Pretzel Day!

Mood:

This holiday was yesterday. I love pretzels! Especially the big soft ones. The flavored smaller/hard ones are good, too. It was also Pumpkin Day. Pumpkin is basically the only type of squash I'll eat.Maybe that'll change in the future. Took me a long time to like or be ok with pumpkin pie. And, other things with actual pumpkin in it. They don't actually use pumpkin in pumpkin spice products. It's just artificial flavoring. Might be why I like it, though.I like some of the pumpkin spice drinks (the tea version is surprisingly good!), but I'm definitely not obsessed with it like some people are. 

It was Mince Meat Pie Day, as well. I love the dessert version. The one most people think of. There is an older, more traditional, version that is savory/semi-sweet and actually has meat. (I think it was originally with mutton.) That one's not that popular anymore, from what I read. I remember people kept telling me that the dessert version is an acquired taste. I think even my mom was weary of it. To be honest, I loved it the first time I tried it.It's a fruity pie with spices. 

Today's National Potato Day. I absolutely love potatoes! (A lot more so than pretzels.) I could eat them all day everyday. I don't think that would be wise, though.There are so many things you could do with them. 

It's the 4th day of Asexual Awareness Week. I've been trying to do at least one thing related to it online.There are some sites and facebook pages that have AAW 'kits' for ideas of what to do each day. If you've come out and are very open with it, it's encouraged to do as much as you can to educate people, be visible, and/or help other aces. If people aren't out, it's ok. They don't have to be. They might feel like it's unsafe, or there are many other reasons for them to feel like they don't want to. That's perfectly fine. 

We do face discrimination or acephobia, but it might be quite different than other groups of minorities. Some seem subtle. The sad part is the more we're out there, the more likely acephobia will spread and become more dangerous.I've read that many of what we're going through is similar to what bis and pans have gone through. Not exactly the same, but similar. We're considered invisible, people don't believe us, they say there must be something wrong with us, etc. Apparently, some states say you must consummate in order to be married. Which hurts aces, too. Not sure how they'd enforce this, but it's disturbing nonetheless. (I kind of don't want to know...) People have forced aces to go through conversion therapy. Those same people force other sexual minorities to do the same thing. It's when they try to 'convert' people to be heterosexual/straight or, in their eyes: normal. This has driven many people to kill themselves. They use brainwashing and torture. It's not pretty. There are people who use rape specifically to 'turn' aces heterosexual. Saying it's for their own good. Some go through hormone therapy, thinking they are broken and need to be fixed because society tells them they're not normal. So, it's not just saying rude comments online. 

I might have had the more subtle or tame stuff happen, before I fully realized I was ace. It still doesn't feel good.One was more recent, when I went to see a gynecologist to talk about getting another IUD inserted. (I have to be put under for it.) I don't use it for birth control, which for some reason some people have a hard time understanding. It's used to keep me from hemorrhaging, by regulating my hormones. Very important, and a lifesaver. Anyways, she laughed in my face when I answered no to if I'm sexually active. And, then she asked if I ever have been. When I answered I haven't, she laughed harder. She asked if I had a partner, and if I did, I must have a problem with him or something. There's a lot of assumptions and issues with asking that sort of thing...I said no. She asked: will you ever have a partner and be sexually active in the future? It's kind of putting aros down with this statement, as well. I said I'd like a partner (one who's not romantic, didn't realize this at the time), but am not interested in sex. She said there must be something wrong with me, and it's only natural to have sex. Especially for someone my age. Are you scared of it? It was bizarre.I came there asking for help with something else. Not to be ridiculed for not being interested in sex.

When I did have a boyfriend, he also thought something was wrong with me for not being into it. (He never forced me to have it, thank goodness.) He even went to a doctor's appointment with me, and asked what they could do to make me want to have it. I also can't have things like pap smears (unless I'm knocked out), because it's very painful for me. I can't even use tampons. So, they automatically assumed I equated sex with pain. And, that was the reason I wasn't into it. No, that really wasn't it, but ok. The doctor gave me advice, told me some 'exercises' I could do (actually these might have been ok to tell me if just for the pain), advice for my boyfriend, and recommended some videos. It was a weird feeling. Society was basically telling me I should be into it, and it was just what humans were made to do.

There's also sex ed stuff. It's all aimed at heterosexual people. Aces view it in a different light. Many other sexual minorities do, I'm sure, too. There's a push to be more inclusive of everyone for it, which is great. Not sure when it'll be more widespread, or how many teachers already do. I have heard about a sex ed teacher who is ace, and he tries to make it more accessible to everyone.

Just so people know, aces can have sex. Asexuality does not equal celibacy. This is a huge misconception. Although, some aces are celibate. Some do it for the pleasure, some to please their partner, some to have kids, etc. There are many reasons. The ones who do it for pleasure aren't necessarily 'cold' to their partners. They may care about them romantically, emotionally, or other ways.

There are many different types of aces. Some who are sex repulsed, sex positive, curious, just meh about it, negative (think no one should have it), and more. There are even flags for many of these. Like I mentioned before, I'm sex repulsed, yet curious. So, the idea personally repulses me, yet I'm very curious about it. Very weird feeling.I'm very sex positive, which means I'm for others having it if they so choose. (Sex positive can also mean for people who choose not to have sex.) As long as it's with a consenting adult. Also, I'm for discussing it educationally. That's important. 

I'm still unsure if I want kids in the future, too. It's an odd thing for many aces. But, there are other ways of having kids besides the 'old fashioned' way. So, who knows? If I do, I could use one of those many alternative methods. On the other hand, my ovaries have jeopardized my health in the past. I've debated whether to just get rid of them, too. I'm not sure if being pregnant would kill me, too. Combining that, my IBD, and a couple of other things. Yet, I have this weird feeling that if I do have a kid, it has to come from me. Not being adopted. I know that many kids need to be adopted, though. It's complicated.

I've heard that many aces are in the BDSM community. Apparently, they've been one of the most welcoming communities for aces. That's fascinating to me.I guess because aces already feel different, and many of the members of that community can relate that way. Some aces are embarrassed to admit this, though. So, outside of that community, it's not talked about much.

There are ace elitists, too. These people disturb me.There are 2 different types that I've noticed. One is thinking that sexuals are less than aces. Like, we're somehow better because we don't have that attraction. This is dangerous, to me. Sexuals can't help who they are anymore than we can. It alienates allies as well. It's also like hating 99% of the world. By the way, the percentage of aces may be higher than 1%, since most of the studies that indicate that are really old, and most center on one country. Plus, many people might not know about it, or are scared to put it down. Still, you're hating most of the world if you think this way. That's totally not cool.

The other one is about being a purist. This one might disturb me more than the first. They often will be both types. It's about what makes a 'true' ace. They feel if you've never had sex, you are a better ace than those who have. Or, feel those others aren't even ace. They're just confused. They also feel that aces should only be with aces. Some feel that a true ace doesn't have a romantic attraction. (Encountered this recently in the comments section on an ace fb page for an article they shared about misconceptions.) They're separate attractions, though...Even non-aces can be aro. That's excluding a huge portion of the community who are romantic. To me, if you put down certain people of this community, even if I'm not like them, you put down everyone. These people have weird ideas of what makes one truly ace. They go further than the sex stuff, from what I've read. Why would there be infighting among aces? I can't wrap my head around it. Hence, why I'll never be, and am totally against, an ace elitist. I think they're a very very small portion of the community, but they can still cause a lot of harm. Worse, in some cases, than what we might get from society as a whole.

Even some LGBT people seem to hate us. A very small minority of them, but they seem very loud online. In person, even less of them. Or, they only hate the, in their words: cis het aces. You can't be both heterosexual and asexual. That's like saying you prefer the opposite gender and no one sexually at the same time. It doesn't work that way...Some aces use hetro instead, or even call themselves straight aces. They usually won't leave off the ace part. That would erase part of their identity. So, calling them just straight isn't cool, either. Some, even a smaller amount of people, consider aro aces as 'basically' straight. This makes even less sense to me.

I started my own local ace group on facebook. If there's enough interest, we could meet offline. This is my main goal.The closest one is across the water, and can be difficult for people in our area to be there on a regular basis. Or, even just to get there in general. They meet twice a month, and sometimes have extra social gatherings. It'd be cool to maybe do something like that here. So far, there are 7 members. If I include myself, I know 5 of them. So, at least 2 people, I don't know, are interested. Wahoo!It's something. I think someone told me they had some friends who are ace who live in the area, and they might invite them to the group. That's awesome! So, there's potential for more.I basically advertised on the closest group's fb group, and the Northwest region one. So, that might help, as well. 

I have many ideas for this group. One of them was to end each meeting with a cake potluck. Everyone would bring a cake, or different dessert if they prefer, to it. The cake thing is about a meme that was going around on AVEN. Saying (something) is better than sex. The majority liked the cake is better than sex one the most. Someone also made a story built around the cake idea. It's long, but sad and cute at the same time. Some aces prefer other desserts like pies. It's still the same idea. It'd be a nice, fun, and positive ending to the meeting.

I've been reading notes that the closest group puts out once a month. It's on what they discussed, events, and any speakers they might have had. In the most recent one, they had someone from the Center for Sex Positive Culture speak. They want to be more inclusive for aces. They have about 3 events that are ace-friendly, but would like input on more future recurring events. The one's they have currently are: blanket fort, aces wild, and one other one. (I don't really want to write it out...) Blanket fort is just that, with optional cuddles. Aces wild is kink without sex. The last one has to do with being close/intimate mentally. They refer to it as basically having mental sex, not physical sex. Seems like it's on another level. They sound interesting. The blanket fort one sounds kind of fun. It'd be interesting to find out what other events fellow aces would be interested in there. One person commented that they thought it'd be cool if there were a basket of kittens or puppies type of event. Kind of funny and cute.They can't do that, though. I like that they try to be inclusive. Sounds truly sex positive this way.

I've been in so much pain lately, especially at night. It's actually brought me to tears.Getting less and less sleep, too. So, things might seem a little odd. My energy is draining, too. Not sure if it's because of the lack of sleep, the pain, both, or something else related to what's going on health-wise. 

I don't usually get telemarketers on my iPhone. Suddenly, this past week I've had several. Some calling every couple of minutes.Never leaving a message, except for 2 of them. This has actually woken me up several times. Adds more to how I'm feeling. So, I've been blocking them. A couple show up as 'unknown'. Had one text message referring to me as James, and how I showed interest in their insurance. So, they even got my gender wrong...They stopped after I texted back STOP twice, like it said to. It's a pain. So, I decided to register my number on the Do Not Disturb list. I'll see what happens with that. I had 2 days of a break before this. Then they came back yesterday and today. It's always in the morning. 

I do have my 'do not disturb' mode on until about 9:30am, but I've been sleeping past that lately because of the pain and fatigue. Like, I end up staying up really late until I pass out, and then naturally get up late. My body knows I should be sleeping for a certain amount of time. Plus, feeling so nauseous probably turns it into sick mode. Where I'll need more sleep. Go me!It's trying to keep me healthy as best it can. Got to give it some credit. But, with this, the pain, and calls it's getting to me. 

Recently started watching Classicaloid. It's extremely trippy. Unsure if I like it or not. Some of the characters represent famous composers. Like Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Bach, Liszt, etc. They haven't remembered who they really are, though. Their Beethoven must represent the time before he lost his hearing. Although, he doesn't really listen to people. He's obsessed with making the perfect gyoza. Some of his quirks remind me of what I've learned about him in the past. He's also voiced by the same voice actor who played Gintoki from Gintama. He's an amazing VA. I've watched other anime that he's in, but Gintoki is the most memorable. His voice is very versatile, yet distinct. It feels like I'm listening to Gintoki.Also, helps that Beethoven, in this, has white hair too and is relatively the same height as that character. I think they did pretty well with Mozart's personality. Not sure about his appearance. He was a troublemaker and perverted, and they have that portrayal down. Liszt is apparently a woman now. They actually commented on this, and she's clueless about it, too. They have a shoebill that hangs out at the mansion they stay at. It's just there, but somehow fits.The mansion has a musical design, which is fun. I don't really like the other characters who aren't these composers. Something feels 'off' about them. Also, the artist makes really thick outlines of the characters. That's visually weird. Makes them stand out more than they should. When the composers suddenly remember something, they start conducting one of their songs, but really trippy things happen during it. Lots of bright colors, people dancing, space, vines coming through the ground, amusement parks, etc. The pieces are pop-ified. I'm not too fond of that, either. Although, the opening theme music is pretty good. It melds the pop into it well. Watching it as a musician, I'm still on the fence about it.They did pretty well with most of the music references, but there are quite a few downsides to it. I think it could be so much better. So, still debating whether I want to keep watching it or not. 

Finished Designer Baby. It was rather good. Raised some philosophical/societal questions. The baby was designed to cure her brother from a special type of leukemia. She was kidnapped by several people for different reasons. She was passed around for just over a week before finally being returned. A couple of times they thought one of the people had killed her. In the end, the parents decided to wait before they made the decision to have her donate her bone marrow to their son. The hospital said it would have been illegal anyways. Although, designing a baby like they did, already was. It was interesting that the lead detective on this case was pregnant. They thought she'd be perfect by being able to relate more to the women involved. Most of whom were pregnant themselves, recently gave birth, or infertility treatments never worked. It still put a lot of stress on her. At one point, during the last episode they made it seem like her water broke or something. False alarm, though. I've seen the actress in other dramas, but I think this was one of her best. I wonder how accurately she portrayed someone being pregnant. Or, if she actually was.

Started watching the Great Horror Family. There was an article that listed Halloween-themed dramas with short episodes, that was shared recently on MyDramaList's facebook page. This was one of the ones that I hadn't seen and sounded interesting. It's an old one from 2004. (I think.) I haven't seen many that were that old. It's actually really funny.Campy-type horror, and the humor is spot on. Perfect timing, and humorous events. Not scary, but definitely Halloween-like. A family moves into an old house. The grandfather dies the first day they moved in. The father is into the occult and desperately wants to be able to see ghosts. He's really eccentric. The rest of the family has the ability to see them. The son is the strongest in that, though. Much to his dismay. The mom is kind of dense when it comes to sensing things. The daughter doesn't care. The grandma doesn't talk much. (I don't think she has yet.) So, the son is stuck with talking to his deceased grandfather and all the resident ghosts who have 'issues'. The first ghost he helps becomes somewhat of an assistant, and keeps ushering other ghosts to see him. At least, this happened during the first episode. Should be interesting to see what happens.

First Day of Asexual Awareness Week!

Mood:

It's also the 7th day of Sukkot. Israel ends it tonight, while the rest of the world ends it tomorrow night. This will be a shorter post than yesterday's. That post is what happens when it's been a while between posts.

Anyways, today's the first day of AAW. I think I might try to do at least one thing for it each day. Today, I changed my profile pic on fb, and put an ace flag filter on it. I'm not used to putting filters on my profile pics. I thought the pic I took several months ago would look better with it. The other one, which is a few years old is much darker. So, I didn't think the flag would stand out as much. The old pic was from when I was much heavier. I've lost weight since my new profile pic, too. But, that old one had a much bigger difference to how I look today. 

The flag's colors/meanings are: Black- asexuals (or we usually call ourselves aces), Grey- greysexual (sometimes written as grey-asexual)/demisexual, White- sexuals (everyone else. Or, people who aren't ace or on the spectrum), and Purple- community. For saying 'sexuals', some aces call them allosexuals or allos, but allo is apparently similar to queer in French. Many have tried to come up with better terms, since allies are important, too. Some just say non-ace. It sounds a bit clunky, though. Some people who aren't ace don't like the word 'sexual' for themselves. However, once I think about it, sexuals makes sense. Just like we're asexual...Just leave the prefix off, and that's what you get. Other people are (something)sexual.It kind of reminds me of how trans people might call people who aren't trans, like myself, cis. I'm perfectly cool with that, it makes sense, and doesn't sound like it's putting me down in any way. But, some cis people think it's an insult. I like that it all comes together with the purple or community. 

Apparently, we call coming out as ace, as coming out of the deck. Instead of closet. There are some card related memes/humor/symbolisms. An ace of diamonds (the card symbolically) might be a demiromantic ace. An ace of spades, aromantic ace. An ace of clubs, greyromantic, or not sure what romantic orientation, ace. And, ace of hearts, a romantic ace. Romantic aces can be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, etc. Kind of fun. Also, some aces might wear a black ring on their right (I think) middle finger. Sometimes to let other aces know they are there. Like, a code. Or, to be just really out with it. Although, many people who aren't ace won't know what it means. 

Youtube:
There are quite a lot of vids I faved since the last time I shared. I tend to try and focus on a lot of things when I'm in a massive amount pain. Vids being one of those. So, a fun post this time about ace stuff and vids! Yay!None of the vids are ace related, though. Might be in the future.

Bungou (Literary) Stray Dogs:

This one's hilarious! Some of it fits a little too well:


Gintama:
One of the best amv's I've seen for the last arc:

This one's basically a trailer for that entire arc. It crams almost everything in, in such a short amount of time:


Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler):

Why not have a Halloween related one:



I really good mixed anime amv. I haven't watched a couple of them. It flows so well:


Mob Psycho 100:
The song fits surprisingly well:

6th Day of Sukkot!

Mood:

2 more days of Sukkot!It's a harvest holiday. The word sukkot literally means booths. So, many translate the holiday as: the Festival of Booths. It refers to outdoor temporary walled (not entirely walled off) structures with a 'roof' made out of plant material. They're usually decorated with things like pine combs, fake fruit and vegetables, and other things that might remind people of a harvest or fall in general. We're encouraged to live in a sukkah (singular form) during the holiday. Basically to remember when we were wandering the desert. Most people will have their meals out in one. Some actually do camp out in it. There are some really elaborate ones. Many also invite guests to sit out with them. They're called ushpizin. So, it's kind of a hospitality thing, too.When we would put one up in the backyard, we'd invite people over to enjoy it. Most of the guests weren't Jewish, and it was a way for them to get a taste of what Judaism is like. We also shake and say blessings over a lulav and etrog while we're in it. Together, the lulav and etrog are considered the '4 species'. Lulav is a palm branch, 2 willow branches, and 3 myrtle branches tied together. The etrog is a type of citrus. Similar to a lemon. Some people make jam out of it after the holiday. I've never had that, and it sounds interesting.I kind of miss having ours up, and enjoying it out there. Although, it's pretty cold outside right now.

Yesterday was Caramel Apple Day. I have a hard time eating these, but they're really good.Interesting when people dip them in a bunch of other things, too. Like cookies, candy pieces, candied peanuts, chocolate pieces, etc. Seems a little too much. It's sweet enough as is.

I thought it would be fun to use a Halloween themed wallpaper a couple of weeks before the holiday. Seems like this one fits. It's Ciel being controlled by Drossel Keinz from Kuroshitsuji or Black Butler. I think Drossel was only in the anime version, and it was a brief arc. Drossel was a puppeteer that turned into a puppet after death. He loves to make puppets and dolls. I barely remember that arc, but he would control people with his strings. Basically, making them his living puppets. They'd go into a trance, and do whatever he wanted. I think he made Lizzie fight Ciel and Sebastian. She snapped out of the trance, but still couldn't move her body on her own. Dolls can be really creepy, and the idea that you don't have control over your own body is scary.So, it's perfect for the holiday!

I did 'attend' Central Synagogue's Yom Kippur services online. Pretty much all of them. The first night one, morning, afternoon, Torah study, and the ending night one. Felt like I had spent time with them without actually meeting them. The one who lead the Torah study was the president (who's also a rabbi) of the Reform movement. It's the largest Jewish movement/branch in America. Smallest in Israel. (The Orthodox have a stranglehold on everything there, but secular Jews are actually the largest population.) I think it's called the Progressive movement in Europe. I was raised in it, and still am Reform. Although, I've been debating Modern Orthodoxy. As you can tell with what the Europeans call it, it's a very liberal branch. Very inclusive, and continuing to become more so. He apparently was very close to the head rabbi there. A local synagogue that I was apart of had a previous president actually lead one of the High Holy Day services. I think he retired recently, and this one stepped in. 

He talked about inclusion of other Jews in our community. How do we unite together? Instead of having one group of Jews pitting against others. (Even some Reform Jews look down on secular ones. It's more complicated than some people think.) Embrace our differences, and try to compromise on things. This can be very difficult between the Orthodox branches and others like ours. I agree, though. People need to stop the infighting. Although, it's much worse in Israel.

The actual services were pretty good. There was a cantor visiting from Israel. She had a certain accent when she sang and spoke in Hebrew. Reminded me of how some of the people I met in Israel spoke. Thought it was pretty cool. 

The pain seems to have gotten worse.When I lie down on my back in bed, it feels like my intestines are falling/oozing out of my abdomen. There's a lot of squeezing and spasming in there, too. The squeezing is relatively new. It started off as a gentle, barely noticeable, squeeze. It's almost unbearable now. Like, someone's pulling, pushing, clamping down, moving it sideways, etc. on my intestines.It gurgles a lot while lying down, too. This makes it very difficult to sleep. (As if I wasn't already having problems sleeping...) Even if I lie on my usually ok side, my left, I get this weird feeling. It feels like it's open to the air most of the time. Like, no skin, muscle, fat, etc. around it. Occasionally, it feels like I'm stabbed with a hot poker while it's spasming. Also, found a lump that seems a bit dense where it tends to hurt the most. It's starting to scare me, too. It might just be inflammation from either my intestines or something near it. Feels like almost everything in my body is being affected. This might be because I've been experiencing nonstop pain for a while. The majority of it really started in June. Supposedly when I was supposed to be in remission. If I were, then why?And, why am I having certain issues with the bathroom still? 

I'm having a harder time eating, as well. I have to actually tell myself to do it. I don't really feel hunger anymore, and feel full most of the time. Even if the only meals I've had are lunch and dinner. I tell myself I have to at least have those, since I have to have food with my meds. That's a sad thing for me.Things at least taste good still.

Tylenol does absolutely nothing for it. The old bentyl pills only make me sleepy every other time I take it. Not sleepy enough to put me to sleep. I was taking them just for that. I ran out of the miralax last week, and tried to take some milk of magnesia. The milk of magnesia made me feel very sick those last couple of times. My stomach felt extremely full after taking it. Yet, I hadn't eaten for at least a couple of hours before both times. The miralax did eventually help with the constipation, but for about that last week on it, I had horrible diarrhea. It got even worse with the milk of magnesia. I still have it bad at times with that. Why can't it be in between? I feel like a yo-yo.I think I might have a partial obstruction, stricture, or some sort of adhesion working on making that partial obstruction. It's got to be something. They say with all of these that laxatives might actually make it worse. Yay!I'm still taking the probiotics. Not sure if they're doing anything, but might as well keep it up.

I made an appointment Thursday for an MRE or Magnetic Resonance Enterography. It's a type of MRI that looks specifically at the small intestines. Something that definitely could shed some light on things. The closest appointment time they had was for the beginning of December. Kind of a while to wait.I can't eat within 4 hours of it. I have to be there 1 1/2 hours before the 'procedure'. Probably will take the contrast at this time. It lasts for 2 hours. I'm going to be super hungry at the end of this. (If I feel 'normal'.) They have to have a specialized nurse for the whole thing. I didn't think it would be such a big to do.I thought I'd take the contrast, the testing would take maybe a few minutes, and I'd leave. They even asked if I needed sedation. Another big test to go through. At least it's not something like a colonoscopy/endoscopy or sigmoidoscopy. Those are much bigger and scarier to me. I have to get a blood draw within 30 days of it, too. 

I read that they can watch how everything functions in that area. Things like my blood vessels, intestines moving, blood flow, etc. That actually sounds really cool.Makes sense that it'd be that long, in that way. I want a copy of the results of this test. Fun to watch my innards work, and see what's so messed up about them.

I also rescheduled my gastro appointment for a couple of weeks into November. I think my gastro wanted to have the MRE done beforehand. Oh well. I've done everything else. I got the radiologist's interpretation of the x-rays back. Not the actual images. Apparently, they didn't see anything abnormal. I think my gastro wasn't expecting much from that in the first place. The MRE is a different story.

I also recently talked about different attractions, on facebook. I might talk about it a little differently here. It's important to me, because I get to learn more about myself, and figure out what type of partner I might want in the future. There are 5 main ones, from what I've read. Sexual, romantic, aesthetic, sensual, and platonic. Most people have these aligned a certain way. Like their sexual, romantic, and sensual ones will all be the same. Many seem to have a hard time differentiating between those. They're just so well linked together for them. 

Many aces aren't aligned so well. Some are romantically attracted to people, and some aren't. For my romantic attraction I'm leaning a lot more towards aromantic or aro, the more I think about it. Meaning I'm not romantically attracted to anyone. Sometimes I go back and forth in my head between this, greyromantic, and demiromantic. Greyromantics only very rarely, and sometimes when they do barely, feel romantic attraction. Demiromantics feel romantic attraction after establishing an extremely close bond with someone. It rarely happens, too. I'm reluctant to identify as aro. I think it's because of my own prejudice about it, but learning about it is changing my view.At least, I know I'm not a 'full' romantic. 

Sensual attraction just is 'tactile' based. Not necessarily having to do with sex or romance. Things like holding hands, kisses on cheeks, hugs, cuddling, etc. are under this category. I'm not sure about this one, because I don't usually like to be touched.

Aesthetic attraction is just based on looks. Nothing necessarily sexual or romantic about it. You just like the way someone looks. For me, I think I'm more attracted to men this way. I think some of them look stunning.Some use the gorgeous painting analogy, but I think that makes it sound like people are objects. Not something I'd agree with.I think I might be attracted to men in a way I haven't found the term for. Someday, I might find out.

Platonic attraction is just on who you'd tend to want to be close friends with. Some aros have come up with the term aplatonic. Meaning they aren't attracted to anyone platonically. I have a hard time understanding that idea.Some people will only be best friends with the same gender, opposite gender, both, and a lot of people don't know (or are in denial) about non-binary or genderfluid people. I think society wants us to be close with people of the same gender, which I find very odd. I really love everyone, platonically, regardless of gender. So, I might be pan this way? Some say that might be a thing. Especially if you're ace and/or aro. 'Pan-' means you're attracted (in some way) to people regardless of gender. I think most of my love/attraction went to my platonic one...I really value my friends. With many people who are unsure if they're aro, they can't tell where the difference starts between being platonic and 'romantic'. I'm like that, and it confuses me. I can tell when it's full on romantic stuff, but where it might start is confusing.

I think I do want a partner to experience life with in the future. Just will be an unconventional relationship. We'll be extremely good friends. Something much more than just 'friends', but not romantic partners. I've read some aros are similar. They call relationships like these queerplatonic or quasiplatonic relationships, or qpr's. If I did have one, I'd rather use quasiplatonic. Since 'queer' can have some bad connotations. I also feel odd using that for myself. A qpr is easier, too. They call the partners zucchinis, instead of boyfriend or girlfriend. Interesting. I've also read that people don't have to be aro nor ace to have one. 

Regular dating is weird to me. I don't know if it's because most people are expecting it to lead to sex, or I'm aro/greyromantic and find romantic stuff fake or uncomfortable most of the time. I love seeing friends and family in romantic relationships. It's cute and awesome.Just don't like it so much when it involves me most of the time. (Or seeing it in media, really.) Although, I did eventually like the romantic attention my ex boyfriend gave me. It was just nice, though. Not like I 'needed' it. Took a while to get used to it.

I thought for a long time I was just the 'default' straight. I'm apparently not. When you haven't been exposed to these terms/identities, it makes it hard to know who you are (in this way), or where you might land. I just felt like I eventually would be like everyone else around me. Before the term asexuality became popular, many people who were, identified as bisexual or bi. 'Bi-' means you're attracted (in some way) to men and women. (Many say 2 genders now.) We were categorized as Group X in one of the most famous studies involving us, the Kinsey scale in 1948. It rated sexuality on a scale. The earliest reference of asexuality might have been in 1896. Very interesting to read about some of the history.

I'm thinking of starting my own local ace group. Yesterday, I left a comment on the Seattle ace's closed facebook group. I asked if there already was one in my county, and if not I'll start my own. I highly doubt there is. I'll start with making a closed facebook group for it. This will be the first group I've started on there. If there is enough interest, we could meet in real life. It'd be really cool if it ends up like that. I'll have it open to allies, and people on the ace spectrum. So, people who might not be ace, but in the 'grey' areas can feel welcomed, too. I've seen lists of some of them, and there are a ton of different types in that grey area. It's fascinating. (Not just greysexual and demisexual.) They also have their own flags. We're like a large community encompassing them, as well. Although, even with them, we aren't that big of a community...

I'm unsure what the cover pic and profile pic for the group will have. Maybe the ace flag for the cover, but I'm kind of at a loss for ideas of the profile one. Maybe look at some of the memes? We'll see. Also, the name...I'm not used to this, but should be interesting. Maybe the person who gave me the idea about starting the fb group first will help out, if need be. I found out recently that he actually is on the ace spectrum, which is really cool. One person commented on what I posted on the Seattle aces group, and they said they live in the same county, and would love for a group to meet more locally. So, yay! One other ace from the area that's interested! Happiness!One more than I expected...Another person liked my post on there. Maybe there really is a need. Now I'm getting excited and nervous about it.

I have been reading, editing, and creating an outline of Alliance this past week. (All at the same time.) There's a lot more to edit than I realized. I'm just over halfway through. I haven't read it all the way through like this since I published it about 3 years ago. It's getting an overhaul. The outline is so that I get all the 'details' of things before I make a sequel to it.

When I'm done with that, I'll republish it. I created back cover art for both Alliance and Sweet Endless Terror. I'm planning to publish print versions of both through CreateSpace, or basically Amazon. It's free to do. I just needed to do those back covers, edit both books (I doubt SET will have as many errors, but I might republish it afterwards too), reformat for a print version, and go through their process. The back cover for SET has a knife and ribbon. Representing 2 of the stories. The back cover for Alliance has a different angle of the same scene as what's in the teardrop. Both are pics I've taken. (I drew and colored the knife and ribbon one.) The back cover of that is more distorted, and there's a somewhat dark side and light/happy side to it. A big theme of it is things aren't as they seem. Looking through the teardrop in the brick wall on the front, it looks nicer and happier. Turn to the back, and it's distorted and not the same angle. Like, the grass is always greener until you go to the other side. I like how both back covers turned out. I might have the descriptions of them on the back covers, too. It might be weird to pick up a book, and not see a description. I did read that they distribute to some actual brick-and-mortar bookstores. Should be an interesting process. 

Tomorrow's the start of Asexual Awareness Week. Maybe that's the perfect time to start that group, if I do it.I might switch my profile pics to having the ace flag filter. My main one for places like fb is kind of dark, so I might even change that part. There are some online events/activities for each day (from what I've seen), which is interesting. Coming Out Day was on the 11th, and since I already came out I brought up the attraction thing. Reading some of the stuff from the new groups I'm apart of through fb, and ace related pages, reminded me of making my own group on there. Thus, all the more ace things I'm sharing. Also, with all of those places mentioning AAW, it's also a bit on my mind. I'm still new to the community, and feel energized to learn more about it.