Mood:
The holiday was a few days ago. I love big cupcakes. They're like personal cakes.
Our local international market does really huge ones. The frosting/topping is usually like twice as big as the cake part. I've only had one of theirs. I think it was a cherry one, with a whole cherry hidden inside the topping. 'Starbucks' or the Barnes and Noble's cafe has big ones, too. I like their red velvet one.
Speaking of baked goods, we recently went to a local bakery downtown. I live in a Norwegian-themed town. (Has influences from other Scandinavian countries, but Norway is the main one.) It was settled by Norwegians. Anyways, this bakery is pretty famous in the area, and their baked goods are Scandinavian influenced. In fact, some of them are actually pastries that you might find from that region. It was really crowded this time. Could barely move around to see what we wanted.
Probably was because of Christmas coming up. We get a lot of tourists this time of year.
The last time we were there was about a month ago. (Before that, it had been many years since I was there last.) I got a maple bar, Dad got something else for herself (can't remember), and also got an orange cinnamon bread. The maple bar was a bit stale, but there was a very thick layer of icing. More than what many of the local markets usually have. That was a plus for me. It still was pretty 'meh'. The bread was interesting. It had bits of orange peel in it, and icing on the outside. It was good heated up with melted margarine.
This time I got a frosted cinnamon roll, and we're sharing an apple cinnamon bread. The cinnamon roll had apple pieces, walnuts, a touch of orange, and was very buttery. Lots of frosting, too. It was more like a meal in itself. Really good stuff.
Probably heating it up made it even better. The apple cinnamon bread is pretty decent, too. It also has icing on the outside. Maybe next time I'll try their actual Scandinavian pastries. Not sure if their breads are, but a pastry that is would be interesting.
Had my gastro appointment last week. She's puzzled by what's going on with me. She wants to start over with everything, starting with a colonoscopy. She doesn't have much of the info from my previous gastro. Things like the notes on my symptoms, and not many of the blood tests. She does have some of the info about my previous colonoscopy in July 2015. They apparently had done something weird with the biopsies from that area.
She also seemed kind of patronizing when I asked about doing an endoscopy as well, like last time.
I remember that my stomach was slightly affected, and so was my duodenum. (From the pics they took.) I said I do have some stomach pain right now, too. I thought it would make sense just to look up there, especially if we're doing a complete do-over. She asked me where my stomach was in kind of a flippant way. Instead, I showed her where all the pain was, to show her that it encompassed pretty much everything in my digestive tract. She immediately traced the outline of my 'stomach' with her finger. Funny thing is, she actually traced where my heart should be.
I know that the stomach is near the heart, but it's not in the same spot. Heck, I've had to take some anatomy in classes (some college level) in the past. Had an anatomy section in AP Biology where we dissected things like piglets, and we looked at anatomy in Animal Science 101. (Had to for the meat class, too. That was lovely...
) Just a couple of examples. I'm no expert, but I at least have some basic knowledge. It was odd.
She told me I wouldn't have to take that Golytely laxative this time. That stuff was horrendous.
The first glass was ok, but I threw it all up after a sip of the next glass. It was sudden and made a mess, too. (Good thing I had been on a liquid diet, though.) I had to get an anti-nausea pill, yes one, just to try to drink more of it. I didn't even get to the halfway mark. It was enough, though. For a while, every time I had water or a certain Gatorade flavor, it would taste like that stuff. Anyways, she said I could take miralax instead. That is like a million times easier.
Apparently, they want people to order their prep kit. So, I went to order it, and realized that it actually costs. Around $30. That's quite a bit. Last time I had it through Group Health, and the 'prep' wasn't anything extra. Except for the co-pay of that anti-nausea pill, which wasn't much. This is actually out-of-network, but GH covers all this as if it were in-network, since my primary referred me to them. I think she has to ok everything they do. Also, one of the things in the kit that I saw on there was Golytely...So, she kind of lied this way.
I emailed the 'patient portal' about all of this, and even gave suggestions to a better way of doing it. Since I've done it before, I already have miralax (could get more if need be) and could get other stuff like Gatorade if I need it, and they could just email me when to start the miralax/liquid diet/other schedule stuff/etc. Simple and much cheaper. I also asked if I have to have this 'kit', will GH just cover the whole thing? So, hopefully they'll give me some answers about all this. The colonoscopy itself is next month. I did get an answer through their patient portal yesterday afternoon. They said they forwarded my email to the nurses that will work with the gastro who's doing the procedure, for 'review and response', and will get back to me as soon as possible.
She thinks some of my symptoms might be caused by azathioprine. Since she doesn't have the notes my previous gastro made about my symptoms, she's confused as to why I stopped taking balsalazide, and switched to aza. I remember that balsa. worked well right away. However, it seemed to stop working at some point. I wasn't getting better at that time. I was taking 9 of those horse pills a day. I wanted off them partially because of how big they were, and the amount I had to take. Felt like just taking all my pills was a meal itself. It filled me up so much. She told me I might need to drop aza. and go back to balsa.
I got an email from her yesterday about the blood test results. She wanted to see how the aza. was being metabolized. She didn't share the actual results, but said that my system was low on the aza. Saying that she'll explain it at my next appointment with her. That seems weird. I'd like to see the results along with her notes. It feels like she's keeping something from me this way.
Also, does this mean that the aza. isn't being absorbed well or something? Is it too low? Is it normal? I don't know. That also seems worse to just leave it at that. A very short message.
I know she might be frustrated with my case, but the way she's treating it lately seems almost unprofessional and rude.
There were so many great things I had heard about her, she was great at the beginning, but now I don't know what to think. At least, she's being much more thorough than my previous gastro, she actually communicates, and she's trying things. We'll see what happens after the colonoscopy.
Another peculiarity, for me, was when she said that people with Ulcerative Colitis don't have pain as a symptom. Every where you look it up, including on CCFA, they all say one of the most common symptoms is abdominal pain. (There are some who don't have pain, but not many.) She's actually on the CCFA board, so this is even more strange.
Both Crohn's and UC patients experience this symptom. Although, she did say I could have both, or just Crohn's. I've personally thought that I don't have UC, but Crohn's. All the tests/procedures have indicated it in the past, except for the IBD blood test result. Both my current and previous gastros have said that it's not a reliable test...
But, I don't think someone should spread false information about something. Even if I most likely don't have it. I'm growing slightly suspicious of her, but maybe she just had a down day, and I'll see what happens in the future. There were a lot of 'ifs' and 'could bes', too. She doesn't really know, but it was interesting to hear the possibilities.
I'm still having problems with sleeping because of the pain. So, it seems like an endless cycle at the moment with that.
Also, still not experiencing much hunger, unless I've fasted or have been put on a liquid diet. Sometimes when I think about food it makes me queasy. It still tastes good, though. I don't like the feeling of what food might be doing to me, which is partially why my body might be against the idea of it. It's tragic, to me, to equate food as pain. I love food!
I'm still trying to make sure I eat at certain times. I've been slacking a bit on my snacks. I think I should still keep those up, even if my dinners tend to be bigger lately. That's the other thing, sometimes (especially with dinner) when there's a lot, I don't have a problem, after the fist couple of bites, finishing most of it. Also, after every time I eat or drink (doesn't matter what it is, or how much), my belly swells up like a balloon. Feels scary.
I sometimes feel like cutting out the area that hurts the most with a sharp knife, find the 'issue', and show it to my gastro. It's silly (and I'd probably die quickly), but I think my mind's trying to make sense of it, too.
I finally finished re-editing and making an outline of Alliance. It took a while, and I stepped away from it for about a month, but it's done. There were a lot of mistakes, and it ended up being about 400 words less. Amazon ok'd it and made it 'live'/republished it much faster than they said they would. Smashwords quickly ok'd it for their regular catalog. It was flagged while they were reviewing it for their premium catalog. Apparently, they weren't sure who published it or something. I do mention both Smashwords and Kindle in it, but that's for mentioning editions, and one other thing. I want to represent both, since I used both of them. Should give credit for that, at least. I'm still the publisher, but they gave me platforms for it. I uploaded it again, this time without the mention of Kindle. It was approved soon after, and I checked which one they approved. Apparently, the first one that mentioned Kindle. That's interesting. Maybe next time I won't be worried about changing it to only say one of them. I probably should ignore that sort of flag, unless they deny it, and the reviewer actually tells me what was wrong. They'll soon have the revised edition 'arrive' at their other distributors. Like Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Apple, etc. But, yay! The revised edition is ready at both Amazon and Smashwords.
Wanted to make an outline of it so that I have all the important bits/framework handy. I'm thinking of making a sequel to it. I probably could turn it into a series. There's so much more to their world. I feel like the first book barely scratched the surface.
I'll re-edit Sweet Endless Terror next. I don't think there will be many mistakes. It's hard to read much of this one in one sitting for me. I get flashbacks of some of the nightmares they're based on. At least, the stories are actually toned down quite a bit compared to those actual nightmares. Anyways, I might have to go through it in short bursts. I'll republish it, too. Especially, if I find a lot of errors. I also have many other recurring nightmares, so maybe in the future I'll write another anthology.
Started watching an American TV show called Zoo on Netflix. (I normally bring up Japanese dramas on here.) Been watching things on Netflix more often in general, to distract me from the pain. Anyways, I'm kind of addicted to this one, now. Just have one more episode to the first season left. It has 3 seasons, but Netflix only has 2 of them. I don't see how they can make more than 1, even if I'm almost finished with the first season. Should be interesting, though. It's based on a book.
It reminds me of Animal Farm. Only the animals don't actually speak a human language (like in Animal Farm there's the "4 legs good, 2 legs bad" line), and it's all animals from around the world, not just farm animals. In this, the animals have had enough of what humans have done to them. Like, hunting them, keeping them as pets, abusing them, testing on them, eating them, etc. They apparently get a 'defiant pupil' in one of their eyes. So, you can tell when they've changed. Reiden's (?) products all have the same main ingredient called the 'mother cell'. They supply most of the world's animal products. (In their world, obviously.) Things like pet food, animal medicine, food for zoo animals, pesticides, etc. That mother cell is making the animals evolve/mutate at a faster rate. So, traits that might take centuries to develop take almost no time. That's the theory so far. The animals have attacked technology, all birds can communicate with each other, all the animals seem to be attacking/killing humans, they're smarter, and more. There was one human that was injected with it, and he developed the 'defiant pupil'. He could communicate with wolves. He later died trying to rip his eye out, because he couldn't stand what it was doing to him. It'd be interesting if other humans had it, too. They also travel the world. They probably didn't actually travel to some of these places, but it's still a cool thing. Interesting actors, too. Many of them have been on popular shows (like Game of Thrones and Mad Men), and have interesting backgrounds to their characters and themselves.
I also went a little crazy with the Hanukkah decorations this year. For the past few years, I hardly put anything up. I wanted to be more out with it, needed to focus on something happy, and it was kind of a comforting thing to do. It's a very minor holiday, but it's one of my faves. Get to light candles, sing, have oily foods, play games, etc. Not a bad, low-key, very warm holiday.
It's also referred to as the Festival of Lights. Managed to figure out how to get a ceiling dreidel hanging/canopy decoration up.
I used it while I was in college. For a couple of the dorms I was in, the rooms were long and narrow. Perfect for putting something like this up. There were hooks close to the door near the ceiling, and hooks near the ceiling on the other side. Often, people would walk in after they saw the decorations, and immediately start asking questions. Particularly about Christmas, and what Hanukkah (in their minds) had to do with it. Usually very religious Christians. Usually those questions got pretty intense/personal. They were just in utter disbelief that I don't celebrate it, there's no Jesus in Judaism, that they're totally different religions, and Hanukkah had nothing to do with Christmas or them. Then, they usually wanted to try and convert me. It was quite a...strange experience. I'm usually the one that wants to educate people about it, so I might have been a little too nice about that.
Anyways, this time I used pushpins. I started out with different types of strong tape, but they didn't work. This has worked well so far. It hasn't fallen yet. Rosie is annoyed by it. She can't reach the hanging dreidels. Also, all the dreidels have shins and nuns. (On both sides.) In the game, if you get a shin you put half your pile into the pot. With nun, you don't do anything. With hey, you get half the pot. With gimmel, you get all of the pot. So, they only have the 'negative' letters. I didn't notice that before, and seems odd. I also put up dreidel-shaped lights around a window inside, because I thought it'd be easier for me right now. After using one of the more durable tapes, it's stayed up, too. At least it's visible. Another side of holiday is to have people outside see things like the menorah. It's us being visible, and I think we need that more now. Although, that makes people vulnerable, as well.
Tried out the Japanese version of Cold Case. It was somewhat good. The characters acted very much like their American counterparts. I think it was a collab with the original creators and the people behind the Japanese one. There were some Japanese touches, but it felt like something was lacking. Somewhat flat. I got bored of it by the 2nd episode. Probably will drop it.
Almost finished with Soshite, Dare mo Inaku Natta, or And Then There Were None. This one has been really good. Lots of twists, turns, revenge, and betrayals. Never know who's really a 'bad guy' or 'good guy'. And, with the last episode I saw, there was one of the biggest twists. Interesting to see how it'll turn out. It's very much like Nowhere Man, and a little bit like The Fugitive. There are quite a lot of unique elements to it, though. Since I'm dropping Cold Case, this is the only Jdrama I'm watching. Almost through with it, too. I really like their dramas. They seem more original and/or unique than many American ones. British ones are good, too. I could pick up GM Odore Doctor again. It's about an eccentric doctor who's into dancing. I had barely started it a long time ago. Not sure about it. I could also watch the Japanese movies/specials on my growing list. Those have a different 'feel'. Although, it would be nice to go through more of it. We'll see.
I did watch the live-action movie of Kuroshitsuji or Black Butler. It was better than I expected, but still not that great. It was a separate story set a little into the future. The original story is set in the late 1880s, in England. This one takes place in Japan, I think. The main character is a girl who has to act/dress like a boy in order to inherit her family's business/estate. She has a similar background as Ciel with his parents, being kidnapped, and tortured. Also, with meeting Sebastian and making a contract with him. Even with the semi-evil aunt. Also, the company's name is the same. She's also the Queen's 'guard dog', like he is. (Not sure who the 'Queen' is in this timeline. They never show her in the movie.) I love the actor that played Sebastian, but frankly, I don't think he was the right fit. Even his hair didn't seem right. And, I know that basically bringing the manga/anime version of him to life will be different; it could have been much better. I've seen snapshots of the musical, and the actor that plays him in that is much better. Similar build, the hair's more relaxed, (saw a short video with him in it) he's much better at getting the personality down, etc. This movie version didn't seem very well acted, either. They actually had Meirin and Tanaka. Meirin is a maid who's also an assassin, and Tanaka is the previous butler. In rare instances, Tanaka does give Sebastian advice in the manga. He's not always shown as a happy oblivious elderly person who sips tea all day. He's apparently still a powerful swordsman. In the movie, he only appeared once at the end. Meirin had a more important role. I'm a little disappointed that they didn't have the other servants. Like the chef, Baldroy, and the gardener, Finnian.
Mood:
This holiday was actually on Sunday. Yay for cookies!
Kind of seems like a vague one. Some of my faves are: snickerdoodle, chocolate chip (with huge chunks of chocolate), pumpkin, thick sugar ones, cowboy, iced gingersnaps, butterscotch, lemon coolers, and more.
Except for the gingersnaps and lemon coolers, I like my cookies really soft, gooey, and slightly under cooked.
This is my wallpaper for December. It's Amaimon and Mephisto from Ao no Exorcist or Blue Exorcist. They're demon brothers, and half-brothers to Rin and Yukio. Mephisto is the Demon King of Time and principal of True Cross Academy, which is odd because it's where some students are trained to become exorcists. He's also an honorary knight. Amaimon is the Demon King of Earth, and has fought against Rin a couple of times. In the manga, Mephisto broke Amaimon out of jail, and recently enrolled him into True Cross Academy as Ambrosius Faust. Claiming him as his nephew. Not sure where that's going. Thought this would be a fun one.
My beagle calendar has an adult beagle sitting with a beagle puppy. The adult looks tired of the puppy. The puppy looks like they're nibbling on the adult's neck. They seem to be near some flowering bushes. It lists some facts about having a beagle as a pet. The fun fact was about how in 2014 American Eagle Outfitters had an April Fools joke promoting a clothing line called American Beagle Outfitters. The response was overwhelming, so they actually produced the collection in real life.
My Jewish calendar features a menorah, made out of brass, and has an unknown maker. There's no mention of a year or where it's from. It looks old, though. The design is interesting. There are thick vines around the front. Vines, flowers, and leaves for the sides and back. The candle holders are a bit odd. They're slightly open at the front, and the shamash candle is so high from the other ones that I almost didn't see it. Usually the shamash is slightly above the rest, but this seems exaggerated.The shamash candle is the 'helper', and we light the other candles with it. It also features another menorah, made out of silver, by an anonymous maker, Netherlands; 1805. This one's more traditional looking. Very thin, though. Cool to see such an old one. It also features another menorah, made by Arie Ofir, out of titanium and silver, Jerusalem, Israel; 1983. The candle holders look like they're ascending pipes, with a silver staircase behind them. Interesting. Oh, technically these are hanukkiah, which are specifically Hanukkah menorahs (menorot for plural usually). Menorah lit. means 'lamp'. A regular menorah has 7 branches, and a hanukkiah has 9.
There's only one interesting month-long holiday this time: National Egg Nog Month. I love egg nog (of course the non-alcoholic kind), despite it being associated with a holiday I don't celebrate...I like to put a little nutmeg on top. Recently got some egg nog flavored tea. It doesn't really taste like it, but it's pretty good.
Crohn's and Colitis Awareness Week started on the 1st and goes until tomorrow. I added a twibbon filter for my profile pic on facebook. Might have shared one or two articles related to it. Not much. Although, with the pages I follow related to it, they rarely post things that I feel strongly enough about to share. (Or, even to like.) Not a lot of interesting/useful things, to me.In fact, some of the general science pages I follow, have more interesting stuff on it. Like they'll occasionally share stuff about autoimmune diseases, how the gut affects the rest of the body (including the mind), some actual Crohn's/Colitis related stuff, etc. I get more from them.
There's a big difference between IBS and IBD. When I went to try and get a blood draw done for the MRI on Thursday, I had to tell them I had IBD. I should have just said colitis instead...
The tech immediately said: "Oh, so, for IBS?" No. I told her that we're not sure if it's Crohn's or UC yet, and she understood it more then. Turned out there wasn't an order for the blood draw, and it didn't matter.
I've had IBD be confused with IBS before. Although, not often.
IBS is Irritable Bowel Syndrome. IBD is Inflammatory Bowel Disease. Right away you can tell one is a syndrome, the other a disease. (Also, one is irritable, and the other is inflammatory.) IBS doesn't cause inflammation, ulcers, or other types of permanent damage to the bowel. So, there are no signs of a disease with it. People can have abdominal pain, diarrhea, constipation, or alternating bouts of those last 2. People who have it also don't have intestinal bleeding, or the harmful (sometimes fatal) complications that often occur with IBD. Those people are not at a higher risk of colon cancer, nor more likely to develop more gastrointestinal diseases. IBS seldom requires hospitalization, and treatment doesn't usually involve surgery or powerful meds, such as steroids or immunosuppressants. I personally am on an immunosuppressant that's also a chemo med. I've been on prednisone in the past, too. IBS can cause a lot of pain, and I'm totally not belittling that, just showing how different they are.
After all, I don't personally know what it's like to have it. I really do feel for those who have IBS, and wish they didn't have to go through that pain. Going over the facts, IBD is a lot more severe. IBS is also not an autoimmune disease. My immune system is attacking my digestive tract. That's why I need things like an immunosuppressant. That just slows it down, though. There's no cure, and when people go into remission, it's not 'gone'. Just slowed down so much that we don't suffer symptoms. It's still slowly eating us. Also, being on an immunosuppressant, I'm more likely to get sick often. Haven't been that great about trying to keep myself from getting sick. Doesn't help that I haven't gotten my flu shot yet. I either keep forgetting, or don't have time for it. There aren't malabsorption issues with IBS, either. I haven't been absorbing protein very well for a while now. There was something else that I'm not absorbing well, but can't remember. I think my memory's slightly affected by that immunosuppressant. Not a lot, but I've been blanking on some things. It seems, to me, the longer I'm on it, the more it's affecting me in some ways.My new gastro, mentioned that we'll go over the nutrition stuff soon. (This is probably affecting me, too.) After I get the current thing taken care of, or at least know what's going on. Also, IBD can affect other areas of the body. Like, your eyes, bones, hair, muscles, joints, mouth, etc. Not to mention the side effects of the meds/other treatments added to that.
On Thursday, I had my MRI- Enterography. It's imaging of my small intestines. I was told not to eat anything after 8am, but I decided to make it easier, and started with not eating at around 10pm Wednesday night. Didn't eat again until close to 4pm Thursday. I hadn't fasted like that in a long time. Mainly because I have to take my meds with food.
They gave me 3 large bottles of barium contrast. I apparently drank them faster than they wanted me to.I thought it would be good to get that part over and done with as fast as I could. It tasted pretty good. Kind of like blueberry soda. They put me in a large cold room alone. It was originally made for another MRI machine (it wasn't there anymore), but they were in the process of remodeling it. At least, I was sitting in a big recliner, and they gave me a warm blanket. They wanted my feet up for some reason, and grabbed a chair for them. A nurse gave me a few magazines to read, saying they were the only female-type magazines they had. Kind of seemed sexist, even though it came from another woman.One was a travel one, another a beauty one, and the last was a Martha Stewart one. Looked through the travel one, but most of it was full of ads. I wasn't interested in the others. I had about 40 minutes of alone time beforehand. (This was without my iPhone.) So, I got bored really quickly. Even with staring at the huge pic of a mountain scene on the wall beside me, and one with a tree scene on the ceiling got old real fast. So, I fell asleep.
Oh, they had me get into a hospital gown, some weird pants, and socks. The gown's always too big for me. I've never worn those pants before, or was told to before. They were too big for me, too. It even had a draw string, but didn't pull it close enough. It also had holes in the front. If there are holes, what's the point?I suppose they wanted me to keep warm or something. The socks were too big, as well. It was hard to walk around in that sort of outfit. I had to hold things up.
When they finally were ready to do the scans, they took forever to get the IV in. There were 3 nurses, instead of one. Many of the things I read for it said that there would just be one. They gave me a shot of another type of contrast. That one slows down the movement in your intestines, so the pic is less likely to be blurred. Almost immediately after that shot, I felt like I was going to throw up. They started to fuss over me more, and put a cold compress on my forehead. That fussing around just made me feel more nauseous. Managed to calm down and keep it together eventually. It was a very heavy feeling. I had an interesting sloped pillow put under my legs. Had about 3 or 4 other pillows around me. I guess to prop me up enough to get in the right position. At first, they gave me a thing to squeeze to alert them in an emergency or if I had some sort of an attack. Apparently, that happens with a lot of people. I actually love tight enclosed spaces. The machine looked and for the most part was cozy. My arms were in strange angles, so they were essentially the only parts of me that were not in a comfortable position. About 10 minutes into it, they pulled me out, and said my bladder was too full. They couldn't see around it. One of them said that I must be extremely uncomfortable, if not in pain because of it. I told them I didn't even know my bladder was full. Had no feeling that it was. They seemed even more worried about it after that, and told me to go to the bathroom immediately. Kind of embarrassing and weird.
I almost wonder if something is going on with my bladder? A few minutes after I got back and was still in the machine, they gave me another shot through my IV. I'm guessing it was to put more of that contrast in. That part was a bit scary. I had a hard time holding my breath long enough at times, and my abdominal muscles would involuntarily move. Maybe they thought if my muscles were doing that, another dose of that contrast would help? The whole 'procedure' was about an hour and a half. One of the last things I was told, was to drink as much as I could so I could flush things out of my system.
On the way back to the car, I immediately needed to go to the bathroom. I guess my intestines had woken up. Dad and I decided to go to Mizuki Buffet for dinner. It was close to 4pm by the time we got there, and I still hadn't eaten. I felt really horrible and sick on the way. I think it was partially what they did to me, and partially because I hadn't eaten for so long. I needed to go to the bathroom again once we got there. Kind of felt weird.Once I started eating and drinking, I felt a lot better. The buffet has a wide variety of food. Not just Asian. There's a sushi bar, barbecued (I think) salmon skins (I love these!), prime rib, sausage, frog legs (I didn't have this, but it seemed new and interesting. Didn't have the prime rib or sausage, either), mac and cheese, garlic bread, chicken teriyaki, broiled fish, egg tarts, fried rice, bok choy, garlic green beans, sesame balls, Chinese donuts, potato salad, miso soup, and more. They have a chocolate fountain where you can dip marshmallows and fruit in. Lots of different types of cake, puddings, creme brulee, chocolate bark with little chocolate decorations on top, and more. Pretty much something for everyone there.Probably the best place to be when you've fasted for so long. I think I ate a little too much, though. It was worth it. Stomach was very sore for a couple of days after the procedure.
My gastro's assistant called yesterday morning. Saying that my gastro got the results of my MRI and wanted to discuss it with me. I was reluctant to, because she had told me she'd email me what she thought of it, unless it's serious.
I called back in the afternoon. Apparently, I was so backed up and constipated that she couldn't see much. Especially, in the lower part. It was really compacted. Of what she could see, there wasn't any inflammation. This makes me more worried. She seems more concerned about it than before. too. I still think I have something like a partial obstruction or adhesion. It still could be a possibility. She knows, at the very least, that there's something up with the constipation. We've tried a lot of things to clear it, too. So, her assistant told me that she wanted me to go on a liquid diet for 2 days. Take miralax twice a day during that time, as well. I'm unsure about citrucel, but I'm going to take twice the amount, too. After 2 days, they want me to an x-ray of the area done. I hope I'm more cleared out by then. So, this will probably be Wednesday afternoon.
So, last night I got chocolate flavored Boost Plus for my 3 main meals during the day. And, butterscotch pudding for my snacks. I'm not used to things like Boost. Tastes like a chocolate milkshake with a slight aftertaste. Pretty good, and better than expected. It has less of an aftertaste the longer it sits in the refrigerator. So, the one I had for dinner last night had the strongest aftertaste. The pudding is a nice treat, and I also thought it'd be filling. I've noticed I get pretty full as is with the double dose of miralax, double dose of citrucel (drinking extra water with it), tea with my 'meals' and 'snacks', more water with my regular pills, and probiotic gummies. I switched over to the pill version of citrucel recently. I have to cut those pills up, or I'll choke.Learned that the hard way the first night taking them. They swell as soon as they hit my throat. Dangerous stuff. Not sure which is better, the pill form or powder, though. I switched to a pill form of the probiotics tonight, too. My belly's bloated up and feels dense, too. I wonder if all this is just filling up my stomach and not going anywhere?
I don't know what will show up on the x-ray, or what will happen next. Scares me quite a bit. My next gastro appointment is on the 14th. Not sure if she'll email/call me beforehand about the results. Or, if she'll tell me to do more things. I hate not knowing what's going on.
Well, some good news is a lot of my fave anime are coming back soon.A lot of them during the coming winter season. Ao no Exorcist and Gintama being big ones. I didn't think Gintama's last season was going to start so soon. (In January.) I don't think many people did. The announcement was pretty recently. It's my fave anime. elDLIVE will start it's anime version next month, too. I like the manga so far, and it's created by the same mangaka that did Hitman Reborn. Another one of my faves. Should be interesting. Kuroshitsuji: Book of the Atlantic movie is coming out next month, too. Probably won't be available for a while, but awesome! I loved that arc in the manga, and should be interesting to see an anime version of it. Kekkai Sensen's 2nd season will be soon. They're not clear exactly when. Just sometime in early 2017. Uchouten Kazoku's 2nd season is coming up, too. Also, sometime in early 2017. It's been a while since its first season. Didn't know they'd make another one. It seemed to be wrapped up well at the end. So, I'm not sure what they'll do for it. Should be good, though.
Also, catching up on Naruto Shippuden. Almost to the most recent episode. The 2 episodes I saw today were actually really good. Made me tear up. Sasuke made me cringe at times, but he finally came to his senses. I want to like him, but I just can't fully do so. Liked him a little more after those episodes, though. He seemed more human and warm about things. Parts of it were shocking, but I won't reveal too much about that. The last episode had a pretty good ending. Not sure where they'll take it from there. The big war is over, and things seem more peaceful than they were before. I looked at when the manga started, and it was a one-shot in 1997. It was turned into a series 2 years after that. The first anime series (just titled Naruto) started in 2002, and Naruto Shippuden started in 2007. It's much older than I thought.
(Or, remember seeing.) I haven't been watching it since the very beginning. Although, I have with Shippuden. (I have watched the first series, as well.) I only stopped watching close to a year ago, since the 'fillers' were getting to be too much. Only skipped those fillers after coming back to it recently. It's infamous for its fillers. Many have dropped it because of that. I do want to know what happens with the story and how it ends, and I'm glad I went back to it. Also, glad I got to skip all the pointless episodes in between.
Hanukkah starts the night of the 24th and goes until the 1st. It's kind of late this year. It's a very minor holiday, but one of my faves. We get to light the candles, have oily food (like donuts and latkes), sing, play dreidel, and maybe have some gelt or chocolate coins. For kids, there usually are presents. They're usually cheap little things until the final night, where they might get what they really wanted. I think the presents thing came about when some kids saw their Christian friends get presents on Christmas, and they wanted something like that. It used to not really be a 'thing'. Students used to give coins to their teachers as gratitude during the holiday, before the present thing came about. I think that's why we also have gelt. To symbolize it. I like the idea of kids giving back to their teachers more. Although, I did get some cool things during Hanukkah as a kid.
It's a warm and light-filled holiday. Nice during the winter. Rosie seems to like to watch the candles. Not sure if I'll even have the energy to make latkes from a box. Although, it would be nice to have latkes for at least one of the nights. Saw a good looking recipe for sufganyot or jelly-filled donuts. Didn't know you could make them at home like that. Maybe I'll do that next year. Not sure if I'll put decorations up for it. For the past few years, I've been putting very little up. So, we'll see.
Mood:
Hope everyone who celebrates it had a great one!For the ones who don't, I hope it was a great day for you, too. Dad and I did go to those friends of the family's place. There were 9 people this time. Not bad. Not as many as usual, though. We brought the crackers and herring for the appetizer. The person we picked up had brought 2 homemade pies, and 3 or 4 pies that were store-bought (she just warmed them up in the oven). The homemade ones were: sweet potato pie (I hate sweet potato!
) and apple pie. The others were: blueberry, cherry, pumpkin, and I think one other that I'm blanking on. There was an interesting pear and cranberry dish. I think the pears/cranberries were cooked, and the pears were peeled. It was really good, but half of one was very filling. It was also something I could eat, since I was following that list. The turkey was smoked, like usual. The person who brought the salad, had a lot of things I don't like added to it. So, I didn't feel too bad with turning it down. The stuffing was dry, but good. They always have one with chestnuts, and the other without. I hate chestnuts, so that works for me. There was the canned jelly cranberry sauce again. Good stuff. There was also peas, but they just seemed mediocre. Since that IBD grocery list encourages people to have squash, I had a slice of pumpkin pie and another of the blueberry. Wanted to try at least one other. They both were very good.
Eventually, 4 people left. So, it was just me, Dad, the hosts, and the person we had brought with us. I wanted to tell the hosts at some point about me being aro ace and creating a new local ace group. (Since they are like family, to me.) I don't know how, but the person that came with us got me talking about it before I brought it up with them.She's very close-minded, and thinks her way is the only right way. I've found in the past that she's very ageist against most people who are younger than her, too. It's interesting because the hosts, and all the guests but her are very liberal, supportive, and open.
She kept saying: "You'll change your mind someday" over what I was saying. I think she thought I was saying that I'm celibate.She also said: "You just haven't met the right man. You chose to be that, right?" So much wrong with this!
I felt like saying: "You'll become ace someday. You just haven't met the right person. You chose to be straight, right?" That would have put me on her level, though. I know it probably would have put it more into perspective for her, at least. The hosts understood it pretty quickly, as I talked more about it. She apologized eventually.
I brought up the idea of being in a qpr, and how it sounds wonderful to me. The hosts seemed to understand what that sort of relationship would be like, and the concept seemed nice to them. After saying what I might look for in a partner for it, the lady from before said: "So...it sounds like a dog would be what you're looking for, then?" No! I want a living breathing human being I can talk to and still be close to.Comparing it to having a pet feels vaguely like bestiality somehow. It's a close relationship. Is it normal for people to date or have sex with animals? Animals and humans aren't the same...I certainly hope relationships aren't entirely built on sex and romance normally. (This is coming from an aro ace. So, I don't really know.) There are a lot of different relationships/types of love out there. I think the 'bestiality' thing comes up when people don't understand orientations in general. Things out of what they deem 'normal' or 'natural'. I think she apologized after I explained it further, too.
Eventually, the idea of me making a book on asexuality was brought up. I think it'd be a huge undertaking, but from what I've seen there isn't a good one on it out there. The free one that I read, was about 25 pages, but could have easily been about 12 pages. He repeated himself several times. Didn't go into detail about anything. He shared a couple of his experiences, but not much. If I do one, I want it to be a lot more in-depth. Not sure if it'd center on me and I give out cited facts I've found online, or gather stories/experiences of other aces in addition to mine along with that info. There are so many different types of aces, there are little known sexualities in the spectrum, bring up the idea of (a)romantic attractions (and maybe the split attraction model as a whole), issues within the community, and so much more. It'd be jam-packed with a lot more info than that free book was. I didn't get much from that one.Then, maybe at some other point, I can add this part of my identity to the memoir I've thought about writing. I'm starting to notice that I have more than enough 'material' to write one. I keep thinking I'm too young to write it, and then I realized I've gone through a lot already, and being aro ace adds another lens to it.
At the end, the dogs got to the herring, so we couldn't take that home. There were plenty of crackers left, though. Also, the person that came with us gave us 2 of the pies: apple and blueberry. Yay for more pie!On the way back while dropping her off, she said I opened up her eyes. She said it was very interesting. What got me, a little, was at the end where she managed to say: "You could still change in the future. You never know." I have heard some people say that sexuality can fluxuate or change over time. That might be true for very few people. It's like me telling her: "You might change to being ace in the future." To many people this equates to telling someone that their orientation is a phase. That's not cool.I saw someone shared a shirt recently that read: Straight was my phase. That seems more accurate...For many aces, we didn't know where we fell. So, we just assumed we were straight. (Some assumed they were bi. That's another big one I've read.) Realizing who you actually are eventually makes more sense. Once you've figured it out, often times, people don't suddenly change in the future. They are who they are. If they do change, they might have been in the process of figuring it out before. That's different. I think if I told straight people that who they were was just a phase, or eventually they'll magically have a new orientation in the future; they'd think I was crazy. That's what it sounded like to me, at least.I just let it slide, because she was tiring in many ways. We were talking about what it's like to be the only Jew in school, and she suddenly brought up something related to Jesus. It was so weird, and we thought there would be a point to bringing it up, and there wasn't. For some reason, I feel like she isn't actually Jewish, and more of a 'Messianic Jew'. There's been some weird vibes with that over time, too.
I like how the first thing people brought up at the beginning, was that I looked like I lost a lot of weight. Half the time, I feel like I'm gaining. And, the other half, losing.I have noticed that my pajamas have gotten much more baggy, and keeps falling off of me. That might be a sign of losing it again. But, I think I'm feeling like this based on me not getting my normal exercises in for months, and eating really oddly. So, my mindset on it might be skewed to what it is in actuality. Most of the time, I am eating less often. Except for dinner, eating less in quantity, too. Usually, anyways. Had a huge plate of mainly just spaghetti (the pasta, not very much sauce) for lunch today. Had a craving for it, and it certainly wasn't my new 'normal'. Felt like throwing it up afterwards, but to me, it was worth it.I still have that weird thing where I have to remind myself to eat, since I don't experience hunger anymore.
Makes it hard to remember to drink my water and tea, too. I usually pair them up with food. Sometimes, if I end up moving around a lot, I try to drink more. The problem is, I've been told by my gastro to increase my normal fluid intake. I haven't even been hitting what's considered the norm. It's not good, because I actually feel the effect of that already. How do you increase something you haven't even hit the norm for in a while? It's a bit more difficult when you run out of Splenda for tea...I feel weird adding calories to drinks, like when you use sugar. I have to tell myself that it's not that many calories, and I'm not eating quite enough as a whole anyways. Having just water, gets tiring. Tea is more exciting, even if we only had one flavor left of it. I'm also still taking citrucel at night, as well as the probiotics. Both of those have added sugar, too. I'm really not a fan of that...I usually try to drink something else after having the citrucel, so I at least get more fluids that way.
I mentioned the 'IBD Grocery List', and some people seemed worried I wouldn't be able to eat what they brought. They shouldn't worry. I felt a little guilty though for making them suddenly feel that way.It was interesting because part of what my gastro suggested was that I avoid insoluble fiber, but increase the soluble kind. I told them I can't have whole seeds/nuts, certain fruit/vegetable peels, etc. The person who brought the salad, suggested if having the pumpkin seeds separate would help. I hadn't gotten to telling them that I can't have raw vegetables, and even with fruit it might be preferred to cook them a bit. When I said that, and told them not to worry, they looked kind of hurt...I can't help what might help or harm me. It just is the way it is. The 'list' isn't technically about fiber, but that kind of thing was basically my gastro warning me/trying to make me feel more comfortable. Like, this will most likely help you. I think it has helped more, but it's limited things more, too. Probably contributing to me possibly losing weight again. On the list, they encourage eating things like fish, certain vegetables (asparagus, different types of squash- pumpkin being a big one, spinach, carrots, potatoes- peeled, and green beans), certain fruits (melon, bananas, apples- peeled or applesauce, peaches- without peel, mango, canned fruits), creamy peanut butter, chicken, turkey, eggs, white rice, oatmeal, etc. It's very interesting to look at.
I think I read that Ace Day was yesterday. So, not only do we have a week at the end of October, but a day at the end of November, too...It's better than nothing. It apparently was also National Cake Day. Very fitting, and I wonder if it was planned that way? Without realizing it much, I was more active on AVEN, Tumblr (with looking at ace blogs), and in ace groups on facebook that day. Hadn't been active on AVEN for a while. Their new server is up and running now. Seems much faster, and I think it's made to accommodate more people. I actually posted to their aro thread, but there have been no responses/likes to it yet. Maybe it's just not that active. People seem to like my posts in the threads about what you drank or ate last. It feels like we think about food more than a lot of people...Also, was accepted into a secret Jewish ace group on facebook, called Jace. I think I asked to be invited on Friday. Not that long to wait. Really cool that I'll be able to get to know other Jewish aces.I've noticed they range widely from secular/cultural to Orthodox. (According to a poll on there.) I'd personally want it to be a mix of different Jews. Makes it more interesting. Feels more like a community this way, too.
Well, Wednesday is a potluck, and Thursday is when my MRE is done. Potlucks are nice. It's a more social thing for the local trans group, too. MRE is essentially imaging on my small intestines. I'm nervous about the MRE.
It sounds like it'll take a good chunk out of the day. The test itself takes a while. I probably will do the blood test for it on Wednesday. They said I could do it as close to a day before, and it'd be fine. I probably won't eat from my last snack Wednesday or even that potluck, until after the test. If I remember correctly, it might end at around 2pm. That's a long time.The only thing I'd have in my system, before that test, would be the contrast. I might not feel hunger, but there might be other bodily signs. I'm kind of excited about looking at the results, though. Even if it's really damaged. Something about seeing my insides, in a safe way obviously, sounds awesome. I'm in awe of looking at the way I look on the inside.
Sounds weird, but we're marvelous beings that way. Just seeing how things work or not work (in some instances), is beautiful to me. Felt that way about my endoscopy/colonoscopy, too.
I also noticed a new thing a couple of nights ago. It scares me, but it's so close to this test...They probably will see what's up with that, too. The lump I felt earlier, has grown more than I thought it did. Can see it more, too. Also, feels like something big is flopping around inside. Sometimes that 'thing' stings. I'm still afraid that it might be a semi-obstruction (that's getting worse), adhesion, or something similar. It doesn't feel like it's a simple thing. I hate not knowing.My gastro said she'll email me as soon as she looks over the results, and we can go from there. I hope I can be put on painkillers soon. It's getting really difficult. Hard to come up with things that will keep me distracted enough. If I focus too much on it, the pain feels much worse. I'm also scared that I'll have to have surgery done. Had a dream about that last night. It's really getting to me. Some days, I feel like I could tell myself that nothing's wrong and it's all in my head. But, most days, that's far from the case. Those days where I feel I can somehow 'ignore' them or they aren't as bad, are getting fewer. Rosie seems to sense my pain, and is being a lot more needy. She's been leaning up against the most painful area more often, too. She's so sweet.
