Mood:
Hope everyone who celebrates it had a great one!
For the ones who don't, I hope it was a great day for you, too. Dad and I did go to those friends of the family's place. There were 9 people this time. Not bad. Not as many as usual, though. We brought the crackers and herring for the appetizer. The person we picked up had brought 2 homemade pies, and 3 or 4 pies that were store-bought (she just warmed them up in the oven). The homemade ones were: sweet potato pie (I hate sweet potato!
) and apple pie. The others were: blueberry, cherry, pumpkin, and I think one other that I'm blanking on. There was an interesting pear and cranberry dish. I think the pears/cranberries were cooked, and the pears were peeled. It was really good, but half of one was very filling. It was also something I could eat, since I was following that list. The turkey was smoked, like usual. The person who brought the salad, had a lot of things I don't like added to it. So, I didn't feel too bad with turning it down. The stuffing was dry, but good. They always have one with chestnuts, and the other without. I hate chestnuts, so that works for me. There was the canned jelly cranberry sauce again. Good stuff. There was also peas, but they just seemed mediocre. Since that IBD grocery list encourages people to have squash, I had a slice of pumpkin pie and another of the blueberry. Wanted to try at least one other. They both were very good.
Eventually, 4 people left. So, it was just me, Dad, the hosts, and the person we had brought with us. I wanted to tell the hosts at some point about me being aro ace and creating a new local ace group. (Since they are like family, to me.) I don't know how, but the person that came with us got me talking about it before I brought it up with them.
She's very close-minded, and thinks her way is the only right way. I've found in the past that she's very ageist against most people who are younger than her, too. It's interesting because the hosts, and all the guests but her are very liberal, supportive, and open.
She kept saying: "You'll change your mind someday" over what I was saying. I think she thought I was saying that I'm celibate.
She also said: "You just haven't met the right man. You chose to be that, right?" So much wrong with this!
I felt like saying: "You'll become ace someday. You just haven't met the right person. You chose to be straight, right?" That would have put me on her level, though. I know it probably would have put it more into perspective for her, at least. The hosts understood it pretty quickly, as I talked more about it. She apologized eventually.
I brought up the idea of being in a qpr, and how it sounds wonderful to me. The hosts seemed to understand what that sort of relationship would be like, and the concept seemed nice to them. After saying what I might look for in a partner for it, the lady from before said: "So...it sounds like a dog would be what you're looking for, then?" No! I want a living breathing human being I can talk to and still be close to.
Comparing it to having a pet feels vaguely like bestiality somehow. It's a close relationship. Is it normal for people to date or have sex with animals? Animals and humans aren't the same...
I certainly hope relationships aren't entirely built on sex and romance normally. (This is coming from an aro ace. So, I don't really know.) There are a lot of different relationships/types of love out there. I think the 'bestiality' thing comes up when people don't understand orientations in general. Things out of what they deem 'normal' or 'natural'. I think she apologized after I explained it further, too.
Eventually, the idea of me making a book on asexuality was brought up. I think it'd be a huge undertaking, but from what I've seen there isn't a good one on it out there. The free one that I read, was about 25 pages, but could have easily been about 12 pages. He repeated himself several times. Didn't go into detail about anything. He shared a couple of his experiences, but not much. If I do one, I want it to be a lot more in-depth. Not sure if it'd center on me and I give out cited facts I've found online, or gather stories/experiences of other aces in addition to mine along with that info. There are so many different types of aces, there are little known sexualities in the spectrum, bring up the idea of (a)romantic attractions (and maybe the split attraction model as a whole), issues within the community, and so much more. It'd be jam-packed with a lot more info than that free book was. I didn't get much from that one.
Then, maybe at some other point, I can add this part of my identity to the memoir I've thought about writing. I'm starting to notice that I have more than enough 'material' to write one. I keep thinking I'm too young to write it, and then I realized I've gone through a lot already, and being aro ace adds another lens to it.
At the end, the dogs got to the herring, so we couldn't take that home. There were plenty of crackers left, though. Also, the person that came with us gave us 2 of the pies: apple and blueberry. Yay for more pie!
On the way back while dropping her off, she said I opened up her eyes. She said it was very interesting. What got me, a little, was at the end where she managed to say: "You could still change in the future. You never know." I have heard some people say that sexuality can fluxuate or change over time. That might be true for very few people. It's like me telling her: "You might change to being ace in the future." To many people this equates to telling someone that their orientation is a phase. That's not cool.
I saw someone shared a shirt recently that read: Straight was my phase. That seems more accurate...For many aces, we didn't know where we fell. So, we just assumed we were straight. (Some assumed they were bi. That's another big one I've read.) Realizing who you actually are eventually makes more sense. Once you've figured it out, often times, people don't suddenly change in the future. They are who they are. If they do change, they might have been in the process of figuring it out before. That's different. I think if I told straight people that who they were was just a phase, or eventually they'll magically have a new orientation in the future; they'd think I was crazy. That's what it sounded like to me, at least.
I just let it slide, because she was tiring in many ways. We were talking about what it's like to be the only Jew in school, and she suddenly brought up something related to Jesus. It was so weird, and we thought there would be a point to bringing it up, and there wasn't. For some reason, I feel like she isn't actually Jewish, and more of a 'Messianic Jew'. There's been some weird vibes with that over time, too.
I like how the first thing people brought up at the beginning, was that I looked like I lost a lot of weight. Half the time, I feel like I'm gaining. And, the other half, losing.
I have noticed that my pajamas have gotten much more baggy, and keeps falling off of me. That might be a sign of losing it again. But, I think I'm feeling like this based on me not getting my normal exercises in for months, and eating really oddly. So, my mindset on it might be skewed to what it is in actuality. Most of the time, I am eating less often. Except for dinner, eating less in quantity, too. Usually, anyways. Had a huge plate of mainly just spaghetti (the pasta, not very much sauce) for lunch today. Had a craving for it, and it certainly wasn't my new 'normal'. Felt like throwing it up afterwards, but to me, it was worth it.
I still have that weird thing where I have to remind myself to eat, since I don't experience hunger anymore.
Makes it hard to remember to drink my water and tea, too. I usually pair them up with food. Sometimes, if I end up moving around a lot, I try to drink more. The problem is, I've been told by my gastro to increase my normal fluid intake. I haven't even been hitting what's considered the norm. It's not good, because I actually feel the effect of that already. How do you increase something you haven't even hit the norm for in a while? It's a bit more difficult when you run out of Splenda for tea...
I feel weird adding calories to drinks, like when you use sugar. I have to tell myself that it's not that many calories, and I'm not eating quite enough as a whole anyways. Having just water, gets tiring. Tea is more exciting, even if we only had one flavor left of it. I'm also still taking citrucel at night, as well as the probiotics. Both of those have added sugar, too. I'm really not a fan of that...
I usually try to drink something else after having the citrucel, so I at least get more fluids that way.
I mentioned the 'IBD Grocery List', and some people seemed worried I wouldn't be able to eat what they brought. They shouldn't worry. I felt a little guilty though for making them suddenly feel that way.
It was interesting because part of what my gastro suggested was that I avoid insoluble fiber, but increase the soluble kind. I told them I can't have whole seeds/nuts, certain fruit/vegetable peels, etc. The person who brought the salad, suggested if having the pumpkin seeds separate would help. I hadn't gotten to telling them that I can't have raw vegetables, and even with fruit it might be preferred to cook them a bit. When I said that, and told them not to worry, they looked kind of hurt...I can't help what might help or harm me. It just is the way it is. The 'list' isn't technically about fiber, but that kind of thing was basically my gastro warning me/trying to make me feel more comfortable. Like, this will most likely help you. I think it has helped more, but it's limited things more, too. Probably contributing to me possibly losing weight again. On the list, they encourage eating things like fish, certain vegetables (asparagus, different types of squash- pumpkin being a big one, spinach, carrots, potatoes- peeled, and green beans), certain fruits (melon, bananas, apples- peeled or applesauce, peaches- without peel, mango, canned fruits), creamy peanut butter, chicken, turkey, eggs, white rice, oatmeal, etc. It's very interesting to look at.
I think I read that Ace Day was yesterday. So, not only do we have a week at the end of October, but a day at the end of November, too...
It's better than nothing. It apparently was also National Cake Day. Very fitting, and I wonder if it was planned that way? Without realizing it much, I was more active on AVEN, Tumblr (with looking at ace blogs), and in ace groups on facebook that day. Hadn't been active on AVEN for a while. Their new server is up and running now. Seems much faster, and I think it's made to accommodate more people. I actually posted to their aro thread, but there have been no responses/likes to it yet. Maybe it's just not that active. People seem to like my posts in the threads about what you drank or ate last. It feels like we think about food more than a lot of people...Also, was accepted into a secret Jewish ace group on facebook, called Jace. I think I asked to be invited on Friday. Not that long to wait. Really cool that I'll be able to get to know other Jewish aces.
I've noticed they range widely from secular/cultural to Orthodox. (According to a poll on there.) I'd personally want it to be a mix of different Jews. Makes it more interesting. Feels more like a community this way, too.
Well, Wednesday is a potluck, and Thursday is when my MRE is done. Potlucks are nice. It's a more social thing for the local trans group, too. MRE is essentially imaging on my small intestines. I'm nervous about the MRE.
It sounds like it'll take a good chunk out of the day. The test itself takes a while. I probably will do the blood test for it on Wednesday. They said I could do it as close to a day before, and it'd be fine. I probably won't eat from my last snack Wednesday or even that potluck, until after the test. If I remember correctly, it might end at around 2pm. That's a long time.
The only thing I'd have in my system, before that test, would be the contrast. I might not feel hunger, but there might be other bodily signs. I'm kind of excited about looking at the results, though. Even if it's really damaged. Something about seeing my insides, in a safe way obviously, sounds awesome. I'm in awe of looking at the way I look on the inside.
Sounds weird, but we're marvelous beings that way. Just seeing how things work or not work (in some instances), is beautiful to me. Felt that way about my endoscopy/colonoscopy, too.
I also noticed a new thing a couple of nights ago. It scares me, but it's so close to this test...They probably will see what's up with that, too. The lump I felt earlier, has grown more than I thought it did. Can see it more, too. Also, feels like something big is flopping around inside. Sometimes that 'thing' stings. I'm still afraid that it might be a semi-obstruction (that's getting worse), adhesion, or something similar. It doesn't feel like it's a simple thing. I hate not knowing.
My gastro said she'll email me as soon as she looks over the results, and we can go from there. I hope I can be put on painkillers soon. It's getting really difficult. Hard to come up with things that will keep me distracted enough. If I focus too much on it, the pain feels much worse. I'm also scared that I'll have to have surgery done. Had a dream about that last night. It's really getting to me. Some days, I feel like I could tell myself that nothing's wrong and it's all in my head. But, most days, that's far from the case. Those days where I feel I can somehow 'ignore' them or they aren't as bad, are getting fewer. Rosie seems to sense my pain, and is being a lot more needy. She's been leaning up against the most painful area more often, too. She's so sweet.
Mood:
This holiday was yesterday. Cashews are one of my fave nuts. My absolute fave is pecans, and walnuts come in a close 2nd. Cashews are close, though. Too bad I can't have them right now unless they're ground up smooth. Like 'creamy' peanut butter. I like whole nuts, and when there are little crunchy bits in peanut butter...We still have a variety of nuts at the moment, too...So sad! They're healthy, and packed with protein.
Hopefully, in the future I'll get to posting some songs on here again. Even if I've shared them already. Haven't really looked into new ones in a while.
On Saturday, the local trans group had their TDoR event. TDoR is Trans Day of Remembrance. The actual day was on Sunday, but it was easier to do it then. It's to remember the trans people who were murdered in the past year. Some remember the ones who committed suicide, as well as those who weren't reported. There probably were a lot more that weren't reported. The group made paper boats that had each victim's name written on them, and maybe whatever info was provided. Then, they were going to send them out onto the water at a park. I think they were going to say the names aloud and hold candles. I feel like that community is family, so it's an even heavier thing for me that way. I wasn't sure if I was emotionally ready. What really made up my mind was that I felt sicker than usual that morning. So, I thought I'd need as much time as I could sleeping. The side that usually isn't as bad as the rest of me, was really painful. Not the best state of mind to go to something like that if you're in pain all over.
After brunch, Rosie spooked me, and half of the tea that was left (it was a lot) spilled all over me. (A little bit ended up on the couch, and I tried my best to clean it up.) Half of me was drenched in it.Lovely. So, I had to throw what I was wearing into the washing machine, and change into new clothes.
Later, I started a fire in the fireplace. I'm a lot more used to those duraflame logs that are easy to light. Eventually, thinking I had started it, I took one of the gloves off that I used to pick up logs, and noticed I was covered in soot from halfway up my forearm to my entire hand. Someone had gotten a lot of it inside that glove. So, I went to wash it off, and then Dad noticed that there was smoke coming inside. The flue was open, so I looked in. Noticed the fire had died down, the logs probably just needed to be rearranged, and added some newspaper in the middle. Once I lit that newspaper, it really picked up. It was so hot that the kettle on top of the fireplace started sizzling and steaming. Didn't realize there was water or anything in it. It was really nice, though.
Throughout that time, I ended up getting soot all over both hands, washed them, got it on an elbow and an arm, washed them, then found out that there was some on the jeans I had switched to earlier. So, I had to wash them and change, again.
It was quite an odd and mixed day.
The night before that, Dad and I went to a youth Thanksgiving event. It's a group for LGBTQ+ youth, aged 13-20. The event is also for their families, the volunteers, and the families of the volunteers. Dad's a volunteer. Anyways, there was a really big turnout, and a ton of food.
Dad brought stuffing. There were about 3 different types of stuffing there. There was also ham (I don't eat it, but good for those who do), lots of turkey (tasted like it was smoked, which is what I like), cranberry sauce, about 3 different kinds of mashed potatoes, 2 different kinds of rolls, deviled eggs, squash (another thing I don't eat, and it had stuff on it), crackers and cheese, and several other things for the dinner part. There were a lot of desserts. 2 different types of pumpkin pie, 3 or 4 types of apple pie, sugar cookies, a weird salty muffin thing that looked like a chocolate chip cookie on top (one bite and I couldn't stand the salty and bitterness of it
), mini cupcakes, and something else I'm forgetting. I hadn't eaten much that day, was actually hungry for once, and there were things I could eat. So, it was satisfying that way.
Met some people I didn't know, and chatted with some of the ones I did know. One of the ones I knew is apart of the local Pride organization. He suggested that I post a link to the local ace facebook group I created to their page. I was nervous about that because of some of the things I've seen on places like Tumblr.But, they feel aces are definitely apart of that community, and welcome them. I've heard most LGBTQ+ organizations feel the same, but wasn't sure. Many people say the A in the extended acronym is for aces, and others say it represents 3 A's: aces, aros, and agender people. This makes sense, since they're similar in the sense that they lack something. 2 lacking orientations and the other lacking a gender. I fit under the first 2, yay!But, again a lot of the consensus seems to be that it represents/includes aces. I've read from some acephobic people that it really means ally. There are a lot of issues with that. The A wasn't there from the beginning. (It's rather new.) They tell people that it represents allies, but turn around and say allies don't need to be apart of it. Which I agree, they don't need to. Some of those people also deliberately only write out LGBT (some people don't want to write it out or don't know about the others, and that's perfectly understandable and different), and say those are the only communities in the 'true' acronym and the only ones that matter. That can be very damaging to many groups.Anyways, I didn't want to overstep somehow. I haven't gotten a response since I posted it yet. That's ok. I think he said he'll eventually tell other people about it, too. So, it's good to have the link shared.
There was also a thing where people could write something to the LGBTQ+ youth that was inspiring, motivating, or anything about what you've learned from your experience. I don't think I'm the best one to write something for it. I denied it when I was a teen, so something from me might not be the best advice...However, I wrote: You know yourself better than anyone. Don't let them tell you otherwise. Probably was lame.
I know some fellow aces online, and some pan and bi people, have been told that their orientation is not real. Or, they're just going through a phase, or they're really in denial about being gay, or they're just trying to be special, etc. Plus, my own denial about it, and thinking it wasn't 'normal' or eventually I'll be like everyone else. This is what I came up with based on this stuff. It's better than not writing anything, I suppose.
On Sunday, I decided to look at OKCupid again. Several years ago, I had tried out some of the free dating sites. Felt like it was kind of an obligation to do so at the time, and maybe I'd feel 'normal' about it after being on them for a while. I didn't realize I was aro back then. So, of course it would be weird to me.I'm not attracted romantically to anyone. Knowing what I know now, I wanted to mess around on some of them. OKCupid used to have straight guys who were only looking for sex, and harassed women. At least, when I was on there last. Also, I remember their questions/quizzes were interesting. They recently added ace as an option, too. So, I wanted to see if there were any aces in my area, befriend them, and tell them about the new local group I'm trying to create. Thought it'd be one way to get the word out.The problem was that there weren't any in the area. I excluded straight people from my searches in general, and didn't want them to find me. I mostly got gay men in those searches, which was very interesting. There were some bi women and men. It was interesting just to see people who weren't straight in the area. Pretty cool actually. The questions got boring really quickly. A lot of the ones that I got were based on sex. I specifically only checked the friendship part, for when they ask you what you're looking for. Some of the questions were weird like: At what point would you have sex with someone? First date, after a few dates, a couple of months, or not until marriage. There was no option for never, or it depends, or not interested, or N/A, or anything like that. Like all their members, even if some are ace, should have sex at some point.A lot of questions were like that. Also, I can't get my head around people having sex right after the first date...
So, I got bored very quickly, and no straight men harassed me when I allowed them to see me. I wanted to see what some would do when I'd say I'm aro ace. Like, a fun little thing. I wouldn't lead them on or pretend. That'd be cruel. They might have looked at the ace part on my profile, and thought it'd be a challenge. Although, many don't. So, I deleted my account after that.
I thought about looking into Plenty of Fish again. However, when I glanced at it last night, there was no ace option. In fact, they pretty much only had straight as an option. They didn't have more options for gender besides man or woman, either. (Very different compared to OKCupid.) No just friends, either. Options that were all about what you're willing to do for sex. I read some other aces had tried it, and it's really for (straight) sexuals looking to 'hook up'. Great...
I know the men were even worse on there, when I tried using it in the past, than OKCupid. Like they were really desperate. I remember one guy messaged me on my birthday, and we seemed to be getting along well. Then, he said we should meet in person, since it's my birthday. Oh, and later he'd give me a birthday 'surprise'. Hinting at sex, which took me a moment.I said no, and why can't we just be friends first? He told me that no 'real' man will ever want to be friends first. That threw me off. Insulting me at the same time as insulting his own gender, seemed weird to me. I blocked him after that, but there were many others that were similar. Another one said it was my duty as a women to have sex with him...Yeah, sure.
So, I think PoF would be more annoying than fun.
I've also heard about some ace dating sites, but hardly anyone uses them. There are platonic 'dating' sites that are ace-friendly. Those might actually be more relevant to me. So, we'll see.
Also, just joined an aro ace facebook group. It'll be cool to see/read about people who are even more like me. The ace groups I've joined so far have been nice, though. They usually have a good mix of romantic, aro-spectrum, and aro people, as well. So, it's good to see that overall spectrum represented. Just asked to be invited to a new Jewish ace secret facebook group, called Jace. So, that one would have another side of me represented, too. I'm following a blog called ace Jews on Tumblr, and that's been interesting in itself. Some of the mods are very religious, and some are pretty secular. Everything they share has a Jewish and ace touch to it. It's pretty awesome.
Hopefully, this new group on fb will be good, too.
I've been slowly looking up info/reading others' experiences on being aro. Relating to a lot so far. Just for fun, I decided to look to see if there's a flag, too. There is. I should say the community apparently can't decide on one design. From what I've seen, I like the first one the most. Many people apparently use it in their art, and still can buy that version. It's green, yellow, orange, and black. Meanings I've seen for it: green- represents the opposite color of red, which symbolizes romance. Yellow- for yellow roses that represents friendship. (Some have it as many different forms of love that's not romantic, too. One of them as queer/quasiplatonic love.) Orange- it's between yellow and red, for the aro-spectrum. Black- romantics that choose to reject traditional ideas of romance. Some say it looks too close to the Jamaican/Rastafarian flags. But, many have said that there are a lot of flags out there that look similar to others. It makes a lot more sense to me with the meanings.
Another flag was put out that kept the yellow, and apparently some members are sensitive to that color, so they redesigned it again. The most current one is green, light green, white, grey, and black. Green- again, for aro, as the opposite of red. Light green- aro-spectrum. White- platonic attraction/relationships/love. (Also, the importance of non-romantic love. It's not 'lesser' compared to romantic love.) Grey-Black- the sexuality spectrum, acknowledging aro aces, aro sexuals, and the grey area in between. It's ok, just not as colorful, there are 5 stripes (which seems a bit much), and the meanings seem a bit different/jumbled this way.
Aro aces tend to use an ace of spades card as a symbol. Some just use the spade, use whichever flag they want inside that, and have the ace flag in the background. I'm unsure if you can actually get that as a flag (it is a symbol some use in art and in other ways), but it'd be interesting. Some have suggested a white ring for aros, but it's not really a thing yet. I'd rather just have the black ace one, anyways. Arrows with the flag colors are another aro symbol. Very interesting and fun looking into it.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!So, I probably won't post before then. Hope people who celebrate it, have a great one. We're going to a friends' place. They're a couple who have been friends of the family for most of my life. In fact, it's felt like they're actually family for a long time. Not sure how many people are going. Sometimes there are a lot, and other times not many. I usually know most of them. We're bringing crackers and pickled herring. One of the types of crackers has seeds/whole grain, and the other is plain. I'm trying to stick to the way my gastro suggested I eat as best I can. So, I'll have the plain ones. Fish is one of the things that the list she gave me encourages me to have. So, that's a plus. I'll have to skip on the salad this time, since it won't be cooked. Sadness. I know last year someone also brought cheese 'crackers' and like 3 different cheese balls for their appetizers. The crackers were more like heart and star shaped cheese biscuits. One of those large cheese balls was good. She let me take some of the crackers home, since they were pretty tasty. She went over the top with the cheese stuff, though.It'd be funny if she does it again. That is if she'll be there this time. The host smokes their turkey, which is amazing. Although, sometimes it's a little dry. The hostess usually does the main dessert, I think. Oh, and the weird cranberry orange relish. I don't like it, so they always have the canned cranberry sauce for people like me. It's really good. I would probably prefer the real homemade version of cranberry sauce, though.
Regardless of that, it's nice to get together with them and some of the guests that I know. Also, they have 2 big easily excitable dogs. They're cute and seem to really like us. It'd be nice to see them again, as well. Although, they try their best the entire night to steal things. Especially, when we're sitting on the couch, and in chairs around it, while having the appetizers.
