only the Valentine's Day special menus. I had to ask for the regular ones. Really awkward. I think they were giving those out to every party of 2, though. I already don't like the holiday. (Only thing I like is the candy/chocolate, and those are on sale the next day.) Let's shove it in people's faces...Besides that, it was really good.
The snow is finally melting. Yay! I think we lost the most today. It seems like it'll continue to be warm enough to melt the snow for now. The forecast for towards the end of the week is showing more snow. I really don't want more, and many people are sick of it.
Youtube:
One Piece (the first one's on Brook's past. One of the saddest backstories in the series):
(This one's on Luffy's most recent fight. It's very fitting.)
Black Clover:
Boku no (My) Hero Academia:
Mob Psycho 100:
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
National Puzzle Day!
I love puzzles! Interesting that there's a day devoted to them. They're fun mental workouts. I like pretty much any type.
I finally made an appointment to see a gender therapist yesterday. I'm even more nervous and excited about it now. Not exactly sure why I felt so hesitant. The interesting thing is I was told that this therapist, Tom Freeman, is located in Silverdale. He's actually only available at his Poulsbo location right now. Works out for me more this way. The building is really close to home. About a 5-10 minute car ride. It might be a little too convenient, since it's in the same small plaza that has Kachai Thai Kitchen. Tempting to go to the Thai place after therapy...It's a good one. This first appointment isn't until Feb 14th. I wasn't expecting it to be on Valentine's Day. It's not that long of a wait until then. This is with the one that I talked about last time that seemed the most promising. With this appointment, it feels like I'm actually starting to medically transition. Hopefully, he'll work out.
Recently, I came across a thread on AVEN about someone demanding that people enlighten her on 'gender issues'. She had a disclaimer that she may come across as offensive, but she's really trying to learn. (Supposedly...) She also wanted to confront her brother on his transphobia. She had weird ideas of what it means to be trans, gender identity, gender dysphoria, etc. People were responding with really long detailed posts about it. She had even longer posts. That seemed weird. Why not keep things shorter? She had confused gender identity with expression, and later on said she just couldn't grasp the concept of gender itself. Reading the responses on that, made me think she was either very obtuse, moving 'goal posts', or the way others were talking about it went over her head. She seemed to think gender was only cultural, and being non-binary was purposely bucking the system. Being non-binary is not a political or fashion statement. I told her it's not just cultural. There are many sides to it.
With dysphoria, she had the idea that we're trapped in the wrong body. Many people think this, but that's not exactly it. There are things that either shouldn't be there or you're missing things; to put it more simply. It makes people feel distressed, thus the 'dysphoria' part. We're not 'trapped' in our own bodies. Someone said it's kind of like we have birth defects. She has sensory issues, and said she can understand the idea of being trapped that way. No, it's not the same...She thought in order to be trans, we had to have dysphoria. She couldn't understand why we'd want to change our bodies, especially if gender and sex are different. There was a lot more on this, and seemed like a lot to unpack. Being trans just means you have a different gender than the one that was assigned to you at birth. No mention of dysphoria or transitioning. Not everyone has dysphoria. However, I do think some of the people that say they don't have it, might not realize that's what they're experiencing. Took me a while to realize that. She didn't seem to know about social dysphoria, which is another important aspect that often can be forgotten when speaking about it in general. I told her that I have both physical and social dysphoria. I went into more detail about what it's like for me. I also said while sex and gender are different, we still use gendered labels to refer to sex: male and female. It'd probably be better to say something like uterus owner, prostate owner, etc. They're just asking about our reproductive organs when they ask what our sex is. Probably why it's inappropriate to ask unless it's relevant medically. I also brought up that most people don't know their chromosomes, so using it as 'science' to back up a claim that there are only 2 'sexes' (they often referred to it as gender), is laughable. They exclude intersex people this way, too. While I thought my post was slightly longer than my usual, it was dwarfed by how long the others were. I tried to be to the point, but using myself and my own experiences to explain it to her. No one has replied after my post. One person liked it. She's awfully quiet now.
I started a new language yesterday: Korean or Hangul. I was thinking about Yiddish, but found out how bad Mango is. (At least, their 'free' version.) I'm using LingoDeer now for Korean. LingoDeer used to just have Chinese, Korean, and Japanese. Now, it also has Spanish, French, German, Portuguese, and Vietnamese. A while back, I tried Duolingo's Korean course. I got about halfway through the first lesson, and realized that I had to have some sort of knowledge already in the language. They hadn't worked out the kinks in that course yet, too. I didn't look more into it and just picked a different language. LingoDeer has been great for an absolute beginner. I still feel like I don't have the alphabet down yet, but I'm slowly getting there. This is only the 2nd day. I tested out of the intro section already. That was on the alphabet. It's not counted as the first 'unit' of the course. It's like a get-your-feet-wet unit. They went into a lot of detail. Their 'letters' are really consonants and vowels put together, and there are 3 different orders those can go in. For the letter han, it's written like h-a and n on the bottom. I don't have the Korean keyboard enabled on here. (I might in the future.) Another one could be a vowel, like i, by itself. It's interesting, but seems like there are a lot of layers. Started the first 'official' unit. I'm actually doing better than I thought. It's on nationality. Hangug salam are Korean people. Migug salam are American people. It was things like that. They show you how to write it, sentence structure, record your voice to compare to the native speaker, match the letter/word with either the meaning or pronunciation, in depth grammar/pronunciation notes, and more. It's also interesting that they actually use spaces between words. That's different compared to Chinese and Japanese. The only issue I have is it doesn't correct you on pronunciation. Sure, you can check your own voice like I mentioned, but it's not the same. So, I've decided at some point, I'll switch to Duo's Korean course and use both that and Lingodeer. Duo's course should be better at this point, and it most likely has speaking exercises now. Since I had a more thorough intro to the alphabet, I'll be able to go through Duo's easier and with more of an understanding. It'll be interesting to go through both, too. I might get even more of an understanding of it than I would if it was just one or the other. It might take me longer with this language. We'll see.
Today, I started reading Mother Keeper. I think I like it so far...The art seems to be in an old style. It ran from 2005 until 2014. (Pretty long.) It's not as old as it seems, but maybe older than a lot of what I've read recently. The concept is interesting. There are 2 types of people in their world: those within Eden and those outside. It's like a domed city. Everything outside is like a wasteland. Eden makes it even worse as its massive exhaust is pumping outside. Only 1/3 of the world's population is allowed to live in Eden. Basically the rich and powerful. Meanwhile, people outside are suffering and dying sooner. Several rebel groups have formed from outside. The main character was apart of one of those. They had planned to destroy Eden's main CPU. If they had, Eden would cease as a 'paradise' to the few. He was killed (this happened early, so it's not really a spoiler), and turned into a cyborg. His appearance changed. The scientist there has complete control of him. They want him to help with the security of Eden. So, he's forced to help the enemy...The CPU is actually a cyborg that looks like a little girl. He had a hard time getting himself to kill her when he was given the option to, since she seemed so innocent.
Scanned the drawing of Shadow so far. It's just in case to see how it was before I add his clothes. I realized his hands are smaller than they probably should be. Not sure if I'll change that. At least, I practiced drawing them. He does look better than previous full-bodied drawings of characters. Should be interesting to see it when its done. I plan to color him in, too.
Managed to practice my clarinet today. I don't think I did yesterday or the day before. I've been feeling pretty awful again. Also, coughing up a lot of weird stuff. That's not a good combo for an instrument you blow into. Anyways, I finished playing through the Clarinet Solo book. I'll get to at least Duke Ellington next.
Edited a couple more pages of Alliance, too. Down to 298 pages in the print version. Meaning, it's 2 pages less. Yay!
I finally made an appointment to see a gender therapist yesterday. I'm even more nervous and excited about it now. Not exactly sure why I felt so hesitant. The interesting thing is I was told that this therapist, Tom Freeman, is located in Silverdale. He's actually only available at his Poulsbo location right now. Works out for me more this way. The building is really close to home. About a 5-10 minute car ride. It might be a little too convenient, since it's in the same small plaza that has Kachai Thai Kitchen. Tempting to go to the Thai place after therapy...It's a good one. This first appointment isn't until Feb 14th. I wasn't expecting it to be on Valentine's Day. It's not that long of a wait until then. This is with the one that I talked about last time that seemed the most promising. With this appointment, it feels like I'm actually starting to medically transition. Hopefully, he'll work out.
Recently, I came across a thread on AVEN about someone demanding that people enlighten her on 'gender issues'. She had a disclaimer that she may come across as offensive, but she's really trying to learn. (Supposedly...) She also wanted to confront her brother on his transphobia. She had weird ideas of what it means to be trans, gender identity, gender dysphoria, etc. People were responding with really long detailed posts about it. She had even longer posts. That seemed weird. Why not keep things shorter? She had confused gender identity with expression, and later on said she just couldn't grasp the concept of gender itself. Reading the responses on that, made me think she was either very obtuse, moving 'goal posts', or the way others were talking about it went over her head. She seemed to think gender was only cultural, and being non-binary was purposely bucking the system. Being non-binary is not a political or fashion statement. I told her it's not just cultural. There are many sides to it.
With dysphoria, she had the idea that we're trapped in the wrong body. Many people think this, but that's not exactly it. There are things that either shouldn't be there or you're missing things; to put it more simply. It makes people feel distressed, thus the 'dysphoria' part. We're not 'trapped' in our own bodies. Someone said it's kind of like we have birth defects. She has sensory issues, and said she can understand the idea of being trapped that way. No, it's not the same...She thought in order to be trans, we had to have dysphoria. She couldn't understand why we'd want to change our bodies, especially if gender and sex are different. There was a lot more on this, and seemed like a lot to unpack. Being trans just means you have a different gender than the one that was assigned to you at birth. No mention of dysphoria or transitioning. Not everyone has dysphoria. However, I do think some of the people that say they don't have it, might not realize that's what they're experiencing. Took me a while to realize that. She didn't seem to know about social dysphoria, which is another important aspect that often can be forgotten when speaking about it in general. I told her that I have both physical and social dysphoria. I went into more detail about what it's like for me. I also said while sex and gender are different, we still use gendered labels to refer to sex: male and female. It'd probably be better to say something like uterus owner, prostate owner, etc. They're just asking about our reproductive organs when they ask what our sex is. Probably why it's inappropriate to ask unless it's relevant medically. I also brought up that most people don't know their chromosomes, so using it as 'science' to back up a claim that there are only 2 'sexes' (they often referred to it as gender), is laughable. They exclude intersex people this way, too. While I thought my post was slightly longer than my usual, it was dwarfed by how long the others were. I tried to be to the point, but using myself and my own experiences to explain it to her. No one has replied after my post. One person liked it. She's awfully quiet now.
I started a new language yesterday: Korean or Hangul. I was thinking about Yiddish, but found out how bad Mango is. (At least, their 'free' version.) I'm using LingoDeer now for Korean. LingoDeer used to just have Chinese, Korean, and Japanese. Now, it also has Spanish, French, German, Portuguese, and Vietnamese. A while back, I tried Duolingo's Korean course. I got about halfway through the first lesson, and realized that I had to have some sort of knowledge already in the language. They hadn't worked out the kinks in that course yet, too. I didn't look more into it and just picked a different language. LingoDeer has been great for an absolute beginner. I still feel like I don't have the alphabet down yet, but I'm slowly getting there. This is only the 2nd day. I tested out of the intro section already. That was on the alphabet. It's not counted as the first 'unit' of the course. It's like a get-your-feet-wet unit. They went into a lot of detail. Their 'letters' are really consonants and vowels put together, and there are 3 different orders those can go in. For the letter han, it's written like h-a and n on the bottom. I don't have the Korean keyboard enabled on here. (I might in the future.) Another one could be a vowel, like i, by itself. It's interesting, but seems like there are a lot of layers. Started the first 'official' unit. I'm actually doing better than I thought. It's on nationality. Hangug salam are Korean people. Migug salam are American people. It was things like that. They show you how to write it, sentence structure, record your voice to compare to the native speaker, match the letter/word with either the meaning or pronunciation, in depth grammar/pronunciation notes, and more. It's also interesting that they actually use spaces between words. That's different compared to Chinese and Japanese. The only issue I have is it doesn't correct you on pronunciation. Sure, you can check your own voice like I mentioned, but it's not the same. So, I've decided at some point, I'll switch to Duo's Korean course and use both that and Lingodeer. Duo's course should be better at this point, and it most likely has speaking exercises now. Since I had a more thorough intro to the alphabet, I'll be able to go through Duo's easier and with more of an understanding. It'll be interesting to go through both, too. I might get even more of an understanding of it than I would if it was just one or the other. It might take me longer with this language. We'll see.
Today, I started reading Mother Keeper. I think I like it so far...The art seems to be in an old style. It ran from 2005 until 2014. (Pretty long.) It's not as old as it seems, but maybe older than a lot of what I've read recently. The concept is interesting. There are 2 types of people in their world: those within Eden and those outside. It's like a domed city. Everything outside is like a wasteland. Eden makes it even worse as its massive exhaust is pumping outside. Only 1/3 of the world's population is allowed to live in Eden. Basically the rich and powerful. Meanwhile, people outside are suffering and dying sooner. Several rebel groups have formed from outside. The main character was apart of one of those. They had planned to destroy Eden's main CPU. If they had, Eden would cease as a 'paradise' to the few. He was killed (this happened early, so it's not really a spoiler), and turned into a cyborg. His appearance changed. The scientist there has complete control of him. They want him to help with the security of Eden. So, he's forced to help the enemy...The CPU is actually a cyborg that looks like a little girl. He had a hard time getting himself to kill her when he was given the option to, since she seemed so innocent.
Scanned the drawing of Shadow so far. It's just in case to see how it was before I add his clothes. I realized his hands are smaller than they probably should be. Not sure if I'll change that. At least, I practiced drawing them. He does look better than previous full-bodied drawings of characters. Should be interesting to see it when its done. I plan to color him in, too.
Managed to practice my clarinet today. I don't think I did yesterday or the day before. I've been feeling pretty awful again. Also, coughing up a lot of weird stuff. That's not a good combo for an instrument you blow into. Anyways, I finished playing through the Clarinet Solo book. I'll get to at least Duke Ellington next.
Edited a couple more pages of Alliance, too. Down to 298 pages in the print version. Meaning, it's 2 pages less. Yay!
Friday, January 18, 2019
12th of Shevat
Yay! Another week sticking to pretty much everything. Health stuff, blogging, clarinet, editing, Italian, and drawing. Feels good. The only downside was I had woke up late most of the week, so I shortened the time on quite a few things. Hopefully, that'll be better next week.
I still need to email my primary about getting another referral to see a gastro out-of-network. I made an appointment with their Capitol Hill gastroenterology department (the only one locally within network), and realized it wouldn't work out. It takes over an hour to get there. They only take appointments during the week, not the weekend. The latest they can schedule to see a gastro with an MD is 3pm. Normally, it's 4pm. They also want you there a little before the appointment to fill out paperwork. So, I'm guessing my best option now will be Digestive Health Specialists in Tacoma. I went there before, but had an awful nurse. Not even an MD. I need one with that title. Much as I admire nurses and think their awesome, they can't do as much or have the knowledge. Good to have on a team in addition. The gastro who performed my last colonoscopy there, sent me a reminder that I need to have another soon. Maybe I'll get to see him for it? He seemed knowledgeable and personable. Plus, it'd be easy to tell him I need a colonoscopy, since he sent me that reminder.
When I have my next one, I'll ask about having an upper endoscopy again. I had that with my 1st colonoscopy (they call it a double dip), and it showed that my stomach and duodenum (part in between stomach and small intestines) were affected. My 1st gastro told me that I'd need an endoscopy with my 2nd one to see how damaged they were. Also, that they'd be better able to determine that I have Crohn's if there was more damage. She wasn't sure if it was related. We know I definitely have colitis, we just don't know if it's related to Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis. She was leaning heavily towards Crohn's. I didn't have one last time. This will be my 3rd colonoscopy. I was diagnosed in July of 2015, so that seems like a lot of them in that short amount of time. The only thing I truly hate is the prep. I had a much easier method last time, but it still made me sick to my stomach. Try having a month's worth of Miralax mixed in a liter of Gatorade in one night, plus a couple of Dulcolax pills...So much better than the jug of Golytely and probably the easiest method, but it's still difficult to finish. I just hope my primary doesn't give me a hard time when I ask her. If she does, it looks like I'll be switching primary docs sooner than I expected. Need to anyways, but thought I'd switch after getting set up with a gastro.
Still need to make an appointment to see a gender therapist, too. Might do both of these later today. If not, the latest would be on Monday. It'd be nice to talk to someone about my gender and actually get started with medically transitioning. I'm nervous about seeing a therapist, because I haven't in a long time. (I think the last time was 6 years ago.) However, this is a different type. I also wanted to take better care of my other health related stuff beforehand.
Ashley's been really nice. She emailed me recently. It seems it's easier for her than the calls? I'm cool with people calling me, though. Anyways, she wondered if I had gotten the primary docs and gender therapists lists she sent and how I was. I felt a bit guilty about not progressing much on it. She said that there was no rush on her end. Taking care of my other health related stuff first is important, too. It's weird. I want to get started quickly, but am hesitant for some reason. It'll happen, though.
Youtube:
One Piece:
I still need to email my primary about getting another referral to see a gastro out-of-network. I made an appointment with their Capitol Hill gastroenterology department (the only one locally within network), and realized it wouldn't work out. It takes over an hour to get there. They only take appointments during the week, not the weekend. The latest they can schedule to see a gastro with an MD is 3pm. Normally, it's 4pm. They also want you there a little before the appointment to fill out paperwork. So, I'm guessing my best option now will be Digestive Health Specialists in Tacoma. I went there before, but had an awful nurse. Not even an MD. I need one with that title. Much as I admire nurses and think their awesome, they can't do as much or have the knowledge. Good to have on a team in addition. The gastro who performed my last colonoscopy there, sent me a reminder that I need to have another soon. Maybe I'll get to see him for it? He seemed knowledgeable and personable. Plus, it'd be easy to tell him I need a colonoscopy, since he sent me that reminder.
When I have my next one, I'll ask about having an upper endoscopy again. I had that with my 1st colonoscopy (they call it a double dip), and it showed that my stomach and duodenum (part in between stomach and small intestines) were affected. My 1st gastro told me that I'd need an endoscopy with my 2nd one to see how damaged they were. Also, that they'd be better able to determine that I have Crohn's if there was more damage. She wasn't sure if it was related. We know I definitely have colitis, we just don't know if it's related to Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis. She was leaning heavily towards Crohn's. I didn't have one last time. This will be my 3rd colonoscopy. I was diagnosed in July of 2015, so that seems like a lot of them in that short amount of time. The only thing I truly hate is the prep. I had a much easier method last time, but it still made me sick to my stomach. Try having a month's worth of Miralax mixed in a liter of Gatorade in one night, plus a couple of Dulcolax pills...So much better than the jug of Golytely and probably the easiest method, but it's still difficult to finish. I just hope my primary doesn't give me a hard time when I ask her. If she does, it looks like I'll be switching primary docs sooner than I expected. Need to anyways, but thought I'd switch after getting set up with a gastro.
Still need to make an appointment to see a gender therapist, too. Might do both of these later today. If not, the latest would be on Monday. It'd be nice to talk to someone about my gender and actually get started with medically transitioning. I'm nervous about seeing a therapist, because I haven't in a long time. (I think the last time was 6 years ago.) However, this is a different type. I also wanted to take better care of my other health related stuff beforehand.
Ashley's been really nice. She emailed me recently. It seems it's easier for her than the calls? I'm cool with people calling me, though. Anyways, she wondered if I had gotten the primary docs and gender therapists lists she sent and how I was. I felt a bit guilty about not progressing much on it. She said that there was no rush on her end. Taking care of my other health related stuff first is important, too. It's weird. I want to get started quickly, but am hesitant for some reason. It'll happen, though.
Youtube:
One Piece:
Thursday, December 20, 2018
12th of Tevet
Saw my primary doc on Monday. She seemed like a different person this time. Not nearly as rude and ignorant. It's most likely the last time I'll see her. It was for my next batch of refills for Lamotrigine and annual physical.
We started talking about my family history of breast cancer. My mom had it, her mom had it, and one of my mom's sisters had it. So, I'm at a huge risk. I came out to her as agender then. It threw her off big time. Eventually, she asked why I told her. I said because I'll need top surgery, and since I don't want it even masculinized or feminized, or to have nipples. Totally flat. It would dwindle my risk to pretty much nothing. (Nothing will completely eliminate it, but it's pretty dang close.) She was iffy about it. Like, somehow it wouldn't be enough, and I'd have to get mammograms still. How would they do a mammogram on someone who's flat like that? There's not enough tissue. How would it not be enough? Her compromise was referring me to a geneticist to see if I have the markers, I guess. Not sure if I actually will see one. I also felt like something weird was going on with my chest, so she did a breast exam. It felt weird enough that she was basically fondling me...Although, I know it was something that needed to be done. I couldn't look at them. If I look at them for too long, I end up having a panic attack. Hard when you're at risk, or even just doing things like taking a shower.
She asked me if I wanted to be more masculine. I told her there's nothing there for me. Neither a slightly masculine side nor feminine. I know it's weird, but it's just how I am. Things I might like that are designated men's or women's by society, are just like nice masks or something fun. I don't feel like they affirm or fit who I am. They're just things to me. I haven't really explored much of the men's section stuff (I'm slightly too nervous right now), but just seeing some of it interests me. Oh, the only men's section thing I have are actually sunglasses. Most people can't tell, and it seems pretty neutral. They're one of the best ones I've had, too. Cheaper than the women's ones. I think it'd be fun to make outfits and such out of both the men's and women's stuff together. I like the idea of messing with other people (as long as they don't kill me...), and it'd be refreshing to see something new like that. I'll have many more options as well.
She asked what I'd want done. When I got to hysterectomy/oophorectomy, she flailed her hands and told me to stop. She thought it was too much and that I'm 'overthinking' it. I'm too young. I know I look much younger than I am, but really? If it's because she thinks I might want babies in the future, I think I'm infertile. I've had so many life-threatening issues with those that I think it'd make it difficult or next to impossible to conceive. Not only that but it might give me a lot of dysphoria. Having colitis complicates it, too. With all this, even if I could become pregnant, the pregnancy itself and giving birth might kill me. Too many factors. I could adopt in the future. I thought about harvesting my eggs, but that's expensive (doubt it'd be covered), and I don't even know how viable they are now. Not only that but I'd still have issues when I decide I want to have baby...So, not only would taking them out be gender-related, but also overall health-related. Also, the IUD was only meant to be like a band-aid. They never meant for me to be on it for so long. It was so they could figure out what actually caused my 8-month long extremely painful 'friend'. It was the only thing that could stop it right away. No one looked into it more, though. If I have a hysterectomy/oophorectomy, I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. No getting the IUD implanted every 5-7 years, and no danger with my 'friends'. Win-win.
I explained to her that being an agender person with gender dysphoria, anything gendered could trigger it. She proceeded to tell me that bodies are bodies, this is my body, and bodies aren't necessarily gendered. Trying to talk me out of it. True, since I am an agender person, my body is agender. However, there are things that shouldn't be there. I can't think my way out of that. I asked if she would say the same thing to a man with gynecomastia and to just accept it. She changed her tune and was a lot more respectful afterwards. While I'm not masculine, it was an example that she could relate to more.
I got a reminder to have another colonoscopy. It's been 2 years. Interestingly, the reminder wasn't through KP (my insurance), but Digestive Health Services in Tacoma. I haven't seen anyone from there since. It was from the GI who performed the procedure last time. Anyways, I brought this up with her. She immediately made a referral to gastroenterology, despite her weirdness about it last time I saw her.
She saw my birthmark, and acted like she had never seen it before. It's huge and on my lower back. In the past, some people have asked me if it's a tattoo, and another one asked if someone was beating me. Really weird. There's a mole on it and some strange hair has cropped up only on that birthmark. She was worried about it. I was more worried about a skin tag under one of my knees. Her nurse took pics of both, and they were supposedly sent to dermatology to see what's going on. I don't need another thing...All in all it was a weird appointment.
I'm now enrolled in KP's Gender Health Program. They assign you a social worker first to help you navigate it. It seems like they're there for emotional support, too. They told me to wait until that social worker, Ashley, called me. They said it'd probably be in a week or 2. That was on Tuesday. She called me in the late afternoon yesterday. (Surprisingly quick!) My phone deemed the number she dialed as a scam. The number wasn't the same as the one I was given, so I didn't answer. Luckily, she left a message. The number I was given is her personal, or as she called it 'confidential', number. So, it's a bit different.
I called her back today. I didn't expect to talk to her for so long. She was incredibly nice and seems like she could really help me. She didn't say if she's had patients that were agender, but it seemed like she wanted to know about my personal experience as one. That's probably the best attitude.
We went through a lot of what I'd need, and it was nice just to talk to someone one-on-one about this stuff. She's going to send me a bunch of resources/info via email. She'll help me with getting a new primary that's trained in gender-related health care. She said that my current primary would be harmful for me (at least mentally), after I told her about my last appointment. I need someone that mostly 'gets it'. At least, the trans part.
She's also sending me a list of gender therapists to see. She said they could also help with other mental health stuff. I have to get 2 letters from different therapists, I think, in order to get top surgery. She said if need be, she can provide one. For bottom surgery, they'd need 1 letter. Bottom surgery for me is weird, though. Considering I think I'd only want a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, it doesn't seem like most. They could do it probably under different reasons, too. I don't know.
She asked if I wanted hormones. Thing is, I don't know my hormone levels normally. They could be really out of whack with just considering the facial hair (I try to shave it often, so it's not that noticeable) and issues with my monthly 'friend'. I don't know what 'results' I'd want. Not sure if I need it...She said I have a lot to sort through, but we'll take it one step at a time. She'll call me every week or so. Apparently, they're thinking of turning those calls into video-based. Like, through Skype or something. So we both can see each other, and it's more personal. That would be better.
I brought up that I had called the GHP line in a status on Patients Like Me. Someone responded with: "You go girl! You're so brave, and know that you're not alone! I'm sure I'm not the only one that supports you on here!" First, I'm not a girl. In my response to her, I went through what agender means, along with telling her I'm not a girl and I don't want to be referred to by gendered language. I gave alternative examples. I also told her it might have been confusing since I mentioned that she/her or they/them are my pronouns. Haven't had a response from that yet. I might have shut her up...Second, how am I brave? It seems like a weird word to use. I wasn't even saying that I'm the only agender person out there. I wasn't asking people to directly support me, either. That's great and all, but it was just an update. Probably had the most reactions out of all my posts on there. However, I've recently been more active about it.
I finished watching D.Gray-man. It's not the best anime I've seen, but it was good. That last arc just seemed never-ending. It's like things ended and came together a little too nicely. I'll start D.Gray-man Hallow soon. It's the sequel. The first one ended in 2008, newer one aired in 2016. A long time in between. The newer one is also only 13 episodes, while the older one is 103. Quite a difference.
Youtube:
One Piece Crack (Cracks are collections of humorous shorts from a series. Sometimes making fun of it, adding things to scenes, short amv's, etc. It can be another window into the series. Found most of these a while back):
One Piece amv:
We started talking about my family history of breast cancer. My mom had it, her mom had it, and one of my mom's sisters had it. So, I'm at a huge risk. I came out to her as agender then. It threw her off big time. Eventually, she asked why I told her. I said because I'll need top surgery, and since I don't want it even masculinized or feminized, or to have nipples. Totally flat. It would dwindle my risk to pretty much nothing. (Nothing will completely eliminate it, but it's pretty dang close.) She was iffy about it. Like, somehow it wouldn't be enough, and I'd have to get mammograms still. How would they do a mammogram on someone who's flat like that? There's not enough tissue. How would it not be enough? Her compromise was referring me to a geneticist to see if I have the markers, I guess. Not sure if I actually will see one. I also felt like something weird was going on with my chest, so she did a breast exam. It felt weird enough that she was basically fondling me...Although, I know it was something that needed to be done. I couldn't look at them. If I look at them for too long, I end up having a panic attack. Hard when you're at risk, or even just doing things like taking a shower.
She asked me if I wanted to be more masculine. I told her there's nothing there for me. Neither a slightly masculine side nor feminine. I know it's weird, but it's just how I am. Things I might like that are designated men's or women's by society, are just like nice masks or something fun. I don't feel like they affirm or fit who I am. They're just things to me. I haven't really explored much of the men's section stuff (I'm slightly too nervous right now), but just seeing some of it interests me. Oh, the only men's section thing I have are actually sunglasses. Most people can't tell, and it seems pretty neutral. They're one of the best ones I've had, too. Cheaper than the women's ones. I think it'd be fun to make outfits and such out of both the men's and women's stuff together. I like the idea of messing with other people (as long as they don't kill me...), and it'd be refreshing to see something new like that. I'll have many more options as well.
She asked what I'd want done. When I got to hysterectomy/oophorectomy, she flailed her hands and told me to stop. She thought it was too much and that I'm 'overthinking' it. I'm too young. I know I look much younger than I am, but really? If it's because she thinks I might want babies in the future, I think I'm infertile. I've had so many life-threatening issues with those that I think it'd make it difficult or next to impossible to conceive. Not only that but it might give me a lot of dysphoria. Having colitis complicates it, too. With all this, even if I could become pregnant, the pregnancy itself and giving birth might kill me. Too many factors. I could adopt in the future. I thought about harvesting my eggs, but that's expensive (doubt it'd be covered), and I don't even know how viable they are now. Not only that but I'd still have issues when I decide I want to have baby...So, not only would taking them out be gender-related, but also overall health-related. Also, the IUD was only meant to be like a band-aid. They never meant for me to be on it for so long. It was so they could figure out what actually caused my 8-month long extremely painful 'friend'. It was the only thing that could stop it right away. No one looked into it more, though. If I have a hysterectomy/oophorectomy, I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. No getting the IUD implanted every 5-7 years, and no danger with my 'friends'. Win-win.
I explained to her that being an agender person with gender dysphoria, anything gendered could trigger it. She proceeded to tell me that bodies are bodies, this is my body, and bodies aren't necessarily gendered. Trying to talk me out of it. True, since I am an agender person, my body is agender. However, there are things that shouldn't be there. I can't think my way out of that. I asked if she would say the same thing to a man with gynecomastia and to just accept it. She changed her tune and was a lot more respectful afterwards. While I'm not masculine, it was an example that she could relate to more.
I got a reminder to have another colonoscopy. It's been 2 years. Interestingly, the reminder wasn't through KP (my insurance), but Digestive Health Services in Tacoma. I haven't seen anyone from there since. It was from the GI who performed the procedure last time. Anyways, I brought this up with her. She immediately made a referral to gastroenterology, despite her weirdness about it last time I saw her.
She saw my birthmark, and acted like she had never seen it before. It's huge and on my lower back. In the past, some people have asked me if it's a tattoo, and another one asked if someone was beating me. Really weird. There's a mole on it and some strange hair has cropped up only on that birthmark. She was worried about it. I was more worried about a skin tag under one of my knees. Her nurse took pics of both, and they were supposedly sent to dermatology to see what's going on. I don't need another thing...All in all it was a weird appointment.
I'm now enrolled in KP's Gender Health Program. They assign you a social worker first to help you navigate it. It seems like they're there for emotional support, too. They told me to wait until that social worker, Ashley, called me. They said it'd probably be in a week or 2. That was on Tuesday. She called me in the late afternoon yesterday. (Surprisingly quick!) My phone deemed the number she dialed as a scam. The number wasn't the same as the one I was given, so I didn't answer. Luckily, she left a message. The number I was given is her personal, or as she called it 'confidential', number. So, it's a bit different.
I called her back today. I didn't expect to talk to her for so long. She was incredibly nice and seems like she could really help me. She didn't say if she's had patients that were agender, but it seemed like she wanted to know about my personal experience as one. That's probably the best attitude.
We went through a lot of what I'd need, and it was nice just to talk to someone one-on-one about this stuff. She's going to send me a bunch of resources/info via email. She'll help me with getting a new primary that's trained in gender-related health care. She said that my current primary would be harmful for me (at least mentally), after I told her about my last appointment. I need someone that mostly 'gets it'. At least, the trans part.
She's also sending me a list of gender therapists to see. She said they could also help with other mental health stuff. I have to get 2 letters from different therapists, I think, in order to get top surgery. She said if need be, she can provide one. For bottom surgery, they'd need 1 letter. Bottom surgery for me is weird, though. Considering I think I'd only want a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, it doesn't seem like most. They could do it probably under different reasons, too. I don't know.
She asked if I wanted hormones. Thing is, I don't know my hormone levels normally. They could be really out of whack with just considering the facial hair (I try to shave it often, so it's not that noticeable) and issues with my monthly 'friend'. I don't know what 'results' I'd want. Not sure if I need it...She said I have a lot to sort through, but we'll take it one step at a time. She'll call me every week or so. Apparently, they're thinking of turning those calls into video-based. Like, through Skype or something. So we both can see each other, and it's more personal. That would be better.
I brought up that I had called the GHP line in a status on Patients Like Me. Someone responded with: "You go girl! You're so brave, and know that you're not alone! I'm sure I'm not the only one that supports you on here!" First, I'm not a girl. In my response to her, I went through what agender means, along with telling her I'm not a girl and I don't want to be referred to by gendered language. I gave alternative examples. I also told her it might have been confusing since I mentioned that she/her or they/them are my pronouns. Haven't had a response from that yet. I might have shut her up...Second, how am I brave? It seems like a weird word to use. I wasn't even saying that I'm the only agender person out there. I wasn't asking people to directly support me, either. That's great and all, but it was just an update. Probably had the most reactions out of all my posts on there. However, I've recently been more active about it.
I finished watching D.Gray-man. It's not the best anime I've seen, but it was good. That last arc just seemed never-ending. It's like things ended and came together a little too nicely. I'll start D.Gray-man Hallow soon. It's the sequel. The first one ended in 2008, newer one aired in 2016. A long time in between. The newer one is also only 13 episodes, while the older one is 103. Quite a difference.
Youtube:
One Piece Crack (Cracks are collections of humorous shorts from a series. Sometimes making fun of it, adding things to scenes, short amv's, etc. It can be another window into the series. Found most of these a while back):
One Piece amv:
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